In [1]:
'''

This script will create Word2Vec dimesnions for every row in our dataset and then run a few baseline models.   

1) First we create word vectors for every row, then just average those word vectors to create sentence vectors.
2) Apply baseline models using following scoring metric and plot them for comparison
   -accuracy
   -recall  (positive class i.e jokes important not to miss)

'''

#Import required libraries
import pandas as pd
from gensim.models import Word2Vec

from sklearn import model_selection
from sklearn.linear_model import LogisticRegression
from sklearn.tree import DecisionTreeClassifier
from sklearn.neighbors import KNeighborsClassifier
from sklearn.discriminant_analysis import LinearDiscriminantAnalysis
from sklearn.naive_bayes import GaussianNB
from sklearn.svm import SVC

from sklearn import feature_selection
from sklearn import model_selection
from sklearn import metrics

#Visualization
import matplotlib as mpl
import matplotlib.pyplot as plt
import matplotlib.pylab as pylab
import seaborn as sns
from pandas.tools.plotting import scatter_matrix

#Configure Visualization Defaults
#%matplotlib inline = show plots in Jupyter Notebook browser
%matplotlib inline
mpl.style.use('ggplot')
sns.set_style('white')
pylab.rcParams['figure.figsize'] = 12,8
C:\Users\sphulse\AppData\Local\Continuum\anaconda3\lib\site-packages\gensim\utils.py:1197: UserWarning: detected Windows; aliasing chunkize to chunkize_serial
  warnings.warn("detected Windows; aliasing chunkize to chunkize_serial")
In [2]:
#Read created input data
df=pd.read_csv('datasets/Final_data.csv')

print(len(df))
19422
In [3]:
df=df[~df.sentence.isnull()]
In [4]:
#Create word vectors for every row

text=[]
for index,row in df.iterrows():
  print(str(row['sentence'])+"\n")
  sentence_word_list = [word for word in str(row['sentence']).lower().split()]
  text.append(sentence_word_list)
w2v = Word2Vec(text, min_count=1)
Zoomlion confirms offer for U.S crane maker Terex  





me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

The first human sacrifice of summer solstice always makes me feel so pretty.

China stocks slump 7 percent, triggering circuit breaker  

It Is Never Too Late To Learn

Dear IRS, please cancel my subscription.

There are six black , fleshy filaments , the first pair near the head , the second on the thorax , and the third at the end of the abdomen.

There was a strike at work today! But then that's not unusual when you work in a bowling alley.

I'm giving away my roof for free It's on the house!

Hmmmm I’m worried about u guys

Why has the pope never won a gold medal?  Because he always came in a little behind.

Statistics show that teen pregnancy rapidly drop after the age of 19.

Myanmar army chief pushes against quick changes to constitution 

*Send foods

Don DeLillo is an Italian-American author whose work paints a detailed portrait of American life in the late 20th and early 21st centuries.

As leaders gather, Oxfam suggests global inequality is at levels not seen in over a century:  













Denture?

Why don't Mexicans barbeque?  Because the beans slip through the grill

Ugandan opposition leader says vote will not be free or fair 

Pakistan hangs man who killed governor over call to reform blasphemy law:  

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but that lightbulb has to want to change.

The End Crowns The Work









waiter: bro i just did shrooms













Me: 

U.N. war crimes investigators gathering testimony from starving Syrian town 

Syrian govt. accepts halt to 'combat operations' in line with U.S.-Russian plan 

The head of Ornitholestes was relatively small.







Happy Sunday!

In the U.S. , the set includes the standard edition 's 12 tracks , with three all new tracks - the lead U.S. number-one single `` Take a Bow '' , a remix of `` If I Never See Your Face Again '' with Maroon 5 , and the U.S. number-one single `` Disturbia . ''

EPA says it acted too slowly on Flint water crisis:  

Elections take place every three years , with one-third of the judges retiring each time , in order to ensure continuity within the court.

A Great Ship Asks Deep Waters

Not every conjecture ends up being proven true or false.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.

huh. Not having a personality is a personality trait. who knew

The noxious animals may display by slow flying , and in general are prominently visible.

My family's new television has parental control.

I'm gonna use it to get my mom to make me a sandwich.

When Dad died I vowed not to follow in his footsteps, I'd take a different path. In fact I'd avoid minefields altogether.

The meaning of the name is Live , or Lieb for life or loveley , and - werde from werda means island , high place in a wather.

 Bank of England policymakers vote 8-1 to hold rates at 0.5 percent

In 1932 , her mother died from a heart attack.

New York Stock Exchange owner ICE may gatecrash Deutsche Boerse-LSE merger:  

The hardest thing about days when I exercise is finding the time to eat one thousand reward Oreos.

With eye on Britain's top job, Boris Johnson keeps Cameron guessing over EU deal:  

Obama unveils wage insurance plan to spur job seekers 

The Canadiens finished first in the NHA for the first time in 1913 - 14 , in a tie with the Toronto Blueshirts.

lDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude 










 uck

"What a truly inspirational man that Steve Jobs was" said my mate. "What is your favourite Apple product?" he asked. "Cider, " I replied.

Got fired today because I was caught masturbating with a vegetable. Nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

The instructions are read by the bot once every 30 minutes , so changes you make here will take some time to be automatically reflected on pages serviced by the bots.

Palestinian shot dead after stabbing Israeli policemen in Jerusalem 

Thousands of Egyptian doctors protest over alleged police brutality 

MSF seeks independent probe into bombing of Syria hospital:  

When defined this way , there are two possible remainders.

Follow your dreams, except for the one where your naked at work.

As The Old Cock Crows, So Does The Young

Felt that

The veins are lightly marked with black.



Guy watching me massage mayo into my pubes: ok

This raises a note by three semitones.

Every once in a while, it's important to show my kids who's boss. (I do this by pointing to my wife.)

The Nautiloidea , on the other hand , stick to iteroparity ; they produce a few large eggs in each batch and live for a long time.

Chinese Uighur was tortured into confessing role in Bangkok bomb: lawyer 

I went in to a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".

The tail may be naked or slightly haired.

One in every two and a half men are HIV positive.

Canada likely to aid struggling Bombardier

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It is not hard.

What do gay horses eat? Heyyyyyyyyyyy!




Me: ah

If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.

They have two children , Grace and Henry.

Got fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

Chinese man jailed for 23 years freed after verdict overturned 

raise your hand if you could easily meet this standard at 18

I bought my wife a desk-lamp for her birthday, her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.

Hey, I lost my phone. If you find it, call or text me, would ya?

Major German carmakers recall U.S. vehicles in latest move of long-running safety crisis:  

U.S. okays sale of eight Lockheed F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan: Pentagon 

In May that year , the couple were married , and soon after Johnny Bundy adopted Ted , legally changing his last name to `` Bundy ''.

'Affluenza' teen sent back to Texas, 'docile' in detention  

He That Has A Great Nose Thinks Everybody Is Speaking Of It

Foster 's Home for Imaginary Friends was founded by the elderly Madame Foster to provide a foster home for abandoned imaginary friends.

Cameroon army kills 92 militants in joint operation with Nigeria: Cameroon government 

Why did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.

Syrian Kurdish party rejects Turkish demands, warns against intervention 

Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.

British PM Cameron to meet EU's Tusk on Sunday as package takes shape 

Justice Department launches review of San Francisco police 









SECURITY GUARD: [tearing up] His kick flips were sick, dude

The first recorded use of rose as a color name in English was in 1382.

Fossils from New South Wales and New Zealand are estimated to be 50 million years old , corresponding to the Tertiary.

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.



Now we wait.

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

Ceann means the head , or the end , and Torr means a round hill.



alex trebek: I haven’t even read the card yet

Everyone at this reptile convention figured out my ponytail is a clip on and it’s not good.

His reign was troubled by disasters : a rain of blood which lasted three days , a devastating plague , and a great swarm of flies.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

After split from ally, Hungary's Orban strives to muster media muscle 

Many Men, Many Minds

Why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant? They had to keep changing the finger bowls.

A few animals have `` dog '' in their common names but are not canids , such as the prairie dog and the dog fish.

A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.

just got awested for vehicuwar manswaughter

I used to be attention seeking, but look at me now!

Did you hear about the two blind gay guys? You've got to hand it to them.

What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.

Linux Mint is based on Ubuntu and the two distributions have much in common.







"Cheers me!" "We cheersed!" Etc all boil my blood

In astrophysics , a white hole is the hypothetical time reversal of a black hole.

A dating app where two people match and beat the shit out of me.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stew.

She speaks both Swedish and Russian.

My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library. I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"

Signing to Reprise caused many punk rock fans to regard Green Day as sellouts.

See link to make sure you know what an international version is.

What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's penis.

kids growing up today with email and twitter will never know how hard it was back in the '90s to keep in touch with friends... before going to the grocery store we'd update our wills, tearfully hugging our loved ones and praying that dysentery didn't take us.

Parties and politics in Iran's parliamentary election explained:  

In early 2009 , a live actor dressed up as a Corn Pops puff became the new mascot of Corn Pops.

The stamps on the sheet may be perforated in the usual way , or imperforate.

Two teenage girls dead in shooting at Arizona high school: 

Yo mama is so old she farts dust.

there’s fine line between good tweets and bad tweets and i criss cross all over that shit every day

L.A “I can’t believe you would use straws. Don’t you care about the turtles?” *Steps over homeless person.*

To all you vegetarians, the lifestyle you have chosen is a big missed steak .

If our senses gave us wrong information about our environment , we would soon be extinct.

“You will either drown in the sea or die in the desert” – The world of people smuggling

Woman pulled alive from rubble two days after Taiwan quake  

‘Hunger Games’ Prequel Novel Coming In 2020 https://trib.al/WwR2E6K  #WhatDoYouThink?









me: i let the casting director jerk me off

He arrived back in Altenberg `` with manuscript and bird intact . ''

The two men break through the plants and enter the cave.

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

Afghan women, girls face invasive virginity tests, says rights report 

Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously move! You're in the way!

Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons!





Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch

Whas that? Oh, it's the stank basket.

In any event , in going to Italy , Cervantes was doing what many young Spaniards of the time did to further their careers in one way or another.

A thing no one tells you about growing up is that none of us “feel” like adults and we’re all confused sometimes and scared sometimes and all of us face rejections and setbacks. Don’t despair because you haven’t “made it” yet. Have grace for yourself.

I always put the shopping carts back at the grocery store. I want the single moms to know I’m one of the good guys just in case I’m ever back on the market.

Why don't Baptists screw standing up? They're afraid people might think they're dancing.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Jyväskylä harbor is home for many passenger ships operating on lake Päijänne.

I stubbed my toe in a library once. I had to suffer in silence.

He was born and died in Bologna.

WikiLeaks' Assange says to leave Ecuador embassy, accept arrest if loses U.N. case  

However Chinese characters should not be confused with Chinese words ; since most Chinese words are made up of two or more different characters , there are many times more Chinese words than there are characters.

If the type of ISBN must be specified , the and templates may be used.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None.  They screw in hot tubs.

Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodations for squirrels? It's called The Nutcracker Suite.

I am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral."

Since James pinned Victoria , however , and not Melina , Jonathan Coachman announced that a rematch would take place immediately.

me *first time watching a porno*: they must'a took off their wedding rings for this.

German Jews fear rising antisemitism during Mideast refugee influx 

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

When Three Know It, Alt Know It

U.S. says raised concerns with Rwanda over its activities in Burundi 

Many have colorful patterns.

British socialite to face Epstein accuser's defamation lawsuit 

Many of these are volcanic in origin , but the best known volcano is Krakatoa.

Like most arthropods , spiders lack balance and acceleration sensors and rely on their eyes to tell them which way is up.

The 2nd century BC started the first day of 200 BC and ended the last day of 101 BC.

The connotation is a symbol of love and affection , not in the way of a rose , but a symbol of true love.

you really can’t get excited if you think i’m flirting with you because i unintentionally flirt with EVERYONE. i accidently flirted with my MOM yesterday

Won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75

Got out of the shower and my wife said "Look, its like a penis, only smaller". I said "Look, its like my secretary, only fatter and less flexible".

Every year , tourism grows in Curitiba.

Soon , they became best friends.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay. You have my word!

My girlfriend has this weird, sick, demented sexual fetish. Cuddling.

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.





*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

Sorry I ignored your nudes but I was coming up with 10 really fucking annoying hashtags for my Facebook post.

In this time falls the beginning of iron ore mining in and around Ibbenbüren , which ended in the first half of the 19th century.

Over time , neutron stars slow down because their rotating magnetic fields radiate energy ; older neutron stars may take several seconds for each revolution.

R&B singer Amerie is another famous Afro-Asian American , with her father being black and her mother Korean.







me: oh now look who suddenly understands geography

"Wow, nice pair of crocs"
-Said no one, ever.

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces. It's a Boing 747.




Sodium = oh my god

Kerry says effort and good faith could lead to lifting of sanctions on Russia:

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Pluto received every vote.

I love Dry erase boards. They're remarkable.

"I Love Maths" By Adam Up.

Many schools teach children to make sock puppets and then have the children put on shows or plays for the whole school with them , sometimes with all the sock puppets singing.

NASA says big asteroid could pass near Earth next month  

Nelly Kelly was sure some fan , She would root just like any man , Told the umpire he was wrong , All along , Good and strong.

Quake hits eastern Indonesia island, communications down 

Britain justified in many of its EU demands - Merkel 



Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Lazy People Fact #5626728943: You were too lazy to read that number.



me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

this is feminism

Two cats named 123 and Une-Deux-Trois swam across a river. 123 Cat made it but Une-Deux-Trois Cat Sank.

Samarra's Sunnis fear displacement a decade after Iraq shrine attack 

sometimes when I need inspiration I’ll sit back, turn off the thong song, and turn on the orchestral version of the thong song

C. Rajagopalachari was the first Chief Minister.

I’m real, real single.

He is the first known individual of Armenian ancestry to have come to North America.

Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon

Anxiety: Half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.



State Farm (out of breath): SO DID WE WE'RE ALSO HERE WE GOT HERE AT LIKE THE EXACT SAME TIME ITS A TIE

The past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.





me: [suspiciously] why

Alcohol was created so ugly people can have a chance too.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.







Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

U.S. boosts study of Zika, birth defect link, as virus seen spreading 



Me:

A common year of 365 days has exactly 52 weeks and one day , so consequently the next new year is one day of the week later.

Why don't monsters eat clowns? Because they taste funny!









picture for once

Instead of a linear driving device , one may use a nonlinear update function.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.

Western European Summer Time is a summer daylight saving time scheme , 1 hour ahead of Coordinated Universal Time.

if you’re having sex and he doesn’t come in 15 minutes legally you’re allowed to leave

Turkey says has hit only Islamic State targets since ceasefire started 

Pentagon calls for parties to halt militarization of South China Sea  

Thinktank says weak UK tax revenue could thwart Osborne's surplus aim:  

How did the prawn meet his girlfriend? On the net.

See The viola in popular music below.

Many species live most of their lives as single cells , while other species form colonies or long filaments.

Well over one thousand musical compositions have been inspired by Hugo 's works from the 1800s until the present day.

Rubio needs strong New Hampshire showing to rebut debate critics 

Dollar pressured as US rate hikes views cool, Fed-speak awaited  

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

the fact that high waisted jeans are cool among middle schoolers blows my mind imagine entering high school without having seen every one of your classmates butt cracks WILD

Asian shares seen consolidating as investor fears ease 

Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.

Other methods included dousing saffron fibers with viscid substances like honey or vegetable oil.

Tea is for mugs.








Bwaaa dada da da dooo

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements? Bernadette.

Please see List of people from Ontario.

Additionally , you may appeal the at.

A Fool's Tongue Runs Before His Wit

I'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.













Dog 911: OMG

Dollar struggles as Yellen eyed for direction:  

Just turned on the TV to see Sydney and Tokyo have already started celebrating the New Year. Fucking idiots, it doesn't start until midnight

WHO says Zika Virus spreads explosively, four million cases forecast:  

I always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly. In fact I'd describe him as a little standoffish.

Halloween: the only day you can get away with killing someone and leaving them on the front porch.

To date , the head remains unburied.

If you believe you may be notable enough , make your case on the appropriate talk pages , and seek consensus first , both with the notability and any proposed autobiography.

During the late 1950s , Blake became one of the best known British pop artists.

there will come a time when Trump will finally say "yeah, so I raped women, okay?  happy now?" and his followers will simply say "wow, what a brave man to admit his own faults"



refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

the trailer for the new Cars movie looks weird





Me: ok i WILL apologize for putting crystal light in your fishtank

Iran extends voting due to 'rush of voters': state TV 

Can Mississippi wear Delaware's New Jersey? I don't know but Alaska

A politician is one who shakes your hand before election, and shakes your confidence after.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? I'll be black.

we're canceling shark week because we just found out that they're real, and also super mean! sorry everyone wow

I BEG YOUR PARDON?!

A huge section of tree just broke off and demolished a bank in town. I've no idea which branch it was though..

How much room is needed to grow funghi? As Muchroom as possible.





therapist: you are the worst receptionist we've ever had

Economy can grow 8 pct in coming fiscal year - Jayant Sinha  

Pandas cannot fly. They are like penguins in that way. As a matter of fact all black and white animals are flightless (ex. zebras, orcas)

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Good Night , and Good Luck.

U.S., Apple ratchet up rhetoric in fight over encryption  

Syrian opposition to meet U.N. envoy after 'positive response' 

The first written mention of the town of Düsseldorf dates back to 1135.

The show 's premise was to see whether or not Nikki would perform the tasks given to her and keep her job for a day , or whether she would quit or be sacked due to her infamous tantrums.





Take that, kale.

Despite the name , it is not related to black pepper or to chili peppers.

Fed's Yellen says global risks could pose U.S. growth threat:  

This meant that Raw was live one week and taped the next.

I hope the world will let him go in peace to build an honorable life and reputation . ''

Australia says China 'challenged' South China Sea missile report  

Jamaican austerity government seeks second term, opposition vows jobs 

Caretas also alleged that Fujimori 's mother declared having two children when she entered Peru ; Fujimori is the second of four children.

Many chytrids are aquatic.

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "Fuck"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"

Alphabet overtakes Apple in market value - for now 

Nobody has ever..... said this to me

Drawing birds is a good way to keep the gloom at bay

psa it’s weird and off-putting to reply intentionally rude things to people you don’t actually know in an attempt to be funny/connect with them

Poland to join fight versus Islamic State in return for NATO help in east 

Oat extract can also be used to soothe skin conditions , as in skin lotions.





                         Forgetting the picture

The judge sided with Peters , but many astronomers and newspapers sided with Borst.

Watch out for lamp manufacturers. There are a lot of shady characters.

As day breaks , Siegfried and Brünnhilde emerge from their cave . Brünnhilde sends Siegfried off to new adventures , urging him to keep their love in mind.

Rocky Rapids has one store at the hamlet center . Other home businesses are ran in Rocky Rapids as well.

Irish PM Kenny warns of Brexit risk to Northern Ireland:  

Among those rescued were 69 children.

Iran holds talks with Russia over missile defense upgrade:  

me hard at work creating brilliant content for my followers on twitter dot com

Even Reckoning Makes Long Friends

John Paul I was the first Pope born in the 20th century.

Here's a poem about the problems caused when a mathematical concept takes over a poem.

My boyfriend has just got a job as a light switch engineer. Its really turned me on.

when I get MARRIED my WIFE will be in THE KITCHEN where she STAYS and I WILL ALSO be there BECAUSE it’s ALSO our BED ROOM. we live in a VERY SMALL studio apartment because we are POOR

Oil prices rebound on investor optimism over oil producers deal  

Greek PM says differences between lenders delaying bailout review - paper  

In some cases , the two recorders may be combined in a single FDR/CVR unit.

German spy agency got 100 tip-offs about ISIS fighters among refugees: report 

Neither Rhyme Nor Reason

To punish mankind for stealing the secrets of fire , Jupiter ordered the other gods to make a poisoned gift for man.

I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it

Britain seeks stronger "emergency brake" from EU: source 

Fewer than a quarter of a million people speak English as their first language.

Take Care Of The Pence And The Pounds Will Take Care Of Themselves

Most of the time they are so much like the gear counter plus the reverse gear.

I always call out my wife's name during sex. Just to make sure she's not around.

The wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose. I work in a hammer factory

Czech president says planned EU border force too small 

Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

Teenager says attack on Jewish teacher was for Islamic State: prosecutor 







NOAH: aw c'mon man don't be a dick

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

so are you ..you know *mimes cuffing jeans* bisexual?

[setting tinder radius] what's the circumference of the earth

I want to grow a mustache so I can twirl it while making plans to take over the world

The first vest used by the team had vertical white and light blue stripes.









wife: *running from a boulder* I'M DIVORCING YOU



me: lmao are you on rollerblades

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.

I’m losing my gotdam mind it’s like a little shoulder devil fell down and can’t get up omfg someone life alert the imp

My attention span was made for 140 twitter.



me: [closes laptop] nothing suspicious!

In a fight, I can beat anybody with one hand.. The guys with two hands are always more difficult though.

European Parliament calls for release of HK booksellers detained in China 

This was followed by her second album , Feels like Home , released in 2004.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa!





hammerhead shark: i'm listening

Pentagon says two Navy boats in Iranian custody 

Another common use is to let people know about your activities on Wikipedia , and your opinions about Wikipedia.

Boeing says to cut commercial airplane jobs to reduce costs  

Italy drops objections to EU migration fund to Turkey  

I'm not affected by the price of gas, I just get $20 worth every time.

[extremely loudly] dome hepot

Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away

UltraTech to buy Jaiprakash cement plants for $2.4 billion  

Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.

It also means to have one 's guard down , open to censure or criticism.

 Meet Israel's batgirl.  





Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

 Five people killed in Canada school shooting, two more in critical condition: PM Trudeau

Agnes was also the only Category 1 hurricane to be retired at the time , and one of 5 today.











Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud

Syria aid trucks enter four of five besieged areas 

U.S. and EU firms warn of 'enormous' consequences if data pact talks fail 

Crazy how I’m an adult despite my attitude and behavior and inability to book a doctor’s appointment

As they jump from tree to tree , tarsiers can catch even birds in motion.

Today I went to toilet without my phone. There's 178 tiles in the bathroom.

The other half of the Earth is the water hemisphere.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jukeboxes do not contain one single juke









Me [unpacking one after the other]: Also unknown.

 Hillary Clinton congratulates Bernie Sanders on stage after losing New Hampshire primary. 

UK consumers least confident in over a year on economic uncertainties 





My dog:

China expects to lay off 1.8 million workers in coal, steel sectors  

Opeth returned home after touring in support of Blackwater Park , and began writing for the next album . At first , Åkerfeldt had trouble putting together new material : `` I wanted to write something heavier than we 'd ever done , still I had all these great mellow parts and arrangements which I didn't want to go to waste . ''

A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit."  That's an MD promise.

In 1993 the three districts were merged.

Saudi Arabia says war games will boost military ties with Muslim allies:  

P. sativum is an annual plant , with a life cycle of one year.

Fed keeps rates unchanged, wary eye on global markets 

 Gunmen open fire at entrance to hotel used by foreign tourists in Egyptian city of Hurghada: security sources

Chinese flood Taiwan president-elect's Facebook, demanding return to China  

UPDATE: FIFA : Infantino 88, Sheikh Salman 85, Prince Ali 27, Champagne 7 in first round of presidential votes. 

Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.



And other things to keep me awake at night.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

An Ounce Of Discretion Is Worth A Pound Of Learning

 U.S. judge rules Martin Shkreli can travel to Washington D.C. to testify to congressional panel on drug pricing

China seeks investment for disputed islands, to launch flights 

This series would also mark the end of a long period of invulnerability for the Yankees in the World Series.

Medellín is today a modern city with a population of three million.

Suicide bomber kills at least 15 outside Pakistan polio centre:  

I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.

UK forces through reforms for doctors despite union opposition 

TNS poll shows 36 percent of British voters would leave the EU versus 34 percent who would remain 















Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

This page was last modified $ 1.

Tennis racket? Match-fixing allegations hit the game as the Australian Open begins:  



ME [concerned]: that sounds fairly dangerous, diane

Aguilera later said she was `` completely unaware of '' and `` didn't know if it a man or a woman . ''





To refuse to learn the lessons from the Holocaust does its victims a greater disservice than any amount of pedantic bickering.

I love the thread about baby boomers and their dull knives. It’s so specific and niche.

when two bananas from the same bunch are fuckin- this is know as an alabamana

His three older sons are distinguished from one another by the nicknames `` Monk '' , `` Big Wheel '' , `` Red '' and `` Little George . ''

FBI releases grainy aerial video of deadly roadside encounter with Oregon occupiers.  

This species sometimes consumes tree sap.

The company initially performed at the Old Vic , their first production being Hamlet , directed by Olivier and starring Peter O'Toole.

girls who still do their skincare routines while in depressive episodes are braver than the troops

Russia's Novosibirsk power plant says staff evacuated after bomb call 

hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed

Obama ignites political firestorm by bypassing Congress with new gun measures:  

If one crosses the date line at precisely midnight , going westward , one skips an entire day ; while going eastward , one repeats the entire day.

In 1423 went to live in Lille.

The Northern Red Oak is the provincial tree of Prince Edward Island , as well as the state tree of New Jersey . The Live Oak is the State Tree of Georgia.

Indian top court refuses to intervene in student leader's arrest:  

I love being an adult because I get to say shit like “sorry it’s been a weird week” every week for the rest of my life

Austria to cap migrant arrivals at 3,200 a day 

If G-sharp minor must absolutely be used , one should take care that B-flat wind instruments be notated in B-flat minor , rather than A-sharp minor.

Power restored to Afghan capital Kabul after weeks of blackout 

Which month has 28 days in it? All of them.

Obama among those to pay respects to Scalia at U.S. Supreme Court  

Today , the Taj Mahal stands as the ultimate monument to love , and a homage to her beauty and life.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.He's the Spokesman.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.







with a bacon double cheeseburger

there are piles of dirty clothes all over my apartment bc the ground is hot lava and i need to jump between them to go about my daily activities it’s strictly about survival

A Friend To All Is A Friend To None


[not even six hours after I failed my green belt] you for real?

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Saudi-Iranian proxy war over Syria spreads to Davos 

Israel charges Palestinians it says were recruited by Hezbollah 

Syrian opposition meets U.N. envoy, demands action on humanitarian issues 

Merkel says EU-Turkey plan is our priority on migration:  

I just got back from my mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball. It was a cracking service.





Me: i need A LOT of motivation

UK decision on airport expansion on track for summer - minister 

Technically he was Edward Scissor fingers but I’m not trying to cause a ruckus

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory

The two make love.

Saudis, Russia agree oil output freeze, talks with Iran to follow:  

My wife just said I was ignorant..Nonsense! Why? I don't even know the meaning of the word!

and she's calling a cab while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag, now they're going to bed

Argentina's Peronist opposition party splits; boost for Macri 

He Is Lifeless That Is Faultless





baker: one scone, coming right up!

A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

Scandal prompts Adidas to cut short IAAF sponsor deal: BBC 

When using a voltmeter to measure voltage difference , one electrical lead of the voltmeter must be connected to the first point , one to the second point.

He had his first lead role in Encino Man.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

China shares slip as oil slides, outweighing stimulus hopes 

Her first teacher was Alison Dalrymple.

You 're My Heart , You 're My Soul '98 is Modern Talking 's first single released from the seventh album Back For Good , and it 's the first single after their reunion in 1998.

More than 60 people killed in suicide bombs in Nigeria: officials 







me: no

Kazakh police detain businessman with close ties to Russia 

Sometimes the term first language is used for the language that the speaker speaks best.


jasmine: this is not what I had in mind

Circumstances Alter Cases











BUZZ: not as good as the moon, yeah

Syria's main opposition group is yet to agree to a plan to stop the fighting:  

Adams has been nominated three times but has never won.

Here’s to being single – drinking doubles – and seeing triple!

Assad backs Syria truce, accuses opposition of violations 

A Fly In The Ointment

Super Bowl: 30 second clips of men running in between commercials

Many Baba lovers work or live in the vicinity.





Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

Suarez scores four as Barca rout Valencia 7-0  

Soon after he left Nintendo , Yokoi began the company Koto Laboratory in Kyoto.

The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006

What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrist's shower? Well, that's another load off of my chest.

Just dipped celery in guacamole and the definite worst part of this diet is dipping vegetables in other vegetables.

It wasn't until 1973 that the company was officially established under the name `` Sanrio . ''

Syrian rebel commander says northern Aleppo countryside 'totally encircled':  

South Sudan rivals talk peace while killing civilians: U.N. 

The sabre target covers everything above the waist , except the hands and the back of the head.

Kicking ass and takin’ names like a bastard.

All Covet, All Lose

'Turning gold into lead': Hollande squanders post-attack bounce 

Oh and another thing, they’re sticky 

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

Time Is The Great Healer

Sink Or Swim! 




CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact*

I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since I walked there.

In Mauritania alone , it is estimated that up to 600,000 men , women and children , or 20 % of the population , are enslaved with many used as bonded labor.

christian kids be like wow high school was a wild ride time to relax with some marriage

went? sowwy i can’t pay went. i’m just a wittle baby

This is a partial list of the last five seasons completed by the Hornets . For the full season-by-season history , see List of New Orleans Hornets seasons.

Its underwings are yellowish with black speckles.

This simple tabulation has two drawbacks.

Sadly , many qinpu compiled before the Ming dynasty are now lost , and many pieces have remained unplayed for hundreds of years.

According to Twitter's algorithm the fact that I follow @steak_umm translates into an interest in @AncientAliens ? 







me: that i am dangerously hydrated

If you bite a popsicle, the end of it is what your arm looks like if it was cut off.

Idk, just seems like Obama had fewer concentration camps for children

What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.














then send us your best (1) of the week & a very good one from a friend

Bushranging numbers flourished in New South Wales with the rise of the colonial-born sons of poor , often ex-convict squatters who were drawn to a more glamorous life than mining or farming.

They have two spots of concentrated sensor cells on their retina , one to look more forward , and one to look more backwards.

only 600 slim jims were made in 1992 and they just sit in gas stations

A dangling appendage that extends from the head of the fish attracts small animals to within striking distance of the fish.

To err is human, to forgive is divine. 
In other words, the forgiving is somebody else's job.

Pipeline fight sends woes downstream

Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was and the nurse said, 'There's no change yet'

Sigarettes are the main reason for statistics.

Obama, Southeast Asia leaders eye China and trade at California summit 






*In a panic I start to twerk*

The sisters enter and are alarmed by the presence of strange men in their home.

I could never work in the Job centre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day.

John Edwards among lawyers vying for lead role in Volkswagen suit:  

Like Searcy County , the city takes its name from Richard Searcy , a judge for the Superior Court of the Arkansas Territory.

China's growth hits quarter-century low, raising hopes of more stimulus 

Why do they offer senior discounts? They've had twice as long as anyone else to get the money!

She has played extensively in men 's tournaments around the world and her best form was seen in the 1980s and early 1990s.

From there , they must find a way to survive , as well as a method of escape.

A pair of mandibles lie inside the mouth.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails

Chinese airlines join forces to write a blacklist of rude passengers.  

A look at the week around the world, in   

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.

Use to define the team name and colors , to add the name and number of every player and to add the last player in the squad and close the template.

The Company was formed in 1865 and continued to produce locomotives and carry out general engineering work until 1965.

It is commonly used to make clothing , bed sheets , and sleepwear.

U.S. urges African leaders to sway Burundi on peacekeepers 

Insight - Doctors puzzle over severity of defects in some Brazilian babies  

 FIFA's Blatter is still being paid his salary despite ban from world soccer  

The latter association placed her among the first black women to work with a white orchestra , an arrangement that went against the tenor of the times.

I went to a record shop and I asked 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'

“Girls are so emotional it’s annoying,” says adult man who has refused to feel or cry since 1997 and must instead daily ejaculate a substance so potent with rage and unhealthy coping mechanisms it gives every woman within 30 feet an instant yeast infection.

THIS dumb BITCH MADE IT

China stocks face moment of truth after unprecedented trading halt  

For someone as terrified of a robot uprising as I am, I sure have a lot of vibrators.

Germans talk tough, fete Facebook's Zuckerberg  

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Arrest of Brazil's 'maker of presidents' could unmake Rousseff 

As You Brew, So Must You Drink



My dog: Bitch, you were gone all day! Treats or gtfo

A major hurricane , the Great Gale of 1848 , hit near present-day Sarasota , Florida on September 25 , creating a new waterway now called New Pass , named by William Whitaker as the first person to see this new waterway.

Sean Penn shares 'regret' about El Chapo article in CBS interview 

What does the Chicago Cubs' name stand for? Completely Useless By September.

when someone dresses up to match your book // @Loyaltybooks



Boss: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS

China military reports landing drills days after Taiwan election 

Blind and naked at birth , they open their eyes after about eighteen days , and are nursed until they are one month old.

He knew then he wanted to make music his career and way of life.

What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.

Poverty Is Not A Shame, But The Being Ashamed Of It Is

As he sleeps his camp-fire goes out.

Britain's justice minister says EU deal could be reversed 





ME: *under my breath* oce-few

What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay, underlay.

U.S. Republican Trump releases healthcare proposals  





Bee wife: just leave it, David

Knock, knock. Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking!

 Investigators believe bomb likely caused explosion on Somalia plane: U.S. government sources. 

Conversion is the transformation , or change , of one thing into another.

By the early eighteenth century brick making had been extended and four shops and one or two alehouses established on the common.

Convection was also slow to build in , with little banding at first.

Roll My Log And I Will Roll Yours

What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaains.

What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession? "It's better than being flat busted!"

For events where the precise time , day or month is not known , the user may omit these details.

Who's the coolest person in a hospital? The ultra sound guy.




cop: then why didn't you reply to my text?

Such events may be better placed on a.

The first Sweet Children show took place on October 17 , 1987 , at Rod 's Hickory Pit in Vallejo , California where Armstrong 's mother was working.

Because demands placed on one liver enzyme can induce activity in another , many molecules become toxic only in combination with others.

This opened his eyes to the scale of official misconduct , and may have inspired much of his later writings.

What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence? John Hamcock!

This is the race to get money out of China.  

ONN: Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner for Republican Presidential Nomination. "NoBama!"

Many chords can be played with exactly the same notes in more than one place on the fretboard.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

UK retail sales growth picks up unexpectedly in January - BRC  

Y'all wanna go steal from some rich people?

A Life for the Tsar was the first of Glinka 's two great operas.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a life ban from the zoo.

Experts still doubt North Korea's atomic weapons capability as advanced as Pyongyang claims:  

Even in countries with a majority of White people , such as USA , England , and France , Black people tend to have shorter life expectancies than their White counterparts.

Alternatively , if you have no Internet access at home , you may using your school-issued email address , telling us your preferred username.

Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office? Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.





M: Whoa! Goonies NEVER say die.

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? Cos if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.

how has this show not been canceled yet

me knowing darn well that statistically relationships with men lower women’s life expectancies but still falling for them anyways

Anderson moved back to Chicago , working again for a publishing and advertising company.

I'll never salute you, you son of a bitch

I Slept like a baby last night. I shit myself and woke up screaming.

How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.

Most such accounts are soft-blocked , meaning a new account may be created while the old one is blocked.

Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

New York rebounds, Washington shuts down following blizzard:  

Bank of England's Cunliffe says ready to use policy tools if needed  

I like to follow all these young whippersnappers to keep my lingo fresh.

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

SCREAMING. o daddy

In the last six years , Slovakia has won three medals at the World Championships , including a gold medal in 2002.









Daughter: [shakes head] no dada the catffeine in their catpuccino.

Jordanian security clash with suspected Islamist militants in Irbid 

China says Taiwan president-elect must respect constitution 

A Light Purse Is A Heavy Curse

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Japan's savers won't play ball as BOJ turns negative  

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

They have been warned many times.

Political uncertainty looms as Ireland votes:  

It is one of the many layers of bark , between the cork and primary phloem.

The final three men in the match were The Rock and Jericho vs. Austin.

Asia stocks fall on China yuan, economy worries  

I could of been a snooker player, but no one gave me a break.

Wife to husband: "let's go out and have some fun tonight". Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on"

Myanmar parliament to change presidential elections date: document 

You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose

Iranian to strengthen missile program: commander-in-chief 

I had to quit my job at the orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.

how do i simultaneously have zero friends and get invited to 727492 weddings every summer

If you get a tattoo of your top tweet, well, the joke's on you.

North Korea may get plutonium from restarted reactor in weeks: U.S. 

More central bank rate cuts are coming before any hike:  

In crucial vote, Hillary Clinton fails to rally women to her history-making bid 

Executed Pakistani praised as hero of Islam for supporting blasphemy law 

Through his writings he helped to make the world aware of the Gulag , the Soviet Union 's forced labor camp system - particularly The Gulag Archipelago and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich , two of his two best-known works.

Fighting at U.N. compound in South Sudan kills five: U.N. mission 

Israel says its forces shot dead three Palestinian assailants 

Major powers agree to plan for 'cessation of hostilities' in Syria:  

A Penny Saved Is A Penny Gained

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.







Tester: quite the opposite

Milk somehow promotes WikiLove and hopefully this has made your day better.

At me bro you come. - Yoda

Lake Michigan is one of the five Great Lakes of North America , and the only one located entirely within the United States.







Me: *inhaling even more anaesthetic* put your tool in my mouth

What did Mr.T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I pity the stool!

I'm struggling to write a porn movie. There's just too many holes in the plot.

I'm bleedin out scoob

The name Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw phrase okla homma , literally meaning red people.

Turkey's Erdogan says does not respect court ruling on journalists 

Naming one of my children Bass so if I drop them no one will get mad at me.

First Ebola, now Zika: Withering criticism for the WHO.  

UK inflation edges up to one-year high in January as fuel price fall slows:  

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.

Half of the wireless communications were lost in the Sichuan province.



*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

If you have sex on a boat. Is that considered off-shore drilling?

Did you just throw sodium chloride at me?! That's assault!

I just met the girl of my dreams. I forgot about her just a few minutes after I saw her.





me: we swear on other fuckin floors too buddy

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther what you wear under your troutherth.

Explosion near parliament in Afghan capital Kabul: witnesses 

- How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period?  She's only wearing 1 sock

I got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song. I only went looking for Trouble.

Three killed in suspected Islamist attack in northern Kenya 

Ivorian ex-president's supporters protest as Gbagbo trial opens 

Since the storm also extinguished their fire and they were unable to create another one on account of everything being wet , they merely enjoyed what they had and ate the fish raw.

Vietnam protests at 'serious violation' of sovereignty by China 

He come to stuff the goddamn bat right up your ass . ''



me to myself when I reach for another slice of cake: honestly? you disgust me.













cop: *unholstering gun* shit you're right

U.S. asks NATO for surveillance planes to fight Islamic State: Stoltenberg 

For the first time , Bahrain hosted the first Grand Prix.

What do you call a man with ham on his head? Hammed. What do you call a man with more ham on his head? Mohammed

Denver lead Carolina 10-0 after first quarter of Super Bowl 

The North Island is one of the two main islands of New Zealand , separated from the South Island by Cook Strait.



psychic: ooh I love a good satire

He had first bought a plastic horn in Los Angeles in 1954 because he was unable to afford a metal saxophone , though he didn't like the sound of the plastic instrument at first.

A married name is the family name adopted by a person upon marriage , and in speaking of the many cultures where the practice is traditional for women , the maiden name is the family name that the married name replaces.

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water. He must think I'm some kind of mug.

U.S. turns to Broadway to promote gay rights at United Nations 

I just bought some of that coconut shampoo. I don't know why, I've not got a coconut.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Runway at London's Gatwick Airport closed due to spillage 

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

I came across a hooker who'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the porch repainted?

ECB in talks with Italy over buying bundles of bad loans - Treasury  

Residents in Francois agreed to rebuild the wrecked home while the family temporarily resided in a summer home of another family.

It was first documented in 1305.

But normal users still can't edit those notices , except the ones in userspace.

in england cars have horns but instead of a loud honk they say “excuse me” at a normal volume











Dragonfly: [whisper] I can spit fire : )

Cucked  by the mucinex goblin

Did you hear about the rabbi who had to circumcise elephants? The pay was terrible but the tips were huge!

At rest , the proboscis lies within a long tube that may take up a considerable portion of the worm 's length , lying just above the gut.









CEOs: now that’s an idea


me [showing the dog how to use the remote] Almost







*everyone dies of tuberculosis*

 Canada has four recent cases of Zika, all from travelers: Public health agency

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

 Philadelphia shooter 'does not appear' to be observant Muslim despite citing Islamic State in police attack: Advocacy group

Please take a look at the welcome page to learn more about contributing to this encyclopedia.

It was released on May 6 , 2008 in the US and Canada.

Connecticut prosecutors ask court to order Kennedy kin back to jail 







Me: antidepressants, allergy meds, vitamins, lactose intolerance meds, iron supplements, more antidepressants







Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

My friend tells me I am too lazy to think for myself. What's he mean?

Penshurst Place in Kent , England has a little altered 14th century example.

Iran proposes nuclear power cooperation with Hungary 

My girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction. She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.

Why are Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home?

the "shots" guy at the party

Like many other cities in Transylvania , Braşov is also home for a significant ethnic Hungarian minority.

I'm not happy with the results of my cheap circumcision. It was a total rip-off!

Gianni Infantino replaces Sepp Blatter as FIFA president. Here's the action on Twitter:  

Wrapping presents is easy you get your paper scissors/tape. Then you get a pitiful, helpless look on your faceand someone will do it for you

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

#JeSuisCharlie: One year later.   

What do you call a row of rabbits that takes a step backwards? A receding hare-line.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

After many hours , Janu created fire and danced joyously.

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a b

My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.

You Can Take A Horse To The Water But You Cannot Make Him Drink

China's Huawei backs Apple in fight over encryption  

No News (Is) Good News

if the sims is only fun with cheat codes what does that say about capitalism

If Ifs And Ans Were Pots And Pans..

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

The Vatican counters Trump on Pope Francis' border visit:  

Saudi Arabia puts Shi'ites on trial for spying for Iran 

China central bank intervening to support yuan via state-owned banks: traders  

Fatal German train crash caused by human error, prosecutor says  

Swiss told to wait till after UK referendum for EU migration deal 

Calling me a "bitch" makes me respect you even less. Get creative. Cock parrot. Twat gobblin. Slut pier. Show me you really care by putting in the work.

I almost never finish a painting in one pass and love it but this is absolutely one of my favorite paintings ever.

It takes up to three parameters and returns the first one that has any content.

`` Do not the Unbelievers see that the skies and the earth were joined together , then We clove them asunder and We created every living thing out of the water.

For a full list , see List of Masters of Trinity College , Cambridge.

Learning that with great power comes great responsibility , Spider-Man becomes a vigilante.

Bahrain will again be the season opener of the season , and Formula One cars shall , for the first time , drive the full 6.299 k circuit.

What did Paris Hilton's left leg say to her right leg? nothing, they're never together. 

Prius: a tampon on wheels.

NATO looks to combat Russia's 'information weapon': document 

Syria, migration on agenda for Canada, Mexico, U.S. talks 

How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.  

The caterpillar is banded with yellow , black , and white stripes.

Cruz tax plan would slash U.S. revenue, favor wealthy: analysis 

Please, my children. They are very obsolete

Oregon occupiers: Not ready to go home quite yet 

World chess champion Garry Kasparov forecasts bloody regime change in Russia.  

proposing in a rvca trucker hat is a vibe

What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots.

HSBC board to meet, China's role in Hong Kong a factor in HQ debate:  

Decided to get into shape..I choose shape of potatoe.

Indonesia overturns acquittal of international school teachers convicted of student abuse 

U.S. can still hit climate goals despite Supreme Court pause, White House says 

On top of this , there are words such as `` good '' and `` bad '' that roughly mean the opposite of each other , but would be better portrayed as `` good '' and `` ungood '' , dropping `` bad '' from the language altogether.

I used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-SALTED.



Me: *remote control out of reach* I guess not.


STARZ’ slogan: We always have Joe Dirt.

Deutsche Boerse equities trading won't move in LSE deal - Boerse CEO:  

Kerry says China's approach to North Korea has not worked 

It’s devastating that the Notre Dame burned down and not the Colosseum, because I went there once and would really like to tell you all about it

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes

Fearful of Russia, Europe's defense cuts slow: NATO data 

EU's Tower of Babel may fall while leaders distracted 

When the moon hits your eye like an infinity sign that’s a-science

Kerry meets Gulf Arabs in Riyadh on Syria, Iran nuclear deal 

Vince then announced that he and Michaels would face off against each other at WrestleMania.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

what’s going on with this restaurant’s menu

Here at Shoney's our motto is "If the food doesn't kill you, the host will"

What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.

Squid , like cuttlefish , have eight arms arranged in pairs and two longer tentacles.

I pulled a proper fit bird Saturday night! Part Mexican and right up for it. She told me she was dyslexic. I said get your taco, you've pulled!

Ten dead as migrant boat sinks off Turkish coast 

Uganda police buy anti-riot gear ahead of Museveni's re-election bid 

Asian shares slip from three-week high as oil rally reverses  

It had also appeared on their album Good News for People Who Love Bad News.

I just wiped out on my bike right in front of a garage sale so that was pretty cool





ME: ok we have 2 problems

Why did we name our planet after dirt?

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War


And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before

Swiss to vote on law aimed at expelling convicted foreigners without appeal  

Better An Egg Today Than A Hen Tomorrow

Soon...

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards,No one knows what I'm dealing with.

When Angry, Count A Hundred









duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby

The word armadillo is Spanish for `` little armored one ''.

Look at my dog. Just look at him.

Got a puzzle that said "2-4 years" only took me 1.

I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

Obama to announce gun control measures 'quite soon': White House 



#BigBangTheory #indy #ComicCon

English teachers put more thoughts into novels than the authors do.

McConnell: Senate won't OK any Obama Supreme Court nominee 









me: [screaming intensifies]

There doesn't appear to be any way to make the period optional.

Latest poll indicates growing support for British EU exit 

Like Draws To Like

No one is full of more false hope than a parent buying one of those little trash cans for the car.

North Korea launches rocket it says is carrying satellite  

The Live Oak is the State Tree of Georgia.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face





Forget what you saw here.

Senior Iraqi army officer killed in Haditha attack 

An Ass Is But An Ass, Though Laden With Gold

Kremlin critic Navalny files lawsuit against Putin 

They released an album labeled Puuhevonen with traditional childrens 's songs in 2007 , around the time their first children were born.

Is that a horse cannon you got in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Islamic State attacks Jakarta in first strike at Indonesia:  

Scuffles break out over construction of migrant center on Greek island of Kos 

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.

Banadian goose

Absolutely and one-hundred percent. 

I saw a sign in a second hand shop 'Half price TV - no volume control' I thought "I can't turn that down!"

Spin-off or sale? Yahoo turnaround plan in focus as earnings awaited  

I stuck my head out the window while driving and got arrested for mooning..

The nostrils and the mouth are at the distal end of the snout ; the mouth of the Short-beaked Echidna can not open wider than 5 mm.

Icescapee: The ice cube that ends up on the floor when you break a new tray of ice.

The Italians first thought of wooden holders.

U.S. rejected North Korea peace talks offer before last nuclear test: State Department 






No pressure.

My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her? I said:"Back in 08". It sounds much better than 'August'

Singapore says arrests 27 Bangladeshi Islamists, deports 26:  

Why do I have two gray hairs?! A thread...

He is considered one of the first exponents of utilitarianism , and one of the first modern proponents of anarchism.

I gotta dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong also. And said "moment" after awkward. This is awkward.

This may have been because the Polans used to settle in the open fields.

Britain could deny new migrant benefits under EU deal - draft

Israeli MPs oppose eviction of Jewish settlers from West Bank homes 



doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy who walked into a bar? no! neither did he...

Europe's 'last chance'

Texas judge set to send 'affluenza' teen's case to adult system 

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

If you tried to sex a black hole, your penis would be the longest it’s ever been followed immediately by being the smallest it’s ever been.

I keep a bat under my bed, that way if there’s an intruder, and it’s Dracula, the bat will fly out and say “whoa hold up, Drac, this guy’s cool, he’s my roommate.”

Tennis authorities reject allegations that there's been a failure to deal with match-fixing:  









nintendo ds: look dude i'm not naming it dickbutt



I will not be taking comments on this tweet.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

However , if one waits three Saros cycles , the local time of day of an eclipse will be nearly the same . This period of three Saros cycles , is known as a Triple Saros or exeligmos.









the one that gives me self esteem.

Four Americans held in Bahrain as the island marks the anniversary of Arab Spring protests: 









me: [screaming intensifies]

Algeria jails man suspected of links to Paris attacks ringleader 

In classical economics , capital is one of three factors of production.

A chordophone is any musical instrument which makes sound by way of a vibrating string or strings stretched between two points.

The narrator may be a servant of the old man 's or , as is more often assumed , his son.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.

Wasn’t sure what to get this 4 year old for her preschool graduation, luckily the invitation her parents sent included a gift registry.

Who says love is dead? Necrophiliacs

Sean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47Ooh yeah. I'm really into Bond age.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"

EU says Ukraine at 'critical juncture', must stick to reforms 

I fought a guy on some moving stairs today, we started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!

whoever has my voodoo doll please stop making me put my hands above my head. i work at a ceiling fan store and the ceilings are very low

Death toll from Fiji cyclone mounts amid health crisis fears:  

Myth:

It is said to be that once the 'M' in MTV once stood for music.





my headphones: shut the fuck up

if she says please sir i want some more, you have big dickens energy

only got to second base cause i had a boner and told my date i was dwayne johnson hard smh

Assange ask Swedish court to overturn arrest warrant 

North Korea says nuclear deterrent not aimed at South 

The first storm formed on May 25 and the last storm dissipated on November 3.

Germany's domestic intelligence agency says ISIS sending fighters disguised as refugees:  

Video games ruined my life. Luckily, I have two more.

Jason at first thinks that he was robbed , but soon discovers that his entire identity has been erased.

Wildebeest can live more than 20 years.

Me and my posse of penguins are gonna go downtown and start a riot, wanna join?

DeLand is also home to Skydive DeLand.




And was like, “Plz don’t be dramatic,” but then she died and I was like: omg I’m such a bi$h sometimes.

Ejaculation may occur spontaneously during sleep.

One Scabby Sheep Will Mar A Whole Flock

Three people were reported injured on the island , with two others dead.

Vatican's Australian finance chief rejects 'baseless' child abuse allegations 

Kurds' advance in Syria divides U.S. and Turkey as Russia bombs 

Some people probably wouldn't eat 6 tacos and a crispy chicken sandwich at 3:00, but those people's wives probably aren't out of town.

In 1966 , Howard wrote and released her first single of the year , `` Evil on Your Mind ''.

What do you call a sheep in the army? Lambo

Most of my time in relationships is spent waiting for the other person to stop being mad at me.

After rolling back an edit , automatically open the contributions of the user rolled back.

When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.

The Cairo International Book Fair is a major book fair held every year in the last week of January in Cairo , Egypt , at the Cairo International Fair Grounds in Madinat Nasr , near Al-Azhar University.

British shop prices fall more sharply in February  

FIFA appeal panel upholds but shortens Blatter and Platini bans:  

together we can stop him



Blind Person: well that was bullshit.

The modern name is now an Lú.

You should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium.

Attempting to bring a woman to orgasm is a real clit or miss situation.

Lentils are mentioned many times in the Old Testament , the first time recounting the incident in which Jacob purchases the birthright from Esau with stewed lentils.

Yahoo to decide next strategic steps after quarterly earnings: sources  

Greeks at frontline of migrant crisis angry at Europe's criticism 

I wasn't really sure why he'd said it - I didn't really know why blending science fiction and comedy made me an "asshole." But he'd also brought up (in the first 10 minutes) that he was Al Gore's roommate at Harvard, which seemed equally, I don't know... the same.

Curses Like Chickens Come Home To Roost

Two foreign tourists wounded in shooting attack on Egyptian hotel in Hurghada.

Vivendi to bid for Gameloft, in talks with beIN Sports on Canal Plus  

On such systems three octal digits per byte would be required , with the most significant octal digit representing two binary digits.

EU's Tusk to caution Britain's Cameron on Thursday on risks to EU deal 

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.







Me: oh no

My game dog sucks at chess.

Every Tub Must Stand On Its Own Bottom

They have two children : Harry Theodor , born in June 2002 and Vera , born on January 1 , 2005.

Facing U.S. storm, VW set for easier ride in Europe on emissions scandal 

Many large hearths also appear.







Me: Oh right no I don't have that either

I'm not saying the wife's fat, but she puts her belt on with a boomerang.

If We Can't As We Would, We Must Do As We Can

Its name means `` tree snake '' in Afrikaans and Dutch.

Turkey shells northern Syria for second day: monitor 

In the 24-hour time notation , the day begins at midnight , 00:00 , and the last minute of the day begins at 23:59.

On the way home , Jess and Leslie learn that they are next-door neighbors.

France's Hollande reshuffles his government before 2017 elections 

In the 1590s three of his children were baptized in the Oude Kerk.

Bought a cake for my girlfriend and wrote 'I'm baking up with you' on it.

Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller scream? She was wearing mittens.

That's A Horse Of Another Colour

Paris Attacks survivors thank Bataclan security man who saved them:  

Will someone who is good at Latin tell me what animal this is?

I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.




Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself

A swimmer caught in a rip current should not attempt to swim back to shore directly against the rip.

None of your watched items were edited in the time period displayed.

Decrying graft, Pope to tour poor, violent corners of Mexico 

I've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!

Obama's gun control measures to spark political, legal fights 

Honour And Profit Lie Not In One Sack

Peru still unclear on future of presidential runner-up Guzman 

Midget psychic escaped from prison! Newspaper headline reads; Small Medium at Large.






Or donate directly: https://dannyronsrescue.org/donate  (pls @ me the receipt!)

The Darkest Hour Is That Before The Dawn

Wofford 's colors are old gold and black . The school mascot is the Terrier.

Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.

Platini withdraws candidacy for FIFA presidency 









Titanic: It's not hot hot

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

The only question asked was whether Robinson would beat Currie and come second.

 Brazil's Zika virus outbreak worse than believed - minister 

Its first permanent building opened at Exhibition Place in 1961.

The wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer. Apparently femfresh wasn't it

I had some time to kill..So I started with the mother in law.

A Bad Workman Quarrels With His Tools

Analysis - EU's real brake isn't Britain but Franco-German impasse 



My day is ruined

Do you think Satan gets a lot of letters from Dyslexic kids during Christmas?



Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Last week I went to see the foot doctor, I took out my willy and the doctor said "that's not a foot!" I said"I know, but it's a good 11 inches"

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, it wasn't that hard.

My Mrs was moaning about my obsession with sport so I booked us a table for 8pm. Disaster! By 9pm she still hadn't potted a single ball.

Asian shares pressured, South African rand dives 














pisces: kamek

New York steps up efforts on crane safety after deadly collapse  

Spanish pirate? Sea señor



Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Russia's Putin discusses situation in Middle East with Israel's Netanyahu 



ME: ok

How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

Turkish military says killed 27 Kurdish militants in southeast 

I think my tapeworm might be pregnant, I feel like I'm eating for three.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Humpty Dumpty off the wall? So he could see her crack.





god: lmao not even close my dude

The only way to defeat the patriarchy is to swipe right on guys holding giant fish, then send them your nudes but cover the good parts with the words I’M A SOCIALIST, BITCH

Lollipop ladies. They make me cross.

Made a chicken salad today. The little prick didn't eat it.

EU refines Cameron deal, preparing summit 'English breakfast':  

‘PUT THE PYTHON DOWN AND COME INSIDE! YOUR TEA IS READY!’

They think he killed the men and chase him and Iolaus.

What happened to the stressed out redhead? He ginger snapped

In 1770 his company created the first complication , and nine years later he designed the first engine-turned dials.

What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber!

A cure for dyslexia? Now that would be music to my arse.

The undertail coverts are predominately white.

Democrats to demand restructuring mechanism for Puerto Rico: letter 

There should be a law against 50+ year old men calling people "bro".

Ignoranus: an ignorant butthole.

I prefer when people say I was "overserved" rather than "sloppy drunk" because it implies that someone else was to blame

How do you know if lady gaga is dead? You poke her face

Women should not have children after 50. Really… 50 children are enough.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Iran begins crucial elections for parliament and Assembly of Experts: TV 

Congressman wants to strip Bill Cosby of his Presidential Medal of Freedom:  

Canada drops bid to return ex-Guantanamo inmate Khadr to jail 

It would be incorrect not to call Lapland Finns with that name , and would be similarly incorrect to use the latter name about the Sami people . This might be troublesome for foreign visitors because of the similar lives Finns and Sami people today live in Lapland.

I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked, but that's rare.

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.



“It’s my 0CD”

Death toll from strikes on east Syrian town reaches 47: monitor 

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.





Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

He that shall be found Guilty of Cowardice in the time of engagements , shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.

There are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower, and dirty freaking liars.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

To my wife in bed - "Give me a Chilean Miner!" Her - "What's that?" Me- "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!"

It is one of the three ` senior ' non-leagues in Scotland.

Johnson was born in New York City , but his family returned to Britain soon afterwards , as his mother had yet to take her Oxford University final exams.

What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN

My 2yo was poking at my teeth with his finger and straight up just asked “daddy, what dat mouf do?”

Macedonia postpones elections under EU, U.S. pressure 

A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned.

How do pigs get to a hospital? By riding in a hambulance.

If it wasn't for blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

There is no one way to describe the original and unique sounds of Boeremusiek.

jairzinho just did a knockout so fast you can fit the whole thing in a gif lol

To put it another way , often it is not meaningful to simply add and subtract magnitudes.



ME: sure just need three screenshots

The key factor to distinguish them is to look at how many instructions the processor can issue in one cycle and how many threads from which the instructions come.

Oil prices fall on U.S. storage glut, ongoing economic woes  

Texas AG says daily fantasy sports operators not legal in state 


duvet cover: I'm your huckleberry, hoss

Two Israeli teens get lengthy jail terms for Palestinian youth's murder 

I was gonna tell a joke about a roof, but it would probably go over peoples heads.

Burundi grenade attacks kill four, including a child 

Everyone in my office is losing their shit cause I somehow downloaded a corn dog

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car and kept the engine running.

It was initially created to ensure clean drinking water supply for the city of Srinagar.

It provides a combination of personal revelation and eyewitness accounts of great events , such as the Great Plague of London , the Second Dutch War and the Great Fire of London.

Maybe that makes me a bad actress.

China's Xi sets up five new 'battle zones' in military reform push 

The first aboriginal settlers of Australia may have encountered living Megalania.

Sean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47. Ooh yeah.. I'm really into Bond age.

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

At the same time , Charles de Valois entered Florence with Black Guelphs , who in the next six days destroyed much of the city and killed many of their enemies.

What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.

A Round Peg In A Square Hole

Migrants set out on foot along Greek highway to Macedonia  

Trump serves notice to those who refuse to take his 2016 White House campaign seriously:  

A tree hollow or tree hole is a semi-enclosed cavity which has naturally formed in the trunk or branch of a tree.

Welcome to middle age. Choose one: a shitty night's sleep or a great night's sleep with weird neck pain.





lion dad: Who said that? Who fucking said that I will mangle his fluffy little shit talking body

Born and raised in Montreal , he was given his nickname due to friends deciding he looked like comic-strip character Andy Gump.

Tanorexia: A disease like anorexia, no matter how tan a person is they never think they are tan enough.

The stock gives whoever owns it part ownership in that company.

Seven Hamas gunmen killed in Gaza border tunnel collapse 

This may mean the head voice of a woman is a man 's falsetto equivalent.

Saw a bud's tweet saying "spending The night with my girl" I chuckled to myself because that movie SUCKED.







Me: Wait what

I think shooting for the stars is a waste of ammunition.



*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

Venezuela's economic crisis will sink Maduro: opposition 

What was Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft






YOU LOOPHOLE SONOFA

News conference at the U.S. Conference of Mayors interrupted by silent protester:  

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes and Noble from 6 PM until I'm escorted out by security.

Putin to spy service: Defend Russian elections from foreign foes 

I’m so inspired by the straight pride parade that I’m starting a charity for people who are really rich.

What's the difference between an Indian and an asshole? One smells like shit and the other is an asshole.

 Oscar organizers pledge to double membership of women and minorities in film academy by 2020

I saw this wino lying in a gutter eating grapes, I was like, "bro, you have to wait."

My computer just beat me at chess. Beat its ass at kickboxing though..

What did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.









me: YES I JUST NEED A MOMENT BC I HAVE POOR COPING MECHANISMS

 Worst start to the year for Dow since 2008, worst start for S&P 500 and Nasdaq since 2001

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Many countries issue only one passport to each national . When passport holders apply for a new passport , they may be required to surrender the old passport for invalidation.

My tombstone is going to say, "I told you I was immortal."

You hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner

Alabaster is a name applied to varieties of two distinct minerals : gypsum and calcite.





PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

SOMEDAY IT’LL BE A PERFECT WORLD WHERE CAT HAIR IS SEEDS AND EACH STRAND THAT IS SHED SPROUTS LITTLE KITTENS

I thought I'd lost my dog in London at the weekend. Turns out he was just outside Barking.

There's been an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

Two drunken men see the light and walk over to take a closer look.

England football player Johnson facing jail after child sex conviction 

It was an early episode , showing early designs for a few recurring characters.

He likes his black and white furry top hat , which he once lost and later found.

What do my son and wine have in common? They're both white, two years old, and in a box in my refrigerator.

Republican Rubio seeks boost in Nevada, but Trump dominates polls 

"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."

S(he)'s bro(was a sk8er boi)ken

Should the Pakistan teachers have shot back?  



ME: *dies*

Bernie Sanders action toy slouches, points and raises lots of cash

Words probably of Mede origin appear in various other Iranian dialects , including Old Persian.

After 1,000-year split, pope and Russian patriarch embrace in Cuba:  

Asian shares skid to 2011 levels as oil slump intensifies  

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

oof

That company formed Spin Media LLC as a holding company.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? 
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.

I've got a friend whose butler is missing his left arm--serves him right.

My wife told me that women were better at multitasking than men. I said to sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do do either!

Valmiera was first mentioned as a town in a chronicle dating back to 1323.

At one time Atomic City , Idaho was actually called Midway , Idaho.

My Korean friend died last week. So Yung.

To Save One's Bacon

In the 2004 documentary Marilyn 's Man , Dougherty made three new claims : that he invented the `` Marilyn Monroe '' persona ; studio executives forced her to divorce him ; and that he was her true love and her `` dedicated friend for life . ''

Dattatreya left home at an early age to wander naked in search of the Absolute.

Trump and Clinton capture key wins on Super Tuesday. Catch up with the outcomes:  



ME (needs to tie my shoe): Oh no.

Hot chocolate was first brought to North America as early as the 1600s by the Dutch , but the first time colonists began selling hot chocolate was around 1755.



Dude who really loves weed: no it didnt

A Thief Knows A Thief As A Wolf Knows A Wolf

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Merkel warns against gains for British banks under EU deal - party officials  

In kennels , the best prevention is to keep all the cages disinfected.

The U.S., E.U and U.N. have issued unusually stern criticism of Israel:  


Crying while eating your salad at lunch can burn an extra nineteen calories and you lose excess water weight

i’m gonna skip the middle man and just get married to a kitchenaid mixer

A new horror film. A sadist traps snowmen and forces them to melt bits of themselves to escape. Thaw.

Colombian peace talks back on track, say sponsor countries 

My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.. All I do is sit around and stuff.



Wife: u run away from flies because “maybe they know a bee”

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

I can't stand math teachers. They've got too many problems.

If you wait for the waiter to return..Doesn't that MAKE you the waiter?

This planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days now.

In the ten playoff games prior to the cancellation , Vézina had won six games , lost three and tied one , with one shutout.

Most mathematicians don't realize, there's an easy way to round Pi. Just add an "e".

Turkey sees 70,000 Syrian refugees reaching border, 'won't close gates,' says PM 

Knock, knock. Who's there? Alex. Alex who? Alex the questions around here!

Rehab is for quitters.

Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.

The name of the book comes from the first verse , `` The Song of songs , which is Solomon 's . ''

Indian audiences expect full value for their money , with a good entertainer generally referred to as paisa vasool.

My dad used to say: "Always fight fire with fire". Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

The Company was founded in October 2007.

Scramble for safety boosts yen, gold and bonds  

Rival Labour could swing Brexit battle for PM Cameron 

Rankin was raised in New York and was introduced to music by his mother , who sang at home and for friends.

lLimiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Colombian rebels promise end to use of child soldiers 

Another name for this color is mallow.

This must be done prior to the start of the game . ''

As market rout continues, Yellen sticks to her guns 

Stocks fight back as oil pinballs back above $30:  

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.



Me: stairs don’t talk

sending an email to myself over and over with just the word "email" in it so that my phone learns to stop putting a dash between the e and the mail inside the word email which is spelled email

Cenote water is often very clear , as the water comes from rain water infiltrating slowly through the ground , and therefore contains very little suspended particulate matter.

The closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.

Tree bark is often used as a mulch and in growing media for container plants.

It marks the first use of Bart 's catchphrase `` Eat my shorts . ''

Vietnam PM out of contention in party leadership, political exit looms 

Steinitz had previously declared he would win without doubt , so it came as a shock when Lasker won the first game.

After being arrested and soon released , in 1881 Cafiero went to London , where he remained for a long time.






^ tilt your head to the left for a tiny Arsenio Hall studio audience





- A Cumundrum

I can tell that my skincare jokes have made you cry because of how moisturiser.

Source says Siemens to buy CD-adapco for close to $1 billion:  

So annoying when no one in the office notices your new haircut or the subtle change in light as day shifts from morning to afternoon

The human penis is made up of three columns of tissue : two corpora cavernosa lie next to each other on the dorsal side and one corpus spongiosum lies between them on the ventral side.

Apple's fight with U.S. could speed development of government-proof devices

High waves hamper search for Marines missing in Hawaii helicopter crash 

whenever i spend hours scrolling for the latest drama i call that teasearch

Two decades would pass before the significance of Flemming 's work was truly realized with the rediscovery of Mendel 's rules.

i could tell you about this vanilla froyo but then i’d have to kill you

Adversity Is A Great Schoolmaster

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

Jalal Dabagh was born on May 12 , 1939 , in Silêmanî city in Southern-Kurdistan.

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. It's becoming a night mare. 

Ran into Donkey from Shrek today.







wife: oh-ho YOU CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S SNOT BUTTER *pulls off mask to reveal she’s actually Sacha Baron Cohen*

Time flies when you're throwing watches.

When God shuts a door he opens a window.  And turns off the lights. There’s food in the fridge.  He'll be home by 9.  Don't touch that thermostat!

`` Let It Go '' appeared on the Set It Off soundtrack.

FIFA hears Blatter appeal against eight-year ban:  

Three Iraqi presidential guards kidnapped near northern town: sources 

How do vampires fall in love? Love at first bite!

It's crab season. Choose your fighter.

Apple seeks nod to open India stores:  

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who?I didn't know you were a cowboy.

New breed investors embrace China's white-knuckle ride 

There’s a good reason why Ferris Bueller’s day off was about a teenager, and not a 40 year old man. Today I’m getting an oil change, emissions tested, and going to the DMV. I almost fell asleep typing that.

I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.

Who needs men? I can gaslight my own damn self

Circles , tubes , cylindrical shafts , disks , and spheres may be concentric to one another.

The two women soon develop a strong bond of love and friendship.

Alphabet reports 17.8 percent rise in revenue 

It appears to be like a long katana-shaped halberd , but straighter and thinner , with a very long tsuka.

NBC then canceled Fear Factor in May.

Here is my portrait of @Liz_Cheney

The company enter the black forest of Mirkwood without Gandalf.

He That Never Climbed Never Fell

What goes around comes around







ME: *does a little more* ᴬˢˢᵀᴱᴿᴼᴵᴰˢ

If so , an early recourse to dispute resolution may help.

Females also have two black spots in the center of the forewings.

Two wrongs make a riot.

North Korean patrol boat crosses to South, retreats after warning shots 

John Bardeen was born in Madison , Wisconsin on May 23 , 1908.



also me [to the man in front of me at the express check out]: fucken seven cauliflowers is it? cauliflower ass sucker you motherfu

David Bowie dies after 18-month battle with cancer  

A wise man once said nothing.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

The First Blow Is Half The Battle

In time gloves replaced bare hands.

Did you hear about the dumb woodworm?He was found dead inside a house brick.

The Northern Hemisphere species of swan have pure white plumage but the Southern Hemisphere species are mixed black and white.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.













pisces - the matrix

What has five teeth and an I.Q. of three? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

'Making a Murderer' shines unwanted spotlight on Wisconsin city 

Sometimes wisdom doesn't come with age, sometimes just age likes to show up.

Most common bony fish , including most fish kept in aquaria or caught for food , are neither electrogenic nor electroreceptive.

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch

Greek PM Tsipras says lenders could return for review in first 10 days of March 








ME: Shhh

I just got the morning post and one envelope read 'Photographs Do Not Bend'. Liars! I folded it in half really easily!

really looking forward to multitasking in a fast-paced environment this weekend



Butter knives: FINALLY

He 's played for the New York Rangers , Florida Panthers , Philadelphia Flyers , New York Islanders , and New Jersey Devils.

North Korea successfully conducts nuclear test 

Asian shares gain on commodity recovery hopes 

I waited until he came back.

Burkina Faso army arrests dozens of suspects after armory raid 

France did not request EU to consider new Iran sanctions: EU diplomats

Like many Disney Channel Original Series , The Suite Life of Zack and Cody had a number of novels based on episodes of the series , as well as original books.

Dow slides 2 percent as China fears trigger selloff:  

BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field. The steaks have never been higher.

Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing Sexbomb, sexbomb.' Doctor: "you've got Tom Jones disease." Patient: 'is it common?' Doctor: "It's not unusual."

Iraqi police confirm three U.S. citizens missing in Baghdad: 

The name roughly translates to Saint Mary beyond the Water.

I hate being bipolar, it's amazing.

Emaul: degrading someone via e-mail

I will start watching it when it's called "dancing off a cliff"

6:30 is the best time on a face clock..Hands down!

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper "I was just thinking the exact same thing".

9 in 10 people love chocolate. And the 10th person is a liar.

Why do barbers become good drivers? They know all the short cuts.

Newly released bin Laden letter calls on Americans to help Obama fight climate change:  

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

Darkthrone is a Norwegian black metal band.

spring in hieron

Two Palestinian teens shot dead after attacking Israeli in West Bank 

Standard time is the result of synchronizing clocks in different geographical locations within a time zone to the same time rather than using the local meridian as in local mean time or solar time.

Max Landis has been a confirmed piece of shit for many years and I have lots of opinions but one of the best ways to make him pay is to make sure nobody forgets this tweet

Jenna Morasca , fearing for her mother 's health , decided to drop out , returning to her mother 's side ; her mother passed away eight days later from cancer.

To the garden of my love there came an evil louder The shrubs now lie there , my fair one , shrubs lie While gathering the roses , he broke their stems to moulder They are all dry , my fair one , they are all dry.

Heard Apple was making a new iPod Touch model targeting a younger audience. I don't think the ' iTouch Kids ' is gonna be a big success.

China markets face make-or-break day as policy dumbfounds 

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

The Hawaiian name `` Mauna Loa '' means `` Long Mountain ''.

Germans make refugees feel at home with buddy schemes, cooking and sport 

People ask if I still enjoy sex at 45?! I live at number 57, so it's not far to go

I'm going to shave off my hair then grow a beard so it looks like my head is upside down

These tourist deaths in the Dominican Republic are the closest thing we’ve had to a real-life Scooby Doo mystery in years.



dog: actually im barking at climate change

Just ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.

The WHO warns that the mosquito-borne Zika virus is likely to spread across the Americas:  

When trying to improve the security of a block cipher , one might get the idea to simply use two independent keys to encrypt the data twice . Naively , one might think that this would square the security of the double-encryption scheme.

I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

EU agrees Greece border demands, heralding Schengen suspension  

When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible? When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.



me: no

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have put it on aloha setting.

How do you confuse a moron? 16.

See Ladakh for more information.

Argentina's new president faces strike, discontent as prices leap  


me:

Ivory Coast soldiers get life sentences for killing ex-president 

One end of the device is fitted with a single male type-A USB connector.

Confession Is The First Step To Repentance

What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy

Several special bus services serve the stadium when events take place.

Damascus expects tough but short battle for Aleppo 

might fuck around and pronounce the p in raspberry

South Korea's Park seeks 5-party talks on North's nuclear program  

I asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way..So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up? Because they were never on the same page

Did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.











look sad for a not-roast

"The future we want is in our grasp": Hillary Clinton  

Circular definition: see definition, circular.

A Forced Kindness Deserves No Thanks





Me: *welling up* It sure is, kiddo

Mixed up my first few blog topics and ended up writing about sex on a budget.

Bought my gay friend a GPS just so it would tell him to go straight.

Remember the whole Marie Kondo fad where we all cleaned like half a room and were like “welp, that’s quite enough of that.”


[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha

What do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry



*been afraid of a goose

'Homegrown' terrorist attacks are a top security threat this year: U.S. intelligence chief.  

Neutrinos have bad breadth.

While it’s an honor to be officially selected as The-Person-The-Waiter-Makes-Eye-Contact-With-To-Ask-If-Everything-Is-Ok-For-The-Whole-Table, I’m afraid the pressure to understand everyone’s needs is too much. I’d like to resign from this position, please.

Mother of Texas 'affluenza' teen posts bond, set for Tuesday release 

Entropy isn't what it used to be.





List of places that’ll die before I see them: everything within 50 miles of the ocean

Bank of Baroda posts Q3 loss as bad loans surge  

fave a reply guy’s reply and he’ll reply for a day, respond to a reply guy’s reply and he’ll reply for a lifetime

Pope courts indigenous Mexicans as Catholic fervor fades 

Magical Mickelson moves two ahead at Pebble Beach 

UK consumer spending growth hits eight-month high in January - Visa Europe:  









me: my ranch hand

What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!

The Higher The Ape Goes, The More He Shows His Tail

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

I have two identical watches. I've got time to spare

Spain's Rajoy declines to seek confidence of parliament 

look it's getting late are you gonna kiss me thru the phone or not

Really hate my new job crushing empty Coca-Cola cans. Its soda pressing.

The precocious passion and eloquence of Hugo 's early work brought success and fame at an early age.




Full quote: “Hell is other people trying to board an airplane.”

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair

Bleach and latex gloves:$10. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape:$ 20...Chainsaw:$200 The Horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!

Belgium detains 10 people in IS recruitment investigation 


me:

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams. Cause she'll be wanting some weird stuff.

I had to quit my job fitting tyres at the garage. I just couldn't handle the pressure.

In this way , energy is transferred from the water flow to the turbine.

Iranian, Chinese presidents agree to expand strategic ties 

What's green and climbs walls? An overly ambitious cucumber.

Russia reinforces base in Armenia with modernized aircraft: agencies 

Bad Zurzach was previously known as Zurzach ; the population voting for the official name change in a referendum of 21 May 2006.

North Korea govt took 70 percent of money paid for Kaesong workers: South Korea 

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

`` One Fish , Two Fish , Blowfish , Blue Fish '' is the eleventh episode of The Simpsons second season.

To Live From Hand To Mouth

Former 'Friends' star Matt LeBlanc joins BBC's 'Top Gear' 

Debt Is The Worst Poverty

me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses

I have an irrational fear that I will have sex with an old barfly and she will turn out to be Steven Tyler.

The brain is a wonderful organ:  it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.





OFFICER: Ok, there’s a body in the pumpkin patch

I've always wanted to learn how to juggle. I just don't have the balls to do it.

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

How's an online college degree like a small pizza? Neither feeds a family of four.

Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.




I’m going to bed


CONGRATS TO THE BOJACK HORSEMAN CREW!!!

I'm like Daniel Craig, but without any of the Daniel Craig stuff. This is a lazy joke, please don't debase yourself by liking it.

Trump hammers away at Cruz citizenship, U.S. Senate leader mum 

i want to die








and Hermione’s the brain.

Speeding has never killed anyone. suddenly becoming stationary, now THATS what gets you.

I'd say fuck the wheather, but its definitely under 18...

How does Canada have free healthcare but not cashapp and instagram music

Egypt parliament expels MP for dining with Israeli ambassador 

In the introduction to his collected Persian poems , he says : `` In the early days when I was just beginning to write poetry , every few days I would set my heart on a particular pen name and then after a time change it for another because someone showed up who shared the same name ''.

Air strikes target road out of rebel-held Aleppo: Observatory 















the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ

Those performances qualified Kim for the Grand Prix Final for the first time.

Obama makes emotional plea in defense of plan to increase background checks for gun buyers:  

What's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves 

A few years later Palahniuk managed to make his first New York Times bestseller , the novel Choke.

Soon after , three nomadic vampires - James , Victoria , and Laurent - arrive.

Tens of thousands of Fijians homeless after cyclone: disaster agency 

UK to launch review into feasibility of tidal energy 

U.S., allies conduct 24 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military 

I had a huge fight with my girlfriend yesterday, but I know she'll come crawling back to me. I stole her wheelchair.

Evaporation exceeds precipitation , the level of water in lakes like Lake Chad falls , and rivers become dry wadis.

i'm starting a feminist program where i teach young girls to torrent without their boyfriend's help

The affirmative action policies have seen a rise in black economic wealth and an emerging black middle class.

The poet and story writer Henry Lawson was born on the nearby gold fields.

All smiles #Corsica https://www.instagram.com/p/ByraS0QB0fM/?igshid=12lxn39i6cjud …

Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst

Nothing Succeeds Like Success

Vaughan Williams and Butterworth became close friends.

'No deal yet' on Britain's EU renegotiation, leaders say  

Calls in South Korea for nuclear weapons as parliamentary poll looms 



ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

Authorities to sweep Oregon wildlife refuge after armed standoff 


Me: this is neither of those things

Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.









me: isn’t that like 90% of what doctors do?

The people live here without any discrimination of caste , color , language and religion.

Colombia, FARC rebels to ask U.N. to monitor any disarmament:  

Digital audio files can be transported from one computer to another like any other file , and played on a compatible media player.

Air New Zealand Limited is the national airline and flag carrier of New Zealand.

I wrote about UCB for Slate:

Bomb kills at least five Somali soldiers outside Mogadishu 

Just me I guess

`` Fell on Black Days '' was written by frontman Chris Cornell.

All any of us want, is to think that we made a difference.


me: [shows up late to meeting wearing socks and sandals] whats going on

These salaries were set centuries ago and reflect the living costs of the day.

I won 'BSer of the year' but no one believed me.

I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze. So I gritted my teeth.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Twitter reacts as Pope Francis and Donald Trump take each other on

I said I was not comfortable doing air guitar. And I'm definitely not jumping in the air. Twenty minutes later:

Italian killing highlights assault on academic freedom in Egypt 

Two Chinese killed in 'bomb' blast in Laos: Xinhua 

Wal-Mart merges tech teams in online push  

Australia warns travelers of possible militant attacks in Indonesia 

I started learning karate as a child due to a fear of vampires and tbh they've never tried to fuck with me since then

Nobel Peace Prize shatters record for nominees for 2016 

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.



Me: Yes that's it.

How do u find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

Stoker was the third of seven children.

U.S. justices consider taking Obama appeal on immigration action 

The first recorded use of amaranth as a color name in English was in 1690.

Bernal suggested that evolution may have commenced early , some time between Stage 1 and 2.

Slumbering Pakistani steel giant shows why state sell-offs are stalled 

If you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put the fucker down.

Every Dog Has His Day

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

Despina mocks the sisters , advising them to consider new lovers over old lovers.

i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso

What do you call a woman sat under a cow? Pat.

A Blind Man Would Be Glad To See

countrang rongss, take mae honess

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just know she'll swallow.

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

The population of Great Inagua is 969.

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the gas station.

No, you won't.

Geek: The people you pick on in high school and work for after.

This group is set on , and may use to set permissions on any wikimedia wiki ; they may add or remove any user from any group.

Many criminal operations engage in corruption , black marketeering , terrorism , abduction etc..







me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence

I've always wanted to be a doctor, but I've never had the patience.

Hercules and Iolaus are in a tavern and end up fighting some men because they don't believe that he is really Hercules.

U.S. OKs sale of 8 Lockheed F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan - Pentagon  

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Osborne warns of deeper spending cuts after growth falls short - BBC 

In Japan , kissing is done as `` proof of affection but not love ; '' mothers kiss their children yet Japanese lovers do not kiss one another.



me *taking a drag on a cigarette*: it was the summer of 1997. we were cloning sheep. Lauryn Hill ruled the airwaves. I remember how the air smelled of the sea.

There's reports coming in about an unexplained explosion that's caused a 75ft deep hole in Trafalgar Square! Police are looking into it.

Israelis near Gaza fear Hamas is tunneling beneath them 

Originality is The art of concealing your sources.

Thus , if you wanted to know how much DM 1,000.00 marks in 1960 are worth nowadays , entering would provide a result still in marks , not in euros.



Me: that’s what cell phones are for

Hamas not seeking a war with Israel, says top official 





keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly

Jobless claims fall more than expected 








lmao bye bitch

Eargasm: climax of ear's pleasure, usually when listening to music. "Dude! I totally just had an eargasm man!"

The Beano comic takes its name from the English word beano which can be loosely interpreted as a good time.

His discovery , first published in the Geelong Advertiser on 7 July 1851 triggered the first gold rush in Victoria.

I took the mother in law out the other night. I love being a sniper.





CEO: *loudly eating Cheetos* wait....let's hear him out, Phil

Many Southern writers , like Simms , soon wrote their own books in opposition to Stowe 's novel.

I was accused of ruining a family portrait, but I swear I was framed.


DOCTOR: Hmm, yes, that explains the bong-shaped bruise on your face.

Women took part in the games for the first time and Charlotte Cooper became the first female Olympic champion.

The last two or three survivors face a jury historically comprising of at least the last seven players voted off.

Insight - FIFA-appointed committee questions Guatemala football TV contracts: sources  

Turkey's Erdogan says stronger presidency not a matter of personal ambition 

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home all the signs were there.

[Katy Perry’s roar playing over a montage of me unsuccessfully trying to open a bag of chips]



for denim pants*



Me, who dislikes myself: ok

Central Pier is one of three piers in the town of Blackpool , England.







me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes

If the company uses proxy servers , this IP address may represent many users at many physical computers.

Some odd-toed ungulates have one hoof on each foot ; others have three hoofed or heavily nailed toes , or one hoof and two dew-claws.

Can Hillary Clinton close the deal?











Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud



Me: *breastfeeding my lizard* Don't listen to him Jar Jar Skinks he's just jealous.

Kullervo sits down to eat , but the heirloom knife breaks on one of the stones in the bread.

How do you make a door laugh? Tickle it's knob.

He started a full time school there for children who had been failed or abandoned by the traditional education system.

Most are marine plankton , but they are common in fresh water habitats as well.

I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE A HANDBASKET

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.

Obama deviated from his prepared SOTU text to insert a reference to the herion epidemic. 

He was the first of three children born to biochemists Arthur Kornberg and his wife , Sylvy , who worked together.

Boxing Day is traditionally celebrated on 26 December , St. Stephen 's Day , the day after Christmas Day.

Speak (Talk) Of The Devil And He Will Appear (Is Sure To Appear)

If there's one thing that makes me throw up its a dartboard on the ceiling!

China warns on South China Sea as U.S., India consider patrols 

If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would look just as it does now.

Israeli troops kill Palestinian who tried to stab soldier: army 

Blanc took Aurier comments 'very badly'  

She transferred back to James E. Taylor High School to graduate with her friends.



Not JUST because of the way it 'punches down' in an attempt to be above the fray and as centrist as possible, but because it's weaponized being detached and uncaring to the point that even being aware of the fuckshit way we're treated makes us jokes

Our Editor's Choice photos of the day:  

Britain's unions ready to join fight to stay in European Union, top official says 

Crude oil slips after Saudi, Venezuela meeting on prices yields little  



DON’T MISS THIS SHOW.

Militants attack near Libya's Ras Lanuf oil terminal: sources 

Nearly two-thirds of Czechs oppose taking in war refugees: poll 

Generally , only men of high economic and social status have concubines . Many historical rulers maintained concubines as well as wives.

Custom Is A Second Nature

No one will grant us deliverance , Not god , nor Tsar , nor hero.

What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans

The medal is given annually to an outstanding work of illustration in children 's literature.

Rupert Murdoch's engagement to Jerry Hall sparks plenty of social media snark:  

Soon Ripe, Soon Rotten

Investigation faults U.S. Army lab's leaders over mistaken anthrax shipments 

Swiss say Malaysian Prime Minister Najib not accused in 1MDB probe 

Why do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls.

A pirate who wants to stay healthy takes Vitamin "Sea".

Ugandan police arrest presidential candidate on election day: opposition 

Nests are built each year in most species but some birds refurbish their old nests.

He is best known for his epic poem Paradise Lost.

The Meißen area , where Radebeul is located , is one of the northeasternmost areas where wine is grown today.

Why did Mr. Grape leave Mrs. Grape? He was tired of raisin kids. 

It was first published in 1999.

Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.

During their short career they released two demos , one EP , and two full-length albums.

The car mechanic handed the bill to the man and said," think of it this way, you came in with a junky car and came out with an expensive one

They should not be interpreted in isolation from one another , and editors should therefore familiarize themselves with all three.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran

The Universe is old and evolving.

It's a sad day today my best pal died of heartburn. I still can't believe Gaviscon.

Kaltag has a week long Stick Dance Festival every two years that draws visitors from many neighboring villages.

Better Give A Shilling Than Lend A Half-Crown

Ill health and his two writing careers led him to give up competitive chess after 1851.

Critics noted that the characters acted differently from the way they would in later seasons.

My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war.



Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut

The worst part of censorship is ***********

Afghan police suspected of aiding Taliban killed, detained by army 

Live Not To Eat, But Eat To Live





ME: (tries to bow but the seatbelt chokes me)

Two antennas got married. The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was fantastic.

Little Things Amuse Little Minds

The first white settlers , the Ruffy brothers , arrived in 1836.

"what the fuck, Carl?"

Nations aim for Afghan peace talks with Taliban by end-February 

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass

Another reason for the decline of Volapük may have been the rise of Esperanto . In 1887 , the first Esperanto book was published.

death by song lyrics and silence

The ITV comedy writers room story is the latest example of how the news frames anyone attempting inclusion. It's never framed as letting people in, which is what the policy is doing, it's always framed as keeping people out who aren't actually being kept out.

Mock 'Brexit' talks paint bleak picture for Britain outside EU:  

Trapped between Iraq frontlines, refugees illustrate Sunni Arab predicament 

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.





Opportunity: You didn't design me to hold a grudge either, yet here we are

Playing ’fuck, marry, kill‘ with husband. So far we’re married.











Me: what did he say?

MPs say integrity unit lacks proper funding 

The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.



















Lion: a-weema-weh a-weema-weh

Math may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution".

So crazy when I was young I thought a hundred dollar bill almost a magical object, worth more than I could comprehend. Now I use them every day to snort cocaine with.  I am  a cocaine addict.

U.S. shale firms, struggling to profit with $30 oil, slash spending more  

Is it 'I will RUN through a camping site'? Or 'I will RAN through a camping site'? (Cos it's past tents)

Wii Fit was the first game to make use of the Wii Balance Board.

In this production , the Nutcracker first `` comes to life '' at the Christmas party , before Clara 's dream even begins.

California lottery says it has a Powerball winner  

Like many eastern spices , pepper was historically both a seasoning and a medicine.

Dating an American guy is the  “is Pepsi ok?” of relationship types, but you have to be like “ya it’s fine” cause you need a greencard even though it’s NOT OK





Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

When a deaf person sees me yawn, does he think I'm screaming?

In the episode , Homer makes a wish for Ned Flanders 's new left-handed store to go out of business.

The sautier observes the tree and notes the day of arrival of the first bud.

They are slimy and are often seen at the edge of bodies of water with their eyes above the water.

I've just bought some Tesco viagra. I only got a semi but every little helps!



Twitter: I put chocolate sauce on ice cream, is that ok?


 #SixWordHorrorStory

Confident Trump says could 'shoot somebody' and not lose voters  

I had a fight with a snowman last night. He didn't last long....things got a bit heated.

China's Dalian Wanda buys control of Legendary Entertainment in $3.5 billion deal 





Interviewer: I mean questions about the job...

He was the first to initiate the company 's exports to France and Italy.

A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.


Mark Hoppus

I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

In a metaphorical sense , much software also has a shelf life.

He was a skater boy / she said "see you later boy" / he left quickly on his really cool skates

France seeks 1.6 billion euros in back taxes from Google

A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?" "Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."

Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk

I think "Shots" by LMFAO was paid off by doctors during flu season.



Check out their original tweet here and give it some love! https://twitter.com/shortsleevesuit/status/1128368225572610049?s=21 …

Meryl Streep sparks uproar over 'We're all Africans' remarks  

Money Often Unmakes The Men Who Make It











Waiter: so do u want a John Wilkes Booth or table




ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.

I’m not always dramatic, but when I am you’ll know by the way I swish my cape.

Great Boast, Small Roast

There's no "I" in Denial.

My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.

My grandfather was a baker for the army. When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.

I'm not old, I'm a classic.

This is what the Apple CFO had to say to Reuters about its quarterly results:  

There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.

Me and @bradfordevans contacted a bunch of bodybuilders on Cameo, pretending to be a mom who needs them to scare her son so he stops eating fudge from her fudge drawer while she’s at work. these are the ones that responded

Many Buller 's Albatrosses and Black-footed Albatrosses nest under trees in open forest.

Turkish police seal off historic Istanbul square after blast: 

Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

Pentagon chief announces measures to improve quality of life for military 

a space cowboy implies the existence of a space horse

The smugglers exploiting millions who are fleeing war and repression:  

He would publicly maintain that he had lost all interest in the project.

Use of 'dictator law' rises in Thailand as junta's reforms falter 

I'm not saying you're a slag, but even your knickers label say Next..











exciting and dynamic

Hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

OAS joins efforts to rescue Haiti election process as clock ticks 

Rwandan police kill suspected Islamic State recruiter 

A: Why are you crying? 
B: The elephant is dead. 
A: Was he your pet? 
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

WWE decided not to add another superstar in his place , making that year 's Money in the Bank ladder match the first year to have seven participants.

SGS denies responsibility for missing nuclear material in Iraq 


In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.

It presents a full program of performances and is also open for public tours.

Other lectures grew into Huxley 's most famous work Evidence as to Man 's place in Nature where he addressed the key issues long before Charles Darwin published his Descent of Man in 1871.

Apple urges government to form commission on encryption issues

I've no idea why my dog always goes mad whenever someone comes to the front door..It's hardly ever for him.

Yellen faces tough sell on Fed rate hikes in Congress:  

In early 1872 came the first issue of the newspaper La Campana and Cafiero wrote for , and gave money towards the publication.

Can’t sleep, too busy thinking about a rhino wearing a party hat on its horn

Early photographers often depicted the nudity of women like the one we see here by Félix - Jacques Moulin.

I have high standards, but low expectations.

Go ''.

Kalamazoo massacre renews interest in how Uber vets its drivers

if you come across this tweet follow me do NOT look at my content first

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

AHAHAHAH @eyeswidebutt posted this sarcastic idiotic take and half an hour later paul joseph watson actually took this position

Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?

This creates an ideal culture for the virulent bacteria that live in its mouth.

My girlfriend kept going on about how much she loves drunken holiday sex.. Worst postcard ever!



The Texas Chainsaw Misunderstanding

U.S. expects to give Iraq more support for Mosul fight: U.S. defense chief 

The young are born hairless , and helpless , and their eyes do not open until about eighteen days after birth.

Why proving Zika guilty is a long and painstaking task:  

Freed Washington Post journalist Jason Rezaian headed home to the U.S. - statement  

Just went to Target and bought some feelings

C. aurantifolia is a shrubby tree , to 5 m , with many thorns.

She and her husband are both Jewish and married in 1984 and have two children.

I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

No, I'm not depressed. I'm not. Really. I'm not depressed.

Just got banned from BandQ, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking! Lucky I got the first punch in.

My heart was abandoned long ago and it grew beautifully wild and free.

Pentagon says U.S. sailors held by Iran had made "navigational error" into Iranian waters:  

Graham had been Reagan 's first choice.

Turkish military helicopters kill 9 in strikes on PKK targets 

Latvia and Poland attended the Summer Olympic Games for the first time.

All three major indexes turn negative after Fed announcement

He went on to win the trophy the next two seasons as well.

What do Trump and Sanders have in common? They're both looking for a lift in New Hampshire:  

I can see five years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

Actors of color were shut out from Oscar Nominations for the second straight year:  

The state 's wine industry continued to grow as California emerged to become one of the world 's premier wine regions.

I can hear opera coming from my wallet. I think it might be the 3 tenners.

In 2006 , the bourse is at the first time in Berlin.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Red Cross halts operations in Afghan province after staff taken 

That awkward moment when your sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.

How a pessimist counts his blessings, "10..9..8..7.."

The Mountain Has Brought Forth A Mouse

Emerging markets industry sinks into post-boom soul searching  

Hunger Is The Best Sauce

Bulgarian prime minister brushes aside death threats 

"Toy Story 4" stars Keanu Reeves, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, aka the world's easiest game of Fuck Marry Kill

email: Once an efficient and fast method of communication and message transferring, now a way of harassing Internet users with spam,

Welcome to Overthinking Club...or is it Overthinkers Club?

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul..

Yo Mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made four quarters.

London Mayor Boris Johnson says backs British exit from EU  

Don't pick on fat people! They have enough on their plates.

Q: What do you do when an Antartian throws a pin at you?
A: Run, because the grenade is in her mouth!!

Stupid fucking idiot and proud!!!!!

Lebanese justice minister resigns, blames Hezbollah over deadlock, court case 

It has black fur with a distinctive beige-coloured marking across its face and upper chest.









me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

You vs the guy she told you not to worry about

Miriam di Nunzio of the Chicago Sun-Times praised Hutcherson and Robb 's performances , saying that `` the film 's heart and soul rests on the abilities of its young lead characters to make us really see the world through children 's eyes.

More than 5,000 pregnant women in Colombia have Zika virus: government 

Deeply eurosceptic Britons may still vote to stay in EU: survey 

In New Super Mario Bros..

Kurdish militants kill three Turkish security force members: army, media 

What do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change. Transparent

U.S., allies conduct 33 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military 

Spanish political parties step up talks in race to form government 

He has written three autobiographical books , This Life , and Life Beyond Measure - letters to my Great-Granddaughter.

Ex-drug CEO Shkreli hires celebrities' lawyer for his fraud case:  

In this version , Oliver is a cat and Fagin 's gang is made up of dogs , one of which is Dodger.

Yo Mama is so fat that smaller fat people orbit around her.

Wait does Rosario know about this name?  @rosariodawson did you see the cats name ?

Two sausages in a frying pan. One says "it's hot in here!" The other says "bugger me a talking sausage!!"

The pebbles may be made of water ice and are somewhat rounded , which may indicate the action of fluids.

The two became good friends and later recorded demo tracks with others from the school.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

EU warns UK deal 'fragile' as Paris, East seek changes:

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "wii".

It was done in response to Ottawa 's Clint Benedict constantly falling to make saves.

Hercules knows that humans can not survive without fire , and if he does not get the Torch back all life will die.

He produced two other early operas , Daphne and Florindo , in 1708.

What do you call a row of boxers stood side by side? A punchline.





donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Greek PM Tsipras says pension reform difficult but must go ahead 

The older I get the more I realize that most movie villains have legitimate points, but go too far and have poor execution.

Hope Shanowski was a homemaker with a husband and three children.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts for it.

It has golden-brown fur and large black eyes.

See the `` See also '' section below for links.


And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before

i fully intend to marry one of the people that dm’s off of this tweet so like, don’t miss your chance folks

Your intelligence is my common sense.

In 1933 , he shot the first Armenian sound film `` Pepo . ''

FBI sets up checkpoints around Oregon refuge after one protester killed in confrontation:  

I slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type."



Guy who thinks the word porpoise is disgusting: *starts gagging*

i'm convinced billy eilish's eyelids weigh ten pounds each

Threat confined to a single building at Naval Medical Centre San Diego: commanding officer

Some also wear a cape or jacket , which may or may not be orange.

A pessimist counting his blessings, "10...9...8...7...6...5..."









me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY

'No major alarm signals' - How investors reacted to Yellen:  





CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead.

WHO declares Zika virus a global public health emergency:  

Trenchard is recognized today as one of the early advocates of strategic bombing.

The civil protection agency head Antonio Cunha closed all schools as a precautionary measure.

My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure eight.

Some members of the Classic Squad would eventually become part of the current LNH incarnation like Old Comics Man , Golden Man , and Kid Yesterdaze.

Why was the pig in the kitchen? It was bacon.

U.S. judge orders deposition of Cosby's wife kept under seal 

Yo Mama is so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!"

RWE npower says to reduce UK household gas prices by 5.2 percent 

There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.

RESPECT to all the females that follow me...  Ya’ll know you’re special 

U.S. House backs broader N.Korea sanctions; South Korea calls on China 

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

show don’t tell



What the fuck is wrong with you.

A Threatened Blow Is Seldom Given

If I get a kidney transplant from someone who dies and goes to hell, but the kidney was inside me (a good boy) long enough, does the kidney go to heaven when I die? Just a big meat bean floating in the clouds with wings and a halo?

Tech executives to huddle with government on jihadi Internet use 

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

The water should be bottled water , soft tap water with very little fluoride , or even water from a filtered , established aquarium.

I went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Got to check-out and realized I picked 7up

I lost 120,000 followers because I deactivated my account for 24 hours. So that’s good... #twat




Me: Sam, his name is Sam

I just gave my girlfriend a ring and proposed....that we break up. Then I put the phone down on her.

Why was the mentally challenged midget crying? He was a little down.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Senate panel approves measure to broaden North Korea sanctions 

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change

Iraqi PM discourages Kurdish independence referendum 

The Eurasian Wolf , also known as the Common Wolf , European Wolf and Carpathian Wolf is a subspecies of the Grey Wolf.

What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok

I think men would be extinct if women didn't have chocolate available.

Oil falls on China economic woes, rising OPEC supply  





me: holy crap this is going too fast can you dial it back a little

Muck And Money Go Together

It is common practice in large stores to throw away such food , as it makes the stock control process easier.

Support in Russia for Syria strikes slips, but 59 percent still in favor 

I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.







Crowd of people: Wow, this sucks ass

I don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat.

What ended in 1887? 1886.

Enjoyed the wii-kend. Have I even blinked?

These bishops did not travel alone ; each one had permission to bring with him two priests and three deacons ; so the total number of attendees could have been above 1800.

Eamonn actually asks for the hand of Liadan , she says that she will give him an answer in one year.

FTSE falls as financials falter, Morrisons gains on deal:  

In May 2005 BookCrossing.com won two People 's Voice awards in the Webby Awards for best community website and best social/networking website.

How does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton's been picked.

Obama calls for rapid Zika research as virus seen spreading:

I don't think the person who repeatedly tried to pressure his 3 decades younger co-star into sleeping with him, publicly shame her on set when she refused to and insist the director add unnecessary sex scenes between us should be flapping his gums about feminism.

the weirdest most unnecessary flex i've ever witnessed was me telling my 6th grade teacher that i was paid to be the moderator of an Animal Crossing forum. she didn't know what i meant and also i was lying

I don't see the point of playing in a band and going just one way when you can do everything.

The promoter sees new cash flows as investors are told they could not transfer money from the first plan to the second.

Be Slow To Promise And Quick To Perform

Who wants to be my best friend? All you need is your own swimming pool.

British military rapped over deaths of three soldiers on exercise 

France's Sarkozy placed under investigation in campaign funding probe - prosecutor 

It hit Long Island , New York on September 23 , causing damage and destruction throughout New England.








he will grow.

In newly declassified letter, bin Laden asks his father for forgiveness:  

At the time , this was one of the few examples of state-supported schooling.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's alright.

There are things in life I never needed to know. Amazon selling coffins would be one of them.

What did Earth say to the other planets? Wow, you guys have no life.

I’m probably not the best person to ask for validation on your foot tattoo.

I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco

In addition , many home Hi-Fi and car stereo head units are now equipped with a USB port.

A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing. Unfortunately he lost his case.

British mother convicted of joining ISIS in Syria with young child 

Two pairs of finger-like appendages are found around the mouth in most beetles , serving to move food into the mouth.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Ten wounded, including opposition politicians, in southeast Turkey shooting 

China jails former party chief of Xinjiang's capital for graft 

Unease stirs as Myanmar's Suu Kyi reaches out to former foes 

Bulgaria government defeats no-confidence vote in parliament 

Vietnam's progressive PM not nominated for party leadership 

To Roll In Money

Out of all the presents my husband received this Father’s Day, my 4-year-old’s 3 hour nap was the most heartfelt.

While the Countess and Cherubino are waiting for Susanna to come back , they suddenly hear the Count arriving.

My wife says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well, I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

In his entire life , he never traveled more than a hundred miles from Königsberg.

Two of five suspects in Brooklyn playground rape turned themselves in:   

Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

forgot i had this idea and now it’s messing me up

FBI and Apple to testify at a March 1 congressional hearing on encryption issues

Russian PM says military won't stay in Syria for ever  

To be frank..would involve changing my name.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying by front of the door? Matt





M: *smiling* And now the good news






Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

do yourself a flavor and follow FLEX SEAL

In the south lies the desert through which Alexander the Great passed with great difficulty.

Good morning to everyone except, & I can’t stress this enough, people who don’t immediately point out dogs the second they see them

China stocks end at more than year low  

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room. I wanted to make it look more classy.

He was one of Disney 's Nine Old Men , and the last to die.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.

Two years later the go-ahead was given for a new housing development to take part on the site , consisting of 474 homes.

Shkreli laughs off questions from lawmakers, calls them 'imbeciles' on Twitter:  

Silt is easily transported in water or other liquids and is fine enough to be carried long distances by air as ` dust '.

There are many styles of hula.

Because so much biodiversity was lost , the recovery of life on earth took significantly longer than after other extinction events.

It watches hosts and services , alerting users when things go wrong and again when they get better.

Children 's Literature wrote , `` This fast-paced story is full of adventure and humor.

Like Priest, Like People

Ukraine's Poroshenko sees increased risk of open war with Russia  

U.N. announces start of Syria peace talks as government troops advance:  

In reference to Acts 20:7 , they believe that the disciples came together on the first day of the week to break bread and to hear the preaching of the apostle Paul.

South Africa's Zuma defeats no-confidence vote over economy 

I was gonna tell a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.

For now everything is factored through http://www.undemocracy.com





ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga



Steak-umm bless

My goth son Wesley pissed on my cat puzzle

I would like to remind everyone that liking your own tweet with an alt account is still liking your own tweet which is still e-masturbation which is still a sin.

[bagging groceries for a cute girl] I've quadruple bagged the bananas, don't want these sensitive boys getting bruised xD hahaha. Have a day as beautiful as yourself ok?  [turning to next customer in line who is a guy] Fuck You

See for usage instructions.

Press Alt + F4 to finish the joke..

you guys ever heard a coyote howl in the woods? sounds exactly like a human child lol. it’s 11 pm and you hear a 10 year old girl screaming in the woods and you’re like “mom we gotta go save her” and your mom’s like “it’s just the coyotes” lol shits crazy

yes, there are five stages of grief, but if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-start, you get access to the hidden levels

Rocket hits Medecins Sans Frontieres clinic in Yemen, killing three: MSF 

The last passenger service was on May 28 , 1977.

Its key signature has three sharps.

'hi, i'm kurt eichenwald. when i'm not jerking off to tentacle porn or voting for Bush, i like to tweet about how people who want medicare for all are actual Nazis and were responsible for the holocaust. i am a very serious person and please never laugh at me.'

Michigan restores some powers to Flint mayor amid water crisis 

Katonah , New York is one of three unincorporated hamlets within the town of Bedford , Westchester County.

In June 1974 , Lennon and Pang returned to live in New York City.

This was first pointed out by Ernst Kummer in 1843 , in his work on Fermat 's Last Theorem.

Anyways, I was fired, and they made a drama out of it. I read it, and wrote a ten page memo about what I thought was wrong, and why. Later (after I'd been rehired), Barry Sonnenfeld said to me: "That memo? That memo is what got you MORE fired."

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

The western half of the range lies in Ventura County , and the eastern half of the range lies in Los Angeles County.

Russian air force continues pounding 'terrorists' in Syria: agencies 

If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European

He was raised on one of the local farms and went by the name Dent Young in his early years.

There are only 3 things that tell the truth: 1 - Young Children 2 - Drunks 3 - Leggings

Two days later , on Christmas Day 800 , Leo crowned Charlemagne as Roman emperor.

What did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?  "Make me one with everything."

Incredible, truly

When can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire.

Texts, Internet, social networks are 'gift of God' if used wisely: Pope Francis 







me: *desperately trying to tape it back on* I need a minute here





Please be safe out there, friends.

Wild Saturday night plans? Well, I’m glad you asked. I want to go out and stay up late with my friends, but I also want to sleep for 10 hours. So what I’m going to do instead is stay up late, completely alone, and make sure that none of my competing priorities win. You???

After his death , the Canadiens retired his jersey number , the first time the team had done so for any player.



Me: *scoffing* like my dad would ever mail me candy.

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

Beauty Is But Skin-Deep

Just saw a politician trying to save both faces.

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

"How To Keep Fit" By Jim Nastics

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.

It contains 14 new tracks written by Brian May , Paul Rodgers and Roger Taylor.



ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break

Every sentence must contain formal words to designate what Husserl calls `` formal categories ''.

Larissa lies on the river Pineios.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.

If I were an alcoholic beverage I'd be a Long Island Iced Tea. I'm cheap and you get a lot of bang for your buck.





me: [crying] do i at least get a guide dog

Twitter users decry reported plan to prioritize tweets  









cat: [stalking off] i have nothing to say to the likes of 𝘺𝘰𝘶

When I get mad I count down from ten out loud. I was arrested, the cops mistook me for a bomb.

Main: what a guys number one girl is. He fails to tell her about the others.



(Like getting a call from 23 & Me: "Hey, remember in college when you paid for weed that time by donating to that sperm bank?")

London's new rail line to be named after Queen Elizabeth 

Man facing N.J. terrorism charges cited Islamic State: prosecutors 

His answer comes from evolutionary biology.

More like REpulsive need AM I RIGHT am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am

Heart failure can affect the entire heart or only the right or left side.

Finland, Norway bridle at migrant flows from Russia 

Their first true bookstore was set up by his son , William , in partnership with G. Clifford Noble , in 1917 in New York City.

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.

Syria government has duty to allow convoys, 'tomorrow we test this' - de Mistura 

'Plane wreckage' found in Thailand fuels talk of missing Malaysian jet 

A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

LOL=lacking of literacy

Biden says he's not surprised Sanders ties Clinton in Iowa, NH, polls 

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon. I'll let you know...

Time And Tide Wait For No Man

North Korea says tested hydrogen nuclear device  

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Efforts to revive Afghan peace talks continue in Pakistan 

After another Tribal Council , things got worse for Ulong as they got lost in the dark on their way back to camp.

Why don't dinosaurs talk? Because they're dead.

Black tea has a longer shelf life than green tea.

The Migration Machine: Enter the world of people-smuggling

Antennae may be , or.

A Danger Foreseen Is Half Avoided

Cameron in Brussels, facing decision time on EU deal 

The first movement , called Introduzione by Bartók , is a slow introduction of Night music type that gives way to an allegro with numerous fugato passages.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says "By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog." You look down. It's true.

To Call A Spade A Spade

I have a pet peeve about hearing other's pet peeves.


Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

BOJ stuns markets with negative interest rate surprise  

I didnt lose, I just ran out of time to win.

During the summer practice sessions , the teams in question would cut the players well after signing day thus preventing the cut players from finding new colleges to play for.







Me: Oh fuck no

Why did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay

Blue Lodge , one of the houses , was once the home of Anna Sewell , author of Black Beauty.

In this form it is best used in stir fry noodle dishes without hot spices.

I have a very open mind, people tell me they can feel a breeze when they sit next to me.

Britons expect Cameron to get poor EU deal: poll 

On the other hand , it doesn't allow one to set how many digits must be shown after the decimal dot.

only got to second base cause i had a boner and told my date i was dwayne johnson hard smh

Islamic State says two of the assailants in recent Paris attacks are from Iraq:  

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin stepping down:  







me: no i just hate other people

My wife is such a looker..She's brilliant at hide and seek!

Let’s hop in the sporty rickshaw and tase each other until we can smell our ancestors

India is home to two major linguistic families : Indo-Aryan and Dravidian.

EpiPen is short for Epic Penis





HAN: why do you need a business loan

Trump likes to sleep in his own bed -- but it may cost him votes:  

All Truths Are Not To Be Told

Malaysia blocks access to news portal for violating media law 

China is to lay off five to six million workers. Find out more:  

It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

The North Sea lies to the east.

See the for instructions and discussions.

“Great day in the morning!” is an idiomatic expression of surprise that’s especially charming the way I say it. This is not a surprise.

current mood

Poland, courting NATO, plans to boost Middle East military involvement 

Redstone seen resigning as Viacom chair after stepping down at CBS  

What did one stoplight say to the other stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!

Take Us As You Find Us

"Do you like to swim?" I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

In the heat, in the dark, body pressed against body, flesh against flesh, the fear, the adrenalin, the anticipation, the excitement and above all the absolute necessity not to burst out laughing. No wonder men fell in love inside the Trojan Horse.

Car bomb attack on military in Turkish capital kills 28

If You Want A Thing Well Done, Do It Yourself

The boys make friends.





Me: then find me someone who can

Woman in hiding tells why she blew whistle on Paris attacker 





Me: Standing tall with good posture.

Xinjiang steel collapse casts shadow over China's western ambitions  

Your tongue weighs practically nothing. So why can't you hold it?

What people don't realize: Those people who think paying $60 for a video game is a waste just bought themselves a $300 pair of shoes.

This annoying guy on the bus wouldn't stop asking questions about how the journey would end. So I told him where to get off.

Recent Sperm Bank Review: "I love coming here"

Monster winter storm bears down on Washington D.C. area


my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i'd like to apologise to everyone here once again

Weismann 's work on the demarkation between germ-line and soma can scarcely be appreciated without considering the work of German biologists during the second half of the 19th century.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.

Apple to FBI: No backdoors -  

Man Caves are OUT! Genderless Crying Dens are IN!

Central African Republic president aide says focus now on peace 

U.N. chief Ban Ki-moon says Israel and Palestine must read the writing on the wall. More:  

Script now by Chris Matheson & Ed Solomon & Matt Lee.

“Over your dead body” isn’t a threat, it’s more like an invitation.

I met a girl in town who told me she'd show me a good time. Then she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Martha and George Washington had no children together , but they raised Martha 's two surviving children.

House passes bill again to restrict Obama lifting Iran sanctions  

He became the first Prime Minister of Pakistan to complete a full term in office.

Pakistani university reopens after attack; teachers allowed guns 

What is the same size and shape as an elephant yet weighs nothing? An elephants shadow.

Solid support for Apple in iPhone encryption fight

The New Orleans Hornets is a professional basketball team based in New Orleans , Louisiana.

No winner of record $900 million Powerball jackpot, next draw on Wednesday  

Nothing Comes Out Of The Sack But What Was In It

Emotional intelligence sounds a lot like an oxymoron to me



me, an intellectual: doesn’t really make any sense though

HSBC loses appeal in French tax fraud investigation - sources  

i have been trying to get downstairs for hours...







me: *disappointed* well you don’t look like boss baby

Italian killed in Egypt was interrogated for days: forensics expert 

The Irvine Company 's Valencia operation later split from the company and became Sunkist.

dr pepper killed my wife

Born and raised in Vienna , he began writing at an early age.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Belgium detains two suspects in Paris attacks probe:  

Squirrels get drunk on nuts that ferment when they bury them in the ground & are also, observably, idiots & I have never identified more with any animal.

Hahaha: Used when "haha" just isn't funny enough.

What if oxygen lowers your voice and helium brings it back to normal?



"I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET"

Ive gotten word that certain people on here are "Doing it for the clicks" . Rest assured that i will never do it for the clicks

As sea levels rise, economic damage piles up even faster - study -  

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop, when I saw a sign saying "Glue Sticks.". I thought, "No shit."

It dissolves in water to give intense purple solutions , the evaporation of which gives prismatic purplish-black glistening crystals.

One way to think about mental health is by looking at how effectively and successfully a person functions.

A glory hole but for someone to tell me that they're proud of me

Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.

20 seconds left on the microwave! Women:  Set the table, pour the wine, tweet, check Facebook. Men: Start a NASA rocket launch countdown.

Never Do Things By Halves

Heating table beds is an old practice.

Dissidents fearful as Thailand, once a haven, favors China  

Took a dip in the pool. Lifeguard said 'What you got there?' I said 'hummus'

It was one of the first animated Disney films to introduce new sound effects for regular use , to replace many of their original classic sounds , which would be used occasionally in later Disney movies.

Never forget that you take full responsibility for any action performed using Twinkle.

goodnight god bless @NBAonTNT

When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms..So our parents paid for them.

I just bought some expensive venison. It's dead deer.

What do thieves get for stealing calendars? 12 months

I went up to the manager in Argos today and I said, "I want to buy a watch.""Analogue?" he said. I said, "No mate, just a watch."

It me.


George Harrison: 

Diseases Are The Interests Of Pleasures

Adams has been awarded three honors.

A Man Can Die But Once

eating an edible for dinner. might wash it down with a glass of drinkable. after that? a little breathable might be nice but i’m not greedy

In 2003 , the poetry award was granted for the first time.

LA-area residents implore officials to approve plan to mitigate gas leak 

Facts I def fuck better when I’m high

Greece threatened with expulsion from Schengen over migration crisis:  

Bought the missus a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.

me: [wearing a belly shirt in greece] acroptopolis

What did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.

Turkey's Erdogan threatened to flood Europe with migrants: Greek website 

U.S. and Russia announce plans for ceasefire in Syria that would take effect on Saturday

My smart phone doesnt work. I push home and I'm still at work.

Today I looked at my wife and thought: This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.

New coalition commander inherits raging war in Afghanistan 

Throughout his tours , Basie met many great jazz musicians , including Louis Armstrong.

i’m about to go to olive garden for the first time anyone have any tips



0% of murder gifs have ended in actual murder

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

Locked in tight duel in Iowa, Trump stresses need to win state 



Sam in Chicago: Every single day I see a man wearing the biggest pair of brown pants I have ever seen

From Bad To Worse

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa kept it down to three hos.





MY FRIENDS BACKGROUND SINGING: Yeah, Yeah

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with "When I was little?"

I stood up and the button on my shirt fell off, I grabbed my bag and the handle broke off, and now I'm really afraid to go to the bathroom.

Drought tests a changed Ethiopia 





Husband: Those don't count.

A joint is the location at which two or more bones make contact.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxi cabs or cutting hair.





me: stupid ass jacket

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

to  be a donor, contact samantha (Live Donor Coordinator/ KU Medical Center for Transplantation) at 913-588-5049, include becoming a live donor for layne moore in your message along with your name & bday and if you aren't a match, they can still match you to someone else in need








Twitter fame is not re

This day in history. 1964. The US Supreme Court ruled that Henry Miller's book Tropic of Cancer "cannot be banned for fuck's sake."



David Attenborough: Stunning. The will to survive against all odds is truely remarkable

If You Dance You Must Pay The Fiddler

The eastern half of the state lies in the rain shadow of the Wasatch Mountains.

We've been trying to think of some vegetable jokes. If you can think of any, lettuce know.

Oil prices fall as OPEC squabbles over output targets, crude stocks swell  

The Leopard Cannot Change Its Spots

It is about long and wide.

Turkish army kills 14 Kurdish militants, one security officer dead 

In the North-East of Sherwan Union Council there is another Place called Patheel.

Bus fare protest in Brazil's biggest city turns violent  

U.S. presidential candidate Kasich surprises on Google Trends  

I don’t know who needs to hear this but my superpower is using format tweets and it shows

Every Man Is The Architect Of His Own Fortunes

How does Steven Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.

Guilt: a blanket of your own regrets.

Iraq's water minister judges only tiny danger of Mosul dam collapse 

Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own? Cos it's two tired.



GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda







Both [in unison]: OH NO

If you're arrested on April Fool's Day, they should give you more than one phone call.

I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house? The bloke said "You can cartwheel around the block for all I care".

They can live for as long as five years.

Applied in this way , it may be a fallacy , a false dichotomy.

The last Mamodo standing without their book burnt is the new Mamodo king.

Many passes are closed in winter.

Bieber, Sheeran win first Grammys, Kendrick Lamar leads early winners 

A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview...I haven't even applied for a job there!

Why shouldn't you shake hands with Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Francis. Francis who? Francis next to Germany.

Sudanese migrant stabs Israeli soldier, is shot dead: police 

My brother got hit by a bus and had both of his legs amputated. Now he's my Half-Brother.

This is a regional school district that incorporates two or more towns into one school department with one high school and middle school.

Sweden was , between 1611 and 1718 , one of the great powers of Europe.

Colin Powell , a long time advocate , has recommended a simple moment of silence at the start of each school day.



me: oh you pick

Oil bears closing of $600 million triple-short fund bet seen adding to tumult  

save a cowboy, fuck a horse no wait I messed it up

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who's mad at me for saying that.

I had to shut down my lesbian poultry dating agency. I was struggling to make hens meet.

I enjoy those lovely, peaceful lulls in your workday where you have a chance to just stop and think about your life and then plummet quickly into depression and then find a room with a door that closes and then cry for a while before your next obligation

The language 's basic sound , along with a few words , was first devised by actor James Doohan for.

However , he was actually on a CBS sound stage in Hollywood that was made up to look like the site.

As Welcome As Flowers In May

I heard women love a man in uniform, so I got a job working at McDonalds.

New health study on the psychology of midgets shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy

 A look at North Korea's sports diplomacy.  

Quake strikes northeast India, Bangladesh; 11 dead, nearly 200 hurt:  

She set a new world record of 72.24 points in the short program of the competition with a clean performance.

They're literally concentration camps

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.

Two muffins are in an oven. One of 'em says, "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

I think...therefore, I'm single.







doctor: ok so where's my patient *looking up from clipboard* OH NO :'(

What do you call it when a DJ gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead

Envy Shoots At Others And Wounds Herself

I'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice. And that's just off the top of my head.






apropos           hi, popo! ("hello, officer")

Sticks and stones may break my bones..I should probably drink more milk.

To Come Off With A Whole Skin

What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?

Idleness Is The Mother Of All Evil

GM ignition-switch plaintiff retains criminal attorney mid-trial  

Chris won the last two immunity challenges , and ultimately took Twila with him into the final two.

Budíkov was first documented in 1226.

German conservatives address concerns about migrants as support wanes 

I couldn't decide wether or not to sell my bed. So I slept on it.

The latter , Ingo Heinrich , who was responsible for the mortal shot in the heart , was at first sentenced to three and a half years of jail.

These additions may be new and untested.

A Lazy Sheep Thinks Its Wool Heavy

Ugandans brace for Musenveni life presidency bid 

My boss has just warned me that he has received complaints I'm a pervert. To be honest, I don't understand why, as I'm always hard at work

I just drove my car to a 4x4 specialist..It turns out the answer is 16.

Former U.N. war court convict arrested in Bosnia on fresh war crimes charges 

Like A Cat On Hot Bricks

Palestinian teen shot dead after trying to stab Israeli guard: police 

 Cook County Jail in Chicago on lockdown after 18 percent of guard shift absent: local media

Its first release was Arachnophobia.

Turkey must cut migrant flows to Europe, top EU official says 

Iran releases four Iranian-U.S. dual nationals in prisoner swap 

He silences her by throwing his wig over her face , then falls asleep.

He Cannot Speak Well That Cannot Hold His Tongue















followers: dustin you've done it again my boy

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Herne Hill station would be on a large reversing loop with one platform.

The disease can last initially from 10-20 days and can rebreak when the dog is put into a stressful situation which puts stress on the dog 's immune system.

putting cool gothic steeples everywhere was my trademark as an architect and i'll be damned if i change that now that i'm a plastic surgeon

See also triple spiral.

My answering machine: Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.

European Parliament calls for Saudi arms embargo 

‘words cannot describe’ is the worst thing you can say about words

Better The Devil You Know Than The Devil You Don't

Did Brazil, global health agencies fumble Zika response? 

Probe into German train crash is focusing on human error by signals controller - source involved in investigation.

Barclays to exit Africa as profit falls:  

What did Santa Claus’s wife say during a thunderstorm? Come and look at the rain, dear.

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

Eat At Pleasure, Drink With Measure

The genus name must be unique inside each kingdom.

Syrian army battles Islamic State for third day near key road 

Don't wikilink.

That bit’s bullshit. We like to line our nests with moss.

Muslim woman's silent Trump protest was far from spontaneous  

Keating is `` a man who never could be , but doesn't know it '' . The one sincere thing in Keating 's life is his love for Catherine.

There may , or may not , be sex chromosomes.

The Bald Eagle can be long-lived in captivity if well cared for , but does not breed well even under the best conditions.

U.S. to study Zika link to Guillain-Barre in Puerto Rico  



At least that's what the head of HR Donkeyface Sharon just told me.

Neck Or Nothing











- Fare thee well, my bitch from hell

In 2007 , a new depot opened on Abbey Lane replacing the former premises on Abbey Park Road which go back to the company 's municipal heritage.

Incubation lasts around 70 to 80 days , the longest incubation period of any bird.

First UK rate rise call pushed to third quarter; EU future economic concern - Reuters  

I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.

See for further details.

What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos

My wife is getting her hair done today and I’m just really hoping I can nail my reaction this time.

Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares. Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Been a while since I tweeted this and it remains a mystery - any new followers in the science business that can speak to this?

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I'll probably put it in the front room.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

I know it’s after 6 but I might get a coffee. Anyone need their house painted at 3AM?

If every priest and every nun really is married to God, then the Catholic clergy is the largest polyamorous relationship on Earth.

One of her earliest recordings was in 1972 on an anthology called Stagfolk Live.

Not to get too techie but if you google a question you can get the answer quicker than asking it on Facebook.

Gunmen kill two in Burundi as marchers rally against Rwanda 

I buy a different brand of cling flim each time I go shopping.Just to keep things fresh.

Public buildings and spaces would come to dominate the city.

"I feel depressed, lol"

You so ugly even a basilisk couldn't look you in the eye.

Snapple says it's made from the best stuff on Earth, but it certainly doesn't *taste* like cocaine and pussy...

There are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

The End Justifies The Means

Turkey's Erdogan says Syrian Kurdish militia used U.S. weapons on civilians:  

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!

A lot of young people see the double standards , they see what happens in Guantanamo Bay , and they just think that there isn't a just foreign policy . ''

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night? Take away their beds

In the 19th Century , the boundary was set at the first abundant metazoan fossils.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

The away goals rule also applies if scores are equal at the end of extra time.

Those Who Live In Glass Houses Should Not Throw Stones

Airlines giving refunds on tickets to Zika zones, offering to reassign crew:  

no YOU LOOK GOOD

Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted

How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!

Say what you will about Jerry Sandusky but he was a damn good coach. He could turn a tight end into a wide receiver in no time.

The avocado fruit is poisonous to some birds , and the ASPCA and many other sites list it as toxic to many animals including cats , dogs , and horses . Avocado is an ingredient in AvoDerm dog food and cat food.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Free-form , so you can specify as many as you like.

As You Make Your Bed, So Must You Lie On It

My son took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner was furious.

A 'DiCaprio' ultimatum for energy bossses?  

HSBC says SEC is probing its Asia hires  

Islamic State presses attack on government-held area in eastern Syria 

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.

Hestia is one of the three great goddesses of the first Olympian generation : Hestia , Demeter and Hera.

One dead in shooting outside Denver motorcycle expo; event canceled  

these are the only jokes in like 90% of movies now









me: [erasing 'xxx backdoor nurses 19'] oh right

Chinese sonar vessel to join search for missing Malaysian jet 

All in all... it was a good orgy.

Do you think they even bother giving Jeff Goldblum scripts anymore or do they just tell him vaguely what his character is and set him loose?

A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

This was the first time that a best-of-five Cup championship went the distance.

Site of massacre in San Bernardino reopens:  

He Gives Twice Who Gives In A Trice

Two months after formation , the club name was officially changed to Shimizu S-Pulse.

I’m sorry.

After independence from the British , Balochistan like much of Pakistan has experienced development.

A survey was conducted into why men like blow jobs: 10% liked the feeling, 12% liked the dominance, 78% liked 20 minutes of fucking silence.

A number 12 walks into a bar, The barman says "Sorry but we can't serve you, you're clearly under 18"

I'm currently writing a mystery novel. Or am I?

[email protected] is trying to prevent freelancers from sharing their rates, and we won't stand for it. Send us the rates Vox websites have offered you and we'll share them here anonymously: [email protected]

There are two universities in Eskişehir.

A new stone building was erected to house the Big Horn Academy in 1916.

I don't know who needs to hear this but, you haven't pooped in two days, take a senna

See also List of English words of Portuguese origin , Loan words in Indonesian , Japanese words of Portuguese origin , Borrowed words in Malay , Sinhala words of Portuguese origin , Loan words from Portuguese in Sri Lankan Tamil.

Morley lived for a time in the same parish as Shakespeare , and a connection between the two has been long speculated , though never proven.

For Malus sylvestris domestica , see Apple.

Greek ex-finance minister Varoufakis launches democracy movement 

Awesome!!

















Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

*Throws Mick Jagger through a glass house*

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Fiedler counts today as one of the leading poster artists of post-war East Germany.

How does everyone just smell so good here? I forgot how people in Paris just know how to smell. Discreetly walking behind people sniffing them is hoefully not illegal here.

 A visit to the border of the Korean Demilitarized Zone.  

In the Reward Challenge , Bobby Jon struggled to swallow as he put all his servings in his mouth , but Tom strategically ate one egg at a time , thus granting Koror another victory.



white guy: we should start a podcast

The condition attached to the construction was that the Devil would get the soul of the first to pass over the bridge.

Once I get a few drinks inside me, I find there is one thing I cannot stand. Up.

The festival also shows classics nature documentaries like `` Serengeti Shall Not Die ''.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.

For example , the first player , Ann , begins a turn with a roll of 5.

They surprised Lieutenant Jenkins and his men and captured Fort Ouiatenon without firing a shot.

Why are pilots so great at 'landing' jobs?

Chicago opens law department review after cop shooting mistrial 

Being first in Mexico makes young Syrian refugee a campus celebrity 

When Liz Warren tells you how she’s going to solve a problem that’s called plansplaining.

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

Attack on a Saudi mosque kills three people: Arabiya TV 







TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL

if your vehicle has a monster energy decal you will be denied entry on the evacuation ship












MUGGER: Show me again.

If a presidential candidate picked a stylish, fuel-efficient Nissan subcompact to be their running mate, it could be the Vice Versa

A third of world population lives in nations without freedoms - rights group  

Boeing wins $450 million jet order from PNG's national carrier  

Malaysia's ruling party suspends deputy chief over criticism of PM 

The players ran in one direction.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

EU launches emergency refugee aid scheme for Greece:  

My friend came to me and said, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD! "I was like, "Don't mention it."

BHP Billiton investors sue in U.S. over Brazil dam disaster:  

World tennis hit by match-fixing reports, authorities back integrity unit  

Ugandan general sent to maximum security prison after criticizing long-ruling president:  

Honey, would you like a snack? "No" Then would you make me one?



AL JOLSON: Cool, but where's the sound?

If I turned invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime. The amount of applause he would get would be amazing.

Evidence on talc cancer risk differs for jurors, researchers

When a child and fawn meet.

Always follow your dreams. Except for that one where you're naked at work.

Contemporary multimeters can measure many quantities.

I can give you one vegetable joke about onions. But that's shallot.

Know what the two pessimists did when they first met? They shook their heads.

I've spent all day looking for my cat with one eye..I should have used both eyes really.

What did one light bulb say to the other on Valentine's Day? I love you watts.

Apple's encryption fight: A matter of free speech?

I'M NOT AN INTERN BUT THANK YOU

Allan `` Whitey '' Snyder who saw her during the last week of her life , said Monroe was pleased by the opportunities available to her , and that she `` never looked better was in great spirits . ''

Better A Glorious Death Than A Shameful Life

`` If I Never See Your Face Again '' is a song written by Maroon 5 members Adam Levine and James Valentine for Maroon 5 's second studio album , It Won't Be Soon Before Long.

Momotarō returned home with his new friends , and his family lived comfortably from then on.

Spurs keep up title dream as Arsenal hopes hit  

North Korea's mobile missile launcher, carrying a ballistic missile, is seen moving:  

My hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".

These units survived long enough in British Rail ownership to be allocated TOPS Class 403.

Guys that try to pick up girls on Twitter are pathetic. Girls If you agree message me your number and we can talk about it.

what the hell is going on in my life?!

Zika alarm sparks run on supply of scientific virus samples 

I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.

Charlotte 's Web is a 1952 children 's book written by E. B. White.

GMR has triggered the rise of a new field of electronics called spintronics.

Oil output freeze, who's in?  

thought i would have the best looks at my sisters wedding but then my cool aunt wendy showed up stoned in a tank top that says COMMITMENT

His book is the standard reference work for antique silver.

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Varoufakis advises the UK Labour Party on EU matters:  

What's brown and sticky? A Stick.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke has gotten him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

He Knows How Many Beans Make Five

Wounded U.S. soldier soon to receive first U.S. penis transplant

To Pull The Devil By The Tail

The Mesolithic or `` Middle Stone Age '' was a period in the development of human technology in between the Paleolithic or Old Stone Age and the Neolithic or New Stone Age.

More pulled out alive after Taiwan quake, about 120 people still trapped  

Hi, I’m Brad. I haven’t read a book since high school and vote republican because that’s what my parents did. I’m not really sure where girls pee from, and think labia and vagina are the same thing. Anyway here’s how your uterus and periods work and why this isn’t an abortion ban

No, no. Vermin are only placeholders for something far worse to come. You're fine for now.

U.N. says poised for huge Syria aid effort, if the door opens 

There is another village of the same name in the Mid Devon district.

Anyway- Here’s the opening to Cheers but with Pennywise the Clown hidden in every photograph.





me: *sliding towards him, fists raised to the sky* belly button piercing!!

FCA bans former Deutsche Bank trader Michael Ross Curtler following libor fraud conviction

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys!

What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF

Did you hear about the cobbler who made a satanic pact?He sold his sole to the devil.

Bobby Ballenger is starting a new school a thousand miles from his old home.

The name dates back to the taxonomic name of the first species described by Carolus Linnaeus , which he gave the name Caecilia tentaculata.

He founded the Sistine Chapel where the team of artists he brought together and introduced the Early Renaissance to Rome with the first masterpiece of the city 's new artistic age.

Lebanon Hezbollah's TV station says Syrian army breaks rebel siege of Shi'ite towns 

Hi my name is Avoid Completely. Danger is my middle name.

i once dated a guy legally named Emo and i once dated a guy who had an anatomically accurate heart tattooed on his dickhead, but by far my worst ex was the one who referred to toilet paper as “shit tickets”

See municipalities of Nayarit.

There are seventeen Pokémon types , two of which were introduced in Pokémon Gold and Silver.

Kumaran lost his life during a protest march against the British.

Ford Motor quarterly profit beats Street expectations 

The best part of tomorrow being Father’s Day is not having to think of something to write in a Mother’s Day card right now.

The rest of the song sucks but you can’t tell me that the chorus from Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be” isn’t an all time classic chorus

She has a son and two daughters , as well as 4 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren.

How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?

Italy says West prepared to take on Islamic State in Libya 

'Affluenza' mom expected to be released from jail:  

Seven candidates qualify for Thursday's main U.S. presidential debate 

Can't. Replying "What do you want?" to all the "Hi" and "Heyyy" DMs.

My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.

The California State Fair is held in Sacramento each year at the end of the summer , ending on Labor Day.



ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Pfizer hikes U.S. prices for over 100 drugs on January 1  

Never Quit Certainty For Hope

Assad tells Putin his government will help with Syria ceasefire:  

Instead of a hammock, it should be called the nap-sack

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

These patients first notice difficulty speaking clearly.

“You will either drown in the sea or die in the desert” Enter the world of people smuggling:  

you called me a faggot in high school but you want me to rt your missing mom???!??! LMAOOOOOO

Fighting kills at least 500 in Aleppo province since Syrian army offensive began: monitor 

BREAKING NEWS: A lorry containing Vanish has overturned in Middlesex causing Staines to completely disappear.

Things to do in an elevator: alone with another person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you

In what Californian city can you find waffles buried at the beach? Sandy Eggo.

i want a bike that i can ride on paved surfaces. with a comfortable seat, disc brakes, 8 gears, preferably step-through.

New York jury hears claim GM concealed ignition switch defect 

Argentina offers $6.5 billion cash deal to end debt battle  

I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today. Looks like he was trying to bust a move.

They didn't give any thought to the fact that once he 'd done that he might turn on his creators.

I don't know any.

"Doctor! Doctor! I snore so loudly, I wake myself up at night."
"Have you tried sleeping in another room?"

Egyptian forces kill two militants in clashes in upscale Cairo area 

The tail is darkly colored and straight.

Arabians are one of the oldest human-developed horse breeds in the world.


Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

His work did much to draw the attention of the public to impossible objects.

I just love the smell of Grandma's cooking. So I set fire to an old peoples home.

For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes seventy cense. That's not fair cause the man is only left with .30.

Keep Your Mouth Shut And Your Eyes Open

In hell you have to spend eternity with people who ask if your tattoos mean anything.

Why Egyptian authorities are frightened about January 25:  

I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe.. It meant the world to me.

Turkish air flight from Texas diverted to Ireland after bomb threat: CNN 







the new guy: *backs away*

Tear gas in parliament kills Kosovo vote, again:  

China stays in focus after tumultuous first week of 2016 

What's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.

Another broad category of gestures comprises those gestures used spontaneously when we speak.

Maybe we should tone it down a notch. The neighbours changed the name of their wifi network to;"We can hear you having sex".

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken. 

Got a new job working at the police station sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

Oil futures drop for 3rd session on rising crude stocks, oversupply  

Children on Syrian refugee route could freeze to death: U.N. 

The couple have three children and currently reside in Los Angeles.

i’m just gonna go buy more plants thanks

just found out that before hitler committed suicide he wanted to make sure the cyanide capsules would work so he fed them to his dog idk y’all i’m starting to think we should cancel this guy

Iraqi forces make gains against Islamic State east of Ramadi 

not to get political but amelia bedelia is a complete idiot

I was trying to reference Playboy bunny the other day and I said PlayBILL bunny and wow that’s gayer than anal folks. I retire!

China court jails 24 over $1.5-bln financial fraud - Xinhua 

FIFA ethics committee bans former secretary general Valcke

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Against the fashion of the time , Buchanan stressed the importance of playing without vibrato ; he was reported to have slapped Davis 's knuckles every time he started using heavy vibrato.

Or you could make two versions , one using native-language variable names , and the other using the English names.

What do you call a dead Mexican? Dearly deported.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

I broke my pinky today. It hurts, But on the other hand, I'm just fine.

What's green and smells of pork? Kermit the frogs fingers!

9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

Ukraine president's party to condemn government's performance: leader 



cop arresting me: [cocking pistol] i ain't going back to jail

Kerry hopes for clarity on Syria talks within 24 to 48 hours:  

I don't do dating apps. I'll take my rejection the old fashioned way. In person.

















Me: after lunch, then

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it's on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

The language is also one of the many official languages in India.

okay what the FUCK is indiana

This in turn could endanger water supplies from Pitt Lake as well as fisheries on the Pitt River.

Yo Mama is so ugly, she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother".

Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in.

Israelis near Gaza fear Hamas is tunnelling beneath them:  

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

Ecuador says Assange will answer Sweden's questions in days 

There are also three new songs on the album : `` The Heart Never Lies '' , `` The Way You Make Me Feel '' and `` Don't Wake Me Up ''.









- the car keys

Deutsche Boerse, London Stock Exchange in merger talks - sources

Iran starts election count to set post-sanctions power balance  

Young Alice was one of the first seven students in the United States.

One day he asks if she had any such experience.

There's now a record number of male hairdressers in this country. More evidence of our society's descent into barberism.

Rice was President Bush 's National Security Advisor during his first term.

Bombs hamper troops two weeks after victory declared in Iraq's Ramadi 

I always try not to judge people. Which is probably why I lost my job as a judge!

U.S. job growth slows, unemployment rate at eight-year low:  

i never got “we should hang out this summer :)” in my year books bc even the fake bitches didn’t like me and i think that’s evidence of an extreme power that will definitely blossom into something later in life

Worried this Christmas as our dyslexic office junior has organised a secret satan.

My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."

Women shouldn't have children after thirty. Because, really, thirty children should be enough.

French PM says refugee crisis threatening idea of EU: BBC 

What happened to Jeb Bush, anyway?

Before the days of cultured pearls , black pearls were rare and highly valued for the simple reason that white pearl oysters rarely produced naturally black pearls , and black pearl oysters rarely produced any natural pearls at all.

How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? Sea-section

These aren’t even hard anymore.



bear grylls' mom: bear grylls

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Their tail will drop off and wriggle around for a little while , and the salamanders will either run away or stay still enough to not be noticed while the predator is distracted.

A motif of the heart on the palm of the hand embodies people 's compassion and care for their citizens.

Vice President Biden, Iraq's Abadi discuss Turkish troop issue: White House 

I'm so great, I'm jealous of myself.

What do short people like to drive? A mini-van #joke

The last of five teens accused of raping woman in Brooklyn playground taken into custody:   

The Armenian Quarter is one of the four quarters of the Old City of Jerusalem.

I see someone is selling all their dogging gear on eBay. There's no buyers but I've noticed that there's 126 watchers!

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

Keep your neighbors on their toes by mowing a giant pentagram into your lawn.







me: *gliding away* no

Zika link to birth defects could be proven within weeks: WHO 

Goniatitina is one of two suborders of the Goniatitida order.

One passenger reported sea water in the cabin at about 03:00 UTC.

In spring of 1954 , in New York City , just before his passing Pascal had planned a trip to India to see Meher Baba one last time.

EgyptAir mechanic whose cousin joined Islamic State suspected in Russian plane crash:  



OB: Sir, get outta there. The baby comes out to you.

Man, the Ratatouille sequel is gonna be dark

The only reason why I want to legalize weed in America is so that potheads have nothing ever to talk about ever again.

Wittgenstein 's work on Logic began to take on an ethical and religious significance.

How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.

“Sit by my side, and let the world slip: we shall ne'er be younger” LFW16 gets Shakesperean  

The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful. Bitches love to be called Beautiful

I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it

Genuine friendship is not based on money and power, but on trust, which in turn develops as a result of showing concern for other people’s well-being. In other words, friendship is founded on warm-heartedness.

Jason Rezaian thanks Kerry in first appearance since release 

I was at a club, they played jump! So I jumped, played twist and shout, so I twisted and shouted! They played come on Eileen and they kicked me out.

She first shaved her head to the scalp , then dressed her in a man 's cloak and sandals , and laid her down alone on a mattress in the dark.

Another blast at Severstal's mine in Arctic, no one hurt: reports 

Although feedback is an important aspect of control engineering , control engineers may also work on the control of systems without feedback.

IT'S CALLED THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS, SUSAN  ·

I’m at a much too advanced yoga class and want to leave- it’s really put me in an awkward position

If you bite a popsicle, the end of it is what your arm looks like if it was cut off.

43 Kurdish YPG fighters killed in Syria in battle with Islamic State 

Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon. It's for the Easter period only.

Its name evokes at the same time the new city and the memory of Ascq , martyr city of 1 April 1944 , date on which the Nazis massacred 86 men.

Speech Is Silver But Silence Is Gold

Albatross chicks take a long time to fledge.

Modern Hydro-electric dams can be viewed as the descendants of the water wheel as they too take advantage of the movement of water downhill.

U.N. aims to air drop food to IS-besieged city in eastern Syria 

The atomic number of the atom goes down by exactly two , as a result of the loss of two protons - the atom becomes a new element.

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

I may be wearing a shapeless, unattractive dress that is several sizes too big and resembles a muumuu/tent hybrid but I have never been more comfortable so fashion can eat my entire ass today

My wife has left me because she says I keep treating her like a pet. She'll be back when she's hungry.

They performed at BBC Radio One 's One Big Weekend , held in their home town of Sunderland over the weekend of May 7-8 , 2005.

Soon Learnt, Soon Forgotten

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?" The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."





BUTTERFLY: uuuuuuucck.


friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem

What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper

One literary critic said that had the novel not been about slavery , `` it would be just another sentimental novel , '' while another described the book as `` primarily a derivative piece of hack work . ''

Yemen oil port fire from Saudi-led air strike kills at least nine 

Asian shares extend gains as investor fears ease  

I can't think of any reason to mess with that . ''

Ppl don’t need to lose their minds over this. Anyone, male or female, who isn’t good enough to do this job won’t survive long. This is about the people that hire writers giving equal opportunities in a writers’ room so women can show what they can do.

Pizza, rifles and tension: a night inside the Oregon protest.  

The Temple of Artemis housed many fine works of art.



me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well

New rule: You shit in it, you wash it.

A truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police are on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

To the thief in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run.

Canada to end bombing missions in Iraq and Syria 

Amid transition, Myanmar's Senior General emerges from the shadows 





Me: These are all bad!!!

It is also known as White Twinevine.

Drug lord Guzman closer to U.S. trial as Mexico starts extradition process 

Kenya says it killed head of intelligence for Somalia's Islamist insurgency 

Soon afterwards , the company promoted two ECW reunion shows for ECW Alumni entitled , ECW One Night Stand in 2005 and in 2006.

Metallurgical company CEO arrested for exports to Iran: U.S. Justice Department 

Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!







ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

The Truth: S(he) be(lie)ve(d).

Hunt for foreign assets pits Japan Inc vs China

The name Eloise was later retired.

Supervision: not as cool as it sounds.

The first three genera contain viruses that cause influenza in vertebrates , including birds , humans , and other mammals.

Florida winners of record U.S. Powerball jackpot to come forward  











Me: what did he say?

Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides

EU offering UK 'emergency brake'on migrant benefits - sources 

Me: When I was younger I was given a choice, a long penis or a good memory. Wife: Which one did you choose? Me: I can't remember.

If you would like to experiment further , please use the sandbox.

Who Keeps Company With The Wolf, Will Learn To Howl

China says 49 detained for Tianjin blasts, losses at $1 billion 

My husband suggested we go on a hike today, so if I show up “missing” tomorrow... it’s because I left him for a man that doesn’t make me exercise.

Plan to slash asylum claims in Austria:  

Hey there Delilah I swear to god if you don’t tell me what it’s like in New York City right now I will be so pissed off

Where convenient , the notation 24:00 may also be used to refer to midnight at the end of a given date - that is , 24:00 of some day is the same time as 00:00 of the following day.

Why do mice have tiny balls? Very few know how to dance.


ME: aw fuck, alpha-getti

I go to all these step-by-step programs and I still don't know how to dance.

German police give all-clear over package at Merkel's office:  

 Estimated 50,000 people displaced by upsurge in Syria war, mainly in northern areas of Aleppo province: Red Cross

What do you say if Satan sneezes?

They are best known for their hit singles `` Fire Water Burn '' and `` The Bad Touch ''.



https://stage.freestylelovesupreme.com 

The zone is one hour ahead of the Pacific Time Zone and one hour behind the Central Time Zone.

Demand loans may be unsecured or secured.

It was men like Dattatreya who helped to make this possible.

Dow off to worst January start ever as China fears grow 

The Tailor Makes The Man

Outgoing U.S. commander says mission in Afghanistan not changing 

Macropodiformes is one of the three suborders of the large marsupial order Diprotodontia.

His mother died when he was 9.

Have you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way 

As of 2009 , Rise Against has released five studio albums , two EPs , and one DVD.

Regulator tells banks to open up payment system to competition 

She was hanged over the fire with a rope and she fell into the fire when the rope burned through.

Be there in 5 minutes, if not, read this again.

i love when people get mad at me for "getting political" on whalefact as if it's isn't just a twitter account that i could literally tweet my dick and balls from if i wanted to

Former FIFA official banned for failing to respect earlier ban:  

I typed 'Hollywood' into my GPS and it said "you'll never make it."

Labor Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September.

Presses to fall silent at UK's Independent as paper goes online-only 

This is what happened at the Iowa caucuses: Cruz beat Trump, Clinton edged out Sanders:  



DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Britain denounces Islamic State video showing 'spies' shot:  

Short-term interim government likely in Haiti - U.S. official  

Pressure grows on China to rein in North Korea, South launches propaganda barrage  



HER: cause yo willie’s all dry, hoss

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

Pavarotti began his farewell tour in 2004 , at the age of 69 , performing one last time in old and new locations , after more than four decades on the stage.

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.

Yahoo quarterly revenue falls 15 percent 

Red doors are becoming targets in this English town:  



Now we wait.

someone called me gay for wearing heels the other day..but I was not going to wear tennis shoes with that dress.

I take steps to avoid lifts.

He was one of the early volunteers for the SS and the NSDAP.

Foxtel introduced pay-per-view direct to home television in Australia in the early 2000s.


me 1 second after i cum: if anything touches the tip of my penis im calling the police

Just past my English exam.

Don Alfonso joins the discussion and lays a wager with the two officers , claiming he can prove in a day 's time that these two women are fickle.

Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.

The first recorded use of amber as a color name in English was in 1500.

ECB chief says bank is ready to act in March if needed:  



Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

However , Tutmarc 's inventions never caught the public imagination , and little further development of the instrument took place until the 1950s.

Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza

Trump draws full house as he snubs Fox News  

Every time one of these stories comes up , like , say , Michael Jackson , when it 's finally over I think , what a relief , now we can get back to real news.

Megabats eat fruit , nectar or pollen while most microbats eat insects ; others may feed on the blood of animals , small mammals , fish , fruit , pollen or nectar.

Faults Are Thick Where Love Is Thin

FBI joins Flint, Michigan water investigation 

Six Of One And Half A Dozen Of The Other

My Mrs has been told she'll have to lose weight if she wants to become pregnant.I told her.

Italy, Germany share populism as common enemy in Europe: Renzi 

EU ministers demand drop in migrant flows from Turkey before March 7 summit 

The moves that one Pokémon may learn are different from another depending on the species of Pokémon ; even those that evolve from others do not necessarily learn all the same moves that their predecessors learn . Each Pokémon may only know a total of four moves at any one time.



Me:

US-Russia draft calls for Syria ceasefire to start Feb. 27

Women are reasonable! As long as we admit they're right, we don't have to agree to anything.

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

What do you call a Mexican with no car? Joaquin.

The same is true of many chitons.

British government agrees deal with Scotland over new spending powers 

Salutations. I am *glides across the floor like a damn dracula* a dracula.

Hatred Is Blind, As Well As Love

wiccan and juggalo are the same thing. they just announced it on the News

Teachers know when you are texting. I mean, are you really looking at your crotch and smiling?

Out of sight, but never out of mind.

hey dude i think i might be getting sick. could you be feel my face for me, as a friend. touch my neck. could you be a sweetheart and smell my breath for me dude

Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road. That's the word on the street anyway.

It was his first of two asteroid discoveries.

Turkey's prime minister says suspected bomber is a foreign member of Islamic State. 

What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.

I think my mate from the Greater Manchester area may be a transvestite. He has a Wigan address.

compared to her u are Nothing.

What would you get if your donkey ate the legs off my rooster? Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Each country is allowed one vote.

My wife knows

me comforting myself after an unpopular tweet: this is a niche tweet. artisanal. hand-crafted with love, and of very high quality, but understood by few. too nuanced for the masses.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm pretending you're dead.

White kimchi is a popular kimchi to make during the wintertime.

Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen

Stupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs





M: No, That's what the machines want to start their world domination!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

I don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.

who wants to go to a cafe with me and drink coffee until we both throw up?

Depression: Anger without enthusiasm

Most commercial fisheries do not want to catch Alaska plaice ; but many are caught by commercial trawlers trying to catch other bottom fish.

Barclays says board evaluating options for its African business  

Two deaths were also reported in Haiti.

There are 2 sports days every year.

My wife was gang raped by a group of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on her.

I wish my only problem in life was fighting over how many millions of dollars I make. #Lockout

Why the WHO may not survive as it is for another decade:  

My mate has a new job clearing leaves this Autumn. He reckons he's going to rake it in.







Brain: so you think you'll stay single forever or what

The tribes merged into one and took the name Xhakúm.

G/f left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge and the light came on. What the hell did she mean?

My Fleshlight is just a paper towel tube hooked to a Sonicare.


arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s

Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive

`` Thant '' was his only name.

What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.

The band adopted the name Green Day , allegedly due to their fondness of marijuana.

If Eve doomed the human population for an apple.. What would she do for a Klondike?

How do you make an archaeolgist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.

I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, 'What have you got there?' I replied 'Hummus'

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do ninjas drink? WATAH!

What animal what you like to be on a really cold day? A little Otter

In reality , the Clinton Administration didn't intervene in Rwanda , making series events look like a moral imperative.

What do you call water that bounces? Spring water. 

I feel like Doll’s Kill needs an over-30 section

U.S. rejected North Korea peace talks offer before last nuclear test







GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head? Claude!

Centrica's British Gas to cut 500 jobs to rein in costs 

Any suitable tree or large bush may be used for nesting , though an evergreen is preferred.

New Zealand's Christchurch rocked by 5.7 magnitude quake, cliffs collapse into sea 

Eastern European Time is one of the names of UTC +2 time zone , 2 hours ahead of Coordinated Universal Time.

Uber driver suspected in Michigan shootings, six dead 

Biotic sources would include insects which might bore into the tree , deer which might rub bark off the trunk , or fungi , which might attach themselves to the tree ..

Saying And Doing Are Two Things

My dad just came first in a drag race. I had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels!

For three days Juno sat fuming , still trapped in Vulcan 's chair , she couldn't sleep , she couldn't stretch , she couldn't eat.

Nearly 2,000 legal cases opened for insulting Turkey's Erdogan 

Why did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference. 

I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

A Burden Of One's Own Choice Is Not Felt

Pope to pray for migrants at Mexico-U.S. border:  





ME, 30: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency

Hao Long is a Chinese name.


Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.



Me: I should get a new tattoo







me: oh shit she bled out

Several witnesses in Shkreli case are worried about retaliation: U.S. prosecutors.  

Brunt 'ashamed' of WBA fans after hit by coin  

What's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra.

Don't Sell The Bear's Skin Before You've Caught It

The name comes from zygosporangia , where resistant spherical spores are formed during sexual reproduction.

Much of his work is recognized for its melody-like musicality.














If you are in any of these cities, please share this info  #ProtectEachOther #Protejamonos



Me, about to explain a deceptive cadence: so we're all familiar with edging, right?

However , in later serials , gold appeared to affect them rather like silver affects werewolves , with gold coins or gold-tipped bullets fired at them having the same effect.

When I was in a supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?".

Crispen also invented the first inclined stairlift.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

 Four people detained in connection with Istanbul bombing: Turkish PM

Soccer radio deals in the U.S. put spotlight on FIFA's bidding process:  

















Dad: oh sex, right

The other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.

What is a ghost's favourite ride? A roller-ghoster.



Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

In the past 20 years or so , many new anchor designs have appeared.

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

New Jersey Gov. Christie calls for state takeover of Atlantic City: reports 





-wearing headbands

Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it.

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Waited in line for hours outside the club last night whilst the doorman checked ID's. He was taking ages.

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large 

Raul Castro makes a state visit to France. Watch here:  

Polish president's jet 'disintegrated' mid-air in 2010: minister 

What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick.

I exercise constantly. I am always running late.

In 1977 , the stone was moved 127 meters to make way for the new motorway passing over the St. Gotthard Pass , at a cost of 300,000 Swiss Francs.

Balloon boy imma let you finish but Anne frank had the best attic hideout of all time.



*sips tea*

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together. It was very con-fusing.

Season Finale of Klepper this week. Forgive me for the upcoming barrage of self promotion. I just want you to be docile and ingest ALL THE CONTENT.

I wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.

UK proposes early start to capacity power market scheme in 2017 

Herr Drosselmeyer has brought to the party three life-size dolls , which each take a turn to dance.

U.S. flies F-22 fighters over South Korea after North's rocket launch 

Behind every successful woman is a man who’s going to put his hands on her lower back to “just scootch past ya”


George Harrison: 

Can we acknowledge that whoever is running the PR campaign for raccoons is absolutely killing it? Everybody loves them now

Any NATO refugee mission would go after smugglers, U.S.'s Carter says 

Told the hibachi chef to stop yolkin’ around when he cracked the eggs for the fried rice.







Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Group said trapped in cellar become focus in Turkey's Kurdish conflict  

Bolivian President Morales says result still not clear in referendum 

Oregon occupiers say they want to help local residents regain rights from federal government  

me after getting cancelled

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.

Opened a tin of meat. Soon as I opened it 20 more tins appeared... Bloody spam.







astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

Fine Feathers Make Fine Birds

Pretty excited for the year 2170, when I'll be just a head in a jar, stored inside a giant warehouse, quietly singing the harmony part to "The Boxer."

'Dear Jean-Claude' - Cameron thanks Juncker for 'creativity' in crafting Britain's EU deal:  

EU membership losing 'magic power' for candidates, says Serbia PM 

`` We don't see ourselves as a destructive force , but we are . ''

If you’re reaching out to a company’s customer service, even if you’re unhappy about something, BE NICE. Do not verbally abuse these people. Chances are they personally aren’t responsible for the issue you’re contacting them about. It’s fine to vent but take it easy.

In regular play , two defencemen complement three forwards and a goaltender on the ice.

That awkward moment when someone you hate thinks your opinion is valid.

Euro zone, IMF split over how much Greece needs to reform  

 President Obama intends to nominate successor for Scalia on Supreme Court

My wife reckoned she could sing more football terrace songs than me.  But I beat her easily. She had no chants.

What did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed? Yes but we cantaloupe. 









M: I despise you



Satan: where the hell is everyone

No guys my mum heard me making a stupid video and i sksksk 

Why was tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh! 









her: stop wearing my clothes

Only one crochet hook is needed to make crochet stitches.

Each platform constructed specifically for the Victoria Line from new is 132.6 metres long.

If you sing while playing Throwing a ball during baseball, will you have a good pitch?

I’m at the dentist with a bunch of other old guys. They’re playing Miami Sound Machine in the waiting room. One guy still has his blinker on.

It was a bizarre thing . ''

After Nevada, Sanders faces struggle to broaden appeal  

Soon afterwards the old city hall was demolished and replaced with a new one , and General Józef Zajączek financed the paving of all the city 's streets.

They shouldn't be invoked directly.

me: [from casket in back of hearse] turn signals, guy

China weapons exports surge over past five years: report 

Another hypothetical was the staging of the Haitian struggle for independence as depicted in Anatolii Vinogradov 's The Black Consul , influenced as well by John Vandercook 's Black Majesty.

Turkey's Erdogan offers to help West Africa fight terrorism 

All girls are iron man. Fe=Iron Male=Man



ME: *scribbling in notebook* any chance your mom is from Nantucket?

The Remedy Is Worse Than The Disease



Rabbi: That’s a dreidel



Freaky-ass Mormon: Oh, my man, but it is

He That Knows Nothing Doubts Nothing

How does an eskimo build his house? Igloos it.

Brexit could shrink UK's financial services industry - BlackRock:

I thought pineapple was supposed to make your cum taste better?? This tasted awful

After being signed to signed to Sony Music Japan , she recorded and released her first single , `` Brand New Day '' on June 19 , 1999 to much critical acclaim.

Obama proposes $4.1 trillion spending plan in final White House budget:  

please enjoy these heavily cropped photos of a friend of mine who works at a bat sanctuary carrying bats around in her pocket

Asia shares fall sharply amid China confusion  

Niger president Issoufou to face run-off election 

Pakistani police free Afghan ex-governor kidnapped in Islamabad 

What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.

FBI moves in on last four occupiers at Oregon wildlife refuge  

 Sources close to Martin O'Malley reporting that he will suspend his campaign tonight. 

Asia rises after cold spell lifts oil, dollar stands tall:  

 Philadelphia Phillies player Ryan Howard sues Al Jazeera America over alleged defamation: court filing

Criteriums are relatively easy to organize , do not require a large amount of space , and are good for live spectators as they allow them to see the riders pass by many times.

Today I broke my personal record of consecutive days alive!

According to Asus , the name Eee derives from `` the three Es , '' an abbreviation of its advertising slogan for the device : `` Easy to learn , Easy to work , Easy to play ''.

I never question myself. Why should I start now?

I just dropped my iPhone in the bath. It's syncing.

it should be illegal to like harry potter after the age of 18. smoke a fucking cigarette

When life gives Charlie Sheen lemons, he fucks them and gives them lemon-aids

I told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. She asked me to show the class a very advanced pose. This put me in a difficult position.

 Immigrants arrested in U.S. raids say were misled on right to counsel 

Early symptoms include headache , a thick-feeling tongue , thirst , sweating , and vomiting.

A time period is sorted according to its start , and time periods with the same starting moment are in order of descending length : a year comes before its first month ; a month comes before its first day.

The last time I wore a princess skirt out of the house I felt so cute and pretty until a seagull at the beach stole my hotdog so I was standing on the boardwalk shouting at a bird

Spain's lack of government could hurt reforms, sentiment: EU Commission:  

This kid being pushed on the swings really needs to stop yelling "harder, daddy" or I'mma have to take an adult time out in the park bathroom

Went for a job as a potato packer. Ended up getting the sack.

In Day 1 , many of the Nakúm men were sick after the hike , and had a tough time recovering.

One of the first records of `` Brunello '' was a red wine that was made in the Montalcino area in the early 14th century.

`` Nothing to Say '' was Soundgarden 's first B-side , released on the `` Hunted Down '' single.







me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes

For all the things done in its name, Love should complain more about identity theft.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

To Buy A Pig In A Poke

Gunmen seize weapons in armory raid in Burkina Faso 

The general rule involves two teams made from two up to five players each.

Now or never: Trump's 'wall' talk sparks migrant rush on U.S.-Mexico border:  

U.S. Secretary of State says confident Syria talks can proceed 

Muskrats spend much of their time in the water and are well suited for their semi-aquatic life , both in and out of water . Muskrats can swim under water for 12 to 17 minutes.

Justice Dept. sues Ferguson, Missouri, to force police reforms:  

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

China denounces 'irresponsible' U.S. official's remarks on North Korea 



Axl Rose: *whispering* You’re gonna die

What happens if a book on how to fail, sells? Is it now a success?

Without histones , the unwound DNA in chromosomes would be very long.

U.S. sanctions on Russia don't affect use of Russian rocket engines: Pentagon 

I saw a midget dressed like Hitler yesterday and I thought.. "that's a little racist".

Penny-Wise And Pound-Foolish

Like Castro , Khrushchev felt that a U.S. invasion of Cuba was imminent , and that to lose Cuba would do great harm to the communist cause , especially in Latin America.

The couple had two children , Millard Powers Fillmore and Mary Abigail Fillmore.

A mute incontinent. Goes without saying.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant

Blatter to attend appeal hearing on Feb 16:  FIFA 

Suicide attacks west of Baghdad kill eight: sources 

My girlfriend is piñata. I dont think things are gonna work out cause guys keep hitting on her.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

What goes up must come down









Dinosaur Politician: the asteroid is a hoax made up by Dinosaur China

Kindness is the key, you stupid fucking asshole.

Precisely.

Saudi says to work with oil producers to limit market volatility:  

The US military government gives its approval.







with a bacon double cheeseburger

You ever get so high that you realize weed is bad for you

I genuinely hope I haven't ruined his birthday

lI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

The Fat Is In The Fire

Some monosaccharides have a sweet taste.

The building still stands today and is.

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

Ukraine military reports highest daily death toll since November 

The slipper lobsters are their next closest relatives , and these two or three families make up the Achelata.

There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them

how has this show not been canceled yet



Cashier: That’s a button

Today , the stadium has an unbalanced look about it , with one large stand contrasting with three smaller stands.

Gas only a stopgap for UK without carbon capture - report 

my wife *lowers sunglasses* who I am btw

FTSE pulled lower by financial stocks including Hargreaves Lansdown:  

The name Weinfelden is first documented in 838.

What did the sea say to boat? Nothing it just waved.

"What's the definition of anxiety?" 
"The half of the time when you're worried about the other half of the time."

I have brain damage & the worst sense of direction. Whenever I get lost, I start talking to the prettiest girl I can find so my wife will suddenly show up to take me home

Ueno Park is also home to many homeless people.

Guy on the bus keeps looking at the toast crumbs in my hair. This is how sex starts.

The only reason why the postal service is still around is letters to Santa.

NBA commissioner: with the number 1 pick in the draft the new orleans pelicans select..one pepperoni pizza? i think i got someone's lunch order instea- [giant pepperoni pizza is already walking on stage]

Folks, @steak_umm referred to me as queen and @CornNuts followed me. I CANNOT BE STOPPED.

Viagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.

The first half of the draft was televised live on TNN for two hours , as part of WWE 's flagship program , Raw.

Norway won the most medals , the first time a country other than the USSR had done so since the USSR first entered the Winter Games in 1956.

Futons must be aired in sunlight regularly , especially if not put away during the day.

They choose to come to London , as so many have come before because they come to be free , they come to live the life they choose , they come to be able to be themselves.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes away. We have got to put an end to this!

Credit Suisse reports first full-year loss since 2008:  

Many of the words in the modern Indo-European languages seem to have derived from such `` protowords '' via regular sound changes.

Wine is an alcoholic beverage.



me: *showing him Cars 3* it's pretty bad, right?

My wife does not give a shit about the celebs

Brazilians clash after questioning of ex-President suspended 

Relationships are a lot like algebra.Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Scorpio: We’re not going to sugar-coat this, you’re going to have to fight a goose for your lunch this week.

Home to millions of species , including humans , Earth is the only place in the Universe where life is known to exist.

me: [in the pool with a t-shirt on] you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

 Saudi Arabia to halt flights, trade with Iran - minister 

After seven years the children have the right to live with the father or the mother , as they decide.

UK's Fallon says disturbed by Russian air strikes in Syria 



friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

In practice such penal colonies may be little more than slave communities.

Kitty Pryde was one of the main characters in Whedon 's run on Astonishing X-Men.

me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*

German far-right's language is close to that of Nazis, Gabriel says 

In December 2006 , she married her long time business manager and friend , Paul Truong.

Who is Julian Assange? Watch this refresher:  

some personal and exciting news: i've had enough











moderator: lol no not even close

Francis I had become a close friend.

Along with Girls Aloud 's first three studio albums , The Sound of Girls Aloud was released to the US iTunes Store on 26 June 2007.

In 1912 the company 's name was changed to The Encyclopedia Press.

It’s weird how no one knows how to dance yet everyone thinks they’re good at sex

even i have questions about this tweet

Australia announces voting reforms, signaling possible early polls  

My imaginary friends are real. They just happen to be friends with other people except me.

Siemens to buy CD-adapco for close to $1 billion: source  

save a cowboy, fuck a horse no wait I messed it up

Millions of people turned into billions of dollars - and Europe can’t control it

"Wanna take this outside?" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual.



Medusa:

James is described as one of the first disciples to join Jesus.

hoping all nursing students ace their finals so they can all graduate and shut up

To Go For Wool And Come Home Shorn

Some people have a way with words, Others not have way.

Brazil police probe possible Odebrecht bribes to Peru president  

Lionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says "Get your coat, you've pulled" she replies "Wow, you're a little forward"

A stick generally refers to a long , slender piece of wood , usually a branch from a tree without the leaves that may be refined.

When it became clear that at that rate and depth production of the encyclopedia would never come to an end , it was decided to limit its extent.

What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common? They both come in a posh box.

Suicide bomb in Afghan capital targets journalists, killing seven people:  

What do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint! 

I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

They named their new discovery Vinland.















Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

Jules is married to Jacqueline Longa , with two children.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other; "You man the guns and I'll drive"

Woman who accused Bill Clinton of assault to campaign against Hillary:  

Air raids kill scores in ISIS-dominated Syrian provinces, monitor says 

Dave was left with nothing , forcing him to take up the drums.

It was first documented in 1379.

S&P cuts Deutsche Bank's Tier 1 securities rating to B+ from BB-  

My news years resolution is to save up and buy a velcro wall..and I plan on sticking to it!

what’s a movie that’s objectively bad but u genuinely love that u will watch in its entirety every time u stumble upon it mine is the fifth element

The filling for pyrohy may be sweet and contain cottage cheese , or fruits like apple , plums or various berries.

He set major works in 1877 , one a long poem of the Maithili style pioneered by Vidyapati.

Every time I get undress in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.

Hard Rock Cafe fetes 45 years with London memorabilia exhibit 

UK Foreign Secretary calls U.N. Assange report 'ridiculous' 

However , Google continues to index the new page content under the old page name , apparently regarding the new page as a more-recent duplicate.

FTSE recovers slightly but remains near three-year lows:  

for those outside London who might be wondering, Boris Johnson was a really, really shit mayor.

There was a young Man from Peru, whose limerick stopped at line two.











me: oh no

Sometimes, I think I have my life together, and then I spill a bottle of water in my purse.

Although two newspapers reported Kelly 's last words as `` Such is life '' , another source , Kelly 's gaol warden , wrote in his diary that when Kelly was prompted to say his last words , the prisoner opened his mouth and mumbled something that he couldn't hear.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That's about $1,324 per word. "Wow" was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.


ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

Most nations in Americas have laws that can suppress journalism: report 

I was going to sue a neurosurgeon, but then he changed my mind.

"Why did the bread cross the road. Because it was yeasty!"

We could learn alot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...

My gf broke up with me, saying "You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid." I said, "But, I can change!" She said, "There you go again!"

The title , recreated specifically for Whedon , has been one of Marvel 's best-selling comics as of 2006 and was nominated for several Eisner Awards including Best Serialized Story , Best Continuing Series , Best New Series and Best Writer , winning the Best Continuing Series award in 2006.

There is a debate on the origins of Kirby 's name . One widespread view is that Kirby adopted his Western name from the Kirby Corporation , a vacuum cleaner manufacturer , which would best describe Kirby 's abilities.

Take it easy and look back over the life of Glenn Frey of the Eagles: 1948 - 2016  

chris hemsworth is so sexy

In 1888 Georges Head was chosen as the best place to observe and fire underwater mines , the latest in harbor defences.


friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

My Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame as we were only half way though giving her the bumps.

It falls between Wednesday and Friday.

Cheek Brings Success

Respect Yourself, Or No One Else Will Respect You

Fools And Madmen Speak The Truth

She decided to release further records under her full name , Billie Piper.

My driving instructor told me to wear a seatbelt or the force could throw me out of the car. I can't believe he thinks Star Wars is real.

Godzilla has a dad bod

See Persondata for the detailed documentation.

Two Virginia Tech students appear in court over the murder of a 13-year-old girl:  

I’m proud of my humility.

He had one younger sister , Kashmira.







double celled organism: mitosis :)

The only thing that matters in a movie is whether the cast is listed alphabetically or in order of appearance. It is all a build up to that reveal.

Someone threw a piece of cheese at me in the supermarket, I didn't think it was very mature.

Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!

See the prefix index for the templates latently called by this one.

assert dominance at brunch by butt chugging cold brew

Peru still unclear on whether Guzman can run for president  

How can Congress trim the fat from Federal spending? By switching to lo-cal government.

A Friend Is Never Known Till Needed



Twitter: You’re drunk. Welcome home!

Germany's Gabriel calls for fewer migrants as registrations triple on year 

Did you hear the one about the man with 5 cocks? His underpants fit like a glove.

I think I'm gonna get a cat just to blame it all the time for being a pussy.

Fed owns up to global risks in statement shift 

What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

China's yuan strengthens before annual parliament meeting  



*sips tea*

I bought a waterbed in hopes that me and my girlfriend would eventually drift away.

Greece snubs Austrian minister's request to visit Athens 

Syria opposition to meet in Riyadh, casts doubt on talks:  

Here is how these templates look.

I have a time machine. But it only goes forward at a regular speed.

How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S

Many protists take the form of single-celled flagellates.

However , stream ciphers can be susceptible to serious security problems if used incorrectly : see stream cipher attacks - in particular , the same starting state must never be used twice.



everyone saw me push that pull door and now they’ll think about it all day and laugh at me specifically

Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world's cheese? The Hallouminati!

It is well known for its wines.

In later years , Hitler viewed smoking as `` decadent '' and `` the wrath of the Red Man against the White Man , vengeance for having been given hard liquor , '' lamenting that `` so many excellent men have been lost to tobacco poisoning . ''

UK surveyors report surge in activity as investors try to beat tax rise:  



Darlene wasn’t sure just how yet, but Susan was going to pay.





Vegetable in my bum: poocumber

Firming U.S. inflation keeps Fed rate hike on the table

I never finish anyth

What's the best cheese to use if you want to lure a bear out the woods? Camembert.

Do you know when you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hi, how are you dear?
But your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?

hello

Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell so I had to knock.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic

Our ice cream man was found slumped in his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"

See also List of places within Luton.




[manager comes out] you the guy asking about a big mac mcflurry?

Older children could continue in other communist organizations , but that would typically be done only by a limited number of people.

What do you call a black man who fixes your toilet? You call him a plumber you racist!

After twenty-eight days at sea , balsam in the ship 's cargo caught fire and the crew was forced to abandon ship.

There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them

U.S., allies conduct 16 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military 

To let the Jews to participate in public life is dangerous : throw a piece of mud in a glass of the clearest water - then all the water will be puddled.

He was baptized the same day.

For example , tumbling head over heels all the way across the ring from a simple punch would be an over-sell.

I'm against public protests, but I don't know how to show it.

Let's face it, if Shakespeare were here right now... there'd be some asshole correcting his grammar.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Why are hurricanes names after women? Because at first they are wet and wild, then take your home and cars away.

it's a good thing dogs do not know they are filled with bones i feel like that would fuck up their whole vibe

I love playing that game where you knock on people's door and run away. It's called Yodel.

I was trying to fix my computer when I got a bad shock off the processor. It megaHz.

Merkel urges better protection of EU external borders 

More Americans quitting jobs as labor market strengthens 

The Pitcher Goes Often To The Well But Is Broken At Last

Kahn has produced work in various media but is best known for his work in public radio.

Geography means nothing when you find your people.

My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.

The rationals are a densely ordered set : between any two rationals , there sits another one , in fact infinitely many other ones.

The breeding program produced 76 kittens in the first three years - 42 with folded ears and 34 with straight ears.

Merkel is the first woman , the first East German and the first scientist to be chancellor as well as the youngest post-war German chancellor.

Culver was born in Washington , D.C..



Me [holding a diva cup]: I'd like to try this on

The Busiest Man Finds The Most Leisure

I just found out my girlfriend has 50,000 bees. I think she's a keeper.





the antelopes: wait, the what now?

I went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.

Navy says shots fired at Naval Medical Center San Diego 

Looking back at the Charlie Hebdo attack, one year later:  

Among men, length of marriage correlates positively with hair loss.

Here are 12 facts about the Zika virus as the outbreak spreads:  

Campaign for Brexit takes 6-point drop: YouGov poll for Times 

Today , practically all seismograms are recorded digitally to make analysis by computer easier.

When is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path? When you're a mouse.

China shares subdued as economic news disappoints  

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.







astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

My great granddad perished on the sinking of the Titanic..he had a heart attack in The movies last week.

Unpaid and angry, some Chinese workers ditch holidays to protest  

British lawmakers debate banning Trump after Muslim comments 

U.S., China agree on draft North Korea sanctions resolution at U.N.: envoys  

The inventor of autocorrect went from zero to hero in a matter of seconds.

How do you fix a massive violin? Chellotape



Me, throwing myself into the car after dropping something off quickly at my Mom's house.

However , Mayor Lacson did not live to see the realization of his dream as he died of a heart attack.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Opportunity once knocked..but you don't want to know what it left.

Tomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Egypt's Sisi says Russian plane was brought down by terrorists 



[to myself] you stupid fuckin moron

Voyager 2 also discovered auroras , like on Earth , but much more complex.

Do you agree with Apple’s decision to oppose a court order to unlock an iphone? See the poll  





Me: *sobbing* fuck you




Her: what rhymes with “divorce”

These two factors combine to make Kota Kinabalu one of the fastest growing cities in Malaysia.

Blind Men Can Judge No Colours

If You Throw Mud Enough, Some Of It Will Stick

Males have one Y chromosome and one X chromosome , while females have two X chromosomes.

I'm only gay because I left my Facebook open in high school and someone made my status "I like dicks" and I was too polite to correct them.

I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Water leaving the wheel or turbine is drained through a tail race , but this channel may also be the head race of yet another wheel , turbine or mill.

Quolls live both in forests and in open valley land.

My crazy mate just jumped into a river in Paris. He's in Seine.

me and this vending machine are very similar in the fact we both are basically empty inside, and what is there, is honestly pretty mediocre

My wife has a contract to give lectures. It's called a marriage license.

The main plot follows two terminally ill men on their road trip with a wish list of things to do before they `` kick the bucket . ''

How do you make a dead baby float? Add 2 scoops of ice cream. 

House seen passing North Korea sanctions bill Friday  





Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself

Pena was completely blind by the time he was 20.

During the first election campaign in 1855 , one candidate , Daniel Cameron , rode a horse shod with solid gold horseshoes.

In fact , 99 % of a tree 's mass comes from the air.

Great Spenders Are Bad Lenders





ME: [trying to impress] I'm homeless.

In reality , Longfellow 's life was much more difficult than was assumed.

The text '' '' will generate a tag which looks something like the one below.

Since then he has subsequently appeared in many other films including My Best Friend 's Wedding , An Ideal Husband , The Next Best Thing and the Shrek sequels.

What have women and a building society account got in common? Once you withdraw you loose interest.

I can't put into words how much I love my wife. I'm illiterate!

Hezbollah sees new struggle in Lebanon, denounces Saudi Arabia  

Syrian opposition says peace talks date remains 'hypothetical': Arabiya al-Hadath TV 

Scarbury 's first single , `` She Never Smiles Anymore , '' flopped , and he was soon without a record label.

It was the last great work of Lange before he died , and his most famous book today.

every fetus I’ve heard of knows the cure to cancer and yet when the baby arrives it doesn’t know shit smh someone lying

I struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier.. It was an Evian.

Ten Afghan police shot dead in insider attack-official 

100 people worked 16 hours a day to construct the set for the event.

the film industry for women, queers, and people of colour:

Nobel Peace Prize, I'd kill for one of those!

This guy didn't just come to play.

10 reasons I’m lazy:
1)

Old Brownsboro Place is a city in Jefferson County , Kentucky , United States.

Deeds, Not Words

`` All We Know '' is the third and final single from Paramore 's first studio album All We Know Is Falling.

In the Tokugawa era , every neighborhood had one or two soba establishments , many also serving sake , which functioned much like modern cafes where locals would casually drop by for an informal bite to eat.

Israel confirms it plans to seize West Bank land 

Message to my haters: I share your concerns

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers.







me:  *starts undressing*

Sorry the hiatus folks.  We took a 2 month vacation to be serious.  We're back in full swing though.

Photosynthesis occurs in two stages.

Nigeria to train thousands of unemployed Delta youths 









Fisherman = Fisherfighter

Greek navy helicopter crashes in Aegean, killing three 

Trump says it's "disgraceful" for the pope to question his faith

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!" I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.

The first Harry Potter book was called The Philosopher's Stone in Britain and The Sorcerer's Stone in America. The two versions are known collectively as The Rowling Stones.

`` A Moment Like This '' was its first single , followed by `` Miss Independent '' , `` Low '' , and `` The Trouble with Love Is ''.

Lost Time Is Never Found Again

Hurricane Bill became the first hurricane and first major hurricane of the season.

My best friend ran off to become a mime, I haven't heard from him since.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

Support for early IMSAI systems continues to this day.

Huxley had little formal schooling and taught himself almost everything he knew.

Glenn Frey, founding member of rock band the Eagles, dead at 67 

happy birthday to all dads

Two RAF Typhoon fighters scrambled to intercept two Russian bombers heading towards British airspace – Ministry of Defence

In the last two decades of his life , he often received requests for autographs from strangers , which he always sent.

Time Warner Cable says up to 320,000 customers' data may have been stolen:  

The Devil Rebuking Sin

A thing to ponder: if the Pope uses the restroom, is it a holy crap?

Brian 's first solo album , Welcome Home was released on May 2 , 2006 , which like the Backstreet Boys projects , is a Sony BMG release.

You guys ever attempt to convey an idea using a series of distinct conceptual units of language?

ACE is , broadly speaking , a measure of the power of the hurricane multiplied by the length of time it existed , so storms that last a long time , as well as particularly strong hurricanes , have high ACEs.

Our Editor's Choice photos of the day from around the world:  

Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!

With eye on Downing Street, Boris bets all on Brexit  

EU's real brake isn't Britain but Franco-German impasse 

When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "Mosquito!!"

 Families affected by ZikaVirus in Brazil.  

I should have known better.

I told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

Best pickup line ever:
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Mrs says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they!

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

Fire is also a problem.

For example , one might take all true statements about the natural numbers to be axioms.

Had to put down my pal today, I just wanna share some pics so you guys can love him also

U.S. says open to patrols with Philippines in waters disputed with China 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON AS A POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: does he look like a bitch

I'm writing a joke about a guy's first day at FedEx but I just can't get the delivery right.

Approximately 1,100 of his poems remain today.

The months in the first half of the year all have 31 days , to take into account the slower movement of the sun across the ecliptic at this time.

Clinton won't release transcripts of paid speeches until other candidates do

Yo Mama is so fat that when she died and was cremated, her ash caused the cancellation of flights across Europe.

How are an Arkansas Tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Iranians vote in contest likely to shape post-sanctions era  

The Lyside Sulphur may be found in open , subtropical scrubs.

Simon calls into the group and explains that he has planted a bomb in one of New York 's public schools , and that any radio communication may set it off.



Western students:







-alright

Zayn scores fastest-selling single of 2016 with solo release 

Grandpa Never Lies is a children 's book written by Ralph Fletcher and illustrated by Harvey Stevenson.

The Rotten Apple Injures Its Neighbours

Over 6,800 Torres Strait Islanders live on the Islands and 42,000 live on the mainland.






SON: dad why is my name Brad Shotgun?

For the first time , the players would be bidding for items as tribes.

What's the best thing for a hangover? Drink loads the night before.

Asian shares consolidate, oil swings higher  

Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.









Mickey: you heard me

A d&d game where the player characters are the golden girls

 Billionaire green activist Steyer says not ready to back Clinton, open to Sanders  

Saw a raggedly dressed boy in the street and asked if he was an orphan. "what gave me away?" He asked, I said, "your parents"

My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.

standing around the CVS exit comparing receipt lengths like real men

I love arguing this with British people. I tell them, as a fluent Irish speaker, that the language is called Irish... And then they tell me I’m wrong. So sweet of them.

Calls for more assistance for migrants and refugees:  

The Louisiana National Guard delivered three truckloads of water and seven truckloads of MRE 's to the Superdome , enough to supply 15,000 people for three days.

If you think the page should be deleted , see this page for instructions.



me: [waits for her to sit down] i'm sure grandpa would have loved that eulogy, grandma

Trump releases first TV ad in 2016 Republican presidential race 

Big TV dinners=big TVs

They are born without quills , which develop in the following days . The quills are easily visible within hours of birth.

These templates work similarly to and , but they don't make the template name into a link.





Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Because you’re a pedophile?

In 1973 , one of Bundy 's friends saw a pair of handcuffs in the back of Bundy 's Volkswagen.

I like to get around town in a giant hamster ball. It's just how I roll.

My dog went to the flea circusand stole the show.

I have very low expectations; so just know if you disappoint me, you've really fucked some shit up.

Kinder Morgan swings to loss on $1.15 billion charge  

This day is pregnant with possibilities, but I just found out they're not mine.

People keep telling me I've got a good head on my shoulders..I wish they'd stop pointing out that I haven't got a neck.

What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Major 8.2 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia: USGS. 

If You Agree To Carry The Calf, They'll Make You Carry The Cow





Your move itches

Many embraced Jacobitism because they believed parliamentary interference with monarchical succession to be illegitimate , and many Catholics hoped the Stuarts would end discriminatory laws.

One Man's Meat Is Another Man's Poison

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

There seems to be some misunderstanding about what a writers room is. They are, most often, a group of several writers put together to feed a sketch or ents show. This initiative is just ensuring this hiring is more gender equal. It’s a good thing. Also @bronactitley rocks!

we just gonna let toby keith get away with having two first names or what

One man agrees but he is tricked when he is introduced to the real boxer , a towering brute of a man.

When someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

North Korea says South's pulling out of industrial zone is a 'declaration of war':  

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Disguise. Disguise who? Disguise d' limit !

Aviation giants tread carefully in test case for post-sanctions Iran 

It's good for a man to have a woman that cleans, cooks, and makes you laugh. It's also good If these women do not know each other.

Following this new Bieber logic I have to fight someone 31 years older than me. So Stevie Nicks, anytime you wanna go...I’m prepared to get my ass kicked.

I had a guy message me saying, " you, are stunning" I replied, "yes, and straight too."

When MW3 was released in Iraq, they called it Sims.

Iran signals lawyer yet to be appointed for detained Iranian-American  

What do terrorists do on vacation? They go waterboarding.

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.

Zeus appears and tells Hercules that he will only make things worse between him and Hera.

European Parliament calls for release of Hong Kong booksellers  





My dog:

Doctors warn of demand for 'vaginal seeding' despite thin evidence 

You hear a familiar melody in the air but you don't quite catch it, and then it hits you. A xylophone hits you. The marimba you just threw was trying to warn you by playing a song your father used to sing, "Never Forget You Are Juggling When It's Idiophones."

U.S. planned major cyber attack on Iran if diplomacy failed: NYT 

All of the leaders go to a counsel to discuss the feud with the Britons.



HR: Fine. You can’t have a Glen from Accounting voodoo action figure impaled outside your cubicle.

Vivendi in talks with beIN Sports, bids for Gameloft  

`` Friend Like That '' is the first single from Hawk Nelson 's third album , Hawk Nelson Is My Friend.

I have brain damage & the worst sense of direction. Whenever I get lost, I start talking to the prettiest girl I can find so my wife will suddenly show up to take me home

Yo Momma is so stupid she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2

Trump's profanity may be fodder for rivals at Republican debate 

I wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.

Wife said "if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter" So I'm off to Norwich...

Let’s face it, we’ve all lied or cheated or held a bank manager hostage. It doesn’t make us ‘bad people.’

It’s time to take it all and never give it back.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

My girlfriend just told me she's really randy.. Devastated to find out she's actually a bloke.

Syrian opposition awaits U.N. response before decision to attend talks 

Nundle is a village in the New England region of New South Wales , Australia.

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.

She tells him to go and the next day her and Iolaus set off for Alturia.

Like a test tube , a cuvette may be open to the atmosphere on top or have a cap to seal it shut.

Saudi warns U.N., aid workers to leave rebel-held areas in Yemen 

Indian villages ban single women from owning 'distracting' mobile phones 



Friend: That's a box of wine.

In this respect tritheism differs from dualism , which typically envisages two opposed Divine powers in conflict with one another.

It sold less than half as many copies as Blood Sugar Sex Magik and received much less critical acclaim.

in case the glamorous box wasn’t enough it’s also a TV SCREEN

How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

Myanmar's outgoing president cancels visit to U.S.-ASEAN summit next week 

How did the burger wear it's hair? In a bun.

I think men who have a pierced ear are more prepared for marriage. They've already bought jewelry and have experienced pain.

Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing. I've always been whisk taker.

Located in one of the holiest sites in the old city of Damascus , it is of great architectural importance.

Ertl and his wife Barbara have two children and several grandchildren.

Just As The Twig Is Bent, The Tree Is Inclined

He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.

But an insulting letter from Lord Orville soon opens her eyes.

As your doctor I can assure you that this medication will minimize your survivor's guilt over being the only member of the death by meteors cult who was hit by a placeboid and I'll even prescribe it in delicious gummy form so you'll want to take it despite your trust issues

Fire safety standards are consistent with the strict guidelines of the US National Fire Protection Association.

Gun attack on Education Department in Saudi Arabia killed six employees

The monster-in-chief never stopped separating families. @RAICESTEXAS is on the front lines.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.

Drug lord Guzman faces extradition to U.S. after lapses lead to capture 

Learn To Creep Before You Leap

shartboy and lavatory girl

Timothy returns as well.

Man pulled out alive after Taiwan quake, more than 130 people still trapped  

















Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

My mentions would suggest that today is a WONDERFUL day to re-share this sketch I co-wrote with @TonyCooked #StillPushingThatVagenda

Support for Merkel rises, but doubts over refugee policy remain 

to this day, the boys at that used to bully me and take my lunch money still does. on the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

If steroids are illegal for athletes, Photoshop should be for models.

What's the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

please stop criticizing the dem leadership for spinelessly shrugging off impeachment, they are engaging in complex political calculus that we couldn't possibly understand

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.

Many mosques today will put the women behind a barrier or partition or in another room against most Islamic beliefs.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Money can't buy happiness, but I'd much rather cry in a mansion.

Yo mama is so fat on the sixth day god created her.

Like most seabirds , albatrosses are K-selected with regard to their life history , meaning they live much longer than other birds , they delay breeding for longer , and invest more effort into fewer young.

What's pink and invisible? This grapefruit.

Kayes Region is one of eight first level national subdivisions , called Regions in Mali.

By default time periods are sorted according to their end date.

Myanmar presidential vote set for March 17 as transition talks drag on  

One end of this type of wormhole is a black hole , drawing in matter , and the other is a white hole , emitting matter.

 Insurance broker Acrisure explores $2 billion sale - sources 

The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.

Something impossible is just something that no one has done yet.

Why don't snakes have balls? Because they're terrible dancers.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!

Kroger in bid to acquire Fresh Market - sources  

A Sound Mind In A Sound Body

Shout out to my boy Brian for saving 18 lives yesterday. Saved 2 cats from a tree.

me, getting tempted into a kiss but then remembering we’re not married and i just did a sin

lmao Bill Maher went on a rant about how "SJWs" keep demanding apologies like over Biden's recent remarks praising segregationists, but then immediately afterwards he demands the same of AOC for her use of "concentration camps". Watch how he responds when he's called out on it:

Bakeries in Retie are very good.

Brazil enlists army, cabinet in campaign against Zika  

Asia stocks hit four-year trough as oil spirals lower  














Pisces: paralysis

The club has only ever played one home fixture at another venue.

The first fossils of modern cockroaches with internal ovipositors appear in the early Cretaceous.

Breaking News: A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station. 23 People arrested in Total.

It is best known for its spectacular skill at hunting birds , able to snatch a bird in flight , sometimes more than one at a time.



Professor: That's him, officers

What happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off. 

Your mommas so fat, she uses Google++++

What did the Mexican say when he was upset? I don't want to taco bout it because it's nacho business. 

Protestors blockade Australian hospital treating infant asylum seeker 

He come to beat ya.



WENDY'S CASHIER: shut the fuck up no it doesnt. I'm sick of you Twitter weirdos coming in here saying weird shit I dont get paid enough for this you didnt even order. get the hell out.

It was here that he spent the last three years of his life , accompanied by his friend and apprentice , Count Francesco Melzi , supported by a pension totalling 10,000 scudi.

What do Rhinoceroses have that no other animal on earth has? Baby Rhinoceroses.

When I was a chestburster, I spoke and thought as a chestburster; but when I became a xenomorph, I put away chestburster things.

Press releases have stated `` it would allow digitally literate children the access to characters and resources they had come to expect.

Most of the words are the most frequently learned , most commonly used English words.

One protester shot dead and eight arrested at Oregon occupation

It was also the first ever episode to use the signature title sequence , as well as the first regular episode.

Americans missing in Baghdad kidnapped by Iran-backed militia: U.S., Iraqi sources 

Fine Words Butter No Parsnips

his little mouth rt if u agree

Paulson slashed bullish gold bets before prices rocketed  

Apple CEO opposes court order to help FBI unlock iPhone 

Like the Nile , the Niger floods yearly ; this begins in September , peaks in November , and finishes by May.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Pakistan lodges case against alleged perpetrators of India air base attack 

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.

This Feria is dedicated to sherry wine and 180,000 half bottles are drunk in 4 days.

Fog collectors net scarce water in Kenya, but face a cloudy future 

Anyone know how long it takes this Axe body spray to get you swarms of girls? I've been drinking this stuff for weeks now.










                         a. Teeth

The door which leads to the counter has two knobs , one on the right and one on the left.

Turkey's Kurdish conflict impacting Syria, migrant crises: Demirtas 

I can jump higher than the average house. Because the average house can't jump.

Indiana 's work often consists of bold , simple , iconic images , especially numbers and short words like EAT , HUG , and , his best known example , LOVE.

What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? "Eiffel."

Hong Kong riot police clash with protesters amid crackdown on street vendors  

Uganda's Besigye says may dispute election result with street protests 

Just bought a 12-ounce pound cake. How does That work?!

- What's the difference between chicken and meat?  If you beat your chicken it  would die

Blast in Istanbul tourist district kills at least 10 people:  

Not to sound too much like a dad but most of the NBA travels so much they could have a layover in Detroit and the ref still wouldn’t call it.

Ever decide to run a red light but the guy in front of you chickens out?

What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

River 's father abandoned his wife and son when the son is three years old , he goes out to get a pizza and does not come back.

A Shy Cat Makes A Proud Mouse

Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.

After attack, president says Kenya to remain in Somalia peace force 

If none of the clients are on the network the server returns an empty list.

China seeks to manage economic reform expectations at G20  

And I’ve got one boob in my pocket, and the other one’s giving a peace sign

Crushed red peppers are often not crushed and have simply lost the will to live.

NIESR estimates GDP growth slowed to 0.4 percent in January 

The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Ricotta is an Italian sheep milk or cow milk whey cheese.

My ex girlfriend was a girl called Anna Sthetic. She was a right knockout.

High school taught me skills that I still use today like how to climb to the ceiling on a fucking rope

Silence may not be golden as India's Modi lays low during unrest 

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. because nobody likes a smart-ass.

At first , the dog is extremely disobedient , but , at the last minute , passes the test.

Before memes we would have to hang a Ziggy cartoon in the break room and leave it there for 8 years.

Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.





M: No, That's what the machines want to start their world domination!

 Republican Presidential candidate Rand Paul suspends campaign for 2016 nomination - CNN



what scares me is that she didn’t care

A dwarf got pick-pocketed the other day. How could they stoop so low?

Syrian opposition says temporary truce possible, but deal seems far off  

Why did the blind fly starve to death? Because he couldn't see shit.

FBI sets up checkpoints around Oregon refuge after confrontation turns deadly 

UK deal done, Merkel resets sights on EU migrant plan with Turkey 

Thai junta pressures Facebook, Line to censor online posts 

Saludos Amigos was popular enough that Walt Disney decided to make another film about Latin America , The Three Caballeros , to be produced two years later.

I was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Women's FA Cup Final on? I've already checked cooking and comedy...

U.S. says has no reason to doubt North Korea army chief executed 

StanChart's landmark bid to claw back bonuses faces legal quagmire  

Opal was the first O name to be retired.







me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. Lifeguard shouted so loud, I almost fell in...

By May 1865 , Ben Hall had decided to escape from New South Wales.

Abigail was born in Stillwater , New York , 1798 , in Saratoga County , New York.

How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.

I told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said "Me how?"

Thus one trial may work to dissuade a bird from several species of butterfly which all fly the same ` flag '.

Lost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.

Did you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet! But most only have 4.

Rachel becomes the new Oracle and spouts another Great Prophecy.

People! People, people, people! I ain't talking about Jaws. Jaws is a masterpiece. I thought the whole world was in agreement about that... or is this another thing tearing this country apart?






- die

Love that Roy Moore is forcing himself on people who don't want him there, shows a real consistency

I will never be as passionate about anything as 70’s film foley artists were about very clacky footsteps.





Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

What do you call a pig with three eyes. Piiig.

Especially in cold places! When I’m in someplace like Chicago or Toronto and there’s no hook I’m like WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU PUT YOUR COATS

Other examples of words like these are shown in the table.

A person who was born on February 29 may be called a `` leapling ''.

We shot this video on Monday.

kangaroos are wild. Imagine if a horse just started walking about on its back legs all day. it has a pocket! then it starts boxing

Flight CH002. Charlie just walks/runs/swims normally , and then this weekend- majestic flight over ice TWICE

What do hippies do if the trees hug back?

Just sitting here pondering the sacred mystery of my frozen meal - an enigmatic substance that is 100% sodium and also not salty enough

Kremlin critic Mikhail Kasyanov says life threatened in Moscow incident 

Brazil confirms Zika infection from a blood transfusion:  

The rise in land prices has led to development of new condominiums.

What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.

Later , Rice-Oxley would give Chaplin after-school piano lessons.

All I could remember is that we messed up the end of Bogus Journey in the script, and that at one point we had something better, though I forgot what it was. Here is the great @winter explaining to me what I'd forgotten.

Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

How does a politician sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

Goolwa was Australia 's first inland port.

Start times on holidays may vary.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face



Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Broken Quiz Machine For Sale: No questions asked.

Winning $1.6 billion Powerball tickets sold in three states: lottery officials  







her: why don’t we?

The next prime is three.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.

Born in Leicester , he started to learn the piano around the age of six.

Washington has been awarded three Golden Globe awards and two Academy Awards for his work . He is notable as the second African American man to win the Academy Award for Best Actor , which he received for his role in the 2001 film Training Day.

U.S. to withhold some Clinton emails with top secret information 

Looking forward to the day when my to-do list becomes my ta-da! list.

You think I'm funny now? Just wait until I'm day drinking at your bridal shower.

What do you call an obese Arab? Yafat Fuqa.

Germany says credibility of Minsk peace deal for eastern Ukraine at stake 

Frozen sculptures are okay..Icy pose.







me: no, my pants are inside out

It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.

also did I mention they're FLOWY

Some sources incorrectly give his name as Olin Jenck Eggen.

It's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.

Ranks of U.S. centenarians growing rapidly: report 









My face is red from holding back tears

Why do bulimics like KFC? It comes with a free bucket.

Alex Rocco makes his first of three guest appearances as Roger Meyers , Jr.

It is also the digital radio home for Test Match Special , which provides full commentary without the shipping forecast included on the Radio 4 long wave coverage.



Me: We all have this tiny memory of being safe, warm, and cared for, before we are violently expelled into the world. We spend our lives trying to find that again, because our first feeling after being born, must be utter terror.

Very little is known of his life , but he is assumed to have been born and died in Middelburg.

"Do you like to swim?" I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

During a lecture on India, the teacher said a woman gives birth every 10 seconds in the country. A kid stood up and said, we gotta stop her!

The main idea is that this category should cover enough main topics so that every single article would fit into at least one of the topics shown here.

I don't know why people want white iPhones... Everyone knows blacks run faster than whites.

WE ADOPTED A DOG Y'ALL  This is Daisy. Her last owners were keeping her in a crate in their garage day and night "because of allergies" with no one to pet or play with her. It was heartbreaking. She is the most darling, sweet pup and I'm so, so thankful 

Closing borders to Balkans would cause major crisis in Greece: minister 

Some Taliban factions consider joining peace process, others opposed 

Boy, I’m gonna give you a hand job so dry, it will sound like two pieces of styrofoam rubbing together.










Wife: While you’re up....

Why President Obama’s $30 stake in the gun industry matters.

Robert Kubica is the first Polish racing driver to compete in Formula One.

South Korea president vows more action on North Korea after rocket launch  

Many mud volcanoes exist on the shores of the Black Sea and Caspian Sea.

I'm going to take that as a compliment because I wasn't really listening.

Netflix swept up in market rout despite strong subscriber signups 

Much of the crew 's work consists of cargo runs or smuggling.

All Is Fish That Comes To His Net

The plant species are spread by birds.

The old synagogue was a former church.

Little Knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing

Voyager 2 discovered an anticyclone called the Great Dark Spot , similar to Jupiter 's Great Red Spot and Little Red Spot.

I'm on a diet where I eat everything and hope for a miracle.

U.N. expects breaches of Syria truce, urges restrained response  

If the new page name is occupied by a redirect that has only one edit in its history and targeted to the old page name , it is replaced by the page being moved.

Two inmates escaped from prison, one is 6'9 the other is 3'4. Police are hunting high and low.

Like Mother , Mother 3 has only a loose connection to EarthBound , starring new characters , though it does include several returning characters . A collection of Mother and EarthBound was released in Japan under the title Mother 1 + 2.

This company was well known for its sandal and flip flop selection.

Sled dogs , known also as sleightman dogs , sledge dogs , or sleddogs are types of dogs that are used to pull a wheel-less vehicle on runners over snow or ice , by means of harnesses and lines.

Similar to other summer-themed events , Independence Day celebrations often take place outdoors.

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.

I'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat. 

If you use the words summer and winter as verbs, you get the 70% marginal tax rate.

To Wash One's Dirty Linen In Public

U.S.-led air strikes have helped force ISIS to halve fighters' pay: senior U.S official.  

Often they are ordinary New Latin words , but they may also come from Ancient Greek , from a place , from a person , a name from the local language etc..

you ever think about how stupid it is to be working while we're accelerating toward a mass extinction event? doesn't it feel like we should be doing something...else?

A trading post is a place or establishment where the trading of goods takes place.

Man sought by Israel dies at Palestinian mission in Bulgaria 

What's gray, full of cement, and howls at the moon? A coyote (I just added the cement to make it harder).

Central European Time , used in most European and some North African countries , is one of the names of the time zone that is 1 hour ahead of Coordinated Universal Time , with a time offset of UTC +1.

HSBC effectively scraps pay rise for managers at UK retail bank - source  

Umberto Eco, Italian author of 'The Name of the Rose,' dies at 84  

No Sweet Without (Some) Sweat

Two has many properties in mathematics.

I. The Captain is to have two full Shares ; the Master is to have one Share and one Half ; The Doctor , Mate , Gunner and Boatswain , one Share and one Quarter.

Raisin bread is a bread that contains raisins.

The new stadium took its name from the street , which encloses the ground on three sides , the fourth being the river.





satan: where did you even find denim underwear

This is the material that stains one 's skin when handling KMnO4.

Some scholars speculate that several copies of the Rosetta Stone must exist , as yet undiscovered , since this proclamation must have been made at many temples.

My new years resolution is not to procrastinate.....oh, shoot!

i don’t know why the nurse always tells me my blood pressure as if I understand it i’m not a doctor i don’t know what “260/40” or “hypertensive crisis” means

Today my dog 'Minton' swallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton!!!

Cleopas is one of the two disciples to whom the risen Lord appeared at Emmaus.

Some parents believe that spanking a child is an important part of rearing a child.

Insight - Slumbering Pakistani steel giant shows why state sell-offs are stalled  

A Good Beginning Is Half The Battle

Many species are critically endangered.

Sebastiano Nela , is an Italian ex-footballer who played as a full back.



adam:[scared] please hurry eve the other humans will be here soon

I never wound up seeing that movie with the giant shark and I think that's okay.

Why did the little girls ice cream melt? She was on fire.

Real or Barcelona? Venezuela president's economy speech seen as own goal 


Hulk: HULK ANGRY EITHER WAY

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for a decade straight.

A referee walked into a bar. I thought it's all gonna kick off now.

This work was highly valued by many of Dee 's contemporaries , but the loss of the secret oral tradition of Dee 's milieu makes the work difficult to interpret today.

Two Tickets to Paradise? Yeah, right. More like 10% off an Uber ride to Hoboken.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

I was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car

BTS is a limited company wholly owned by Blackpool Borough Council , which makes it one of the few remaining municipal bus companies in the UK today.

Why do women hold a grudge against you for many years if you call them fat? Because elephants never forget.

A local movie theater was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.









ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

 You can't always get what you want but if you’re making bread you just may find, you get what you knead.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...

Why did the Aggie spend all night in front of the house of ill repute? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

Islamic State video claims to show Paris attackers 

Residents not part of the religious communities are required to live in the peninsula 's capital , Karyes . Most workers live at the place where they work.

The cause of death was heart attack.

I think the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is the fact a Ginger had two friends.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

Going to church doesn't make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

So what happens if Big bird gets bankrupt and has a foreclosure? I mean.. He already lives on the street..

What's a woman and KFC got in common? Once you've finished with the breast and thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

Pureland origami is origami with the restriction that only one fold may be done at a time , more complex folds like reverse folds are not allowed , and all folds have straightforward locations.

Britain to take in unaccompanied refugee children from conflict areas 

Watch President Obama's last State of the Union address at Reuters Live





Toy Story 5: We're gonna kill Woody in this one if that's what it takes to get you to enter the adult world

9/11 Jokes are just plane wrong, and Nazi jokes aren't funny, Ann frankly I am quite offended by them.

 Image captures first look at Islamic State Jakarta gunman.  

Three singles were released from the album : `` Straight from the Heart '' , `` Cuts Like a Knife '' and `` This Time '' ; the three were responsible for launching Adams into mainstream popularity.

helloooo

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

She was born in Indianapolis , Indiana.

Lloyds Bank to pay out $86 million in UK December flood claims 

Me: "How do you spell HIV?" 
Friend:"H.I.V" 
Me: "Are you positive?" 
Friend:"Yes... Wait no... Damn!"

"We'll get through this storm": NJ Governor Christie  

When Wine Is In Wit Is Out

So I'm at Golden Gate bridge and everyone is telling me to jump, I'm only out for a jog!

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Opportunity Makes The Thief

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar?

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

You can mock me all you want, crow, but you are also eating lunch at this park with no friends. Oh, wait, there's your friend.

Hundreds of millions of Islamic State funds destroyed in air strikes: U.S. 

Australia to ask China if others will get access to reclaimed South China Sea islands 

I’m down to zero toxic relationships in my life and it’s like whooooaaa.

Buddhist monks scuffle with troops in Thailand over leadership protest 

As a tall person I cannot offer to reach something on a high shelf for a stranger, yet if they ask me I must oblige. This is the law of the giants

We have mastered particle physics, we can build a supercomputer that fits in your hand, but every time I squeeze a bottle of mustard it farts water all over my bread wtf science

Follow The River And You'll Get To The Sea

Netanyahu rejects French ultimatum on Palestinian statehood 

Money isnt happiness. Spending it is!

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

I just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It's OK though, it wasn't my relationship.

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.

I don't know why I bought this new coconut shampoo. I haven't even got any coconuts.

ThereS only one problem with my mid life crisis. I'm 16.

















Dad: oh sex, right

Born in New York City , New York , he worked for The Walt Disney Company as a character designer and story artist beginning in 1933 on the Mickey Mouse short , `` Mickey 's Gala Premiere ''.

Relax, everyone, all we did is tell Iran we had bone spurs. They totally got it. We’re good.

What did the little Iraqi girl tell her father after he bought her a new backpack? Thanks for the Baghdad.

this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles



Check for balls near your vag

What do you call a singing laptop? Adele.

World Islamic body backs Saudi stance in Iran spat 

Turkey's Erdogan chastises U.S. over support for Syrian Kurds 

This woman definitely bore two children , Dante 's brother Francesco and sister Tana.

teens with good skin have way too much power

After colliding with Robinson at first base on one occasion , Greenberg whispered a few words into Robinson 's ear , which Robinson later characterized as `` words of encouragement . ''

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

Both describe God as the One Divine Person , Jesus Christ , who has a Divine Soul of Love , Divine Mind of Truth , and Divine Body of Activity.

Sean Connery found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice Scalia dead: Texas governor 

I wasn't stealing, officer, in just wasn't shopping traditionally.

Turkey vows 'harsh reaction' as missiles hit Syrian town:  

Mammals during pregnancy can have one or more gestations at the same time.

Key U.S. lawmaker suggests openness to encryption legislation after Apple order 

EU Parliament's approval of UK deal not guaranteed - head:  

doctors won't tell you this but reattaching a limb isn't that hard what's hard is getting it to stay after it's had a taste of freedom

Kinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.

He mentions three by name : Morpheus , Icelos or Phobetor , and Phantasos.

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.

At least one killed in more violence in Burundi 

These new words are first published in `` HolQeD '' , and then at the KLI 's website.

if we elect a gay male president, his partner is not a first lady.  stop projecting your male/female relationship dynamics on to gay men.  its homophobic.  there is no "woman" in the relationship.  that's kind of the point.  its men attracted to men.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Experience Keeps No School, She Teaches Her Pupils Singly

A poor surgeon hurts 1 person at a time. A poor teacher hurts 130.

New bin Laden documents reveal al Qaeda's worries:  

PKK rocket attack kills Turkish police officer in southeast: sources 

They could process more water by spinning faster and could harness much greater heads ..

Set A Beggar On Horseback And He'll Ride To The Devil

France's Le Pen raises pressure on daughter, hints at rival bid:  

In Japan , Daikokuten , literally , god of great Darkness or Blackness , is one of the Seven Gods of Fortune.

So sick of my best mate laughing at my virginity.. After joking about it for the 100th time..I finally lost it with him!

The problem with political jokes is they always get elected.

The corresponding word in Greek is , meaning `` a set of three '' or `` the number three ''.

However , once new owners V2001 had taken care of the financing , work was finally begun on finishing the second half of the stand.

They gave the new element the name brevium ; the name was changed to protoactinium in 1918 when two groups of scientists independently discovered Pa-231.

Brion was born in Glen Ridge , New Jersey.

I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies just for shits and giggles

The Cat Would Eat Fish And Would Not Wet Her Paws

She said without love , lust is like hunger of a caterpillar.

Please take a look at the welcome page to learn more about contributing to our encyclopedia.

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

My advice to men; marry someone who looks sexy disappointed.

I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.





me: that’s too many

What do u call a cold burrito? A brrrrrrrito





They are all connected

Porcupines come in various shades of brown , gray , and the unusual white.

Trump, Cruz tensions may provide liveliest Republican debate yet 

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

#instagram : Made for people who don't want to beg for friends on Facebook.

More than 3,100 pregnant women in Colombia have Zika virus: government 

Divide And Rule

It would appear to have been this very collection that found its way to Cumae and from Cumae to Rome.

Last week I bought a fridge magnet. They really work. So far I've got 11 fridges.

I said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'

While walking through the woods , they reminisce that it has been a long time since they last saw each other.

We 've spread our prayer hide all over this place We saw our dearest one to Holy God in grace One day , all of us will come into the earth 's embrace We 'll putrefy , my fair one , we 'll putrefy.

In Romanian traditions , mistletoe is considered a source of good fortune.

U.S. student confesses to "severe crimes" in North Korea. More:  

Extremely French and Incredibly Toast

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out “Mr. Bean”

Winds sweeping across the ocean have a tendency to drive things to shore , much like driftwood collecting on the beach.

Paddy says "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?". Mick says "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat".

Went to the barbers today and had a no. 2. I thought it was just a fart but I ended up following through.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

The More The Merrier

"Plastering for Beginners" By Phil Mcraken

I didn't do too well in the pub quiz the other night..I know nothing about pubs.

When the twitter sex dads all get together and tweet about mowing and diarrhea, it gets me so hot.

BSELP001 - Driving Insane A. Black Sun Empire - Arrakis B. Black Sun Empire - Don't You C. Black Sun Empire - Breach D. Black Sun Empire - B Negative E. Black Sun Empire - Driving Insane F. Black Sun Empire - The Rat G. Black Sun Empire - Stasis H. Black Sun Empire & Stu - Swipe

Declaring de-radicalisation success, China reduces 11 sentences 

My high school English teacher is on facebook now so I blocked her. I don't even know why she's on their

Measure Thrice And Cut Once

Sanders talks tough about Wall Street and the Fed:  

It took place on March 31 , 1985 at Madison Square Garden in New York , New York.

Polls paint mixed picture for Irish PM ahead of election 

To whoever invented the zero..Thanks for nothing.

Algerian lawmakers pass reforms boosting parliament powers 

I depended on this film as a youth. I love it so much.

To see a real time example , see.

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

Another formulation of this idea came later : `` Organisms which never leave their ancient area of distribution will never change ''.



stay vigilant.

Israel plans to seize West Bank farmland: Army Radio 

It was named in March 2005 after Mneme , one of the three original Muses.

I've just seen the new Batman trailer. I prefer the Batmobile.















SON: Mom, dad, this is Susan. She's a crocodile and we're in love.

Dangerous cold grips northeast U.S., could break Valentine's Day records 

And the fourth is the type of man , who needs light , that so there may be God , the Word , wisdom , man . ''

See Duke of Cornwall for more details.



Me, who dislikes myself: ok

I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can Hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome.

These are dome-shaped and look like stout little slugs.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?' I said "No, permanent."

One thing to keep in mind as Donald Trump continues to call for the deaths of five black for teenagers for a crime they didn't commit is that he's actually a rapist.







• the abomination that causes desolation



You know what we need?  An otter you can't fucking trust.

A second fire in 1494 was set by the sons of a hanged thief.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.

Study shows researchers waste a lot of time finding out dumb things.

 Reports of bomb threats at nine schools in New Jersey - NBC

UAE sentences four to death for joining IS: news agency 

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

By default this template gives the serial for today.

Iran top leader Khamenei praises high turnout in elections: media 

The studio host and analysts vary every night on NBA Gametime Live.

The Devil Is Not So Black As He Is Painted

Waves along the coastline of New York reached 4 t. On August 14 , a 16-year-old boy drowned after being caught in a rip current near Long Beach , New York on August 14.

Sharp liabilities list covered worst-case scenarios: source  

Sleep + social life = bad grades. Good grades + sleep = no social life. Good grades + social life = no sleep.

H. L. Mencken said that `` A dachshund is a half-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long , '' although they have been referred to as `` two dogs long ''.

"The average person thinks he isn’t."

Please do not make personal attacks.

Wall Street staged a modest rally as oil prices recorded their biggest gain this year:  

The race is on for a Zika virus vaccine:  

His first tragedy took place in 235 BC . Plautus would have been living at the exact time as Naevius , but began writing later.

The name Proterozoic comes from the Greek `` earlier life ''.

My toothpaste gets jealous when I try to use other brands. It's ultra-sensitive.

Next round of Syria peace talks to begin on March 9: U.N. -  

Teacher: Name 6 wild animals? Student: Four elephants and two lions

Netflix shares rise after company adds more subscribers than expected:  $NFLX 


Me: my resume talks??

To Come Away None The Wiser

In latest cache of declassified documents, bin Laden fears tracking chip in wife's tooth:  

IMF too demanding on Greek pension reform, Greek minister says  

Writing hack: Just name your characters after whoever emailed you last... It’s quick, you don’t have to think about it, and your protagonist will love being called “HMRC Self Assessment”

My grandfathers funeral has cost us over £14,000 so far..I knew it was a bad idea to bury him in a rented suit.

Pride Goes Before A Fall

I texted my dad a heartfelt Father’s Day message yesterday but since he was home, his cell phone was turned off in a drawer.

U.S. government concludes cyber attack caused Ukraine power outage 

 Chris Christie plans to drop out of presidential race: TV networks

Service dogs such as guide dogs , utility dogs , assistance dogs , hearing dogs , and psychological therapy dogs provide assistance to individuals with physical or mental disabilities.

Only one son , Anthonie , who was not home that day , survived.

From Washington to Long Island, the blizzard beats down the East Coast 

Did you hear about the red ship that crashed into the blue ship? All of the sailors were marooned.

Angel eventually set out on a path of redemption , hoping that he could make up for his past through good deeds.

In Myanmar, political mood sours as transition talks hit a snag 

He That Has A Full Purse Never Wanted A Friend

I crafted two golems out of gold to help around the house and care for the children. They're an au pair.

Don't take Lebanon's stability for granted: U.N. envoy 

You'd be paranoid too if everybody hated you.

You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a blowjob.

The case for Sanders over other candidates when it comes to foreign policy has been oddly underemphasized so far in the primary

Met a girl in the club last night, she said "Take me home and I will do literally anything you want." Best omelette EVER!

To Take Counsel Of One's Pillow






Server: I’ll get you more pancakes.





But then other times

U.S. January auto sales stronger than expected 

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Two men walk into a bar, and the third one ducks.

My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.

I’m absolutely bewildered by the decisions to let actors in “Chernobyl” speak in Cockney rhyming slang, and to feature Big Ben in the background of almost every shot.

There are three extant and three fossil genera currently recognized.

IMF cuts global growth forecast as China slows 

Behind the refugee crisis, the families in the West forced to pay and pay:   

Israel cabinet vote imminent on plan to increase Palestinian workers 

All performances must end before midnight ; long operas start earlier in the evening if need be.

Thus one may refer to `` three cattle '' or `` some cattle '' , but not `` one cattle ''.

Yemeni man pleads guilty in U.S. to supporting al Qaeda 

Russia and Turkey trade accusations over Syria:  

Accused 'flash crash' trader's actions not a crime in UK, court hears 

It first came to prominence in Belgium.

In addition , taxis can refuse to take babies and children because of seating legislation.

Cheapest Is The Dearest

In 2008 , Biden received the Best of Congress Award , for `` improving the American quality of life through family-friendly work policies , '' from Working Mother magazine.

just found out boxing day commemorates when jesus was only two days old and had to prove himself in the ring against the manger animals. wild.

In 1991 the orchestra gained its current name after its home city returned to its original name of Saint Petersburg.

Many of the municipalities in the area receive their drinking water directly from Vättern.

Consensus can only work among reasonable editors who make a good faith effort to work together in a civil manner.





HR: well for starters you caught larry’s foreskin in YOUR zipper last week

Two of us played on four national championship teams.

It's annoying when fat people say obesity "runs" in their family when clearly, nothing does.

Studies have shown that hallucinatory experiences take place worldwide.

I was going to do a joke about a germ, But I wouldn't want to spread it around.

An electronic multiplexer makes it possible for several signals to share one device or resource , for example one A/D converter or one communication line , instead of having one device per input signal.

Unknown dead fill Lesbos cemetery for refugees drowned at sea 

taking some time off from hating the way i look to focus more of my energy on hating my personality i hope you understand

What does Barbie like to do at Halloween? Pump Ken

A Joker with no Batman in sight is actually a pretty good metaphor for 2019.

 Most of those killed in Istanbul blast were German citizens - Turkish officials



me [refined and intelligent about everything but this]: LIKE A TORTILLA?

In Spain, left-wing coalition seen more likely as king ends talks 

I never knew true happiness until I got married...then it was too late.

Baden-Powell thought this would not be attractive and suggested that it could grow much larger when scouting would be used.

What do you call two old women who lick each others naughty bits? LesbiNans

"The Holocaust shouldn't be politicized" askfjhsjfkdjsh

Sony Pictures hackers linked to breaches in China, India, Japan: report 

People say laughter is the best medicine, so instead of
Getting a flu shot, you can just look at my bank balance.

Those who criticise our generation seem to forget who raised it.

Tony pretends not to care , however Jal is angered that Michelle didn't tell her since she 's her best friend.

Egypt returns body of slain Italian student -state news agency 


Courage.

Brazil's Rousseff gains approval despite corruption: poll 

lThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

Film director Richard Linklater discusses this novel in his film Waking Life , which begins with a scene reminiscent of another Dick novel , Time Out of Joint.

MSF-backed hospital in Syria destroyed by air strikes: statement: 



Why is it called an open-casket funeral and not "remains to be seen"?

Each player begins the game with two bishops.

My best mate told me to treat his house as if it were my own. So I sold it.

A handful of new servers are set up every year by hobbyists 30 have been set up and added to Floodgap 's list since 1999 and possibly some more that haven't been added.

Very excited that HarperCollins is publishing my novel in 2020. Posting this on multiple social media platforms truly gives me hives! Pray for my health...or don’t!

Where do prostitutes go for recycling? The Virgin Islands.

It was the first time that two women co-anchored Weekend Update.

HAHAHAHA @MOUNTAINDEW @CIRCLEKSTORES WTF IS THIS

Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.

Oregon occupier freed from jail, barred from contact with husband  

The missus accused me of being far too competitive! I said 'I'm not!, and i'll be the first to admit that'.

Engayed: The term used when two gays are engaged or want to become married.

Vietnam party boss says tough job ahead for new, expanded leadership 



ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

The rotation of Earth always makes my day.

a story in three parts

India, France eye intergovernmental pact to seal $9 billion Rafale deal: Hollande 

Walter the Eastern Quoll isn't sure what all the fuss is about for the winter solstice today! ...But the staff at Bonorong are looking forward to the longer daylight hours, how about you?!  Photo thanks to Grant Angus #EasternQuoll #Winter #Solstice #Tasmania #Sanctuary

To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.

Global slowdown fears overshadow Singapore aviation show:  

Hard Words Break No Bones

What The Heart Thinks The Tongue Speaks

The Mac Mini is the first Macintosh desktop not to include a keyboard or mouse.

Love Me, Love My Dog

I'm going to try winking as much in real life as I do in texts. ;)

It takes place on the Hong Kong Island or Sha Tin District alternatively every two years.

Theria is a subclass of mammals that give birth to live young without using a shelled egg , including both eutherians and metatherians.







[every spot on the wheel says "get depressed"]

VOGUE JAPAN

There are two school systems in Algona.

Tunisian forces kill four militants in clashes: ministry 

Pretending to write when the teacher starts calling on random people.

Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.

The up-side to procrastination is you always have something to do tomorrow.

First , the blocking administrator provides a brief reason that you will see when you try to make an edit.

What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.

Liverpool collapse nothing to do with protest, says coach  

Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"?

What do you call a whale with no pants on? Free Willy.

Whats the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.

To Find A Mare's Nest

Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison.. But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition

Many early television networks evolved from earlier radio networks.

France's FN under fire from within over its anti-euro stance 

Five things the U.S. stock market is worried about after last week's rout 

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.

He was buried in Tallinn , his grave not too far away from that of another great name in chess , Paul Keres.

Banks give back China investment quotas as clients bypass the middlemen  

*boston bartender voice* no lady I haven't seen a subtweet but you're welcome to check the lost and found

What word is always pronounced incorrectly? Incorrectly.

The city is also home to the headquarters of U-HAUL International , a rental company and moving supply store , as well Best Western , a hotel chain.



ME: But I can’t survive if I’m just a Leg.

Producer Dr. Luke says the #FreeKesha campaign is a "trial by Twitter"

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

Its full name is the Beaufort Wind Force Scale.

BOJ shocks markets with negative rates move 

Murder rate dips, but Venezuela still global hotspot 

He then meets a girl who he thinks is his true love.

Fact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.

California sheriff 'concerned' by slow response to jail escape 

I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.

The Cat Shuts Its Eyes When Stealing Cream



Dog: WE'LL TAKE IT

A water turbine is a rotary engine that takes energy from moving water.

Hitch hikers are the friendliest people in the world. Everytime I pass one, they give me a thumbs up!

That tweet was better when it was done by so and so who reworded it from what’s her face who saw it on Facebook in 2012

One protester shot dead as FBI arrests Oregon occupation leader and others:  

Obama has started work to pick Supreme Court justice: White House 

One of his projects was the steel work of the General Motors Futurama building at the 1939 New York World 's Fair.


me: I'm a big fan of your work

A handwriting analysis conclusively matched the two.

My friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs. "Is it true?" they asked..' Only thyme will tell' I replied.

ICE considers counter bid for London Stock Exchange Group:  

There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning. It sent ripples through the whole building.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Butt.

Slovenia to offer military instructors in fight against ISIS 

The former English name was Sleswick-Holsatia , the Danish name is Slesvig-Holsten , the Low German name is Sleswig-Holsteen , and the North Frisian name is Slaswik-Holstiinj.

Twitty continues to make television appearances when there are new developments in the case.

Trying to stem refugee influx, Sweden asks: When is a child not a child? 

i never in my life thought i’d see michelle obama hit harry styles in the dick with a dodgeball but hey god works in mysterious ways

Saudi envoy comments on Iraq's Shi'ite militias draw hostile reactions 

Ralph was the oldest of nine children.


Me: No, he's my biological dog.

I wish subtweets were just tweets about delicious subs.

Hollywood's Sean Penn lied about 'Chapo' trafficking claim: lawyer  

I got mugged earlier and they took my mood ring. I really don't know how I feel about that.

A good book focuses on a certain topic and covers it as well as possible.

Rachel and Emilie decided to create a visual video for hearing children so that ASL could be made accessible to all children , and together created Two Little Hands Productions , their production company.

























on the trigger.

What's the best way to talk to your mother-in-law? Through a medium.

Species may be succulent or not.



Don’t do anything stupid for ten days

Venezuela talks oil prices with Qatar, Oman; to meets Saudis  

Rosé was first violin throughout.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

Hunting season comes and Slade takes his dogs into the wilderness for the interim.

I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia!

The kids next Door have challenged me to a water fight. I'm updating twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.

With China's economy growing at its slowest in 25 years, tensions are rising:  

Common mobile software could have opened San Bernardino shooter's iPhone  

Phimosis is `` a contracted foreskin may cause trouble by hurting when an attempt is made to pull the foreskin back ''.

Key winners and events of the Oscars2016 in one handy list -   

Syrian army presses Aleppo attack as U.N. envoy meets government:  

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.

Political fallout from Flint, Michigan, water crisis spreads 

Every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is.

But we never do ''.

German court throws out objections by far-right NPD in ban case 

Oil rises further above $30 on hopes of deal to tackle glut:  

every person i’ve dated after finding out i suck: https://twitter.com/geopoliticsnerd/status/1142524608060567552 …



him: okay but i'm really not looking for anything serious right now

U.N. chief tells African leaders not to 'cling to power' 

Belgian court orders release of Paris attacks suspect 

Two killed, three wounded in overnight shooting in Toronto 

What did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest.

Dibs on any sea glass you find. And don’t try pushing any of that foreign stuff on me.

The CBO became a full time organization in 1944 , changing its name to the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra in 1948.

I received an email asking me to send trouser zips to the address provided.But I ignored it, sounds like they're fly phishing to me.

On Day 19 , the two tribes , now with 6 women and 4 men , merged into Alinta.

jesus “the toolman” christ

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.

What do you call a man without a spade? Douglas.

If the gas station is 2 miles away and my dad can drive at 60MPH, why hasn't returned from getting snacks for 6 years?

Kiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?

Local scholars say that its original name was Ldumra.

Like Galileo I too was fired from a daycare job for teaching kids to climb a tall tree and prove my theory of how the sun is making a noise.

Insight - After winning EU deal, Cameron faces harder battle 

My son just found out that what he has been calling a "handburger" is actually a "hamburger" and he's not happy about it. "Mom, you eat it with your HANDS. And there's not even any ham in it!" Yeah I think I'm with him on this one y'all

What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.

Kerry to meet Jordan's King Abdullah in Amman over weekend 

Clay animation is one of many forms of stop motion animation.












"Lets do this."

U.N. staffer killed in Iraq, first since 2010 

Similar to the previous two events , the concept of the show was that every championship in the company would be defended.

life wasn’t supposed to be this hard I didn’t realize how much effort would go into just keeping my hands moisturized not to mention the relentless onslaught of soul shattering hardship lol





Hey guys you’ll never guess what Egg Salad Dennis brought for lunch today.

If tomatoes are fruit then isn't ketchup actually a smoothie?

The name Britain is derived from the Latin name Britannia , via Old French Bretaigne and Middle English Bretayne , Breteyne.

They say shower sex is overrated.  You know we’d change their minds.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays

Hungary is going to hold a referendum on EU plans for a mandatory migrant quotas system:  

North Korea says detained U.S. student confesses to crimes against state 

What did the baby corn say to momma corn? Where is popcorn. 

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be called bagels!

No Longer Pipe, No Longer Dance

The system closed in 1962 and was the last city tramway in Great Britain.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

Do homeless people understand knock knock jokes?

Don't miss our Editor's Choice photos of the day:  

More money is not more happiness. Cause I was just as happy at 40 million as I am now with 42 million

If The Sky Falls, We Shall Catch Larks

As everyone knows, the Nazis went from being a normal part of a healthy democracy and then immediately started mass exterminations with no build up or warning. We can learn nothing from how they got to that point. Buncha dudes just started bein evil all of a sudden. Crazy shit.

To Use A Steam-Hammer To Crack Nuts

Who will take the second shot in the pub snooker game? We'll find out after the break.

I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo.

To Pour Water Into A Sieve

“alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression.

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.

just heard my song in a porn wow that’s amazing

Whats green, slimy and smells like ham? Kermit the Frog's finger.

Fed's Fischer says worried by emergency credit reporting rules:  

If you want flattery girls, I'm your man. I have a steam roller ready to use.

Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 and 8:40



ME: the band playing "Amazing Grace ft Pitbull" was a little much imo






M: Don't worry I've got my ducks in a row

I went back this girls place and she had a 10-foot lightswitch. It was a massive turnoff!

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.

Stocks dragged lower as oil tumbles 4 percent:  

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Putin probably approved London murder of Litvinenko: British inquiry 









Please remove your crab friend

U.S. criticizes Uganda election, says concerned about Besigye's arrest 

Military chiefs gather in Paris to bolster Islamic State fight  

Steak-umm

Gang guilty of sex crimes in English town at center of abuse scandal 

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

According to Livy , Hannibal much later said that when he came upon his father and begged to go with him , Hamilcar agreed and demanded him to swear that as long as he lived he would never be a friend of Rome.



me, looking out the window:

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

The county boundaries of England have changed little over time.


Squirrel 2: Just pecan....

If this isn't the name of her autobiography I will sue

What is the capital of Greece? About £10

They say 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.

Typically , stolons have very long internodes that form new plants at the ends.

I'd love to live in an old disused lighthouse. I don't want anything flashy.

For an athlete who desires to be the best. Just enough, is rarely enough. More than enough tends to be just enough. #MaxOut

I have three hubcaps and I’m blasting the Clueless cd. You’re going to want to let me over.

Danny Devito would never try to control a woman's body

Also goes by the name `` Mr. Gibbs ''.

I have an irrational fear that I’ll meet a talking animal and they won’t have the ability to grant me any wishes.

What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!

just found out nsync broke up

Nothing So Bad, As Not To Be Good For Something

He Who Would Eat The Nut Must First Crack The Shell

All is fair in love and war

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

I fell in love at first sight...I probably should have looked twice.





*struggling to remove my sweatshirt* we should fuck on the roof

Sometimes, I miss being in a relationship. But then I look in my wallet and feel alright again.

..and the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.

If you pee in the Matrix, you pee in the real world.

Supreme Court fight gives Democrats fuel to regain Senate control:  

We live with the consequences today . ''

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

Making a new link that begins with a / is the common way to start a subpage.

Words Pay No Debts

How does Stephen Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.

I rang the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house. They said "You can cartwheel down the street for all we care"

Never throw dirt when you're at war; you'll lose your ground.

A move that would place the moving player 's king in check is illegal.

Syria peace talks hinge on envoy's answers 

Newly released documents show profit-seeking behind price hikes at Turing, Valeant 

Sorry I'm poor, I can't afford to pay attention.

Abbottabad district is divided into two tehsils , Abbottabad and Havelian as well as one urban administration area - Nawanshehr.

The first goal of any new artist or band was to get signed to a contract as soon as possible.

German police arrest two suspects linked to Nazi propaganda website 

From early 1994 to September 1999 , Raw was shown live on one Monday and then the next day next Monday 's Raw was taped.

But Yoland 's pimp , Keyshone soon appears outside , begging for `` Yolanda '' back and asking for her hand in marriage . Butters insists that he can not allow `` Yolanda '' to work for him , claiming it would interfere with the `` true love '' Keyshone and `` Yolanda '' share.

What do you call a cow's mate? Its significant udder. 

The Wolverine is an easy example.

UBS freezes salaries in investment bank: sources  

Dan says `` the old salts say you can set your watch by it . ''

HAHAHAHA

How Trump could benefit from a Bloomberg presidential run:  

Judge rules video of Chicago police shooting can be released:  

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup."




me: yeah [looks at wife] who are the other two dads?

Company In Distress Makes Trouble Less

See for instructions.

Tropical Tonga declares Zika outbreak after five cases confirmed 

Even so , the old man 's scream during the night causes a neighbor to call the police . The narrator invites the three officers to look around.

Obama, Erdogan speak by phone, vow cooperation against terrorism: sources 

Halo 3 , like its predecessors , is set in the fictional Halo universe , taking place during the year 2553.

My credit card company loves me. Every day, I get a call from them saying my balance is outstanding.

I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.

He Is A Fool That Forgets Himself



Cc: @Dustinkcouch

It is shown throughout the 2nd and 3rd movie that the crew of the Black Pearl , particularly Jack Sparrow , like to shoot at Jack the monkey.

End of Europe? Berlin, Brussels' shock tactic on migrants 

What's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup. 

Clue

McAleese is Ireland 's second female president and the world 's first woman to succeed another woman as an elected head of state.

Yo mama is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License? Because she got an F in sex.

She was born to Tatar father and Jewish mother.

Pakistan's largest opposition party wants army chief to stay when term ends 

Ivory Coast ex-president presented as peace-loving victim of France 

Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

Embattled Mexican builder ICA CEO Quintana leaving post: sources  

Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.

You can use the wikibreak template for this purpose . Let 's say wants to go on wikibreak until Christmas.

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think.

Cameron hits back at critics with 'Project Fact':  

Roche eyes acquisition of Pacific Biosciences: sources  





Boss: wtf?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

- What do soy beans and dildos have in common?Both are meat subsitutes

3D printing body parts?  

Self-styled militia group joins Oregon occupation:  

Sukarno , born Kusno Sosrodihardjo was the first President of Indonesia.

Nevada will be a test of Bernie Sanders appeal to minority voters  



she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me

The fight lasted for almost two centuries.

Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago.

Yeah, but you weren’t supposed to enjoy it, dude

How do you make your missus scream after an orgasm? Wipe your willy on the curtains.

U.S. test-fires ICBM amid tensions with Russia, North Korea 

If you think you are having a bad day..just remember one day somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom.

Unbrella: An umbrella which has no further use, as when a force of wind turns it inside-out

WHO moves into high gear to combat Zika, microcephaly: expert 

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

U.S. businessman detained in Iran denied access to lawyer 

Syrian Kurdish forces said to capture most of rebel-held former military airport 

How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Syrian army says it captured strategic town in coastal area 

Tomorrow Come Never

EU executive to push Greece, Italy more on migration 

Israeli campaign against artists draws accusations of 'McCarthyism' 

It was front-page news for many days.

Wedding rings are too much like little handcuffs.

Coyotes appear better able than wolves to live among people.

In 1933 Hoffmann - La Roche became the first pharmaceutical company to mass-produce synthetic vitamin C , under the brand name of Redoxon.

I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

Bank of England to tread fine line on distant rate bets  

Dear microwave, Why are your minutes so much longer than normal ones? Sincerely, super hungry me.

No one ends life a virgin, life screws us all.

I must make merry before the Spring is spent.

Warfare among French socialists hurts Hollande's re-election bid 

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Girls fall for me, because I trip them.

What do you call a kid with one arm, buck teeth, a monobrow and an eyepatch? Names.

Hello twitter friends, I wrote a fantasy/sci-fi book about a woman who helps topple a tyrannical Queen, becomes the new leader, and gets into loads of sword fights. It's here if you wanna check it out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07R91PP93 

but you did tho

Urban blacks usually speak English or Afrikaans in addition to their native tongue.



ME: *dies*

Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, idiot.

Kasparov changed his mind after making a losing move and then made another move instead.

[sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense

They noisily move away from the shore when disturbed , giving them their common name.

How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mum.

Scalia's death set to affect court's rulings in current term  

Many of the neighborhoods in Malden take their name and identity from the Square they are centered around.

He has written many books of poetry and short stories as well as novels.

A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Hate Not At The First Harm



bitch that's plastic just say plastic. Look me in the eye & tell me you're charging me $300 for a reusable plastic bag

The Shield : red with three gold bands drawn diagonally across to the right hand side.



Me @ 12am not being able to fall asleep and bored with literally no one to text whatsoever:

Where do astronauts go out for a drink? To the spacebar.

Was walking round Tesco's the other day and a bloke threw a big lump of cheese at me! I thought how dairy!

U.S. Mid-Atlantic braces for storm that may dump two feet of snow 









- Drag0nfrūt

hello i just got a massage how’s your day

What do you call a man with a spade? Doug.







me: love you, brian.

Ever hear of the Tempura House? It's a home for lightly battered women.

Activity in Syria threatens to drive a wedge between NATO allies:  

It was first documented in 1436.

It has black primaries and secondaries.

An Empty Sack Cannot Stand Upright

Trial of man accused of being 'Grim Sleeper' serial killer set to begin:  

South Korea cites North threat in calling for tough 'terror' law:  

I put off more things by 9:00am than most people do all day.

Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.

In his later years , Hitler spoke of Poetsch as a `` great man . ''

I almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.

I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

Happy anniversary to the time I went to Pride Parade with my da and he thought the bondage guys were dressed as Spider-Man

Her 1998 book , Today I Feel Silly , and Other Moods That Make My Day , made the best-seller list in The New York Times.

Trump and Sanders take New Hampshire by storm:  

Unwavering Tottenham devoted to Pochettino's plan  

Judge authorizes search after scent of slain Virginia woman is found  









her: that’s not my name

Did you hear the Aggies bought a thousand septic tanks?As soon as they learn to drive them, they'll invade Mexico.

Anti-torture committee warns Greece on over-crowded prisons, police violence 

鶏で黄身と白身を分けたかった

Born to a dog demon father and human mother , InuYasha is a half-demon who initially wants to use the powers of the Shikon Jewel to become a full demon.

(See you Monday)

Locals distance themselves from Oregon refuge occupiers 

How to workout your 'arsehole' name. Replace your first name with the word 'Piers' and your surname with the word 'Morgan'.

Merkel warns against border closures, to fight for EU-Turkey plan 

After a three-season run , the sketch was developed into a half-hour prime time show and was an early hit for Fox.

The Free Software Foundation may publish new , revised versions of the GNU Free Documentation License from time to time.

North Korea detains U.S. student on New Year trip for 'hostile act':  

Last night my mate and I watched all 3 'Lord of the Rings' movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

When the killer is a woman

I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

A hunting dog refers to any dog who assists humans in hunting.

Australia softens sanctions against Iran  





me: it’s called a segway [zooms away]

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the checkout lady keeps putting it back.

This species may be encountered in a wide range of open habitats and gardens.






    ope not again

It's crab season. Choose your fighter.

I once asked a pretty homeless woman If I could take her home. She said yes, but you shoulda seen her face when I took her box!

What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have? A full set of teeth!

Amish safe sex: painting an "X" on the cows that kick.




M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE

What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.

The only people that feel bad about wasting their life are the people that wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it, anyway.

Zika virus discourages many Americans from Latin America travel -  

Currently mad at my wife for not being a lizard

My mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.







secretary: [bursts into the room] sorry sir but the Grand Canyon is on the phone for his nephew

I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive but its hair look amazing!

Funny Laws-Alaska: persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hiked across the city.

Hundreds protest in Cairo over police shooting 

There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. It's an ovary action.

Do you smoke pot because weed be cute together

North Korea's Kim Jong Un says H-bomb test self-defensive step against the U.S.  

The first school was opened in a log house in January 1901 , and the first teacher was Eliza R. Black.

Her sisters were also born in Rasht.

went to board my flight and there was a guy sitting in my window seat and when i told him it was mine he said “but i want it” and if that’s not this whole fuckin country i don’t know what is

Early turbine examples are windmills and water wheels.

To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.

The computer beat me at chess, but I can sure as heck beat it at kickboxing.

Every Bird Likes Its Own Nest

Just bought a suit made from cactus.I look pretty sharp in it.









professor x: wait





respect some women

horses and time: two things you probably would like to learn about sequentially

Health Is Not Valued Till Sickness Comes

FBI director, Apple general counsel to testify March 1: House panel 

It pains me to say this...but I have a sore throat.

This was also the third time the name `` Jose '' had been used to name a tropical cyclone in the Atlantic.

I thought if I took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. If anything it seems more sluggish.

North Korea holding U.S. citizen for allegedly spying: CNN -  

A rare animal that cries like a man was found in Arabian peninsula. They used to believe that the cry was of the dead souls from the graves until they found it crying. 

Most time zone abbreviations as well as a large number of place names are recognized.

Two suspected of raping woman in N.Y. playground give themselves up 

Drummer Brandon Barnes did not come into the picture until 2001 along with the band name Rise Against.

You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Myanmar presidential vote to start on March 17 as transition talks drag on:  



I'm insufficient too.

I like my men like I like my coffee: sealed in airtight container at the back of a dark cupboard









me: linda....i’m dying


me: ah yes, from the floor up

My Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused he said, "no ballroom"

What do you call a man with a map on his head? Miles.

I can't believe how dangerous the world is. Just yesterday, I went into a McDonalds toilets and mugged someone.

Confident Trump says could 'shoot people' and not lose voters 

Mystery solved see you in jail you sick fuck

"if you don't want gay people to be hated, maybe don't remind people that they exist"

Why don't cannibals like clowns? Cos they taste funny.

I'll sleep when I'm Dad.



me: nothin

Red phosphorus may be formed by heating white phosphorus to 250 C or by exposing white phosphorus to sunlight.

Let's grow old together. You go first.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

You, me, no power and a thunderstorm.

U.S.-backed fighters capture Islamic State-held town in northeast Syria: monitor 

Birth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." 
Cashier: "OK, with whom?" 
Me: "Whoever has lots of money."

Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

Here's what you need to know about Apple vs. FBI:  

See List of operas by Piccinni.

White House dropped $10 million claim in Iran prisoner deal  

On that case , an opponent must accuse him and the piece that did not capture must go to jail.

Open Not Your Door When The Devil Knocks

How do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.

Meanwhile , Evanescence signed on with their first major label , Wind-up Records , and began work on their first album , Fallen.

Happy anniversary to everyone trapped for another year in this dimension when their space/time travel portal was accidentally closed by their mom back home when she tripped a breaker running the microwave and the dishwasher at the same time.

Saudi Arabia's deafening silence over the lifted Iran sanctions.  

Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?

Got the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day. She'll be made up! The hoovers as good as new now.

He Lives Long That Lives Well

His great grandfather played at Wimbledon.



the economy:

Life Is Not A Bed Of Roses

Ever wondered how you play ping pong in space? UK astronaut Tim Peake will show you:  

Its French name is cafetière à piston.

Kids who weren’t vaccinated are so immature because they never grow up

The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006




Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

London-based Peter Owen Publishers have been long-serving advocates of Kavan 's work and continue to keep her work in print.

lAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think we've got a problem.

Families return to Damascus suburb under local ceasefire: monitor 

At Judgment Day 2006 Long fired Melina and Johnny Nitro from SmackDown !.

I haven't slept for three days, Because that would be too long.

Every Dog Is Valiant At His Own Door

I didn’t want to walk 5 blocks, so I took a bus. But then I was embarrassed that I took a bus to go 5 blocks, so when we got to my stop I shouted “Oh no!” and jumped off, like something horrible happened and my plans to continue riding had been forced to change.

The city is first documented in 1246.

See WikiProject Geographical coordinates for further information.

Paddy on a 1st Aid Course Instructor asks: "What do you do if your child swallowed the front door key?". Paddy: "Climb through the window!".

The migration from water wheels to modern turbines took about one hundred years.



FILM CRITIC WATCHES A MOVIE: that wasn't as deep as the pit at the core of my existence, 0/4

One of my emotional breakdowns finally paid off 

Volkswagen faces shareholder claims over emissions scandal 

I was working in a library and this bloke came up to me and said "Do you have a bookmark?" I said "Yes, we have hundreds, but my name's Dave"

`` Book Two : The Education of a Personage '' - After the war , Amory Blaine falls in love with a New York debutante named Rosalind Connage . Because he is poor , however , this relationship collapses as well ; Rosalind decides to marry a wealthy man instead.

Women are meant to be loved, not understood.

PM CAMERON SAYS DRAFT EU RENEGOTIATION DOCUMENT SHOWS REAL PROGRESS IN ALL FOUR AREAS WHERE UK NEEDS CHANGE BUT THERE'S MORE WORK TO DO

On 16 May 2007 , Alex Salmond became First Minister , heading the SNP administration.

Expert asks U.N. to notify Kim Jong Un he may be investigated for crimes against humanity:  

In the early days of the colony of New South Wales , the southern part of the Lachlan was known as Fish River.

How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.








• the animals will help you clean the house

I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.

why can celebrities wear any dumb shit they want and it’s “fashion” but I do it and I’m “ruining my sisters wedding” by “wearing an assless Cookie Monster costume”

There's a lot of fish in the sea. Might as well catch a few, gut them, and throw them back in.

The collection includes local textile work as well as religious artifacts.

The national flag of Estonia is a tricolor featuring three equal horizontal bands of blue , black , and white.

How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

Republicans Christie, Fiorina to quit White House bids 

What do elephants use for a tampon?  Sheep

Haryanto becomes Indonesia's first F1 driver:  

Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.





me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

how are we all doing this evening

U.S. crude oil prices drop over 2 percent as market loses faith in rebound  

Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table

Wife of Islamic State leader charged in death of American: U.S. Justice Dept. 

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Gloom deepens over Ukraine peace deal before Paris meeting 

Unpredictable results may happen using other wikitable features such as rowspanning , creating a new row within an argument , or the like.

Mexico says 11 pregnant women infected with Zika 

Crows Do Not Pick Crow's Eyes

To become a successful doctor you must have a lot of patients.

Do people really think pro choice folks want more dead babies?? Like when a medical miracle occurs and parents get a healthy, wanted child, we grumble and cross our arms "coulda been killed tho >:("

carpe diem is latin for fish jeans

Math jokes aren't funny. Nothing about math is funny. Math is a sin.

Company in 1891.









Doctor: You'll be dead long before your wife gives birth to my son.

Installing Twinkle is easy.

Five children hurt in school attack in southeast Turkey blamed on PKK 

Xerox to split into two, Icahn to get board seats in one:  

What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!

Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.

A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.

Skeletons in medieval art

[happy gasp]

every word in this headline gave me a different mood swing

It is a viscous black liquid.

If I drink Neosporin will it make my insides painless






1. Killing John Wick’s dog

How Honeywell turned the tables on United Tech  

Merkel presses Putin to ensure Ukraine ceasefire holds 

Let be the round function and let be the sub-keys for the rounds respectively.

Clinton, Sanders race takes on angrier tone after Nevada 

Indian armed forces to recruit women for all combat roles: president 

Many police officers carry clipboards.

Ferguson, Missouri releases details of proposed consent decree  

Halo 4: Saving more Teen pregnancies than Trojan.

The closing credits show Mei and Satsuki 's mother returning home and feature scenes of Satsuki and Mei playing with other children , with Totoro and his friends as unseen observers.

What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg.

FIFA aims to start afresh with leadership vote:  FIFAelection 

Harry Potter to return to bookstores in script for London play 

Thomas Mann wrote of Tolstoy 's seemingly guileless artistry : `` Seldom did art work so much like nature ''.

I see a striking resemblance between Justin Bieber and Elton John.

I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.

Republicans blame Obama, urge China to curb North Korea nuclear activity 

People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

Bundy tells protesters to 'please go home':  



Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no



Me: Well, you see son. I’m a piece of shit.

Bodies may be electrified in many other ways , as well as by friction.

Household debt is the debt held by households.

ladies we rebranding to a stupid girl summer. catch feelings for someone who lives hundreds of miles away! hook up with your ex! get matching neck tattoos and have a twilight themed shotgun wedding with the person you've been talking to for 2 weeks!



And we never went back there again the end.

Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

Mexico unleashes surprise rate hike to smoke out speculators:  

Terry made an agreement with Danielle that if either of them won the final immunity challenge , they would take the second place winner to the final two.

Israeli troops kill Palestinian after soldiers attacked in West Bank 

A common way that these are depicted in a single scene is with one woman and two men performing together.

The great white shark , Carcharodon carcharias , also known as great white , white pointer , white shark , or white death , is a large lamniform shark found in coastal surface waters in all major oceans . The great white shark is very well known for its size , because it can exceed 6 m in length and 2240 k in weight.

How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants

What do you call a Scottish man who works in a cloakroom? Angus Mccoatup

Masked mob threatening migrants go on the rampage in Stockholm 

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and consider lube.

Lost my mood ring.. Not sure how I feel about this.

Three days after being hospitalized , Neruda died of heart failure . Already a legend in life , Neruda 's death reverberated around the world.

Soon Marcello is burning with jealousy.

Fortunato goes with Montresor to the wine cellars of the latter 's palazzo , where they wander in the catacombs . Montresor offers De Grave , a wine , to Fortunato ; at one point , Fortunato makes an elaborate and - to the narrator 's eyes - grotesque gesture with an upraised wine bottle.

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. #idontwanttobeold







Bye 

Never Been Kissed was produced by Drew Barrymore 's production company , Flower Films.

Went to my son's school today and he told the kid next to him "my dad is the best dad in the whole universe" and I was like yeah take that news back to your lame ass dad kid

Y’all don’t know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Belgium identifies three Paris attack plot safe houses  

I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn't speak to them for 2 years.

Africa vote could hold key to FIFA presidential election  

Irony: The Bible is the best-selling book in the world, with more than 50 copies a minute, but also the most shoplifted book.

i need more Off Menu you big stupid idiots @EdGambleComedy @JamesAcaster

Ukko also gave good luck for hunting.

To signal fair catch the receiver must raise one arm fully above his head and wave it side to side , while the ball is in flight.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

'Plane debris' washes up on Malaysian east coast 

White House says it wants North Koreans to end provocative acts and commit to denuclearization

My neighbour Mohammed has given up white water rafting. He's now a Muslim ex-streamist.

Israel would consider invitation to peace talks with Palestinians: spokesman 

The true parrots are about 330 species of bird belonging to the Psittacidae family , one of the two `` traditional '' families in the biological order Psittaciformes.

Turkey's top judge defends court independence after Erdogan criticism 

Philosophically this can be stated as `` nothing depends on time per se ''.







her: does it help that I laughed at the filling joke tho?

Mauro Ramos , full name Mauro Ramos de Oliveira , was a Brazilian football player.

Coachella is what you get when you don’t cook your millennials enough before eating them.

Who’s paying for the WHO – and for how long?  

I've got a joke about a tendon but it's a bit close to the bone.

What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds. 

It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Its name comes from Norse mythology , where Thrymr is a Jotun or frost giant.



God: fuck no hahahaha

It is whitish-gray crane with a black head , red crown patch , black upper neck and legs , and white patch to the rear of the eye.

Texas executes inmate convicted of murdering female impersonator: official 

I was woken at 3 o'clock this morning by my burglar alarm. "Time to go out robbing," I yawned.

Yo Mama is so stupid she enjoys the musical stylings of Nickelback.

These have to come last , so that special cases get treated first.

Burkina Faso's ex-president becomes citizen of Ivory Coast 

In 1795 he ran away for the last time , forming a gang of runaways in the process.

In conclusion : I’m an idiot

The nature of these eyes means that if one were to peer into the pupil of an eye , one would see the same image that the organism would see , reflected back out.

`` The Best Damn Thing '' is the fourth and final single from Canadian singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne 's third studio album The Best Damn Thing.









-has never died inside of me



What is wrong with the world

Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

What did the cheese say when it saw it's self in the mirror? Halloumi!

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Now we are drunk , each goes their way.

Thailand's 'sea gypsies' fight for access to ancestral shrines 

When i was three my parents said we were going to visit grandma and it wasnt until we got to her gravestone that they informed me she was dead

Colombia's defense minister investigated over rebel visit 

The publication is much like the Klagspiegel of 1436.

First encounter in history between Roman Catholic pope and Russian Orthodox patriarch:  

What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Hares May Pull Dead Lions By The Beard

One month later , she claimed three gold medals at her first appearance at the Biathlon World Championships.




ME: Are these questions

Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat.

Social media is the perfect tool to impress 9 acquaintances from high school in exchange for being sad always

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes



Teacher "Yes and you're off to a really bad start."

Dozens of migrants die in the sea off Somaliland 

Unknown gunmen shoot, wound Georgian opposition leader Petriashvili: ministry 




Insane clownster

Wiley 's Well is a remote , natural artesian well in the Colorado Desert of Southern California as well as the name of the region immediately surrounding it.

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.

It was just a hamburger, but it grew and soon it had eyes and a mouth. When it grew a body, I started praying. When they made it Mayor, I started questioning everything.

Sterling strengthens as UK employment hits record high:  

sorry hermione but why did you spend the Yule ball hung up on Ron when you could have been banging Krum, you played yourself

The Short-beaked Echidna can live as long as forty-five years in the wild.

Heimdall was destined to be the last of the gods to perish at Ragnarök when he and Loki would slay one another.

The History Channel +1. Where History repeats itself.



Me: She told me to tell you it's fine

If you keep throwing water at the thirsty girls, I'll keep throwing sponges.

What's long, black, and dangerous to cut? The line at KFC.

The high-ranking executives who have taken heat in the FIFA scandal

My friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.

She was first shown in the guise of Sheik , but it was later revealed that Sheik was one of two forms.

Many creeks empty into it , but the most water comes from the Mint River.

Such louvers may be integrated in between two panes of double glazing.

a Chinese character tattoo that means “cultural appropriation”

Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays.



me: promise

The Great Nundle Dog Race , only open to working dogs , is run on the first Sunday in May and attracts many visitors.

Carey Means is an American voice actor best known for playing Frylock in the Adult Swim show Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!

Honours Change Manners

pizza can feel you eating it

Why do orphans play tennis? Cause it's the only love they can get.







me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats

Inward flow water turbines have a better mechanical arrangement and all modern reaction water turbines are of this design.

His crown and face is violet and black.

Turkey detains 34 people with explosives, suicide vests at Syrian border: media 

@steak_umm





Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

Suspected Islamist militants attack Mali U.N. base, several dead 





me: [ties cherry stem into a noose] ;)

Accused Colorado clinic shooter intends to plead guilty, expects execution: report 

Italian Senate approves diluted civil union bill 

Paulo Isidoro , full name Paulo Isidoro de Jesus , was a Brazilian football player.

Hello I would like to go to the beach and also be haunted by a cursed item.

When people ask why I'm still single. I tell them I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.

Oil powers meet in Doha for private pow-wow as $30 crude woes mount:  

A girl called me, she told me to come over because no one was home. Sure enough, no one was there.

NATO looks to combat Russia's 'information weapon', according to draft plans:  

Obama bans solitary confinement for juveniles in federal prisons 

Brazil says Zika virus outbreak worse than believed  

U.S. Route in New York

I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party when I see one.

What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common? They're both easy to piss off.

The woman next door keeps flashing me from her upstairs bedroom window.I've no idea how she got the car up there though.

My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's really hit me for 6.

Kebabs are often eaten as take-away food on the way home after a night out.

North Korea notifies IMO of planned satellite launch 

How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One two, One two

Differences in Islam play role in refugee crisis, says Miliband 

My boss said "You're the worst fucking train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed to date?" I replied "It's hard to keep track."

London kicks off fashion shows amid catwalk shake-up 

In Mein Kampf , Hitler refers to Martin Luther as a great warrior , a true statesman , and a great reformer , alongside Wagner and Frederick the Great.

When taking off , albatrosses need to take a run up to allow enough air to move under the wing to provide lift.

UAE says ready to support anti-Islamic State coalition with troops  

Myanmar arrests leader of Saffron Revolution on immigration charges: media 

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

The lemming oath: "Repeat after me."

EU says puzzled by Hungarian migrant referendum 

Every war ever would disagree with you

Most Americans want Obama to nominate Scalia's replacement, says poll.  

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Fiji super cyclone kills 10 and raises fears of health crisis 

Apple sells fewer iPhones than expected in latest quarter 

Respect your parents. They did school without google or Wikipedia.

U.S. shares tumble; Brent crude slips below $30  

Hurwicz combined Wald 's ideas with work done in 1812 by Pierre-Simon Laplace.

They settled in New York City.

North Korea rocket launch may spur U.S. missile defence buildup in Asia:  

The Australian Black Swan is completely black except for the white flight feathers on its wings ; the chicks of black swans are light gray in color , and the South American Black-necked Swan has a black neck.

UK cathedral moves statue to avoid texting mishaps:  

What’s wrong with the World Health Organization? Diagnosis here:  

Italy's navy rescues 700 migrants from six boats, four found dead 

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?  Getting fingered by Captain Hook

Report card on aboriginal Australians paints bleak picture  

Wife to husband: " our neighbor is wondering if he could borrow his mower"



Submarine crew: *screaming*

Russian Roulette: You win some, you lose one.

For the smaller territories , the UK may appoint a UK-based lawyer or judge to work on legal cases.

Accused Oregon refuge occupier cites devil, demands $666,666,666,666.66 damages from U.S.:  

See also :.

Ragdoll Productions is a United Kingdom company that produces children 's television shows.

Pay for your pictures and videos? Sounds super tempting, but I’m just going to put dollar bills in my paper shredder instead.

Passion spent, Scots yet to be fired up by Britain's EU vote 

The Baudelaire children have left the unspecified city in which they live to spend the day at the deserted Briny Beach.



Me: Yes.

White House raises concerns about harm to civilians in Yemen  

Saudi Arabia warns against 'nefarious activities' by Iran 

Bid to mine more coal on U.S. federal lands tests Obama's green agenda 





She: I   A M   T H E   K  R  A  K  E   N

Major powers agree on plan to break Syria deadlock 

WikiLeaks' Assange 'unlawfully detained' in Ecuador embassy, U.N. panel to rule 

The Hornets opted to keep their base of operations in Oklahoma City for the 2006 - 07 season due to the continued recovery efforts in New Orleans but promised to return to New Orleans full time , possibly as early as 2007.

A book of poems for children entitled Mother Goose 's Melody was published in England in 1781 , and the name `` Mother Goose '' has been associated with children 's poetry ever since.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

Different instructions may take different amounts of time.

Mopeds are like fat birds! It's loads of fun until your mates find out you've ridden one.

Green was replaced with two new members , drummer Benjamin Weikel and guitarist Dann Gallucci.

At least 23 civilians killed as missiles hit three hospitals and a school in Syrian towns:  

Give Every Man Thy Ear, But Few Thy Voice

We live in the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

my airpods accidentally disconnected and now everyone at grandma's funeral knows I'm listening to Old Town Road

The Proof Of The Pudding Is In The Eating

His son drowned in the Yarra River.

See also Fruit tree pollination.

Some 200,000 at risk in Turkey's fight against Kurdish militants: Amnesty -  

The weft threads are usually wool or cotton , but may include silk , gold , silver , or other alternatives.

The first company of pioneers arrived in the area May 2 , 1900 , and began the construction of the Sidon Canal to bring water to the town from the Shoshone River.

I've been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?', I automatically say: 'Vodafone'.

Saudi Arabia stops Yemen-bound ship carrying communications equipment 

I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late. She loves me wrong time.

His first two studio albums , Room for Squares and Heavier Things , did well commercially , achieving multi-platinum status.

The next day at school , Leslie compliments Jess ' drawing ability after seeing his notebook , and they soon become best friends.





my wife: just change his diaper

What's green and goes "Riggit Riggit" ?A frog with badly fitting false teeth.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Hummingbirds are birds comprising the family Trochilidae.





Me: let me finish, you’ll never guess who I ran into today.

Jews and Christians believe that true peace comes from a personal relationship with God.

Syrian opposition says attacks by government forces are wrecking the truce deal:  

As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3am and having a cold shower. So I don't.

It pushed water into the Pamlico Sound.

Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

To Go Through Fire And Water (Through Thick And Thin)

Obama makes his first visit to a U.S. mosque to counter Republican rhetoric about Muslims:  

What do you do if your baby comes out black? Cook the next one on a lower temperature.

Sri Lankan nationalists protest U.N. rights chief's visit on war crimes 

Li Bai is best known for the extravagant imagination and striking Taoist imagery in his poetry , as well as for his great love for liquor.

I come from an “all-you-can-eat” family.

Seized Marcos property, jewelry up for sale:  

What invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts

When girls say "let's just be friends" it's like your mom telling you that your dog died but you can still keep it.

Suspected suicide bombers attack market in northern Cameroon; number of dead, injured unclear: local official









Me: Oh, so you did get my text.

Fagin then goes to convince Sykes that his plan is air-tight enough to pay him his money.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable. You give him AIDS

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.





Great parents at least make it one of their own

That awkward moment when you realize the moment is just that.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A nervous wreck.


me: [slowly gliding towards him] I have not

Greece says four of five migrant hotspot centers ready 

Germany takes on Facebook in first-ever competition probe -  













them: please let go of my hands yes

South African President Zuma postpones Iran trip 

As a rule of thumb , use one third as much dried as fresh thyme - a little less if it is ground.

Congolese boy attacked by chimps will undergo a rare double-lip reconstruction in New York:  

Neither attempted to predict new elements.

 China detects first imported Zika case - Xinhua news agency





ME, 30: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency



so, ya like jizz?

Parts of Europe , including much of Scandinavia , never adopted many feudal institutions , including serfdom.

People from the east and west coasts call this part of the country "the heartland" so they can bypass it.

Israel sees Palestinian attacks 'waning'; one killed in West Bank 

U.S. student detained in North Korea 'over hotel incident' 

Bomb kills five soldiers in western Pakistan 

I've got a dog called Curiosity.

It is played with black and white stones on a 15x15 intersection Go board.

A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.

UK economic growth still in the doldrums in February:  

Another band whose members saw the Ramones perform , The Damned , played their first show two days later.

David Bowie dies after 18-month battle with cancer - Twitter account:  


me slowing down to 0.50 mph on the highway: can’t risk it

Despite Libya urgency, hurdles to quick action against Islamic State 

ASEAN says seriously concerned about rising South China Sea tensions 

My second job is killing me, but I can't survive without it. So, you see my dilemma.

Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

Kohl's exploring taking itself private: WSJ  





Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

Whoever stole my body wash better come clean!

'No deal yet' says EU's Tusk after meeting with UK's Cameron 

Irish main opposition leader predicts stable government 

I met my wife at speed dating. She was livid.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup.

I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital..It's a re-warding job.

Preparing for a dentist appointment is so much effort. Brush your teeth, scrub your tongue, trim your nose hair, sacrifice a goat to the God of Enamel

It averages 4 feet long but may grow to be 6 feet long.

The first to do so was Thales , who called this material Water.

the first time I went to the club with my friends, some random guy came up to me and streched out his arms for a hug. I felt bad for him so I hugged him for a few seconds, then he looked at me and said "I'm a bouncer, I was telling you to stretch ur arms out so I can search you"



Anyway, the church will let us set up early for the craft show on Saturday.

The name Anita was later retired.

In American football , a member of the team receiving a punt or kick , may signal for a `` fair catch ''.

Wal-Mart reports in-line fall in quarterly profit 

Sunday is considered the first day of the week in some countries , although today many countries such as the United Kingdom regard Sunday as the seventh day , at least in the working week and the civil week.

Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.











me: [cocking gun] danger pigs that killed my dad





me: omg your dog drew this horse?

Living with microcephaly:  

Very large Francis and Kaplan machines usually have vertical shafts because this makes best use of the available head , and makes installation of a generator more economical.

Food may sometimes make an appearance in the feces.

HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL? CALL OUT "B-52".

The king comes back in at this moment and thinks Haman is assaulting the queen ; this makes him angrier than before and he orders Haman hanged on the gallows that had been prepared for Mordechai.

I am going to see if money really is happiness. I am now taking donations.

How many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

EU security chiefs brace for more Islamist attacks:  

Elvis Presley was clearly illiterate. It's L for Las Vegas, Not V!













pisces - all + weed





ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks

I had three dates today. They were incredible. Three more tomorrow. Thing is, I have to finish this box of dates before it expires.

Lampard has two children , Luna and Isla , with Elen Rives.

Many expatriates and well heeled Singaporeans tend to stay in this region.

Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow

sorry babe, the wii remote wrist strap stays ON during sex 

I don't know why, but someone keeps mysteriously adding soil to my allotment patch each night. The plot thickens.

Hundreds of kids are shipped off to "Mime Boarding School" every year, never to be heard from again.

Groups urge Kerry to work for release of U.S. man 'left behind' after Iran prisoner deal:  

My parents divorced because my mother had an affair with a demolition man. Home wrecker!

Do you know why surgeons use masks? It is to be not recognised again.

A war between the Others and the survivors comes to a head , and the survivors make contact with a rescue team.

What if Taylor Swift and Adele started dating and then broke up?

This is why none of them came to my brunch, isn’t it? Flu season my ass... I CAN’T STAY MAD THEY TOO SESSY #LetsGoToWork

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.









me: *floating off into the distance* ˢᵖᵃᶜᵉ ᶜᵃᵏᵉ

People in the Bishigram Valley speak Torwali and in the Tirat Valley they speak Pashto.

Her mother Mary Fairlee Cooper was a New York socialite.

Additionally , the branch name is displayed beneath the line name.

What do cannibals like to drink in the morning? Bloody Mary

"Criminal Lawyer"  is  redundant.

He Is A Good Friend That Speaks Well Of Us Behind Our Backs

Roses are dead, Violets are dead, I'm shit at gardening.

BSELP003 - Endangered Species LP BSELP3EP1 - Endangered Species LP Part One A. Black Sun Empire - Potemkin B. Black Sun Empire & Noisia - Winter War C. Black Sun Empire - Don't You D. Jade - Acid Flood

Nevada governor rules himself out of Supreme Court consideration 

Do you ever see your face from a different angle and have a mental breakdown?

What do you call a man with a haggis on his head? Scott

Have you heard about those new alphabet hand grenades? If one of those goes off it could spell 'disaster'

Those with myopia see near objects clearly but far away objects appear blurred.

United Technologies quarterly revenue falls 4.5 percent 












HOSTAGE IN TRUNK: You too, officer!

UK economic growth still in the doldrums in February - CBI 

He Is Not Laughed At That Laughs At Himself First

Sewing fake pockets in to women’s clothing is a hate crime.

Uganda rights group receives hundreds of complaints from women about vote 





     I'm going to go now.

They take around three to five years to mature , and may live as long as fifty years.

Enough Is As Good As A Feast





principal: we can’t have that

Mike Tyson was arrested for beating up a pizza waitress. As he was finish eating, she asked "You wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

It must be difficult to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Oh I get it. Fun onions.

Apple CEO Tim Cook opposes court order to help FBI unlock iPhone:  

I just saw a guy in the pub carrying 12 pints of lager. I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.

When I get up on the counters in the breakroom and my boss spritzes me with a spray bottle, it is but a game to me. And you cannot win, sir.

Documents show Bin Laden's wishes for $29 million of his funds, possessions after his death:  

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women

Woman raped by five men in New York City park, police say 



Allow me to explain.

The mezzanine floor has long since disappeared.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Thunder is the sound made by lightning.

Being the only boy in his class to have never kissed a girl , Butters purchases his first kiss from Sally , a girl who gives away kisses for $ 5.

Catholic Church abuse victims call for meeting with Pope  

The book was first published in the US by Poseidon Press in 1982.

Two die in Nepal's second plane crash in two days 

Death of former leader poses potential problems for Nepal:  

For more about the time zones of the U.S. and other time zones see time in the United States and time zone.

If guns don't kill people, people kill people, does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?

Syrian opposition says Kerry applies pressure over peace talks 

South Korea, China defense officials to discuss North Korea test: Yonhap 

In Homer , Rhea is the mother of the gods , though not a universal mother like Cybele , the Phrygian Great Mother , with whom she was later identified.









me: linda....i’m dying

Leicester and Tottenham face huge title tests  

Many Americans unwittingly own a piece of the gun industry. Do you?

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gossip, utter...

Twitter management departures unnerve investors:  

One Hundred and One Dalmatians was first released to theaters on January 25 , 1961.

Okay, I finally watched FLEABAG, it was fine I guess but I have an issue, minor spoilers - at the end, how do I watch anything else or make anything else or live my life or breathe or feel or care or walk or fly did I fly am I here is it me do I live though this now what how but

What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!

Laws Catch Flies, But Let Hornets Go Free

U.S. Supreme Court set to hear challenge to public sector unions 

Also , superposition eyes can achieve greater sensitivity than apposition eyes , so are better suited to dark-dwelling creatures.

Indian student held on sedition charge bailed after free-speech protests 

He That Has He Head Needs No Hat

His wish came true.

Smuggling soars as Venezuela's economy sinks 









me: the mayor said i could

UPDATE: Pope's comments on Trump should not be seen as a personal attack, nor an indication of who to vote for - Papal spokesman

A Quiet Conscience Sleeps In Thunder

quitting caffeine has some unfortunate side effects, like headaches and telling everyone that you've quit caffeine






5. Aaaaaand Send

It was the last full decade of both the 20th century and the 2nd millennium.

Its name is Earthlings : Ugly Bags of Mostly Water.

Asia shares take breather as mood calms a little 

What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates. 








7.

Bold Jack Donahue is recorded as the last convict bushranger.

Some nudibranchs have smooth or warty backs and have no visible gill mechanism , such that respiration may likely take place directly through the skin.

With the amount of money it costs to go see a movie in theaters nowadays you should also get a voucher for a free copy of that movie when it gets released digitally. This has been the musings of an old man.

Senior Pakistani Taliban commander vows more school attacks in  

How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

the goal is to get big enough on twitter that i don’t need google. just tweet out shit like “where the hell is New Hampshire” and get the answers i need from my trusty followers

Better A Little Fire To Warm Us, Than A Great One To Burn Us

Khamenei praises arrest of U.S. sailors, condemns Saudi embassy attack 

I hate when I'm standing there trying to be handsome when some other guy comes and stands next to me and challenges my handsomeness.

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullsh*t.

Former British chief rabbi wins $1.5 million Templeton Prize 



me: *chasing waterfalls*

I wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back and have a show called 32 and a grandma?

I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.

wow. turns out the little t on people’s necklaces just stands for “tits” and i can fully support that. what’s that lil dude hanging out on some of them tho? oh he supports tits too? fucken sweet

Today 's date is.

when life gives you lemons,
make grape juice,
then sit back,
and let the world wonder how you did it.

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!

Having a cold one with the boys, but the boys are my closest companions exhaustion and self-doubt.

I... think I just saw a humming bird go number two. While hovering.

Hungary's Orban says no automatic extension of sanctions against Russia 

It features a new dub cast.

If two friends are named Nathan and they don't call themselves United Nathans then I don't know what's the point of anything.

"What is Luke Skywalker's favorite coffee place? Java the hut!"

Pakistani cricketers. They'll give you a run for your money.

They also have won two Greek Cups and played in an additional two Cup finals.







ME: what

To Build A Fire Under Oneself

Death toll up to 70 from Islamic State attack on Damascus: monitor.  



"Oh my god these people are a mess," she exclaimed, while sitting on the couch, eating a whole rotisserie chicken with her fingers, and wondering where she had put her pants.

France prepares tribute to Charlie Hebdo, Jewish supermarket victims:  

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I hope my husband likes his Father's Day present and also the twelve things I bought for myself while shopping for it.

You Cannot Teach Old Dogs New Tricks

Zoo animals starve in Yemen city shattered by war 

During these blind taste tests the majority of participants picked Pepsi as the better tasting of the two soft drinks.

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE?? WHAT'S NEXT STRAIGHT MARRIAGE???

China's Xi says shares 'common destiny' with Vietnam, looks to repair ties 



(Photos: Igor Shpilenok)

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Islamic State media outlet confirms 'Jihadi John' is dead.

Why do people have hot water heaters? If the waters hot, why heat it?



Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Starbucks stock slips after profit forecast misses Street estimates  

Blasts, gunfight in Indonesian capital; at least three dead 

All dates in 1918 Montreal had won the first half of the NHL split season and Toronto had won the second half.

Kidnapped Al Jazeera journalists freed in Yemen: network 

Caravans must travel via oases so that supplies of water and food can be replenished.

The family contains just four species in two genera , one of which is monotypic.

I hate all this terrorist bollocks! Gone are the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, I'll fucking have that!

When At Rome, Do As The Romans Do

It is home to Troy University.

Wounded Syrian rebels say Russia crippling their insurgency 

Get A Name To Rise Early, And You May Lie All Day

Věžnička was first documented in 1502.

Waiter: Sorry about that guys but we did warn you it gets WILD in here. Anyway my names Rob can I start you with some Ultimate Nachos?

EU seeks tough curbs on airline subsidies in aviation agreements - document  

You guys know when you open voice to text and it starts typing words you didn't say like "you will know suffering" and "I am behind you" hashtag relatable am I right guys?

I had an argument with my friend about his small boat. We fell out.

Jonas Renkse of Katatonia , a long-time friend of Åkerfeldt , suggested writing music for two separate albums - one heavy and one soft.

White House says President Obama discusses N. Korea regularly with Chinese President Xi; says they agree on this issue

Bought myself a universal remote control last night. This could change everything..

The brothers and their friends then began to work for other independent companies.

Dognapping on the rise in petloving Brazil  

Fecundation is another term for fertilization.


Me: my resume talks??

Learn Wisdom By The Follies Of Others

A few weeks ago, two cartoonists entered a contest. The result was a draw.

I've been engaged quite a few times, but never took the plunge. There have been quite a few near Mrs.

So my girlfriend asked me for something that could go
From 0-200 in 5 seconds. I gave her a bathroom scale.

These moths have thin bodies and large wings like many butterflies but may be distinguished easily by structural differences in their antennae.

Suspected Islamist militants kill Hindu priest in Bangladesh 

My wife left me because of my obsession with Star Wars. Regret that she will.

The British Library adds some three million items every year.

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

They were mainly single units but one was a three-car articulated set.

Italian student showed signs of electrocution - Egypt forensic source 

The oldest set was , by then , just over 47 years old.

Do the Chinese people who visit America realize they bought souvenirs made in their own country?

Regulators approve health study on huge California gas leak 

Yen, bonds, gold all gain at dollar's expense, stocks slump:  

Allergan reports higher-than-expected fourth-quarter revenue 

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.

Back in my day you couldn't just delete a song you didn't like from a playlist, you had to physically drive to the artist’s house and kill them. I miss those days.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Head ruling heart - UK's pro-Europe chief plots hardest sale yet:







Me - what, now?





Me: what

Pope's "not Christian" comments on Trump weren't a personal attack: papal spokesman  

My mate's been offered a job in North Korea. He's going to take it, but I think it's a bad Korea move.

This template works almost exactly like , see there.

Don't worry, Mayans. If you get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.

There's a new TV show about a plane hijacking. They just shot the pilot last week.

I think I speak for everyone on Twitter when I say blah blah blah blah.

It features two new songs from Phil Collins and takes place during the song `` Son of Man '' from the first film.

Mexico says Sean Penn meeting was 'essential' to finding kingpin Chapo  

Wininger is considered as one of the greatest Jewish biographers of all time.

I used to be very indecisive!! But now I'm not so sure.

He serves without pay . ''

"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said halfheartedly.

Many gyms offer a wide variety of aerobic classes for participants to take.

Candidates have taken the stage for the GOPdebate. Live coverage here 

North Korea says detains U.S. student for 'hostile act' 

Oregon activists picked the wrong battle, militia leaders say  





me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward

Anagrams can be a POTENT FORCE. Sometimes they're NOT PERFECT

Love Will Creep Where It May Not Go

I'm having car trouble. I can't afford to put the gas in.



lemonade stand child: no

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

What happened when customers complained about the bright lights in the Chinese restaurant? The manager decided to dim sum.

It uses another template named.


And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before

I was gonna tell a joke about a cookie. But it's too crummy.

They may have used fire to cook their meat.

Facebook revenue jumps 51.7 percent as mobile drives ad sales 

Britain does not plan to deploy combat troops in Libya to support a proposed national unity government - Hammond.

Aston Martin picks Welsh site to make new crossover DBX:  

Ex-Haiti coup leader says to fight 'anarchists,' unrest spreads 

Republican presidential campaign turns nastier; Paul drops out 

He illustrated many books penned by Theodor Seuss Geisel under the pen name Theo.

Carter - U.S-led coalition needs to take back Mosul and Raqqa:  

 U.S. stocks finish higher in late rally after sliding as much as 1 percent  

I just bought my wife a length of rope with a bucket on the end. I'm sure it'll go down well.

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

We Shall See What We Shall See

What do you call a fat psycic? A four chin teller

This is a real shot in the new Jonas Brothers music video and like, no one is talking about it

Poland clouds NATO's nuanced Russia plan 



Me: *remote control out of reach* I guess not.

We live a society where obesity is uprising and skinny jeans are a fad. Please help me.





me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

It is best represented in the tropics but there are species in every region.

Up to 90 million more Takata airbag inflators may face U.S. recalls

Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.

The Morning Sun Never Lasts A Day

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

Anti-immigrant 'Soldiers of Odin' raise concern in Finland 

Aluminium in food may be absorbed more than aluminium from water.

Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.

What did the bad plant say to the good plant? I've turned over a new leaf.

Suspected Islamist gunmen hold hostages at hotel in Burkina capital 

Tougher lending standards pose risk to outlook for Fed 

China's nuclear envoy in North Korea amid sanctions push: KCNA 

Many authorities place them all in a single subfamily , Sigmodontinae.

My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.

Israel's Netanyahu defends gas deal in rare Supreme Court visit 

Nevertheless , it didn't take long for Caesar to abscond again ; on 22 December he ran away from the island with a week 's worth of food by canoe.

The Great Prince takes Bambi to a forest glade , saying that this was the place where he first met Bambi 's mother . Bambi asks what the Great Prince was like when he was Bambi 's age , and the Great Prince says that he was a lot like Bambi.

I've been hard at work all day. I had no idea viagra lasted so long!

It really bugs me that OCD isn't alphabetized.

Cheung was born in Hong Kong to a Chinese father and a half Chinese-half British mother.

Another visible property is exponential growth.

Jail to jihad: The Indonesian prison system that breeds militancy.  

U.S.'s Kerry says two local employees, soldiers, killed in Pakistan blast 

I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only two Quidditch.



THESE DON'T BRING ME JOY!

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Many of its early authors were the children of Jewish immigrants from Europe.

you see me reading a book upsidedown and sneer at my ineptitude until you realise it is I,  7 times state upsidedown reader champion

To keep tea pots hot after tea is first brewed , early English households employed the Tea Cosy , a padded fabric covering , much like a hat , that slips over the tea pot.

What did Santa say to the hooker? "Fuck the chimney, I'm cumming down her throat!"

Eros was one of the first asteroids to be visited by a spacecraft , and the first to be orbited and soft-landed on.


George Harrison: 

Craft beer so hip it was strained through the used socks of Mumford and Sons.



Dude who really loves weed: no it didnt

The leg never healed properly.

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

Three men are running along the riverside , one of them stops to take a drink from the river.

One way to battle a tornado is to shoot it with a hair dryer in the opposite direction

Word to the Women: It ain't the clothes that make you fat.

Whats the difference between a fish and a piano? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!

Did Adam and eve have belly buttons?

During the time it was developed to the `` World Money Fair ''.

`` Nothing to Say '' features drop D tuning , which would become a signature of Soundgarden 's sound on later albums.



me: *lying down on chair* i blame my parents

Austria wants to press ahead to protect its borders: paper 

I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.

You’re not a disney princess you’re 36 years old

 North Korea conducts hydrogen nuclear test: North Korea TV

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Condoms come in three sizes. Small, medium, and liar.

PARACHUTE FOR SALE! As new, unopened - small red patch

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well? Clever Dick

Tokyo Sexwale pulls out before first round of FIFA presidential vote

Hello the media, hope you’re all listening. With headlines like “bans all male writer’s room” you open the floodgates for shit comments from idiots making the leap that women aren’t good enough to be in those rooms & we all spend a day being reminded that we’re seen as inferior.





°•°  | °•°

See Old Shawneetown , Illinois for the historical village.

got a cool car? i don’t like it!



gf: pls put me down

Many indigenous people lack title to land where they live, research shows 

You come home and your boyfriend is tweeting homophobic inflammatory shit about children wyd?

Martin Shkreli insults Congress on Twitter after refusing to testify:  

On the other hand , if you would just like them to be moved back , then by all means ask at Requested moves.

At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"

how has this show not been canceled yet

Marriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand.

one time I was gettin head from this girl and when I nutted in her mouth she said “bro change ur diet”

An old man , George Bernard Shaw , was swimming naked holding onto a buoy.

Cleavage - It's like the sun. It's okay to look, but dangerous to stare.



kid who will definitely die in 12 minutes: what are you  C H I C K E N

Seldom give up on your dreams.

V. He that is found Guilty of Gaming , or Defrauding one another to the value of a Royal of Plate , shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.

We always called my grandad Spiderman. It's not because he had any superpowers, he just couldn't get out of the bath.

Somali Islamists say set off car bomb, stormed hotel in capital 









wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY



Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

The season finale was on May 14 , 2006 with the votes revealed live from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York.

U.S. exonerations hit record high as more troubled cases probed 

I intend to live forever or die trying!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

[turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later

For a few months in early 2006 , he coached Real Sociedad 's first team.

Chicago releases videos of police shooting of black teen 

Me, 3 hours late for work: omg I hit EVERY red light, sorry

His time at college changed his life : `` It changed what I believe and what I think about everything.

I call my son ‘the clitoris’ when we play hide and seek because I can never find him

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

Lucretius used the word in the sense `` everything rolled into one , everything combined into one ''.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.

U.N. council votes to reduce Ivory Coast peacekeepers  

Because in reality , I don't like strip clubs.

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

Italy's Renzi rejects Church interference in gay civil unions debate 







Interviewer: but you don’t have a college degree, yikes

What's yellow and square?A tomato in disguise.

I stink. I haven't showered since last year. #happynewyears


arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s

A Good Deed Is Never Lost



ME: yOu'Re WaKiNg Up iN 7 hOuRs fuck you

Anti-Islam movement PEGIDA stages protests across Europe 

Iraq sentences 40 to death over Islamic State's mass killing of captured soldiers 

Lie was born in Kristiania on 16 July 1896.

To Flog A Dead Horse

As Mr Peanut left his house, he said to his wife, "see you, I'll be back in a Jif"

North Korea feels global pressure but not completely ostracized 

What we know about the hours leading up to 'El Chapo's' capture:  

What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador.

Soda bread is a type of quick bread in which bread soda is used for leavening rather than the more common yeast.

Many compositions include acoustic guitar interludes and strong dynamic shifts , as well as both growling and clean vocals.

She has one brother , Robby , and two sisters , Carrie and Lori.







Guy in the trunk: *muffled laughter*

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to charge the bill.

Dating question: how long should you wait before you show them your bomb shelter?

A Drop In The Bucket

Why Donald Trump won't be taking part in the Republican debate in Iowa:  





D: [kicks body] Piece a shit





My dog:

I am launching a new anti-social network called Get Out Of My Face Book.

I put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.

I only drink thicc water, but sometimes I get thiccups

Three binary operations.





MY MOUTH: I'm planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

The two movements share some principles like preparedness and promotion of sports and outdoor skills.

Gays complain that Hell’s Kitchen bars are terrible but 9th Avenue Saloon continues to SLAP. Always FREE popcorn, a bookshelf full of FREE socialist literature, and right now VODKA IS ALSO FREE. Open your damn EYES!!!!

She performs two of the songs on.

Prosecutor recommends life in prison for former Chad ruler 

To Pay One Back In One's Own Coin

Asia stocks drop as banking sector concerns smoulder, yen stands tall  

China says its warships to join major U.S.-hosted naval drills 

They supported White Lies , Friendly Fires and Glasvegas on the tour.

Doctor's Note: This man is unstable and cannot read. He forced me to write this note and he thinks it says he's a warlock. Do not eat or drink anything he gives you.

Ubuntu Live USB Creator is an official tool to create Live USBs of Ubuntu from the Live CD or from an iso image.

Why did Michael Jackson start the race 10 minutes late? He wanted to come in a little behind.

The water boils rapidly and ejects the burning material as a fine spray of droplets.

brainfart.mp4

Girls have tea time, guys have tee time.

Congolese army attacked U.N. troops meeting Islamist rebels: U.N. 

U.S. West Point academy swears in first woman commandant of cadets 

I like lions manely because of their hair.

Born in Ajaccio , Corsica , she goes by the stage name Alizée - the feminine form of alizé , the trade wind.

Eventually , Long got tired of these shenanigans , and at No Way Out 2006 , Booker was told to face Chris Benoit or be stripped of the US title.


not like, outwardly. just for me.









@Jonesy_donkey

U.N. to announce new Syria talks date on Friday: envoy 

Polish president backs communist spy allegations against Lech Walesa 

Emerging markets as chilly as the Davos mountains:  

Iran arrests father of jailed U.S. citizen: family 

Best known for his work as the Andy Hardy character , Rooney has had one of the longest careers of any actor.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me. I thought, well thats a little condescending.

Montenegrin PM survives confidence vote, but partner deserts 

There are several reasons you don’t like flowers, but mostly you like being the person who announces she doesn’t like flowers.

My mother told me there were some cuties in the fridge. I got all excited, ran to the fridge and opened the door. But all I saw were oranges

What do you call a woman covered in grass. Lawna

Major 7.9 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia: USGS. 

A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."



he scream

 UK PM Cameron's spokesman says UN decision on Julian Assange would not be legally binding.

Like that episode where Michael Scott realizes he’s wearing a women’s suit but it’s me and the sunglasses I’ve had for a year.

no this is me after i help my dad bring in the groceries and it’s cat litter week

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

Live And Learn






Origami Artist: i fold

I dont know what all this planking business is about, I just know Snoopy started it.



Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

This violin had been stolen twice from the previous owner , Bronisław Huberman ; the last time the thief confessed to the act on his deathbed.

Better Deny At Once Than Promise Long

Matched with a guy on Tinder and he asked my favorite restaurant and I said “Cicis Pizza.” He hasn’t responded in 6 days.

I've been asked out by a number of hot women in my time. 0 is a number, right?..

The eastern part is lower , and is a well known wine region . The German Wine Route passes through the Palatinate wine region.

Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example, Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.

Avocados weren’t invented until 2012. Don’t believe me? Go ask your parents what their favourite avocado drink was when they were kids and I bet they can’t answer.

I bloody hate flash mobs.One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe.

Brexit, Brussels and the art of dealmaking 

Queen Sophie was a loving mother , nursing her children personally during their illnesses.

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

Oil prices move away from 12-year lows as China shares rise  

In 1979 , Sogyal Rinpoche chose the name Rigpa - the innermost , essential nature of mind - for his work.

Ex-drug executive Shkreli hires lawyer to celebrities for fraud case 

If you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces already.

Taiwan president flies to disputed island in South China Sea  

China arrests its most prominent woman rights lawyer for subversion:  

`` There 's No Disgrace Like Home '' is the fourth episode of The Simpsons first season.

It is better to put information on your user page rather than in your signature.





BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.

Longtime black San Francisco church faces eviction amid gentrification  

Who is this feat. Guy? He's in a lot of songs.

How come you can drink a drink but not food  a food?

Yo mama is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.

Yo mama is so fat, that when she stepped on a scale, it said "to be continued"

One of the best things about living I Sweden? Well, the flag is a big plus.

Why don't robot chickens play basketball? Too many technical fowls 

My wife said she was in the mood for something a bit unusual in the bedroom tonight. So I dragged the dishwasher up there.

One theory has it that the expression derives from Celtic 's first game in 1888 , which was played against Rangers . A newspaper report stated that both sets of players `` got on so well that you would believe that they were old firm friends . ''

Many of the generalizations noted above do not hold true for some schools of jujutsu . Old schools of Japanese jujutsu include :

The two valleys are Mattertal and Saastal.

Your relaxation app makes me itchy.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese













Me: look we've both moved on

Lavrov: Russia won't stop Syria strikes until 'terrorists' defeated 

Knock, knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine thank you Hawaii you?

He Laughs Best Who Laughs Last

Why do old men have such bad language? They do "cross" words.

A Man Can Do No More Than He Can

How does a medium talk with shoes?
She converses

The combination of new weapons and tactics have caused many historians to consider this battle the beginning of the end of classic chivalry.

I like to wear my glasses when I'm having sex. That way my eyes are protected from the pepper spray.

telling these kindergartner’s they can’t use the tire swing bc their vibes are so fucking wack today they’re all crying but that’s life in the real world



me: yes

Western New Guinea is the western half of the island of New Guinea.

Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo? A lion called another a cheetah.  Personally, I think he was lion.

Afghanistan fails to improve human rights: watchdog 

Not only were shell fish available from the sea , but the many swamps and creeks in the district would have yielded birds , fish , eels , eggs and snakes . Early white settlers in the region noted plenty of kangaroos and possums , which would also have been a source of food.

Neyland is often referred to as one of the best , if not the best , defensive football coaches ever.

Yes I am aware that Real Dictators™ often have lots of propaganda talking about how they're the big ruler forever, but this is America, it's still weird here

At the end of Yom Kippur , one considers one 's self absolved by God.

Slicing up a watermelon for the kids and eating a few pieces as I go along until I realize I ate the whole thing.

The only time I smile when I have done something wrong, is when I have found someone to blame it on.

I think my computer is female. She's always correcting my mistakes and telling me how to fix them.

Awesome.

Aircraft carry out strikes on Libya's Sabratha city, 40 killed: local official 

Two lesbians barged into the house and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help but I could only knock one out.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

My house cleaner is getting really annoying. She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.

Red Bull performed well , scoring 11 points after the first two events.

Walloon in Walloon Brabant is likely one of the first uses of the word.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

Innocent until proven canceled

Japan Bans Flying Drones While Drunk https://trib.al/wv2V8ZV  #WhatDoYouThink?

See for reference.



Him: THAT MAKES ME ANGRY ABOUT <insert personal agenda here>

On 11 August 2009 Ryanair announced it would set up a new base at Leeds Bradford , initially basing two aircraft at the airport offering 17 routes from March 2010.

The APT-E consisted of two driving power cars and two trailer cars.

U.S. government files motion seeking court order to compel Apple to assist in unlocking iPhone of San Bernardino shooter

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

Turkey's pro-Kurdish opposition will join work on new constitution 

god I’m so Rich

Weird people citing Jo Cox to defend Mark Field, effectively citing the murder of one woman by a man to justify the assault of another woman by a man.

A megasecond is one million seconds.

There's Many A Slip 'Tween (== Between) The Cup And The Lip

Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films? "Ok" I said. "Here's Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"

 U.S. has determined North Koreans conducted some kind of nuclear test: White House

Why did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity? The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills.  "I'm an anti-climb Max."

 Boeing nears decision to self-fund more F/A-18 fighters  

How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.

The swine flu in humans is most contagious during the first five days of the illness although some people , most commonly children , can remain contagious for up to ten days.

Indian trucks cross freely into Nepal for first time in four months 

They need to rename hand sanitiser “dick stinger”

UK regulators say won't apply EU bonus cap to all banks:  

‎If you want to get something done, give it to a busy man.










me: "goddamnit dad"

He Who Pleased Everybody Died Before He Was Born

 Zika virus outbreak worse than believed, says Brazil's Health Minister.  

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

On the showdown , each player plays the best poker hand they can make from the seven cards comprising his two hole cards and the five community cards . A player may use both of his own two hole cards , only one , or none at all , to form his final five-card hand.

Keyring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.

The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Without the telephone , one could not have a conversation across long distances ; and without the sanctified image in the temple , one can not easily talk with the Deity . ''

Iranian authorities arrest father of U.S. citizen jailed in Iran since October: family statement

Love Cannot Be Forced

as of today i have OFFICIALLY LOST ALL THE WEIGHT I GAINED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE !!!!!! IN A HEALTHY WAY!!!!!!!!  YEAHHHHH BOYYYYY

My wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

Hockey is a goth sport, it's cold, you run on knives & usually there is blood.

My mate just lost his job at the pet shop. The boss caught him with his hand in the trill.

my cat isn’t allowed in the bedroom so she just sits outside it and glares at me

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!



Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Contaminated Flint water among most expensive in the U.S.: report 

Cuba deploys army in effort to avoid Zika virus 

Whatever your creed be , I will adore it and pray To be awaken together with you on Judgement Day Rise up once more to kiss your white throat that I may Don't pass for one more trice , my fair , don't pass by.

What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalepeño face. 

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

However , because of diseases and bad harvests , the last wine grapes were raised in Kreuzlingen in 1938.

The importance of visual input for balance is illustrated by its being harder to stand on one foot with eyes closed than with eyes open.

Dog drivers , however , have a long history of using other breeds or crossbreds as sled dogs.

Russia says Ukraine has until March 4 to counter lawsuit 

British police arrest nine after anti-immigration clashes in Dover 



me: so sorry, I had fun three weeks ago and honestly I’m still recovering from a roller coaster of emotions

Onegin arrives to see Tatyana and give her his answer to her letter.

Police officers were portrayed as idiots who couldn't see even obvious clues.

To Lock The Stable-Door After The Horse Is Stolen

A relatively new technology , tidal stream generators draw energy from currents in much the same way that wind generators do.

- Why does an elephant have 4 feet?  Because 8 inches isn't enough

Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and goes, "Blublublub!"

Saw a psychic yesterday but after 30 mins of her constantly laughing at me I punched her in the face. I always like to strike a happy medium.

Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is: You need to buy a different size bra.

Car bomb explodes in Damascus market, several killed: Syrian TV 

They changed the band 's name to Shirley Temple 's Pussy and performed under this name for a short time , but then changed the name again due to record label pressure.

Such Carpenters, Such Chips

Suicide bombing kills 27 at Shi'ite funeral in east Iraq. More here:  

Canada signals it will reengage with Russia despite Ukraine 





me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Keep Your Mouth Shut And Your Ears Open

Groups want U.S. to adopt strong broadband privacy rules 

Folks dating is NOT hard if you shift your mindset from I hope he chooses me, to he better hope I choose him.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

At least three children have been born in Antarctica , albeit in stations north of the Antarctic Circle . See Demographics of Antarctica.

Peacekeepers accused of abusing children in Central African Republic: U.N. 

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

It also has a long , yellow , deeply forked tongue.

If you’re having trouble kicking your junk food habit and sugary drinks, try replacing that pleasure with more healthy pleasures, like a walk through the forest or vandalizing a confederate statue.

J&amp;J sales fall on strong dollar 

Him: You're sexy!
Her: And I Know it!
Him: LMFAO, good one!

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Commission releases disputed 2014 Afghan election results 

When Aryabhatta checked my exam papers, he invented zero.

Indian soldier found alive after six days buried under avalanche dies 

Lee grabs Phoenix Open lead, Mickelson five back  

Great Cry And Little Wool

U.S. officials say cannot confirm Americans detained in Saudi Arabia 

Haryana protesters keep up blockade; Delhi water restored  





Me: Buddy, I don't care how slutty your sea cows are

Still no deal for Britain on EU reforms after all-night talks:  

Open proxies may be blocked on sight according to the policy on open proxies.

Her first recording for Decca was `` Lover Man '' and `` No More ''.

What do you call a man who always wins? Victor!

Film Academy pledges to double membership of women, minorities by 2020 

My boss:Ive noticed u nodding off during meetings recently.r u getting enough sleep?
Me:Not really,the meetings are a lot shorter these days

A day or two later , in broken hilly country full of water-courses , they had great difficulty in finding a road for the loaded carts , deciding on 27 October to abandon them.

"I'M LEAVING TWITTER!" *does walk downstairs behind couch thing*

BBC culture allowed Savile to commit sex crimes, but no evidence of a cover-up: report 

Bosnia eyes closure of radical Islamic centers over links to Syria militants 

Me trying to adapt to any social situation and societal norms.

I don't hate you, but If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.









Cars: Cars

Laptop bomb may have blown hole in Somali plane: U.S. officials 

It Is A Poor Mouse That Has Only One Hole

Japan econmin Ishihara - Yen gains due to safe-haven flows  

When I'm president all my executive orders will be delivered via Twitch while I mess up online games of Red Dead Redemption by obsessively petting horses that don't belong to me.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless.

U.S. assets to track expected North Korean space launch: Carter 

With little warning , a second earthquake of magnitude 5.1 May 18 triggered a massive collapse of the north face of the mountain.

Polish president Duda has accused Russia of fomenting a new Cold War:  







And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™

Bangladesh observes Daylight saving time.

Islamic State attack shuts Syrian govt supply route for second day 

Syrian opposition rules out indirect talks before goodwill steps:  

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? They never get the house anyway. 

New government school blown up in Pakistan's restive northwest 

What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around

What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching

Female suicide bombers kill over 60 people in northeast Nigeria: officials. 

South China Sea takes center stage at U.S.-ASEAN summit:  

 New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ending presidential campaign: Senior aide 

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.

These include the carnival , held every Summer and the carols at the Market Place.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator! But I've never actually gotten around to doing it.

Dollman 's Tree Mouse Dollman 's Vlei Rat are named after him.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk.

I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only a Quidditch.

Italy may recall student murder probe team from Egypt over lack of cooperation: judicial source 

Philippines still seeks $1 billion in Marcos wealth 30 years after his ouster 

If 14th March was truly a Pi Day, then it would never end.

Suspect in ambush of Philly cop claimed to have pledged allegiance to Islamic State: police  

Britain pledges extra $1.75 billion for Syria before donor conference 





Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

if you or a loved one is afraid of Smoking a Weed because of your job, here’s a tip: just say you went to Colorado ya dingus. it’s legal there. say you go every weekend if that’s what it takes. officer smells weed in your car? you just bought the thing! from colorado!

I'm quitting eating these Thanksgiving leftovers; cold turkey.

Forewarned Is Forearmed

The Normal School Act of 1857 was passed on the last day of session on 20 May 1857.

*event happens* but how does this affect Me, the Protagonist of Reality

Bind The Sack Before It Be Full

Why were the Paul Walker jokes removed from the Bieber Roast? Paul Walker has already been roasted.

Harper Lee, author of 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' dies:  

Myanmar brings forward date for presidential nominations to March 10 

The Canadiens won the first half , and Toronto the second half.

Did you hear about the Republican Fried Chicken fast food restaurant? All they serve are right wings and a**holes.

What do you call a Bear that's missing an ear? A 'B'

EU's Juncker 'quite confident' of EU deal with Britain 

Where There's A Will, There's A Way

Syria's opposition says cannot attend talks if third party joins 

He allowed 22 hits , 1 home run , and 9 walks.

Guide dogs are assistance dogs trained to lead blind and vision impaired people around obstacles.

Volkswagen likely to buy back 115,000 cars in U.S: German report 













Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

It’s fucked up how kids have factory-setting facial features and then they grow up and that shit changes in weird ways. Just like a totally unexpected nose. Didn’t see that coming, did you Tommy

When a player takes three or four moves to accomplish what castling would have accomplished in one move , it is sometimes called artificial castling , or castling by hand.

I think it's about darts

What word becomes shorter when you add letters to it? Short.

A dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. The librarian said "Yes, it's on the top shelf"

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters but found over 15,000 matches

The input must be unformatted numeric values.

Britain and Bill Gates pledge 3 billion pounds to fight malaria:  

In Yemen war, hospitals bombed to rubble, starvation spreads 

Sunderland's Johnson admits one count of sexual activity with child 

It is named after one of the Alkyonides ; the name means flowery.

Weismann is much admired today.

The Great Egret , also known as the Great White Egret or Common Egret or Great White Heron , and called kōtuku in New Zealand , is a large egret.

OPPO, Vivo snap at Apple's heels in China mobile market  

You compliment your friend on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't talk to you anymore. WTF?

Whats pink and wrinkly, and hangs out your pants? Your Mum.

Restored Jimi Hendrix apartment opens to public in London 

Burundi keeps seat on security body, complicating peacekeeper plan 

Lavigne 's mother was the first to spot young Lavigne 's talent.





Me: no

'Affluenza' teen faces Texas hearing on move to adult jail 

Each year since 1980 , the BBC has set aside one evening of programming on its flagship television channel , BBC One , to show events aimed at raising money exclusively destined for charities working with children in the UK.

Today , Mali is one of the most politically and socially stable countries in Africa.

U.S. air strikes aid Afghan forces against Islamic State 

Seven Russian missiles struck Syria's Azaz, death toll to exceed 14: Turkish official - 

Wall Street has worst start to year ever  

Philippines considers two-way sea talks with China - if wins case at The Hague 

He played the viola da gamba at this time , as well as the cello.


Me:

Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

What has four legs and flies? A dead hamster.

We need a president with the courage to touch a hot stove, burn his hand, then touch it again mere seconds later to make sure it's still hot

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

Stock futures tumble as China allows yuan to fall further raising concerns:  

Today I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.









M: I despise you

At the end of the season , he was named to the First All-Star team for the first time , and won the Vezina Trophy for the third time , tying George Hainsworth 's all-time mark with three victories.




Melting cheese into a tasty queso sludge

Satellite images show arrival of fuel trucks at North Korea launch site: think tank 

Japan's Amari says stepping down as economy minister:  

My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It taurus apart.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.

Two Presidents have been women and most have come from the older member states.

Happy New Year everyone... Think I may have premature congratulation.

This morning I met a dog with a job, which means he's already more successful than several of my exes.

yall r forreal 20+ yrs old and u still hate tomatoes. like an infant. Like a small idiot child. grow up u moron losers

Italian student missing in Egypt likely dead: Italian foreign ministry 

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.

Traditionally they play in red and white striped shirts with black shorts and red and white socks.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

I flex on life by going to bed when it’s still light outside

Brazil justice minister to quit as Lula probe tension grows - sources  

As the plot progresses , Napoleon makes two new friends from high school , Deb and Pedro . Deb is a shy and sensitive girl who seems to take a liking to Napoleon.

Republicans are picking sides over Trump's rift with Fox News in GOPdebate 

Belgium find video of nuclear official in search for Paris attack clues 

Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

My party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

I don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.

New Zealand English is the form of the English language used in New Zealand.

Today is , and the current time is.

Best planted between two and four weeks after the average last frost , Big Max pumpkins typically become ripe 110 to 120 days after sowing.

And Lord , haste the day when my faith shall be sight , The clouds be rolled back as a scroll ; The trump shall resound , and the Lord shall descend , Even so , it is well with my soul.



Paramedics: sir that’s windex

Oil prices jump, shrug off equity slump, glut concerns  










                         a. Teeth

Russia committed not to attack moderate Syrian groups: U.S. official 

My reality check bounced.

Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high? A lot of expenses are in curd.

Let's all get drunk and correct each other's grammar.

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.

He Is Not Poor That Has Little, But He That Desires Much

Zuckerberg says learned from Germany about defending migrants 

Congrats high school grads! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the rest of your life.

An Open Door May Tempt A Saint

Beware of alphabet grenades! They could spell disaster!

Tunisia says breaks up militant cell linked to Islamic State 

Eurotunnel wants France, UK to pay migrant crisis bill:  

What do you call a woman who stands straddling a river? Bridgette.

The two `` triangles '' border at one point , a quadripoint.

The Scalded Dog Fears Cold Water

Granz helped solidify her position as one of the leading live jazz performers.

If one person is penetrated by two objects , it is generically called double penetration.

They eat invertebrates and small vertebrates.

Many of the president 's biblical references in his comments to Dr. Jacobs appear to have come from an open letter to Dr. Schlessinger , circulated online in early May 2000.

The Dutch Have Taken Holland ! 

U.S. military says captured soldiers were held at gunpoint:  

Follow the leader? Germany struggles as Syria, refugee crises rage 

The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.

Pope Francis asks Iran to help stop the spread of terrorism.  

Australia, New Zealand urge China show restraint in South China Sea:  

if you wanna kiss please dm

What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common? They both suck.

I bet You I can stop gambling.

MAN I hope no one saw me snoopy dance just now @CobieSmulders

When I was born I was so smart I got my parents to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.

Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi.

My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then we met.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Biden pledges faster U.S. approval for cancer drug cocktails at Davos2016 :  

How do you warm a room up thats just been painted? Give it a 2nd coat.

Astley recorded `` Never Gonna Give You Up '' on his 1987 album Whenever You Need Somebody.

I have to use a stepladder since my real ladder left when I was young.

Asia shares slump as China sets yuan lower, triggers circuit breaker  

What's the difference between a mistress and a wife? About 30 pounds.

Rome central train station evacuated because of terror alert: police 

U.S. Vice President Biden chides Turkey over freedom of expression 

The first European settlement of the Peninsula was Port Arthur in the early 1830s.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Following the 1966 season , Switzer moved to the University of Oklahoma as an assistant coach under new Head Coach and good friend Jim Mackenzie.

The Great Seal was first used publicly in 1782.

From calves , oxen are chosen with horns since the horns hold the yoke in place when the oxen lower their heads , back up , or slow down.

This is the stupidest day in American history, a record that will be broken by every subsequent day in American history.

Ivorian ex-president's war crimes trial opens, supporters protest 

I love you. I love other words, too.

I only trust people who like big butts.

Cause they can not lie.

Then the two covenants go different ways.

Post-flight nap-hair And ready for Paris https://www.instagram.com/p/ByYPmpKh9lJ/?igshid=tv2101krtz79 …

Grateful to be living in the "Tetris when it's going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up" era of human history

OH MY GOD!!! NO!!! REALLY???? FUCKING HELL!!!! etc... and so on...

UK parliamentary committee to invite Google to testify about a back tax deal:   

I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

A particular aircraft may fly several different flights in one day , and different aircraft may be used for the same flight number on successive days.

On one episode of the show , he hit Jimmy Snuka over the head with a coconut , leading to a feud between the two men.

Each segment that has two pairs of legs is a result of two single segments fused together as one.

Have you seen the new film called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.

Cash probably won't exist in a decade according to this leader at Davos 

In 1954 Foucault published his first book , Maladie mentale et personnalité , a work which he would later disavow.

The narrator , however , begins to hear a faint noise.

He Will Never Set The Thames On Fire

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

So what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family? At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!

I don't care what my family gets me for Father's Day as long as they don't waste $7 on a gift bag and tissue paper to put it in.

EU designs permanent outer circle to keep Britain in 

Hill sees more Mercedes dominance ahead  

Syrian opposition will attend Geneva peace talks: Al-Arabiya TV 

Yo, Indiana, what are you doing this weekend? Come visit me at @IndyPopCon Sat & Sun!

What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? Honey I'm home

There , Longfellow met Nathaniel Hawthorne , who would later become his lifelong friend.

Did you hear about the new "emo" grass? People love it because it cuts itself.

What we know about North Korea's announcement of its first H-bomb test 

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco

EU leaders urge pause in Syrian fighting, end to Russia bombing  



It’s a mythical what?

Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven














                    

For its first two seasons the show was part of a revived TGIF comedy block.

U.S. agencies say 2015 was the hottest year ever by the widest margin on record: 


Sanctions lifted, Iran's Rouhani heads to Europe to drum up business 

A guide to asbestos in the home.

I just watched the entire P90X series and didn't lose a single pound. What a scam!

What does R. Kelly say when he's mad at his kid? Urine trouble. 

'Cooler heads must prevail' - Anti-government groups urge calm after Oregon occupier killed:  

Why did Dracula go to the doctors?Because of his coffin.

It is home to the Opéra Bastille.

Reply to this tweet and I will tell you the exact circumference of your next shit.

It’s a shame wealth isn’t measured in taco bell mild sauce packets accrued over one’s lifetime.

Greece will not be turned into warehouse of migrants: PM Tsipras 

Top al Qaeda commander killed in Yemen drone strikes: residents 

The 2008 festival was attended by 17,500 people over two days , with 2,500 campers.







my boss: i swear i'd fire you right now if you weren't so goddamn chill

Beuchat is an international company.

Mary had a little lamb, and then she had dessert.

What's the definition of a will? Come on, guys. The answer's a dead giveaway. 

The Saints ' Way follows the probable route of early Christian travellers making their way from Ireland to the Continent.

But for a very brief introduction by way of an example , see the Water for Life Decade page and click on `` edit '' to see the source text.

Outside of Europe , he conducted at the Metropolitan Opera in New York as well as the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.

Stockholm police investigating explosion outside shopping center 

The work on metal vases took on a new fullness : the artists competed among themselves with great virtuosity.

To Fit Like A Glove

New Boy Band “No Direction “#BBCOurNextPM

You feel like fans have paid their money and they expect you to come out and play them your songs like the first time you ever played them.

Myanmar's Suu Kyi lauds choice of ethnic and army-backed parliamentary speakers 

Tracy , however , seems to have been her true love.

Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Tread

The Document may contain zero Invariant Sections.

But when the fullness of time had come , God sent his Son , born of a woman , born under the law ...

Its name is thought to come from the original Portuguese name for this cape , `` Raso '' , or `` bare ''.

I never knew what kind of day we were going to have ... would she be cooperative or obstructive ? ''

The only thing easier to pick up when it's heavy is women.

Death: *putting sunscreen on his horse*

The name Beloeil or Belœil is the name of two municipalities.

Pope visits Rome synagogue, condemns violence in name of religion 













“No you shut up”

As the Roman Empire expanded northwards , Rome began to take interest in Britain.

Kurds say investigating suspected Islamic State chemical attack in Iraq 

White House officials to meet with tech executives to discuss militants' use of social media  

Yo mama is so worn out, she has to have a baby just to get off.

Martin Luther King pictured in Air Force base shooting event flier 

I went on the lamb because i got tired of fucking the sheep.

Malaysia Airlines resumes checked baggage on Europe routes  

House GOP readies legal action to stop Obama Guantanamo plan

Her first novel was nominated for the Best First Novel Agatha Award in 2007.

Aikido is often translated as `` the Way of unifying life energy '' or as `` the Way of harmonious spirit . ''

Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet. He just scares the shit out of it!

They plan to go after hibernating , but Shade wishes to go right away.

In hell, women are even more right.

I'm always looking  for my Number 1. You see, I'm not a very good aim in the bathroom.

We all have that one friend who's a floating onyx decahedron

Great Talkers Are Little Doers

please don't make fun of me please. thank you.

Wind turbines: I'm a big fan.







boss: me neither. i'm sure it's fine

He was 93 years old.


make a sexy donkey

*zooms into the skincare products in your mirror selfie thirst trap*

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.

The art center is also home to the Gold Coast City Art Gallery.

Russian fighter jet crashes in Siberia, crew catapults safely: Interfax 

U.S. athletes should consider not attending Olympics if fear Zika: officials -  

Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.

What is the criteria for being alive in Toy Story? Do you need to have eyes? Being like a wooden block would be a living hell.

Merkel calls for Germany to get more involved in world affairs 

I phoned a helpline about my weak bladder problem. It's 1p a minute.











Me, from the back: RESPECTING WOMEN!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

In fact Jacka was not recommended by his Australian officers in the first place.

Shortly thereafter , the storm encountered much cooler water temperatures after leaving the Gulf Stream.



MONEY-SAVING APP: it looks here like you could save a lot by cutting out rent. have you tried being homeless?

Watching Scooby-Doo has taught me that at any time a bunch of teenagers can show up and rip your face off.  Stay vigilant my fellow ghosts.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tish!

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?" I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

My mate is just not the same since he almost drowned in a vat of lemon juice. It's left him very bitter

whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”

She was one of only three holders of the title who never became queen.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"

Nothing Must Be Done Hastily But Killing Of Fleas

"The Constant Book Reader" By Paige Turner

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Norway denies inhuman treatment of mass killer Breivik:  

Please understand that when I call you a terf, I mean "Trans-Exclusionary Rancid Fartgoblin", because while not all radical feminists are trans-exclusionary, all trans-exclusionary people are fartgoblins.

`` Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish '' is the fourth episode of The Simpsons second season.

I’m not against my kids being homeschooled as long as it’s in someone else’s home.

With the release of the singles `` Give it All '' , `` Swing Life Away '' , and `` Life Less Frightening '' , Rise Against became more popular with mainstream fans , but still kept their underground sensibility.

Banana bread is usually a quick bread : a sweet , cake-like bread which typically uses baking soda as the leavening agent instead of yeast ; however , there are some banana bread recipes that are traditional-style yeast breads.

iPhone sales skid, Apple admits 'economic softness':  $AAPL 

Oil falls back after jumping on hopes of Russia, OPEC cooperation  

I changed my car horn sound to gunshots, people move out of the way much faster now.

If Pierce Brosnan and Guy Pearce married he‘d be Pierce Pearce

Russian PM Medvedev says Russia not bombing civilians in Syria 

Today I am running around the park and putting sprinkles on dog crap so people's days aren't ruined.

His mother was a granddaughter of the fourth head of Yonezawa.

The idea of a supercard featuring the two top promotions of the Monday Night Wars was considered to be a `` dream match '' scenario in the eyes of many fans , as it would allow the fans to see which promotion would be kayfabe superior.

Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath.'

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol.

Rights group decries 'crisis of violence and impunity' in Mexico 

"...that was a long, long time ago...another life. Please...it's Earthworm James now"

Iron Hand (Fist) In A Velvet Glove

Pierre Corneille was a French tragedian who was one of the three great seventeenth-century French dramatists , along with Molière and Racine.

Turkey reinstates Vatican envoy after row over pope's Armenian remarks 

Grenade attack kills child, wounds his father in Burundi's capital 

Closely watched AstraZeneca cancer drug fails in mesothelioma  

Between Two Stools One Goes (Falls) To The Ground

However , for two days every year , through trains were run from London , terminating at North Weald.

Magnitude 6.4 earthquake hits southern Taiwan: USGS 





Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!

Their parapodia enlarge so they can swim.

Turkish army says 14 PKK militants killed in southeast Turkey 


Me: No, he's my biological dog.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

Home alone and something just farted. Don't know whether to laugh or be scared.


You have to play “Lloraras” by Oscar D’Leon, I don’t make the rules

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Self-replication is any process by which a thing will make a copy of itself.

One day before Hindenburg 's death , Hitler flew to Neudeck and visited him.

[me grooming a majestic horse] such a powerful dog

One killed by blast that forced Somali emergency landing: officials 

well my Xmas shopping is done

Freed U.S. prisoner popped champagne on leaving Iranian air space 







me: *steps behind counter* NEXT







Son in Law: can u read us one more story i’m not tired yet

See the example to the right.

Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?



Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

As a result , the bats were banished to the night , never to see the sun again without suffering terrible penalties.

Asia stocks slip in holiday-thinned trade  

The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.

China's Xinjiang to use entertainment, possibly singing and dancing, in terror fight  

What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck.

One dead as gunfire erupts outside Denver motorcycle expo 

Denmark extends border control on border with Germany 

I called NHS direct over a week ago about a problem with my ears. I still haven't heard anything!

By the end of 2003 , Green Day collaborated with Iggy Pop on two tracks for his album Skull Ring.

Wanna know what really makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.

United Airlines sees "very limited operations" at New York area airports Sunday afternoon

Slain Virginia student's scent found in suspect's apartment: witness 

What do you call Postman Pat on the dole? Pat

Breaking one 's leg is not a good thing to hope for - therefore - by some superstition - if `` good luck '' causes bad luck , then the perceived bad luck of breaking one 's leg causes good.

Saurischia is one of the two orders , or basic divisions , of dinosaurs.

zoinks scoob i think we just killed jonbenet ramsey

What do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle.

Venezuela releases dire economic data as measures seen insufficient:  













expedia: if u don't buy this u will die

How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Monte Carlo is home to most of the Circuit de Monaco , on which the Formula One Monaco Grand Prix takes place.

A Lie Begets A Lie

Crystal Cave is one of these , and - as its name suggests - is one of the most spectacularly beautiful , with many stalactites , stalagmites , and deep crystal-clear pools.

You Cannot Wash Charcoal White

He was also the one who suggested splitting Kurohime into two beings : one consisting of pure hate , the other , of love and compassion.

Oregon standoff ends after 41 days with dramatic surrender  

Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.







me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

Christie and Bush came after Rubio at GOPDebate.  

Iasanamericanhavediscoveredanewwaytobelazyandthatisusingnospacebar.



waiter: yes these scarves are just what his outfit needs.





i do not understand what he's saying



~Fifty scent

One of the largest festivals in Australia used to take place here every April.

Guess who I bumped into in specsavers the other day. Everyone!





boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY

My parents told me they didn't have children. Are you as confused as I am?

Moore would eventually have ten second place finishes in world-title competition.

Toyota may halt Japan car output in February due to steel shortage  

lShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?

It may have been the world 's third tallest building after the two Great Pyramids for its entire life.

Singer Celine Dion's brother near death: newspaper  

 Texas politicians' public comments about man arrested on 'terror' charges may have jeopardized inquiry: law enforcement sources

I don't use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

ME: [hitting my head on the edge of an infinity pool] what the hell?

The two discuss various things , including a Prince who is in love with Lulu and wants to marry her.

Bloomington is the home to Indiana University.

Scotland would seek independence referendum if England votes to leave EU - Salmond 

Since it's the thought that counts, I'll just keep thinking about getting that colonoscopy.

I know you're only pretending to like me because my fanny pack is filled with crayons. I don't even mind.

Syrian govt forces open new battle with rebels in northwest 

I'm going to make an ice cream name "Genetics" so then people have an excuse to be so fat.

However , IQ tests may well be biased when used in other situations.

An animated Maiasaura appeared in the Great Dinosaur Adventure , an episode of Go , Diego , Go !.





GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

 Einstein was right, again: gravitational waves detected.  


me: *already sawing myself in half*

It was indeed worth the effort . ''

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

In 1982 , the Toyota Motor Company and Toyota Motor Sales merged into one company , the Toyota Motor Corporation.

White is best known for his The Natural History and Antiquities of Selborne.

Emergency services at UK's Didcot power plant after explosion reported 

What post-grad actually looks like

Palestinian corruption chief claws back $70 million, more to recoup 

ECB can accept securities backed by bad loans as collateral, Draghi says  

Each Bird Loves To Hear Himself Sing

It comes equipped with default styles that should work for most navigational templates.

I'm seeing this girl with eczema. She's got a cracking body.

I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it.

Cameron's EU deal may disappoint wavering British voters - Sturgeon:  

You know I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision.

I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup

What sort of jam can't you eat? Traffic jam.

The formation of the Isthmus of Panama joined the two continents two to three million years ago , precipitating the Great American Interchange , an important biogeographical event.

Soundgarden won two Grammy Awards in 1995 ; `` Black Hole Sun '' received the award for Best Hard Rock Performance and `` Spoonman '' received the award for Best Metal Performance.

Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away.

How many immature people does it take to change a lightbulb? Your Mother!

Adhesive tape can be one of many varieties of backing materials coated with an adhesive.



*2lb bag of gummy worms

Little cigars differ greatly from regular cigars.

Where does a cucumber go to get drunk? A salad bar.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?  Because he was a cagey bee agent.

Israel may bank on Obama's successor for future U.S. aid pact: minister 

Some viruses can live in an open environment for a short time , in some cases , only a few hours.

Asian stocks set to test February peak after upbeat U.S. data  

HSBC decides to stay in Britain  

Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.

They have two components : a shaft and a head.

Alcoholic proof is a measure of how much alcohol is contained in an alcoholic beverage.

As Obama announces his plan to close Guantanamo, a look inside the prison

The glockenspiel 's range is limited to the upper register , and usually covers about two and a half to three octaves.

Rij-Rousseau was born in Candé.

MacGruber starts asking for simple objects to make something to defuse the bomb , but he is later distracted by something that makes him run out of time.

The name Occitan comes from lenga d' òc , which comes from òc , the Occitan word for yes.

I'm not saying my wife's fat, but I struggle to lift her photograph.

Sometime around 1515 Willaert first went to Rome.

Cooking is as easy as cake.

I love you Michael. I hope you know that.

France seeking new sanctions on Iran over missile tests: AP.  

Israel's West Bank businesses face growing pressure to uproot  

MTV Unplugged in New York is a live album by the American grunge band Nirvana.


[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Why did the homeless man vote for Obama? Because he promised change.

Fault Lines by @KevinMKruse

I was abducted by a UFO, and while a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, I will say I'm the 1st human in the 36 billion billion mile high club.

Why do you never buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.

Inhabitants of New South Wales are referred to as being New South Welsh or New South Welshmen.

Asian-American judges among Obama's options as he seeks to replace Scalia 

The red head has two long black spines with clubbed ends.

Barbara Pierce Bush is the elder of the fraternal twin daughters of the 43rd U.S. President George W. Bush and former First Lady Laura Bush , and the granddaughter of the 41st U.S. President George H. W. Bush.

In two appearances as a pitcher , Wistert allowed only one run in eight innings , for a career ERA of 1.13.

How much does a grand piano cost? £1000

The pressure at Havana falls to 29.35 ''

Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.

The Kavirondo keep cattle , sheep , goats , fowls and a few dogs.

yeah grandma i know i'm poor because i went to starbucks last week and not because the student loan crisis in america has crippled an entire generation i'm not an idiot

Three men are walking through the woods , they hear strange noises and catch glimpses of something moving in the undergrowth.

The article said that Essjay spent some 14 hours or more a day on Wikipedia but was careful to keep his online life a secret from his colleagues and friends.

#FlashbackFriday: Watch scenes from @NYCityCenter's TICK, TICK...BOOM!, starring @Lin_Manuel, @Karenolivo & @leslieodomjr → http://bit.ly/2RrZkE8 

A blonde read a news headline, "12 Brazilian soldiers killed" She shook her head and asked her friend, "How many is a Brazilian?"

anyone need help opening a pickle jar?

This karate class is so fake, they don't even teach you how to shoot a fireball

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He didn't believe in Dog.

The standard server implementations and many clients are also free and open source software.

Iran's Zarif says does not know about BBC journalist 

Bankers say end of loose monetary policy era has fueled volatility:

The eastern end has retained much original glass , which is rare in England.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

To Make Both Ends Meet



Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango

The most familiar numbers are the natural numbers or counting numbers : one , two , three , and so on.

Brushing up my Milli Vanilli instructional dance video...in case anyone is interested in chest bumping with me later.







ME: [spitting out drink] the what now









me: u sound just like her

Why doesn't Mike Tyson play Playstation? He's an Xboxer.

Three missing in collapsed Didcot power station:  

Why thousands of Iraqi refugees are leaving Finland voluntarily:   

If I was a pig, I'd get a tattoo of a coin slot on my back.

 Goldman Sachs inks joint Mexico energy, infrastructure deal - source 

Gluck 's masterly Iphigénie en Tauride was first produced on May 18 , 1779.

Tuatara , like many of New Zealand 's native animals , are threatened by habitat loss and introduced predators like the Polynesian Rat.

Who called it necrophilia and not "blowing a casket"?

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.

The town holds a festival in May.

Now , let 's say we 've got a more complicated example , like the Lake Shore Limited , which runs from Chicago east to either Boston or New York.

This is a nucleus with one proton and one neutron , i.e. a deuterium nucleus.

The Early Bird Catches The Worm

Brazil President called as witness in bribery investigation 

Oregon incident part of a decades-old conflict between ranchers and federal government   

Bosnian Serb general Zdravko Tolimir dies in The Hague 

Her Sanskrit name is `` Sarasvatî Devî '' , which means `` flowing water '' , and so Benzaiten is the goddess of everything that flows : water , words , speech , eloquence , and music.

`` Say My Name '' is hit song by American R&B group Destiny 's Child.



doctor: not as much as life did


Me: No, he's my biological dog.

Q: how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: wanna go ride a bikes???

It underwent yet another change when Sir Martin Laing retired in early 2002.

Sometimes, I wish I could hit the snooze button on coworkers.

A duck goes into a shop and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The Cashier says "That'll be £1.50 please.The Duck says "Just put it on my bill"

honk if your species killed the Great Barrier Reef

No matter how big your smartphone's screen is, you still have to scroll down to see Chelsea's position in the league table.

Like other corvids , they may learn to mimic human speech.

The only thing worse than oj with pulp is oj with knife

The main character is a brave hamster named Hamtaro who goes on adventures and makes friends.







IT'S FOR HOLDING SNACKS, KAREN

He Who Is Born A Fool Is Never Cured









ME: I know...it tells me how many hours I've got left until bedtime.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Two interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.

Why did 10 die? Because he was in the middle of 9/11

My shortest date occurred in college when upon passing by a bike rack, I mentioned that someone had stolen my bike from it. He seemed rather interested, getting details, until he finally confessed he was the thief and this car was stolen too.

The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

Denmark PM names two new ministers after avoiding snap vote 

Iran-linked groups focus of Baghdad kidnapping probe: U.S. sources:  

U.N. council set to approve mission to verify Colombia peace deal  

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

@ anti-vaxers

I’m wearing a blouse today, like I’m responsible and 96 years old.

Why don't supermarkets be more honest and rename their "Parent and Child" spaces as "Lazy Bastard with Massive 4x4" spaces?

On May 4 , 2007 , a judge in New York ruled that Monroe 's rights of publicity ended at death.

On 20 May 2008 , a fire broke out at the Philharmonie.

using a belt sander to trim the fat off a brisket and it catches at a weird angle and throws the whole meat slab directly into my cup cabinet breaking every single cup i own

"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?" thought the spider.

My friend keeps telling me to stop impersonating butter. I can't, I'm on a roll now. 

If you seesaw something, saysaid something.


"Shut up and eat your Boof™ brand imitation beef."

Without warning , their rope breaks.

The album Nuff Said contains live recordings from the Westbury Music Fair , April 7 , 1968 , three days after the murder of Martin Luther King , Jr..

On each day , the characters discover new insights and artifacts.

Many expected Robinson to be the choice , but the party leader instead picked an unknown , new senior counsel called John Rogers.

If prisoners get arrested, where do they go?

happy fathers day! here is a full minute of my dad starting his voicemails by telling me what time it is:

What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.

Does a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.

Another new friend comes in the form of Miss Margaret Larner , who he later discovers to be the `` torch '' who helped him to be born so many years ago , and with whom he has been strangely linked since that day.

Always remember that you are unique..Just like everyone else.

Next 'Vienna format' meeting on Syria may take place on Feb. 11: RIA 

Once in a while I take the blame when the dog farts, just to pay him back.

I tried to log onto Twitter earlier today. It said,"Cookies are required to operate." I thought to myself, "Me too Twitter. Me too."

U.S. stepping up push for ceasefire, aid in Syria: officials 

St. Louis Rams green-lit for move to Los Angeles  

charles barkley with the baby filter looks like charles barkley



KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.

I spent two weeks on a rewrite - then a couple weeks a month later on set. It was chaotic and confusing, and they didn't use much of what I wrote. I think I only got credit cause I was on vacation when the arbitration happened and no one else wanted it.

My Nigerian wife looked at our 5-year-old kid and said "aww, they blow up so fast"

Meher Baba said that Babajan was one of the five Perfect Masters of her time.

Yemen government says Hezbollah fighting alongside Houthis 

In his spare time he copied the old masters in the Louvre.

In some parts of the world , it is called railway time or continental time.







Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet




ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*

Marriage: Assisted Suicide.

Hungry Bellies Have No Ears





hamster: no

there’s just something about how geminis hype up their own season that......makes it sound like a threat

Since the 19th century , historians have learned much more about the early Christian community.

There Are Lees To Every Wine

In 2004 , drummer Brandon Barnes stated : `` I think we have a lot of different influences from hardcore like old Cave In , to a lot of punk like Face to Face , Screeching Weasel , and Down By Law . ''

 Killed Oregon protester named as armed group's spokesman:  

Apollo Global Management nears deal to buy ADT Corp: source  

The happier Asian's get, the less they can see.

The Mexican Wolf is a subspecies of the Gray Wolf.

Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.

Murders in Honduras drop 12 percent in 2015 as drug bosses extradited: group 

Many people know Reims for its cathedral , Notre-Dame de Reims , formerly the place of coronation of the kings of France.



ME: *struggling to climb onto the stage* isn't it wild how lasagna be cake

Daimler is recalling 840,000 vehicles in the U.S. over airbag concerns. Find out more:  

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.


*applies for sainthood

Along the way , Timon and Pumbaa meet for the first time and set out to find a `` dream home . ''

Almost bought a magazine before I realized it was $12.

Housing market risks rising, but smaller than in 2014: BoE's Cunliffe  

The highest point of the county is White Horse Hill , in the Vale of White Horse , reaching 261 metres.

easyJet to trial plane with fuel cells to help cut costs  

“They said they’ll hand me over to the Islamic State.” More 

Malapropisms are the Achilles' hill I’m prepared to die on.

Two corpses found in Mexico after apparent abduction 

Three Americans kidnapped in Baghdad last month have been released: Iraqi media

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

Don't let Brexit threat hold euro zone back, France's Sapin says 

Facebook shares jump 12 percent as mobile ads win big 

Training a new group of interns to write tweets for me in my own distinctive style. "Less funny," I tell one. "Wordier," I correct another.

The mean anomaly is one of three angular parameters that define a position along an orbit ; the other two being the eccentric anomaly and the true anomaly.

Soon after , three more houses were furnished , growing the total of children cared for to 130.

When I feel like life is going too fast, I go to the DMV.

African Union backs away from imposing peacekeepers on Burundi 

What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.

Pi Day is observed on March 14 ; since 3 , 1 and 4 are the first three digits of π.

Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy! But what about when he's not there? The hip replacement guy!

I was about to scream at a man in my hometown for condescendingly asking if my 6y/o son was gay (because who cares if he is) but then my son started pirouetting around him while holding his Little Mermaid LEGOs and singing Taylor Swift so I just said, “Isn’t he fucking fabulous?”

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

The CD was recorded live at Symphony Space in New York City on May 9 and 16 , 2005.

Magazine publisher Time Inc considering merging with Yahoo: Bloomberg

He lasted three days longer than he did on.

“These tweets don’t write themselves” I say, placing a large amount of Scrabble tiles in a blender

Supreme Court strikes down Florida death sentence process 

Despite carbon ruling, White House says U.S. can meet climate deal goals 

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

It would be three centuries before Claudius Ptolemaeus ' synthesis of astronomy would supersede the work of Hipparchus ; it is heavily dependent on it in many areas.

What is the difference between an Aggie and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

A passage from Part Two of The Pilgrim 's Progress beginning `` Who would true Valour see '' has been used in the hymn `` To be a Pilgrim ''.

People always talk about how “Thanos was right” but what about Lotso Bear from Toy Story 3? Why wouldn’t the toys that had been there the longest get to play with the more age-appropriate kids? His methods may have been extreme but Lotso Bear paid his dues

What do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.





Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

However , a small amount of ash survived and put out new ash trees as well.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm single. Other times I ask my dog "are you mad at me?" eighty times in a row and I know why.

Bush suspends his campaign, CNN reports

My wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!

Sterling hit by Brexit worries after London Mayor joins 'out' camp:  

Make Haste Slowly

I got a part in the movie cocaine. I only had one line.

ECB in talks with Italy over buying bundles of bad loans  

Just found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years. Can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling.

I saw a girl fully clothed walking by me at the mall earlier today, 'Skank' I thought to myself, 'I bet she's naked under all those clothes'

Defying Cameron, London Mayor Boris to campaign for British exit from EU 

Thelma Catherine Ryan was born in the small mining town of Ely , Nevada , the day before St. Patrick 's Day.

Conjecture: There is no reason to worry that someone might be quietly hating you forever because either they're not and it's all in your head or they are and it's all in theirs.

Turkey closes media outlets seized from Gulen-linked owner 

Turkish soldiers on border shot at from ISIS territory in Syria 

Andy Murray has the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of his miserable boring persona! All he has to do is name his new daughter Ruby.

His last known work is the decoration of Podestà Chapel in the Bargello , Florence.











Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud

Franco-Nevada to buy Glencore precious metals stream for $500 million  





@WritersofColor @LatinxCaucus @vonavoices

Syria war rages hours before deal to halt fighting 

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!

This is known as open loop control.

NASA delays space station cargo run due to mold on packing bags:  



me: *remembers i'm wearing Thundercats underwear* WAIT don't damage my Thundercats underwear

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.

San Bernardino victims to oppose Apple on iPhone encryption 







ME: Why do I shit with my legs crossed

My best mate was a hairdresser. He passed away recently, but at least he died doing what he loved..Dying.

EU states seek extension of border controls within Schengen 

just tweeted that your a twit.

A Great Fortune Is A Great Slavery

When God shuts a door he opens a window.  And turns off the lights. There’s food in the fridge.  He'll be home by 9.  Don't touch that thermostat!

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Players can pick up dead balls and throw them back at the other team.

Australian counter-terrorism police raid Melbourne properties 

China stocks up after circuit breaker axed, yuan fixed higher  

There's a fine line between being a tattle-tale And saving your own butt.

He made another bad start at the Moscow 1925 chess tournament , and could only fight back to third place , two points behind Bogoljubow and 1/2 point behind Emanuel Lasker.

Serenity won the 2006 Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation , Long Form.

I'll never forget what Grandma said before she kicked the bucket. She said "Look how far I can kick this bucket".

Airbus to keep border security unit in defense electronics sale 

Indexes set to open lower as oil prices slip:  

How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

I did it! Thanks younglings for the tech support 


me: [confusing back wall for fourth wall] hello dear reader

To make things worse , their flint is still underwater after their boat capsized while paddling to their new beach.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

 Presidential hopefuls Sanders, Clinton in dead heat - Reuters/Ipsos poll  

I think I'm having a no-life crisis.

Gang jailed for sex crimes in English town at centre of abuse scandal 

Limiting German refugee intake not unethical, president says 

My girlfriend says I'm clueless. I haven't an idea what she is talking about.

This would continue through the next two tribal councils that Lopevi took part in.







And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™

Crowded insurance industry becomes latest casualty of oil slump  



Me: I respectfully decline.

All Are Not Saints That Go To Church

Hurricane Ivan became extratropical the next day.

Have you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool. 

Europe calls time on ship navigation scheme despite risks at sea 

The contract with Kyocera that gave the company naming rights expired in early 2008.

It Is An Ill Bird That Fouls Its Own Nest

The letters sent to China by major powers over concerns on new or planned laws.  

Those times you looked out the car window and imagined you were in a music video would have made the shittiest music video in history.

A Fault Confessed Is Half Redressed

I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.

Jonathan threw a bottle at the TV during a viewing of the 6th Sense when the child said 'I see dead people' he replied quietly "who doesn't....."







[From Basement]: Oh shit

UK government to prevent public sector boycotts of Israeli suppliers 

The breeding season lasts April to May.

Irish vote may bring political uncertainty after economic recovery 

The two streams run through the estate , one of them the Glamis Burn.

Did you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!

Elena Sergeevna Katina , born October 4 , 1984 , better known as Lena Katina is one half of the Russian music duo t.A.T.u. ; the other being Yulia Volkova.

Taylor was born at Sydney in 1872.

This template takes three unnamed input parameters ; you must supply the first one , and the last two are optional.

Flying Scotsman steam train puffs again, thrilling enthusiasts 

Shrimp come in shells so technically it’s already a taco

All Asses Wag Their Ears

Ten days after the previous storm , another hurricane , this time a major hurricane , hit central North Carolina.

To Be In One's Birthday Suit

I think that to counteract shoplifting, stores have rigged their scanners to automatically mark up the price that was on the shelf.

It was chosen by School Library Journal as one of their best books of 1994.







me: cause there's Noel

At the start , each player controls sixteen pieces : one king , one queen , two rooks , two knights , two bishops , and eight pawns.

Although the adjudicator 's decision doesn't have the same legal weight , an adjudicator has still rendered a decision just like a judge.

Over 90% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Silly old fuckers!


me now: stays in bed trying to decipher why no one likes me

What does diarrhea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool.

White House rebuts Supreme Court hypocrisy charge against Obama 

Got thrown out of Dragons Den. Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

This is the broken labor broker business

They should readjust clothing size to S,M,L,XL,F(at) and 2F(at).

Flashing back to 1974 , we see how Homer falls in love with Marge in high school and tries to get close to her by enlisting her as his French tutor.

Me:[forgetting the word for water] do you have any pee fuel





“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

A breakfast sausage is a type of fresh pork sausage usually served at breakfast.

Chicken eggs are widely used in many types of dishes , both sweet and savory.

You're not living longer, you're just dying slower!

I live everyday trying not to disappoint those three people who wrote "Stay Cool" in my yearbook.

Chicken stock is on the rise. It’s a conspiracy by Big Broth-er.

If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.

My 4yo makes nonsense words and sometimes accidentally comes across real ones. Tht is a lot of lead up to the fact that my 4yo has been calling my 2yo a wanker all morning.







me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

 Construction crane collapses in lower Manhattan: CBS

At its basic level , MT performs simple substitution of words in one natural language for words in another.



me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me








Bwaaa dada da da dooo

if i started a chill minecraft realm would 9 people wanna join

Walking past the prison and saw a midget climbing down the wall. He glared at me. Said to my friend "That's a little con descending"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road"

One Good Turn Deserves Another

Halls was first made in the 1930s in Britain by the Halls Brothers company.

This is how Twitter reacted to news of the death of Harper Lee:  

Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.

She was the 27th First Lady.

Little Chips Light Great Fires

I just love helium..I can't speak highly enough about it!

How do you make a woman angry and sick at the same time? Cholera, bitch.

She also supports the Love Our Children USA organization , which named her among their Mothers Who Make a Difference in 2009.

oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle... *LOWERS SHADES TO LOOK YOU DEAD IN THE EYE* who's a Model by the way,

Wall Street bleeds:  

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask u

visit http://savelayne.com  to learn about the free process and how you can get in contact with the medical team. our donation link here is currently showing an error message, but the rest of the site is a great educational resource. if you have any questions, please dm me

My friends' kids' names began from a-z. after they had George, they named their next girl Zack. I don't think they wanted anymore kids.

Germany's Merkel toughens tone on migrants as protesters gather 

Bootleg liquor kills at least 24 in Indonesian village: media 

Lawmaker calls for clarity on banks offsetting taxes on fines 

Justice Scalia, conservative icon, dead at 79:  

Czech MEP, arrested in Swiss bank case, dies in Prague 

Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental! No one treats me like a mug.

To Angle With A Silver Hook

Homicides in El Salvador double during first two months of 2016 

U.N. says aid ship docks in Yemen after diversion to Saudi Arabia 

World stocks set for a third straight week of losses:  



the economy:

Zika is discouraging many in the U.S. from Latin America travel. Read our  

Wash Your Dirty Linen At Home

China stocks tumble over 6 percent, worst loss in a month

Experience v. Judgment: Clinton, Sanders vie for pivotal Iowa vote 

When Alexander Graham Bell finally finished inventing the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell? He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.

I love you

me: [sees hugh laurie at the trampoline park] ᵇᵒᵘᶰᶜʸ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉ

What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spooketti.

me at the school field trip to the zoo whispering “I’m sorry” to the dolphins

Somewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

Dutch PM says Europe has 6-8 weeks to get grip on refugee crisis 



hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so


In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.

This is why the WHO’s lead role in global health is at risk:  

i drive everywhere in earmuffs with the horn jammed on, but if you piss me off i'll unjam the horn and give you the silent treatment.

the film industry for women, queers, and people of colour:

The letter 'q' needs to get a real job.

U.N. chief, Lavrov uphold Syria agreement, call for talks 

Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

Why Smith &amp; Wesson shares have more than doubled since Sandy Hook

Infant refugee becomes face of Australia's tough asylum seeker policies 

Aquaman's arch nemesis is supperman. After they come into contact with each other aquaman can't swim for 30 minutes, to avoid cramping.

You Cannot Eat Your Cake And Have It

For Britain's undecided voters, economy could swing EU referendum 

On the showdown , each player plays the best poker hand they can make from the seven cards comprising his two hole cards and the five community cards.

Tropical Storm Claudette was one of three tropical storms active on August 16.

How the West misread Putin over Syria:  

It became one of the best known collections of consort music in his time.

PM David Cameron fielding questions about Boris Johnson's Brexit decision:  

British PM Cameron to meet EU's Juncker on Friday: spokeswoman 

Water from these rivers come from the granitic areas and is very pure.

A magnitude is never negative.

A standardized time system was first used by British railways on December 11 , 1847 , when they switched from local mean time to Greenwich Mean Time.



aww hell yea, that’s a nice gate, what’s it made of

The story behind this photo of one very eager Trump supporter:  



INTERVIEWER: just examples of your professional work please

Osborne says leaving EU would be 'profound economic shock' - BBC 

It's a tough road ahead for Maduro after dire data:  

my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies

Adds zeros to the end of new until it is the same as the negative original without its sign.

Greece rages at neighbors as fears migrants could be halted 

For the latter a bag may have one or two handles ; a shoulder bag has a strap to carry it on the shoulder.

The other Bohemians go out , but Rodolfo remains alone for a moment in order to finish an article he is writing , promising to join his friends soon.

All Things Are Difficult Before They Are Easy

Court in bickering Bangladesh accuses former PM of sedition 

For further details see Haydn and Mozart.

Zeus accepts what Hercules must do , and lets him go.

EasyJet says demand for travel lower after Paris attacks:  

Evidently the death of Little Eva affected a lot of people at that time , because in 1852 alone 300 baby girls in Boston were given that name.







Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit

I told him it wasn't good enough science fiction to be drama. That it needed the kinds of leaps of faith that a comedy allows. (I believed then - and do now - that the *mood* of a film, a very under-discussed concept, is the thing that determines what we'll buy and not buy.)

They may also be taught to physically alert to and/or lead away from a sound , such as in the case of a fire alarm.

Russia won't take back refugees who crossed into Norway: Lavrov -  

What Is Got Over The Devil's Back Is Spent Under His Belly

The origin of the name is uncertain.

Whale watching is very similar to watching disappointed people on a boat.

Written by @fishbowel

Basketball would be more exciting if each team had 1 sword

Weizsäcker has served on many international commissions.

Trump's march stirs growing sense of dread among Republicans  

All Lay Load On The Willing Horse

I, for one, like Roman Numerals

Today , it is part of the New York State Canal System.

Vostok 1 was the first human spaceflight.

I have a long, rich history of putting men I date on pedestals for the smallest of reasons.

Friday.

Why Sainsbury's is betting on an Argos takeover:  

One of the most popular early cookies , which traveled especially well and became known on every continent by similar names , was the jumble , a relatively hard cookie made largely from nuts , sweetener , and water.


Three tickets for the Scrambler, please.

NFS , like many other protocols , builds on the Open Network Computing Remote Procedure Call system.

New Super Mario Bros..

Why is Pingu's dad always ironing when none of them wear clothes?

What if legs were like dicks and you could only walk if you were horny

nick jonas is 5 foot 6 i never want to hear a short man complain again

This could be bus but you plane

Goldmark came from a large Jewish family , one of 20 children.

When I go big-game hunting, my weapon of choice is the remote.









me: [erasing 'xxx backdoor nurses 19'] oh right

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

As You Sow, So Shall You Reap

Go To Bed With The Lamb And Rise With The Lark

If I ate myself would I be twice as big or disappear completely?

I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.

While an actively loyal French citizen , she never lost her sense of Polish identity.



Now we wait.



Mob boss: you’re hired

(to the tune of let it be) when i find myself in times of hunger, ninja turtles come to me / order you some pizza, extra cheese

Why is Def Leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along

Britain pledges extra £1.2 billion for Syria before donor conference 

While running , one man is hit by a boulder and killed.

U.S. jobless claims fall more than expected:  

Something just occurred to me. Why are all the 'intelligent life' finding sources pointed away from earth?

Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis? He came out of nowhere.

What is a stalker's favorite part of a hospital? The I C U

Nikkei posts biggest drop in three years as global growth fears hit banks:  

What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

French Finance Minister 'deeply believes' UK will remain in Europe  

 KPMG withdraws audit opinions on CFTC over accounting error - documents  

Latvian man jailed for petition urging Latvia merger with Russia 

Why are aspirins white? Because they work

Many Hands Make Light Work

Why I donate sperm instead of blood? I MAKE lives not save them. And you know, other stuff.



Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Trump: 'Tinge' of sadness over losing Iowa  

What does it take to please an Amish woman? Two Mennonite.

The two tribes were Ulong and Koror.

Iraq building security wall around Baghdad: military commander 

me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses





me: [sheathing tape measure] your car's fucked dude

Twitter reacts to the death of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ author Harper Lee:  

Dormant mud volcanoes stand like columns of mud in many other areas.

Nelson Piquet won the Drivers ' Championship , claiming the first of his three Formula One titles.

Family of Oregon occupier shot by law enforcement accuses FBI and police of a cover-up:  





Me with 64 teeth: Ramma losht hur wat now?

For this reason , domestic sheep on normal pasture begin to slowly decline from four years on , and the average life expectancy of a sheep is 10 to 12 years , though some sheep may live as long as 20 years.

Couples who were to be wed on May Day would leap through the flames of the bonfire to seal their vows.

Omg it’s the 22 one month till my birthday what can I do this year so that it doesn’t end in me feelin lonely and crying

Poland's Walesa says will defend himself in court against new communist spy allegations 

Asia dips amid smouldering banking sector concerns, yen stands tall  

So his new name , Ultrasauros , is now just an alternate name for the dinosaur officially known as Supersaurus.

Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.

NATO-Russia Council not yet possible, Stoltenberg says 

I wish school was as easy as half the girls that go there.

It is 100% real. This is EXACTLY how he talks. If you Venmo me $250 I can set him up with FaceTime so you guys can chat.

Do people who get up early every morning to go for a run know about not getting up early every morning to go for a run?

When discussing mergers it is also wise to think of the long-term , such as the possibility of an article getting too long.














Pisces: paralysis

Former Tepco executives indicted over Fukushima nuclear disaster - media  



me: ok so you put it in your wallet and leave it there for 23 years

The Camel Going To Seek Horns Lost His Ears

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

He doesn't just lie down and take abuse.

The funniest joke in the world isn't recorded. Every time someones tries to write it down, they die of laughter.

What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.

Better Be Alone Than In Bad Company

One wounded in Turkey as rocket hits house near Syria border: media 

The story begins many years ago in the Cretaceous era when much of England was under the sea.

Turkish security operations against militants in southeast town complete: interior minister 

Carol Ann from our humans as a resource department says the blood machine started screaming last night in a cursed tongue and no one knows how to shut the dang thing off

The last time the Brooklyn franchise won a World Championship was in 1900.

Paul Dukas was born in Paris to a Jewish father and Catholic mother.

U.S. needs more resources in Europe to counter Russia - NATO commander  

 White House says Departments of Homeland Security, Justice to establish task force to counter violent extremism in the U.S.

“Is your new horse well-behaved Charles?”
“Oh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.”

Please welcome Rosamund Pike to the Wheel of Time family. Say hello to Moiraine. #WoTWednesday

i made a chart please look

this fucked me up...

Ever have a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to hit it with the cursor?

Colombia's ex-rebel fighters struggle to find jobs, rebuild lives 

Don't read too much into military drills, China says after Taiwan alarm  

[first day as a anti-vaxxer] what if there were a way to be a self-satisfied moralizer AND murder kids

Thyme retains its flavor on drying better than many other herbs.

Iran's Rouhani says up to U.S. to improve relations with Tehran:  

Did you hear about how the Police were called to a daycare yesterday? A three-year-old was resisting a rest





WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

A Civil Denial Is Better Than A Rude Grant

What is Mr T's favourite yoghurt? Petit Filou

New U.S. single-family home sales race to 10-month high 

North Korea has executed its army chief of staff, according to South Korean media reports.  



ME: [being helpful] You aren't supposed to eat the dish, you are supposed to eat the food

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Where daylight saving time is used , `` standard time '' may refer to the time without daylight saving time.

Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

Self Done Is Well Done

Never have unprotected sex with a cannibal. next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.

Poll shows 40 percent of Germans want Merkel to resign over her refugee policy:  

Groups urge Kerry to work for release of U.S. businessman held in Iran 

Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"?











Cacti

Poverty Is No Sin

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?None.  They'd rather sit in the dark and suffer.

y’all. just quit climbing mt everest. it’s over. been done. just stop it.

Goldman-run funds most popular with Republican candidates, disclosures show 

Verizon enlists AOL CEO to explore Yahoo deal: Bloomberg 

Darth Vader abandoned his infant twins to focus on his murder career. Later he tracked down his son, killed his adopted father figure, chopped off his son’s hand and then offered him a job in the family company...so I highly doubt I’m the worst father in history Karen.



Actually, I better go check

Hong Kong riot police fire warning shots in bloody street clashes:  

What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.

It’s 2050, you randomly think about a pineapple. Your doorbell rings, it’s an Amazon drone with a pineapple. You begrudgingly accept the pineapple. Behind the first drone you see 30 more drones coming, all with pineapples. “We heard you like pineapples,” they say.

The sea is a graveyard. Reuters investigates the migration crisis:  

Chemistry jokes are Sodium funny.

My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

Probe clears Malaysian PM Najib, says $681 million transfer a Saudi gift  

Markets back on the rack:  



me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there's not much of a challenge to it

Controller of Children 's BBC Richard Deverell said : `` Adventure Rock is a good example of the way we need to go.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Bangladeshi women trafficked to war-torn Syria as sex slaves, maids 

this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!










                         a. Teeth







Me: No, I’d rather you vacuum the living room. So fucken hot.

If vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating their food?

His last original published work was in 1965 ; he gave his last interview in 1980.

My blonde 19 year old next door neighbor has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? I nearly shit her knickers

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a woman with one leg laying on the floor? Eileen Dover.

I got rid of all my old 45s, and that's vinyl.

The seasons run from spring to fall.

The females give birth to live young.



Anyway hang in there, it should be all good now! #FLSBroadway

Justice secretary Michael Gove to push for Brexit - BBC  

It has a central park and many historic buildings , including old houses near the railway station on Sloane Street and two 19th-century cathedrals.









me: *shaking salt* and now we feast

Seven countries call for EU action to help steel industry  

I thought I wanted a career, turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.



ME: it seems people still don’t enjoy traffic Jennifer back to you

Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi.

Teacher: A person who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have without them.

What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.

a fun thing to do is eat a weed chocolate then race against the clock to get through your to-do list before you become a useless sack of shit like cinderella trying to get home before her carriage goes pumpkin







board member: oh my god we're gonna make so much fucking money

Huge cyclone leaves trail of destruction in Fiji 




Egg bad egg

U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said


https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-pony&rcid=r01-155820120917-20c317369a9b45f8&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m …

I don't know whats more awkward. answering Dora, or sitting in silence as she stares at you.

The first single was `` Hidin ' from Love '' in 1980 which was followed up by `` Give Me Your Love '' and `` Remember ''.

My therapist just diagnosed me as having ten Smith's songs trapped in my aura.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Hong Kong riot police fire warning shots in clash with street vendors  

Three police killed in Pakistan attack, Islamic State suspected 

The big bosses of the town know that he 's back ... A lot of bad things start happening . ''

Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends

What's the definition of a snail?A slug with a crash helmet.

Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana? It's called the Joint Session of Congress.

Cranston is credited by many with bringing a new level of artistry to men 's figure skating.

Wall St. opens higher after Yellen comments:  

My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics. It runs in my genes.


me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"

In later life , Leonardo only recorded two childhood incidents.









Titanic: It's not hot hot

Little is known of Joseph Johns 's early life . Born in Cornwall , England around 1826 and raised as a Roman Catholic , he was the third of six children of blacksmith Thomas Johns and his wife Mary.

Watch the prison break in Brazil caught on tape.  

Proud of how healthy I’ve been eating!

What do you call a man in a slow-cooker? Stu.

Soon afterwards a new marketplace was opened , as well as St. Peter 's and Paul 's hospital and gymnasium.

Lucario thinks of Sir Aaron as both his master and close friend.

She lives in New York City with her husband and two daughters.

Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.







MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend. It turns out it was just my imaginasian





I could do this all day.

Wattles have been extensively introduced into New Zealand and are regarded by many New Zealanders as one of the most typical features of their home landscape.

Better Early Than Late

Colorado woman convicted of cutting fetus from stranger's womb 













4 am: fuck

whorecruxes

Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.

The only thing longer than my honey-do list is my honey-don't list.

Tried to spice up my sex life by dipping my dong in caramel & rolling it in peanuts like a Payday bar, but I was attacked by birds, had to go the hospital, and am no longer welcome at PetSmart.









snail: that is my lamp :)

Pentagon to submit plan to Congress for closing Guantanamo prison  





MIKE TYSON: "Yeth"

Colombia's ELN rebels declare 72-hour lockdown 

Two killed, several injured in Florida storms 

It allows the true brightnesses of objects to be compared without regard to distance.



alex trebek: I haven’t even read the card yet

I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia. Get in!

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce? He was making up for lost thyme.  



friend giving my eulogy: alright let’s stop texting him

I'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.

I always put the shopping carts back at the grocery store. I want the single moms to know I’m one of the good guys just in case I’m ever back on the market.

Potoroos live under dense bushes and shrubs.

If you ever get attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse.

In May 2000 , he later had surgery to repair a leaking heart valve , and was forced to take a three month break from Parliament , with Deputy First Minister , Jim Wallace taking over as Acting First Minister ..

I was gonna go hiking in the hills with my mate Max, but he refused to go. He's a real anti-climb Max.

Fish And Company Stink In Three Days

Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.

This is why I watch let's plays. Someone else can be entertained for me

What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them.

Open or anonymising proxies , including Tor , may be blocked from editing for any period at any time.

I used to be a bodybuilder..or 'The Dr Frankenstein Grave Robber' as the press preferred to call me.

 One person killed as gunshots resume at Burkina hotel, medical personnel taking wounded away from scene

I'm sick of people lying to me. I asked three people what time it was and they all said something different.

U.N. delays vote on tough new North Korea sanctions at Russia's request:  

Reformist gains in Iran elections clear way for business boom  

No Living Man All Things Can

Tickling: Like being raped, but you're forced to laugh.

FTSE flops as banks and miners fall:  

How can you tell the Indians were here in America first? They had reservations.

Romanian PM dismisses tax chiefs over EU funds fraud inquiry 

Making another Facebook profile called Ahontas and have people poke me.

They are often included as utilities on many live CD distributions to make partitioning easier.

the Office Depot is good but i still prefer the British Office Depot

Slovak PM says to protect border with Austria 

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

My friend did the same.

Hence , Obelix was born.



Women agreeing to meet up with the guys that send them unsolicited dick pics, but when the guy arrives, its actually their mother waiting for them.

The Glossy-mantled Manucode , Manucodia ater , is a medium-sized , around 42 cm long , glossed green , blue and purple black bird of paradise with a red iris , black bill , long graduated tail and somewhat elongated upper breast and neck feathers.

Al Qaeda militants seize southern Yemeni town: residents 

I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.

China confirms its first imported Zika case: Xinhua news agency.  

Some roller coasters , notably Wild Mouse roller coasters , run with single cars.

Did you see that Sargento Cheese is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again

Afterwards , for some time Hassan and Amir keep a distance from each other.

U.S. oil falls on China economic woes, rising OPEC supply  

drank a Bang Energy and a White Claw and now I'm the fourth Powerpuff girl

Ted Cruz has asked for communications director to resign: media 

Russia has yet to fully implement Minsk deal on Ukraine: NATO official 

when you get promoted at subway

Hercules being tasked with kidnapping Cerberus was the original triple dog dare

Investigator asks U.N. to notify Kim Jong Un of possible probe for crimes against humanity:  

Ukrainian president suggests PM should resign: statement 

Ethnic rebels' show of force highlights Suu Kyi's peace challenge 

I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.



Bartender: ”You guys are in no shape to drive.”

Every Dog Is A Lion At Home

Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no on both occasions.

300-up Messi makes history as Barca open big lead  

Beer doesn't make you FAT, it makes you LEAN....Against walls, tables, chairs, floors, and ugly people.











                 HALLWAY!

On the other hand , a man wearing a white hat who appears in the Last Judgement at Padua is also said to be a portrait of Giotto.

"Two Mexicans walk into a bar. One of them goes "Dios Mio that bar hurt!"

My mother-in-law wore a wedding dress to my wedding. So, yeah, top that one, Twitter. #weddingfail @jimmyfallon

A book fell on Sean Connery's head. He replies "I only have my shelf to blame".

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Russian prosecutor demands 23 years in jail for female Ukrainian pilot 

Every town has a house kids swear is haunted. The most dangerous season in real estate is the time after such a house burns down. Because kid law demands there be a ghost house. It could be any home. It doesn't have to look creepy now. That’ll come on its own, after the choosing.

'Project Panic' rather than love may keep Britain in EU  

 California gas leak spotlights shoddy regulation of aging storage wells:  

What did the shetland pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry. I'm a little horse.







And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™

Hampden is one of only two Scottish football stadiums to receive a UEFA 5-star rating.

I just read about a dwarf being pick pocketed in the news. How could someone stoop so low!

U.N. urges Pakistan to resolve Afghan refugees' status 

Big Bird , like many of the other Sesame Street characters , is a Muppet character.

The Voice Of One Man Is The Voice Of No One

I've been sleeping with my girlfriend and her twin, but luckily I can tell them apart. Her brother has a moustache.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

`` Won't Go Home Without You '' is the third single released from Maroon 5 's second album , It Won't Be Soon Before Long.



Me: Why are you crying? Cats love to sleep.


HR MANAGER: really more an employer/employee relationship, but yes, we provide full benefits

In 907 Herisau is mentioned for the first time , the canton is named first in 1071.



Flat earthers: Across. You can’t just go across.

I ran out of sick days, so now I call in dead.

I used to be a plastic surgeon. That raised a few eyebrows.





      It's not the end of the world

okay Mr. Vesuvius, how can we get you to volca-yes?

science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"







me: people need to know

Still can't believe my mate died last week. He overdosed on Viagra. His wife took it really hard.

The Full Moon Party is an all-night beach party that takes place in Haad Rin on the island of Ko Pha Ngan , Thailand on the night of every full moon.

My wife stood in front of the mirror:"I'm massive" she moaned. "Will you help me?" "Of course," I said, as I moved the mirror further away.

Creditors Have Better Memories Than Debtors

They may be cooked on the stovetop , or in a slow cooker.

Fortune Favours The Brave (The Bold)

to catch a cab, you must think like a cab

My mates laughed at me because my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they are too!

Keep your friends close, and let your enemies move in together.

Watching Jeopardy backward is like seeing 3 panelists ask questions where Trebek always gets them right

asked to leave the gas station again because I’m not buying any. I’m just browsing the pumps looking at the gas





Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?

Provides an easy way to cite Geographic Names Information System data.

Migrants storm French port of Calais and board British ferry 



Me, who dislikes myself: ok

MORE: U.S. medevac helicopter responding to wounded U.S. Special Forces down in Afghanistan: report 

To do:
1) Dig a hole
2) Name it love
3) Watch people fall in it

Let Bygones Be Bygones

Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

The mills have now all closed . Today Swizzels Matlow , who make children 's sweets , is a large employer.

Take my advice, do not take my advice.



Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

See the full selection of licensing templates available.

Bourke 's account was from an interview with Crazy Horse 's relative and rival , Little Big Man , who was present at Crazy Horse 's arrest and wounding . The interview took place over a year after Crazy Horse 's death.

When can't a pen write out a check? When it's broke. 

Where would Voldemort go if he played the trumpet? Jazzkaban.

 Billionaire activist Steyer says not yet ready to back Clinton, open to Sanders.  

Some of the topics include packing , the discovery of long-lost treasures , giving things away , and doing things one last time.

- What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires

Bavarian leader defends planned visit to Putin in Moscow 

Eating Triscuits always feels like I'm chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

See List of compositions by Germaine Tailleferre.

I once encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.

The earliest dinner reservations we could get tonight was 9pm and my husband suggested we go get cheeseburgers around 6 to hold us over during this difficult time.

Men don't care whats on tv. They care what else is on tv.

Baseball uniforms were first worn by the New York Knickerbockers Baseball Club in 1849.

Clinton, Sanders take new combative tone into first one-on-one debate 

Where does Sean Connery shit? On any chair he finds.

The name RPM refers to two things : a software package file format , and software packaged in this format.

More than 1,200 boat migrants rescued off Libya on Tuesday: Italian coast guard. 






Goat

I hope to age like a fine wine: alone in my house.



Me: I have a grandma.

In fact , the last three presidents were previously officials in the Swiss government.

Thirst for coffee sparks supply worries. Watch:  

VIDEO. The Exchange: Garry Kasparov forecasts bloody regime change in Russia. Watch -  

Distressed freighter off French coast towed to Bilbao 







YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

?

Thought I could hear onions in the fridge singing beegees songs... Turned out it was the chives talking

Obama visits mosque, declares attacks on Islam are attacks on all faiths.  

Always remember what my late Grandad said to me. 'Sorry I'm late'

Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me.

Did you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots.

After two years away from television , the Boosh returned in November 2007.

The first two conventions used German , and the last conference used only Volapük.

Wow, I'm approaching 100k followers. You guys remember the pact: when I hit 100k we invade Canada. You signed up for this.

At the end of the Purim story , Haman is hanged.

thank you ikea for this extremely powerful $15,000 couch

An adult hagfish can secrete enough slime to turn a 20 litre bucket of water into slime in a matter of minutes.

Since the discovery of his `` Letter to the Alexandrians '' in the last century , much work has been done to rehabilitate Claudius and determine where the truth lies.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose. 

Germany wants extension of Schengen border controls: paper 

Made an unexpected friend while working Instacart today

Because of this , they are commonly used as guide dogs , mobility assistance dogs , and search and rescue dogs.

It is one of the five rivers which gives the Punjab region its name.

Money isn't everything. You're credit is, however.

It was first documented in 1400.

Kampen has one of the best preserved old town centres of the Netherlands.

Edward I of England required that every town have one.

[bernie sanders voice] eighty percent of the ARMS, in this FIGHT, belong to docta octopus

Christmas Comes But Once A Year, (But When It Comes It Brings Good Cheer)

French data privacy regulator cracks down on Facebook  

me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*

The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck

For cats in general , see.

Coming before the crowd one last time , Pilate declares Jesus innocent , washing his own hands in water to show he has no part in this condemnation.



Me: anything but you

the top of the "t" in "hat" is there as an example



*according to a friend…

Why did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing!

i dont want a boyfriend i want free clothes and normal brain chemistry

What's blue and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket. What's red and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket in disguise.

To Err is Human, to Arrr is Pirate!

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.

Einstein's gravitational waves detected in landmark discovery  

Use to get `` U.S. '' will give `` U.S. '' if spelling is set to US & `` US '' otherwise

Austria says migrant flow to be slowed 'step by step': report 

Democratic race gets angry: Elections 2016 

Tent city on Greek border grows as migrant stalemate persists 

Suicide bombing in Afghan capital, near Russian embassy: police. 

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

Argentine investigator says Nisman death points to murder 

He was caught the next day , but while on the run he had killed the horse and cut his brand out of the hide , thus destroying the evidence.

Germany offers Afghanistan help to take back migrants 

The name sometimes appears as Vitidaceae , but Vitaceae is a conserved name and therefore has priority over both Vitidaceae and another name sometimes found in the older literature , Ampelidaceae.



ME: Oh yeah

Before One Can Say Jack Robinson

Asian shares surrender gains as oil prices retreat  

He has two adult children from his first marriage to Patricia Derwinski , Maureen and Michael.

Paris police shoot dead knife-wielding man - police sources: 

'National security' related arrest made in Sacramento: official 

Scratch My Back And I'll Scratch Yours

Traditional raised beds promote good drainage.

what’s that thing called where you eat a lot of spaghetti and then eat more because i have that.

I won’t be taking questions.

I MUSTACHE you a question, but I'll SHAVE it for later.

What activity do 3 out of 4 people call a good time? Gang rape.

The new line-up released Badmotorfinger in 1991.

EU needs detention and removal centre for migrants - official  

UK carmakers benefit from Brexit jitters, but most urge staying in EU  

And it is impossible for a man of many trades to do all of them well.

Tourist sport fishermen and vacationers are free to fish in the lake as long as they don't use nets.

Me: *first day as CEO of Netflix* Let's stop making Adam Sandler films.



Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?

I also have another cartoon in the current issue

Answering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you."

Get in loser. It’s a perfect night for star gazing, blasting the music, and perhaps starting a new life somewhere else.

What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.

Yes, Janice, I'm using pizza rolls as salad croutons.  Get off my back.

poly couples in LA be like “we’re married but maybe you’re the sexy little unicorn we’ve been waiting for to go exploring bodies with  we’re also looking to start a writers group”

What's blue and comes in pints? A Whale.

Why can't T-Rex clap its hands? Because they're extinct.

Being insoluble in water , they can be purified by washing away the associated starch.

A saddle , regardless of type , must fit both horse and rider.

U.S. aircraft hit Islamic State militants in Libya, more than 40 dead

I am so jealous of my parents because there is no way I'll get a kid as cool as theirs.

Archival film footage of New Westminster 's May Day celebrations from 1932-1962 can be seen online at Quest for the Queens.

There IS intelligent life in the universe.  It ignores us.

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found at all corners of the earth. Then he made the world round and laughed.."



Also me: I like sex u in u end tho lol

Aristide has behind-the-scenes role in Haiti's new crisis  

Why do sorority girls walk in odd-numbered packs? Because they can't even.

Lorenz does not see human independence from natural ecological processes as necessarily bad.

Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations

Who called it Instant Pot and not Speed Weed

What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. 

Why did the joke about the roof get no laughs? It went over their heads.

When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.

See List of heritage railways.

His second marriage only lasted two years.

Anti-immigrant 'Soldiers of Odin' expand from Finland to Nordics, Baltics:  

New Lords, New Laws

"You're like a coin." ... 
"Awwww, valuable?" ... 
"Nope, two faced"

British rock band Viola Beach reported killed in car crash in Sweden 



We cannot be compliant with child abuse. These judges are astounded at the argument for it 






4. Even if they were, this would still be considered cruel, unusual

A minimum spanning tree or minimum weight spanning tree is then a spanning tree with weight less than or equal to the weight of every other spanning tree.

Syrian army, allies advance against Islamic State in eastern Aleppo - reports  



Also me: Yum yum let’s turn on twitter and see who’s yellin







Big veiny penis: *crying*

On the campaign trail will Bill, it's all about Hillary 

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.


HBO: Here are ads for a bunch of new shows that we’ll cancel after 2 seasons

This makes it acceptable to many Arians and Unitarians.

Gillespie had two funerals.

This subtemplate is supposed to be empty.

House opens inquiry into whether government doing enough to protect drug-dependent babies:   

Rouhani shows determination to end embassy attacks in Iran 



Except she can’t say it quite right and is walking around the house saying, “Fack! Fack!”

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

EU's Tusk confident of EU deal for Britain next week 

A baby seal walks into a club...

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van

Most of the new wind capacity added in the last two years has been in the Abilene-Sweetwater area.

'How would you like your eggs?' the waiter asked. "Sunny-side up, please" I requested. "Madam?" he asked my wife. "In a big cake," she wheezed.

















Dad: oh sex, right

Seven candidates qualify for Thursday's main presidential debate  

They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.





OTHER FIREFIGHTER: Damn Larry you’re just gonna have all that ass?



[me 35 minutes at the party] I think tv picture quality has gotten too good

Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.

When all the earth 's fire begins to go out , Hercules and Deianeira must go in search for fire to stop the world from cold.

Iraqi Kurdish leader calls for non-binding independence referendum 

What do you say to God when he sneezes?

China promises economic stability as G20, parliament loom  

It is approximately half way between Sydney and Wollongong , at the southern end of the Royal National Park.

these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain *bites into chili dog*

It Is Enough To Make A Cat Laugh

Russia says Litvinenko inquiry will hurt ties with Britain:  

If winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?

Karen is not a name. It’s a rank you earn... that’s why you’ve never seen a baby named Karen.

This process takes place over many generations , and is one of the basic phenomena of biology.

However , the storm passed well to the south with little effect.

Somalia's al Shabaab say behind airline blast 

These features are available to both silver and gold members on Xbox Live.

Osama's last tweet: "I didn't know Twitter could enable your location, this may be a problem"

My 8-year-old asked for long socks for his birthday so he’s either turning 9 or 90.

Its belly and soles are cream-colored , while their eyes are light blue in color.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You done told her twice.

Care must be taken not to name a universal template with a name that would be an awkward or peculiar word in the other languages.

To Throw Dust In Somebody's Eyes



Chris Hemsworth: *bursting through the door* Hallelujah I found someon—oh god

The center of this cult was in uten-ha/Sa-ka / Cynopolis , a place whose Greek name simply means `` city of dogs ''.

Spy agencies say Clinton emails closely matched top secret documents: sources 

Best gender reveal ever

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

One of three escaped California inmates captured: local media 

Started moving. Related note: decided to be a minimalist.

Vast winter storm targets East Coast; hundreds of flights canceled 

He is known as a good friend of Kofi Annan.

Troops were nicknamed the Long hair.

Today , the Comanche Nation consists of 14,105 members , about half of whom live in Oklahoma , and the remainder are concentrated in Texas , California , and New Mexico.

The police are waiting outside , and Killer Kane goes back to prison forever.

Blatter disappointed soccer ban upheld by FIFA appeal body - paper:   

This track received two nominations at the Grammy Awards of 1992 for Best Rock Song and Best Rock Performance , Solo , winning none.

sure sex is great and all but have you ever put ketchup on scrambled eggs

I don't always know how to use certain terms correctly, per se

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Frequent ejaculation through masturbation from an early age fosters frequent ejaculation well into adulthood.

Mexican and Black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

If my friend asks me to keep a secret, and says, "Don't tell a soul," can I still tell my ginger friend?

One does not talk to the telephone ; rather the telephone is a way to interact with another person.

Cambridge is best known as the home of the University of Cambridge , one of the world 's premier universities.

Jonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils. He said it was a whisk worth taking.

Australia seeks regional terrorism cooperation after Jakarta attack 

Released on 24 May 2004 , it was Bloc Party 's first V2 Records EP.

people say Jordan Peterson is a "spiritual leader" but Agatha Christie wrote some fifty books about sin, death and judgment, sold two billion copies AND faked her own death. a legend.

Tastes Differ

On my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine. Then the penny dropped.

Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines..







me: *passing out* ...nice...

Please take your endless energy and go away.

If a deaf person swears, does their mom wash their hands with soap?

Big turnout as Iran votes to shape post-sanctions era  

My Mrs has recently started eating sofas, it's weird... But then again she's always had a suite tooth.

i would APPRECIATE IT of you could respond IMMEDIATELY to the email I was three weeks late in sending you, it's called politeness look it up

Zeus makes several appearances on the show , even saving his son 's life and restoring his superhuman strength on one occasion when he needs it the most.

Look at this guy smash his own nuts by crossing his legs.

Taiwan quake kills at least 11, fells apartment block 

UK supermarket Asda sees volatile sales in 2016  

In 1505 Michelangelo was invited back to Rome by the newly elected Pope Julius II.

Crashed my dads new car into a lemon tree! He's still bitter about it

Towards the end of the American tour I felt like I could still kinda sing , but I wasn't really giving the band a fair shake.

U.S. appeals court declines to block Obama carbon emissions plan:  

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.



doctor: ok, I'll do it graffiti style

Very little is known about the habits of this unusual mouse.

I woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

This was Elijah 's first encounter with Jezebel , and not the last.

A cop pulled over a Rabbi on Yom Kippur and said "hey you were speeding". The Rabbi replied "no, I'm fasting".

Magnitude 6.1 earthquake jolts central China 

Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.

Alfa Romeo could enter own F1 team, says Marchionne  

This guy once told me you're never more than 10 ft away from a rat. Suspicious looking chap. Pointy face. Long tail

What do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.

EU banking watchdog launches stress test no bank can fail  

Outside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness, so I bought a flake.

The `` Tn '' name is short for Template name.

Some guy said to me 'why are you carrying a 9ft book?' I said 'Its a long story'

Desperate Diseases Must Have Desperate Remedies





Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Mexico 'affluenza' teen drops bid to block extradition to U.S.: judicial source 

Many aquatic and some terrestrial plant species use hydrochory , or seed dispersal through water.


And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before

 Four Americans in Bahrain have been released: lawyer

U.N. migration chief says Angela Merkel is a hero 

i crash my car and hundreds of clean underwear spill from the glove box encircling me and keeping me from harm

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $300 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

As Plain As The Nose On A Man's Face







The only flags allowed to fly are pride.

my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"

The origin of the Atlantis myth lies in one of Plato's dialogues where a student asks Socrates where he got these cool whelk-toed sandals and he says "This place in Atlantis called Crustashoes before it, you know, went under lol here you can just have them I have philosophy."

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib Death.

Fire begins to return.

Did you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? Roomers were flying around.

Powerball hits $1.5 billion, largest-ever lottery jackpot for one winner -  

The following list of cat breeds includes domestic cat breeds and domestic/wild hybrids.

White House says Department of Justice is not asking Apple to create a new backdoor, asking for access to one device

Wife said she was going to leave me if I continued to sing Oasis. I said maybe...

Why are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.

Every Man Has His Hobby-Horse

Gold on course for longest winning run since 2011  

Ferrets under one year old are known as kits.

Canadian pastor held in North Korea labor camp digs holes alone: CNN  

If Donald Trump gets elected president there's gonna be hell toupée.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

Despite having two caudal vertebrae , Kitti 's Hog-nosed Bat has no visible tail.

Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had loco motives.

When The Pinch Comes, You Remember The Old Shoe

U.S. military urges 'decisive action' against Islamic State in Libya 

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

our generation as grandparents is gonna be weird like imagine ur grandpa listening to drake or texting u “lmao i’m dead”

To date , Bad Religion has released fourteen studio albums , two EPs , three compilation albums , one live recording , and two DVDs.



Waiter: “Cocaine.”

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad.

The two remaining contestants ' golden balls are again put back into the ball machine and one more Killer ball is added , leaving eleven golden balls in play.

My boss has a heart of gold. Or whatever metal they're using these days to make robot hearts.

More than 62,000 migrant arrivals in Greece last month: IOM 

Many amusement rides provide rotation.

He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.

Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.

 No casualties, injuries or evidence of a shooting at Naval Medical Center San Diego - Navy 

My friend's dad has just got a new pacemaker. He's a little Kenyan lad who runs ten metres in front of him.

Asian stocks struggle as headwinds grow; gold shines  

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.



Now get the fuck off my lawn.

I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out. She pulled some strings and got me in.

Sled dogs are expected to demonstrate two major qualities in their work.

Hercules tutors the people of Troy and prepares them to battle to take back Troy.

I heard a bunch of Japanese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.

My hugely-fat teacher was talking about the issue of obesity in America. Talk about an elephant in the room.

George Orwell died from tuberculosis, a disease since made preventable by a vaccine.



ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Grasp All, Lose All

When I was growing up, people got abortions. Desperate women turned to back alley butchers or even tried the procedure on their own. Some were lucky, but others weren't. They all went through hell. Access to safe, legal abortion is a constitutional RIGHT. Full stop.

What's going on with the weather? I haven't the foggiest.

Pennsylvania officials can prosecute Cosby for sex assault: judge 

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Death toll at collapsed building in Taiwanese city reaches 114 as rescue efforts end 







*kicks dirt

U.N. may delay Syria talks, says U.S., Russia must guarantee truce 

Queen - We will rock you

After that , it would have begun to rain at low altitude.

Jimmie Foxx was the first player to win multiple times ; ten players have won three times and seventeen have won twice.

Unlocking iPhone 'bad for America': Apple CEO

When the water is clear? After only two rounds? I just have to whisper “witch” to myself. (I’m Vers btw)

The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006

Saint Alphonsa is the first saint.

FBI says video shows slain Oregon occupier reach for jacket pocket:  

A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Video games in the Mega Man series.

The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood control project. This is because Missouri loves company.

Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.

Luis was also one of three retired hurricane name starting with L , the others were Lenny in 1999 and Lili in 2002.

Germany calls on EU to help Greece, urges Athens to protect border:  

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist? The art

What did the Zombie plumber cry? DRAAAAAINS. 





CYCLOPS: *a solitary tear forms* this is the happiest day of my life

Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths.

At that time one white maggot comes out of the larvae , suspended by a silken thread.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.

All of us share the earth with crocodiles, which are literal fucking dinosaurs, and we just walk around buying eggs and light bulbs. Wake up humanity we are at WAR here!!!

The fields and must be specified.

Much like the tail , the claw in apes is no longer necessary.

Many boats were also lost as a result of Jose.

The terms old moon and new moon are interchangeable , although new moon is more common.

To Draw (Pull) In One's Horns

Syngenta deal could pave way for biotech acceptance from China users  

Today she is considered one of Korea 's most famous and accomplished ballad singers.

Moody's cuts China outlook to negative:  

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Crises spoil Chinese, Russian appetite for luxury London property 

Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery, odds are about the same.

It's difficult for me to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the seashore.







MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

If You Laugh Before Breakfast You'll Cry Before Supper

My girlfriend just asked me "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel".

California high-speed rail's first leg to connect Central and Silicon valleys  

The first Royal Rumble took place on January 24 , 1988 and was broadcast live on the USA Network.

If you’re ever feeling lazy just remember that john carpenter directed the greatest horror movie ever made then decided to call it the thing

HQ debate settled, HSBC spotlight turns to top-level succession  

British Gas to cut household gas prices by 5 percent:  

At least 42 migrants drown as boats capsize off Greek islands 



DAVID BOWIE: shut the hell up

I didn’t care about Avengers but please don’t spoil the new Toy Story movie.

See Great Apostasy.

FBI agent says evidence manipulated in Baltimore 'Serial' hearing  

FINALLY the representation I have always PRAYED and AWAITED FOR

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

Indonesia blames Islamic State for attack by suicide bombers and gunmen in Jakarta:  

U.N. panel rebukes Iran for allowing sex, execution at nine years old 

"How do construction workers remember their tasks? They drill them into their head!"

Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.

Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achilles' Horse.






Horse: “No problem. It's just a stupid expression.”







Me: bad choice

In Buddhism , the first schism was set up by Devadatta , during Buddha 's life.

The first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.

Cameron upbeat but poll shows Britons tilting toward leaving EU 

There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

Like other tribes , they were nomads.

Borrowed Garments Never Fit Well

What do you call a judge with no fingers? Justice Thumbs

UK regulators demand five-year references for senior bankers:  

Most water turbines in use are reaction turbines and are used in low head applications.

Having sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.

Yo mama is so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.




And we are all vaccinated.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

hey "nice" manbun haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [he turns around and reveals he is a samurai from the tokugawa shogunate] oh fuck

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

You know you're ugly when a boiling kettle won't even give you a whistle.

Walking the dog in the cemetery and I saw a man crouching behind a headstone. I shouted 'morning!'He replied 'no mate, just taking a shit'







SPRINT: remember that verizon guy with the glasses lmao

Leslie 's father , Bill Burke , tells Jess that she loved him , and thanks him for being a very good friend to her , since she had trouble making friends at her old school.

What's the definition of a microwave? A flea saying goodbye.

To enjoy qin songs , one must learn to become accustomed to the eccentric style some players may sing their songs to , like in the case of Zha Fuxi.







And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™

Further problems soon arose.

Sort out your toenails

Armed with new U.S. money, NATO to strengthen Russia deterrence 

Russia calls Turkey strikes on Syria 'absolute lawlessness': RIA 

Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"?

I am so stupid and so tired please stop expecting things from me

Moody's sees Brexit hitting whole EU; watching Poland closely  

I hate people asking me if this tweet is true like no it’s not true there wasn’t a zombie apocalypse

Four Eyes See More (Better) Than Two

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.

During this time , he played for the New York Rangers , Toronto Maple Leafs , Montreal Canadiens , Chicago Black Hawks , Montreal Maroons , and New York Americans.

This day in history. 1789. The French Third Estate uttered the Tennis Court Oath: WHAT"S FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.

white women to the waiter when their dressing didn’t come on the side

#OscarsSoWhite quickly revived on Twitter following Oscar nominations:  

GE to move headquarters to Boston from Connecticut 

Wanna be realy stoned?  Drink wet cement.



[me, talking to me] you better be fucken perfect at this right away or I swear to god

Life is like a bubble bath. All fun and games till till you get some in your eye.

The last piece of that Butterfinger I ate in '07 finally came out of my teeth.

Syria talks start on Friday, but can't say who with or when : U.N. 

Turkey says offers to sign migrant readmission agreements with 14 countries 





HOT AIR RACCOON: [gently blowing hot air onto a pizza to warm it up]



Geoff: Yeah I reomeombeor

Japanese Emperor Akihito diagnosed with influenza  

Lawyers for Assange ask Swedish court to overturn arrest warrant 





Me: oh I’m not a cop lol

oh no

They were briefly left without a drummer until they were able to lure Skin Yard drummer Matt Cameron away from his band.

Another method of ducking was to use the tumbrel , which consisted of a chair on two wheels with two long shafts fixed to the axles.

It is a large scoria volcano with two craters , which last erupted about one million years ago.

[1789, woman opens beautifully wrapped hand delivered message] Oh my. Yet another gentleman caller has sent me his penis portrait.

A fun alternative to saying "go to hell" is saying "hop on this conference call"

All exorcism is: B(r)east Reduction

Some mistakes are just too much to do only once.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

The group gives Wales full access to and.

In areas with two wet and dry seasons each year , there may be two pairs of light and dark rings each year ; and in some , there may be a new growth ring with each rainfall.

I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. --

Never. Owning said typo with head high and dignity.

Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans 

You ever see a straw with like maybe 2 mild bends in it trying to act like it’s a crazy straw? You’re a slightly unusual straw at best

All Sugar And Honey

"I bet you can wrap presents with your eyes shut" I said to my wife. "I probably could" she laughed. "Great I'll just go and get yours" I said.

I guess you heard about me weeing in the newsagents yesterday? It was all over the papers.

The name ecliptic arises because eclipses occur when the full or new Moon is very close to this path of the Sun.

Three units were built , one two-car unit , and two four-car units.

'In' camp leads ahead of Britain's EU referendum, but gap narrows 



Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*




Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Two Palestinians shot dead after stabbing two Israelis in West Bank: police 

wtf they named a sandwich after my new song

A year on from Nigerian election victory, Buhari's reforms founder 

Russia to continue air strikes around Aleppo even if ceasefire is agreed: Interfax 

Most trains either run non-stop between Liverpool Street and Tottenham Hale or make one intermediate stop at Hackney Downs.

Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel. I won!

Occultations by Hermione have been successfully observed three times so far , the last time in February , 2004.

A book fell on my head... I can't blame myshelf.

During the two years he studied at Yerevan # 8 college of Fine Arts.

BMX icon Dave Mirra dead at 41 in apparent suicide: police 

Iran could decide fate of first global oil deal for 15 years  



Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?

U.S. issues treatment guidelines for infants exposed to Zika:  

German-Russian ties feel Cold War-style chill over rape case 

It has curled head feathering and twisted central tail feathers.

Better Die Standing Than Live Kneeling

Klang may have taken its name from the Klang River which runs through the town.

Several ribosomes may be attached to a single mRNA at any time.

if your job is arguing that sick kids should be made to sleep on freezing concrete you quit that job

I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

Moscow expects explanation from Saudis over participation in Syria operation: TASS 

Guy 1: look what I found? A needle in a haystack.
Guy 2: I can beat that, I found a job.
Guy 1: oooh, you win.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? Because it was Luke warm.

Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I said I had a headache.

I hate helping people. I think I'll get a job at Apple.

Still Waters Run Deep

What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem. 

If my kids don't come when I call them I just give my wife a big passionate kiss and all of a sudden there they are

Harper Lee, author of 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' dies: report.  

Erdogan chastises U.S. over support for Syrian Kurds:  

By that time , there were 80 Franklins supermarkets across New South Wales . The only Franklins store to open that year was the one in Newcastle.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest addresses questions on North Korea's claims that it tested a H-bomb. 

Teasing is a word with many meanings.

Denmark environment minister to step down, bringing coalition crisis to a head 

Gynaecologist, at your cervix.

These changes may remain through cell divisions for the remainder of the cell 's life and may also last for multiple generations.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you've been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't resist anything 25% off.

Money Is A Good Servant But A Bad Master

Spears lost physical custody of her children to Federline on October 1 , with the court ruling that Federline will keep full custody of the children.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.

His middle name was in honor of former President Theodore Roosevelt , who died twenty-five days before Robinson was born.

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Are Hatched

Public asked to help close 18-minute gap in San Bernardino probe 

Sometimes I laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out. It's really starting to worry me..Why is wee coming out of my mouth?

Stuck in 'halfway place,' remote Canadian community reels from shooting  

take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road.

Russia to call U.N. Security Council session on Syria on Friday 

if u guys don’t start retweeting the tweets i’m proud  of i swear to god I’m gonna probly adjust my tweeting style to ur liking because i need u

The Tour of Britain was extended to seven days for 2007 , with the extra day being used to run a stage in Somerset for the first time.

The Great Barrier Reef supports a diversity of life , including many vulnerable or endangered species , some of which may be endemic to the reef system.

Its capacity is three and a half times that of Sydney Harbour and supplies water for irrigation schemes downstream.

I come from a long line of Conga dancers.

Im sorry, did The middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

Kinetic energy can be passed from one object to another.



I will be taking questions at this time.

Costa Rica finished in the fourth place.

The place name La Hoguette is believed to derive from the Old Norse word Haugr meaning a knoll or a hill.

Feast Today And Fast Tomorrow

My girlfriend wanted perfume and jewellery for her birthday, but I got her a chocolate egg and a toy instead. She was kinder surprised.

Islamic State finds 'diminishing returns' on Twitter: report 

LEMON is featured in school textbooks ; there aren't many Japanese who don't know the story.

Russia raises specter of permanent or 'world war' if Syria talks fail 

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Cancel me daddy. I've been a problematic little boy

What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

So stressed my acne just broke out.

Sorry your Twitter dom is busy planting impatiens today.

Give all teachers Gundams

I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles.It was a love triangle.

fun adult game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are. it's cool as heck and you can play for hours

The name is believed to come from Gaelic , and means `` Place of the little stump '' , `` outcrop '' or `` block ''.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The best known succulents are cacti.

I took an airline to court over my missing luggage. They lost the case.

You Cannot Flay The Same Ox Twice

Leah could sign full sentences long before her ` hearing ' peers could even speak , and as a result , her parents say she never threw a tantrum.

U.S. and EU regulators urge Indian drug companies to step up standards  

Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

Got some new underwear today, well, to me.

What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee

Caution Is The Parent Of Safety

LaGrossa will again compete on alongside Tom Westman who returns for the first time.

Balukas admits to having been under great pressure , much of it self-imposed.

To Work With The Left Hand

Ho ho ho: Santa's cry, or three prostitutes.

During which battle was Lord Nelson killed? His last one.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field?

I've been invited round a neighbours for a pre Christmas drink with nibbles. They treat that fucking cat like royalty.

I like my women like I like my whiskey, Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.

For the first time ever , the initial tribes were divided by sex.

Toyota to stop Japan production for one week due to steel shortage  

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?











Me: A beluga whale in a moderate gale

Haiti set to form transitional government to fill power vacuum 

What do you call a man who lives in a back street? Ali.

Matthew Fox stated in an interview that in the final season , the characters of Jack Shephard and John Locke `` will come head to head . ''

[three weird tweets through which I attempt to bring people joy followed by a rt about genocide]

Master race my fucking ass you could take down any KKK assembly with lactose and a packet of taco bell diablo hot sauce





...He's not your man. He's an apostrophe

If time zone information is specified , the otherwise optional timezone parameter must be set.

 Liberated Washington Post reporter Jason Rezaian says there are ''many people to thank'' for his release. 

Judge Not Of Men And Things At First Sight

Anna was born at Flatbrookville , Walpack Township , New Jersey on July 25 , 1775 to Judge John Cleves and Anna Tuthill Symmes of Long Island.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!

I just had someone correct my spelling on my birthday, they should be put to death, correct?

Why was the student's report card wet?
Because his grades were below C-Level.

I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!



Best tweet will be quoted and pinned to my profile

Grand jury indicts 16 in connection with Oregon occupation  

Eight people killed in German train crash, 100 injured: Bavarian police

Success Is Never Blamed

Syria army seizes strategic town in Deraa province-monitor 





Walmart greeter: Enjoy your stay

Possible debris from Malaysia flight MH370 found near Mozambique: NBC 

Russian parliament rejects minute's silence for slain Kremlin critic Nemtsov 

College began on an ominous note when, on move in day, my roommate’s dad identified some scratches on our door as a series of satanic symbols





ME: wiener

Hartley has come a long way since the `` clearing in the wood where the deer are '' of a thousand years ago , to the small dormitory town of today.










chaotic evil - taurus

Born in New York , New York , Jennings was owner of the New York Rangers from 1959 until his death in 1981.





I bombed while getting robbed.

Shower doors are doors used in bathrooms that help keep water inside a shower or bathtub and are great alternatives to shower curtains.

What do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.

This would allow up to four instructions to be `` in flight '' at one time , making the processor look four times as fast.

See municipalities of Baja California.











Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ

Girl: Do you know, why were females created before males?
Boy: Because God needed a rough funny draft before the final copy!

Timbuktu is assumed to have had one of the first universities in the world.



me: oh good the bow is cutting off my circulation

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Chiron cures him and Percy leaves to attend another school found by his mother.

In the 2006 NBA Playoffs , the Miami Heat would go on to win their first NBA Championship.

Towards the end of his life , contemporaries considered him more of a children 's poet as many of his readers were children.









• spreadsheets

A WORD

Gunmen kill three Mali soldiers in attack on checkpoint 

A bloke was shagging his overweight missus, when his phone rings."You'll have to ring me back mate, I'm in the tub" he said.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

'Affluenza' mother enters no plea at Texas arraignment 

Brazilian studies aim to unravel Zika's link to birth defects 

Islamic State attacks YPG-held town at Turkish border 

Bernie Sanders goes on the offensive against front-runner Clinton:  

To Hit The Nail On The Head

Boris Johnson defies David Cameron to campaign for Brexit :

Chip 'n Dale are two animated chipmunks created by The Walt Disney Company.

Many species of skippers look frustratingly alike.

You've seen one shopping centre. You've seen the mall.

To Give A Lark To Catch A Kite










Wife: While you’re up....

In southern Africa, an illusion built on aid heralds hope and hunger 







me: more debt maybe

Asian shares off to cautious start after G20, U.S. data  

Last night I accidentally saw the woman who lives next door masturbating naked on her bed. I was so shocked I fell out of the tree.

England at sixes, Scotland at sevens for Calcutta clash  

Additionally , Tempo was also Mozambique 's first full color magazine.

Speculators veer toward stronger euro in headache for ECB  

Kerry says there will be no 'fundamental delay' in Syria talks 

This May Day celebration began in 1870 and is approaching one hundred and forty years of age.

Plastic in Snickers bar prompts Mars recall in 55 countries  

Are there really rhetorical questions?

I am afraid of Santa-- I must be claustrophobic

Who wants deer lickies

Manchester United fans plan Europa League ticket price protest 

Russia will send first S-300 missile system to Iran on Thursday: RIA 

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? He had nobody to go with.

I figure what I lack in knowledge I make up for in theories.

Anti-nuclear critics see nuclear power as a dangerous , expensive way to boil water to generate electricity.

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club

Ginger ales come in two varieties : golden ginger ale and dry ginger ale.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

To Know Everything Is To Know Nothing

Turkey calls for unconditional US support against Kurdish YPG  

Work is carried out from a combined studio and workshop where concept development , detailing , prototyping and small scale fabrication take place.

U.S. consumer spending softens; savings hit three-year high 

My wife's head just spun around and then she vomited green slimeI've no idea what's possessed her.

To silence propaganda, Iraq seeks to take Islamic State offline  

The great albatrosses take over a year to raise a chick from laying to fledging.

4:35 A.M. THIS WAS A HORRIBLE MISTAKE

Analysis - EU designs permanent outer circle to keep Britain in 

"What did the pervert olive say to the sexy olive? I hope you take olive your clothes off!"

The words mantle and pallium both originally meant cloak or cape , see mantle.

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRGH.

Asian shares drop to 2011 levels as oil slump intensifies  

Paddys wife shouts:"Did you find the shampoo?" He answers:"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"



May I borrow a cup of cocaine?

Young Victor fell in love and against his mother 's wishes , became secretly engaged to his childhood friend Adèle Foucher.

What do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist.

The band formed their own label and released a 3-disc live performance CD/DVD set , Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album.

Every time I need to mask the terrible taste of a corona, a corona gets it's lime.

They also made extensive use of new materials and manufacturing methods developed at the time.

This material would eventually form the Moon.

Kurds call Baghdad's oil-for-salaries offer 'cheap political bartering' 

French advisers helping Libyan forces fight Islamic State in Benghazi -Libyan commander  

When does Sean Connery show up to Wimbeldon? About tennish

Judge leaning toward sealing some evidence in the Cosby sex suit:  







me:  *starts undressing*

who is this

Release of jailed Turkish journalists is 'defeat' for Erdogan, Dundar says 





boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY

Cashiers are always checking me out.

for the new yorker's kid lit project, i wrote about one of my favorites, the mog the cat series!!!!

If u don’t cry at the end of ur birthday was it ever ur birthday

 Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars. Cut off all my oxygen and dump my corpse on Mars.

Izanagi retorts that a thousand and five hundred will be born every day.

Elleene Polley, inventor of the TV remote, has died. He shall be buried underneath the sofa cushions.

Scored a job as an accountant. My new nickname is 'The Thought'.

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Many living in the area were caught off guard when Katrina strengthened from a tropical storm to a hurricane in one day and struck southern Florida on August 25 , 2005.









ME: I know...it tells me how many hours I've got left until bedtime.

How do snails fight? They slug it out.

AN ADULT IN THERAPY IN THE YEAR 2035: he said he was going out to record his podcast one day and he just...never came back. sometimes he snapped me and my mom asking to know the tea sis but if dad really wanted tea why didn’t he just come home

I was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.

Brazil authorizes forced entry to private property to fight Zika 







Ghost Rider: Preeeetty sure I mentioned that in my bio.

Renamed the router "Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi-Fi"

Often Spurgeon 's wife was too ill for her to leave home to hear him preach.

Twitter says Dorsey continues to forego direct compensation  

Caviar, champagne at Harrods: Some Mexican anti-graft busters live large 

It is also appropriate for guitar music , with drop D tuning making two Ds available as open strings.

Saving your document as "fgaskljdflkjsan" and having your computer say the file name is already taken.

Hawaii's Big Island declares state of emergency over dengue fever infections:  





Flea: Holy shit.

They may also damage trees in forests.

You're telling me I need to study? No thanks, I'll pass.

He was born near Qamishlo in Syria.

He was one of Walt Disney 's team of animators known as the Nine Old Men.

What's small, brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?A coconut in disguise.

They store water in their succulent leaves.

Student loan forgiveness.

Woke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch. The plot thickens.

I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like, but I'm sure the mass will be the same.

I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde - Dolly Parton




** pronounced like good

The keepers ' cottages are today let as holiday houses.

We once had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

The company continued its activity under the name `` Vacheron & Constantin ''.



Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

If true , this would imply that there are no odd perfect numbers.

Dante had already fallen in love with another woman , Beatrice Portinari.

My niece just told me about her plan to become an "instagram influenza" and honestly I think that's exactly what the world needs.

I thought you guys were cool but none of you fucking told me that five of George Foreman’s sons are named George Foreman.

Did you hear about the Ethiopian Vs. US soccer game? USA: 8 Ethiopia: Didn't.

A Bird May Be Known By Its Song

My car is so small that I overcompensate by having a large penis.








 what crocs

The only computers I trust with my women are Unix.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.







what wholesome adorable fun. lucky ducks.

Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house!

If the debate is “but are they REALLY concentration camps”, that’s a pretty good sign that they’re concentration camps.





Me: oh I’m not a cop lol

Don't join dangerous cults. Always practice safe sects!

Niger starts voting in presidential election  



me: why are you ruining my life







Me: I’ll tell you next week

I was pulled over by the police... "Have we been drinking sir" "No" I replied. "I don't remember you buying me a pint"

off to the gym everyone say good job erica

Today he lives in Redmond , Washington.

Homer is at first devastated , but decides that he must be a good father and support Bart.

Unprotected sleep: sleeping without an alarm clock.

What's red and white and flies at night? A sanitary owl.

Buckles was born in Bethany , Missouri.

I walked into the living room today and the wife had a box of Daz on top of the T.V.. I asked her why, she replied "there's was no Ariel".

Sterling jumps after EU official says good chance of deal for UK  

Like , man if I could just grow one , that would take care of a lot of problems . ''

Cologne explosives suspect says he only wanted to make drugs 

In 1930 , the union changed its name to the Fire Brigades Union.

China market tsar in spotlight amid stock market turmoil  

To Kick Against The Pricks

FTSE climbs as miners, banks rally:  

UAE plans to trim ministries, outsource most government services: PM 

A good that is made available at zero price is not necessarily a free good.








Mystery: OR IS IT

EU's Mogherini: no set date for dropping Iran sanctions, could be soon 

Preferably the first revision of all new articles would be beefed up enough so the suitability of an article for inclusion in the encyclopedia could be assessed without needing to look at potential.



me: no no I’ll find it thanks









waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

I'd hate to be distracted in this epic story of an angry CGI grape losing his magic glove.

You were born as an original, don't die as a copy!

Man who tried to enter Paris police station may have been wearing suicide belt - interior ministry

Uganda says detains general critical of veteran leader 

Anxious phone calls, tense moments before Iran's Supreme Leader okayed sailors' release:  

I just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu..





Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!

White House says the United States has 'rock solid commitment' to the safety of allies Japan and South Korea

Bulgarian drivers stage counter-blockade at Greek border 

Hawaii's Big Island declares emergency over dengue fever infections:  

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

If there has ever been a better picture taken than this egg ghost that’s scared of its own yellow egg boobs, I’m yet to see it.

Markets sell dried noodles and men-tsuyu , or instant noodle broth , to make home preparation easy.

Murray joins fathers' club after wife Kim gives birth 

U.S. Justice Department sues Ferguson, Missouri over police reform 

Nicola Sturgeon takes questions on benefits of EU membership:  

[my mom as a 911 operator] Well, that wasn't very smart, now was it?

Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? Because they don't fancy each other.

Ric Ocasek: *singing to a loaf of homemade bread*  I guess you’re just what I kneaded 

Nothing makes me feel more in control then the shaking, panicking icons when I'm about to delete an app.

It is the only station on the Morden branch of the Northern line whose name begins with a vowel and is one of only two stations on the London Underground with only four letters in its name.

yeah the apocalypse is kinda a bummer but I’m pretty excited for the roving bands of women who’ve taken 17 self-defense classes hunting down their abusers the cops said they’d “look into”

My father didn't love me as a child. Not surpirising really, I wasn't born until he was an adult.

Its name comes from the Spanish words for `` shrub '' and for `` little grape vine . ''

why are people not following me!!! is it bc of who i am as a person or my fundamental moral flaws? could not be an issue with my tweets

During rush hours , trains run roughly every 90 seconds on most lines . At other times during the day , they run about every two to three and a half minutes , and every six to ten minutes late at night.

last night i played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts!

By definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic.

This film was nominated for Filmfare Awards 1995 in four categories : Best Film , Best Director , Best Actor and Best Comedian.

Is there something I can do about feelings or am I just stuck having them for the rest of my life?

Help the police - beat yourself up.

The baptismal record gives his name in Latinized form as Joannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.

No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, wear gloves, get rid of the body, and act very sad at the funeral

France says to wind down Central African Republic force by year-end 

At the time there was no state , but towards the end of the 14th century early forms of government were established.

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.

Extremely French and Incredibly Toast

The five stages of Monday: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine.

By the end of the 19th century over 240,000 pencils were used each day in the United States alone.

Oil prices have bottomed out, but growth will not be sharp -IEA  

The album was recorded over the course of two days in 2006 at Sear Sound Recording Studios in New York.

Why does Ariel from the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because the B-shells won't fit.

David Miliband says the 'implosion' in the Muslim world is fuelling the refugee crisis:  

Kerry hopes for clarity on Syria talks within 24 to 48 hrs  

Commercial aquaculture supplies one half of the fish and shellfish that is directly consumed by humans.

I’m a guy with a beard now. Come see it in person at #PopCon June 7-8 at indypopcon in Indiana! https://www.instagram.com/p/ByLz3RWB9oV/?igshid=93kztexl096y …

War Horse 2: More Horse

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last. He was caught in a trap..

A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.

Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it isn't going away.

What gun-control headlines mean for gun-industry bottom lines 

See WikiProject Music genres/Colours.

Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy. 



Me: I’m not lending you my car

For all you who think nothing is impossible, please go staple jello to a tree.

Inarritu wins DGA award for 'The Revenant,' stoking its Oscar hopes 

How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house? The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to leave your driveway

A Good Name Is Better Than Riches









8: I don’t want them trashing my helicopter because I’m going to be rich and drive a helicopter and I’m not haulin that thing to school drop off every morning

The Pot Calls The Kettle Black

Spin-off or sale? Yahoo's turnaround plan set to dominate its earnings report later today:  

It was first published in 1997 and describes the transitions from night to day and from day to night.

Following this , the WWE Women 's Championship soon became Raw-exclusive as well.

The chair was enshrined in its new home with great celebration of January 16 , 1666.

Tonight is the night the missus wears crotchless pants! Not for me though! Its to get a better grip on her broom.

Islamists bomb, storm restaurant in Somali capital 

Shower? Me? What am I: not depressed?? Grow up

Many women begin their careers in adulthood.

Asia shares retreat again as China stocks' recovery short-lived  

The wood is easy to work and the grain is straight with long , clear sections without knots.

If any Man shall offer to run away , or keep any Secret from the Company , he shall be marooned with one Bottle of Powder , one Bottle of Water , one small Arm , and Shot.

Ford Fusion is a name used on two different models of cars from the Ford Motor Company.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

However , it has come over time to have a much more significant meaning to the player and fans.

I have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil. Unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless

French official calls on Paris to send troops to Calais over migrants 

Two and three are the only two consecutive prime numbers.

It is a large , crow-sized falcon , with a blue-gray back , barred white underparts , and a black head and `` moustache ''.

That is one of the oldest open questions in computer science.

Geno Smith went to throw a punch back, but it was short a few yards.

Terrain affects surface water flow and distribution.

Instead of having many teeth that are frequently replaced , mammals have one set of baby teeth and later one set of adult teeth which fit together precisely.

Falling in love is like riding a bike. There's always a chance you might get run over.

Of all the typos I've seen on here, "terrorists synthesizer" is one of my favourite.

Changed the computer password to "keepquiet" because that's something my girlfriend does not know how to do.

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger.

A little over two years later the family moved to another farm in the Hodgenville area.

He thereafter spent much of his time in Britain and the United States.

U.S. offers Turkey technology to block Islamic State at Syria border 





ME, 30: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency

Magnitude 6.6 quake hits southeast of Malaga, Spain: USGS 

Much of the water carried by these streams is diverted.

What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? " I made you breakfast in bed!"

U.S.-Russia draft calls for Syria ceasefire to start Feb. 27 

At that time the old district became a division.

is this what partying in Ibiza feels like? am I raver?

Twitter is my Walmart: I make fun of you but I’m here too.

Pinewood Group, studio home of James Bond, could be put up for sale 

Biden urges U.S. business in Davos to lean on anti-gay states:  

the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart

Asia stocks rise as risk appetite returns; data boost:  

Obama tells GOP senators: 'Do your job':  

What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.

Sometimes when a tweet falls flat I’ll just pop on over to Words With Friends and get my ass kicked there too, thus providing a tidy bookend to my overall online experience.

I love my alarm clock. It's the reason I get up in the morning.

So I was steering a boat with my stomach muscles. Abseiling

U.N. draft calls for 12-month mission to verify Colombia peace deal 

The inventor of the world's first organic coffins made entirely out of vegetables has died. May he rest in peas.

the selection of dipping sauces at this wake is exceptional

Former JPMorgan trader says 'London Whale' debacle not his fault 

it’s all fucked. charlie should’ve been IMMEDIATELY disqualified for stealing fizzy lifting drink. done. and willy knew they’d stolen it THE WHOLE TIME! augustus lost because he drank from the chocolate river in the room where willy said “EVERYTHING IS EDIBLE?!” such bullshit.

FIFA ethics committee bans Valcke for 12 years. Details -  

Have you seen the price of velcro? It's a ripoff!

Where gives the nth d-dimensional simplex number.


POLICE CHIEF: again, the tiny body riding a surfboard is not necessary

wanted to do a photoshoot in my favorite shirt

Went to the park today to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun. I need a flatter dog

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

There Are More Ways To The Wood Than One



me: i knew it

How to survive high-powered yachting: hang on and don't touch anything  

stuff is obsessed with costing like $12

So if then the dash will be one em in length , if it will be two em long and so on.



uber driver: why did you sit in the front

Good Girl Gone Bad was released through Def Jam Recordings on May 30 , 2007 . Rihanna re-released the album with a double-disc deluxe edition package titled Good Girl Gone Bad : Reloaded in June 2008.

Went to open mic night and it was just some dude talking about his life.

Torrential rain in January 2007 took about six weeks to reach the lake but put only a small amount of water into it.

If you spin a Chinese man around a hundred times does he get disoriented?

Also , some studies have found increased health benefits for red wine over white wine , though other studies have found no difference . Red wine contains more polyphenols than white wine , and these are thought to be particularly protective against cardiovascular disease.






ME: [taking a big sip of milk] It was a hoax.

In order to change one 's name , one must apply for the relevant deed poll to be entered on the College 's registers and published in the London Gazette.

Dear kids, those presents were not from Santa, they were from your parents. Sorry to disappoint.

Isn’t it weird how Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

Households headed by single males are disproportionately found in the middle three quintles ; single females head households concentrated in the bottom three quintiles.

His madrigals include Weep , weep o mine eyes and Draw on , sweet night.

I just stole a guys wallet and he chased me for almost three miles. I gave him a good run for his money.

And Green Day are as good as this stuff gets . ''

Trump takes calculated risk with decision to skip debate 

You don't have to change that one anymore.

Iran boosts oil output, foreign firms eager for deals 

China's Ai Weiwei pulls Danish exhibitions in protest at migrant law 

There’s a one hundred percent chance if you put water in a pot and put it on the stove and walk away to do some other stuff it will not boil until you turn the stove on.

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Kennedy ran , firing as he sought cover moving from tree to tree.

One version of the trap runs 1.

Michigan Uber driver does not enter plea at arraignment, says he prefers to "remain silent."



Naval officer: ok, but they're usually a lot bigger

The cool thing about Ikea furniture is that you can reconfigure it into your coffin in 437 simple steps

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tryed slamming a revolving door.

Legionnaires' spike in Michigan county dealing with water crisis:  

When Susie had kittens , two of them were born with folded ears , and one was acquired by William Ross , a neighbouring farmer and cat-fancier.

Greek PM offers talks on pension reform, rebuffed by farmers:  

Seen in U.S.S.R:  "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off."



me: *slapping baseball mitt*

U.S. jobless claims up, but trend points to firming labor market

Cameron heads for 'now or never' talks to keep Britain in EU 

 Apple shares down 3.2 percent at $97.47 premarket, set to touch lowest level since August 24 'flash crash' 





Casino security: seriously, stop

Two episodes were taped every other Tuesday , airing them on the subsequent Saturday.

Anyways I came back on. (Then was fired again and rehired, maybe even two more times.) Two weeks into production, Barry said to me "I think Tommy finally figured out he was in a comedy." I think the fact that he didn't know is what him so great in it. And he was great, I thought.

i’m a textbook tuckold. i like to watch other people tuck in my loved ones. a wholesome tuck is all i ask

Apple's Tim Cook opposes court order to unlock iPhone.

What do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids

The musicians to have rest on the Sabbath Day , but the other six days and nights , none without special favor.

I think Democrats are vastly underestimating the ways a corrupt and lawless president can use the powers of the presidency itself to cheat in an election.

Haiti postpones Carnival as president steps down amid unrest 

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Old Faithful was named in 1870 during the Washburn-Langford-Doane Expedition and was the first geyser in the park to receive a name.

Sanders concedes to Clinton

Gashole: A jerk who drives something that consumes a lot of gas.

All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.



Hugh Jackman: one forearm arm bigger than the other.

Dolphins swim beside several tuna species.

Alchemists had a way of extracting tree memories from sap and showing them like films but they were so goddamn sad that the technology was destroyed and that's why a sentimental person is called a "too goddamn sad tree memories"

guys what should i do today i already did the laundry and the dishes and it’s too hot to hike pls reply







THEM: do a song, music boy

The greatest @SheaSerrano story? Hard to say, but maybe. Your wife is the GOAT!



Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

MORE: Iran has two U.S. Navy boats in custody and has told the U.S. the crew will be returned promptly: U.S. official

A pirate’s long distance girlfriend is his land ho

Stallone has been married three times.

On the second day , he discovered that when he made the fire hotter with bellows , certain stones sweated iron , silver or gold.

After a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

He was born in Batumi , Georgia.

If all men are the same, why do women take so long to find one?

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

It was founded and run by Sir Frank Williams and Patrick Head.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? A door is between us. Open up!

Niue uses the New Zealand dollar.

EPA says response to Flint water crisis too slow 

EU's Tusk hopes for Brussels deal on Britain's reform demands 







me: {remembers I sometimes think of Keurig maintenance tips accidentally when I’m nervous} oh no

Elections gains unlikely to shift Iran power balance fast 

the name 'Dig Dug' commands respect for two reasons: 1.) can dig (skill) and 2.) has dug (experience)





Me: ok that does make more sense

Dweet: (v) Tweeting while intoxocated.

Their book therefore offers bare facts and little in the way of interpretation.

Give a man a fire, and he is warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.

Never Try To Prove What Nobody Doubts

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Jamaica's opposition wins general election as voters tire of austerity  

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Even if there is nothing to say, that hasn't stopped some people.

The stop-and-go generator consists of two LFSRs.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice Jester.










TION – just shorten it to sh already

See alto clef.

George Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. Apparently it was a careless wispa.

asking for a vodka cran and getting a receipt for $17

Red Cross delivers food, medicine to besieged Syrian town 

I got a Marshalls gift card for Father’s Day so don’t point it out if you notice my swim trunks are slightly irregular.

One of the first European exports , the horse , changed the lives of many Native American tribes on the Great Plains , allowing them to shift to a nomadic lifestyle based on hunting bison on horseback.

Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes

Which word in the Dictionary is always spelled wrong? Wrong.

 Billionaire Lasry's junk fund stops reporting asset levels amid turmoil  



wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Today , Arabian bloodlines are found in almost every modern breed of riding horse.

Better Be The Head Of A Dog Than The Tail Of A Lion

Why doesn't God like pizza? Because he doesn't exist.

UK manufacturing slumps:  

Alright, apparently we're more divided than I thought. Here are the top three contenders based on people's (unsolicited) feedback. So, for the sake of world peace, which is the funniest word in the English language? Hint: It's noodle.

Put a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.



MELATONIN: *in director’s chair* okay fucked up dream time - SO,,, you’re on a cruise ship that’s also a crashing airplane

Now it is Tesla's turn to confront the bears  

The early Spartans believed helmets were unnecessary and boxing prepared them for the inevitable blows to the head they would receive in battle.

What have George Michael and wellies got in common? They both get sucked off in bogs.

See hiddenStructure \* /.

I’d give anything to be a retired governess living in a seaside cottage. Each morning I’d feed the chickens and write letters in my cozy study, and at night I would walk my chocolate lab by the beach waiting for my sailor husband to return from the sea.

For veteran Turkish smuggler, only an army could stop migrant flow 

Little Strokes Fell Great Oaks

I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

Mirza successfully qualified for the Toray Pan Pacific Open in Tokyo but lost in the first round to Zheng Jie.

His name was Van Gogh . ''

However , many of the tribes soon considered that they had exchanged one form of occupation for another and events elsewhere in India also encouraged an uprising.

In some appearances , Daisy is presented as a close friend of Minnie Mouse.

was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives

North Korea says successfully conducts first H-bomb test:  

Seabirds are birds that have adapted to life within the marine environment.

Top Vatican cardinal says pope backs him on stance over abuse issue  

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

[spits out Mountain Dew] this tastes NOTHING like mountain

I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too. Sorry for gherkin your chain.

 Apple's iPhone sales grow by 0.4 percent, lowest rate since the product's 2007 launch

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Lake Huron is one of the five Great Lakes of North America.

This ancient wildebeest cousin boasted a bizarre dinosaur-like trait:  

Sorry cam girls but unless you're live streaming a brisket slow cooking, I'm out.

What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer genes.

In turn , JBL announced that Mysterio would face off against Mark Henry later that night.

UPDATE: Major 7.9 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia - USGS - 





















me: [murders him] :’(

My mate says,I remember my very first date with my wife,can u?
"Yeah,"I replied,she was wearing sexy red lingerie,then u closed the curtains

A normal tennis game takes place between two of the three contestants.

White House turns to Pentagon in major background checks overhaul 

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.

Protrusion of the tongue is achieved by contracting circular muscles that change the shape of the tongue and force it forwards and contracting two genioglossal muscles attached to the caudal end of the tongue and to the mandible.


Me: my resume talks??

Havel's architect Borek Sipek dies aged 66 

French PM says Brexit would be tragedy:

There are many five-dollar coins , of aluminium/bronze and bi-metal , and many silver and gold bullion coins in higher denominations.

Her first independent production was Diamonds and Guns , a romantic comedy about two friends who go to Las Vegas to find true love.

Girl in wheelchair sits silently at shut Macedonian border for hours 

What is this?? A cinderella carriage for ANTS?!

Oh good Lord.

In 1994 for the first time two women were elected into government.

If you DID NOT learn about Juneteenth in school, RT this, I’m really trying to see something.





Happy Fathers Day

Karin Gayer was born in May 1969 in Mödling while she is living today in Vienna.

He used another pen name for novels.

Britain's campaign to leave EU takes 4 percent point lead: ORB poll 

The Bank of Japan has stunned markets with surprise move to negative interest rates:  

I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.

I drink alone , for no friend is near.

Why did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she has no arms.



Me: like 3 I think

I was hanging with a group of friends this morning when I realised.. I probably shouldn't have joined a suicide cult.

U.S. government sources say bomb likely caused Somalia plane blast:  

In the early days , Nickel Creek released two albums : Little Cowpoke in 1993 , and Here to There in 1997.

UK arrests teen suspected of hacking CIA chief 

As Old As The Hills

Imagine if humans built homes with their mouths like birds do

A seesaw is a long , narrow board pivoted in the middle so that , as one end goes up , the other goes down.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs. On the floor? - Matt. In the sea? - Bob In a hole? - Phil

Islamic State militants forced out of Libya's Sabratha after clashes: officials 

why buy a white noise machine when you can just date a caucasian man for free

I remember 2012 like it was yesterday..

What is the same about Netflix and diarrhea? They both stream instantly.

I was running late to work today but I sat in the parking lot so I could send him this

I feel like I could write a love song if I wrote it about how I feel about cheese and then changed everytime I said “cheese” to the appropriate pronoun.

Oliwa stayed at that intensity for over two days.

UK watchdog says won't let pension freedoms become next mis-selling scandal 

I just got a hair cut. Now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.

Mississippi River crest rolls toward Tennessee; singer's body found 

Italy prepares new adoption law including gay couples, opposition firm 

The man who invented Chinese whispers has died. Pass it on...

Several detachments make up a company.

Me and my limbo team go way back.

ok i’m going back to america tomorrow so it’s officially time to say goodbye to rocky (abroad) and hello to rox and roll :( </3 :’)  also new pro pic don’t bully me

Leicester are offering Man city fans a great offer on walkers crisps. It's buy one, get 1-3.

I was wrong about the 2016 election and I’ve blocked everyone who’s ever disagreed with me but here’s a very confident tweet storm about Beto O’Rourke (1/10)

Most counties have only one county seat.

Our original concept was a standard, typical Martian - little green man kind of thing. It was (director) Pete Hewitt's idea to make him two creatures that run together to form one.

House to vote on North Korea sanctions bill 

Trump could rape a teenager live on Fox news with a flag burning in the back & ppl would still be like, "Bill Clinton is bad& Hillary lies."











- ??

The best of ECW-WCW is not good enough to hang with the WWF . ''

The explosion would have been seen from miles away , and heard from further away still.




experiment gone bad

You know you're a good mum when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kids toys.

Six die as protesters burn Bolivian government office 

Do you think when midgets take drugs they get medium instead of high?

Short-seller Carson Block is launching a hedge fund:  

Obama to travel to Cuba in coming weeks, official confirms 

was just thinking about how hands are the spiders of the body

Zika likely to spread to all countries in the Americas except for Canada and Chile - WHO:  

What's white and can't climb trees? A Fridge

Found a joke in the bin today. It was rubbish.

UPDATE: U.S. says it does not supply weapons to the YPG Syrian Kurdish military group - State department. 

Age has its advantages. Too bad no one that old can remember what they are.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Adele wins British single of the year at BRIT Awards 

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firemen

Analysts estimate that the F-Series alone makes up half of the Ford Motor Company 's profits in recent years.

Gave a rival dad a “how to grill” book right in front of a bunch of people.

I'm not a pessimist. I have a B Negative blood type.

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Just paid £5 for a strip of Velcro. What a rip off!

the idea that my tweets would make even one person's day a little easier or make them smile during a rough time pisses me off so bad

The area has a long history going back to the time of Alexander the Great 's invasion.

Iran calls on Saudi Arabia 'to stop increasing tension' in Middle East 

 FBI joins Flint water contamination probe.  

Video games have better plots than moves nowadays.

Swiss say $4 billion misappropriated from Malaysian state firms  







Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Australian abuse victims journey to Rome for Vatican treasurer testimony 



humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Al Qaeda militants seize southern Yemen town: residents 

Barage: neighborhood garage transformed to look like a city bar.

Merkel urges patience on refugees ahead of crucial state elections 






Me: *starts eating their face*

the time has come. my tears have been seen, congrats little ones

Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Modern slavery widespread among East Asia migrant domestic workers: researchers 

I try to get my friends to go to Hawaii with me every week and they never do

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants 

Komodo dragons have long been great zoo attractions , where their size and reputation make them popular exhibits.

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

There is truth in wine. I drink whisky.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler

I used to think that getting dumped is the worst feeling in the world until last night when a 5 GB download failed at 99%.

If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

Austria plans ad campaign to deter Afghans from seeking asylum 

The beauty about telling the truth is you never have to remember anything.

The first recorded use of carmine as a color name in English was in 1523.

Before You Make A Friend Eat A Bushel Of Salt With Him

Running was invented in 1612 by Thomas Running when he tried to walk twice at the same time.

A rain gauge is a type of instrument used by meteorologists and hydrologists to gather and measure the amount of liquid precipitation over a set period of time.

Czechs to send guns, ammunition to Iraq and Jordan to fight Islamic State 

I went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers earlier. But I couldn't find any.

What do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine.

The Black-capped Chickadee has a black cap and bib with white sides to the face.

What's ET short for? Cos he's only got little legs.






I’m going to need you to transfer me to the hot place with the good music.

This experience inspired him to write his first work Storm on the Aconcagua.

The bold moves supermarkets are taking to fight Amazon:  

American Airlines expands refunds related to #ZikaVirus:  

Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week. Might go if I've got nothing on.

At least six killed at Cameroon funeral by two suicide attackers 

The word ` megalith ' comes from the Ancient Greek megas meaning great , and lithos meaning stone.

The love that exists between my dad and his neighbors dog is the purest love I have ever seen.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

What do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk

'You saved my life': Paris attack survivors seek solace with Bataclan security man 

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

One Bear.(That's the bear minimum)


#AwesomeTalks

Politics: the fastest way to piss of anybody and get enemies.

Be careful when you start saying stuff ironically because suddenly you can’t stop. Like I’ve been saying “yeet” for days. Yeet yeet yeet, constantly. My family is devastated. They won’t stop crying. “You’re breaking our hearts,” they say. “Yeet,” I say.

While helping , Jeckle and a second man were hit by another driver who lost control.

Never do you have more belongings than on moving day.

He That Promises Too Much Means Nothing

The company was incorporated as Universal Pictures Company , Inc. in 1925.

There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Made it to that level of dad where I'm excited about vacation because I can turn up the thermostat while we're gone and save some money.

ok i don’t mean to sound like someone who is “going through something” but should i get a bunk bed

Iran's pragmatic Rouhani cheers election wins, says government stronger  



my phone:

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

The couple had three children : Anna Christina , born 1983 , Philip Immanuel , born 1985 and Laura Helene , born 1986.

Blasts in Indonesian capital; at least six dead -  











me: ʷᵃˢ ʰⁱˢ ⁿᵃᵐᵉ⁻ᵒ

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

can anyone think of a job i could do that wouldn’t make me want to die

[doing any part of my job] This is the part of the job I hate

As Venezuela's economy sinks, smuggling soars to unprecedented levels:  

Hungary PM says more talks needed on some of Britain's EU reform ideas 

What did the hat say to the scarf? "You hang around - I'll go on a head."

actually you can only call it Gatorade if it was made in the Gatorade region of France

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Corfu is home to the Ionian University.

How Syrian refugees are boosting the Turkish economy:  

Both continue to carry the name Dahmer and say they love Jeffrey despite his crimes . Lionel Dahmer 's first wife , Joyce , died of cancer in 2000 at the age of 64.

In other words , the presence of life itself makes the search for the origin of life dependent on the sterile conditions of the laboratory.

Mexico starts extradition process for drug lord 'El Chapo' Guzman:  

I went to the doctors the other day, complaining about my sore feet. He said "gout! "I said "fuck off, I've only just walked in!"

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my dad like a football

What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

Whoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?  Bunny farts

Value of pound a big factor in Brexit vote

Airports say Schengen collapse would force costly terminal redesigns 

Islamist gunmen kill 17 in Somalia beach restaurant attack 



ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren't supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-



Boss: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS

A strait or straits is a narrow , navigable channel of water that connects two larger navigable bodies of water.

Wife of U.S. pastor freed after years of Iran imprisonment hopes to rebuild their marriage:  

You know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.

If vegetarians loved animals so much, they would stop eating all their food.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

Citizen Cruz: Trump hammers away, U.S. Senate leader mum on eligibility 

Hundreds flee conflict-hit area in southeast Turkey as curfew lifted 

EU cities will pounce on London business in event of Brexit - minister 



cause she is

Balukas finished in a tie for 9th place among many of the best players in the world.

i wrote a good original pilot for you to read. i've been told it's good. it's good? it's called bad design, it's good, it's a design agency workplace comedy, it takes place in a single room, lotta powerpoints, bad design, good. i wrote it? it's good for you to read. thank you.

oh my god..., who’s gonna tell him

Arab-Israeli lawmakers suspended for meeting families of killed Palestinians 

He Who Would Search For Pearls Must Dive Below

A person went to a coffee shop. The waiter asked, "Do you want your coffee black?" The person replied, "What other colors do you have?"

When I got home from work I joined all my watches end to end to make a belt. What a waist of time!

"let us know"

By this time Dürer 's engravings had attained great popularity and were being copied.

Colombia's finance minister under investigation for Isagen sale 

What's the difference between rude and crude? Rude is when you throw your underpants at the wall, crude is when they stick to it.


ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady.

One Chinese worker killed in Laos 'militant' attack: Xinhua 

The area surrounding Harrington Sound is of limestone formation and noted for many subterranean waterways , through which the waters of the sound empty into the Atlantic.

Gold’s prospects are looking dull 

Schrödinger paid so much attention to his cat, that Schrödinger’s dog was alive on the outside and dead on the inside.

Up to 70,000 migrants may be trapped in Greece next month: migration minister 

Why didn't the skeleton ask anyone on a date? He didn't have the guts!

Lately I've been feeling a void in my life. It's probably nothing.

Naps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving.

What does the Sun drink out of? Sunglasses.

Later she received another degree in cinematography from the New York School of Visual Arts.

i legit shrieked with joy

My humbleness is my best quality.



It still does, but it used to, too.

Many companies make small solid-state digital audio players , essentially producing flash drives with sound output and a simple user interface.



Baker: that’s a bagel

 U.S. District judge rejects bid for new trial for convicted Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

Djokovic retires with injury during Dubai quarter-final  

The first template parameter is the Volcano Number and the second is an optional name.

Eleven killed in mass Papua New Guinea jail break: media 

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool.

What is long, hard, round and full of seamen? A submarine.

When the comedy club gives me a free meal

By no means is it the only one but the best hardcore band name on my lawnmower control panel is MULCH ZONE

Girls get a lot of credit for the magic they do with makeup but you haven’t  seen shit until you’ve seen a guy hide a boner with only a hand, a waistband, and a slightly hunched over walk

In this case , add to only one talk page , with a list all of the pages that needs updating and a clear description of what needs to be done.

Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day'

'No Bashar al-Assad in the future', says Saudi foreign minister: report  

My girlfriend left me for an Indian guy. It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well. I heard they worship cows

The WWF informed cable companies that if they chose to carry Starrcade , they would not be allowed to carry future WWF events.

[carefully puts turds in pocket]

Raptors hold off Pistons to stretch record streak to 11 wins  

Money Has No Smell

Greece recalls ambassador in Austria for consultations 



ME: One panda please.

European Parliament won't grant Britain special treatment - Schulz:  

What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A snooker table.

Pompeii was transformed into a much more public and open place.

What do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.

RT & follow @OriginalFunko for a chance to WIN a #SDCC2019 exclusive Gold Demogorgon Pop!  #FunkoSDCC #SDCC50 #StrangerThings

Tear gas protest keeps gag on Kosovo parliament 

Two men walk into a bar... You would have thought the second one would have ducked....

Dog droppings are one of the leading sources of E. coli bacterial pollution : One gram of dog feces contains over 20,000,000 E. coli cells.

In 30 days it'll be 30 years (!) since Bill & Ted opened. In honor of that (& to keep some promises), I'd like to share a few things over the month. The image below is the first (and ONLY) time Chris & I did Bill & Ted in front of an audience - early 1983 at the UCLA Comedy Club.

Why is it so hard for any Democrat to just say “War with Iran is wrong, and we oppose it unequivocally” ?

That company quickly evolved into the Independent Moving Pictures Company.

There is no standing fresh water on Malden Island , though a fresh water lens may exist.

It was first documented in 1226.

Miners trapped after accident in Russia's Arctic pronounced dead 



#InTheHeightsMovie

EU seeks to bring U.S. trade talks towards a close by summer: trade commissioner 

Samsung wins appeal in patent dispute with Apple  

Asia shares gain as crude oil bounce boosts risk assets  

Odd? I'm completely whacked.

I have a phone interview tomorrow. What are some good questions to ask a phone?

The last battle takes place later in life , after returning to Geatland , where Beowulf has become king.

Trump sleeps in his own bed and it may cost him:  

Iran's oil minister says OPEC's emergency meeting may hurt market  

Unfortunately , she doesn't like discomfort.

Turning the tables and seeing how many hamsters I can stuff in my cheeks. Who's the stretchy bitch now, mini bear-lookin motherfuckers

Balance of Asia-Pacific military power shifting against U.S.: report  

What do you use to make a walrus smooth? Seal irons.

The Marco Polo sheep is a subspecies of argali sheep , named after Marco Polo.





Still me: *looking into a mirror* well hello there ;)

Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Holocaust jokes aren't funny. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

Pope to pray for one of Mexico's poorest, most violent cities 

My friend told me today that I don't understand what irony is. Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

White House says any kind of nuclear test is 'provocative and a flagrant violation' of U.N. Security Council resolutions

I got kicked out of my local music shop after asking about a Coldplay song. I was clearly looking for Trouble.

The album , which represented half a decade 's worth of the band 's work , was edited by music producer Don Gilmore.

Since the inaugural event , three championship matches have taken place in the main event.

Sterling hits seven-year low to cap an ugly week on Brexit concerns:  

The name is derived from railroad personae.

Why was the biscuit crying? Because it's mother was a wafer too long





Me: i need A LOT of motivation

White House says 'we're continuing the work necessary to learn more' about North Korea's reported test

Saboga chose to give some taste of reward to the other two tribes.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen!



me: *trying to impress date* i attended the kia summer sales event

You should read this whole New Yorker piece about the conditions at Border Patrol facilities in Texas, but if you can't read the whole thing, at least read this paragraph: https://bit.ly/2xaCOpI 

UK cost agency queries value of 492,000 pound-a-year Alexion drug 

If a restaurant has stools without backrests, that should have to be included in the restaurant’s name. Example: Harvey’s Bar & Grill & Stools With No Backrests.

Ugly people don't need beauty sleep, they need hibernation.

Oil prices fall further on glut worries; U.S. crude slumps below $28  






me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again







me:  *starts undressing*

The area is often referred to as the ` Vale of the White Horse '.









her: that’s not my name

Who's the world's most famous blacksmith? Will Smith

Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.

Thai politician charged over video mocking junta leader 

Around this time , he started writing.

How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.  

Although Suffer was not charted in Billboard , it is considered by many to be one of the best punk albums of the 1980s , as well as its follow-up No Control.

It has an open world set in the fictional Paradise City.

It's nice that you guys are doing all these y=mx+b jokes but at some point we'll have to draw the line

All Doors Open To Courtesy

Germany's Steinmeier tells Iran's Rouhani: please visit Germany 

As Like As An Apple To An Oyster

I finally told my girlfriend that "I Love Her". She text backing saying "I luv u2". I was gutted, I thought what does Bono have that I don't

His father put him in a wagon , drove him half way back to the academy , and left him on the roadside , never saying a word.

Previously , it didn't make much sense to build a pipeline that could run faster than the access latency of off-chip memory.

Fey was exposed to comedy early.

Like an aged wine, I definitely turned at some point and now I'm just hanging out in a cold basement becoming progressively more sour.

Doctors were certain there was no way that I’d be wetting the bed well into my late teens







me: you’re cleaning 

U.S., British spies hacked Israeli air force networks: reports 



My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:

My pet bird has lost its voice. Please retweet.



mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Runaway by Kanye West









y                              cool cool cool

Kerry says he and Lavrov reach provisional deal on terms of Syria ceasefire 

Walls and watchtowers rise as Turkey tries to seal border against Islamic State 

U.N. rights boss calls on Turkey to investigate shooting by security forces 

Spanish pirate? Sea señor

Explosion kills eight, injures dozens in Pakistan city of Quetta 

if john mulaney opened with the darth plagueis monologue










Me: :)

People can be so full of crap. They should consider a laxative.

In science fiction , the Three Laws of Robotics are a set of three rules written by Isaac Asimov , which almost all positronic robots appearing in his fiction must obey.

i will finally admit it - i wish i had kept the spider-man costume

Ex-IMF chief Rato faces trial over Spanish credit card use 

Mexican friends? I have Juan or two.

Wills was born in 1835 near Gundagai , New South Wales to parents Horatio and Elizabeth , first of their nine children.

Srebrenica general died of natural causes, war crimes court says 

An infinite sequence of letters may be constructed from elements of an alphabet as well.

WHY DO MORONS ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE? BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES " UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! "

Ned and Chuck fall in love again and he brings her home to live with him under the unique circumstances of their never being able to touch each other.



Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

My mum said "You treat this place like a hotel!". She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.

For BC , make the number negative.

Japan February flash manufacturing PMI shows growth slowing sharply as export orders shrink  

I think getting back together would take the lid off that and then could possibly change what ... to me seems like the perfect lifespan of the band.

Jord

Turkey, Israel close to deal on compensation over Mavi Marmara: Turkish official 

I distorted a Tortoise earlier..Now it's just an Oise.

U.N.'s Ban says Burundi president agrees to dialogue to end political crisis 

One new nation has entered their Cup winner and second-placed football team : Montenegro.








exec: ok

Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes?  Cats keep trying to cover them up


Jason Statham (VO): yeah. thass me. aladdin runnin frum the fuckin fuzz again

In 1395 the Eski cami was built as one of the first in the Balkans.

United States and China agree on the need for new U.N. measure on North Korea. More here:  

Extraterrestrial life is defined as life which does not originate from planet Earth.

A Silent Fool Is Counted Wise

FTSE lifted by bank recovery and Rolls-Royce rally:  

In the episode , Mr. Burns falls ill and desperately needs a blood transfusion.

The festival take place at Rockefeller Music Hall.

As noted , the formal time limit on questioning was removed early in the show 's run , and time limits were set more for entertainment.

Today is officially spring which is a big day for those of us waiting to see if we have seasonal depression or depression depression.

The first storm of the season , Allison lasted unusually long for a June storm , remaining tropical or subtropical for 15 days.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.

Most litters are of one or two young , which stay in the pouch for 80 or 90 days , and first emerge from the nest about three weeks after that.

Never get stuck behind the Devil in a Post Office queue! The Devil can take many forms.

During the next two centuries it was burnt down twice.

Explosion rocks waste treatment plant at Antwerp port 

The two entities may be of opposite sexes or not , or they may be hermaphroditic , as is the case with snails.

Bought my girlfriend slippers and a dildo for Christmas. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!











boston terrier: ya, throw it, you fuck

Polish Flag Day was first observed on May 2 , 2004.

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

Prominent Saudi cleric on Islamic State hit list is injured in Philippines shooting: 

A bed is a large piece of furniture used as a place to sleep.

Barca ready to weave their magic at Arsenal - Luis Enrique  

Dead links in one or two languages are therefore no cause for concern.

This song was adopted as the national anthem on May 11 , 1813 , three years after the `` May Revolution '' ; May 11 is therefore Anthem Day in Argentina.

A nine-time Silver Slugger , and one of 25 people to have hit over 500 career home runs , he is well recognized for his strong offensive abilities.

She chose to vote out Rafe , because she felt she would have a better chance in the final two against Stephenie ..

What's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops.

Every vector space has a basis.

Carcoar was once one of the most important government centres in Western New South Wales.

Honey I shrunk my penis

How does Batman's mum call him to dinner? "Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman"

In Bus Stop , Monroe played Chérie , a saloon bar singer with little talent who falls in love with a cowboy.

Turkish PM Davutoglu says Turkey respects Iraq's territorial integrity 

Like Galileo I too was fired from a daycare job for teaching kids to climb a tall tree and prove my theory of how the sun is making a noise.

Carmakers eye twin-track product cycle to keep pace with technology  

A lesbian is just another woman trying to do a man's job.

To Throw A Stone In One's Own Garden

Americans among militant suspects detained in Saudi Arabia-paper 

Oil prices rise, signs mount that market is bottoming out  

Britain says EU reform talks will 'go to the wire' 

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.

Got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.







me: *shrugging* killing santa

Lilo wants to win the May Day hula contest like her Mom did in the 1970s , but Stitch continues to have outbursts.






cop: “no”

Only one thing keeps me from sticking to a diet. Food.

Australia may crack down on Syrian refugees: leaked document 

Kerry says Laos keen to avoid militarization of South China Sea 

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.






                the balls

How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.

Majority of Spaniards see new elections as inevitable: poll 

Lebanon struggles to help Syrian refugees with mental health problems 

The following day , Tod and Copper admit their mistakes and are friends again.

the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart





http://bit.ly/2AKq6PJ  via @unitedwedream

[releases an anti-vaxxer into the sewer] go. you’re free now

If needing some personal room, join NASA, they'll give you plenty of space.

My wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.

Truth Lies At The Bottom Of A Well

Butterflies are not what they used to be.

I've got a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

Two small rivers run through the town , the Skunk River and Squaw Creek.









nintendo ds: look dude i'm not naming it dickbutt











Manager: Okay.  There is 1 wrong answer

If I was a burglar, I would take a shower after every burglary. I want to be sure to get a clean getaway.

I've been searching for my stolen bed for two days! I won't rest until I've found it.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

Self Done Is Soon Done

The Children 's Zoo contains an indoor structure for children to play in.

Michigan Uber driver charged with killing six people admits to fatal shootings

stepped outside cuz i smelled 2 farts. n a girl outside said “omg his farts smell so bad” and i said “omg i smelled it too it was so bad!!!” cuz i did smell it that’s why i stepped outside n she said “um that’s my husband.” then walked away. i can’t catch a fucken break man

Soon after the loss the feud between the two ended.

Sabotaged oil pipeline to Turkey to be repaired next week: source 

At my job I realized that some ass was giving names to all of the food in the refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.

What do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.

Why didn't the skeleton show up to the party? He had no guts.

La Mina lost again and Casaya chose Terry to go to Exile Island for the second time in a row.

English football clubs' spending on players soars past £1 billion:  

Sartene has given its name to one of the southern-Corsican dialects that are most like the sardinian Gallurese dialect.

What's worse than finding a fly in your soup?
This punchline

Pizza is like sex, when it is good it's VERY GOOD, when it's bad...it's still pretty good.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed-deer.

Italy's Renzi to strip adoption rights from gay unions bill 

Every Country Has Its Customs

Will Smith really looks like that guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as of yet, they have no lead.



the economy:

Walls Have Ears

Productive Procrastination: The act of keeping busy with things that don't need to be done.

North Korea tells U.N. agencies it plans to launch a satellite later this month:  

U.S. tightens visa waiver rules for visitors after Paris attacks 

South Sudan sides trade barbs over peace progress after sanctions threat 

First U.S. Zika virus transmission reported; has been attributed to sex, not mosquito bite:  

What did the letter say to the stamp? Stick to me and we'll go places.

Warren Hastings was born at Churchill , Oxfordshire in 1732 to a poor father and a mother who died soon after he was born.

"What people here need to appreciate is SC has a total new crop of Dem primary voters. Yes, it's majority black. Yes, it's majority women. But we've got a lot of progressives thanks to Senator Bernie Sanders & the work that he's done, #OurRevolution" - Gilda Cobb-Hunter #NotMeUs

You know your out of shape when you get exhausted trying to get a gym membership.

Take a whirlwind tour of the highlights in Motor City.


How do the U.S. primary elections work? Here's a short explainer -




KEN: (surrounded by boys) Jim guess who just got back today

It was first published in 2006.

Here is a picture of what the cab may have looked like.

The idea of the workhouse for the able bodied poor was first suggested in 1576.

For wild dogs and other relatives of the dog , please move up to.

Wall St. extends tech-led selloff -  

Never Too Much Of A Good Thing

They are held annually and include , in chronological order , the Australian Open , the French Open , Wimbledon , and the US Open.

Today I told my mom I broke into a homeless man house. She grounded me.p176

People just don’t shout ‘criminently’ during a fit of frustration like they used to.

After a few hours of skirmishing the Dhonds retreated with the loss of two or three of their men who had come within musket range of the British.

After giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more. Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.

 Islamic State claims responsibility in online statement for "twin" attacks in Iraqi town that killed at least 20 people.

In their center must be noticeable the specific pellet like structure which is the real seed without the fine coat.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word. 

My wife and I have what we call Olympic Sex! Sounds great doesn't it! It's not really, it only happens once every four years.







And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™

He had three sisters and one brother.

Psychology - the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.

Hiking is one of the fundamental outdoor activities on which many others are based . Many beautiful places can only be reached overland by hiking , and enthusiasts regard hiking as the best way to see nature.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.

Several new train models followed the first , each generally with its own distinctive appearance.

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

None of the Olympic venues were damaged.

Pipelines improve performance by allowing a number of instructions to work their way through the processor at the same time.

What do you get when you cross a a rooster and a hoot owl? A cock that stays up all night.

Though much of his work is categorized as lyric poetry , Longfellow experimented with many forms , including hexameter and free verse.



I  couldn't do this alone, and I'm so grateful for everyone who is and has been there to help me kick drugs & alcohol. Thank you! 

How do you make a squirrel cry? Pinch it's nuts.

The reason I don't watch Jersey Shore is because I can watch talking carrots on VeggieTales.

See also : Connecticut College people.

Syrian foreign minister warns Saudis against incursion, will be resisted 

So two dyslexics walk into a bra.

Everything Is Good In Its Season





me: don’t make this weird grandma

me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*

Virginia resident tests positive for Zika virus: AP 

Flights as long as 1800 kilometers have been recorded by birds in competition pigeon racing.







Me: [quickly lowers hand]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Obama says he is cautious about latest Syria deal

What do Transvestites do for Christmas? Eat, Drink, and be Mary

What do you call a mathematician at the beach? A tan gent.

Impact now airs every Saturday at 10:00 p.m.

Ex-teacher faces Timbuktu monument destruction charges at ICC 

I've decided to take the day off today. From now on it will simply be known as 'To'

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING

I've got an obsession with cats. My girlfriend is kicking meeeeowwwt.

Anti-abortion activists indicted over Planned Parenthood covert videos:  

How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

Procrastination is like a credit card; it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.

Judge lowers bond for 'affluenza' mom from $1 million to $75,000:  

Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked to death on his own Vimto.

Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.

It was first held in 1928.

people think i’m running out of whalefact ideas but then i tweet out bangers like

India court sentences three to death for student rape, murder 

My mate Sid's been a victim of ID theft. He's now called 'S'

Henry Ford was 40 years old when he founded the Ford Motor Company , which would go on to become one of the world 's largest and most profitable companies , as well as being one to survive the Great Depression . As one of the largest family-controlled companies in the world , the Ford Motor Company has been in continuous family control for over 100 years.

It was then announced that the group 's first EP , The First Mini Album Gee , would be released in January 2009.

A fool and his money are never around when you need them.

My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a new slimming club.  If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.

Murder rate climbs in Mexico, while other crimes fall  

When the layers are separated , the strips make a characteristic `` ripping '' sound.

I recently visited Satan and stole his wig. He said they'd be hell toupee.

Let’s all fuck off at the exact same time and see what happens

What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors? A reptile dysfunction



EVERYONE ELSE IN THE STARBUCKS MEETING: (vomiting everywhere)

Rossi says he lost out to Indonesia  

My wife said that I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk.That's not true!.. I usually want a kebab as well.

Morgan Stanley's new president cements role as enforcer-in-chief  

It was at this time that the building was given its current name : Ungdomshuset.

I'm going to start a beer brand and name it Responsibly.

Cinderella II : Dreams Come True is the first direct-to-video film sequel to the 1950 Disney film Cinderella.

Candidates promise peace ahead of Central African elections 

Well , see you later.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Benin prime minister gets opposition support for presidential election 



Log the fuck off

Al Qaeda attack dents Burkina Faso's hopes of recovery 










SHIA LABEOUF

South Sudan president Kiir appoints rival Machar as vice president 

The only plastic surgery I'll ever give my wife is cutting up her credit cards.




boss: not the ones in the trees

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

After his death , the judgement was ultimately reversed on appeal and a new trial was ordered , but it never took place.

A massive snowstorm is poised to wallop the U.S. East Coast. Find out more:  

Vietnam Communist Party re-elects Trong as leader 

Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Just in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.

do u guys have any idea how much work i put in making sure my tweets are in lower case so it looks like i don’t invest my entire self esteem into each one

Despite Grammy performance snafu, Adele regains Billboard top spot  

The people who make medicine clearly do not know what fruit tastes like.

There's no future in time travel.

Anger And Haste Hinder Good Counsel

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

None So Blind As Those Who Won't See

Putin probably approved London murder of ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko: British inquiry.  

Who Breaks, Pays

Penner was born in Winnipeg , Manitoba.

Einstein's gravitational waves detected in scientific milestone 

Louis married three times.





ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks

Billions pledged for Syria as tens of thousands flee bombardments 

'Spotlight' takes top Academy Award, #OscarsSoWhite other big winner:  

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her.

A Blind Leader Of The Blind

Car bomb kills two policemen in Russia's restive Dagestan 

Think Today And Speak Tomorrow

Let comradeship and fervent hope With one voice make us pray Auspicium Melioris Aevi With God to guide the way.

Obama urges Russia to stop bombing 'moderate' Syria rebels:  

Louder Than Love spawned the EP Loudest Love and the video compilation Louder Than Live , both released in 1990.

The second storm struck just three days later.

All are set at liberty - much to the dismay of Osmin , who would prefer to see them all brutally executed.

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Four Americans held in Bahrain as island marks uprising anniversary 

Australian PM Turnbull losing shine ahead of elections 

I keep having a recurring nightmare where I'm surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour.I think I may be having a midwife crisis..

Judgments can be true or not true.

Dumb Dogs Are Dangerous

What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.

For the guitar manufacturer see Carvin Corporation . For the late New Orleans political consultant see Jim Carvin.









me: i let the casting director jerk me off

What's black and white and red all over?  An embarassed zebra.

Denmark considers moving migrants to camps outside cities:   

Zimbabwe's Mugabe warns party members fighting over his succession 

I went to a restaurant yesterday and the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.

Imagine accepting an invitation to a birthday party, buying a gift and then finding out that they're having white cake with white frosting.







Clive: Sat in my cell, mainly.

It took place on March 14 , 2004 at Madison Square Garden in New York.

Life Is Not All Cakes And Ale (Beer And Skittles)

The 1993 Formula One season was the 44th FIA Formula One World Championship season.

Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.

Was always a bit fuzzy, as a child, on the political situation in Babar's kingdom. And I sure as fuck don't plan on learning now

British PM Cameron to allow ministers to campaign for EU exit 

The name Kintore comes from the Gaelic , Ceann-an-torr.

Group seeks Trump apology after Muslim woman ejected from rally 





boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY

The Wife was watching a cookery show. I said "What the fuck you watching that for, you can't cook?" She said "You watch porn, you Fat Bastard".

Juan Ruiz de Alarcón y Mendoza , one of the greatest Novohispanic dramatists of the Golden Age , was born in New Spain.





ME: *slowly turns to her* get the fuck off my popcorn

If a plane is an aircraft, does that make a broom a witchcraft?

What is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Booooookake

Headline: Suicidal twin accidentally kills sister

Wise After The Event

It rotates once every 5.27 hours.

The Mrs got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.

*admiring his food baby* I remember when that was just a deep-fried Twinkie in your eye.

If adult diapers are called 'Depends', then baby diapers should be called 'Definitely'.

EU nations, Turkey set to meet on Thursday on migration crisis 

You're living, you occupy space and have mass. What does that mean? You matter.

How often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.I thought that's a bit far-fetched.

China says 'really needs' South China Sea defenses in face of United States:  

I just bought a new blindfold. Can't see myself wearing it though.

When people tell me to make myself at home, I begin to yell invariably at the tv.







JUDGE: [bangs fist on table] not since i was disbarred

A Broken Friendship May Be Soldered, But Will Never Be Sound

What did the man on the 100 MPH escalator say? "Well that escalated quickly" 

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

The 200th anniversary of the founding of the buffalo sanctuaries will be marked by a Bisontennial celebration.

Oil stabilizes on strong China demand data, but looming Iran exports still weigh on market  

Turkish soldier killed in operations against PKK 

The Deputy Commissioner , Miles Irving , did not know the background of these two men and suspected a deeper conspiracy , and so ordered the arrest of the two men.

Bambi goes back to search for Faline , but she is being chased by hunting dogs.

Homemade ginger beer may contain alcohol.

Saudi Arabia may take more measures against Iran in execution row: foreign minister 

Our chemist was robbed of its stock of Viaga yesterday. Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Knowledge is power

Don't ever run away from your problems, unless your problem is being chased by a bear.

Deianeira goes after Hercules to warns him and finds the three at the river bank.

Did you know that people will let you over in traffic if you blow a kiss out the window loljk you have to force them into a ditch.

However , the 2004 season exceeded these conventional limits slightly , as Tropical Storm Otto formed on the day before the last day of the season and lasted three days into December.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.

Finally some good news

Asia shares mostly firm, China sets yuan higher  

The bill , legs , and eyes are all black.

What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute

The sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy we deserve

only 600 slim jims were made in 1992 and they just sit in gas stations




me: [tearing up] he really said that?

*spits out cauliflower beer* RAISINS?!



me: I love your house

At one time , she co-hosted an infomercial for the AeroBed and has done infomercials for Rug Doctor carpet cleaning products.

William Regal got his job back by being the first to join Vince McMahon 's infamous Kiss My Ass Club.

Missing Hong Kong bookseller to give up British passport, denies being kidnapped 

I was the first person to injure themselves during The Safety Dance.

Life advice: If you’re forty-five do not go on a trampoline

I took the missus to a restaurant last night. I said "do you like peppa pig?". She said "yeah". I said "waiter some pepper over here please".

Honda adds 2.2 million vehicles to Takata air bag recall 

Wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.

If you think about it long enough, you’ll see that it’s obvious.

Two federal Migratory Bird Sanctuaries were founded on the island in 1961.

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

Hideki Matsui was named Most Valuable Player of the series , the first by a Japanese born player as well as the first player to win it as a full-time designated hitter.

I keep a bat under my bed, that way if there’s an intruder, and it’s Dracula, the bat will fly out and say “whoa hold up, Drac, this guy’s cool, he’s my roommate.”

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Man arrested with handguns at Disneyland Paris:  

Jamaican opposition winning photo-finish general election, provisional results show 

Germany's Schaeuble wants to foster Mideast strategy with Russia 

Pakistani Taliban kill nine paramilitary personnel in attacks in northwest 

Went shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.

My wife got me glow in the dark condoms and then expected me NOT to make lightsaber noises during sex.  Women are a mystery.

imagine being identified from this 

Why is chili so annoying? Because it's always Jalopeño business.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Later he produced a brief synopsis of the six-part film which would come , in one form or another , to be the final plan Eisenstein would settle on for his project.

this is all a terrible tom clancy mini series don't fall for it

Each person normally has one pair of sex chromosomes in each cell . Females have two X chromosomes , whereas males have one X and one Y chromosome.

In 2004 , Evanescence 's new lineup released a DVD/CD compilation entitled Anywhere but Home.

toy story 4 is my favorite movie about a suicidal fork

Man: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a tepee. Doctor: Calm down, you're two tents.

U.N. says Syria ignored most of its requests to deliver aid  

What's grey and comes by the gallon? Elephants.

Alexander Nestor Haddaway better known by his showbiz name Haddaway is a Trinidadian singer.

Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

Turkish and NATO radars detected Russian jet's airspace violation: Turkish PM 

Fed policymakers discussed changing interest rate path: minutes 





me: what an awful way to find out I’m adopted

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only Juan.

It’s only depression if it’s from the Dépression region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling sadness.

U.S. tells allies campaign to defeat Islamic State must be accelerated 

Korchnoi scored 7.5 - 0.5 in his first eight games , then drew his last three games.

What do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps.

Avoid alliteration...always.

I've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that very predictable Edward Scissorhands.







*priest drops bible*

Center-right candidate on track to win Portugal presidential vote 

Me and my recliner go way back.

What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.

I wrote a song called "We Don't Need Healthcare" after reading that *incredibly* inspirational story of the two-year old whose family couldn't afford a walker for him so they built one out of parts at Home Depot! Wow :D!

Tales from the Trail: Who would win if Hillary Clinton runs against Donald Trump?  

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated

Why don't mummies go on holiday? They're afraid to relax and unwind.

Many of WCW 's top wrestlers had contracts with AOL Time Warner , WCW 's parent company , and were willing to sit at home rather than wrestle for less money.

Paper production was a large contributor to the rise of the commune and was the main industry for a long period of time.

isn't it crazy how in other countries they call it "football", but here in America we have concentration camps

He That Will Eat The Kernel Must Crack The Nut

Most porcupines are about 25 - long , with an 8 - long tail.

When the Tsar was ill with typhoid , the little girl covered a miniature portrait of him with kisses every night.





my puppet: no

Portugal nominates ex-refugee chief for U.N. secretary-general 

White was born in his grandfather 's vicarage at Selborne in Hampshire.

I wonder if King-sized sheets are called Presidential-sized sheets in Europe..

He never conducted live in public again.

I don't like birthdays. Too many will kill you.








Dads busy, kiddo, go ask your mother.

That's Where The Shoe Pinches! 

Stems can refer to two things in music , relating to music notation and production.

Syrian army, allies gain more ground north of Aleppo 

Turkish prime minister to visit Iran this week 




I like to know how much I can do to help you guys out

Some EU migrants can be told where to live, top court rules 

U.N. invites warring parties to Syria talks this week:  

Meal vouchers and water feed FIFA jamboree as austerity bites  

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Many word search puzzles have a theme to which all the hidden words are related.



'Sir, that's a coffin.'

I went up to Mr. T and said, "I'm going to cook you a dessert." He said, "Try fool!" I said, "No, strawberry cheesecake, actually."

China cuts reserve requirement ratio for fifth time since February 2015:  

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes just another bad knock knock joke.

take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road.

Stalin-era prison chief jailed for 20 years in Romania:  



“All right, riddle me this, Big Yoda. How is it more efficient feeding off biological output than just using the fuel provided to sustain those lives, cutting out the middle men who lose energy in the transfer?”

Great minds think alike

Hope Is The Poor Man's Bread

The remaining three teams would complete the season.















me: I really don’t know

I decided to be depressed today, just for fun.

Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea? Cos they dropped out of school.

"Spotlight" wins Best Picture and other Oscars highlights:  

Gresham 's law is commonly stated : `` Bad money drives out good '' , but more accurately stated : `` Bad money drives out good under legal tender laws ''.

Iran wants euro payment for new and outstanding oil sales - source  

Interstate 88 is 140.60 m long.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

Teach a man to fish, and he will devise stories of a whale god, obsession, loss, madness.

An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate.

Tommy who loves collecting needs ten dollars to buy a magic marble from another boy.

Tennessee couple claim winning ticket for U.S. Powerball jackpot: NBC 

`` Tomorrow Never Knows '' is the sixth single released by Mr. Children on November 10 , 1994.

Its tail feathers are iridescent blue-black with broad white tips on the outer two to three pairs.

I did not fight my way up the food chain to be a vegetarian.p162

Hear the noise of broken chains , see the noble Equality enthroned.

Syrian rebels see flaws in U.S.-Russian truce plan:  

Congreenient: The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so.

Thompson recorded three shutouts in the five playoff games , and gave only three goals.



Me: "This isn't deodorant."

TREE: please leave me and my pet rock Aberdeen alone

Anti-vaxxers, you’re telling me you won’t get one measley vaccine?

Curiosity Killed A Cat

Russia, Syrian army pound rebels ahead of fighting halt 

my best friend has decided not to name any of the boys she likes until they’re worthy of it. i keep hearing stories about WhatsHisNuts or Hot Alcoholic Guy or simply: Juul Pod. and i respect it.

Former U.S. Marine held in Iran arrives home 

The units soon became non-standard and two were sold back to the manufacturer who exported them to Trinidad and Tobago.

Why did the phone wear glasses? He lost his contacts.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a mink. A fur coat with pockets.

Every Mother Thinks Her Own Gosling A Swan

On the other hand , the downfall of the provincial lady has place amidst two very diverse suitors : the most handsome man in the city and the cathedral 's priest.

IATA says Bangkok airport a safety risk, needs urgent expansion -report 

Why did God give women vaginas? Because sheep can't cook.

If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

Drug cartel battle kills 52 in northeastern Mexican prison:  

He was the first person to land a quadruple salchow in competition and the first person to land three quadruple jumps in one program.

What's the square root of 69? Eight something.

Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.

Never a Goth.

It is established that Iolaus is getting married and that Hercules is the best man.

My last wish with the genie was either for a brilliant memory or a huge penis. I forgot which one I chose.

HSBC money laundering report's release likely delayed: U.S. judge  

Warne undone by slider as snake bites bowler on TV show:  

A team of sled dogs may consist of anywhere from three to two dozen dogs.

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln. We just foiled your plan.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

Leicester rock Man City to race clear, Spurs second  

I was gonna nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought Screw it!

How do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield in front of her.

China again lands planes on disputed island in South China Sea: Xinhua  

Sri Lanka appoints war winning army chief as minister 

My poo after one sip of coffee

I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.



ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

In addition , new segments `` ABC Time , '' `` Counting Time , '' `` Game Time , '' `` Story Time , '' and `` Hopping/Moving Time '' explore the episode theme or other skills in a playful way.

Menstrual jokes are not funny. Period.

I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.

The only thing worse than paying $9 for a greeting card is paying $9 for a greeting card for a 3-year-old’s birthday party.

Barking Does Seldom Bite

don’t judge me until you’ve mall-walked a mile in my shoes alongside a group of heart healthy seniors we meet outside kitchen caboodle at 6:15am wednesdays and fridays

Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.

South Korea says suspects North Korea may have attempted cyber attacks 

When they are brought to Dr. Valentine , the head scientist , he is acting like a dog.

Make Or Mar

Why was the computer tired when it got home? It was running all day. 

pole dancing is sexy because it looks like the pole dancer is flying all around in the air if i don't focus on the pole

Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he smacks her with a shovel.

What's black and white and red all over?  Certainly not the Halifax newspapers.



woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET

House fails to knock down Obama veto of anti-Obamacare bill 

All Cats Are Grey In The Dark (In The Night)

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee was blowing fowls.

 One killed, two injured after crane collapse in lower Manhattan. LIVE coverage: 

Delays Are Dangerous

Sudanese flee militiamen they say are razing villages in Darfur 

Tomorrow is National Spit on Corey Lewandowski Day!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to the caucus meeting, got bored, went home and decided to learn about government by listening to Rage Against the Machine.

He had been speaking and writing of his own death in the days preceding his departure from home , but fell ill at the train station not far from home.

VW faces billions in fines as U.S. sues for environmental violations:  

I used to think that my girlfriend not wearing any knickers under her skirt would be sexy, until I saw the skidmarks on my sofa.

Extremely Glenn and Incredibly Close

I promised my wife the earth today. But gave her the life and electrocuted her.

What's the difference between your wages and your penis? You don't have to convince your wife to blow your wages.

My new song “Butthole of the Tiger” is gross and not good







OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself

Trump steps up his Fox News fight with derogatory 'bimbo' tweet:  

Republican Marco Rubio winning Wall Street fundraising race 

A 40-year-old man called me swell. What the heck do I do now?

I want the writers of twitter to kill off my character

Puts the "oopid" in "stupid"







me: no I’ve been nervous many times

China rout, oil gloom deepen losses in Asian shares:  

However , unlike fish , they do not have gills and must come to the surface regularly to breathe.

Just had a look when Sinead O'Connor was last trending on Twitter. It's been 7 hours and 15 days.

London designers call upon Shakespeare, nature for inspiration 

The 2008 Formula One season was the 59th FIA Formula One World Championship season.

Had a fight last night with the wife, she threw a lettuce at me! That's just the tip of the iceberg.







Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

I hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years. Its not like I have 2020 vision.

Most people who wish a motherfucker would, have no idea what they’d do if a motherfucker did

India's top court calls for improved compensation for rape victims 











GHOST DAD: [under breath] I can't believe I raised a snitch

The distances involved may be short or long.

I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

The first two were Buddhist Rajputs and the last two Hindu Brahmins.

Viacom cuts Redstone pay due to reduced responsibilities; CEO pay rises  

I enjoy Mastercard on a piece of brioche with arugula, swiss, and a little dijon.  On hot summer days I lick frozen Discover cards.


                                                                   Everyone:

Uganda's Yoweri Museveni defends record in presidential debate 

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Reports of U.S. sailors' prompt release is speculation: Iran's Revolutionary Guards 

Anger grows in Saudi Arabia's Shi'ite areas after executions:  



teen vampire: [ugly crying]

The next turn then goes to the player to the left of the current player.

Vulcan was among the gods placated after the Great Fire of Rome in AD 64.

Alphabet passes Apple to become most valuable traded U.S. company  


me: there’s no way these are mild

What does Zika mean for the Rio Olympics?  

Nine million people watch BBC Three every week.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.

How do you find a blind man in a nudest colony? It isn't hard.

Anger grows in Italy over covering nudes for Iran's Rouhani 

Brazil police include Lula in investigation of auto sector bills 

- How can you tell a Head nurse?  The one with dirty knees

Inglis describes the early Carrow Road as comprising `` a Main Stand , a covered end terrace and two large open banks ''.

If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day?

Some Boeing, Airbus suppliers have cold feet about increasing production  



me *trying to impress her*: I rinse out my condoms

One of the company 's early successes was its distribution of the 1936 anti-Cannabis propaganda film Reefer Madness , which became a cult hit on American college campuses in the early 1970s.

How many 11s does it take to change a lightbulb? 9. 9 11 changed everything.


[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha

Seahorses have a coronet on their head , which is distinct to each seahorse , much like a human fingerprint.

When ratified , this was to give Scotland its first Parliament for nearly 300 years.






                  cancelled

Sir Run Run Shaw CBE , GBM is a Hong Kong media mogul.







me: no

Fed to hike twice in 2016, undeterred by external risks: Reuters poll

Whenever I’m sad, I just wait for a really smart person to tell me it could be worse and that I should be grateful, and then I feel better.

Jason Rezaian and other U.S. prisoners arrive in Germany after Iran prisoner swap:  





 draws a horse/duck hybrid

If God meant for us to be naked, he would have fit our skin better on.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

The Last Olympian revolves around the demigod Perseus Jackson as he leads his friends in a last stand to protect Mount Olympus.

Why do people always say that nothing rhymes with orange? When it doesn't!

House backs tighter North Korea sanctions, sends bill to Obama 



ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ

Kerry in Albania to encourage anti-corruption reforms 

Travel agency in isolated Gaza recalls the 'golden' 1950s 

Several remixes of `` Say My Name '' were issued alongside the original version.

Yo Mama is so fat her BMI is measured in acres.

This is what my drunk mind ha s created you’re welcome

Some high-end slide rules have magnifying cursors that make the markings easier to see.

RAP: Retards Attempting Poetry

Olympian Sarah Ayton carves out new career as Extreme Sailing coach  

Winter's coming, time to take off the stained satin sheets.

Why did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits. 

The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money.

Other products include My First Britannica , aimed at children ages six to twelve , and the Britannica Discovery Library , written for children aged three to six.







Of course I can. Can YOU?

Clinton and Sanders go after minority votes -  

Once the changeling mother and the changeling have drained the life from the human mother and child , the changeling and its mother begin to search for a new suitable food source.

If a bunch if midgets did a wave, would it be called a ripple?

Harlan was named for one of Iowa 's early U.S. Senators , James Harlan.

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it his a windscreen? It's arse!

Tech executives, U.S. officials to confer on militants' social media use 

Russia keeps bombing despite Syria truce; Assad vows to fight on  

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

These included the skeleton of the first ichthyosaur skeleton to be recognized as such and the first two plesiosaur skeletons ever found , the first pterosaur skeleton found outside of Germany , and some important fossil fish.

Went to a chemist yesterday and said to the pharmacist "Excuse me I'm after some condoms" "Just a minute" he replied. I said"Yes thats them"

In the struggle , the building catches fire and the survivors flee.

My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.

Because many frequent Internet users have been tricked into viewing the site at one time or another , it has become something of an Internet meme.

She also won the 2004 US Open singles title and was the runner-up in singles at the 2006 French Open and the 2007 US Open , both times to Belgian player Justine Henin.

Like standard rail tracks , tram tracks consist of two parallel steel rails.

Winds continued to increase into that afternoon , as seas increased to 18 f. One man fell overboard by 5 p.m. and drowned.

got my ass ate, call that butt appétit

Russian jets in Syria pound Latakia ahead of fighting halt 

lSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Tactics also play a key role , and the combination makes it attractive to many.

The first suggestion for a name came from Galle , who proposed the name Janus.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

To Kill Two Birds With One Stone

Bryant soaks up warm farewell from frigid outpost 

A Jehovah's Witness gave me an advent calendar. The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.

He was born and raised in Seoul.

How long can a pizza sit out before it goes bad

When the wheel was invented. It started a revolution.





bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

you can get a trial lawyer for thirty days and then you have to subscribe

Trump in lead at 40.6 percent  

One of life’s simple pleasures is being introduced to someone whose last name is their occupation. Like Baker or Gardener or Ghostwhisperer

Many U.S. states also have such departments.

was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives

Congress approves permanent Internet access tax ban 

Pride Month may be halfway over but if RuPaul walks onto Hollywood Boulevard and sees his shadow it’s 6 more weeks of Pride

The Best Is Oftentimes The Enemy Of The Good













My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Sandon is one of many mining ghost towns in British Columbia , Canada.

Why do cows lie down together when it rains? To keep each udder dry.

Elive can be used like any Live CD or installed to the hard drive to access its full features.

Professional dancers typically wear out pointe shoes much more quickly ; a new pair may wear out in a single performance.




ME: no the regular kind

Hey guys, I make art and I set up a thing where you can buy happy huggy heart products if you feel like it or not it’s up to you really but yeah ok here it is thanks bye

Global stocks dumped for safe havens as bank fears flare  

It began full operation two days after a ceremonial opening on 26 May 2006.

What kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.

Mirror inspector. Now there's a job I could really see myself doing!

China shares fall as oil slides, outweighing stimulus hopes  

Heaviest air strikes yet rock Yemeni capital Sanaa: residents 

Pay attention to Sarah Ullman (aka @thesillysully). She combines media savvy, political vision & a lifelong passion to take gun violence out of our culture. #OneVoteataTime has & will make real change for the better. Follow, donate, volunteer, RT - and watch good done well.


ACHILLES: Well I guess I work too hard.

Planned Parenthood files U.S. lawsuit against group behind secret videos 

Did you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels?
They loved in vein....

At least eight migrants drown in sinking off Greek island 

Liars Need Good Memories

China sends missiles to contested South China Sea island - Taiwan, U.S. officials:  

Not happy with my camping trip travel insurance. Apparently If someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

Herring are an important economic fish.

the absolute worst struggle of my life is how hard it is to find coconut popsicles that don’t have dairy in them

A year in space: Scott Kelly and Mikhail Kornienko return to Earth -  

Never moon a werewolf.

Tsk..a slinky riding the escalator. I swear, laziness has taken over this country!

Genet would never return to prison.

Egypt jails author for two years over sexually explicit novel 

German police raid homes of suspected militants near western city of Mainz 

I bought a battery powered clock  today.When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.I thought "This is a wind up!"



Is this what defeat looks like?

This is not a pipe: the surrealist Brexit summit 

A grasshopper walks into a bar & the bartender goes "we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper goes "you have a drink named Kevin?"

This makes reading back a conversation quite cumbersome ; having to switch talk pages back and forth in order to make sense of the conversation.

He served during the first term of President George W. Bush from 2001 until 2005.

Car rentals are subject to many conditions which vary from one brand to another.

Did you hear about the man who fell asleep at the wheel? There was a terrible mess, clay everywhere...

Iran says will resist curbs on oil output as part of global pact:  

Russell was by this time increasingly tired of philosophy and envisaged Wittgenstein as his successor who would carry on his work in the foundations of mathematics.

Let's be frank here. I'm Sinatra.

acting isn’t even that hard you just read words on a page lmao

British government must restore energy sector confidence – MPs 

LOOK AT ME, she screamed from a tiny corner on a speck of dust circling a small star, one of billions in a galaxy, one of billions in space.

What We Do Willingly Is Easy

Facts Are Stubborn Things

I said to the doctor "Can you give me something for my liver?" So he gave me a pound of onions.

Philippine army kills 42 Islamist militants in battles in south 

Scent of Virginia student found in apartment of man charged with murdering her, witness says  

As a measure , `` fertility rate '' is the number of children born per couple , person or population.

Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

UNICEF confirms severe malnutrition in Syria's besieged Madaya 

How can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me

To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.

Remy from Ratatouille yanking on my pubes and controlling my sex







ME: Why do I shit with my legs crossed

It would not be long before the idea was adopted worldwide.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

No candidate elected outright in first round of FIFA presidential vote.

Hangry: So hungry by the lack of food you become angry.

Three killed in Afghan forces raid on clinic run by Swedish aid group 



@netflix for the love of god please pick up @HappySYFY it's the most unique and weird show i've ever seen and the fact that it's been cancelled is a damn tragedy

How do you know that adam and eve were white? have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.

Jeb Bush to get a hand from brother George W. in South Carolina 

A City That Parleys Is Half Gotten

The only thing that matters in a movie is whether the cast is listed alphabetically or in order of appearance. It is all a build up to that reveal.

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster. 

Reefs that didn't keep pace could become drowned reefs , covered by so much water that there was insufficient light for further survival.

If the birds and mice won't even dress me and braid my hair then why the hell should I do it myself?

What do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.

Obama says won't campaign for any Democrat who doesn't back gun reforms 

I'm apathetic, but I don't care.

When I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad

Why can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies!

What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? One hundred sowsand bucks 

In the Western Christian calendar , Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent and occurs forty-six days before Easter.







God: oh no

Infantilism may refer to one of the following.

Both parents and children say that young girls feel intense pressure from television shows and other children to look pretty and sexy and say that peer pressure , magazines , pop stars like Britney Spears and TV shows like Miley Cyrus ' Hannah Montana increase children 's demands to have spa treatments such as waxing , microdermabrasion and chemical peels.







me: do you have a receipt

Today the company owns eight Desiro trains.

No plans at this time for joint U.S.-India navy patrols: State Dept. 

Is it weird my favorite part of a girl is her frontal thigh?

The main thing I learned in high school was how to text without being caught.

The words are then emphasized with song.

Dont make fun of fat people, they have enough on their plates.

A Military Depot was established not long after at Soldiers Flat near present day Billimari.

Algeria suspends flights to Libya: aviation authority 

His mother was half Indian , born to a Punjabi father Sardari Lal and an English mother Vera.

Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary? It's a play on words. 

Turkey says Russian jet violated its airspace, envoy summoned 

What do the donkeys in Blackpool get for their lunch? A half hour the same as everyone else.

He That Seeks Trouble Never Misses

Body of country singer Strickland recovered in Oklahoma 

A Creaking Door Hangs Long On Its Hinges

Haiti in talks to delay Sunday presidential runoff after protests  

`` I had a great time in New York but couldn't wait to get back ''.

Ugly birds are just like shopping at Pound Stretcher. You wanna be in and out quickly, before your mates see you!

It is the ninth game in the original Mega Man series , and the first series release since the 1997 game Mega Man 8.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

just saw my tweet in a porn wow that's amazing

It was also the first season to feature an amputee and not one , but two open lesbians.

We don’t need this many DJs.

Pope says Church does not want 'dirty money' 

Maybe I'm just ignorant. I don't know.

'Brexit' would damage UK, could sink the EU, billionaire Richard Branson says 

Germany's Merkel says getting confident about UK deal with EU 

Is It wrong for a guy like me to have silk sheets? They're nice..

On May 2 , 2000 , it was released to Region 1 DVD for the first time.

Insight: Parmesan bonds replace bank loans in Italy's new credit order  

Sunny D tastes like the tears of a kid who just wanted real orange juice.

With Harry Potter, Oprah, and letterman all done, I guess the world is really ending.

Females have a blue crown and white throat , breast and belly.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

A passerine is a bird of the order Passeriformes , which includes more than half of all bird species.

Immature: What one redneck says to another when he wants his chair back.
"Hey, you done sat immature and I be wanting it back."

Melissa remained away from land during its lifespan , never threatening any land areas.

Long then began to look for an assistant so he could spend more time with Kristal , eventually revealing Vickie Guerrero as his new assistant on May 25 , 2007 , an appointment made partly at Kristal 's request.

The Epistle to the Hebrews is one of the books in the New Testament.







guy who does crossfit: [really wanting to talk about crossfit but realizing it's not an appropriate time] oh no

Three attackers from Burkina al Qaeda assault still at large 







Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

I'm always willing to put in more hours at work, specifically lunch hours.

For better or worse, Bill Clinton not a big factor among U.S. voters - poll 



ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

The Kavirondo have great faith in divination from the entrails of a sheep.





Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?

The film was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Short Film , Live Action.

Specifically , it is Mountain Standard Time when observing standard time , and Mountain Daylight Time when observing daylight saving time.

I would rather kill myself than commit suicide.

Pakistan province passes landmark law protecting women against violence 

Planned Parenthood files lawsuit against group behind secret videos 

Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? His jokes were cheesy, but his delivery was amazing!

British police question boy who spelled 'terrorist' by mistake 

Nothing else is known of his life or reign.

Usually dictators don't, y'know, advertise it

Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.

Australian court paves way for deportation of infant asylum seekers  





Sushi and the Banshees

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.





ME: *whispering* giraft

Another long time producer of hot air balloons is Head Balloons , Inc. , located in Helen , Georgia.

Many 'lost' voters say they have found their candidate in Trump 



Me, reaching for a fifth pot: a mess

None of u guys have been having sex with ur boyfriends right? Because we said we were all going on a sex strike. I haven’t fucked in months. But neither have any of you guys, right? Right???

Carnivals are fun because you trust a person you would avoid on the street with your life for three minutes.

North Korea test draws threat of sanctions despite H-bomb doubts 

Oil plummets to $29 per barrel, dragging world stocks lower  

How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

UK PM Cameron rebuked by party members for ignoring their views on EU 

What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. 

My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.

I’ve spent my entire adult life chasing that high you got as a kid after wandering through the woods and finding a cool tree

When I drink alcohol, everyone says im an alcoholic. When I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

'Spotlight,' actors of color win big at SAG awards amid diversity furor  

Pratt &amp; Whitney A320neo engine suffers new test snag  

Clinton seeks surcharge tax on wealthiest tier of Americans 







- Frosted F

To Take The Bull By The Horns







husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

He was 63 years old.

Maybe the people who drive in your blind spot are just shy

Girls on here be 32 years old tweeting “hot girl summer” bitch your child is being bullied in their kindergarten class and is begging for your help

Many also have a simple gut and a mouth with a radula.

That Which One Least Anticipates Soonest Comes To Pass

Well, the people have spoken. This is no longer the Amerca I know. This is kumquat America.

How do you pick up a smokin' hot Jewish girl? Broom and a Dustpan.

Fridges and flour: Syrian refugees boost Turkish economy 

By the time Robin Hood was released , only four of the Nine Old Men were still animating at Disney.

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.









me: what kind of witchcraft is this

What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus

Banadian goose


Not loving Tom.  #loveisland

My imaginary girlfriend just put me in the friendzone.





her: did you just say good game

U.N. Security Council to vote on new North Korea sanctions Tuesday: U.S.  

What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud.

What's the most popular form of birth control?  The headache.

The road to Aleppo: a fascinating look at how the West misread Putin over Syria. -  

I’m afraid my twitter feed has been rather negative over the last day or so. I’m sorry about this. I usually try to keep things light and positive. So, to remedy this I’m going to tweet a string of pleasant thoughts.

It drains much of the water of Pothohar.

these three just....walk around??? like this???? all the time????? doesn't seem fair to the rest of us

Why don't Arctic foxes eat penguins? Cos they can't get the wrappers off.

friendly reminder that no means no and yes also means no because premarital sex is a sin

Guys what base is it when he calls you insufferable



Me in my 30’s: I don’t even have friends anymore.

Spain's king picks socialist chief to try to form government 

Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on the ice.





Megan: WHO THE FUCK IS MEAGHAN

Nur ad-Din Abd ar-Rahman Jami was one of the greatest Persian poets in the 15th century and one of the last great Sufi poets.

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D. I said, yes, but they R2D2.

China shares flounder again, but 'real economy' sound says state media 





Sushi and the Banshees

What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it? A teapot.

He died at home eleven days later as a result of the injury.

He received his first music lessons from his mother , who was a singer , and began composing at an early age.

If someone's addicted to rehab, then what?

What did the fly order at the restaurant? A number 2.

Do gay people say, "That's so straight?"

Donaldson was born on 2 April 1979 at Waratah , New South Wales.

What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.

Wwow, thats’ pretty crazey




Me: What?

Belgium detains 10 in ISIS recruitment investigation:  

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's 45-minute recap.

Dog Does Not Eat Dog

Not to confuse everyone while we’re dealing with this ellohhell thing but karate horse was a girl

PSA:  If you are new to Twitter be very careful, you might meet your worst enemy and your best friend on the same day.









her: stop wearing my clothes

An asterisk is used to mark reconstructed PIE words , such as \* ` water ' , \* ` dog ' , or \* ` three '.

I cant think of any boat jokes. Canoe?

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

Do you know what's coming back in style? Boomerangs.

Cairo, Red Sea attacks deal new blows to Egypt 

She won a silver medal in China and a gold medal in Hungary.

Can’t sleep. I’m so angry about those guys in movies who knock over fruit stands during car chases

They had one daughter , Pascale , born in 1932.

Paracels tough new front in U.S. battle to rein-in China's South China Sea ambitions  

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.

Pope says Trump 'not Christian,' Trump calls comment 'disgraceful' 

"I have always relied on the strangeness of kinders," mused the German sideshow owner, as a 2-headed child handed him a drink.

Some people wish to not see some images on Wikipedia , for various reasons - images may not be suitable for a work environment ; they may wish to prevent their children from seeing such images ; their religion may forbid it ; and so on.

The attack works by encrypting from one end and decrypting from the other end , thus meeting in the middle.

HE'S HOME

Hong Kong police arrest Chinese suspect in L.A. double murder 

Nigeria faces new rift over alleged Shi'ite massacre 

Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.

I'm really tired from all of this metamorphosizing from a single cell.

Honey Is Sweet, But The Bee Stings

I've been searching for my stolen bed for three days! I won't rest until I find it.

The name comes from , the Latin word for milk , plus the - ose ending used to name sugars.


Gyno: Please don't make another pap uncomfortable.



Now we wait.

Playlistism: discrimination against people's choice of music.

Wise is a town in Wise County , Virginia , United States.

 U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in January, unemployment at 4.9 percent.

Paying rent is like hitting a snooze button on being homeless.

Merkel pressured on all fronts as ally takes swipe over migrants 

 S&amp;P 500 and Dow Jones futures down about 2.5 percent, Nasdaq futures down about 3.3 percent 





ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?

Near the end of his life he described his love of his art , `` Each day I go to my studio full of joy ; in the evening when obliged to stop because of darkness I can scarcely wait for the next morning to come ... if I can not give myself to my dear painting I am miserable ''.

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.

The moves that one Pokémon may learn are different from another depending on the species of Pokémon ; even those that evolve from others do not necessarily learn all the same moves that their predecessors learn.

South Africa to procure nuclear energy at affordable scale: Zuma 

If his condition is believed to be true , what he hears at the end of the story may not be the old man 's heart but death watch beetles.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them

Queens was the home of Shea Stadium , the former home of New York Mets of Major League Baseball and the New York Jets of the National Football League , as well as the temporary home of the New York Yankees and the New York Football Giants . Citi Field , the Mets ' current home , is located adjacent to where Shea once stood.

Two Blacks Do Not Make A White

House of Representatives backs broader North Korea sanctions, after nuclear test 

After hours of thinking I've finally decided on my new years resolution: 1920 x 1080

Paddles may be single-bladed or double-bladed.

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

I was shopping with the wife for a present for her mother. She said she wanted something electric. I suggested a chair.

Ted Cruz is melting

Some wine experts contend that the optimal temperature for aging wine is 55 . , others 59 , Wine refrigerators offer an alternative to wine cellars.

i’m tired of all these parents crying about raising kids like honey i just got hit by a youtube ad that didn’t have a skip option we all have things that test our patience

Asian shares skid as Brent crude plumbs 12-year lows  

Standoff at wildlife refuge in Oregon officially over: FBI 

His best day at the plate was on June 17 , when he hit two home runs and two doubles.

wish I could go back to 2014 and warn everyone about 9/11








FIRST WEEK SALES GO TO @LALGBTCenter

According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.

What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? Normal.

It was first published in 1997.



friend giving my eulogy: alright let’s stop texting him

On U.S. end of Iran prisoner deal, doubts and delays in final hours 

Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.

Italy sends more troops to Naples after jump in killings 

Someone stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

'The Revenant' wins big in Britain's BAFTA awards 

Rupert Murdoch announces his engagement to former supermodel Jerry Hall:  

The natives believe they come down with the rain.

This characterization is no longer true.

no offense, but where are snails even trying to go



COP: [loudly chewing a sandwich] you were allowed to leave three hours ago

Evil Communications Corrupt Good Manners

At least the garbage disposal eats what I cook.

For example , the Hassan II Mosque in Casablanca is one of only two mosques in Morocco currently open to non-Muslims.

A wrestler may be expected to portray many gimmicks during their career , most of which may be implausible or inconsistent.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!


         - Steve “Corn Hitler” King

Saudi, Qatar missions to U.N. evacuate over suspicious package 

In the 1850s the many gold prospectors passed through headed for gold fields at Lambing Flat and Grenfell.

One day Cardi B will be the background song for a JC Penney commercial.

What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.

Mashed potatoes or Smashed potatoes is one way of serving potatoes.

What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gunna think we're nuts.

"For a religious leader to question a person's faith is disgraceful," Trump says about pope comments. 

Netflix to stream in almost all countries, skips China 

Large populations of dugongs live there.

Wife looks in mirror& says: "I look horrible, fat& ugly. Please say something nice about me." Husband: "Your eyesight is perfect..."

A Wager Is A Fool's Argument

In mathematics , finite set is a set that has a finite number of elements.

Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach? He ate someone who disagreed with him.

Saudi security forces kill terrorist suspect in village raid: agency 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOOOOOM!

Patrick Head , is co-founder and Engineering Director of the Williams Formula One team.

Their spirits rise during a New Year 's party at Aunt Pat 's house.





ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

I just pulled a Christmas cracker,erm.. There's a joke in there somewhere.

Rosberg fastest but says Mercedes have more to do 

Opinions Differ

Islamic State claims responsibility for Cairo attack that killed nine 

Kikuyu speak Kikuyu , a Bantu language , as their native tongue.

Every White Has Its Black, And Every Sweet Its Sour


me: waiter, the William please

Airbus A321neo completes first flight after engine switch  

She wakes up and tries to run away , but the mice stop her.









neighbor: you say that too

Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

There once was a man called Dave, who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was covered in shit and missing a tit but look at the money he saved!

Why was the cold tap turned on?Because the other tap was so hot!

Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.

This kid fishing in the sewer is gonna catch a clown.

Sanctions impact on Russia to be longer term, U.S. says 

Five arrests made in connection with California jailhouse escape 

NOBODY TEXT UR EX this cancer season i know it is so tempting but don’t do it love u

Why did Sepp Blatter cross the road? To get to the other bribe!

Developed from three stage shows and a six episode radio series , it has since spawned a total of twenty television episodes for BBC Three and two live tours of the UK , as well as two live shows in the United States.

Dutch arrest 10 men suspected of using Bitcoin to launder money:  

Amid mounting bills, farmers forced to sell grain at low prices  

Walk into the building like whaddup I got a oh no I'm so sorry wrong building please continue with your funeral God bless









me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY

Am I the only one who’s discovered new features on the TV remote simply because my dog stepped on it?

Former Maldives' president calls for sanctions against government figures 

I still don't understand how Pi is 3142Am I missing the point?

At the end of the 1990s he set up Schuhbecks GmbH.

Iraqi PM rejects idea of building security wall around Baghdad 

Tunisia's democracy will be preserved 'whatever the cost' - PM 

As The Call, So The Echo

Children have drowned in wading pools and even bath tubs.

It comes in many colors , both solid and patterned.

The year 1968 marked the first time the IOC first permitted East and West Germany to enter separately , and the first time the IOC ever ordered drug and gender testing of competitors.

Parentnoia:Parentnoia is the irrational fear parents have that their children are doing something wrong, or being hurt in some way.

The infected mucosa of the mouth may appear inflamed.

GacktJob is Gackt 's live support band.

Turkish editors expected to be freed, still face trial  



That has been an intentional part of north-american capitalism since the 1990s.

Their weapons are spears with rather long flat blades without blood-courses and broad-bladed swords.

Tunisia police, Islamist militants clash, two dead: government 

when you finally read a classic book but it sucks ass

Libya's recognized parliament rejects U.N.-backed unity government 

I feel like way more people would pay attention to me on here if i had a gavel



me: yeah but it grew on me

Major powers team up to tell China of concerns over new laws 

An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Some girl just said she wanted to have my children. Im dropping off my 2-year-old tomorrow.

"What did one lesbian ghost say to the other? I like your booooooobs"







me: *steps behind counter* NEXT

It initially featured one or two PowerPC G4 processors , but was later switched over to the new PowerPC G5 , and now runs on two quad-core Intel Nehalem CPUs.

forgive me for getting political but there is a bowling alley in the white house and i would like to know what the screen graphics are for strikes and gutterballs

hello if you are not literally this cow right now but you are this cow emotionally

i just face swapped this picture of smash mouth and guy fieri and nothing happened

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say control freak who!

Spike Lee, Pinkett Smith boycott Oscars over all-white acting nominees 

Why does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn't know the words.

Many agricultural soils need drainage to improve production or to manage water supplies.

The Georges Head Battery is located on Georges Head , in the suburb of Mosman in Sydney , New South Wales , Australia.

The telecommunications description of deadlock is a little stronger : deadlock occurs when none of the processes meet the condition to move to another state and all the communication channels are empty.

This comic is based on an awesome tweet by @tweetsaboutdog! 

In 2007 , PepsiCo redesigned their cans for the fourteenth time , and for the first time , included more than thirty different backgrounds on each can , introducing a new background every three weeks.

The Tripura-rahasya is divided into three parts.

Israeli troops shoot dead Palestinian who tried to stab them-army 

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

Man Proposes But God Disposes

Saudi Arabia, Russia to meet as mood on oil deal shifts - sources  

Berlin says no final decision on delivering patrol boats to Saudi Arabia 



guy with me in nuclear bunker: rations

Being a parent is like being a teenager except now you’re old and you have to change diapers and life is miserable and then you die.

I found the key to success. Now, I just need to find the lock.

"You cannot dialogue with the devil," Pope Francis warns on Mexico visit. More here:  



ME [hanging up with his mom]: did I tho



Wife: u run away from flies because “maybe they know a bee”



Also me: *looks at my boarding pass for the 2,438th time in the last 15 minutes to see what seat I'm in*

Mexican kingpin 'Chapo' tried to trademark his name -local TV 

Despite being classed as a new town , Irvine has had a long history stretching back many centuries and was classed as a Royal Burgh.

Kerry says effort and good faith could lead to Russian sanctions lifting 

Of the two albatross species found in Hawaii , one , the Black-footed Albatross , takes mostly fish while the Laysan feeds on squid.

Italy postpones gay civil unions voting, adoption rights at risk 

I've lost loads of weight this month! This whole 'not having any money for food' thing is really working out well.

Syrian President Assad's mother dies aged 86: state media 

If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.

North Korea holding U.S. citizen and Canada pastor: CNN 













Wife: well...

What Can't Be Cured, Must Be Endured

Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.

Not saying I'm in a rut, but at this point if a poltergeist wanted to use my mortal frame as an avatar to settle a centuries-old blood feud I probably wouldn't even resist

My Wife has grown a little penis after she started taking steroids."Really, anabolic?" "No, just a little penis".

What do you get if you cross a traffic warden with a dog? A barking ticket.

Uganda's opposition presidential candidate detained: police 

My wife left me for a weather man. She'll be mist.

Rouhani hails 'golden page' in Iran's history as sanctions lifted 

From Dakar to N'Djamena, hotels boost security after Burkina attack 

A boat builder is showing his son one of his forests. He turns to him and says, "Son, one day all this will be oars"

Australian abuse victims crowdfund trip to Rome for Vatican treasurer testimony 

Bank of England's Carney warns of zero-sum game from negative rates:  

A man walks into a bar and says "ow".

I’ve now done this for a full year. It’s been fun but I think I’m gonna stop now, hope you liked them



I somehow managed 10k followers, so let’s do a tweet call. Send me your favorite tweets about raccoons, horse cannons, or Gil!

The place of birth is the place where a person was born.

Believe Not All That You See Nor Half What You Hear

YESSSS!!!! @shellybhalla

Greek police remove migrants from Macedonian border as more land in Piraeus  

How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.

Major earthquake hits south Alaska, tremors felt in Anchorage 

But many words are chosen for the intended purpose.

Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.

After many successful albums she decided to release a best of album , and in September 1998 , she released The Best of Ajda . Two years later , in 2000 , Ajda released another studio album , simply called Diva and enjoyed sales of over two million copies.

Many different variations of popularity exist , and many ways in which to gain it.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!!!



Oh shit sorry forgot my Bi.D. Wanna just watch me parallel park a hybrid while we listen to Lizzo or ??

Who are Finland's "Soldiers of Odin"?  

Kerry may meet with Colombia peace talks participants within days 

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.

White House says expects China will support new sanctions on North Korea  

Ireland's No.2 party calls for reform of parliament before coalition talks 

What gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer

The books describe village life through the seasons of the year , but for the plays Dewhurst selected just two days : the first day of harvest for Lark Rise and the first hunt meet of the new year , a winter 's day in January , for Candleford.






me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then

Given the long orbit that TNOs have around the sun , Huya comes to opposition in early May of each year at an apparent magnitude of 19.3.

It was tiny.

I CANT BREATHE HAHHAH I ACTUALLY MADE IT

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.







                      Born

My dog chased a kid on a bike, So we took away his bike.But he kept barking.So we gave it back.Because his bark is worse than his bike.

Joe Doe The Example Company 604-555-1234 http://example.com/

Early in the series , Molly is the only character who makes a costume but creates it from old bed sheets and clothes , not the traditional spandex of superhero costumes ; she never wears the costume again.

When you die on the toilet but you have 8 more lives

I just got gas for $1.39 today at lunch! Gotta love Taco Bell.


[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

The adjectival form of the name , although unused , would be Astraean.



ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ

James also owns a dog named Butch.

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

She was principal for Dramatens elevskola two times ; the first time from 1831 to 1834 , and the second time from 1841 to 1856.

[a star in the sky sees a human running during the day] *makes a wish*

He was 16 years , 1 month and 14 days old.

Jailed journalists in Turkey say arrest aimed at gagging press 

Can we stop pretending our fore fathers were geniuses, they didn’t even have ipads

Strike While The Iron Is Hot

Some responses include the arguments that true free will can not exist without the possibility of evil , that humans can not understand God , that evil is merely the privation of good , or that evil is a result of a corrupted and fallen world.

Did you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.

Saudi strikes on Yemen civilians may be crimes against humanity: U.N. 

God, grant me the tenacity of a Facebook mom promoting her cbd oil business.

This joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.

Pride in North Korea nuclear tests eroded by daily grind 

Keep A Thing Seven Years And You Will Find A Use For It

Marske has two imposing houses.

For example , in sheep , it may be caused by crowding through doors , or being chased by dogs.

If two numbers differ by one order of magnitude , one is about ten times larger than the other.

France's Hollande uses pardon for woman who killed violent husband 

Divorce settlements sometimes take a half-an-our.









me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.

Germany shuts down Islamic center in Bremen, raids apartments 




me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

We Know Not What Is Good Until We Have Lost It

The first land sales in the area took place in 1837.

Longoria was given the American League Gold Glove Award for his position on November 10 . Two days later , he was given a Silver Slugger Award.

Today, blunt-spoken billionaire Trump puts his campaign to the test:  

A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry and asks him: Did you see anything there that you weren't supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, dad!

Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*

I've just been spending some time at my wifes grave..She still thinks I'm digging a garden pond.

Some metal leaf may look like gold leaf but not contain any real gold . This metal leaf is often referred to as imitation leaf.

California faces pivotal juncture as death-row population swells 

in lieu of dick pics please send dog pics

To celebrate the last Harry Potter movie, I am going to cut a scar in my forehead.

The category name is defined in.

 Texas judge says ‘affluenza’ teen Ethan Couch to remain in juvenile detention center

The receiving partner lies on their back with legs apart , while the penetrating partner lies on top.

Danish parliament passes controversial migrant assets law:  

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow

Imp . after their name.

i am not doing amazing sweetie

Also see time value of money for a more detailed description of how financial capital may be analyzed.



YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

It can't be duplicated in my life . ''

Four Egyptian soldiers killed, 12 injured in Sinai explosion 

The neighboring Talmudic school was demolished so that other new buildings would keep the view of the beach nearby.

EU eyes shifting some development funds toward tackling migration crisis 

From 2001 to 2005 , Gonzales served in the Bush Administration as White House Counsel.

A cheeseburger may have more than one hamburger patty and slice of cheese.

From the 16th century onwards linen production was established little by little.

I slept in the kitchen last night. Why? Because I wanted breakfast in bed.

A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

Daimler recalls 840,000 vehicles in U.S. for airbag concerns 

Whenever I have a problem, I just sing. Then I realize that my voice is worse than my problem and it isn't a big deal anymore.

Mountain climbers are curious types. They always want to take another peak.

Obama to meet with Jordan's King Abdullah: White House 

How will Britain's EU membership referendum work? Here's a handy guide:

However , Bart breaks his promise and goes to jump the gorge.

Pangolin are hunted and eaten in many parts of Africa and it is one of the more popular types of bush meat.

I like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.





me: thank u we r happy

i'm starting a feminist program where i teach young girls to torrent without their boyfriend's help

Beijing says U.S. warship sailing near Paracel Islands violated Chinese laws 

why is it that you can introduce your significant other as your “partner in crime” a million times and everyones cool with it but you introduce them as your “Crime Partner” once and the host of the party wont stop following you around their house

My favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.





Boss: "I'm not boning any of you."

After this , WCW 's men came into the ring and high-fived the ECW men.

Cameron says to assert British parliament is sovereign over EU laws 

Some soldiers during the First World War stated that it smelled faintly of May Blossom.

Stairway trails are another way to ascend higher slopes.

Administrators patrol this category from time to time and will respond to requests as appropriate.

Through a miracle it was revealed which of the three was the True Cross.

lI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.

My wife has no hands. I feel for her.

What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

Under extreme climatic conditions , a biennial plant may complete its life cycle in a very short period of time.

I'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom.

If I had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after. I'd have a pound.

At first it felt weird stirring my cocktail with this baby spoon but if it wasn't for cocktails this spoon wouldn't even be here.

When Graham was hospitalized briefly in 1976 , three Presidents called in one day to wish him well : former President Nixon , current President Ford and President-elect Carter.

The pass road begins at Dargai.

Her first solo album Into The West went platinum in its first week of sales in New Zealand.

Where do boats go when they are sick? The dock.

Wife and daughter are out of town, which means I'm the man of the house now.

My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..It was the end of an airer.

What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.



ME: That really hurts my feeling

Isolated Nepal PM could be toppled by constitution crisis 

It has been 1,950 years since the REAL summer of 69.

Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*



I guess by then it’s a mute point.











HER: are u even british?

Missiles hit school, hospital in Syrian border town, 14 dead: residents 

Chuck Norris is a stupid actor! if he was a good actor he'd come over and slap my head on the keyknadjndbndkndbjdknskodokdnsnmanbsjdo

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

I threw caution into the wind, but the wind was blowing straight back at me.

At least 12 dead in clashes between army and Islamists in Libya's Benghazi 


ME: "I don't really follow baseball, I won these tickets at the mall.”

Lambert was married twice.

The Komodo dragon has a tail as long as its body , as well as about 60 frequently replaced serrated teeth that can measure up to 2.5 centimeters in length.

Peacock terms are especially hard to deal with without using weasel words.

Yo mama is so fat she has diabetes and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve food in here'

When a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?

North Korea says it successfully tested a miniaturized hydrogen nuclear bomb: 

I'm going to make a shirt for fat people that says "I beat anorexia".

The nice thing about history repeating itself is it's all automatic. You don't even have to do anything

The best way to do it is to put the structure on a shake-table that simulates the earth shaking and watch what may happen next.

I just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets £10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.

I named my hard drive "dat ass" so that once a month, my computer asks me if I want to, "back dat ass up."

Changing my Facebook language to Spanish. So now instead of a "Like" button, I have a "Me Gusta" button.

Sanders and Clinton even at 50 percent in Nevada with 13% precincts reporting  

The site receives over one million new job listings each month , making it one of the top job boards in the world.

U.S. 'hopes' Saudi Arabia may reopen Tehran embassy 

he’s still cool

My wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation, she took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits.

If you smash open a carousel horse like a piñata, it is filled with olives and feta and sun-dried tomatoes.

Two players regularly form a side in courts divided by a net like tennis.

Twitter considering 10,000-character limit for tweets: report 

If octopuses can open jars from the inside why don't they include an octopus in food that comes in jars? First, it would make jars easier to open for elders who are living alone. Second, jobs for octopuses.

Murdoch, Jerry Hall to celebrate marriage at 'journalists' church' St Bride's 

Hong Kong publishers spooked, anti-China books off shelves 

I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot. So I went on a Refresher course

There are many types of color blindness.

All girls that are 13-17 look exactly the same now. #college

My wife left me because she said it was annoying how I related everything in life to batman. What a Joker.

California lethal injection plan spurs capital punishment fight 

How Islamic State in Mosul manipulates the exchange rate between US dollars and Iraqi dinars  

Islamic State battle turns Iraq's Ramadi into ghost town 

A Good Dog Deserves A Good Bone

She met him for the first time at a prom in Ludwigshafen , Germany , when she was 15 years old.

Showdown between Obama and Republican-controlled Senate looms over Scalia's replacement:  

There are two deaf blokes Sat at each end of the bus, signing each other wildly. I'm fighting the urge to ask them to keep it down.

The 2009 Formula One season was the 60th FIA Formula One World Championship season.

What do guys with loud exhausts do with all that pussy anyway?

you ever see a family that looks so much alike, you think "damn, these people could be related"

Me to any gay couple: so which one of you is the one that carries a tote bag and which one of you is the one that always asks to put stuff in the other’s tote bag

I may walk slowly, but unlike you, I never walk back.

Hercules replies that Zeus could make it work that way.

When **** Speak It Is Too Late To Argue

David Bowie's son not gaga over singer's Grammy tribute  



doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce

On September 25 , Hurricane Jeanne began a slow turn to the east.

Jackdaw In Peacock's Feathers

One man near Lemon City was killed by falling timber.

Why don't jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber

Unlocking San Bernardino iPhone would be 'bad for America': Apple CEO Tim Cook 

What's a Canadian's favorite letter? A.

All Are Not Hunters That Blow The Horn

Have you heard my under construction joke? It's not done yet.

I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.





2. My cat will one day kill a mouse and try and shove it in my mouth when I'm sleeping

A Good Anvil Does Not Fear The Hammer

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No steak?" He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

He That Has An Ill Name Is Half Hanged

I combined all of the watches I own into a belt. It was a complete waste of time. 



KURT: it's not what you think. my  large sons & I jerk off with it

















God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Nailsea and Backwell railway station is managed by First Great Western.

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

Grover comes to the rescue and causes a Panic to scare away the enemy.

Fortune Is Easily Found, But Hard To Be Kept

Mary and Joseph. Now they had a stable relationship.

I really need to finish my essay on the wind..At the moment it's little more than a draft.

Hurdles remain as Iran seeks aviation investment:  

I was so excited when the hosepipe ban was lifted. I wet my plants.

What's the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted. 

Brazil justice minister to resign: presidency source 

An organic brain may or may not be considered a data storage device.

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"

I need a filling, but I've been to the dentist before so it's okay. I know the drill.

South Korea demands more sanctions on 'serial offender' North:  

States ask U.S. top court to block Obama carbon emissions plan 

What Is Bred In The Bone Will Not Go Out Of The Flesh

Syrian government forces attack rebels near Aleppo, talks to convene 

What's worse than finding a worm in you apple? Finding half a worm.

Many composers have written Requiems.

Traffic Update: Vicks Vaporub lorry has overturned on the motorway. Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for 8 hours

Volkswagen faces billions in fines as U.S. sues for environmental violations 

Brazil orders release of senator in corruption probe 

What are two things you can never have for Breakfast? Lunch and Dinner.

Saudi minister says Syrian rebels should get surface-to-air missiles 

The local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.

One person was killed in Tecpan.



If your meetings had more ninjas and explosions you would have my undivided attention.

This subtemplate gives.

Forty percent of Germans say Merkel should resign over refugee policy: poll -  

Obama to make historic trip to Cuba in coming weeks, official says  

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

Siri told me to go East so I did the whole Never Eat Soggy Waffles and realized I’m 24. Just look at the fucking sunsetting and go away from it.

See the welcome page to learn more about Wikipedia.







   yes yes yes

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it must be one of a million species dying in the ongoing mass extinction.

Her show sometimes featured as many as 40 troupers and made her the highest-paid black entertainer of her day.










•neck/back/pussy/crack



next guy up: what if the winner just smacks the losers hand

My wife is a famous porn star. She would be pissed if she found out.

Germany investigates Syrian student suspected of making ISIS video 

After Dinner Comes The Reckoning





Bye 

The two disc set includes songs from 1980-2005.

Suger was one of the last French abbot-statesmen , a historian , and the influential first patron of Gothic architecture.

adam levine said "one more fucking love song i'll be sick" and then wrote more love songs and we let him get away with it

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He was tired of getting nailed to the boards.

Guess which one of these sweet potatoes my husband bought.



KIDNAPPER: How does he keep getting out of his gag

House Republicans ready legal fight against Obama's Guantanamo plan 

Swiss may decide their own limits on migrants from EU without Brussels: foreign minister 

At least 51 killed in attacks in Iraqi capital, eastern town 

So glad I don't have to  hunt for food. I don't even know where sandwiches live.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

What food kills a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake.

elevator men are so nice. they’re always allowing me on to their elevator first so i can be the one to hold the elevator door for them and press all their floor buttons according to their dictated specifications

Spanish , as a mother tongue , is spoken by more than 333 million people.



Brother: I’m a spare Gus.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with "The Monkeys". I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.

The 12 '' single included the 1985 live version that would later appear on the 1988 album Tina Live in Europe.

Germany, France can't solve refugee issue without me: Italy PM 

Many people also work in the numerous offices of international organizations located in Geneva.

Please don't interupt me while im ignoring you.

What is Santa's favourite pizza?One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

German government accuses Russian media of biased reporting 

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

Did you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.

U.S. businessman jailed in Iran breaks hunger strike: mother 

Jeter 's home run was called by one of his Yankee predecessors at shortstop , broadcaster Phil Rizzuto.

I gave my girlfriend blood today, I know it's not a great Valentine's gift , but it came from the heart.

Laos PM, party boss set for political exit after congress vote 

Protists live in almost any environment that contains liquid water.

here's how we have "progressed" as a country since the 1950s: when I was a kid, racists had to hide under white hoods. nowadays they tweet from the Senate floor

BOJ adopts negative rates in ramped-up stimulus campaign, stuns markets  

An aqueduct is a water supply or navigable channel constructed to convey water.



me:

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?" 
TEACHER:" Of course not." 
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."

Kenyan troops abandon Somali camp to al Shabaab militants 

Adele 'cried all day' after shaky Grammy performance 

My parents are omnipotent. In other words, they are all-no-ing.

grandma wants to know why I got heathen tattoos instead of buying a house and also how does her gps work she overshot her destination by 30 minutes and is lost please how does it work how

The Wests later had two daughters.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

(By the way - I recently read that very memo. It was brimming with the self-righteous hubris of one w/out the wisdom or experience (or temperament - yet) to recognize that just cause someone disagrees with you, they're not necessary "wrong." I don't blame em for being pissed.)

Lamentations was certified Gold in Canada.

Far away









murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :')

Irish PM says will attempt to form new government 



Check it out here: https://twitter.com/llamainatux/status/1120495813480857602?s=21 …

What's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you.

Saudis signal backing for Syria talks despite row with Iran 

"Y'all" is short for "yellow alligator"

Alleged former IRA chief gets 18 months in jail for tax evasion 

Twelve killed in blast in Syrian capital's main Shi'ite quarter 





ME: but like do i have to

The friends then go a field , where they drink and laugh.

A month before touring for Louder Than Love commenced , bassist Hiro Yamamoto , who was becoming frustrated that he wasn't contributing much , left to go back to college.

Did you hear about the local crossword champion who passed away? You can find him at the local cemetary 6 down and 4 across.

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.

It first began selling books online in the late 1980s , but the company 's web site was not launched until May 1997.

Consternation at Austrian case of Nazi camp survivors called 'a plague' 

What do ducks smoke? Qwack

In 1891 , Chongqing became the first inland commerce port open to foreigners.

3 years. RIP Darwyn #DarwynCooke @Nicest_Girl_Evr

In industry , both hot water and water heated to steam have many uses.

It was later renamed Machina and then to Elephants Dream after the way in which Dutch children 's stories abruptly end.

On the trip , his friend Grover , revealed to be a satyr , urgently tells Percy 's mother that Percy must go to a certain camp.

Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed. 

Shortly after , they signed with the PS Company label and in May , released their first EP , Cockayne Soup.

haHA! I have bamboozled you into sending me photos of lizards. A well hatched scheme imo

 Jakarta police chief says Islamic State ‘definitely’ behind attack. More:  

Like all forms of paintball , scenario paintball has a very good per-capita safety record.

He was hanged for murder at Old Melbourne Gaol in 1880.

Tunisian forces kill five militants crossing from Libya 

Before dying , the Great Deku Tree gives Link the spiritual stone of the forest , the Kokiri 's Emerald , and sends him to Hyrule Castle to speak with the princess of destiny , Zelda.

Why did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.

Damascus backs Syria talks, wants list of 'terrorist groups' and opposition negotiators 

Doraemon is sent back in time by Nobita Nobi 's great-great grandson Sewashi to improve Nobita 's circumstances so that his descendants may enjoy a better future.

For instance , there are two nines on the A scale ; to find the square root of nine , use the first one ; the second one gives the square root of 90.

Third member of London 2017 board quits:  

See the documentation on.

It was there that they decided to find her a new name.

Okay, so. Former zoo keeper here, working mainly with wolves, big cats and bears. I know my shit. And I can tell you that wolves do not howl at this age, unless in pain. My guess is that she's squeezing its paw. Do not retweet.

An angel came and told me God has been hearing my prayers...and they're really creeping Him out.



Me: do you seriously not have sheets on your bed good god get it together man we’re not in college

Somebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

Give Him An Inch And He'll Take An Ell

How Dutch police are training eagles to snatch enemy drones:  

Which spice girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can

Germany, Afghanistan work together to return refugees to Kabul 

am i funnier than i am hot or am i hotter than i am funny man this is a real chicken or the egg scenario wow

If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "Doesn't understand instructions"

Pouring a shot of liquor in my belly button and duct taping over it to bring it to a party

Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization. 



Suu Kyi allies to form Myanmar ruling party after decades of struggle 

Name Not A Rope In His House That Was Hanged

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

Schoenberg refused , saying `` I would only make you a bad Schoenberg , and you 're such a good Gershwin already . ''

Documents show match-fixing at top level of world tennis: BBC/BuzzFeed 

Children sacrificed to bring luck in Uganda elections: charity 

Sacred Heart is still a widely used name for many Roman Catholic institutions , including schools , colleges , and hospitals in many countries around the world.

Why did the hipster go kayaking in a tributary? Rivers are too mainstream. 

What does a clock do when its hungry? Go back for seconds.

Six people killed in random Michigan shootings, suspect in custody 

In 1606 he killed a young man in a brawl and fled from Rome with a price on his head.

Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.

I can feel my soul leaving my body

How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

Nicola Sturgeon speaks on the benefits of EU membership. Followed by Q&amp;A. Watch:  

Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in water? Bob. What do you call a man swimming in water with no arms or legs? Clever Dick

The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.

Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical? If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.

Sorry for no tweets yesterday, I think my neighbors forgot to pay the Internet bill. How irresponsible of them.

Lobsters are omnivores , and typically eat live prey such as fish , mollusks , other crustaceans , worms , and some plant life.

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline

Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

I drank a bottle of cat shampoo last night. Dont ask meow!

My sister has a new job, but it's hard to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.

French plan advances to strip passports from those convicted of terrorism 

It is also only possible for trees which are solid to the center of the tree ; many very old trees become hollow as the dead heartwood decays away.

Swiss investigating alleged secret 1970 PLO deal 

I'm throwing a party for people who have issues with orgasms. Can you come?

They had one son , Schuyler Colfax III , born in 1870.

Michigan emails show officials knew of Flint water disease risk 

Lad asks Granny "Have you seen my pills,they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies "fook the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

If I hadn't heard her I 'd have probably done something entirely different . ''

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

A Black Hen Lays A White Egg

Health advice: the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. Guaranteed.

What's big, grey and doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.

Oil prices set to end week higher on output freeze, but glut looms:  

The man was about 70 at the time of death.

Tunisia. Five years after the 'Arab Spring' Photo essay:  

The two series are played in late May each year after the first and second rounds of the playoffs and before the Finals.

Time Cures All Things

The project would bring the maximum output of the facility to 40 GW , twice that of China 's Three Gorges Dam.

For fans who didn't catch it the fifth , tenth or twentieth time they 've run the angle , `` Stone Cold '' Steve Austin and Vince McMahon are about to feud once again ... First up was Vincent McMahon labeling Austin with a steel chair as he was waiting to put a dazed RVD away ... Three minutes later , it was Shane McMahon 's turn to hurl Kurt Angle out of the ring and into a steel ring post.

Salt Water And Absence Wash Away Love

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Cos it's too far to walk.

France fails to win immediate EU action on farming crisis  

Iran released U.S. sailors in international waters:  

It has a regular year of 365 days divided into 12 months , and a leap day is added to February every four years . Hence the Julian year is on average 365.25 days long.

The Victorian gold rush , which occurred in Australia in 1851 soon after the California gold rush , was the biggest of several Australian gold rushes.

What's the difference between a cactus and a school bus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside

Mary has 24 cupcakes she eats 9 at lunchtime, then she eats another 6 at dinner time. What does Mary have now? Diabetes

It may be useful on other high-volume talk pages , or on process pages that work like talk pages , where users new to a discussion ask the same questions repeatedly.



*been afraid of a goose

Malaysia says debris found off Thai coast not from missing MH370  

They all keep a straight face until Uncle Eddie says that the fig pudding is the best ever and asks Dad if he has added some new ingredient.

The chrysalis is dark brown or rarely tan , with gold eyes and short gold lateral and subdorsal cones.

Khalid was received by his elder brother Walid bin Walid and was first among the three men to enter Islam.

I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.

The term redox comes from the two concepts of reduction and oxidation.

Ireland set to oust government, no obvious replacement: exit poll  

Why did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering A minor

Denver defense, Manning beat Pats off to Super Bowl  

What does every Pirate bachelor hate? A small chest with no booty.

I just drank some WKD with ice in it. It was wicked.

just overheard my big boyfriend saying “my girlfriend’s kind of a weird guy”

MPs piles pressure on watchdog over HBOS accounting probe 

It is 114 m long and highly stylised , the neck , body and tail varying little in width.

UK finance ministry says no contingency plans for Brexit 

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

Russia pushes U.N. Security Council on Syria sovereignty 

On the anterior end of the fish , there are two dorsal fins.



magic mirror: who said that?



because you get old and you have had so many they are boring!!

Obama, Merkel discuss aid for Syrian refugees: White House 

I'm a cow boy/ on a grass field I ride/ I'm wanted, WANTED/ for milk, meat and hide

It's a wonderful day to go to the gas station and pet the hot dogs



Balloon: Ima choke a bird

On her own time , she took some memorable photographs during the Great Depression of people from all economic and social classes . Collections of her photographs were published as One Time , One Place and Photographs.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent and nickel back.

Yo mama is so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.

Two naked oiled up women just burst in my house and started wrestling with my wife. Luckily, I was able to knock one out.

We 'll never know ; we 're stuck with our interval.

I hate living where I do. I used to think 55 degrees is cold now I think 18 degrees is warm.



Me: ᵖⁱᶜᵏ ᵐᵉ

I have a fear of speed bumps..but I'm slowly getting over it.

It is one of twelve secondary schools run by the Aberdeen City Council educational department.

One of the main criticisms of the SPL is the dominance of the two Old Firm clubs , Celtic and Rangers.

Michael Bloomberg may launch independent U.S. presidential bid: report 

A Soft Answer Turns Away Wrath

The oldest of the children , Sean , was only twelve years old at the time.

I don’t mind murder if we’re gonna keep getting these fire Netflix documentaries.

Traditionally this is accompanied by white shorts and black socks with red turn-downs.







me: you’re cleaning 

A wrestler who is eliminated without a referee noticing may sometimes sneak back into the match.

Giraffes are the cockiest beings I've ever met, do you know how long it takes for them to swallow their pride?

Film director Rainer Werner Fassbinder and actor Yank Azman were born in Bad Wörishofen.

Senior opposition negotiator Alloush says not optimistic on talks 

I tried on a pair of jeans from 7 years ago and they still fit perfectly. My "eat whatever I want and hope nothing happens" diet is working!

Hearing dogs may be trained professionally in as little as three months , though many are trained for closer to a year.









me: i’m less excited













me: a lot of things were said

Japan's Sharp decides to accept Foxconn takeover offer: sources

How do you make a Pirate angry? Take away the P

My girlfriend left me for my neediness of approval. That's ridiculous, right guys? Right? Right?

Kurdish coordination with Syria and Russia making Britain uneasy:  

Laugh! When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1

I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

Never Put Off Till Tomorrow What You Can Do Today

Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He says he's all washed up.

What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman? The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

saving up all my (none) money to buy a farm so I can grow squash and write books and raise goats and wave a pitchfork threateningly at everyone I see

A close friend , singer Miriam Makeba , persuaded her to go to Liberia.

The template produces one row in a family tree table.

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.

Actress del Castillo says Mexico government wants to 'destroy' her: report 

Whats the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates.

If it's a Classified Ad, Why is it publicly published?

As he battles his enemies for the first time , Parker finds juggling his personal life and costumed adventures difficult.

FBI moving in on last four occupiers at Oregon wildlife refuge  

Every positive number x has two square roots.

When a photobomb improves the picture 1000%

A Lawyer Never Goes To Law Himself

Sudanese refugee who walked through Channel Tunnel will face UK trial:  

"Keep on Trying" By Percy Veer

It's One Thing To Flourish And Another To Fight

Some day you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.




Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Cameron heads for 'now or never' EU talks:   

In 1945 , Moore 's purchased a home in Albuquerque , New Mexico , where he would live for the rest of his life with his wife , Julie Chavez , whom he married in 1949.



she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me

I can't believe my best friend has died doing what he loved. He was a respected and popular skydiver. Really down to earth guy.

Just been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.

America's angry voters divvied up by Trump and Sanders: poll  

To the east of Portlethen lie three fishing villages : Findon , Downies and Old Portlethen.

I added drums to that cat playing a drum solo in its sleep.

Friends come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Sri Lankan president seeks to win back EU relief on garment exports 

Suspected militants hit crude pipeline in Nigeria's Bayelsa state 

The Rhesus Macaque , often called the Rhesus Monkey , is one of the best known species of Old World monkeys.

Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul suspends his 2016 White House campaign:  

Ecuador asks Sweden to submit new application over questioning of Wikileaks founder Assange:  

Air strike kills Yemeni judge and family: residents 

Many A True Word Is Spoken In Jest

The png images here have hand optimised transparent background color so they look good in all browsers.

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas Period only.

Jackson won three Academy Awards for , including the Academy Award for Best Director.

Melling is a Great Britain international.



CAMEL: oh no

Poorer children never went to school.

Stay off Facebook marketplace unless you are ready to find out there’s a guy in your town with a garage full of toothpaste.





Doctor: [muttering] of course they did






me: what



“Bitch better have my honey,” he mutters under his breath.

Iran's Khamenei welcomes sanctions lift, warns of U.S. 'deceit' 

After taking a break in 1996 , Green Day began to work on a new album in 1997.

`` Can't Stop This Thing We Started '' is a song by Bryan Adams.

Oh you say “crime doesn’t pay” well tell that to the person that just stole my wallet filled with thinly sliced lunch meat.

Boosting economy is way to beat extremism: Iran president 

A reaction turbine needs to fully contain the water during energy transfer.

Most competitive teams keep two sets of uniforms , with one design emphasizing the primary color and the other emphasizing the secondary color.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I just peeked in to see if the kids were sleeping and saw my son sitting up in bed with his stuffies propped up all around him, gently patting them and talking to them in his sweet little voice and omg my fucking heart y'all

However Armenian gravestones take many other forms , and only a minority are khatchkars.

Migrants' boat capsizes off Turkish coast, 22 drown: coast guard 

Butterflies just aren't what they used to be.

Liadan goes with her sister on the trip to her new home and on the way back she is kidnapped by an outlaw and brought to the camp of `` The Painted Man . ''

I wish republicans would just give weed and sex a chance i feel like if they just try it they’ll understand how unchill they’ve been

Legionnaires' outbreak near Flint discussed ahead of public notice: report 

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My Bengal of Gold , I love you.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate. They both kill your dog

I keep drinking six-packs, but my abs aren't getting anymore ripped.

Death in Venice is an opera in two acts by Benjamin Britten , his last.

I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Implants?"

I was playing rugby the other day and thought I'd scored a goal. But everyone just said nice try.

Germany wants to introduce random emissions tests on cars 

Schengen collapse could cost EU up to 1.4 trillion euros over decade:  

Mexico recaptures drug boss 'Chapo' Guzman: President Pena Nieto 

Much of the chocolate consumed today is in the form of sweet chocolate , combining chocolate with sugar.

Change , or `` away '' , strips have tended to be either white , often with black shorts , or a combination of yellow and black , referring back to the black and gold strips of the pre-war era , although for a time in the 1970s , Aberdeen sported an all-blue change strip with white socks.

Manslaughter is usually broken down into two distinct categories : voluntary manslaughter and involuntary manslaughter.

Old Persian subsequently evolved into Middle Persian , which is in turn the nominal ancestor of New Persian.

In many places in some poor countries , maids often take on the role of a nurse in taking care of the elderly and people with disabilities.

Plane searched at Cairo airport after bomb threat: sources 

Back on Earth the villagers thank Hercules for helping them and he and Deianeira go home.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. I guess we just weren't working out.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic, you use a feather.  Kinky, you use the whole chicken.

Former U.N. chief Boutros Boutros-Ghali has died: Venezuela U.N. envoy 

This template may be listed at Subst as a good candidate for substituting.

Households headed by persons who identified as being Asian alone , on the other hand , were overrepresented among the top two quintiles.

I Have faith in fools. In my friends' cases, they call it self-confidence.

Live And Let Live

Just sold my car for gas money.

When I'm in America I drive on the right side of the road, which is of course the left.

Each piece of organ would be burned before the sufferer 's eyes , and when he was completely disembowelled , his head would be cut off.

Australian abuse inquiry says will sit in Rome to hear Vatican treasurer 

Leonardo DiCaprio's award "for his leadership in tackling the climate crisis" at Davos

how has this show not been canceled yet

Year 1000 of the Gregorian Calendar was the last year of the 10th century as well as the last year of the first millennium of the Christian era ending on December 31st.

Thousands of Moroccans protest over public job cuts 





emperor: "dave, can i have a word?"

[after losing rap battle] no i don't regret the jazz hands

I want to share this on Instagram but clearly I’m too old to figure out how! Younglings - help

As Myanmar powerbrokers talk, could Suu Kyi emerge as president? 

Peri and Corsi brought in the poet Ottavio Rinuccini to write a text , and the result , Dafne , though nowadays thought to be a long way from anything the Greeks would have recognized , is seen as the first work in a new form , opera.

What do Mexicans and beans have in common? They both smell like beans.

Just knocked over my Sports Direct mug and flooded my entire house.

Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!

Missing radioactive material found dumped in south Iraq 








me: we met in a bar and stayed awake all night fucking



me: I'll have 7 dollars plz

This horse had a wedge-shaped head , large eye socket and small muzzle , all characteristics of the Arabian horse.



but it’s just me fucking up everybody’s name in a DM room.

Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit? Some people say he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.

The Firefox 2.0 instructions may not work on all browsers in the Mozilla family.

The metal 's Quenya name is mistarille.

I once got asked if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy. I told them I didn't know, and didn't care.

Pakistan army says deadly university attack controlled from Afghanistan 

A timeline of GM's faulty ignition switch:  

Global health body under pressure to stop Zika virus 

When Pigs Fly

People who say "Give it 100%" haven't ever donated blood, have they?

Fearing third escape, prison guards watch Mexico drug boss Chapo 24/7 

I give back to the world by seeding my torrents.

So I was at work at a conference call eating Cheetos without muting the mic. This is what I've always dreamt work would be.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

My Boss stormed up to me in the office today and said "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?" "Not particularly," I replied.

This moth may be seen from May to August.

Plugs keep bending? Straighten the outlet with a fork!

Flannelette can either have long or short nap , and can be napped on only one or two sides.

Aldair , full name Aldair Nascimento dos Santos is a Brazilian football defender.







me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats

Support for Merkel dips further on German refugee fears 

Socks have the highest divorce rate.

You know what gets me down? An extra chromosome

Canada says it will lift sanctions against Iran but remain suspicious:  

Fame will go by , and , so long , I 've had you fame.

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.

I can get you 5000 tampax for a fiver. No strings attached.

Woah. “Hopefully”. Jeez.

What do you call a wolf that swears? A swear wolf

Gellar left All My Children in 1995.



[my therapist, shouting from a distance] nobody can help him

Outraged Italy demands justice for student slain in Egypt 

I am very quick to block guys’ numbers because i know that men, if given the opportunity to explain themselves, will only make things worse

U.S. senator was told of link between Iran sanctions, prisoners 

It is a tycoon game in which the player must run a zoo and try to make a profit.

Turkey about to conclude a deal with Israel on 'all issues': Turkish official 

Financially I'm set for life. As long as I die next Thursday.

Don't Cross The Bridges Before You Come To Them

 U.S. stock markets record worst start to the year in history: Dow and S&amp;P slid about 6 percent for the week

"What did the cat say to the dog. You're purrrrfect!"

Japan puts military on alert for possible North Korean missile test  

The only time Hindenburg ever objected to a Nazi bill occurred in early April 1933.

The word baron comes from Old French baron , itself from Old High German and Latin baro meaning '' man , warrior '' ; it merged with cognate Old English beorn meaning `` nobleman . ''

One Drop Of Poison Infects The Whole Tun Of Wine

Descriptions were last updated in May 2003 to enhance uniformity.

Australian icebreaker rescued in Antarctica: media 

Bolivian president's woes deepen as ex-girlfriend is held 

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?

The companion stars may be either ordinary stars , white dwarfs or other neutron stars.

This tree is directly released as a new stable version.





Me, cowering: Um, isn’t that your job, Sir?

Two Serbs abducted in Libya believed killed in U.S. raid on Islamic State 

Somali plane hit by bomb, meant to kill all on board - minister  

What do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug? Just Beer.

Scott Kelly and Mikhail Kornienko - spacemen returned to Earth:  

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand. They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

Europol says Brexit would make UK counter-terrorism job harder:

Rashawn Ross and Tim Reynolds have also become full time touring members of the band.

people get offended at my jokes and threaten to block me, unaware that their tears make me taller and stronger and more powerful. soon I will be the size of a building and stomping through your metropolis, still telling jokes but now impervious to bullets.

Two dead in suspected Yemen drone strike, coalition orders ships out 

Guess who I bumped into in the opticians today? Everybody.

Rwanda to send Burundi refugees to other countries after U.S. warning 

I think I do better when I sing . ''

Cameron says any EU reform deal would be irreversible 

Neighbor of San Bernardino gunman pleads innocent to terrorism charge:  

The longest escalator is at Angel station , 60 m long , with a vertical rise of 27.5 m. They run 20 hours a day , 364 days a year , with 95 % of them operational at any one time , and can cope with 13,000 passengers per hour.

An elephant asks a camel why it had breasts on its back and the camel replied, ' silly question for someone who has a dick on its face '

Three U.S. citizens who were kidnapped in Baghdad last month have been released: 

Storms were named Lorenzo , Michelle , and Olga for the first time in 2001.

I asked the greengrocer for a bag of onions. He gave me one and said that's shallot.

None of these units survived long enough in British Rail ownership to be allocated a TOPS class number.

All field names must be in lowercase.

it absolutely sickens me that someone at a graduation ceremony somewhere is calling me a proud alumni without my permission



ME: idk i already dropped it

How fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey?

Gilgamesh is described as two parts god and one part man.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

It was the first time in Universal 's 26-year history that it had borrowed money for a production.

the first rule of foo fight club is don’t be a monkey wrench

What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever.

Taylor wins by one shot at Pebble Beach  

Rupert Murdoch, Jerry Hall announce engagement:  

I just have to get through this week and every week after until I’m dead.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

The last time I wore a princess skirt out of the house I felt so cute and pretty until a seagull at the beach stole my hotdog so I was standing on the boardwalk shouting at a bird

You make me blush sir! @justinbaldoni


Me: they howl at the moon cos they don’t like it

Promise Little, But Do Much

My girlfriend just asked for some alone time.. I made her a MySpace account.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!

Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Surely every car is a people carrier?

What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle!

Might fuck around and subtweet tweeters who use subtweets to tweet tweeters who subtweet tweeters

U.S. jobless claims rise more than expected 

Iran says it will return U.S. Navy sailors early Wednesday morning Gulf time: U.S. official  

Why do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it

Britain's EU deal - hollow or substantial? 

Is it better to have loved a midget, than never to have loved a tall?

Besides Api-Api , another suggested historical name was Deasoka , which roughly means `` below the coconut tree '' in the Bajau language.

During the early 1940 's Walker moved to Los Angeles , where he recorded many enduring sides for Capitol , Black & White , and Imperial.

Is there rollover Madness that I can use in April?

Boniface quickly dismissed the other delegates and asked Dante alone to remain in Rome.

My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

Afghan troops pull out of strategic Helmand district  

Just had an idea for a cool new comic book

U.S., allies conduct 17 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military 

Scarred by election flop, British pollsters diverge over Brexit:  

Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor

To hunt fish , easily their most important live prey , the eagle swoops down over the water and snatches the fish out of the water with its talons.

Austria's finance minister asks EU to cover costs of additional migrants 

What's pink and slippery? A slipper.

He Who Says What He Likes, Shall Hear What He Doesn't Like



drag is an important art form and has a very important place in the history of queer liberation! here are ten reasons drag makes me uncomfortable anyway.

Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.

What do you call fly with no wings? A walk! Hahaha.. Heh .

The ceremony at the Kroll Opera House had the effect of reassuring many Germans , especially conservative Germans , that life would be fine under the new regime.


John Cougar Mellencamp’s friends: come on dude just eat it normal

Just designed a website for orphans. There is no Home page.

U.S. Secretary of State Kerry says if Libyan factions cannot get together, Libya will become a failed state

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching....to reverse and leaving the scene.

Study says Islamic State's English-language reach on Twitter has stalled in recent months

being a woman is like “yeah i got verbally assaulted today in broad day light on the street but it’s nowhere near as bad as the sexual assault i experienced at the hands of my former boss for 6 years so it’s fine lmao”

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

What are David Cameron's main battles in Brussels?

10 things you will never know about me: 
1-

There may be two subspecies of the Siamang.

Obama says will nominate someone 'indisputably' qualified for Supreme Court 

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

France to move cautiously on Calais migrant 'jungle' camp clearance 

Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!







me: always here for a friend in yeed

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.

I synced cycles with my washing machine. I only do laundry once a month for 5 straight days. Day 3 is always a super light day, though.

Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion.

In oil crisis, Azerbaijan leader is hostage to father's legacy 

As he leaves this valley the sun rises on a new day.







"GET OFF THE LINE MOM"

Founded by Ion Raţiu , it published its first issue on May 10 , 1991.

 Istanbul suicide bomber entered Turkey as a migrant: Turkish PM

Do you want to hear a joke about sodium? Na...

Passive Aggression Against the Machine

My wife is so ugly she spent 5 hours in the beauty salon... Just getting a price.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

The Last Olympian was released May 5 , 2009.

The battle cry of a Twitter narcissist: https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1140481957341495296 …

My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences... She failed to worship me

If The Blind Lead The Blind, Both Shall Fall Into The Ditch

Gober served two tours in Vietnam.

At least one dead after construction crane collapses in lower Manhattan:  

Why do all these people with laser hair want to get it removed?



Date: It's called tomato soup

Is it just me or does anyone else want to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam?

County play their home games at Meadow Lane in black and white striped shirts.

Manhunt underway for prisoners who escaped from California jail 

I recently lost my grandfather. That's the last time I take him to Ikea!

All the Teletubbies say `` Bye-Bye '' three times.

i’m thinking about how we, as a society, began to collapse the moment we let vajazzling go out of style

You can also use `` xx '' for a cross , `` xo '' for a black circle on an empty square or `` oo '' for a white one.

Spain's Socialists near deal with Ciudadanos but still far from majority 

What building isn't trustworthy? The lie-brary.

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".

Hague prosecutors seek trial of Lord's Resistance Army ex-commander 

I hung a foot with bullet shells on the extremities on my doorway.  I called it "missile-toe"

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's 45-minute recap.

'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.

Asia shares try to stabilize, China edges higher  

It was released on January 21 , 2003 and garnered DVDX awards for best animated feature , best director , best editing , and best musical score.

How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

My girlfriend says I'm too immature...well no more treehouse privileges for her.

Johnson Controls to merge with Tyco 





Hostage Negotiator: sacrifice your son

He is perhaps best known for his creation of many Simpsons characters.

What are the benefits of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus!

Bail denied for Michigan Uber driver charged with killing six

The little town is well known for the Rhine Falls , a tourist attraction and mainland Europe 's largest waterfall.

Nearby , three other people drowned and five fishers were missing.

The Twittys and their friends , with two Aruban policemen , went to the Van der Sloot home looking for Holloway.

What does a Gynecologist and a Pizza Boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it


ryu: hell yes

The journaling in NetApp WAFL file system gives atomicity by never updating the data in place , as does ZFS.

She was baptised on 14 May 1940.


Mark Hoppus

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing

The name Heimskringla was first used in the 17th century , derived from the first two words of one of the manuscripts.

One round down and more to come. So, how does the FIFA election work? Here's a guide:  

It may come from the three Gaelic elements mo , ` my ' , Ernán and the diminutive ag , giving Church of My Little Ernán.

The structure allows repeating information using parent/child relationships : each parent can have many children but each child only has one parent.

Rollback must , therefore , always be used with care.

Why did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.



horse dentist: then I cannot help you

What do gay ghosts give each other? The Willies.















the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ

If you smash open a carousel horse like a piñata, it is filled with olives and feta and sun-dried tomatoes.

Body of country singer Craig Strickland recovered in Oklahoma: 

Whoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.



qooq | poop

Today , Curitiba is considered one of the best examples of urban planning worldwide.

Microwave Mentality:
Having the attitude that if something can't be done in 5 minutes or less, it's not worth doing.

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Chester. Chester who? Chester Drawers.

German spy agency head says ISIS sending fighters disguised as refugees:  

What do you call a guy who lives in a bush? Russell.

Because of this low elevation , the islands that make up this nation may be threatened by any future sea level rise.

My mum says you are what you eat. That's funny, cause I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Obama to Russia's Putin: cease air campaign on moderate Syrian opposition - White House 

I cannot help being lazy. It walks in the family.

 FTC probes Turing over drug prices, Shkreli's lawyer says:  

Men are supposed to come to the mosque wearing loose and clean clothes that do not reveal the shape of the body.

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Senior have in common? Their last hit was the wall.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright, fatty?"

Do you want to know how to make an idiot wait? I will tell you later.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

To the person who invented 0: Thanks for nothing.

Their home stadium is Edgeley Park.

Pornhub algorithm, you've done it again



australians: fasty talkies.

What are PM Cameron's key battles in Brussels? Here's a handy guide

Penis, penwas, penalways will be

I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'I thought, can't argue with that!

Why China's boldest overseas takeover move is more than just one company buying another:  

Black cabs bring central London to a halt in Uber protest  

Textpectation: Anticipation of receiving a new text.

White Bird is a city in Idaho County , Idaho , United States.

I truly believe that we should all just imagine a snake pulling its shed skin up over its tail like a thigh high stocking

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi! Why didn't he get in? There wasn't mushroom!



Little Mermaid Priest With an Erection: are you kidding me

What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood



KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.

The two had one daughter ; Lady Mary Tudor.

Can anyone remember? What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?

Wall Street resumes 2016 slide as energy stocks tumble:  

What's another word for thesaurus?

My brother is in prison for something he didn't do--run fast enough.

Justice Scalia has died at 79:  

Two of his children , Thomas and Catherine , died in 1812.

India, France haggle over $9-billion warplane deal in run-up to Hollande visit 












try to tip the iceberg



*just a bunch of yelling for 3 days*

Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!

What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can fall asleep with a light on!

Australia resumes talks with six countries to resettle asylum seekers: report 

BSELP3EP2 - Endangered Species LP Part Two A. Black Sun Empire - Are You There ?

The first issue was released on March 14 , 2007 by Dark Horse Comics.

What Is Done Cannot Be Undone

Britain and EU strike deal on nations blocking unwanted new laws  

*watching someone make better shark joke than me* this is how salieri felt

I've just been given a pack of playing cards covered in strawberry jam..I'm finding them very had to deal with.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

Tell That To The Marines

If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman , that Man that offers to meddle with her , without her Consent , shall suffer present Death.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.

Urinals need some anger management, they are always pissed.

Five Czechs missing in Lebanon since July have been found 

The time server may be a local network time server or an internet time server.

A Liar Is Not Believed When He Speaks The Truth

EU leaders to discuss Turkey, 'Plan B' at migration dinner 

Mating begins between May and August , and the eggs are laid in September.

London-Frankfurt deal seen as Brexit-proof: 

Did you hear Mary had sex with god for cash? She just wanted to make a little prophet.

Oat bread was first manufactured in England , where the first oat bread factory was established in 1899.

why are women’s bodies more controlled than guns? which ones are the actual threat to life?

A guy called me old fashioned, to which I replied “you sir are a blunderbuss chatterbox; a chicken hearted, mop stick. A duke of limbs. A foppish fussbudgety gadabout. A ginger-snap grumbletonian. A nincompoopy scallywag stingbum.” And he will have to live with that abashment.

In 2008 , end of season renovation , coupled with an early start to the football season , meant the pitch was not ready in time for the first home fixture.

 United Airlines will refund travelers with tickets to Zika-affected areas

My mate went to a charity night for women born without legs, he said the place was crawling with fanny!

In 1863 , the New York Stock & Exchange Board changed to its current name , the New York Stock Exchange.

Dog Eats Dog

The organogenesis of cephalopod eyes differs fundamentally from that of vertebrates like humans.











Alfred: i'm afraid so, sir

Mega Man X7 is the seventh main game in the Mega Man X series and the first to have 3D gameplay.

Admitting their guilt for all the war crimes would be one thing.

The only way to respond to these

As well as Catholic there are also small Old Catholic and Anglican Franciscan communities.

By the time of the Ming Dynasty , the name was again changed to Xi'an , meaning `` Western Peace '' , which has remained its name to the present day.







me: I'll invite them to my improv

Public support for Hungarian PM's party drops in February: poll 

Trump pulls out of Republican debate in Iowa:  

Amazon renews credit card deal with JPMorgan  

Rescued Swedish girl tells what life was like under Islamic State:  

What's positive about Africa? H.I.V.

This one may be useful in articles with many diagrams.

U.S. targets Islamic State with 21 strikes in Iraq, Syria: statement 

This means that while it costs money to send children there , towns will make a contract with a school to take children from a town or MSAD at a slightly reduced rate.

Irish PM calls election, kicking off tight contest dominated by the economy:  

I was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist, It was brilliant. I couldn't ask for more!

Traders count cost of Indian caste riots; 19 dead 

I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period. So I had to pull some strings.

You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.

Great Neck South is one of three high schools in the Great Neck School District , which includes Great Neck North High School and Village School.

To everyone who says real estate’s easy

American al Qaeda suspect pleads not guilty as U.S. mulls new charges 

ADHD exists alone in only about 1/3 of the children diagnosed with it.

Senegal interrogates 900 people in counter-terrorism operation 

Netherlands to form 300-strong border guard for international missions 

Bosnia files for European Union membership - EU's Mogherini 

My ex wife was deaf, she left me for a deaf friend. I should have seen the signs.

How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks

It is regarded as one of the supreme masterpieces of the Early Renaissance.

However , today the last week of Oktoberfest is still in October.

The Dannebrog was better liked than any.




Groovy.

Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

The official fan club of Mr. Children is called Father & Mother , the title being derived from their name.

UK's Cameron vows to pressure Maldives over jailed former president 

MEPIS 's first official release was on May 10 , 2003.

The Hunchaks feared that this disregard would only escalate as time past.

U.S. top court agrees to review Obama immigration action:  

I used to live in a normal house.. but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

I thought opening the door for a lady was the polite thing to do..but she just screamed and flew out of the plane..

all dinosaurs were women

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?




M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE

Putin says he wants global cooperation against terrorism: Bild  

Other vehicles spent time in London and the last vehicles could be found there in the early 1990s.

There are no cis-women cereal mascot characters. I’m outraged!!!Join me in protest this afternoon as I empty thousands of boxes of misogynist LIES into the Hudson.

Today, I decided to see the good in everyone I meet. And to make sure I could do it, I didn't leave the house.

I play triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.

Time Is Money




- too long to open a soda can



NEPHEW: I'll call you Uncle Shirt because you leave your shirt on in the pool

I remember the days when 'Blue Ray' was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.

Empty Vessels Make The Greatest (The Most) Sound

The name of the village is a local curiosity , as its pronunciation differs to how one may try to pronounce it.

Life bans recommended for former Chile, Colombia football bosses

Most children throw the 1 kg discus.

The nearby area houses many bungalows , traditionally expensive in land-scarce Singapore , as well as high rise condominiums.

China says told North Korea does not want to see tensions rise  

Reward quadrupled for capture of three California jail escapees 

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.



me: *remembers i'm wearing Thundercats underwear* WAIT don't damage my Thundercats underwear

This is how it starts, I whisper to myself as I sneak vodka in my Starbucks very berry refresher.

A Wise Man Changes His Mind, A Fool Never Will

Whenever a friend asks why I use Lyft over Uber, I show them pictures from when my Uber driver was 30 minutes late, responded only with “Cars 2” when questioned, then canceled our ride

I love that part of Twitter today is “kid uses n-word willfully and egregiously and records himself doing so but since he can’t go to Harvard now we should feel bad for him.” Lemme just say on behalf of my entire black American lineage...LOL. Suck a dick.





send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit 

They chose seventeen young men.









#1 on Billboard Hot 100 for the next 3 decades

After Dinner Sit (Sleep) A While, After Supper Walk A Mile

The left lane is for passing only. Unless you’re in Florida, then you can do whatever you want in there. Send a text. Take a nap. Do your taxes. Start a family. Nobody cares!

Did you hear about the Muslim Party? It was a blast.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.

Some Australian asylum seekers to be deported have cancer, terminal illnesses  

We paid hundreds of dollars for my kid’s sports team to play in a tournament so we could pay a gate fee to watch them.

If you would like to experiment again , please use the sandbox.

Ok but did the cops catch him?

Israel says Syrian government used chemical weapons during truce 

Asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley". Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

I'd rather have a mustache than a baby.

North Korea says South's propaganda broadcasts push situation to 'brink of war'  

to catch a cab, you must think like a cab

This is a set of lists of books by the first year of publication.






me: I see

U.N. fears for hundreds of thousands if Syria troops encircle Aleppo 

Fool's Haste Is No Speed

He is best known for his photograph capturing the celebration of V-J Day.

My kid’s sporting event has been delayed 3 hours because of rain and now I know what it’s like to be a hostage.

Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.

See talk page for examples and standards.

U.S. has 'significantly' upped strikes on Islamic State in Afghanistan: general 

Excellent

Gutted the wife has left me! She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too. No woman no Sky



Me: [assuming he means swords] of course

Outside the tavern two men are killed and Hercules goes to investigate , only to be found by the villagers.

How does a dog catcher get paid? By the pound.

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn't need me anymore.

Did you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he's back in town and wants his money back.

Hmmm. I’d say my life goal is for lots of strangers 2 like me online and my personality is abs. A few years ago I would’ve said kale was my personality but now it’s definitely abs.

I just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word.I can't even tell you how angry I am!

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

U.S., Chinese officers encouraged by use of rules for ship meetings  



Me: [drinking milk] oh no

"Haunted House" By Hugo First

How do you clear out a veterans bingo hall? B 52.

would you rather fight one whale sized danny devito or 20 danny devito sized whales

My face pressed against a glass bottom boat as my expression changes from wonderment to panic as I slowly realize I'm on the wrong side

Well well well. If it isn’t that poor choice I can’t stop repeatedly making.

Putin says all relevant groups in Syria ready to comply with ceasefire 

In Every Beginning Think Of The End

It is typically a sweet red wine , often served as a dessert wine , and comes in dry , semi-dry , and white varieties.

Turkey's Erdogan warns patience will run out on Syria:  

Every artist or band comes up with their own recognizable sound and style.

48,000 during its initial run.



cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

I deleted my facebook because I don't care that 758 of my friends have colds.

Samaná has three airports and one harbor.

In fact the Peshitta Old Testament and New Testament are two completely separate works of translation.

This gives an axial tilt of 95.



          Free

I freed him from the machine

For instance , an LC may flow like a liquid , but its molecules may be oriented in a crystal-like way.

D'Artagnan is not one of the musketeers of the title ; those are his friends Athos , Porthos , and Aramis ; inseparable friends who live by the motto `` all for one , one for all ''.

A man hands you a box. Telling you it is full of your worst fears. The reality is the box is empty but oh how you fill it still.

Police say Jakarta attack mastermind wanted to be Southeast Asia "leader" of Islamic State:  

Germany, France press for peace plan action ahead of Ukraine visit 



PILSBURY DOUGH BOY: you bet your biscuits it is

What's a vampires favourite fruit? A nectarine.

Let me save you some time. The answer to every Buzzfeed quiz is "You're lonely."

North Korea's latest rocket launch may spur buildup of U.S. missile defense systems in Asia:  

Nearly a quarter of Niger voters barred from Feb polls 

I don't skinny dip, I phanny float!

My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her! Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.

- What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?  A car thief who can't drive

Key was born in Auckland , New Zealand , to George Key and Ruth Key.

I think my brother is heading for another breakdown. He's an AA man.

The various types of debt can generally be categorized into : 1 secured and unsecured debt , 2 private and public debt , 3 syndicated and bilateral debt , and 4 other types of debt that display one or more of the characteristics noted above.

Among the translations was another children 's book , Bambi 's Children by Felix Salten.

What do you call a man with no shins or feet? Neil

Russia voices anger at U.S. treatment of honorary consuls 

Mexico aims to fulfill U.S. extradition request for 'Chapo' Guzman: sources 

 Freed Washington Post journalist Jason Rezaian makes his first media appearance.  

One day, the religious leaders who spoke about Holocaust analogies but were quiet about the suffering of living migrants will have to face a God that is more than their petty, tribal concerns.



Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

During World War II , many white émigrés took part in the Russian Liberation Movement.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Indian students protest in thousands as government cracks down on dissent 

The age of cellular pathology was born.

Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.

An Unfortunate Man Would Be Drowned In A Teacup

Learn To Say Before You Sing

Changes at the Platt Lane end took place in 1935 , extending the terracing and providing a roof for the full stand.

I took a urine test at the hospital today. My kleptomania is really getting out of control.

Libya's presidential council announces revised unity government 

China busts $8 billion online Ponzi scheme - but why is it so vulnerable to fraud?  

FTSE bruised by BP after the oil major reported its biggest ever annual loss:  







Me: *tearfully clears throat*

 Families affected by Zika Virus in Brazil.  

The two Chinese characters in the name `` Xi'an '' literally mean Western Peace.

Vietnam party retains key policymakers, cabinet posts not guaranteed:  

Children can feed and pet the animals.

FIFA fires Secretary General Valcke:  

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.







Nothing to the bottom half.

Want to watch the #Cubs from these seats? RT for a chance to win. http://atmlb.com/2VjbEuB 

North Korea says U.S. student confessed to stealing item with propaganda slogan:  

A mural by British graffiti artist Banksy appears near the French embassy in London:   



murderer: *pulling the knife out* omg omg call 911

If Things Were To Be Done Twice All Would Be Wise

How does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Only red abalone may be taken ; black , white , pink , and flat abalone are protected by law.

Two monkeys are getting into a bath. One goes: "ooh ohh ah ah ah ah" The other says: "We'll put some cold in then".



Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

UPDATE: Indonesia National Meterological agency -  issues early tsunami warning in West Sumatra, North Sumatra, Aceh 

Many posters , particularly early posters , were used for advertising products.

Churches offer sanctuary as U.N. criticizes Australian asylum policy 



me: what the fuck

Planck graduated early , at age 17.

Understanding the ZikaVirus: 


Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

Russia, U.S. military to meet on Syria ceasefire this week: Interfax 

❒Taken ❒Single ✔Addicted to Twitter

Your perfect romantic match will be chosen by 'it that watches', an omnigendered paradoxical entity. Its judgment is final and very painful.

His best known work was the opera The Immortal Hour.

My wife dresses to kill! Unfortunately she cooks the same.

I have a leak in my pipe.. Dam it!

I just don't.

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.

The main variants named using this convention are : Bird Flu , Human Flu , Swine Flu , Horse Flu and Dog Flu.

The shortfin mako shark , the fastest shark and one of the fastest fish , can burst up to . The great white shark is also capable of bursts of speed.

Never Cast Dirt Into That Fountain Of Which You Have Sometime Drunk

What's large, white and can kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.

In 1882 , when hydraulic power was a well established technology , a company later named the London Hydraulic Power Company was formed.

It's As Broad As It's Long

Have you heard about the new Eddie Stobart film coming out? It looks quite good, i've seen the trailer!

My recent Google searches: How to detangle my daughter's hair. How to detangle a really, really bad tangle. How to cut out a tangle. Hats.

However , it did not sell anything : instead , Emily would find lost and broken things and display them in the window of the shop , so their owners could one day come and collect them.

No easy way out for Deutsche Bank as investors 'lose faith'  

Italians rally for gay civil unions ahead of battle in parliament 

Yo Mama is so fat, I told the bitch to haul ass and it took her two trips.

Will I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen.

His mother was Betsy Plumleigh Teape.

if the straight pride parade happens, I might actually stand a chance on Xbox Live for a couple of hours

Seehofer says Germany must control its borders if EU can't 

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

*fwoop*



“The most important thing, son, is not to nick your scrotum.”

Nxf4 leaves White a pawn ahead.







instructor: get out

 Iconic images from the Syrian war.  

Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

In the UK the upper house is appointed by the government as a house of review . One criticism of bicameral systems with two elected chambers is that the upper and lower houses may simply mirror one another.

Following the footsteps of the suspected ringleader of last November's Paris attacks:  

What's E.T. Short for? He's only got little legs!

Just found a misspelled word in the dictionary... What do I do?!?!

In the 70s mothers sometimes had what we called conniption fits. What that was was... well let me demonstrate. I'll need a boxed cake mix, four eggs and a cocker spaniel.

saying “welcome to work” to my fellow employees throughout the workday


me: [after 7 minutes of silence] you think my cat is mad at me because I spend all day at work while he’s at home aging unfairly fast?

I just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really.

Live performances of `` Fell on Black Days '' can be found on the `` Black Hole Sun '' and `` Fell on Black Days '' singles.

Please , see the instructions there.

Seventeen species of sea snake live on the Great Barrier Reef.

Man who invented anagrams has died. May he Erect a penis.

having all my ribs removed so my ex doesn’t get them in the divorce

Last night I got my laxatives mixed up with my viagra tablets. I didn't know whether I was coming or going.

two bros walking together, both trying to be the one in the middle

Given the rest of these selected verses `` And the lord provided a great fish for Jonah , and it swallowed him , and Jonah sat in the belly of the fish for three days and nights.

crowd goes silent, the jumbotron zooms in on me making two hot dogs kiss, a text buzzes through my phone “we talked about this” my wife writes in all caps

Trump says pope will wish and pray he was president if Vatican is attacked by Islamic State. 

A Penny Soul Never Came To Twopence

Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank.

I think my friend was built backwards. His nose runs and his feet smell.

The event continued to promote under The Great American Bash name before changing to The Bash in 2009 . The event chronology of The Great American Bash continues to run under The Bash name.

I like my women like I like my coffee: all over my lap when I’m trying to get to work

A broken clock is right twice a day

Egypt's Sisi under attack on social media after television speech 

Geneva observes Jeûne genevois on the first Thursday following the first Sunday in September.

I want to kill the hottest person alive, but suicide is a crime.

Moore and Mosconi would battle it out many times in unsanctioned but publicized play.

I just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is. Could she crack it?

Had sex with a transvestite the other day. She took it like a man.

The statement below is true. The statement above is false.


Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says: "Sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."

U.S., allies target Islamic State with 21 strikes: U.S. military 

L.A. County prosecutor declines to file criminal charges against Bill Cosby stemming from two allegations of sexual misconduct.

Funny Laws-Alaska: it is considered an offense to push a moose out of an airplane.

The first recorded use of mallow as a color name in English was in 1611.

Russia says 40 agreements signed on ceasefire in Syria: agencies 


Me: honey? Linda... you still scrapbooking ?

There Is No Rose Without A Thorn

The template has only one parameter : a real number without thousand separators.

Who's in charge of the hankies? The handkerchief..

Over the next few weeks , all three men faced each other in Handicap matches , which all three men won over the three week period by pinning and making each other submit , respectively.

Why do women live longer, peaceful lives? Because they don't have a wife!



It's on the shelf in the basement next to Pictionary and Scrabble.


3 Today! 

It was the first release to include the new Fedora Extras repository.

If you would like a free and ongoing evaluation of your driving techniques, enroll your teen in driver’s ed.

 New U.S. bill being drafted to reform human trafficking rankings 

I knew you were edgy when I saw you didn’t have a pinned tweet

Taliban factions divided on taking part in peace process:  

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

A Pessimist is just an Optimist with previous experience.

He should turn on the air conditioner and put his shirt back on then.

The next day , Katie and Tom ceremoniously burned their shelter and everything that helped them survive the past 39 days.

Rightist Le Maire joins crowded French presidential primary race 

This subtemplate is empty.

If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well..There's the door.

Strong 7 magnitude quake strikes eastern Russia: USGS 

I once had a dog called Blacksmith. Every time i kicked it, he made a bolt for the door!

They say nothing rhymes with orange. They're wrong. Nothing doesn't rhyme with orange.

i hope you catch a break today

typing an entire rant and deciding not to press tweet

Banadian goose

Bridget Jane Fonda is a US actress.

Astronomical work also required fine computations , and in 19th century Germany a steel slide rule about 2 meters long was used at one observatory.





Me: you mean like you want a to go box



31 year old me: lmao nope

I just got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching really is good!

Many Words Will Not Fill A Bushel

Timmy goes back to save Martin.

I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room and the receptionist just tore me a new one

Snow blows. That's why they invented something to literalize that.

This would provide enough power for 1.5 million average homes.

Uber driver suspected of fatally shooting six to be arraigned in Michigan 



T-Rex: man fuck u guys

The winner would decide who gets what with their loved one.

Growing scale of Cologne attacks stokes German debate on migrants 

Telescope used on Armstrong's moon landing finds new galaxies 

I don't use toilet paper. I use hindkerchifs.

My wife is temperamental. 50% temper, 50% mental.

Starches are insoluble in water.



      ~ Grim Ferry Tale

Westerners may face significant obstacles in obtaining saffron from India.



me: oh i don't work here

Music Hack: if you play black betty backwards it’s la bamba

Traders count cost of Jat reservation riots; 19 dead  

Greenwich Mean Time was at one time based on the time observations made at the Royal Greenwich Observatory , before being superseded by Coordinated Universal Time.

Hieronymus Bosch was an Early Netherlandish painter.





PAUL REVERE’S EX WIFE: *yelling back* They’re probably faking it!

A friend or relative may have assaulted the victim in her sleep.



i'm gonna crumb

The name Contiki comes from Thor Heyerdahl 's famous Kon-Tiki raft.

Don't call people 'illegals'. There are more important things than laws you know. Like human beings.

A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.

French left-winger to run for presidency in setback for Hollande:  

Joseph Chamberlain had had another son , Austen Chamberlain by his first marriage.

Many of the earliest Syrian Americans settled in New York , Boston , and Detroit.

Europe on cusp of self-induced humanitarian crisis: UNHCR 

I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

Freed Washington Post journalist Rezaian headed to U.S.: statement 

Why'd the idiots at Microsoft buy Skype for over $10 million dollars when they can download it for free?

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.

India's Tata Motors is to rename its soon-to-be-launched 'Zica' car amid global virus fears:  

BBC Director General Tony Hall responds to the Savile report -  

Yo, I keep getting older but not wiser... what the hell?

Moderates could gain influence over choice of next leader in Iran vote 

Why can't you borrow money from a midget? Because they're always a little short!

Justice Department considers legal changes to combat domestic anti-government extremists:   



executioner: *flips switch* no

Magicians make people disappear all the time! But as soon as I take and hide a regular person everyone freaks out!

The technology of this weed-whacker is cutting hedge!

He also said that it was `` not correct to say that a soldier can not live without smoking . ''

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought..Screw it!

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. ----Katherine Hepburn

 There are another 34 detainees at Guantanamo Bay approved for transfer, need 'right place, right conditions': White House

A Word Is Enough To The Wise

An Oak Is Not Felled At One Stroke

The full name thus became ` Kongl.

Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor



me, now a dad: if i’m lucky i can sneak my ipad into the guest bathroom

Season five follows two time lines.

Travel tip: don't pack for the weather you want.

What are the Powerball odds? A  $2 ticket has a one in 292.2 million chance of winning: 

Two such cases exposed Acorah.

Polls were even put up on WWF.com and WCW.com to decide the name of the new show.

Offensive against Islamic State in Mosul unlikely in 2016: Iraqi Kurdish deputy PM  

If you're having a bad day, just remember that someone has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

Why are there more Democrats than Republicans? Who wants a piece of elephant!

She performed three of the concerts and canceled the last.

grandpa always said,"Don't watch money; watch your health. So one day when I was watching my health, someone took my money.It was my grandpa

This figure gives name to the hill , the range and the vale.

Stranded migrants block main Greece-Macedonia artery demanding passage 





CAMEL 1: don’t be like that it’s one straw

How Egypt's changing culture led one emigre to Trump 

This page must work within the context of , but hopefully will also see wider use elsewhere.

Top tech official at hacked U.S. personnel agency retires under pressure 

Thousands of refugees may enter Britain if it leaves EU: Cameron 

Before New Hampshire primary, Trump campaign shows mellower side 

Death toll reaches four in Russia mine accident, 26 still missing: agency 

Insults are flying as political name-calling gets ugly. Watch for more

Ever since I started trying to relive my youth at childrens playgrounds..My social life has been on the slide.

It is supported on many hardware platforms.

Don't lie to me! That's what the government does!



She: Judgmental Corpse?

Two is a primorial , as well as its own factorial.

Oil extends rally on prospects OPEC could act to counter low prices:  

See List of operettas by Offenbach.

This quantitative measure indicates how much of a particular drug or other substance is needed to inhibit a given biological process by half.

Italy's tax police believe Google evaded 227 mln euros in taxes - sources:  

After reading this you will notice that the the brain doesn't notice the second "the".

Sometimes I put my head between my legs and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

Iran stops doing business with Saudi Arabia as Nimr execution rankles 

The town is probably best known as the home of the Farnborough Airshow.

Syrian army source says Aleppo will soon be encircled by government forces:  

The second rebuilding took a long time.

A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.

my father-in-law just yelled "I don't care who shot ziggy and two packs"

U.S. and EU warn China on need to respect South China Sea ruling 

I used to hate math, but now I realised decimals have a point.

Trump overshadows Republican debate even as he sits it out:  

A syncarpous gynoecium can sometimes appear very much like a monocarpous gynoecium.

Swedish artist Oscar Reutersvärd was the first to deliberately design many impossible objects.





genie: [frowning] no

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.

Hungarian PM vows to resist EU's 'misguided' migrant policy 

It was the first time a pope paid a visit to a mosque.

Dyslexic rules KO

September begins on the same day of the week as December every year , because there are 91 days separating September and December , which is a multiple of seven.

Digambara is one of the two main sects of Jainism , the other being Svetambar.

A dog sled is a sled pulled by one or more sled dogs used to travel over ice and through snow.








*everybody walks the dinosaur*

How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.

White House seeking the return of Navy personnel in Iranian custody: 

I was wondering why a frisbee looked bigger as it came closer, then it hit me.


dad: what kinda gas mileage that thing get

Six Congolese activists sentenced to prison after general strike 

My wife's a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.

Did you hear about the Aggie car pool? They all meet at work.

Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.

Ann rolls a 1 , and must end her turn without scoring.

Sterling hit by 'Brexit' worries, others major currencies calm  

This is what every video on Cameo is like (by me and @bradfordevans)

To Cast Pearls Before Swine

China busts child trafficking ring, recovers 15 infants: Xinhua 

One of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer.

Wood tar is microbicidal and has a pleasant odor - a sweet musky scent much like that of barbecue.



A large vehicle

What do you say if you're talking to God... and he sneezes?

I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. They told me to try Vine.



me, fully aware that i'm jeb: i hope i'm not jeb

“Weird kink” is redundant emily but okay

British Airways to begin flying to Iran from July 14 

Americans who disappeared in Baghdad were kidnapped by Iran-backed militia: sources.  

What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.



-Dads watching basketball

Syrian opposition agrees to two-three week truce if Russia stops air strikes: source 

If you're not patient, you'll become one.

The fore wing is white with a variable amount of black spots.

The Tezcatlipoca figure goes back to earlier Mesoamerican deities worshipped by the Olmec and Maya.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. 

North Korea rocket launch may spur U.S. missile defense buildup in Asia 

I'm so poor that I've been forced to eat my mates herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme!

I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.

A twin is generally defined as one of two offspring produced in the same pregnancy and/or born at the same birth process , although people with unusually high genetical similarity also may be called twins although they may not be born at the same time , such as with monozygotic twins . Offspring that are not genetically identical but are born at the same time are called dizygotic twins.





Me: [visibly excited] lions can’t swim in the ocean

Brazil police targets Rousseff campaigner in raids, TV Globo says 

Chongqing blazes economic trail as Bo scandal recedes 

If all else fails, lower your standards.

Malta , Panama , and Rhodesia competed at the Olympic Games for the first time.

The symbol in which everyone thinks is a heart  is not actually derived from an actual heart? But a rear view of a girl bending over.

Asia stocks wary as China concerns remain, oil drops  

I downloaded a carbon dating app and was disappointed to learn that the guy I’ve been talking to online is actually a 12,000-year old Natufian hunter-gatherer who doesn’t shower

Pakistan not to blame for Afghan troubles, official says on U.S. visit 

Saudi-led coalition says does not target Yemeni civilians, will work to reduce deaths 

“You may be wondering why I asked you all here today”

The first two seasons appeared first in syndication ; seasons 3 and 4 appeared on the PAX network.

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

Gauri has two children , Aryan and Suhana.

Did you know 80% of Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive Rincolns.

What's a pirate's favorite thing to read?
Nothing, he can't.

 In boost to self-driving cars, U.S. tells Google computers can qualify as drivers  

U.S. wants U.N. to raise refugee aid by a third to $13 billion:  

Many school-aged children can learn a second language.

What happens if you go on a survival course..and you don't pass?

pls enjoy boomer in a raccoon hat being a raccoon in a raccoon hat








#DoesntEvenHaveToSolveMyLoveLife

 Iran releases 10 U.S. sailors after holding them overnight.  

Stephenie will have to go back to Ulong camp alone.

Buying spiders from the pet store costs way more than getting them off the web.

Merkel says supports some kind of no-fly zone in Syria  

I've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.I've made an absolute mint.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

 Images from the scene after a suicide blast kills at least 10 people.  

Then they are rinsed until the water runs through and comes out clear.

i'm really not that special. i put my condom on one leg at a time, just like you









God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Lucky Powerball winners are in Tennessee, California and Florida:  

Turkey turns off independent TV channel on 'terrorist' charge 



UBER DRIVER: No

Phagocytes occur in many species ; some amoebae behave like macrophage phagocytes , which suggests that phagocytes appeared early in the evolution of life.

Whats green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.

EU eyes shifting some development funds towards tackling migration crisis  





ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

How can a room full of couples be empty? There isn't a single person left. 

Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget. I can't believe she would stoop so low.

This was Twitter's reaction to the Fishball Revolution in Hong Kong:  

Before Tribal Council , Bruce drew the name `` Gitanos '' for their new tribe name , meaning `` Gypsies '' in Spanish.





Granny (who is secretly having an affair with Jim the Moth Castrater): *mouths THANK YOU*

Tales of Symphonia 's characteristic genre name is . Tales of Symphonia takes place long before Tales of Phantasia.

Saudi King Salman to visit Moscow in mid-March: RIA cites Kremlin aide 

All Are Not Friends That Speak Us Fair

In 1994 the medieval old town was set on the UNESCO world heritage list.

It consists of three user profiles.

Every band was doing that thing . ''

Support for Merkel at four-and-a-half year low, doubts grow over refugee policy 

I'm 100% against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.



LION: wear something tasteful with a hint of mysterious sex appeal; a touch of cologne is ok, but don’t overdo; prepare a couple of colorful anecdotes that reveal the essence of your personality; ask her open-ended questi

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.








lmao bye bitch

The two parameters must be used together , with hide specified for every line that is being covered by the first line.

If you have cold dead hands you better believe I will pry stuff from them because I am The Cold Dead Hands Burglar and there is no quenching my thirst for prying

British PM Cameron says no second referendum on EU membership 

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

On the one hand , they agreed safety and protection from lawless nobles was in everyone 's best interest.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

The doctor who did my circumcision was terrible. He got the sack.

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

the reward

The Cobbler Should Stick To His Last

I just love the F5 key on my keyboard. It's so refreshing.

After the initial deal , the first of what may be several betting rounds begins.

True Blue Will Never Stain

Why did the chicken go to KFC? To see a chicken strip.

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Brazil's Rousseff bolstered by allied whip victory in house 

Yahoo announces first round of layoffs as it trims 15 percent of workforce 





me: *lacing up sneakers* We can poop behind the building

My daughter asked "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?" I replied "Because it has seen your mother naked."

Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.





Uber driver and me at unison: the sun wants to set us on fire and one day the moon isn’t going to protect us

People killed in Burkina hotel attack: foreign minister  

London mayor says new EU proposals 'not enough' 

Interest in taking photographs soon followed.





me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A look back at the life and career of legendary rock star David Bowie:  

Head of Syrian opposition team says not optimistic about peace talks  







me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. 

Asian stocks tentative on anxiety over volatile oil 

i liked captain america’s ass before it was cool



me: no

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

`` The real master of Death accepts that he must die , and that there are much worse things in the world of the living ''.

Any man who tells you he doesn't have a pet name for his penis is a liar and a complete 'SirPointsaLot'

Newton was the first to apply calculus to general physics and Leibniz developed much of the notation used in calculus today.



KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.





donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

The next NFL drama: Rams and Chargers negotiate to share L.A. stadium  



Me: *trying to impress him* I've had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

My New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent.7. Learn to count.

It may result from mixing of seawater with fresh water , as in estuaries , or it may occur in brackish fossil aquifers.

Leaves are spirally arranged and may grow 2.7 m long and 60 c wide.

 British Foreign Office: allegation of rape outstanding against Julian Assange, so UK has a legal obligation to extradite him.

It has a short dark bill , short wings and a long tail.





ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.

I never go to funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.

Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.

Malaysian anti-graft agency seeks review of PM Najib probe decision  

My mate walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.Full credit to him!

As The Tree Falls, So Shall It Lie

lGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.

China releases Swedish NGO worker: Swedish Foreign Ministry 

Man who shot Philadelphia police officer cited Islam as motive: official 

Aggressive Mammoth #GoogleTranslatesMTG

@doctormoose6 you've left?

They have three children.

 My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she's more of a large.



Noodle.

In the general case , different execution threads communicate with one another as they work.

What kind of light must you switch on with your leg? A knee-on.

This guy just had a go at me for scratching his CD, so I ripped him a new one!

I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and

U.S. Coast Guard hearings to probe El Faro sinking in hurricane:  

That is to say , there is at least one whole day during which the sun does not set , and at least one whole day during which the sun does not rise.

Why was the pie waiting on the corner? Because it was meat n potato.

Many more open air sites are known such as that at Hengistbury Head.

Syrian rebel splits deepen after failed 'merger' with al Qaeda arm 

My girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that it wasn't true as she looks like a fat cunt in a skirt as well.

It is celebrated as New Year 's Day by those still following the Julian calendar.









her: that’s not my name

I've decided to marry a pencil,I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

In many states there are separate divisions for law and equity within one court.

Schaunard , urged by Colline , quietly departs to give Mimì and Rodolfo time together.

*walks downstairs behind couch things for the final time*

Spectator sounds like a really tiny potato

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is a novel written by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn , first published in November 1962 in the Soviet literary magazine Novy Mir.

The first and second sneeze warrants a “bless you”. Anything after that gets you an eye roll and “grow up”.

In some cases , the far end system may have more functionality than a simple demultiplexer and so , while the demultiplexing still exists logically , it may never actually happen physically.

I was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.

Everman appeared in Soundgarden 's Louder Than Live home video.

Titanic 3D is out. You guys think they'll see the iceberg this time?

Sarkozy's woes boost Juppe's election chances, harm Hollande's 

China Dec. exports, imports fall much less than expected after yuan slides  

If 'being obnoxious' was an Olympic event you'd win every time!





Me: *chugging 8th beer this hour* no it was solve my EX problem. so is now a good time to text her?

how does THIS guy get a meeting with nbc

I do a ton of sit-ups every morning. That snooze button really gets a hammering.

EU investigating possible rigging of debt market - FT  

Most Americans support Obama's contested immigration plan: Reuters/Ipsos poll 





It shows that I have reduced them to their fashion choice, and that fashion choice is stupid, implying they themselves are stupid. This is humiliating, you see.

"stay hydrated?" i wince as i recall how painful it was to insert a long straw into the eye of my winky

CORRECTION - 1 Dead in train accident in Netherlands, official tells Dutch Radio.

With the new starwars film due out, Haribo have released some new sweets. I dont like them, they're all chewy.

My 4yo remembers in explicit detail when she was barely 2 and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something.

Zeus appears and tells him the candle doesn't work in the way Hercules wants it to.

Walt Disney

I crafted two golems out of gold to help around the house and care for the children. They're an au pair.





ME: got it thank you





Me: These are all bad!!!

The Thoroughbred is a horse breed best known for its use in horse racing.

Turkey strikes Kurdish militia in Syria, demands it withdraw 

Instant noodles come cheap and save time which makes it popular with most of the population.

College is just high school with more expensive books.

Three people killed in Cairo blast 

lI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.

They say there are a lot of scammers on the Internet! And for only $19.95 a month I can show you how to stop them!

Why did Michael Jackson love to shop at Sears? He heard little boy's pants were half off. 

there’s no i in self-esteem

Dog goes into BandQ and says "excuse me, may I have a job?" Stunned clerk "have you tried the circus?" Dog "what would a they want with a plumber?"

My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.

They are limited to two color combinations so far , and can sing three new songs and dance.

To Set The Wolf To Keep The Sheep

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one.





DOCTOR: That was pretty funny, though.

Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks.

To Put Off Till Doomsday

Oh, I see you like bad girls, I say as I lick the cheese off my Dorito and place it back in the bag.

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.

Asian stocks touch three-month low, China woes remain in spotlight 

None of the latter were double steals.

In International Morse Code , three dits form the letter S , and three dahs make the letter O , so `` SOS '' became an easy way to remember the correct order of the dits and dahs.

Aston Martin picks St. Athan site in Wales for new crossover car  

Although any one instruction takes just as long to complete the CPU as a whole `` retires '' instructions much faster and can be run at a much higher clock speed.

British aristocrat Lord Lucan officially declared dead 42 years after his disappearance:  

Payton was one of three children born to Edward Charles Payton and Alyne Payton in Columbia , Mississippi.

Cameron and Merkel agree more work needed for February deal on EU reforms: spokesman 

The liberum veto and all the old abuses of the last one and a half centuries were guaranteed as unalterable parts of this new constitution.

Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day'

Was driving down the motorway yesterday in a hearse. Police pulled me over for undertaking.

heyy gurl, are u a Trader Joe’s parking lot? cuz u are lookin tight but ultimately not worth the stress.

I'm not saying Michael Jackson was guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.



me:

What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown

Nasdaq at its lowest since August:  

The first malacostracans appeared in the Cambrian.

U.S. forces capture Islamic State operative in Iraq: NYT 

I don’t want to marry a SLUT a man whose penis has SHRUNK because he’s had sex with so many women  a man whose penis gets SMALLER and SMALLER with each meaningless one night stand with no respect for himself 







me: *steps behind counter* NEXT

They shed their skin in patches like other lizards , rather than the whole skin as most snakes do.

Founded in 1855 , Bates was New England 's first coeducational college.

The game is set in the fictional location of Spiral Mountain where a bear named Banjo and a bird named Kazooie live.

He is a right back.

I've just saved a ton of cash on the latest iPhone. I didn't buy one.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wooden Shoe. Wooden Shoe who? Wooden Shoe like to hear another joke?

Daxter was very well received by critics.

Brazil sees worst decline in global corruption rankings  

What kind of shoes are made out of banana peels? Slippers.

Canada's Syrian refugee plan draws U.S. Senate panel scrutiny 

Adversity Makes Strange Bedfellows

Syrian opposition demands answers before joining peace talks:  

Bank of England's Carney cuts UK growth forecast to 2.2% this year, rates on hold:

I think my spell Czech is broken.

The first fiberglass baja kit was not introduced until 1969 by the Miller-Havens company.

If you choose anything today, choose to be kind.

Probe clears Malaysian PM Najib, says $681 mln transfer a Saudi gift  

In the early 1930s , black and white jazz musicians could not play together in most clubs or concerts.

So two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

A man had 33 bulls and 33 cows Each pair had a calf. He thought he now had 99 cattle, but he had 100. When he rounded them up.

Honey Is Not For The Ass's Mouth

Saudi-backed Syrian opposition rules out talks before end to Russian air raids:  



funniest human being on the planet: whoops, i left my toothbrush at home, guess we gotta head back!





Doctor: you don’t have to keep telling me that

Family size bags of Doritos are half price in this store today, and I know a sign when I see one.

The author of many books on Hinduism and metaphysics , Subramuniyaswami was one of the most prominent faces of Hinduism during the last two decades of the 20th century.



me: [swivelling my chair to reveal that I now have bangs] yes why



me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

what the fuck

When my friend starts in with "oh hey did I tell you-" right during the best part of the movie

I’m overseas so my timing is way off but how did everyone like the episode?? #JaneTheVirgin

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.

What do you call a puppy in a desert? A hot dog. 

For two hours every day , at UTC 10:00 - 11:59 , there are actually three different days observed at the same time.

U.S. gives troops broader order to strike Islamic State in Afghanistan 

I only watched the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Twitter reacts to lack of diversity in Oscars Nominations with #OscarsSoWhite:  

The bones of the neck indicated that the man spent a lot of time with his head tilted backwards.





Casino security: seriously, stop

I’ve been doing alcohol in neature and can’t stop making Outside Memes

Opeth performed three special shows in Europe with two song lists each - one acoustic set and one heavy set.

Act in good faith , never disrupt Wikipedia to illustrate a point , and assume good faith on the part of others.

I found out recently that my wife had an affair with a dwarf. I can't believe she would stoop so low.

To Err Is Human

Asian shares, oil retreat as Saudi plays down output cuts

As i handed my mom her 60th birthday card today she said "One would've been enough". 

Many Malaysian children attend Tamil schools , and a significant portion of Tamil children in Mauritius and Reunion are brought up with Tamil as their first language.

Appearances Are Deceitful

Siri, turn off my heart.

What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.

Is there such thing as a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

How often is it appropriate to make chemistry jokes? I say periodically.

Nepal ends fuel rationing after supply from India improves  

China ties on the line as Taiwan votes for new president  





Murderer: *stabs me*

Spain's parties to discuss new government with king next week 

This version incorporates the famous `` You 'll never catch me alive said he '' variation introduced by the Billy Tea company.

Scorpio: We’re not going to sugar-coat this, you’re going to have to fight a goose for your lunch this week.

Triton was flown by at about 25,000 miles away , and became the last solid world Voyager 2 would ever explore.



PHARAOH: First, love it

After sanctions, Iranian and foreign firms await the good times 

You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It







me: give me the chicken succulents

"Solitude is the refuge of artists," I say. My puppet stares back at me lifelessly.

On the U.S. end of the Iran prisoner deal there were final-hour doubts and delays:  

I'm bleedin out scoob

Palestinian who stabbed Israeli soldier shot dead in West Bank: army 

Dear #CountryMusic Fans: @BillyRayCyrus performed on the @BET Awards with @LilNasX & the crowd was hyped to see him! Why? Because we're inclusive people & the song is a hit! We expect the same love when Black artists show up at the #CMAAwards okay? #BETAwards #BlackMusicMonth

$1500 exclusive

As Indonesia hunts down Islamic State, homegrown jihadis regroup  

Forbidden Fruit Is Sweet

This template makes the font smaller.

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks how long till he can get a haircut. The barber replies, "About another half inch." 

To Come Out Dry

Hi. Jew here. Everything about your behavior suggests that you have zero understanding of the Shoah. The Holocaust wasn’t only a genocide of Jews — it was a white supremacist vision of the world put into action. You, Rep. King, represent that vision. Never again is now.

What do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth?Warren.

a lot of people are going to say "why do we need another Little Women movie" but listen: you need this. I need this. ignore the script, Jo and Laurie, ignore the end of the novel. give into your feelings. run away together.





His wife:  ...

What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat? An extra-cholesterol.

you ever worked up a sweat on a warm summer day and suddenly you’re an aging but still beautiful Southern belle standing on the balcony of your shabby flat, in a white satin gown, sipping a lemon coke and remembering when the boys loved you?







dry socket







Me: oh you really messed me up for a sec- wait what

U.S., allies conduct 38 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Uber driver attacked in Kenya, his taxi torched: police -  

This is the first use of the name Nana since 1990.

Breaking News Adam Johnson is set to sign for Man United, after hearing they have players Young, Blind and Keane.

China offers support for Yemen government as Xi visits Saudi Arabia  

James Joyce noted that , `` He is never dull , never stupid , never tired , never pedantic , never theatrical ! ''.

UK green bank shields environmental aims with new structure 

Marco Rubio emerges as champion of battered Republican establishment  

Aston Martin picks Wales for new car plant:  

OPEC sees further action if output 'freeze' deal holds  

'Star Wars' opens at record pace in China, Disney says 

I don't consider myself bald. I consider myself taller than my hair.

Not sure why these right-wing Oregon militias are willing to die to stop a climate change law when they could just wait like 20 years

Oil extends slide to retest $30 as Iraq pumps more crude  

An E-Flat, a G-Flat and a B-Flat walk into a bar. The barman says "sorry but we don't serve minors".

[moments before the apocalypse] now to remove this mattress tag

The last one started to power on September 7 , 2005.

But how did he know sorullitos are my favorite 

Lopevi lost the first challenge mainly due to Chris , however , the older men of the tribe conspired into an alliance and worked to vote off one of the younger men , Brook.

My hot take set my whole building aflame and now all the neighbors + the New York Fire Department are RLLY mad @ me 







ME: i don’t like anything, greg

Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza

I'm for politicians doing two terms. One in office and one in jail.

Reptiles are so enthusiastic! They're always up for it, right from the gecko!



Me at 37: Pretty excited about this new spatula.

Everyone follow my friend Shawn. He knows secrets about me from high school and if you follow him there's a chance he'll reveal them. Also he's one of the funniest people I know

[email protected] here I come!

Going in my brain to find a specific word that would be perfect if I could remember it

A Man Is Known By The Company He Keeps

What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

What has four legs and goes boo? A cow with a cold.

Eastern European Summer Time is one of the names of UTC +3 time zone , 3 hours ahead of Coordinated Universal Time.

U.S. looks to shore up allies' support to battle Islamic State 

Do you think last night was the world record for intercourse?

The first recorded use of raspberry as a color name in English was in 1892.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

The Moche culture from Northern Peru made ceramics from earth , water , and fire.

Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay. I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.

Nord-Ouest is one of the ten departments of Haiti as well as the northernmost one.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She just couldn't control her pupils.

French PM rejects permanent quota system for refugees 

Self-Praise Is No Recommendation

When the electricity demands drop , the dam simply stores more water.

I was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys. It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

Children Are Poor Men's Riches

While cooking breakfast I asked my girlfriend how she likes her eggs, she said fertilized. 😶

Argentina, citing emergency, authorizes force against drug flights  

The EU has formally abandoned the idea that its members are heading to ever closer union:  

Every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is.

Multi-tasking no problem for Man City-bound Guardiola  

Lyrics are a set of words that make up a song.

The two divorced in 1902.

The inspiration for Scooby-Doo 's creation as a Great Dane came from an employee of the Hanna-Barbera company , who bred this dog.

U.S. files motion to force Apple to obey iPhone order

also starship troopers, demolition man, and john tucker must die







the new guy: *backs away*

is this the intro to john mulaney’s next netflix special

Bulk shippers hit by perfect storm as global economic doldrums take toll  

As in many families at the time , Wesley 's parents gave their children their early education.

I just got a Scottish sheep dog from the pound, but sadly my wife can't see it..She's collie blind.



ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Luoyang was defended by three Chinese divisions.

Riviera fan Johnson back in title contention  

Did you hear about the time Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Trump's unorthodox campaign faces first test in Iowa 

A blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men die in an accident. She cries and says, "Oh my gosh, how many is a brazilian?"

Top officials escape assassination attempt in Yemen's Aden: security source 

Our old sofa felt terrible yesterday. But now it's fully recovered

Rubio takes Wall Street

It was eventually decided that the last episodes would be rescripted by John Wells.

Bearded Dragon running on hind legs

Are Pi shops open 22/7?



Camel *in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes* that's him

Trader linked by U.S. to 2010 Wall Street 'Flash Crash' made $878k, extradition hearing told:  

In turn , this release adds in remixes of `` Disturbia '' and `` Take A Bow '' from the Reloaded edition but excludes the remix of `` If I Never See Your Face Again '' featuring Maroon 5.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

















Dad: oh sex, right

Two silk worms had a race. It ended in a tie.

The First Fleet , of 11 ships , set sail on 13 May 1787.













cop: oh man sarge is gonna have my ass

Another standard designation is `` Canon : Two in One '' , which means two voices in one canon.

The new Greater London Authority would be headed by a directly elected mayor , who would be watched over by a 25-member Assembly.

whenever someone says “that’s so funny” boop their nose and say “laugh then, dingus”

The final two teams in the Eastern conference and Western Conference face off.

If you break your legs, don't come running to me.



Me: *makes Bolognese*

my high school had a $10 fine for swearing on campus. one time a kid got caught saying ‘shit’ during gym. when the principal told him to pay up, he handed him a twenty and said keep the fuckin change.



you might not be consciously homophobic, but what you're asking for is the erasure of lgbt people from media so cishet people aren't uncomfortable

A man complimented me on my driving today, there was a note on my windshield that said "parking fine"

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance

My dentist is a miserable fellow, always looking down in the mouth.

U.S. steps up talks on making Hawaii missile test site operational - sources.  



-every guy who has ever had a waitress, ever

jesus: [to tens of thousands of followers] good news guys im now selling tshirts

Volkswagen managers were notified about diesel probe in May 2014: sources 

Obama says Republican campaign rhetoric troubling to outside world 

The brand is also used for the broadcast of children 's programs on BBC One and BBC Two.

The company also offers Absolute distilled drinking water , the second biggest selling bottled water brand in the market behind SMC 's Wilkins , and Summit mineral water.

I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens' shoes. Bitches be trippin.

They mostly live hidden in the ground , which makes them one of the least known order of amphibians.

Former U.S. VP candidate Palin endorses Trump with a 'hallelujah' 

Sudan opens border with South Sudan for first time since 2011 secession 

Unease over Fed rate path dents European stocks:  

I love the drive-thru ATM machine because you can enter your PIN number without leaving your SUV vehicle.

Sparta is home to Kentucky Speedway.

Rebecca Black's Friday: a heartwarming song about a mentally retarded girl learning her days of the week.

yes, autocorrect, i was definitely trying to reference that famous coming-of-age book are you there god? it’s me, margaritas

It’s not easy making sure my battery reads 69% at precisely 4:20 each day but I literally have no other skill



me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me







M: *under breath* damn



every student:

Minagawa was 114 years 25 days at the time.

I don’t care if it was Andre 3000 I woulda told him to stfu with the flute

The government runs the Speak Good English Movement to emphasise the point.

I used to go out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes, but then she popped her clogs!

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.






Demon: ... *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

On the seventh day , everyone is exhausted from their work and craves rest.

White House says it is 'notable' that China and Russia echo U.S. allies' concern on North Korea

Somali militants planning attacks disguised as peacekeepers: AU force 

He was born in Seville.

Bill being drafted after concerns that annual human trafficking report was watered down:   

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

The last members of the class were withdrawn in 1991 , and none were preserved.

The 2006 Formula One season was the 57th FIA Formula One World Championship season.

social experiment: if you come across this tweet comment your zodiac sign and whether or not you murdered my father on a brisk April morning in 2003. DO NOT read the replies before you do. i'm tryna see something

Pound tumbles to the centre of Britain's EU battle  

They divorced in 1945 when Bobby was two years old , and he grew up with his mother and older sister , Joan.

Airline battle brews in Gulf as Iran eyes regional hub role  

Facebook launches 'Reactions' worldwide 

How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Attractive.

Teams receive three points for a win and one point for a draw.

Many ADSL implementations also use ATM.

See also the category '.

I hate double standards. If a girl sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut". Yet if a guy does it he's considered a "homosexual"

Scott Kelly reflects after 11 months in space. Watch -   

Haydn took two years to complete the work.





Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Signs of torture on body of Italian student who went missing in Egypt: security officials 



ᵗ𝔴ό ώØŘᵈⓢ

Top Russian MP eyes resumption of flights, tourism with Egypt: agencies 

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

How did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester.

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet? Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

They have brown bark.

U.S. economic growth slows to a 0.7 percent rate in fourth quarter 

Many breeds of horse carry pinto patterns.






Transgender

Going forward marriage will be called merging and you will absorb the other person to become one large meaty orb

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"

Each player can throw the dice once.

Meet the girls in Karachi changing the status quo. These boxers are aiming for international competitions.

I just saw a great documentary earlier about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!

Built in two distinct phases , with two new buildings adjacent to the main Waterhouse building , it is the most significant new development project in the museum 's history.

My son starts school on Monday and is so scared of being picked on. I guess it's my own fault for calling him 'Someoneyourownsize'

My son's impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

I bought a Prince CD today. Cost me £20, but I partied like it was £19:99.







me: oh no *tosses mr t* it’s tee time bitches

Happiness Takes No Account Of Time

I met somebody at work today called William Hill. What are the odds?

The very first thing I’d ever had produced - an episode of Laverne and Shirley - was directed by @MJMcKean and starred, among others, @DavidLLander. (Carrie Fisher was also in that episode.) Only line I recall: “Hello I’m Playboy Squiggy.” HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

What's the difference between Celebrity Big Brother and Big Brother? Nothing.

The best part about dead baby jokes is they ever get old

In pictures: Violence breaks out as Calais migrant shanty is town dismantled:  

That 's what keeps us going.

The production was well received by critics.

I often worry that mankind is going to start world war 3 solely because we enjoy trilogies.

German court starts hearings in bid to ban far-right NPD party 

California wine is wine made in the U.S. state of California.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no egg

A girl just told me I've got a huge ego... I think she means cock.

This would be the first discovery of rings around a moon.

Helsinki has Finland 's largest fair center.

Syrian army threatens to encircle Aleppo as talks falter:  

Jaquino and Marzelline are alone.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.

I can feel my soul leaving my body

Public finances show largest January surplus since 2008, retail sales boom:  

US Defence Secretary says UK needs nuclear weapons for 'outsized' world role 

Afghan teen charged with raping worker at Belgian asylum center 

What's a Scottish football fan's favourite movie? Home Alone.

Zidler then spies the two lovers and tells Satine to end it . Zidler walks away and Satine then faints again , but this time , she is unable to get out of bed until the next morning.





taco bell cashier: dude you can just refill it yourself

As Welcome As Water In One's Shoes

The largest animals generally eat first , while the smaller ones follow a hierarchy.

The name comes from the Greek term gymnos meaning naked.

They say shoe size is directly related to penis size. That makes the fear of clowns even worse

The second bridge , which took eight years to build , was the first in London to carry trams and later one of the first two roads in London to have a bus lane.

Instead of cosmetics, I'm giving my wife PhotoShop.

Scalia funeral quietens U.S. Supreme Court battle

Darwin married twice and had 14 children , including two illegitimate daughters by an employee , and , possibly , at least one further illegitimate daughter.

North Korea faked sub-launched missile test footage: analysis -  

Indian soldier pulled out alive after six days buried in snow 

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren

His first release was on the Frauenarzt-Tape with King Orgasmus One for I Luv Money Records.

WikiLeaks' Assange says to leave Ecuador embassy, accept arrest if loses UN case  

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?".

I'm going to get a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you"

Roses are grey.
Violets are grey.
I'm colorblind.




Me: *packing bag* sorry we have nothing in common









wife: *running from a boulder* I'M DIVORCING YOU



my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice

Oil retreats after rising on hopes of Russia, OPEC cooperation  

For a long time , his first six appearances would stand as the show 's record ; his current tally of eight - the last being in 2008 - fall one short of the record for guest appearances currently held by Germaine Greer and Will Self.



Literally Everybody In The World: Absolutely not

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Money Begets Money

 U.S. medevac helicopter responding to wounded U.S. Special forces has gone down in Afghanistan: NBC

Such bunkers give the defending soldiers better protection than the open trench and also include top protection against aerial attack.









trudeau coughs - okay this one is just badass as hell!!

I've started taking steps to cure my alcoholism. It hasn't worked, I've just got loads of angry window cleaners after me.

Silver-plate gives a clearer , brighter sound than gold and is good for styles of playing that need clarity and projection.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.

The inhabitants primarily live on agriculture.

just watched toy story 2. i’m sorry but i’m having a hard time suspending my disbelief for the outtakes. are these actors or are they playing themselves. i’m sorry. i had some problems with it. and the little tiny boom mic. sorry. i was really on board until this part of the film

This is not correct , Risk simply put is the probability of something happening , rather it good or bad.

The wife and I decided to have a clear-out and have put all our dogging gear on eBay. We havent had any bids yet but theres thirty-four watchers

Hercules says he can't go and the man says he has to because he is Hercules.







ME: *Hugging branch* My name is Andrew and your tone feels condescending.

He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.

Powerball jackpot jumps to $900 million, fueling American fantasies 



ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

A single RAID array may provide some capacity to one server , and some capacity to another.

[Testing loyalty and humor 13 seconds after making a new friend]: PILLLLLLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

as a boy, Hans Christian Andersen used to flirt with girls by telling them he was secretly a faerie changeling and would offer them jobs as dairy maids in the castle he would one day own, and this is the level of confidence I aspire to in my dating life.

If I were Spider-Man, I’d live my life pretty much exactly the same but instead of bending over, I’d use my web to pick stuff up off the ground

Any unexplained changes may be reverted.

Wild Saturday night plans? Well, I’m glad you asked. I want to go out and stay up late with my friends, but I also want to sleep for 10 hours. So what I’m going to do instead is stay up late, completely alone, and make sure that none of my competing priorities win. You???

Wistert was the first of three brothers to play for Michigan . The other two are Al Wistert and Alvin Wistert.

He That Talks Much Errs Much

I’m trying to be exactly like boomer all summer







- bowling 4: soup

Trump raps Merkel over migrants, says U.S. could have good relations with Putin 





ant: i brought 14,000 of my friends is that cool?



wendy’s cashier: I mean...maybe we can deep fry a frosty

Yellen's dilemma: A downturn with no easy response  

What do you cal a fly that has retired? A flew.

Did you hear about the guy who won the anal sex competition? He actually came in the #2 spot.

Why do mermaids wear seashells? They're too big for B-shells and too small for D-shells.

How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred

Call me crazy but “They’re just putting people in concentration camps, it’s not like they’re exterminating them” is not the standard I want my government held to.

Shearer may be best known for his prolific work as a voice actor on The Simpsons.

Daily Mirror publisher to launch new weekday newspaper - Sky News 



seamstress for the baybay...

I'm always one step ahead of my girlfriend. When she dumped me, I told her the bags were already in the car.

What's red, white, blue and green? A seasick Uncle Sam!

Fire hits renovated Paris Ritz weeks before reopening 

Arkansas governor wants Civil War icon separated from MLK holiday 

651 : Last Sassanid ruler Yazdegerd III then fled eastward from one district to another , until at last he was killed by a local miller for his purse at Merv , ending the dynasty.

The hills are alive with the sound of music. They've been chanting in unison for days now. The clouds are growing dark.









INTERVIEWER: Oh my god

South Korean army helicopter crash kills three 

Fate of Florida death row inmates in limbo after U.S. Supreme Court ruling  

French judge views Calais 'jungle' before migrants' appeal:  

I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said "guess"

The back hand is placed face down on the table in front of the player , then the middle hand is placed face down in front of the back hand , and the front hand is placed face down in front of the middle hand . After all the players have set their hands , each player will announce in turn whether or not he is playing his hand.

I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and actually participate in life.

Lol.

A second parameter may be used if only one year is to be displayed.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seats cause kids.

He `` spent three years on A Time to Kill and finished it in 1987.









her: that’s not my name

It's not a real sport until someone ends up wrapped up in a rug and thrown into the sea because of the result

Pro tip: trace the alphabet with your tongue when you're going down on a lady so she knows you can read







That's a Moray 



MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not lose any weight. In fact, he ate a whole cake and went back to bed.

Last night I layed in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself... Where's the roof gone?


me:





porn director: okay cut

He Jests At Scars That Never Felt A Wound

The name ` buckwheat ' or ` beech wheat ' comes from its triangular seeds , which resemble the much larger seeds of the beech nut from the beech tree , and the fact that it is used like wheat.

Iraqi army helicopter crash kills nine: spokesman 

Malaysia halts intake of foreign workers after protests 

Before you wed that lawyer, remember you're about to marry someone who's been professionally trained to argue.

Percy , accompanied by two friends , Annabeth and Grover , have 10 days to find it before the summer solstice.

Hungary's Orban says Russia, Europe need better relations 



ALSO ME: -spends $35 on a claw machine because I moved the stuffed Donkey Kong’s leg up a little last time and I know I can get it this time-

U.N. to discuss Syria humanitarian situation ahead of Munich talks 

my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies

VW CEO says new catalytic converter could fix 430,000 U.S. cars 



me: it's what you say at the end of a sentence so people don't get mad at you lol

My new house has a circular driveway. I can't get out.

Oil slides to lowest since 2003 as Iran sanctions lifted  

A look at the last 24 hours around the world, in   

Lake Ontario is one of the five Great Lakes of North America.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Chickens don't have friends. They only have pen pals.

Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature.

Money Spent On The Brain Is Never Spent In Vain

GE moving headquarters to Boston for tech talent, tax cut  

Thousands of apps running Baidu code collect, leak personal data - research:  

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

confession: i did not get parent permission before going online

What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat underthe other? Bisexual.

John Kerry: People don't fly to Davos to celebrate the status quo. None of you are here for that. 

Colombia stops visits by FARC leaders aimed at briefing fighters on peace talks 

Massive blizzard paralyzes New York and Washington, 19 dead  

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

*steps up to the mic at the city council meeting* Should I call my Ghostbusters porn parody script Nutbusters or Ghostboners?

Six days before the launch , the sculpture suffered the first of three visible structural problems as the tip of one of the spikes detached and fell to the ground.

My sex doll and I have been together for exactly a year today. To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book: Sex tips for Dummies

The county 's main river gives it its name : the Dâmboviţa River.

[Thread] My  boss made a comment today along the line of "I don't get how women can complain about how they get treated when they do shit like this." I turned around and to see what he was talking about, and he was looking at a thumbnail of a profile pic of a woman on LinkedIn.

Sign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

My wife said that I'll find any excuse to drink. Speaking of beer...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Score Twice Before You Cut Once

Asian shares slip as crude resumes drop  

To Draw Water In A Sieve

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.

Is it bad to hate a certain race? Because I absolutely loathe Rainbow Road.







me: what about you?

I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one.

She has spent much of her adult life in the entertainment industry.

2 guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"

U.S. looks to Facebook, private groups to battle online extremism:  

One Law For The Rich, And Another For The Poor

I'm sick of men's 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

I wonder if the ladies at the clubs can hear what the sings are saying about them.

The great Florentine painter Cimabue discovered Giotto drawing pictures of his sheep on a rock.

What?!!

EU clears Dell's purchase of EMC Corp  

To do:cancel fishing trip, practice putting toilet seat down, teach wife how to check browser history------in your dreams, ladies.

South Korea's Park says door not shut on dialogue with North 

What do you call twin policemen? Copies. 

Appetite Comes With Eating

Senegal's president says will stick to seven-year mandate 

She is best known for her first novel Rubyfruit Jungle.

On a Mediterranean rescue with Italian police. Part of the Migrant Machine investigation:  

He also gives an example of an adult that can make mistakes in vision because of how one 's experience suggests that they are seeing one thing , when they are really seeing something else.

I know a guy who's in denial about his addiction to brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time.

Crude down on oversupply after short-covering, cold-spell rally  

All Roads Lead To Rome 

Why should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.

Self Is A Bad Counsellor

Forensic team finds remains in Mexico dump, but no sign of 43 students:  

Detroit's auto industry is changed, but not as Washington planned  

What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes

KETO? Oh, I thought you said Cheeto. Yeah, no, I’m good.

Bluebird K7 is a hydroplane with which Donald Campbell set seven water speed records.







cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you've gotten so big

Why do ghosts enjoy riding in elevators? It raises their spirits.

As it zigzagged from water to land , it became the first storm in recorded history to make landfall in Florida four times.

It has yielded many archaeological discoveries , including one of the first specimens of Homo erectus , dubbed Peking Man , and a fine assemblage of bones of the gigantic hyena Pachycrocuta brevirostris.

British finance minister pushes G20 to warn against Brexit: FT 

Obama, Republican leaders to seek elusive common ground in White House meeting 

How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in its pocket and tickle it's balls.

Houston's crude reality: oil 

New Castle is home to New Castle Fieldhouse , the largest high school gymnasium in the world.

What's the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's asshole? You don't know? Remind me not to give you a letter to mail.

U.S. prisoners leave Iran, arrive in Germany, as Obama hails win for diplomacy:  

Mugabe birthday bash riles critics in drought-hit Zimbabwe 

It has two other little river help one is Thadho and other is Sukhan.

Every day I don’t slip out of the work parking lot at lunchtime to start a new life kills me a little more inside.

Iran's leader calls for parliament that stands up to the West 

Merkel ally threatens legal action over refugee policy 

Macaroons are garbage cookies and yes, we can take this outside.

Obama says will try to block Islamic State from 'digging in' in Libya 

FIFA says executive member Worawi Makudi banned for three months by disciplinary committee

A painter billed me $0 after finishing painting my house. I asked, why $0? He said: "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

My ex? Yea I'd still hit that... with a bus.

But Barry had taken it off him to learn to strum his first chords.

Finally , Odysseus ' men convinced Odysseus that it was time to leave for Ithaca.

What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Only joking, she hasnt opened her presents yet

Gamkrelidze was born in Kutaisi.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Because it is impossible to correct this for each and every userpage every time the top icons are broken , a new template and class were introduced to make it simpler to support the icons.

U.N. envoy voices fears on North Korea-Russia extradition pact 

A Reading Time for 20 minutes every day is designed to help students to cultivate a reading habit.

The name that stuck with him for life , however , was Cowboy.

For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.







Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit



Some poor employee ordered to conduct a survey on customer satisfaction: oh no

By the time it closed , only eight trains stopped at the station each day - four each way.

Canadian who says he fought Islamic State detained in Australia 

For someone like Sarah who is first time to appear and act in a film , she 's good and I 'm proud of her.

Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, but every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.

In the future, only those with excellent Minecraft skills will survive climate change.

As he walks back into the stable a man jumps down upon him , Hercules turns to see it is Iolaus.

Burundi rebels say trained by Rwandan military - U.N. experts  

I rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for accuracy.

The first recorded use of champagne as a color name in English was in 1915.

Her live show Elle McFeast Live is best known for the incident when Chopper Read appeared drunk on her first show on 18 March 1998.

I am the most pleasant person you'll ever meet. Until you wake me.

Volkswagen board hires law firm to advise on emissions scandal liabilities  

There are a lot of hurt feelings and nasty things being said.  But I think we can all agree...my neglected balls are the real victims here.

Another famous delicacy is the `` Cendol '' . Presently , the owner , Munusamy , of `` Cendol Klang '' store , located at the heart of Klang town center , has come a long way to where it is today.

This bird 's name commemorates the American ornithologist George Newbold Lawrence.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair? ShamBoo.

If you have a dog you wanted painted, go talk to Lotty. Or maybe you’re a dog and you want a painting of yourself? Go bark at Lotty.



Right. Yeah. Right.

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is.

Founding members say European Union is in bad shape 

The most common belly to back variants are the German suplex and the back suplex.

There should be a children's song called "if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep".

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle be the last time I knock.

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A re-tail store

See and for examples showing how to cut down to make it do one specific kind of custom search.

India orders universities to display large flags after protests 

If we take another sample of 25 cups , we could easily expect to find values like 250.4 or 251.1 grams.























principal: grandpa's comin

I'd love to be a juggler. But I haven't got the balls.

"Vodka! Whiskey! Tequila!" I call the shots!



my lazy eye: let’s wait until tomorrow

yeah sex is cool but have you ever had horses in the back

 Treasury says Andrew Bailey to become new chief executive of Financial Conduct Authority

Hercules once again comes to the rescue and faces one of his most difficult challenges , and must prove himself as a man as well as a god.

windows down blasting my audiobook

Comment a set up for a joke and I’ll make a punchline

Siddig was born in Sudan and has spent most of his life in England.

Three other Pacific storms , two of which were hurricanes , and three Atlantic storms also had a direct impact on Mexico.

It's May Day, but I don't see any sinking ships.



This would be a lot easier with a car.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.

Why doesn't Santa smoke? It's bad for his elf!

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Did you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through a church? The priest caught him by the organ.

No Great Loss Without Some Small Gain

In recent years , Nidwalden is becoming an increasingly popular place to live and work.

It took 20 days for new trees and vegetation to grow following the storms passing.

Make love not war - or marry and do both.

CORRECTION: Brazil health officials confirm Zika virus was transmitted through a blood transfusions last year, not two.

At least 19 dead in suicide attack in north Cameroon: local officials 

Obama to propose $2.5 billion tax credit for community college investment  

His first published song was `` When You Want 'Em You Can't Get 'Em , When You 've Got 'Em , You Don't Want 'Em . ''

For many Palestinians, Israel settlement work the only option 

In U.S. oil capital Houston, no cheap fuel bonanza for airlines:  

U.S. judge again denies Texas request to bar Syrian refugees 

To Fish In Troubled Waters

you enter my mansion. inside, you find a room labelled "the clown room". you enter inside it to find only a single mirror. you fall to your knees as i cackle maniacally

I sexually identify as “rebel scum”

Vampires can't see themselves in a mirror, so how come their hair is always so perfect?

I hope the guy who wants to make that million dollars so freaking bad makes $999,999.99 then gets hit by a bus. [email protected]

At least 20 dead in siege by suspected Islamists at Burkina Faso hotel  

O mother mine , words from your lips Are like nectar to my ears.

Pope says Donald Trump is  'not Christian,' Trump calls comment 'disgraceful'

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog

me when someone tries to get to know me

What did the leper say to the hooker after sex? "You can keep the tip"

My Doctor gave me something to treat my haemorrhoids. But personally, I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.

A Word Spoken Is Past Recalling

To Plough The Sand


I'll wait.

There the woman holds the man.

African Union to send 200 monitors to Burundi: SAfrican president 

What is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.

Did you hear about the guy who mixed Viagra and laxatives? He didn't know if he was coming or going.

In Northern Ireland, you can buy a former nuclear bunker that was a state secret until 2007:  

To Be Up To The Ears In Love

When I see pics of other dads with #1 dad gear

Pope says Trump 'not Christian' in a sign of global concern  

U.S., Mexican operation targets high-level Sinaloa cartel members 

Put on your crotchless denim panties, babygirl, things are about to get very sexual in the double wide.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.

Weather-weary Indian farmers resort to new cash crop: blood 

The same is true , to a point , of the chemical reactions of life.

Why are some white guys in my industry so silent about the horrific detention centers and ICE raids, but yet were in my DMs about how they have a thing for latinas and have always been a fan of my culture? A fan you say? You should be doing the MOST right now

Pakistani man kills sisters in suspected honor killing 

His time abroad would last three years and cost his father $ 2,604.24.

Islamic State-linked hacker makes first U.S. appearance in federal court  

My new IUD is also a Keurig


Thank you @respektor for a magical night.

U.N. agency wants speedier aircraft threat warnings: sources 

Pasteur 's later work on diseases included work on chicken cholera.

Doing so confirms IQ gains over time.

What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't take her out again

It just doesn't seem right to write your autobiography before your dead.

Rusk was born in Malta , Ohio.

U.N. panel rules in favour of Wikileaks' Assange:  

I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. But she finally said "I don't follow you"

Here is a new poem entitled "Refugees". Please bear with it.

My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.

A sawmill 's basic operation is much like those of hundreds of years ago ; a log enters on one end and dimensional lumber exits on the other end.

Fallaci was born in Florence , Italy.

Moscow confirms Russians detained in Turkey over Islamic State links: RIA  

Met a girl in a bar last night. She said: "Hi I'm Yvette". I said "Hi I'm an Accountant".

The entrance is located on present day Place Denfert-Rochereau.







[kool aid guy breaks thru the wall]

By early 1862 , his marriage was in trouble , and Biddy left to live with a man named James Taylor from Humbug Creek , which flows south from Lake Cowal.

I put my left earphone in and said.. This doesn't feel right.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.

So brave of google to recognize the love between a man and his ball

His original horns recede and are now white in color , erupting in pairs along the length of his head.

What do you call a man who used to be an artist? Drew

A major Canadian piano and organ and reed organ company operated under the name of Woodstock Organ Company for many years of the early twentieth century.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

U.N. rights expert accuses Israel of excessive force against Palestinians 

Turkey denies soldiers entered Syria, says has no such plans:  

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it..

Austria seeks talks with Balkan neighbors after capping migrant flow 

Russia to strengthen military in response to NATO expanding drills: agencies 

The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams

Islamic State member executes his own mother in Syria, monitor group says:  

With victims in audience, Australian cardinal to testify on abuse 

HSBC curbs mortgage offering to Chinese citizens in U.S. 

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.

Breaking News: Pedigree Chum have gone bust! They've called in the retrievers.

a story in three parts



The bad news is I’d already kicked it over the fence before I realised.

If you want my opinion you'll have to ask my wife for it.

Five years on, unrest is testing the 'Arab Spring' model country Tunisia:  

To add another line , go here.

Chinese president urges officials to diligently implement reforms: Xinhua 

Syria's U.S.-backed rebel alliance expanding landing field for non-combat goals: spokesman 





Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

U.S. becoming more careful in YPG ties: Turkey presidential spokesman 

When traffic's bad, I like to do the princess wave out the window. People love it! They honk and cheer and wave their longest finger at me

During his three year tenure , Anton received limited screen time on the show.

Trump gains first endorsement from member of Congress 

 Pentagon to hike spending request to fund Islamic State fight 

I went to the supermarket and said: "I'd like to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it". He replied: "Those are pickled onions."

As of 10/17/08 , Joey is back on the radio after a long absence.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.

I needed a password that was eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

How many oranges grow on the average orange tree? All of them.

You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it

live footage of my life peaking

Watson: Why are you painting the front door yellow? Holmes: A lemon entry my dear Watson!

 Iran's Revolutionary Guard says has released detained U.S. sailors - report

Judgment Day is a professional wrestling pay-per-view event produced every May by professional wrestling promotion World Wrestling Entertainment.

Bomb explosion at police station kills 4 in northern Nigeria 

Turkish PM says no role for 'terrorist groups' in Syria talks 

Who Has Never Tasted Bitter, Knows Not What Is Sweet

A Foul Morn May Turn To A Fair Day

What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist

Litvinenko murder suspect Lugovoy calls UK inquiry accusations 'absurd':  

Pope calls for worldwide ban on death penalty 

Risk rally fades as stocks, oil slip back into the red

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it"

IRS says experiencing computer failure  



MORGAN FREEMAN: But he was, in fact, not done with Twitter.

Greek police start removing migrants from Macedonian border  

Finally , I wish to speak directly to those who came to London today to take life.

The family live in Winchester , Massachusetts.

When I was born, the doctor came  to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled thru

North Korea could be ready to launch missile test by Super Bowl Sunday: U.S. intelligence







me: oh shit she bled out

Can't find the bottom of my shoes. Guess I have some sole searching to do.

Mom you can turn the night light off, I'm in a gang now

If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore.

British aristocrat Lord Lucan declared dead 42 years after he disappeared 

Italy Senate rejects first of two no-confidence votes against Renzi 

The three vessels made a faster trip than the First Fleet , arriving at Port Jackson in the last week of June 1790 , three weeks after Lady Juliana , and one week after the storeship Justinian.

There are also many great parks.

I called up a takeaway and said "do you deliver" They said "No, we do lamb, chicken or fish"







ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

The first recorded use of Maroon as a color name in English was in 1789.

GE to sell India financial services business to Aion, former execs  

You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."

accidentally whispered “dust me daddy” when the waiter offered me black pepper


In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.


me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

I just got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.

Oil traders beware: El Niño may distort U.S. shale output picture:  

nipples are just boob straws

I want this to be said to me before I get out of bed every morning. This is everything I want

Oh I missed part of the title my bad https://twitter.com/hii_nal/status/1132915883830009856 …

If women ruled the world there wouldn't be any wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.

Quasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please". Barman says "Bell's alright?" Quasi says "Mind your own business".

Self care isn't always chocolate & NetFlix. Sometimes, it's getting out of bed & doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease the thing that lives in the attic.

A Storm In A Teacup



CAPRI DAD {pulls one from pocket of calf-length cargo shorts}: here ya go sport

What Must Be, Must Be

The only regret I would have if I died in my sleep was going to bed.

Random thought, I've never seen an Asian woman pregnant.

Advertisment from British Airways:  "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin"

The Devil Lurks Behind The Cross

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

My friend drowned, and at the funeral, we got him flowers in the shape of a life vest. It's what he would have wanted.















the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.

Drake at Raptors parade: ok, here's a little song I just wrote to celebrate the championship, it's called... "Hotline Bling"

Her time with the Goddards would once again prove to be short.

His trademark hit songs include `` Indian Outlaw '' , `` Don't Take the Girl '' , `` I Like It , I Love It '' , `` Something Like That '' , `` It 's Your Love '' , and `` Live Like You Were Dying ''.

I have nothing to apologise for . ''

Russia to deliver S-300 missile systems to Iran in nearest time: RIA 

At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.

isn’t it annoying how stuff always happens

Russia says NATO's planned easward build-up is destabilizing 

Why was Michael Jackson once spotted at K-Mart? He heard child's pants were half off.

Iraqi military advance reconnects Ramadi to key army base 

By definition , there is no possible way for anything in one universe to affect another ; if two `` universes '' could affect one another , they would be part of a single universe.

I'm not saying I'm an ugly cunt, but I fucked a blind girl once who asked for the light off.

South Korea says working with U.S., Japan on 'strong' North Korea sanctions  

Spain arrests man in North African enclave for promoting Islamist militancy 

On her deathbed Sorcha tells Iubdin that he must return to Harrowfield and learn the truth about John and Margery 's son.

Iran says boosting oil exports depends on future demand:  






Ferret: take me home

everything is terrible so i googled "dogs being interviewed" and it helped

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator. 

Three gunmen attack university in northwest Pakistan: local media 

Police shooting shuts down Las Vegas Strip 







                      Born

Me trying to write an actual letter after 20 years of emailing

Uber racked up big international losses during 2014 expansion  

FIFA candidate Salman denies MP's allegations 

A hand axe is a bifacial Stone tool of the Lower and Middle Paleolithic.

What's a pirate's favourite sex position? Up the Arrrrrrse!

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

My mate just showed me his amazing new wind turbine..I was blown away!

Trump: UK lawmakers' debate an 'absurd waste of time':  

Whenever i watch The Titanic I get a sinking feeling.

The album featured Thile 's suite `` The Blind Leaving the Blind '' , as well as other original songs.

Powerful Iraq Shi'ite cleric says PM's position at stake unless he reforms 



Bartender: *slides an entire bowl of maraschino cherries across the bar*

What noise does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.

How do trains eat? They chew-chew.

Some day my prince will come and mow my fucking lawn.

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

First U.S. case of Zika virus contracted in Dallas County, according to health officials.  

Turkish foreign minister says Kurdish YPG seeking to divide Syria 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Automakers, not Silicon Valley, lead in driverless car patents: study 

New Jersey Gov. Christie drops 2016 Republican presidential bid: aide 



ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ

Happy Is He That Is Happy In His Children

Elsewhere a young woman is collecting water , when the ground begins to shake.

Saudi Arabia lists four firms, three Lebanese men for links to Hezbollah: agency 

China party to punish former tycoon for microblog posts 

What: A taunt used by gangsters.

Had a massage today, I came away in a foul mood. They rubbed me up the wrong way.

To Stick To Somebody Like A Leech

In the Central Pacific Hurricane Center 's area of responsibility , three depressions , two tropical storms , and one hurricane formed.

Trump calls for boycott until Apple unlocks shooter's phone 

Hope but also frustration for Iranians after sanctions lifted 

I get a headache thinking past 140 characters.

One faction proclaimed Ali Mahdi Muhammad president , another Mohamed Farrah Aidid.









They're bad experiences.


omelette: thanks dad 

George Orwell died from tuberculosis, a disease since made preventable by a vaccine.

How do you pronounce tomato? Is it tomato or tomato?

After 2002 , Song continued to make guest appearances in American situation comedies such as That 's So Raven and One on One.

Egypt migrant departures stir new concern in Europe  





Me: No.. I didn't..

I just opened up my wireless internet router and well looky here, a bunch of fucking wires

Russia casts doubt on Syria ceasefire deal as army gains ground  

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

Please show your support of dyslexics and TR this.

Embedded systems control many devices in common use today.

Nachos ALWAYS make my teeth sweat.

The times with Christ in these days have been unusually sweet . ''

When a recipe asks for crushed ice, I tell the cubes they'll never amount to anything.

Pleasure Has A Sting In Its Tail

Many other multinational companies like Caterpillar , DuPont , Take Two Interactive , Electronic Arts , INVISTA , Procter & Gamble and Sun Microsystems have their European headquarters in the city.

You know why they call them potato chips? (hint: omit the "c")

The sugar is sold under the Silver Spoon name.

The name of this league later gave its name to the canton of Graubünden.

Just had a mole removed from my penis. It's my own fault for shagging moles.

Today , Hugo 's work continues to stimulate musicians to create new compositions.

My local Balti house has a wardrobe that leads to a magical land. Naania.

Death When It Comes Will Have No Denial

He was one of the greatest contributors to the Great American Songbook.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.

In November 2004 , Geronimo released her second album , Sweet Sixteen , with How Could You Say You Love Me as the first single.

Using the major pentatonic scale is an easy way out of this problem.

i souport publik edekashun.

FYI: Condoms are cheaper than diapers.

The worst thing depression does to you is it takes away your ability to appreciate anything good that exists. I have caring friends, a loving family, the best dog in the world, and a partner I love very much, and my brain doesn't let those facts give me dopamine. Bullshit.






What does some dipshit think?

Who ever says "words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.



KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.

What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child? I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!

Listen to me, 2 weeks of the month I am a bodacious babe with an excellent personality. the next week I'm a million miles an hour AND insane. and on the fourth week I am 100% silent, 100% of the time. As a system it does not work

Frozen sculptures look quite good, icy pose.

I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.

I've just won 10 million on the lottery and decided to buy my local Chinese takeaway called 'Happiness'.

Your move, philosophers.

Adams has won one AMA , and been nominated for three.

The Cobbler's Wife Is The Worst Shod

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.

My husband wants to start going on family camping trips... we’ve had a good run.

 President Obama pledges support to Flint mayor over water disaster


me: *vaginas sword*

Trudeau, Canadian provinces set for tough climate change talks 

Three species live in fresh water rivers.

The album combines the band 's first two EPs : Screaming Life and Fopp.

The lower class of society would go to a place called `` hel '' , similar to life on earth.

Greedy Folk Have Long Arms









INTERVIEWER: Oh my god

The thing that interests me is that children are at the vanguard.

I've just been told that a new belt and a new bag are not great Xmas presents by the wife! Even though her Hoover picks up superbly now..

All Bread Is Not Baked In One Oven




Rich: i want lots of money

Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.

Chitons have a relatively good fossil record , stretching back to the Devonian.

My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.

Today is definitely a three finger day.

Monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Thousands in Japan rally against U.S. base on Okinawa 







me:  *starts undressing*

Haiti interim president appoints prime minister to help organize election 

Faust makes an arrangement with the devil : the devil will do everything that Faust wants while he is here on Earth , and in exchange Faust will serve the devil in Hell.

I gave up sugar earlier this year, but sugar said it will never give up on me.

Nevada Governor Sandoval does not want to be considered for high court: Reid aide

Among other things , they eat Rafflesia fruit.

do any girls in austin texas want to hang out

An old lady at the bank asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

One way to classify jumping is by the manner of foot transfer.

What does a Mexican cut his pizza with? Little Caesars

David Cameron takes PMQs plus statement on EU reform negotiations  

Thoreau 's 1849 essay Civil Disobedience , originally titled `` Resistance to Civil Government '' , the driving idea behind the essay was that of self-reliance , and also how one is in morally good standing as long as one can `` get off another man 's back '' ; so one does not necessarily have to physically fight the government , but one must not support it or have it support one . This essay has had a wide influence on many later practitioners of civil disobedience.

I remember 2015 like it was yesterday.

The human body is basically flavored water

Elvira comes to her window ..

Repco is an Australian engineering company.







me: ʰᵒᵐᵉ ˢᵗᵃᶫᶫᵒᶰᵉ

Hey, girl, are you Toys R Us? Cuz you used to be fun but now you’re just empty inside.

Lawsuit by killer Breivik prompts soul-searching in Norway  

I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.

`` Give me the place to stand , and I shall move the earth . ''

I learned the name Maruzen for the first time through LEMON.

Conciliator Rouhani seeks gains for moderates in Iran polls 

Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily in the morning.

Irony: working for an aluminum company and getting canned.

More than 4,400 U.S. flights were canceled, including virtually all travel into New York City airports

The hash sign has two horizontal lines and two slanted lines , while the sharp sign has two vertical lines and two slanted lines.

When you’re trying to watch tv but she’s already on her second bottle of wine

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.\

Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should win a no bell prize.

BBC culture allowed star to commit sex crimes, but top staff unaware: report 

My wife wanted to be taken out somewhere expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.

In the diagram to the left , the white pawn may capture either the black rook or the black knight.

Household spending sustains UK growth in fourth quarter of 2015 

*opens a six guys next door to a five guys*

Thus a paper clip is a useful accessory in many kinds of mechanical work including computer work : the metal wire can be unfolded with a little force.

Several dual citizens in Iran face espionage charges: official 

They have two sons : Julius Robert Bay Tapert and Judah Miro Tapert , both born in Auckland , New Zealand.



Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut




ME: Not yet Tyler, wait until he asks what it is

I realized wrestling was fake when the undertaker who’s known as “the dead man” had to wear a knee brace

Greece and lenders want to finish review by end-Feb  

Britain examining latest purported Islamic State video 



KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.

i've never fucked Danny Devito but i'm still pretty damn sure i'd let him tear my ass apart you biphobic idiot

My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Syria opposition agrees to two-week truce: statement 

moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with

The officers warn that Billy may cause trouble , but Vere dismisses their fears and expresses his love for the men under his command.

There are many types of door hinges.

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

For the first time in many years , Jason has no fame or reputation to rely on.

It sold a record 2.4 million in its first week of release . An estimated 1.1 million of those sales were attributed to the first day of release , another record.

It's fun to watch early seasons of Sesame Street, back when he was just called Cookie Man. Before the affliction overcame him.

To Strain At A Gnat And Swallow A Camel

Then they come across a forest where live the `` simple thing '' aliens.

Sagwa is the name of a cat in the children 's book Sagwa , the Chinese Siamese Cat by author Amy Tan.

He That Is Full Of Himself Is Very Empty

CEOs, venture backers lose big as LinkedIn, Tableau shares tumble  

Doing Is Better Than Saying

Forecasters initially predicted wind shear from an upper level low would prevent strengthening and cause dissipation within three days.

A new character , Damas , is first introduced here.

What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.



when i see a duck: [tips hat] fine weather we’re having, eh madam?

Dürer may well have worked on some of these , as the work on the project began while he was with Wolgemut.

Why don't black people get sunburned? Because most prisons are indoors.

Its name comes from the Greek word akinos , the name of a small aromatic plant.

Jakarta attack highlights jostle to lead Islamic State in Southeast Asia  

Officials fear stolen radioactive material could be used as a weapon if acquired by ISIS:   

Lu and Lian Hsiang have two children.

Saudi Arabia says suspends $3 billion package to Lebanese army, aid to security forces 

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Why did Star Wars' episodes 1, 2 and 3 come after episodes 4, 5 and 6? Because Head of Planning Yoda was.

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.

My mind is like lightning. Once I have an idea, it's brilliant, extraordinary, and lasts a fraction of a second.

Want a girl to fall in love with you? Use a thesaurus for a replacement of those lane words like cute and beautiful . It's working for me!

What did the rug say to the floor?Don't move, I've got you covered.

It is done by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true , and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true , then so is the next one.

How many ears does Spock have? Three: A right ear A left ear A final frontear. 

U.S. officials, touring missile defense site, voice concern about North Korea  



Toy Story 4: anything can be sentient, the mysteries of consciousness are vast

Three of last four occupiers surrender at Oregon wildlife refuge 

I was walking down the road when I suddenly questioned. Who picks up a guide dog's shit?

In reality , Act Five often ends up cycling back through Acts One through Four.

Airbus chief says Brexit would not help its UK competitiveness:   

U.S. says working with Russia on aid flow, truce in Syria 

As its Valentines Day, the missus has said she'll go on top tonight for a change. I love our bunk beds!

My wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. "Don't let it get you down" I said, "you're bigger than that".

Dot Your I's And Cross Your T's

She earned a Master 's Degree in Fine Arts after three years.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. 
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

A heat pump is a machine or device that moves heat from one location to another location using mechanical work.

I made a kurt eichenwald rap

Many old Syrian American families have lost their linguistic traditions due to the fact that many parents do not teach their children Arabic.

Anti nuclear test agency urges nations to ratify ban 

Give 'Em Enough Rope is the second album by The Clash , released in 1978.

Many Words Hurt More Than Swords



me: there was someone standing near the mailbox so i'll just have to get the mail tomorrow





DV: *reluctantly hands over money* ...You better actually buy jeans with this

Sorry I spent the first five hours of our vacation connecting everything to the wifi.

I love eBay! I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month.

Sometimes it’s not all about the jokes, folks. Sometimes it really IS a serious conversation about ham

Don't Whistle (Halloo) Until You Are Out Of The Wood

A Good Marksman May Miss

 Powerball payout hits $1.5 billion, world's largest ever for a single winner

Hercules begins relating how the fire had vanished from the Earth and that Deianeira 's village needed fire , and how he got the fire back from Hera 's temple.

I was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male male lions shagging. I thought "blimey, have they got no pride?"

Documentaries: Like real movies except with ugly people.

It doesn’t matter what it is. If it glows in the dark, It's automatically cool.

Maggie 's first lines were spoken in `` Good Night '' , the first short to air on The Tracey Ullman Show , after the family falls asleep.

Do you own a piece of the gun industry without knowing it?

Google is shuttering Google Compare: Wall Street Journal  

Colombia's FARC rebels will enter politics, seek alliances: leader 

yeah i been drinking.... drinking baja blast!!! haha



Republican men: no, not like that

'Affluenza' teen back in Texas after being deported from Mexico 

Every Form 1 student has to learn to play at least 1 musical instrument.

How do we know Christ wasn't born in Italy? There are no virgins and they couldn't find three wise men.

I just gave a girl my number in roman numerals. If she can figure it out, she's worth a shot.

It became common to wear white at home and one of gray , solid dark blue , or black on the road.

Oil below $30 fans wipeout fears among U.S. shale survival artists 

Theremin invented another listening device called The Thing.

I dont see the issue over whether prisoners get the right to
Vote or not. Criminals get elected anyway.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid also won numerous British Academy Film Awards , including Best Film , Best Direction , Best Screenplay , Best Cinematography , Best Actor , and Best Actress for Katharine Ross , among others.






                 absolut bangers















me: [taking her hand] and one day [she pulls away as my eyes begin to glow] He will have it

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

Volkswagen to offer generous compensation for U.S. customers: paper 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Good girls Arent good. They just haven't gone bad yet.

One guy asked another: "Have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
His friend replied: "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

Left luggage , also luggage storage or bag storage , is a place where one can temporarily store one 's luggage so as to not have to carry it.

Michigan Uber driver switched cars during deadly shooting rampage 

Threw the washing machine at the missus. Bosch!!

Sucks that we really went with “selfie”

Two sections of Lincoln Park Zoo have been set aside for children . The first is the Pritzker Family Children 's Zoo.







me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]

Colombia's police chief resigns amid male sex ring probe 

I am starting my own bicycle style newspaper route, but instead of newspapers I will throw a goddamn delicious hoagie at your front door every morning.

But in many other cultures , Monday is held to be the first day of the week.

Texas executes man for murder of liquor store clerk 

The wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle Live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant! We're on next Wednesday!

I didn’t win the contest to name a newly discovered group of stars. I got a consolation constellation prize.

The wife complains that I don't take any interest in our children. That's the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school!

Some of Charles 's illegitimate children were born before his marriage.

The lines wouldn't meet until 2003.

Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.

Little Pigeons Can Carry Great Messages

Waiter: Sorry about that guys but we did warn you it gets WILD in here. Anyway my names Rob can I start you with some Ultimate Nachos?

Two years later , she persuaded Keenan to live with his father in Michigan.

Everything else is exactly the same as.





My dog:

One Fire Drives Out Another

We Soon Believe What We Desire

I was in bed with a blind girl and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

Why didn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? Because he was stuffed.



me: [remembering holding one of those vibrating pagers they give you at restaurants] mostly crying

Arab, Kurdish forces to get more support to fight Islamic State: Hollande 

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut ask, it's a secret.

I really hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

In Syrian war, a bigger role for Russian strategists 

TransCanada sues U.S. over Keystone XL pipeline rejection 



plz stop emailing my mom to ask her about my weaknesses. i have none and whatever she tells u is a lie

All fields must be in lowercase.



me: [wearing a shirt that says "i want to suck Danny's Devitoes"] maybe society needs to change

Somalia says bomb caused plane blast 



Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I'm 17

In Aleppo, underground schools face bombardments and burnout 

Their snout morphology is ideally suited for piscivory ; their long , narrow snouts offer very little resistance to water in swiping motions to snap up fish in the water.

I asked 100 women "What shampoo do you use whilst showering?" 98% of them asked me to get out of the shower.

15,000 hunters are registered in the departments , 3,000 to 4,000 of whom hunt in the Dombes , one of the best hunting regions for water birds in France.

Stuff Today And Starve Tomorrow

In The Evening One May Praise The Day

U.S. &amp; India consider joint patrols in South China Sea - U.S. official -  

Islamic State tightens grip on Syrian government road to Aleppo 

What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.

Cliff is eleven years old and the oldest of six children in his family who live in Ballingsford.

Vote for your champion to determine who wins the battle:

"Cold...so cold...getting dark...I'm not..going...to make it. Tell my husband...I love...d hating The Doors. Just...the worst...so awful..."

Many of the largest known primes today are generalized Fermat primes.

Cameron defends Britain's desire for sovereignty before EU summit 



Introducing: The clam chowder popsicle. https://soo.nr/iVEq 

They have a nine-month gestation period , and one or two fawns are born at a time.

Pro-government forces seize camp outside Yemen capital 

I'd put more jokes about sex on here but I don't know much about it. I'm a married man.

In the 1980s , the club had one of the best teams in Spain and Europe , winning two UEFA Cups , five consecutive Spanish championships , one Spanish cup and three Spanish Super Cups.

Filderstadt is located next to the Stuttgart Airport and the new land fair.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.

Did you hear about the terrible accident at Spaghetti Junction? Twelve people were injured, and three pastaway.

Yahoo to shut Argentina and Mexico offices 

I had to pretend to be shocked while watching Black Mirror with my wife, even though when me and the boys used to play Tekken, the loser had to suck the winner's dick.

Fall from grace: Philippines' Pacquiao faces vote boycott for anti-gay comments 

Palestinian teens stab, kill Israeli in West Bank supermarket 

In all albatross species , both parents incubate the egg in stints that last between one day and three weeks.

 Still neck and neck for Trump and Cruz with 41% of precincts in. Rubio close behind  

Banadian goose

The Spy Kids are given gushers filled with cyanide to take in case their mission gets compromised

The wavelet transform is also easy to put into practice using the fast wavelet transform.

State Dept. subpoenaed documents from Clinton Foundation: report  

UK to spray insecticide inside planes from Zika-affected regions:  

There are two other families of pitcher plants , but both contain just one or two carnivorous species.

Utah is a great geographical tourism site.

At least 14 dead as missiles hit hospital and school sheltering refugees in Azaz, Syria, medics and residents say

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your missus will blow your bonus!

To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.

On his homepage , Gerber describes Trotter as an unpleasant character who `` drinks too much , eats like a pig , sleeps until noon , and owes everybody money . ''

??? u flush them and the attendant makes u a new one what kind of backwards bathrooms dont have a coatflush?

Barclays Africa plays down impact of possible parent company exit: 

Indebted: when you use your visa to pay off your MasterCard.

E-void: the use of technology to avoid human contact.

Macy's to cut jobs, shut stores amid weak holiday sales  

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.

Turkey vows 'harsh reaction' as missiles hit Syria town 

The entire United States did not finally come under the influence of time zones until 1905 , when Detroit finally established standard time.

Sorry followers for being gone--Sorry I look so beat up. But, you see, the economy bounced back and I was standing in the way.

What the best cheese to hide a horse with? Mascarpone.

Maryland officer jailed for putting gun to man's head: report 

At least 48 killed in attacks in Iraqi capital, eastern town 

Some annoying guy in the pub was shouting that he couldn't understand how to get outside. Needless to say, they showed him the door!

German soldiers would call out to `` Tommy '' across no man 's land if they wished to speak to a British soldier.

Can you die from sitting on the floor playing with your dog, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you could die from it.

The wings of bats are much thinner than those of birds , so bats can maneuver more quickly and more accurately than birds.

Saudia airlines says bomb threat on Madrid-Riyadh flight is a hoax 



people who say gif wrong: you mean fijjes

He was born in May 1902 into a prominent Karachi family.

The lists are used in rotating order without regard to year ; the first name for a new year is the next name that was not used the previous year.

The Last Straw Breaks The Camel's Back



Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Ottavio , not convinced , determines to keep an eye on his friend.

Just remembered when I was at school one of my friends told me that Hollywood make unrated cuts of all family films and that he saw a version of ET where he kills all the kids and gets a blowjob off the mum. He said he had it on VHS but couldn't show anyone.

The foundations of this early fortress remain.

European shares extend losses, commodities-related stocks weigh:  



Me: why are you ruining my life

First Leicester is the trading name of Leicester Citybus Ltd. , a bus company owned by the First Group.

Why did President Kennedy never get drunk? He wasn't very good at taking shots.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Toyota recalling 2.9 million vehicles globally over seatbelt issue  

It has six rows of black spines and has a pair of long , clubbed spines on the head.







secretary: [bursts into the room] sorry sir but the Grand Canyon is on the phone for his nephew

They were the first extraterrestrial species officially to make first contact with Humans , and later became one of the founding members of the United Federation of Planets.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 years now, stop starting every call we have with that."

On his return home , Airoldi attempted many times to beat the record of Spiridon Louis without ever succeeding.

Everything will be okay.





Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!









Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Canada stops sharing some spy info with allies after breach 

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.

Deja Moo--Feeling like you've heard this Bull Crap before.

As Ellis says , we are to speak Jesus ' words , think his thoughts , and do his deeds.

He is best known for his time spent with Extreme Championship Wrestling and World Wrestling Entertainment where he was a fourteen time Hardcore Champion and a two time ECW Champion.

The European honey bee or western honey bee is a species of honey bee.

They had no children.

Cut the skin around a knuckle, pop the finger out of the joint, and pull out the meat like a crab's leg.


wife lying for me even tho the entire house smells of vitamin E: no no

If the three samples are mostly zero , the transmitted bit was probably a zero , and if three samples are mostly one , the transmitted bit was probably a one.

DNA samples would be required when pet licenses come up for renewal.

Some people (not me) are very moron.

The first and second sneeze warrants a “bless you”. Anything after that gets you an eye roll and “grow up”.

To Call Off The Dogs

Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.

France to recognize Palestinian state if deadlock with Israel not broken 

Islamic State video turns British attention to banned group: 

Where do you find a zebra? 25 letters after A, bra.




terrible at this job

The nucleus of tritium contains one proton and two neutrons , whereas the nucleus of protium contains one proton and no neutrons.

アメリカンジョークが上手なトロピカルカクテル

Whisenhunt 's Cardinals lost the game 27-23.

Martin Luther King Day: A day for all us white people to be embarrassed by our ancestors.



Me: [forgot his name but don’t wanna be rude and ask for it] sup bitch

It was named after Kore , another name for the Greek goddess Persephone.

why dont vampires bite divorced MEN? beccause they have already been drained dry..



me:

Chaplin received three Oscars in his lifetime : one for Best Original Score , one Honorary Award , and one Special Award.

Fed keeps interest rates steady, closely watching global markets:  

I went to the local zoo but all that they had was one small dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

Protests around U.S. support New York officer convicted in shooting: reports  

eating an edible for dinner. might wash it down with a glass of drinkable. after that? a little breathable might be nice but i’m not greedy

A few nights later , the group met again `` just to drop a ton of money , drink too much wine , eat steaks , and commiserate about our failed relationships ''.

He was born in Brooklyn , New York and has lived in Los Angeles , California since he was 2 years old.








7.

[three weird tweets through which I attempt to bring people joy followed by a rt about genocide]

An Ass Loaded With Gold Climbs To The Top Of The Castle

The first recorded use of salmon as a color name in English was in 1776.

Flooding and winds could be worse than Hurricane Sandy: Wildwood, NJ's emergency management coordinator, reports Mary Wisniewski

Did you hear about the elf that got pick-pocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?

Who up and want to tell me their fav pasta shape?

The smallest field has two elements.



if you're in the video reply to this tweet with a screenshot

Every guy gets a crush on his teacher. It's normal. But wasn't Oedipus homeschooled?

Are you an introvert? See those ants in your kitchen? Follow them home, observe their underground fortress, build your own, sneak into peoples kitchens, lick soy sauce off the ground, return to your underground residence —you’re an ant now you don’t have to fucking talk to anyone

U.S. detects activity in North Korea suggesting plans toward space launch

And then J.K. Rowling wrote, "And Harry woke up from his long, long dream"

Freed Washington Post journalist Rezaian headed to U.S. -  

Iran's Guards say U.S. sailors will probably be released: Tasnim  

Most people don’t know this, but the full phrase is actually ‘Live, Laugh, Love, Fire an Enemy into the Sun on a Homemade Rocket’.

Syrian rebels demand U.S. action ahead of peace talks:  

Never Fry A Fish Till It's Caught

Sunny D tastes like the tears of a kid who just wanted real orange juice.



me:

Did I ever post my Alzheimer's joke? I don't remember

Why do you never tease a fat girl with lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.

Mediterranean deaths soar as people-smugglers get crueler: IOM 

Lawyer sees possible parallels in deaths of two Russians in UK exile 

Venezuela top court grants Maduro economic emergency powers, opposition cries foul 



me: *starts and stops at each urinal as i crab walk my way next to him* whats your name

New York at a standstill  

Mega deals announced as Iranian president travels to Italy:  

No drop in asylum seekers reaching Germany, Berlin says 

Two soundtrack albums were released , with the second coming after the first one 's massive success.

It is home to the Big Merino , the world 's largest cement sheep.

Pentagon chief says Turkey could do more in fight against IS 

Duck Hunt was one of the two original pack-in titles for the first release of the game system.

Hurricane David was the first male cyclone name in the Atlantic Basin to be retired.

I have the attention of a goldfish. It's been staring at me for a few minutes now.

He was a man of short stature , thus his name.

Instant Messaging may be done in a Friend-to-friend network , in which each node connects to the friends on the friends list.

What's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis

Apple files arguments in court opposing FBI iPhone request 

By the end of the 19th century , teams began the practice of wearing one of two different uniforms , one when they played in their own baseball stadium and a different one when they played on the road.

Shamlou decides to leave school for good.

Ex-drug executive Shkreli has $40 million trading loss: U.S. -  

The Hawaiian Islands have many craters that were formed by volcanoes. You might say that the islands are full of ash holes.

Chinese investor bidding for Philips lighting division: Bloomberg  

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

She was a breath of fresh air, the first day of all of your summers.

Rousseff campaign chief Santana surrenders to Brazilian police:  

Accidentally took a melatonin with my coffee and this is what the world looks like

She could read and write a little but was much better at needlework and household management , which were considered much more necessary for women.

Mary Rose sat on a nail Mary rose.





Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?

Just been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly shit his pants.

Australian Scott wins Honda Classic by one shot  

From the latter half of the 1980s and into 1990s came Monkey Shines , about a killer helper monkey , Two Evil Eyes , an Edgar Allan Poe adaptation in collaboration with Dario Argento , the Stephen King adaptation The Dark Half and Bruiser , about a man whose face becomes a blank mask.

Harry Potter to appear back in bookstores - not a magical illusion, but a script:  

What do ya call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire? Bernadette

i spilled coffee all over myself in my therapists waiting room which is nice bc it actually saves me my opening line of “i’m not doing so hot”

There's 364 more days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.

It is like a person who can not walk without legs although he has eyes , and who can not see without eyes although he has legs.

There are four flamingo species in the Americas and two species in the Old World.

Why do so many people on Facebook take pictures of their mirrors?

Oh jeez, it happened. You guys wanna meet up for a bite first, or just, like, get it over with and eat after?

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Foundation is a foundation for children with and without disabilities.

The novelist Matteo Bandello observed Leonardo at work and wrote that some days he would paint from dawn till dusk without stopping to eat , and then not paint for three or four days at a time.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Will continue in the next couple of days

Sandy has starred in many theatrical productions , including the one man show Full Committed , in which he played 40 characters.

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

Bank of England to head back to the sidelines as global growth slows  

I met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, Dozen tit?









Me: Is this really how you wanna find out you were adopted?

I hate when I forget to not remember

However , he admits that like many models of the origin of life , his own also has its shortcomings.

Man jumps in a taxi says "King Arthur's Close". Taxi driver says "Don't worry I'll lose him at the lights".




Melting cheese into a tasty queso sludge

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy

Keep death off the roads.  Drive on the pavement.

Instruction can take place in Afrikaans as well.



me: have you seen megamind

Parmesan bonds replace bank loans in Italy

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

I was gonna do nothing today, but then I realized I hadn't finished doing it yesterday.

The empty string is still a string upon which string operations may be attempted.

The new term sometimes used is DVDP.

How do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, and he's still trying to leave your driveway.


than are dreamt of in your philosophy. You goofknocker, you chode, you absolute clod

fuck the glorification of skinniness for women. being strong is so much more fun. I’m tryna gain 10 lbs and get fucken ripped. I wanna squat more than my male friends. I wanna punch a bear and live

Jakarta attack highlights jostle to lead Islamic State in SE Asia 

I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup

To Love Somebody (Something) As The Devil Loves Holy Water

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. Last year they consumed 72,400 bananas and only 4 monkeys.

She-Ra is short for sheared rabbit

Under fire by investors, Yahoo takes steps for possible sale

Yo mama is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth.

Polish president Duda says Russia fomenting new Cold War 

Doctor: "The best thing you can do is give up drinking and smoking and eat healthy foods." 
Patient: "What's the second best thing?"

ME:(storming the beaches of Normandy) Did anyone bring sun block?





Calorie counting app [holding a knife]: Don't you freaking lie to me

The Boohbahs do not speak , but instead make noises like squeaks , squeals , and clicks.

This has to be stopped. It cannot be allowed to continue. It is barbaric cruelty. Senseless torture. No animal should ever go through that much pain and suffering for the delectation of human beings. This must not be allowed to continue. Please spread the word. Please help.

Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.

China urges United States, North Korea to hold direct talks:  





2. The underwear implies covering up a dick. Why does Machop grow a dick

One way of visualizing optical depth is to think of a fog.








animal husbandry

Yo mama is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.





me: [having a panic attack] can't i just text them instead

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say about the baritone? It's not a tuba.

My dog just chased some kid on a bike, I had no idea my dog could even ride a bike.

Top U.S. economy forecaster holds steely confidence in job market: Reuters poll -  



Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Brooklyn company flooded with orders for Bernie Sanders action figure



[Hurried scrolling]

What is Michael Jackson's favorite note? F minor. 

Syrian Observatory says 38 killed in U.S.-led strikes in Hasaka over 48 hours 

What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking

Did you ever noticed the word 'bed' actually looks like one?

Merkel says implementation of EU-Turkey deal 'urgent' 

U.N. Security Council creates mission to verify Colombia peace deal 

The prosecution indicated it would not appeal.

As the home of the sauna , Finnish sauna culture is well established , there are built-in-sauna in almost every house in Finland.

Lisa , upon seeing what Homer must go through to pay for the pony , decides to give it away.

Jordan needs international help over refugee crisis: King Abdullah 

My pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

Mill argues that society should never use coercion to subdue an individual as long as he or she does not harm others.

One edition of his correspondence fills three volumes.

Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy.

 U.S. indexes pare earlier losses, Dow Jones and S&amp;P 500 close down more than 1.5 percent, Nasdaq sheds more than 2 percent

Poland unlikely to send troops to fight Islamic State: report 

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the police, sir." "You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit." "We know, sir, the phone booth has glass sides."

Someone who makes bows is known as a bowyer , and one who makes arrows is a fletcher.

Traces of gold were discovered in 1851 and lead and silver mines also flourished briefly.







Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

I have Tool window stickers older than you.

Car bomb at Yemeni presidential palace in Aden kills seven: officials 

In climate it is similar to the neighbouring Burgenland wine region in Austria , and several winemakers make wine in both countries.

Santa has the right idea.. Visit people once a year.

The first school was established in 1857.

Many A Good Cow Has A Bad Calf

When my friend starts in with "oh hey did I tell you-" right during the best part of the movie





herman melville: it's now moby dick and if i hear one more word it will be moby cock

It is a tributary of the Connecticut River , which flows to Long Island Sound.

UK energy watchdog starts probe of E.ON-Age UK partnership 

Many teenagers find their first employment in grocery stores.



*endless screaming*

Fair Without, Foul (False) Within

Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*

Marquette has two sister cities.

He never married , although his two daughters by Sarah Danby were born in 1801 and 1811.

Twitter pokes fun at North Korea's H-bomb claim:  

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Pound for pound I'm the best fighter in this Yankee Candle shop.

Lunch food varies . In some places , one eats similar things both at lunch and at supper - a hot meal , sometimes with more than one course.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

The elements are rotated every two years while a yin and yang association alternates every year.

The region has much reddish sandstone , which may have given rise to the name `` Edom ''.

Central Africans head to polls to vote for peace 

China cites concerns on U.S. missile defense system in South Korea 

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 last month, which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

I’m not trying to seduce you.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.

two men drinking increasingly bitter IPAs to outdo one another until one eventually dies

Nepal's crisis drags on as ethnic minorities reject charter amendment 

For examples see.

Baseball's Zimmerman, Howard sue Al Jazeera over doping report 

He was well-known for providing an education to the children under his care , to the point where he was accused of raising the poor above their natural station in life.

We are halfway through 2019, and I’ve still not the faintest idea what a “yeet” is.

U.S.-led coalition sees fewer fighters, lower pay in Islamic State 

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

In 1923 , Tailleferre began to spend a great deal of time with Maurice Ravel at his home in Monfort-L'Amaury.

The Milky Way and the Andromeda Galaxy are the two brightest galaxies within the group ; many of the other member galaxies are dwarf companions of these two galaxies.

Apple European headquarters evacuated over security alert 

The best person for the job is the one who understands it well enough not to want it.






yeah

Pocket Man married Organic Lass in the first LNH wedding.

A sandwhich walks into a bar and the bartender says sorry buddy white breads only.

for every big studio tweet you do, you get 3 or 4 little arthouse ones for you.....

Hopped on the bus this morning, people were looking at me funny, so I decided to get in and sit down.

This is a tweet about an article about a bunch of tweets.

warning: if you piss me off, i will walk quietly through a field of wildflowers

Thousands of people are protesting in Moldova after new PM is hastily sworn in at midnight:  

Charity Begins At Home

New York was managed by Miller Huggins.

Consecutive holidays refers to holidays that occur in a group without working days in between.

hy was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor.

Trains run every 10 minutes to Woolwich Arsenal.

Little is known for certain of Josquin 's early life.

I wont jump in front of a bullet for anyone. Because if I have time to jump in front, you have time to move.

He That Comes First To The Hill May Sit Where He Will



[still very skeptical but impressed none the less]

Oh you're upset about a thing? Well, would you be mad if the situation were different in a way I designed in my head just for this argument?

School shooting reported in Saskatchewan, Canada: CBC 

What do you call an angry German? A sour kraut.

The Báb was 30 years old.

Malaysia says Islamic State threat "very real" as video warns of attacks 

U.S. urges China's Xi to extend non-militarization pledge to all of South China Sea 

Dr. Katie Bouman developed the algorithm that captured the first image of a black hole. Meanwhile, I just choked on my own saliva.

Cruz beats Trump in Iowa Caucus and Clinton still holds slim lead over Sanders. The latest:  

A guy walks into a bar and says "ow"

Britain's BT suffers widespread network problems 

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

They sit facing one another , with the student copying the master.

White Stone is a town in Lancaster County , Virginia , United States.

Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. 

I know I tweet about Pokémon blue a lot but remember this bitch who was willing to tell some strange child who just walked into her home that her daughter is self centered without being prompted

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Gimlet had a talent show, this is my talent

The old building was largely destroyed by fire in February of 1939.

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.

When I get home late from the pub.I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.

It's No Use Pumping A Dry Well

Most Americans support Obama's contested immigration plan: Reuters/Ipsos  

Twitter user growth stalls in fourth quarter 

Oregon occupation leader rejects sheriff's bid to end standoff 

When i grow older, I want to be a couple with my wife.. Not a couple of parents.

When does 1+1=3? When you don't use a condom.

Spanish royals knew my business, princess's husband tells court 

Never have a tactical wank before sex! Trust me, I learned that the soft way.

U.N. praises Somalia deal on model for electoral process 

An alternative but related hypothesis , proposed to explain the presence of life on Earth so soon after the planet had cooled down , with apparently very little time for prebiotic evolution , is that life formed first on early Mars.

In early 1988 , Balukas gave in to complaints from the men upon her entry to a Chicago based tournament that it wasn't fair she should have the opportunity to play in both divisions when the men only had the opportunity to play in one , and withdrew from the men 's side.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

Britain's pro-EU campaign predicts big victory in vote 

If it's till death do us part, we are all single in heaven right?

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point

A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. 'Just lost a shoe?' she asked. He answered, 'Nope, just found one'.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

Yes 

His habilitation work was entitled.

My wife has left me, she says I love football more than I love her. I'm gutted, we've been together ten seasons!

SpaceX postpones Falcon rocket launch for second  day:  

I hate being bipolar. It is awesome.

UK construction growth at ten-month low, housebuilding weak:  

Whiteboards are remarkable...

I hate Lay's for selling me air in a bag with a little bit of chips.

 I....had....the time of my life, till that cliff nearly took my wife

Why did the guy have Ben Franklin tattooed on his penis? His girlfriend was great at blowing 100 bucks.





ME: got it thank you

me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses

Portals are also largely inter-accessible with users able to navigate from one portal to another.

My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I gave her the superglue instead. She's not talking to me now.

He that shall be found guilty of taking up any Unlawful Weapon on Board the Privateer or any other prize by us taken , so as to Strike or Abuse one another in any regard , shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall see fit.

The name comes from `` West men '' , referring to the people west of Uppland , the core province of early Sweden.

Apple shares drop below $100 for first time since August:  $AAPL 

A suicide bomber says to his apprentice: "Watch carefully I can only do this once!"





Meet my neighbor.







ROSS DROSS FOR LOSS

All but two of Clancy 's novels feature Jack Ryan or John Clark.

Wall Street has room to bounce back despite the testing start to the year:  

In his youth , Hugo resolved to be `` Chateaubriand or nothing , '' and his life would come to parallel that of his predecessor in many ways.

Frenchman Jean-Claude Killy won three gold medals in all the alpine skiing events.

This situation may be likened to two people who are drawing diagrams , with only one pencil and one ruler between them.





murderer: not like toward me tho

That side included Stone Cold , a man Angle claimed knew how to win.

He was one of the first Patriots to advocate complete independence from Britain.

I took one second of video every day for the month of May. Here they all are.

Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

People who review things for a living eventually run out of adjectives and have to start saying shit like "it has no soul" about a bowl of noodles or whatever.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

As Plain As Two And Two Make Four

I didn't like the food on my flight home. It was too plane.

as a boy, Hans Christian Andersen used to flirt with girls by telling them he was secretly a faerie changeling and would offer them jobs as dairy maids in the castle he would one day own, and this is the level of confidence I aspire to in my dating life.

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

The name comes from French , meaning Big Island.




ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

U.S. jobless claims fall back to near cycle lows:  

He was followed by Crates of Thebes who gave away a large fortune so he could live a life of Cynic poverty in Athens.







*saves to drafts*

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'

Death toll in Baghdad twin suicide bombing rises to 70 - sources  

Ninety percent of deep-sea marine life are estimated to produce bioluminescence in one form or another.

Pressure grows on Hillary Clinton to release Goldman Sachs speeches  







Pee

IAEA says Iraq informed it of theft of radiography device in Iraq:  

To that end the Academy publishes two dictionaries.

The water hemisphere , sometimes capitalized as the Water Hemisphere , is the hemisphere on the Earth containing the largest area of water.

If I were a plane, I would simply refuse to crash

Insight: Electric vehicle sales fall far short of Obama goal 

we went to get pizza tonight and she was telling me how they use fresh mozzarella, and she sounded like an absolute insane person while saying “mozzarella.” You know what I’m talking about.









Hell’s Gatekeeper: that, that right there, that’s why

My friend came and asked me why I had two quarters in my ear. I said," I'm listening to 50 cent"





unless i'm mistaken, it would seem that i'm outside

Ally of Ukrainian president accused of meddling in prosecution 

Former Oklahoma policeman sentenced to 263 years for raping four women:  

My doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said "Define active, there are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries"

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

UK prompt prices edge higher on heating demand 

Having a little talk with the cats about inviting friends over without talking to me first.

It is sometimes assertive toward other birds and may chase birds from feeders or other food sources , although this occurs much less often than it is blamed for.

Every Dark Cloud Has A Silver Lining

It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

The name is short for Shenjiang Xinbao , Shenjiang being a short form of Chunsheng jiang , the old name for the Huangpu River.

I just told my friend that I am going to be a comedian--he laughed at me. I'm off to a good start!

For example , a shop might give away its stock in its promotion , but producing these goods would still have required the use of scarce resources , so this would not be a free good in an economic sense.

good morning i am having a 8:30 am sunday panic about being financially unstable for the rest of my life how are we all doing

As soon as I finish wiping is when my bowels choose to RELEASE THE KRACKEN

Direct current may be made into alternating current with an inverter or a motor-generator set.

At least 40 killed in attack on police training center in Libya's Zliten: mayor 

The first recorded use of beige as a color name in English was in 1887.

Because `` Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire '' was considered a separate special , The Simpsons was nominated twice in the Animated Program category . This episode lost to fellow Simpsons episode `` Life on the Fast Lane ''.

In early 2007 , the band supported My Chemical Romance as openers on the first half of their arena tour.

Necessity Knows No Law



prison guard: no talking after lights out

Did Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.

Born in New York City , Hilton is the oldest of four children of Richard and Kathy Hilton.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Cause he neverlands haah

Buxton is home to Poole 's Cavern , an extensive limestone cavern open to the public , and St Ann 's Well , fed by the geothermal spring bottled and sold internationally by Buxton Mineral Water Company.

I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

Three Southampton trams have survived.

The three men set off for the village.

Low U.S. jobless claims underscore labor market strength 


Me *scrolling twitter*: Yeah, same.

Why don't they have gambling in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.

That moment where you're trying to work but a bunch of YouTube videos keep popping up.

Twinkle twinkle little slut, close your legs you filthy mutt.

A Hard Nut To Crack

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Arrest warrant issued for Taiwan developer after deadly quake  

Looks like its time for me, Fats Gordo, to fix this whole mess with Iran

U.S.-led coalition needs to take back Mosul and Raqqa: Carter 

Most date from the early Neolithic period.

A public toilet may or may not cost money to use ; for those that do , see `` pay toilet ''.

NYC Marathon organizers are sued over lottery to enter race:  

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then I will mutate into my true form and unleash a pain upon this world the like of which has never been seen.

What do you call a cow with only three legs? Lean beef.

I have a photographic memory, it's just out of film.

A square is defined by the name of piece or empty parameter.

 U.S. considers ending program that lures Cuban doctors to defect  

I’m an optimistic pessimist… I look forward to the worst.







Me: Amy what's that pasta sauce I like?

Meta-imposter syndrome: When you know a lot of people have imposter syndrome, but you've witnessed how competent they are. So they're not like you, the real imposter.

The 1990 Formula One season was the 41st season of FIA Formula One motor racing.

Whispering is chic. Do you have a secret? A juicy bit of gossip? Have you been ill with a shattering disease and are only just recovering? Or are you under the spell of a witch, cursed to speak in muted susurration forevermore? Whisper and thrill the world.

i'm tired of the phrase "too bad" so from now on I'm saying "that's cactuses" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses

Mowgli begins to run and Baloo pushes Shere Khan away . Mowgli and Shanti run up a staircase , soon being followed by Shere Khan after Baloo tries to stop him again and soon run into a crater and jump across and land on a tiger head statue.



my kids: it’s 3 o’clock can we have breakfast



me: no





Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

They’re best friends!

A Fool Always Rushes To The Fore

Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Not Top Gun yet: China struggles with warplane engine technology  

Damage to marine life was moderate as the storm increased the turbidity and lowered the oxygen level in the water , threatening many fish and other marine wildlife.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Mortar bombs from Syria land near Turkish soldiers clearing mines 

Three days later on SmackDown , Undertaker accepted Orton 's challenge.

Tin Machine released two studio albums and a live record.

The two went their separate ways in 1937 , one year before Johnson 's death.

Greece pledges to speed up delivery of migrant 'hotspot' centers 

At the high photon energies comparable to the electron rest energy of 511 keV , Compton scattering , another process , may take place , and above twice this pair production may take place.

Tork is screwed up.

Bees are one of the few insects regularly used on advertisements , being used to illustrate honey and foods made with honey.

FIFA says Thailand's Makudi banned for three months:  

HSBC drops plan for 2016 pay freeze:  

U.S. and India are considering joint patrols in South China Sea - U.S. official.  

He continued to work in an apparent trance state with a hypnotist all his life.

The wife is cleaning out the cupboards, dirty, filthy and covered in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids!

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

like yeah I would say I’m glad I have skin but at the same time I’m pretty fed up with the amount of maintenance required

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Considered one of the best in the country , the Linha Turismo is available every thirty minutes and has a two and a half-hour tour , which travels around forty-four kilometers.

Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*

Brilliant. 

I got slapped at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters









- tell a lie and hurt you

Heatley managed just one point.

By early the next day , a surface low developed and the wave became better organized.

I work in McDonald's and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink. Just ice was served.

What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

A few beetle genera also possess ocelli , which are small , simple eyes usually situated farther back on the head.









Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Red doors mark out asylum seekers' houses in English town: report 



CLIMATE CHANGE: Oh yeah? Watch me get these refugees fleeing.

You're everything I never wanted.

Why are gay men so great at fashion? They've spent so much time in the closet.

Mexico speeding efforts to ensure 'Chapo' extradited: president 

Israeli soldiers kill two Palestinians, one an alleged stabber 

sorry i haven’t been funny lately i’ve been uhhhhhh *checks crumpled up notes* really fucking depressed

Sometimes I use big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.

I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.

South Africa's finance minister Gordhan says unable to meet deadline to answer police questions 

`` If he had been out there a minute longer , I think somebody would have shot him , '' said one witness.

Even though I've been married for five years I still can't help thinking about the one that got away. My wife's ex. What a lucky bastard.

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and laughed. Then I remembered that my wife and I have different dentists.

'The Revenant' and 'The Martian' take top Golden Globes  

In general , men suffer from many of the same illnesses as women.

New round of Kabul meetings hope to set date for Afghan peace talks 

Another legend involving Ryūjin is the story about how the jellyfish lost its bones.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

His best known book , Being and Time , is considered to be one of the most important philosophical works of the 20th century.

`` We felt that this was the only way to give Lost a proper creative conclusion , '' McPherson said.

Portions of words may be contracted , and many rules govern this process.

What do you call a woman stretched across a tennis court? Annette

My landlord said "Your obsession with cats is out of control and I can't handle it anymore!" I cried "What... You're kicking Meeeeowt?"

Celebrity Big Brother

I just spent half hour grilling some chicken..but it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!

Mark regretted bargain shopping for a hand surgeon but he knew he would get used to it eventually.


[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha

Chatmon was born in Bolton , Mississippi.

He in turn appointed the ministers.

"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What do you call a Mexican that lost his vehicle? Carlos

I was abducted by a UFO, and while a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, I will say I'm the 1st human in the 36 billion billion mile high club.

Antonín Klimek was Czech historian whose work focused mainly on history of Czechoslovakian First Republic.

Double bomb attack kills 22 in Homs - state TV:  

Official estimates as many as 40 dead - 19 confirmed - after militants go on a rampage at a Pakistani university 

Humpty Dumpty died a crack head.

Zeeshan and Zishan are different words.

The winner would earn a contract to challenge for any of the three WWE World Championships at any time and any place over a one-year period.

What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift!

Sweet Children is the third EP released by punk rock band Green Day.

Surge of Americans tests limits of Cuba's tourism industry  

Benson was born in Birmingham , Alabama.

Twelve migrants drown as boat sinks off Greek island 

“alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression.








Bwaaa dada da da dooo

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.






In the bleak December

Samarkand has been one of the main centres of Persian civilization from its early days.

While there have been many theological disputes over the nature of Jesus over the first centuries of Christian history , Christians generally believe that Jesus is God incarnate and `` true God and true man ''.

In early 1930s , one of first games of the NCAA was played in the 31st Infantry Quonset Gym.

Being sick can really affect your grades in school. The kid my son cheats off of was out all last week.



ME: *ushering a row of ducklings into the street* positive

I say 'Pika' every time before I sneeze.

South African opposition asks court to rule on Zuma's home upgrade 

Kofi Annan shares his thoughts on the possibility of a Donald Trump presidency with Stephen Jadler 

The name mithril comes from two words in Sindarin - mith , meaning `` gray '' , and ril meaning `` glitter ''.

Look Before You Leap, But Having Leapt Never Look Back

What are David Cameron's main battles in Brussels? Find out -   

How do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.

If you snooze, you lose

Bennington was born in Phoenix , Arizona.

I got offered a 42 inch TV for £25, the only problem is that the volume button doesn't work. For that price though, you can't turn it down.



reply with a joke setup and i'll do the punchline.

Kenya holds trucks carrying food aid into Somalia on militant fears 

In the wild , kookaburras are known to eat babies of other birds and snakes , and insects and small reptiles and even other small birds , such as finches if they are lucky enough to catch them.

I felt like I was on the voice today! I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.

A Good Jack Makes A Good Jill

Why did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: Are you two an item?

What's the difference between the lavatory and the cemetery? No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.

Will absolutely completely refuse to watch anything if I know an animal dies or suffers in it and this includes made up monsters. They got my heart.

might hang out and cause a scandal in the 1930s by wearing trousers and refusing to marry and flying my own plane and going undercover as a burlesque dancer to catch a murderer.

I am extremely brave until seaweed brushes my foot in the ocean in which case I am someone who can levitate above the water using the power of terror alone.

Argentina judge releases ex-football official in FIFA probe  

NYPD searching for the last of five suspects in Brooklyn playground rape:  

When I went to the urologist he said I had to go.

They have two sonsMilo Arthur and Theodore Apollo and two daughtersLara Lettice and Cassia Peaches.



Date: Wow your knee is huge

I got a letter from Africa. I didn't open it...certified blackmail.

What do you call it when a girl wipes back to front? A Choco-Taco



It seems by some miracle I’ve managed to make it to 3000k followers. So drop you’re favorite tweet from somebody under 1k for guaranteed likes and RTs and loving and all that good stuff!

What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls? NHL Players shower after three periods.

If any time we shall meet another Marooner that Man shall sign his Articles without the Consent of our Company , shall suffer such Punishment as the Captain and Company shall think fit.

Ever had sex while camping? It's intents.

GD

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It's a timeline, not a deposition

I hope baby oil doesn't come from where it says it does..

Do you know what all kind of imported port-a-potties should be called? EUROPEAN.

Justice Department sues Ferguson over police reforms:  

Investigator asks U.N. to notify North Korea's Kim of probe for crimes against humanity 











Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ

Should Jack be considered a number?



Jung: *unconscious*



F -



Now we wait.

I’m on a fad diet. I only eat fads.

This President needs to be impeached.

Just bought an amazing stereo that's made of cake. It's a gateaux blaster.

My front door was cheap. Made of foam. You can't knock it!

Garfield and Odie are married and they fuck, jon arbuckle is their kid

This is a list of children of U.S. Presidents , including stepchildren , adopted children , and alleged illegitimate children.

 Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I'm pigment."

Hezbollah signals no end to Saudi crisis; central bank reassures on currency 






WIFE: i’ve been meaning to talk to you about that time you did that thing

Ben Hall was born on 9 May 1837 , in Wallis Plains , in the Hunter Valley of New South Wales.

It is one of the New Seven Wonders of the world , and one of three World Heritage Sites in Agra.





ME: Yeah I guess I’m pretty good at polishing my brother’s bowling trophies

Quirky design museum seeks greater respect for India's Dharavi slum 

Some species produce neurotoxins , which in such quantities kill fish and accumulate in filter feeders such as shellfish , which in turn may pass them on to people who eat them.

Czech ministry allows extradition of Ivory Coast national to U.S. 

who made this

SM Entertainment announced that Shinee would make their comeback with their second mini album Romeo on May 21 , 2009.

UK considers allowing Iranian banks to resume business in London:  

I'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails. I wish they'd just leave me a loan.

Christians , through faith in the working of God are spiritually resurrected with Jesus so that they may walk in a new way of life.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.




*under his breath* holy shit he's good

New Jersey takes sports betting argument to full appeals court 

When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die

Each country contains 2 switch groups : one for acronyms , another for non-acronyms.

Valentine's Day: the reason so many people are born in November.

Yo mama is so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her.

More than $1 billion was transferred into Malaysia PM's accounts: WSJ  

The date is usually put somewhere in the early 11th century in all three Scandinavian countries.

We have the classic Ash responses and things like that . ''

Living in filth, Greece's migrants battle hunger and cold:  

Peegret: Regretting not using the bathroom shortly after you leave a facility in which you were able to do so.

What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.



After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Last night I punched my mates lights out..and got electrocuted.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?





This isn’t even a joke

Afghanistan needs long-term U.S. commitment: General Campbell 

Dark Horse 's film arm , Dark Horse Entertainment , produces films and TV shows based on Dark Horse Comics.

The recipient may remove this template from his/her talk page at any time.

To all those friends I bought a book for this Christmas, just a reminder they're due back at the library next tuesday!

I don't know who needs to hear this, but [unintelligible, bloodcurdling screaming]

A set may be neither closed nor open , either closed or open , or both.

Nothing like a New York afternoon with @MattTheBrand.

After Guccio 's death in 1953 , Aldo helped lead the company to a position of International prominence , opening the company 's first boutique in New York.

two women are aggressively telling each other how good they look at the entrance to this hotel and i feel like they are about to fight each other over who has aged most gracefully and i am here for it

Just met a charming transvestite from the Manchester area. He had a Wigan address.

Lebanon speaker says Christian tie-up not enough to secure presidency: paper 

Handsome Is That Handsome Does

He was rated in the top 10 Formula One drivers of all time by longtime Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

As soon as women see me, they immediately in shape to impress me. They start running.

Our old sofa felt terrible.. but now it's fully recovered.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.

The least we can do. (And if you rack up enough “leasts”, you level up to the LESS we can do - and from there to the actual amount we can do to protect human rights! p sweet deal imho) #AbortionIsHealthcare

A herd may also refer to one that tends and cares for such groups.

A headache is just your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Four oil tanks now on fire at Libyan ports after clashes:  

Others believe that the hierarchical classification may not serve much purpose.

Since Adam Was A Boy

Ocean pollution is a huge problem but there is an obvious solution. Raccoons love to eat garbage. Therefore, if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea & eat the ocean garbage. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. We should also give them swords.

She also started her own company , Make Music , during this sabbatical.

Israeli police briefly detain Washington Post bureau chief in Jerusalem 

Head Cook And Bottle-Washer





donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

What's a skeletons favourite shop? The Body Shop.

Afterward , both men fought to a no-contest in a Falls Count Anywhere match.

The team first out of the hat in each tie plays the first leg of their tie at home , and the second leg away.

Heat periods occur about every two weeks and last about 4 to 7 days.

Say "poo" and your mouth does the same motion as your anus. The exact same can be said for "violent explosive diarrhoea"

Built of brick and wood , it had two stories with a three story tower.

 New York Giants Coach Tom Coughlin stepping down after 12 years with team.

How Planned Parenthood's accusers became the accused in Texas case  

 First case reported of Zika virus transmission in the U.S. in Dallas County, Texas - local media 

*dips antidepressant in ranch dressing*

With the number of inside jokes I'm writing you'd think I was Carl.

Superimposition of two correlated layers comprising parallel lines or curves may give rise line moiré patterns.

Northern Ireland murder case over 1998 Omagh bombing collapses 

I genuinely hope DETECTIVE PIKACHU is the most financially successful movie ever made, and it creates a domino effect of writers and creators completely ceasing to give a fuck about whether something is a good idea or not

My girlfriend from Thailand said having a small dick is no problem. I really like her, but I think I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.

When you laugh along to your friends roasting you

Two sections of Lincoln Park Zoo have been set aside for children.







me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes





    .              *      i n  2 0 1 7     *   .

China to lay off 5-6 million workers, earmarks at least $23 bln -  

It is the state fish of Oklahoma.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

It is a long work , similar to Flaubert 's Madame Bovary , one of its influences.

The body turns black shortly after.



Cover of Bad Brains' "Pay To Cum".

Philadelphia man gets up to 30 years prison for collapse that killed six 

The book chronicles events which take place in the fictional space colony of Windhaven.

EBay's disappointing forecast fuels stock decline  

They did not have any children.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.





joe biden: do you want one?

In `` Rise of the Cybermen '' , the Tenth Doctor claims that his TARDIS is the last one in existence although at the time of his saying this , he also thought he was the last Time Lord.

He started on Opening Day of the 1996 season as the starting shortstop and hit his first major-league home run on that day.

 S&amp;P 500 and Dow futures down 1.7 percent, Nasdaq futures down 2 percent

Today is an incredible day for mankind.. for today I will rewrite history. history.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I have cancer."

Obama declares emergency in Michigan over bad water - White House 

Frampton 's international breakthrough album was his live release , Frampton Comes Alive !.

I added drums to that cat playing a drum solo in its sleep.

Kuru lies 50 k north of Tampere.

He got some jobs in Asbury Park , New Jersey , playing at the Hongkong Inn , until a better player took his place.

Cool prank idea: Turn into a snake or bird

Early editions of Silvanus P. Thompson 's Calculus Made Easy use the older term.

I have an old Commodore locked away in the attic. That'll teach the him to dance on my ceiling!

Italy summons the U.S. ambassador after reports the U.S. spied on Berlusconi:  

Dutch push intelligence sharing after missed signals in Paris  

One of the best ways to go about this is to request this on the article 's talk page.

After a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary.It just goes from bad to worse.

Procrastination Is The Thief Of Time







And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™

At that time , the law allowed the elder Dumas to take the child away from his mother.






Just kidding, obviously. I'll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.

I told some newer friends I have social anxiety. They said, “I don’t think you do.” I want to defend myself, but I’m not good at talking in groups

Jury selection to start in second Freddie Gray death trial 

Yes. For several years I'd had the "J" (Will Smith - who was as yet upcast) character be the eyes into the movie. But then when Tommy Lee Jones - who'd just won the Oscar for The Fugitive - was cast (he was the first on board), there became a scramble to make him the "lead."

My friend said I spent too much time in the fantasy world. His words blew me off my dragon.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. #itstrueladies

Israel razes West Bank homes of two Palestinian assailants: army 

Officer to drunk boy : "How high are you?" Drunk Boy: No officer, its "Hi! How are you?"





me: ...with the tofu (tofu)



Internet: here’s an ad for something you thought of 14 seconds ago

One day, my kids will figure out "silly goose" means "fuckin asshole."

reading a washington post article in an incognito window after your free views expire

A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running and said "No don't do it! You'll never hear the bloody end of it"

Did you hear about the Aggies that were arrested in the Iranian zoo? They were trying to free the hostriches.



WENDY'S CASHIER: shut the fuck up no it doesnt. I'm sick of you Twitter weirdos coming in here saying weird shit I dont get paid enough for this you didnt even order. get the hell out.

Does this XXXXL shirt make me look fat?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.

good morning

A lonely girl with a dream - who awakened to find that dream come true.

Italy closes route over Brenner mountain pass to defuse WW2 bomb 

How do you make an octopus laugh? You give it ten tickles.

G4S decides to sell UK Children's Services division 

Iraq says moving troops, preparing offensive to retake Mosul 

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet.

Nunchaku, street fighting and swordplay by a team of youths. Meet the ninjas of Gaza:  

Zeshan is another similar name.

A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender goes "sorry we don't serve food here".

That album quickly surpassed Let 's Go in terms of success.

Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert

She had two sisters.

BREAKING NEWS: Similar to Final Fantasy XV's promotion with Cup Noodle, Final Fantasy VII Remake will have a similar feature where all Materia in the game will be replaced with different @steak_umm products.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house!

My ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey José







Me:

Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon

Now living at their new campsite , Koror 's new home proved terrible when they learned that their camp is infested with rats.

Obama preparing to visit Cuba as soon as March: source 

With canal sabotage, rural protesters vent fury on Indian capital 

My girlfriend left me because she says I only ever think about football. I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.

Obama does victory lap for car industry that looks different from what he hoped 

Gang warfare in El Salvador pushes death rate to record 

EgyptAir mechanic suspected in Russian plane crash - sources 

Iran gives medals for capture of U.S. sailors 

The First Lady has entered the chamber. Keep up with the latest SOTU developments here: 

First Catch Your Hare

James Murdoch returns to Sky as chairman:  

A Front-Cover Text may be at most 5 words , and a Back-Cover Text may be at most 25 words.

Egypt says it will not protect policemen who break the law as tensions mount 

His mother was Jean Ferguson Paterson.

Cologne attacks show Germany unprepared for migration challenge:  

Welch would like to have a career similar to PJ Harvey and Björk who are `` constantly creating new exciting stuff ''.

I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines. They make me jump.

What if a grimace costume was cheaper than a sleeping bag so someone just used it as one

Disproportionate response to jaywalking is a good way of showing criminals that we will mash them if they do crimes. The US doesn’t want to imprison people. You know who doesn’t to be imprisoned even more? The criminals who will receive a 20 year sentence if they jaywalk

Approximately 375 million people speak English as their first language.

Many of the old Inca walls were at first thought to have been lost after the earthquake , but the granite retaining walls of the Qoricancha were exposed , as well as those of other ancient structures throughout the city.

Why dont blind men skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

His String Quintet for two violins , viola and two cellos is also considered a first rate work.

My first piece for the Washington Post. Pretty dang excited. It’s about Joy Division shirts obviously. Please check it out.

As Innocent As A Babe Unborn

The Francis turbine , named for him , is the first modern water turbine.

Russia expects Syria talks to resume by Feb. 25: ambassador to U.N. 

My grandfather had a stroke this week. He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

At those secret meetings they met with `` foure black things , going upright , and yet not like men in the face '' , with whom they ate , danced , and had sex.



Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango

almost done with grading all final projects and exams for 4 classes!  tonight, there will be whiskey.

Knock knock  Who's there?  Britney Spears  Britney Spears who?  Knock knock  ... Who's there?  Oops I did it again.

He is best known as an educator of poor children and an advocate of conscientious objection.

Many alkaloids are toxic to other organisms.

Paddy and Mick are in a plane. Paddy asks "If we do a loop, will we fall out?" "No" replies Mick "We'll still be pals!"

They are the nosiest type of pepper. They are always jalapeño in your business

don't misteak the finger pointing at the moon for the moon

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.So I pushed her over.


Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

9/11 jokes are just plane wrong.

Ocean pollution is a huge problem but there is an obvious solution. Raccoons love to eat garbage. Therefore, if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea & eat the ocean garbage. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. We should also give them swords.

In 1925 , she was awarded a gold medal for one of them in the first Arts Décoratifs ' exhibition.

Why is money green? Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.

Vontobel family affirms commitment to Swiss bank after patriarch's death  

Karn had previously operated an organ and piano manufacturing company under his own name.








that left the lightning scar on his head.

Spread of Zika alarming, 4 million cases a possibility: WHO -  

 Saudi Arabia will cut off all commercial ties with Iran, ban its citizens from traveling to Iran: foreign minister

How do you invite a Native Alaskan to your home? You Eskimover. 

me to the boy my best friend just introduced me to: boy are you jim jones?? because these punchlines are very bad



Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

My local butcher is seven foot tall and a size fourteen shoe.. what does he weigh? Sausages.

Huge quake strikes off Indonesia but tsunami warnings cancelled:  

I have a rock garden.  Last week, three of them died.

The water wheel remained competitive with the steam engine well into the Industrial Revolution.

Carbonated water is a supersaturated solution of carbon dioxide gas in water.

Kerry says can't comment on content of Clinton emails  

I was so sure that I was doing exactly what I 'd been put on this earth to do , and I would have done anything to make it onto that stage.

The 1985 Formula One season was the 36th FIA Formula One World Championship season.

With symbolic handshake at Davos, Cyprus leaders ask elite to back peace:











Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ

An Hour In The Morning Is Worth Two In The Evening

WHO issues $56 million plan to combat Zika virus:  

The Old Norse form of the name was probably Arnardalr.

me and the squad listening to the new @LilNasX on our way to get some wings

Thai authorities arrest four activists over attempted protest 

“We had no food and water. We had to drink our own urine.” Understand migrant lives


arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s

Good Quarters to be given when Craved.

thinking about this legend

How did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.

In autumn , O mother mine , In the full blossomed paddy fields I have seen spread all over sweet smiles.

LSE's Rolet to bow out to ease merger:  

Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below C level

Good Counsel Does No Harm



*applies Banana Boat lotion to preserve and extend my tan*

Final communique on Syria has been agreed, Western diplomatic source says

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked. 

I put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad.



Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

What do you call a run down Italian neighbourhood?The Spaghetto.

He That Fears Every Bush Must Never Go A-Birding

I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

Chinese court upholds life sentence for former Bo Xilai aide 

Jest With An Ass And He Will Flap You In The Face With His Tail

Michael J. Fox accidentally erases everything he draws on an Etch-a-Sketch.

As The Fool Thinks, So The Bell Clinks



guy who doesn't follow me: (angrily posting screenshots of an archive of twitter from two weeks ago) it's ALWAYS a heart you moron

What's the worst part about two black guys going over a cliff in a van? They were my friends.

Why were the Aggies pushing their house down the street? They were trying to jump-start the furnace.

It then goes back to the acoustic section.

Other 3 digit years may be misinterpreted as well , so best practice is to use leading zeros to make a 4 digit year for this date range.



friend: is......is that mayo?

I wonder what this watermelon did to her...

John `` Black '' Caesar is generally regarded as the first bushranger.





judge: [covers mic] what do I do

In North America they make massive southward migrations starting in August until the first frost.

The administration of Ovando in Hispaniola was one of great cruelty toward the Indians.

Renewable energy. I'm a big fan.









Brain:[voice turns dark] Ɇ₳₮ ₳ ₩ⱧØⱠɆ ⱠØ₳₣ Ø₣ ฿ⱤɆ₳Đ

“Fuck is wrong with your feet?”

EDF Energy cuts gas prices by 5 percent 

Irish PM's party recovers in polls but junior partner struggles  

French PM says Brexit would be tragedy, hopes for progress in February 

Kix cereal says “Kid Tested, Mother Approved.” How is this mom approving what she hasn’t tested? And did the kid approve or not? Shouldn’t product quality be measured by the actual consumer’s experience? Also. Cocoa Pebbles. No one has seen the Flintstones in decades. Stop it.

Where will the oil money go if Jeb Bush bleeds out?

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me".



Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

Britain registers EU membership deal at U.N.:  

Vatican to Trump: It's not 'personal,' it's religion

 U.S. stock futures down about 1.5 percent

U.N. Security Council members push Russia to stop Aleppo bombing 

Delta software outage delays boarding for two dozen flights:  

If You Run After Two Hares, You Will Catch Neither

trying to explain to the tsa agent that i’m both an english major AND a whore for a good story as he rummages through my backpack looking for drugs because ‘no 20 year old reads this much’

I got fired from my job at Pepsi..I tested positive for Coke.

Each year on Father’s Day my dadbod molts to reveal an even daddier bod.

I don’t like the phrase ‘gutter press’. Gutters are useful.

Two more Taiwan quake survivors found, toll could exceed 100:  

Two former presidents of Mexico compare Trump to Hitler 

Karma is only a bitch if you are.

Protons are composed of two up quarks and one down quark , while a neutron consists of one up quark and two down quarks.

A Thief Passes For A Gentleman When Stealing Has Made Him Rich

Senate passes 'provocative' China bill, Cruz lifts nominee holds  

Went to the Ice Cream Van and asked for a 99. The Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said 'no thanks mate, just the one'

What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? 

Ash

Little came of this effort.

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.

Vultures are classified into two groups : Old World vultures and New World vultures.

Former Indian PM Singh says Modi government failing to boost economic investment 

The reason I wish I was in a gang would be so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.

Did you hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard.

Magicians get upset over every perceived slight

Every spring and fall , thousands of migrating birds pass through the area.

Though these animals are similar to pet mice and rats , the tail of a spiny mouse is much more delicate.

(run the jewels voice) picture this / im a bag of chips / put me to your lips / i am crisp / i will leave you with some stained fingertips

Irish PM's coalition struggles ahead of election, inconclusive poll possible 

That season three clubs were relegated and one from Liga Leumit was promoted.

And so the King kept Scheherazade alive day by day , as he eagerly anticipated the finishing of last night 's story . At the end of one thousand and one nights , and one thousand stories , Scheherazade told the King that she had no more tales to tell him.

If you kiss a frog, it turns into a prince but this also works with other animals. If you kiss a dog on the forehead, it turns into a farmer & if you even think about smooching a raccoon, it steals your wallet while a friend distracts you with a story about frogs and dogs.

Changed my computer password to "silence". Apparently the wife doesn't know that word.

Did you hear about the hard of hearing Mexican racist? He tried to join the que que que.

Thyme is best cultivated in a hot sunny location with well drained soil.

Holiday made one major film appearance , opposite Louis Armstrong in New Orleans.

With fewer U.S. troops in Afghanistan, pressure grows for more air strikes 

The condemned man would usually be sentenced to the short drop method of hanging , so that the neck would not break.

Sanders-Warren fights are pointless, at least for now. The two candidates like each other; so do their staffs, both of which prominently include veterans of Harry Reid’s staff. The ideological differences between them are meaningful but pale compared to with the rest of the field

[At dinner w girlfriend's parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*

Its name comes from the similarity of shape to the handle of a cooking pan.







me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.









pilot: *pushes him out of the plane* no cops

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable!  

That Man that shall snap his Arms , or smoke Tobacco in the Hold , without a Cap to his Pipe , or carry a Candle lighted without a Lanthorn , shall suffer the same Punishment as in the former Article.

This was also the first time Tammy had been used to name any tropical cyclone worldwide.

worms are so gross where are you going get back in the ground

The bedstone does not turn.



Me spending $40 at the dollar store: :) :)  o n e  dollar :)

Nobody counts the dead in the Sahara. @Specialreports gets inside the migrant crisis:  

Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one. 

Minimum wage is for maximum losers.

If these children were prisoners of war, our treatment towards them would violate several standards of International Humanitarian Law.

I want to tell a joke about Steve Jobs, but won't because it's not PC.

My neighbour has at last forgiven me for flashing my bum at her. She's over the moon.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Can you breathe through that?"

Yo mama is so fat she needs a passport to roll over.



Priest: this is a funeral

Filled up his gas tank for only $48. It was just enough to finish mowing my front lawn:

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage. There isn't a home page

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.

Niger opposition rejects initial election results, citing fraud 

He was 21 years old.

Gurnemanz explains that today is Good Friday , when all the world is renewed.

German train crash investigations focus on signal controller: source 





me: *in tears* ⁿᶦᶜᵉ

To date , much of its work has concerned the introduction of new generic top-level domains.

Three of these nominations were for the first three films directed by Baz Luhrmann.




Full quote: “Hell is other people trying to board an airplane.”

Wagga Wagga is home to two major Australian Defense Force establishments.

Hercules helps the refugees take back the city.

Zika outbreak will worsen before it gets better, WHO head says:  

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.



me: no

Pope urges peace in Mexico's poor, violent corners 

I'll be a great mother some day.
-Dude on the street

Rapidly aging Thailand tells businesses to hire more elderly  



Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

here’s a real short clip of my dumb ass doing stand up

He also worked on Velocity and Heat shows while touring as the full time Raw live event announcer.



Just a little slice of heaven right there.

John Bonham has come back as an 8 year old girl, I can't begin to describe how amazing this child is!! https://vimeo.com/263985244   #LedZeppelin





“Three days tops until at least one system body fails, triggering the entire series-linked chain to begin inevitable collapse. Anyone else?”

At The Ends Of The Earth

The first is the Pritzker Family Children 's Zoo.

I visited a friend's home for the first time. They introduced me to their dog and their dog's cousin. I just left. I'm not dealing with that type of bullshit today.

UK police to arrest Wikileaks founder Julian Assange if he leaves the Ecuadorian embassy:  

how the fuck does pony balogna rhyme and sean bean doesn't







Wife: i meant the hamster







me: ugh every thyme

Torc is screwed up.

Gabriel 's men take over the facility and start downloading a copy.

I hate being the dude that makes a big deal when he sees celebrities, and I didn’t even recognize him at first, but if this guy’s shirt is right, I just met Pickle Rick

This is the only existing engraving signed with his full name.

Brentwood was first founded in 1923.





ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Cambodians admit to raping French tourists in Thailand: foreign ministry 

The rules of the Hebrew calendar are designed such that the first day of Rosh Hashanah will never occur on the first , fourth , or sixth day of the Jewish week.

It is defined as the area of a square whose sides measure exactly one metre.

What's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the wife's car...

One person drowned after driving into a retention pond.

Idamante approaches him , but because the two have not seen each other for a long time , recognition is difficult.

Mrs and 3 of her pals squeezed into my car after weight watchers. I muttered "fat cows". The Mrs snapped "What was that!?". I said "You Herd"..

Drone strike kills six suspected militants in central Yemen 

Twitter's CEO making big product changes, but users not wowed  

Our shoot schedule, utilizing the latest in modern technology.  (Sorry - I had to make it blurry.)

Tennessee couple claiming winning Powerball ticket appear on TODAYshow:  

Children in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...

Turkish artillery returns fire 'in kind' into Syria: military sources 

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

I still think about that time Pope Francis released that white peace dove and a black crow came out of nowhere & attacked it. every single day

Canada says will lift sanctions against Iran, gives no details 

It's "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.







ME: Oh, I don't like that.

In 2002 , Powell 's was cited by USA Today as one of America 's 10 best bookstores.

I never let my children listen to jazz or classical music. It's full of sax and violins.

Dog: Man's best friend.
Cat: Man's reclusive roommate who poops in a box.

Haitink has five children from his first marriage to Marjolein Snijder.

Project Gutenberg commemorates Gutenberg 's name.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

The WHO-backed weapons in the fight against Zika - genes, bugs and radiation:  

The answer follows if the car is placed randomly behind any door , the host must open a door revealing a goat regardless of the player 's initial choice and , if two doors are available , chooses which one to open randomly.

In Greek mythology , Sagittarius is identified as a centaur : half human , half horse.



Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

U.S. flies B-52 over South Korea after North's nuclear test 

They then run through a carpark and stand by the railings to see the sunrise.

UK PM Cameron's spokesman says: Should Julian Assange leave the Ecuadorian embassy, arrest warrant will be put into effect.

They also have two small post-occipital scutes.

It's been a really bad day for me. Firstly, my girlfriend got run over by a bus.Then, I lost my job at the bus company.

Physicians, heal thyselves: What’s going on at the WHO? 

I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.

Winning numbers selected in U.S. Powerball lottery drawing  

UK to spray insecticide inside planes from Zika-affected regions - Guardian 

me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

Fishes miss a lot of calls. They always seem to be stuck on a line.

Britain scrambles fighters to intercept Russian bombers 

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

Iraq's top Shi'ite cleric suspends weekly political sermons 

By The Street Of 'By-And-Bye' One Arrives At The House Of 'Never'

Israeli troops shoot and kill Palestinian attacker in West Bank: army 

I'm green. I use iPhone apps in my iPad to save pixels.

 Telefonica eyes AT&amp;T's $10 billion Latin American TV assets - sources 

Hsinchu County controls one township-level city , three urban townships , and nine rural townships.

Why are domestic violence jokes funny? They always have great punchlines

Colombia's police chief probed for alleged male prostitution ring 

Welcome to Literal Club. Everyone, please take a seat. No, no, put them all back you guys! Ugh, kill me now. NO NO WAIT IT'S JUST AN EXP

The only dream that ever comes true is one about peeing.

In many countries , drowning is one of the leading causes of death for children under 12 years old.

My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, Sushi left me.

Three days before Katrina 's second and third landfalls , the National Hurricane Center began predicting that the storm would make landfall as a major hurricane.

But they needed him to feel like it was "his" movie. This was also exacerbated by our first meeting, where he told me, in no nuanced terms, that it needed to be either "a comedy or science fiction, make up your mind,___" (He used an expletive.)

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Games that involve throwing a 2 kilo circular object as far as possible have no place at the Olympics. Discus.

On the basis of his discoveries , Flemming surmised for the first time that all cell nuclei came from another predecessor nucleus.

Why doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.

What do people who drink enough water want from us

It is still the most widely used water turbine in the world today.

I only drink tea when I’m reading the alumni updates former classmates submit for the quarterly newsletter.

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C.

Giardia infects humans , but is also one of the most common parasites infecting cats , dogs and birds.









me: i’m less excited

Iran to upgrade missiles, get Russian defense system: minister:  

Short of options, Sri Lanka turns back to Beijing's embrace  

Ukraine deliberately drags feet on Minsk peace deal: Lavrov 

A clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus. He is suing for funfair dismissal.

If You Sell The Cow, You Sell Her Milk Too

Place at the top of affected articles.

As relations thaw, some Iranian prisoners in U.S. hope for early release:  

A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?" I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"

Tired of lacing shoes? Just replace them with earphones! They'll magically get knotted up every time, guaranteed.

I'm unstoppable, I just can't seem to get started.

A foreigner is a person from another country - See Alien.

Russia warns of new Cold War as east Ukraine violence surges 



I’d like to solve the DM.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

Aside from water vapor , which has a residence time of about nine days , major greenhouse gases are well-mixed , and take many years to leave the atmosphere . Although it is not easy to know with precision how long it takes greenhouse gases to leave the atmosphere , there are estimates for the principal greenhouse gases.

In The Brothers Karamazov , the character Dmitri Karamazov asks his atheist friend Rakitin , '' ... without God and immortal life ?

He stated that she was then approached by a dark man in a black shirt similar to those worn by security guards as the young men drove away.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Lebanese army kills six, arrests 16 militants in border town 

Anti-money laundering body urges more scrutiny of Iran, North Korea 

Gang is from the past participle of Old English gan `` to go ''.

i got 99 problems but houston only wants to hear about one of them.

There has never been a better time to be some kind of weird fucking grifter

Life Is But A Span

The name is a portmanteau of the Spanish words escopeta and guitarra.

A Joke Never Gains An Enemy But Often Loses A Friend

Big verdict doesn't assure more wins for plaintiffs in talc-cancer cases  

The word pencil comes from the Latin word which means `` little tail ''.

My favorite joke.

Give wikilinked and non-wikilinked names , as well as any possible abbreviations.

Modern roller coasters take on many different forms.

The first use of `` taupe '' as a color name in English was in the early 1800s.

U.N. agency eyes 50,000 Somalis returning from Kenyan camp 

Argentina's Macri faces first test in Congress with creditors deal 

Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*

EU border checks would cost 3 billion euros a year in lost business, says Juncker.  

Two men from Middle East who came to U.S. as refugees arrested on federal terrorism charges in California and Texas: 







OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself

All trail mix is is deconstructed candy bars.

How can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a test-tickle.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? she choked.

Christian Identity is another movement closely tied to white supremacy.

Did you hear that Johnny's left side was chopped off? It turned out that he was "alright!"

Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon

It has a stocky build , rounded ears , and a short , broad head.

I had a go at parachuting today.I went to the local airfield and said, "Stupid parachute morons jumping out of bloody planes"

What did the wall say when a fish ran into it? Dumb Bass 

U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said

Among their best known songs are `` We Can't Be Beaten '' , `` Scarred for Life '' , `` Rock 'n' Roll Outlaw '' and `` Bad Boy for Love ''.

Kerry hopes for talks in weeks on ending Yemen conflict 

My wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought East Enders was ending.

To Eat The Calf In The Cow's Belly

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

staring from a distance counts is flirting, right?

When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot 

My wife and kids are out of town guess it’s time to eat too many pot pies and cry over NPR tiny desk concerts

What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A Pedro phile

I just saw on the news'Missing girl found safe'What I wanna know is..Could she crack it?

Why'd I spend all my childhood trying to save peach? She already has a man.

Analysis - 'Project Panic' rather than love may keep Britain in EU: 

U.S. announces amendments to Cuba sanctions regulations 

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off of the roof? Tequila.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What do you give to the man who has everything? Penicillin.

Two days after he was sworn in as Prime Minister , the Wall Street Crash of 1929 occurred , marking the beginning of the Great Depression and subsequent Great Depression in Australia.

The marriage was annulled after two years.

Roads in the Valley today carry the names of the more prominent families like Mahlooks , Honey and Fosangs.

Its county seat is New Bern.

How much do cockneys pay for their shampoo? Pantene.

No one else can `` know our mind . ''

His name comes from grandfathers Henry Stuart , Lord Darnley and Frederick II of Denmark.

Poland against 'emergency brake' solution on UK migrant workers 

However early in the last morning two separate groups of children complete it.

NFL panel recommends Carson over Inglewood for proposed L.A. stadium 

Why did the flattened can of Coke want to off itself? Because it was soda pressed!

How come there is no other name for thesaurus?

Schigolch arrives , asking for money.

He collaborated on Phillip 's book and provided the first descriptions of and names for many Australian bird species ; its name is Latin for `` fast-footed New Hollander ''.

i woke up in a certified pre-owned bugatti

Russia's Lavrov, U.S. Kerry discuss Syria ceasefire plan 

Lake Tanganyika is an African Great Lake.

Many of these officers were black and had a fear that as they looked like civilian homeless people that uniformed officers would think that they were criminals if they used their guns.

Plante played for the Rangers for one full season and part of a second.

I have found an old southern cookbook with some truly fantastic “salad” recipes.

Do you know what my favorite machine to work in the Gym is? The vending machine.

 Travel insurer says sales soar on Zika fears  

No evidence of shots fired at U.S. Naval Medical Center in San Diego: officials.  

Valvular heart disease is disease process that affects one or more valves of the heart.

What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon.

U CLOWNS OUT HERE SMOKIN REGULAR JOINTS IM BOUT TO GET HIGH AS A DOG

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.





principal: we can’t have that

they sent me this with no context and without telling me they were doing it lmaooooo i’m not even getting paid for this do i ask for a check

Libya forces say conduct strikes on Islamic State in Derna, plane crashes 

My business card is just a piece of toast.

I felt uncomfortable , and besides , girls didn't go in those days . ''

UAE soldier killed in Yemen fighting: state news 

There are two pairs of gills.

paused Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.

Fuck nudes, send her some clothes before she catches a cold

Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake.






M: lol

People say 60 is the new 40...the cop that pulled me over this morning disagreed.

Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Slovenian army to help police control migrant inflow on border 

I would never go up to a van that says 'Free Candy' or 'Free puppies' painted on the side, they have to have both

I just found out this was a hi-five emoji and not praying hands. People out here dying and I'm giving hi-fives.

Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

Obama: No illusions about Syria ceasefire, will work to make it succeed  









wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY







Joe Biden: Listen up Sweet Thing we all gotta be willing to compromise

'Midnight Special' film at Berlin takes sci-fi look at parenting  

More than 100 people 'unaccounted for' after South Africa mine collapse - union 

I had a wank over my ex girlfriend last night. Yeah I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a deep sleeper!

People who ask me to look after their plants while they’re away must assume I got my nickname, Cactus Killer, ironically.



Me: I feel like you already know the answer to this.

I recently lost my job as a teacher. I got caught shagging the ugliest teacher in the whole school. Gross Miss Conduct

good morning to everyone but especially the hotel coffee which is all that’s keeping me awake at this point

In 1715 Old Town and New Town were merged to form a single town.

yes, there are five stages of grief, but if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-start, you get access to the hidden levels

I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.

[sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense

U.S. says making progress in aircraft carrier collaboration with India 

What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing.

General practice clinics are run by one or several general practitioners or practice managers.

Irish governing coalition set to fall short of majority - poll:  

Maine Road also gives its name to a non-league football club , Maine Road F.C..

What's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

Another method of protection is the release of a sour liquid from the skin.

I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is the maid on Family Guy.

Tegan first appears in the Fourth Doctor 's last serial , Logopolis.









wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY













me: *wiping my mouth with a dog* pay attention Jen

A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship, but there was no Chemistry.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Prominent Turkish journalists freed after top court ruled their rights violated  

Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a twat.

 Online cattle auction aims to shake up U.S. meat market 

Plants take up atmospheric carbon dioxide by photosynthesis , and are ingested by animals , so every living thing is constantly exchanging carbon-14 with its environment as long as it lives.





me: it’s called a segway [zooms away]

What do you call a poor Italian neighborhood? A speghetto. 

UK government says EU exit could lead to decade of uncertainty:   

Russia's military says Turkey's airspace violation claim a 'provocation' 

anyone need help opening a pickle jar?

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

And in the final days, as the world burned, oceans lapped at doorsteps, and Thunder Snow fell in the mountains, people passed the time arguing over what to call the illegal detention of children. And thus it became clear to all that the end really couldn’t come soon enough.

U.S. adds five Russian officials to human rights sanctions list 

Greek police fire tear gas at angry farmers rallying in Athens 

Raí , full name Raí Souza Vieira de Oliveira is a former Brazilian football midfielder.

Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke. 

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked to join a classical music costume contest?  "I'll be Bach"

There are many advantages in using a suppressor that are not related to the sound.

My wife says we need to work hard on our relationship because of my immaturity. Hehe, she said hardon.

To solve this problem , Claudia decides to go live at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.

Twitter Bang: Hooking up with someone in less than 140 characters.

Oil prices dip again as oversupply weighs on market  

Main Syrian opposition team to head to Geneva ahead of possible negotiations 

U.N. scrambles to sustain Syria talks; Russia vows to crush 'terrorists' 


WIFE:*weeping*It sounds like it wouldve been really funny

One Swallow Does Not Make A Summer

Jaitley pushes GST, reassures on back taxes  

South Africa's Zuma to visit Iran on Sunday: statement 

For general articles see.

like all of your dads, whales fuck

Japan lifts nuclear sanctions on Iran  

After dreadful week, stocks look for reason to bounce  

The first one started to power on July 10 , 2003.

My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting. As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just surprised as everyone else by the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth.

How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff.

Therefore we can be sure that our senses give us correct information , for otherwise we would not be here to be deceived.

Just bought a new 4D TV, it comes with integration of heat,cold,wet, wind, and different aromas. It's 6' by 4'. Its called a window.

French government flags possible reshuffle in February 

She had her first exhibitions in 1991.


Employee 2 [cumming]: i have a better idea

They eat by holding the fish in one claw and tearing the flesh with the other.

The first geyser they saw was Old Faithful.

Renault-Nissan alliance plans self-driving cars over next four years 

The devil 's stone weighs 220 tons and stands near Göschenen.

Syrian Kurdish party expects invite to Geneva talks:  









2019: concentration camps are cool

Tokyo goes for broke in Okinawa poll at U.S. airbase city  

Whenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass'. I wonder how it got there.

Israel NGO bill, seen as targeting left-wing groups, set to cross first hurdle 

The Work Shows The Workman

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic.

The first edition was published in 2004.

To anyone suffering from paranoia. You're not alone.

The chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets are greater than your chances of winning.

Turkey delivers aid across border as Syrian forces step up Aleppo assault 

Venezuela ex-ministers seek probe into $300 billion in lost oil revenue 

What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black

Zeus gave her the gift to be able to take her eyes out to rest , and then put them back in.

Yahoo to say it is exploring 'strategic alternatives':  $YHOO 

What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.

Cashier and I made eye contact & I whispered “I hurt myself..”

Five years on, unrest tests 'Arab Spring' model Tunisia 

These contain long hydrocarbon chains and a carboxylic acid group on one end.







TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL

The water surface area is 1.68 km.

Did you hear they are looking for someone to be in charge of potato snacks in the monastery? The job description will be:  Chipmonk.

a wedding band playing killing in the name of at a wedding but instead of saying killing in the name of they say Wayne and Linda in love





genie: [frowning] no

His family moved to New York when he was four years old.

A hurricane was first detected off the coast of North Carolina in early October.

Home electrical systems , for example , are wired with copper for its good conducting properties and easy machinability.

Caste protests cut water to Indian capital, hit industry 

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

The longest recorded length of this species is one found on Guam measuring three meters.

Oil industry turns to women in hour of need

Many Iranian women and youth feel failed by reformists ahead of vote 

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? "Is it mine"?

Since their formation , Ensiferum has released four full-length albums , one EP , one compilation , three singles , and three demo albums.



also my followers come first cuz i wouldn't be making all this twitter money if not for them

Russia invites Japan to fish around disputed islands 

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "This taste funny to you?"

No one on the street was injured but the cleanup took many weeks.

Alternatively , to get over , some heels may do such actions as grab a fan 's hat and throw it away , or grab his sign and tear it in half.

What did the Mexican say when his term paper flew out the window? - "Where you goin', essay?"

Suicide attack targets home of security chief in Yemen's Lahej: residents 

The fact that you saw this tweet as an affront to your personal political views says more about you than me, friendo

A bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.

If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

I’ve never been stung by a bee, which I’ve always attributed to luck. But now I’m like... what if it’s because my destiny is to save the bees and they know the prophecy

Hey, @JohnTesh I co-host an NBA show on NBC Sports Chicago and everyone knows NBA + NBC = "Roundball Rock." How many RTs for us to be able to use immortal "Roundball Rock" as our intro?

Did you hear that two men went to prison for stealing a calendar? They both got six months

A customer was buying condoms at work today. I asked if he'd like a bag? He said, "No, she's not that ugly."



ME: No. Why?

On Turkish side of border, Syrian refugees wait and worry 

They need to change the national bird to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive? Give them a test-tickle

how has this show not been canceled yet







Banana: so anyways abortion is back in the news

A Miss Is As Good As A Mile

Instead , remembering something an enemy demigod said , Percy makes the gods promise on the River Styx that they will recognize all of their children by the time they turn 13 and that they will end the pact of the Big Three.

Artificial intelligence, a designated driver? Read more:  

Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple of stores in Iraq? TARGET!

Keynes 's early romantic and sexual relationships were almost exclusively with men.

I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch. But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.

Ur punk rock band name is your fav cuss word and whatever you hate most in life/the universe. You may add 1 article/preposition/conjunction.

Some prefer to soak the lentils for an extended time and discard the water.

On an artistic color wheel , complementary colors are placed opposite one another.

Some , notably first-time sufferers , may call for emergency services . Many who experience a panic attack , mostly for the first time , fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.

It is prevalent within every section and every level of the society.

US American and US-American is another option , and is a common demonym in German.

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. A Leotard can't change its spots.

My wife is very big in fashion. She's a size 22.

New Jersey Gov. Christie backs Atlantic City takeover plan  

Gorgoneia first appear in Greek art at the turn of the 8th century BC.

Why did the football manager give his team lighters? Cos they kept losing all of their matches.

Jack Donahue was a bushranger in Australia.


im hulk hogan / hey there brother

The video begins with Rihanna and two her friends arriving at a club where everybody is bored and not dancing because of the low music.

No Joy Without Alloy

Levinson's family 'desperate for answers' from White House 

What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed.

The Aon Center is the name of two buildings.

dave i can GUARANTEE that no woman is getting an abortion to impress your shitty ass lmao



me: *trying to grind dr pepper onto someone's plate* say when

Candidates often spend long days on the trail and nights in budget hotels - but not Trump.  

Three quarters of the planet Earth is covered by water.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.

Yo mama is so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."





I'll go first - The Tragically Hip

Pretty excited for the year 2170, when I'll be just a head in a jar, stored inside a giant warehouse, quietly singing the harmony part to "The Boxer."

Congressman aims to revoke Bill Cosby's Medal of Freedom 

Three hundred sixty-two Trojan athletes have participated in the Olympic games winning 112 gold , 66 silver , and 58 bronze medals.



ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there'll be more of them

Officially , the games lasted for four and a half months ; in fact , James Edward Sullivan tried to hold an event every day for the duration of the fair.

Microsleeps can occur at any time , typically without significant warning.

It is one of the two rivers of Karachi , the other one being Malir River.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Stretch Your Legs According To The Coverlet

Groundhog Day received worldwide attention as a result of the 1993 film of the same name , Groundhog Day , which was set in Punxsutawney and featured Punxsutawney Phil.

we're banning all thirsty comments on women's pictures. from now on if you wish to compliment a lady, you may call her "adorable sea-hag," "dreaded elf-witch," or "deadly and all-powerful siren who could stab me in the heart with a knife." make your choice and make it fast.

Asked about Britain's EU vote, China says supports strong Europe:   

French justice minister Taubira resigns after uneasy term:  

What's the hottest part of the sun? Page 3

South Korea aims to put a robot in every house there by 2015-2020 in order to help catch up technologically with Japan.

What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs

having a normal one

Some white supremacists identify themselves as Odinists , although some Odinists reject white supremacy , and white supremacists are only one faction of those who support Odinism.

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

U.N. demands Syria parties halt fighting, peace talks set for March 7  

This gives an axial tilt of 29.

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

UK retail sales growth picks up unexpectedly in January:  

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

One reviewer characterized this as `` Quite possibly Card 's best published work , ever . ''.

The Vale of White Horse is a local government district of Oxfordshire in England.

Zika-hit Puerto Rico prepares to import all of its blood supplies:  

Indonesian city reprimands Muslim hardliners for harassing gays 

The sun is a type of toaster

What kind of horses do ghosts ride? Nightmares! 



Krispy Kreme assistant: please use cash

Those laxative commercials seem to go right through me.

Let your date know you’re cultured by taking her to the symphony and saying “oh okay cool they’re doing it that way” when the oboes kick in

Samples confirm Islamic State used mustard gas in Iraq, diplomat says.  



max: I'm not Mad Max at you, I'm just Disappointed Max





Me: [screams]

One of Woodstock 's most notable building 's is Old St. Paul 's Anglican Church.

FIFA election to go ahead but Blatter told to stay away:  

Washington slowly revives from deadly blizzard as transit resumes 

Papatoetoe is a suburb of Manukau City , one of the four cities that make up the Auckland conurbation in northern New Zealand.

U.S. documents detail 2015 Amtrak train crash but offer no cause 

When I thought I found my groove, it turned out it was only a rut.

Authorities working to clear remaining protesters in Oregon occupation 

So embarrassing! It's 2019 but I'm still writing War in Iraq on all my checks smh

In the same series , he reflected upon his lost friends and the moment when he came face to face with a German soldier.

What can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks "ladies, is anything ok?"

Central American immigrants scramble for options to deportation by U.S. 



Widow: *crying* why would you use frosting on a gravestone?

My bank balance is sick, I hope it gets better soon!

Thomas worked at the Natural History Museum on mammals , describing about 2,000 new species and sub-species for the first time.


- me trying my hardest to make small talk

Beavers also noted that characters with opposing viewpoints were often set up to be `` bad people '' in the viewer 's eyes.









Doctor: I’m afraid not



Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Orban says Hungary faces 'serious challenge' in euro decision 

Wular Lake is one of the largest fresh water lakes in Asia.

Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

I went to the doctors the other day and asked if he had anything for wind. So he gave me a kite.

Do you know why Frequency cannot love any more? Cause it still hertz.

The Titan 's Curse received several literature-related awards , including : number one The New York Times children 's series best seller and Book Sense Top Ten Summer Pick for 2007.

What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg? A cold spell.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

Iraqi army learns Ramadi's lessons in U.S.-led coalition training 



Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

The name `` Doaba '' literally translates to `` land of two rivers ''.

Habit Cures Habit

It wasn't named but the recipe was similar to today 's Pavlova.

On day 2 , the castaways were told they would divide into 2 tribes of 9 members each , with the two immunity holders making the first picks for their new tribes.

I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory." "When did this happen?" "When did what happen?"







ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.



Me: nice try. I was never in a baby band, Linda

Panini - Lil Nas X (2019)

Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.







me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes

Grateful to be living in the "Tetris when it's going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up" era of human history

Vladimir Putin probably approved operation to kill ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006 – UK inquiry

Missiles in Syria kill 50 as schools, hospitals hit; Turkey accuses Russia  

Claw Me, And I Will Claw Thee

My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water...I think he meant well.

Just invited my friends round for a Vodka party. Everyone was in great spirits.

I ordered a hotel wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"







Clark Kent: oh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer!

Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the last Monday of May.

Cucked  by the mucinex goblin

Promise Is Debt

Militia groups meet with leaders of Oregon occupation, pledge support 

Kurds won't attend Syria talks, Saudi-backed opponents to take lead: Fabius -  

Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Good For Nothing

FBI seeks peaceful end to occupation at Oregon wildlife refuge:  

Hahaha

Haiti protesters stone to death ex-fighter as political crisis deepens  


http://smarturl.it/blink182tour 

A major scale may be seen as two identical tetrachords separated by a whole tone , or whole step , the new set of steps `` Whole : Whole : Half : Whole : Whole : Whole : Half ''.

the Office Depot is good but i still prefer the British Office Depot

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".





 draws a horse/duck hybrid

Fundraiser idea: Play 'Baby' by Justin Bieber constantly, and have people pay to make it stop.



ME: *shuffling papers* This just in, Karen is a goddamn liar.

Michael Buble is short for “My Collection of Bubbly Christmas Music” and long for “My Boob” thanks for following








he plays the songs that take him to the past times

It is one of the first North American bird species to lay eggs , and normally has two to three broods per breeding season , which lasts from April to July.

Back to its roots: how Zika may threaten Africa 

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man how to fish, he eats for a lifetime



cop: so you live on Marvin Gardens?

This WrestleMania has the distinction of the only WrestleMania not to feature at least one standard one on one wrestling match.

Every time I see you I think about how much of a waste that 100 million years was.

U.S. training African police to counter new jihadist threats 

It is one of the less common types of skin cancer but causes the majority of skin cancer related deaths.

Gonna dress up as a Champions League trophy for Halloween and go around scaring Arsenal fans.

They are castrated so that the animal may be more docile or may put on weight more quickly.

Every Day Is Not Sunday

Potatoes are just dirt apples.

No man to talk of breaking up their way of living , till each had shared one thousand pounds.



me at my                     me at my

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went around biting people? It was a vicious cycle.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock

When I watch an old movie on TV, I always lose the "decode the Roman numerals" game when it's over.  Turns out "Citizen Kane" was not made in 1641.



uber driver: why did you sit in the front

Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth

The remaining man escapes.

Franklin Pierce , Jr. died three days after birth.

Liking your own Facebook status is like high-fiving yourself in public.

Slim: the line between genius and insane.

U.S. judge orders explanation of Iran prisoner deal 



me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick

Love it when it’s 1540 BC in southern Siberia and the streams are as full as the harvest, but it’s also time to watch out for your eldest brother Nern, who has no discipline with food and ale and will fall drunk in the frost or eat a winter’s stock in a fortnight

President Obama is invested in the gun industry – are you?  

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones heavy the others a little lighter.

Remember: you can become possessed by a demon whenever you want, you’re an adult.

Koeman married Bartina Koeman in 1985 . They have three children , two of them named Tim and Ronald.

My new video is going out tomorrow. Accidentally put a dick pic in the crying montage. Have to take it out




bartender: [slides me a single mother with 8 kids]

Take a look at the welcome page to learn more about Wikipedia.

Sumbawa lies within the Pacific Ring of Fire.

Additionally , is simply a rendering of , without bothering with the optional first argument.

Lumberjacks were exclusively men.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem

Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.

Today a great number of small and middle-sized businesses dominate the economy.

Targowica confederates , who did not expect another partition , and the king , Stanisław August Poniatowski , who joined them near the end , both lost much prestige and support.

Bayern's unstoppable force faces Juve's immovable defence  

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

China replaces Xiao Gang as securities regulator head  

Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. I know, I don't get it either

The two produced buttons as well as coffee mugs , t-shirts , bumper stickers and many other items emblazoned with the symbol and the phrase `` Have a happy day ''.

The Mrs is just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys!

It hit Mexico on the same day Hurricane Felix hit Nicaragua , only one of two occurrences in which an Atlantic hurricane and a Pacific hurricane made landfall on the same day.

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.

I just got back from the corner shop. Bought some corners.

Why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?

The template takes one parameter.

Microdon adults look more or less like typical flies.

Determined to keep his enemies close at hand , Burns rehires Homer , and all is back to normal.

~swatting at rogue faerie buzzing about my face but too vigorously so I accidentally scratch my eyeball and fall backwards from my throne~

Sugden appeared in many other television series , including The Liver Birds and Coronation Street.

Amidst drop in oil prices, U.S. Navy deploys 'Great Green Fleet'  

Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend asked me how to change her relationship status on Facebook.

For example , he explained that the reason that parents as a whole are more fertile than their children is because children must necessarily come from fertile parents.

After 15 days the lichens were brought back to earth and were found to be in full health with no discernible damage from their time in orbit.

Trump, Rubio likely targets in eighth Republican presidential debate 

Saudi Arabia 'not prepared' to cut oil production - AFP  

Suu Kyi meets Myanmar's military chief again as transition talks drag on 

My grandma caught me making a sex joke at her church bake sale so I hastily made up a fake innocent meaning for the slang phrase in it...anyway, sorry in advance to anyone she may ask to run a train on her famous elderberry muffin.

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Millennium after split, pope and Russian church to meet in Cuba 

An Old Dog Barks Not In Vain

What's green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.

this is my moment

By the early 1960s , television companies commonly presented half-hour long `` comedy '' series , or one hour long `` dramas . ''

He even says , `` I was in love with love . ''

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

Norton Internet Security held a 61 % market share in the US retail security suite category in the first half of 2007.

Two years later the organization organized in Basel the first international bourse of coins.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? My pad or yours.

Syrian opposition says government wrecking truce deal 

They have two children.













pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.

Bond King musical chairs: Gundlach replaces Gross on Barron's Roundtable 

Asia's oil markets in upheaval as China, India change the game  

It is a cool season crop grown in many parts of the world ; planting can take place from winter through to early summer depending on location.

Money does grow on trees! Banks have branches don't they?

Many new words were either borrowed from or coined after European languages , especially English , Russian , German , and French.

The Portuguese Man o ' War is often found with a variety of marine fish , including shepherd fish , clown fish and yellow jack , species that are rarely found elsewhere.

should I feel intense shame and embarrassment about everything I've ever done or just most of the things

1f u c4n r34d 7h15, u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3.

UK mortgage approvals hit two-year high, consumer credit growth strongest in a decade 

On the good days , Dylan would sing songs to him , and at the beginning Guthrie seemed to warm to Dylan . When the bad days came Guthrie would berate Dylan and it is said that on Dylan 's last visit Guthrie didn't recognize him.

OPEC watching Iran, Russia, unlikely to cut output in June  

Ain’t clitoris that Nickelodeon show Ariana Grande was on?

The first recorded use of silver as a color name in English was in 1481.

COBE was the first experiment to measure '' ... the black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation . ''

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

Have you even tried purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, my good bitch?

Thank goodness for electricity. Without it, we'd all be watching tv by candlelight.

U.S. says not close to deal with China on North Korea at U.N. 

Charizard have two wings that are blue , while the back is orange like the most of its body.

HELP just fell into the zoo's otter enclosure please send tiny cowboy hats asap

A banana and a vibrator are lying on a bed. The banana turns to the vibrator and says; "I don't know why your shaking, they're gonna eat me!"

Ahead of Chinese New Year, Xi pushes economic, military reform  

Syria bombs driving tens of thousands towards Turkey border,  London conference told:  

'There are some signs of economic softness,' Apple CFO tells Reuters

DID YOU HEAR FRANCE HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG? It is white with a white stripe and a white star!

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's women who make it hard.

Murder Will Out

Hey guys, I make art and I set up a thing where you can buy happy huggy heart products if you feel like it or not it’s up to you really but yeah ok here it is thanks bye

I went to the doctors with a strawberry growing on my bum. The doctor said "I've got some cream for that"

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

The first rule for those with a bad memory: 1)

There is land for as many ploughs.

So you're here for crap jokes? Well check this one out! one.

New York police say assailants chanted 'ISIS' while beating man 

Support dips for Irish PM's party ahead of election: poll 

The World Meteorological Organization retired one name in the spring of 2001 : Keith.

Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter. I will not be coming into work today.

















Dad: oh sex, right

My wife bought one of these yesterday and I hate to break it to her but...

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? 
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

Don't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like walnuts.

Our house doesn't have enough electrical sockets. It's a real power struggle.

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.

`` Priest '' , `` Mother 's Day '' , and `` Lullaby '' were originally recorded on his first CD A Little Bit Special.

Over two thirds of Coburg 's population live in Coburg City.

I work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

The claw of a freshly caught lobster is full and fleshy , not atrophied.

Water is gross, but necessary. Omg men are water



*cry-eating my fourth corndog in bed* I hold myself in contempt

U.S. mulls special ops mission to support Nigeria's Boko Haram fight 

I wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's.

62	
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
19522523571

Arizona does not observe daylight saving time.

Rubio under attack as New Hampshire primary race heats up 









clerk: yep *brandishes sword*

I don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?

Hercules goes through the fire and retrieves the Torch , he throws it and it lands in Prometheus 's home waking him.

I'm proud of my humility.

This includes time to replace a failed disk mechanism as well as time to re-build the array.

When I order a non-fat mocha please don’t tempt me with “don’t you want whipped cream?”

House opens inquiry into deaths of drug-dependent newborns 

Saudi Arabia warns citizens against travel to Lebanon, citing safety 

i gave u a 12-year headstart, twitter




KIDNAPPER: shit

Every Why Has A Wherefore

Grapes include Kékfrankos for red wine and Traminer for white wine.

Protests intensify in Iraqi Kurdistan amid economic crisis 

Coe was born in Chiswick , London.




ME.  Oh no!

And yes I shall purchase this item

Need a new book that will just blow your Mind? Read Twilight! You'll read a page and want to shoot yourself.





Some of you are not so bad.

For Halloween this year I think I'm gonna go around to all the hospices and retirement homes and put up cemetery wallpaper.

Last night, myself and three other gay men stood one foot away from a television and watched a 17 year old girl with a SHATTERINGLY perfect vibrato seamlessly switch from chest to mix to head voice and in that moment, we all finally understood sports culture. Eye opening!!!





Clerk: sorry sir, all sales are vinyl

Petroforms in the Whiteshell Provincial Park may be as old as 8,000 years.

The name Kalganup is believed to be the Noongar word for ` place of many waters '.

On 27 May 2008 , the company was transferred back into public ownership under the authority of Transport for London.

Was on Yahoo! Answers and saw a question. 
"How big is the specific ocean?"
I replied, " Can you be more pacific? "

Fire on Mexico Pemex platform kills two workers, now under control  

Liebenwerda had a Water castle with a Keep called Lubwarttower.

Google accounts show 11 billion euros moved via low tax 'Dutch sandwich' in 2014

By the day after the storm , about 3,000 remained without electricity on the island.

Hello from #aixenprovence https://www.instagram.com/p/By41C1ABUsU/?igshid=17mualv7kpwq0 …

Each pair will make a sound of a slightly different pitch.

On holiday with my wife and I cannot believe how tiny and revealing her bikini is. The colour suits me though.

Islamist group kills 17 in twin blasts in Somali town 

MSX was the name of a standardized home computer architecture in the 1980s.

I'm going to open a parachute company. Because anyone who would complain about my product is already dead.

He changed his name from Neil Coal to Neil Diamond after a a huge amount of record company pressure.

When The Devil Is Blind

Whats small red and whispers? A hoarse radish.

just saw a headline that said stomachs are in and boobs are out and i was like yeah, that’s the way bodies work dumbass

Syrian refugee who charmed Rio with his snacks has eye on Olympics 

To Lay By For A Rainy Day

Over the following two days , the system executed a counter-clockwise loop near the Azores.

The stall stall: In public bathrooms, the act of remaining in a bathroom stall after having completed one's business, to maintain anonymity

 Brazil could waive U.S. dollar to bolster Iran trade - minister 

The name also suggests that they may have been descended from a family of blacksmiths.

Slovakia's Fico expects to win March 5 vote and form government 



I skipped the first few chapters.

Yesterday I found out that my toaster isn't waterproof. I was shocked.

I've just found out that the guy that stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.

What's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.

[to my cheese wheel friend after he just did me a huge favor] gouda man

It Takes All Sorts To Make A World

My kid and I like to play this fun game where she says something I don’t understand, and then I have to guess what she’s talking about until we’re both crying.

Shares gain on Yellen comments, reduced bank fears  

Irish government parties' support falls two weeks from election: poll 

Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Back at Thunderbolt 's trailer , Lightning 's true nature is revealed.

Ukraine's biggest party to ask for no confidence vote on Tuesday 

Genma and Soun agreed years ago that their children would marry and carry on the Tendo Dojo.

The strength of players like Brad Park , Jean Ratelle , Vic Hadfield and Rod Gilbert would still carry them through the playoffs.

UK house price growth surges again in January - Halifax 



Me: *turns in paper that just says "Gon give it to ya"

Rival camps bicker over teams for Syria peace talks:  

It takes me three tries to get it right on the first attempt.

Ten dead, fifteen wounded in Istanbul blast: governor's office:  

One interesting twist is the Sambia tribe of New Guinea.

if you get all four wahlberg brothers together you get a houseberg thank you

Battered cod roe can also be bought within many fish and chip shops.





ME: let me rephrase that: wanna marry me?

Egypt orders arrest of Facebook administrator after unfaithful wives comments:  

Grade Digger: the chick who only talks to me for help with her classes.

wiccan and juggalo are the same thing. they just announced it on the News

The Heart That Once Truly Loves Never Forgets

Once Is No Rule (Custom)

Morrison and fellow UCLA student Ray Manzarek were the first two members of The Doors.

Too Much Knowledge Makes The Head Bald

 A look at the elaborate outfits that shaped David Bowie's pop personas.  

lotta people telling me they “like me as a friend” in my dm’s rn

Someone who eats their own food is a good cook, someone who laughs at their own jokes, is not funny.

New Taiwan president's dilemma: to host or not to host the Dalai Lama?  

To Weep Over An Onion

She said, "You have a great day" with a finality that made it clear she intended not to be a part of it.

235 days , it leaves the pouch for the last time . The young Joey will permanently leave the pouch at around 235 days old , but will continue to suckle until it reaches 12 months of age.

How does Nasa organize a party? They planet.

Iran mocks Saudi offer to send ground troops to Syria 

The Mill Cannot Grind With The Water That Is Past



daddy piggy: ffs I asked you before we left

Hundreds of  Aung San Suu Kyi allies form Myanmar's ruling party after decades of struggle:  

Democrat Sanders looks to prove minority appeal in Nevada 

Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She's very tidy downstairs though.

Britain has won the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936. Coincidentally, that's the last time anyone gave a fuck.

The colonizing population may diversify rapidly to take advantage of all possible niches.

Old Birds Are Not Caught With Chaff

Swiss drop investigation of two men arrested in Geneva 

A contestant just accused me of being an unfair gameshow host. Point taken!

Tried to look up blurry in the dictionary, but it wasn't very clear.

Best Defence Is Offence

New Year's Resolution: 1: Buy a padlock. 2: Find a person with Tunnel plugs( holes in their ear). 3: Lock it onto their ear. 4: Run.

If you see your friend Jack on an airplane, don't say Hi to him.

Great Barkers Are No Biters

Longfellow often used allegory in his work.











Me: A beluga whale in a moderate gale

Uzbek woman says in court 'Allah ordered' her to sever child's head 

His name may refer to the scorpion goddess Serket.

There are 24 Vice-Presidents , three Senior Vice Presidents and two Executive Vice Presidents.

To Rob One's Belly To Cover One's Back

When I’m not feeling well my husband will check on me to see if I’m still making dinner.

What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms.

Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day'

Ousted Thai PM Thaksin's influence shows signs of waning 

The request line and headers must all end with.

Virtual reality 'heroin cave' aimed at helping addicts kick habit  

Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? Okay, Two guys walk into a bar..

In 1936 , Ruth Harkness became the first Westerner to bring back a live Giant Panda , a cub named Su-Lin who went to live at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago.

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew.

Millions of Iranians vote in the high-stake elections set to shape the post-sanctions era:  

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.

self care is officially over we're doing drugs again

Delayed ceasefire lets Russia keep bombing:  

My mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds. So I mugged her.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.

It was built in the sixth century BC , but was destroyed in the Great Fire of Rome during Nero 's reign.

Differences in Islam play role in refugee crisis, says UK ex-foreign minister 

Let them be separated.

When he appeared again , his hair had turned white , his back was bent , and his face worn.

When I was 12 I saw a girl choke on a mozzarella stick in the cafeteria and the first thought I had was “damn how did I miss the mozzarella sticks”



Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I wish I was a bear, I'd be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I just drank clearasil. It really hits the spot.

The temperature reaches or exceeds 100 F on an average of 110 days during the year , including most days from late May through early September , and highs top 110 F an average of 18 days during the year.

76)

The title is based on the film Home Alone.

Pope Francis became visibly annoyed when grabbed by a crowd in Mexico.  

Asked the wife to make me happy and sad at the same time. She told me that my dick was bigger than my brothers!

Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.

Museveni in early lead in Uganda election: electoral commission 

training my big boyfriend to introduce himself as “tara’s big boyfriend”

Asia shares edge ahead with oil, pound slips  

Quote of the day: "Whenever you're feeling powerless, remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool."

Ten children stabbed outside school gate in southern China 

I once had a girlfriend who could look into the future. She left me before we met.











Me: Picasso









Me: It's just one letter.

Prosperity Makes Friends, And Adversity Tries Them

Bout to do some comedaaayyyy

At least 12 killed in suicide blasts in north Nigeria 

Many extremophiles fall under multiple categories.

What does it mean if someone gives me half a peace sign?

It took a long time for the cathedral to be built , and during that time tastes in architecture changed.

`` The Knight in the Panther 's Skin '' has been translated into many languages.

Dance presented with music may or may not be performed in time to the music depending on the style of dance.

Mali Islamist group Ansar Dine claims attack on U.N. base 

What does the bar code in Banksy's new mural link to? Find out here:  

My mate is a professional jester, but he's currently out of work. He's nobody's fool!

With days to go, rival camps bicker over teams for Syria peace talks 

China lands plane on one of its new island runways in the South China Sea:  

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The Prime Minister of New Zealand is New Zealand 's head of government consequent on being the leader of the party or coalition with majority support in the Parliament of New Zealand.





Me: we live on a ball

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

Trump thanks South Carolina  

Ignacio lost tropical characteristics August 19.

The mail has became so slow that the seeds I ordered arrived in full bloom.

This time , Pompey refused.

Why don't chickens wear undies? Because their peckers are on their faces.

He That Is Born To Be Hanged Shall Never Be Drowned

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Zika crisis pressures Vatican to soften contraception stance 

When DES was approved as a federal standard in 1976 , a machine fast enough to test that many keys in a reasonable time would have cost an unreasonable amount of money to build.

ants invade kitchens in the spring because it’s track and field season and they need your toothpicks to practice pole vaulting



[Ok so uh... if we go to this corner and leap, uh, crouch-jump at this angle, uh, we can skip picking s gender & that's going to save us a lot of time]

Ankara 'shocked' by U.S. comments putting Kurdish YPG and Turkey in same basket: formin spox 

Watching a blonde with lipstick on her forehead, she must be making up hermind.

Animals that live under human care are in captivity.

however, please DO text that friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with y’all can cry about your lives together

New Brooms Sweep Clean





SOCIETY: Oh heavens no, lol.



Income Inequality in the US continues to rise. Trump's comment against socialism gets a standing O by almost every politician at the SOTU & we are told we should rely on charity. Let's look at stats where our billionaires live

My mate has a butler with a missing left arm, serves him right.



me: undefeated baby

Dating a girl from the zoo. She's a keeper.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Genes, bugs and radiation: WHO backs new weapons in Zika fight 

Maybe I won't get hired in some things.

His lyrics loosen up enough to sing about skin creams and powder advertised as being able to lighten dark skin.

In 1920 Blackpool Corporation took over the Blackpool & Fleetwood Tramroad Company gaining eight miles of track and three depots , two in Fleetwood and one in Bispham.

Why can't the human ear detect a dog's whistle? Because dogs can't whistle.

Why do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.

Mr. Bazargan served as the first Iranian head of National Iranian Oil Company under command of Prime Minister Mossadegh.

Workers evacuated at Brazil's Samarco mine after new mudslide 

Using a cup and a magazine to safely remove a boy from my apartment without killing them.

Mexico, Central American countries OK plan for stranded Cubans  

The first 2009 Stock train entered passenger service on 21 July 2009 , and one new train will enter service every two weeks from early 2010.

Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen did last year? Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.

Paddy in Wetherspoons: "How much is your lager?" Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher" Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo."

Historically mills were powered by hand , working animal , wind or water.

 One U.S. service member killed, two wounded in Afghanistan: report 


Student: it just says “I’m lonely”

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

As Drunk As A Lord

U.S. northern Midwest sees blizzards, tornadoes hit South  

HSBC keeps headquarters in London, rejects move to Hong Kong  

It was also a haven for Gallic rebels and the like , and so could not be left alone much longer.

See also List of places in Thuringia.

Thousands of migrants trapped in Greece as neighbors tighten restrictions 

This was the fourth time that the name Harvey had been used to name a tropical cyclone in the Atlantic and the sixth time worldwide.

I like to lead by bad example.

My love life is like a pack of cards, first it was all hearts and diamonds. Now I'm after a club and a spade!

Forty percent of Germans want Merkel to resign over refugee policy: poll  

I just explained Google images to my mum: "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked

Each of his parents was one of eight children.

As the language was easier to learn , many Volapük clubs became Esperanto clubs.

 Justice Scalia was an "extraordinary individual and jurist, admired and treasured by his colleagues": Chief Justice Roberts

The 1st century BC , also known as the last century BC or 1st century BCE started on the first day of 100 BC and ended on the last day of 1 BC.

Hard water is generally not harmful to one 's health.

Practise What You Preach

It created much damage to area vessels.

UPDATE: Tsunami warning lifted following major earthquake off Indonesia 's Sumatra island TVRI says quoting meteorolgical agency official

How many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.

Recent strike targets Mosul 'cash collection point': U.S. military 

All Men Can't Be First

U.N. to announce new round of Syria talks: envoy 

When I see people in camouflage I bump into them and say"Whoa, sorry I didnt see you there".

Wife of U.S. pastor imprisoned in Iran hopes to reunite, rebuild marriage  

How do you get a fat woman in bed? Piece of cake

Netanyahu seeks to expel families of Palestinian attackers:  

Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!

Heimskringla is the best known of the Old Norse kings ' sagas.



That's a lie. People are dying.

Betwixt And Between

What Is Sauce For The Goose Is Sauce For The Gander

Croatian minister for war veterans quits after six days 

Sarkozy draws presidential election spotlight with book 

In the case of asteroids , so many have been discovered that many will never be named by their discoverers.





me: *in tears* ⁿᶦᶜᵉ






4. Even if they were, this would still be considered cruel, unusual

How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles 

Streets of Congo capital quiet at start of general strike 

I wander. No clue what's happening. Very little skills

If more than 6 people gather anywhere in Oregon, it's either a drum circle or a heavily armed militia. No in between.

He is believed to have lived in Thinis one or two centuries before the rule of the better known King Scorpion of Nekhen.



Officer: Ma’am this is a sobriety test. And that’s a storm drain.















Me: You’re answering your own question.

Number of anti-Semitic incidents in Britain falls 



crush: omg thanks Brad will LOVE this

"The biggest problem with using the Internet is you never know if it's reliable or not" -Abraham Lincoln

Sanrio 's best known character is Hello Kitty , a white cat with red bow and no visible mouth , one of the most successful marketing brands in the world.

The Draft took place live for three hours on WWE 's flagship program , Raw on USA Network.

How do you kill a circus? Go straight for the juggler

Lebanon presidency deadlock persists as Hariri stands by Franjieh 







ME: (winks) Maybe..

What d