In [25]:
'''

This simple script will append all the individual csv files created by 01_Scrape_Tweets_From_Funny_Accounts.ipynb.
Those will be cleaned(using preprocessor library). Also, we filter out tweets that have RT(retweet) count < 50 (assumption here is that RT>=50 is mostly going to be a funny tweet).
Final O/P saved in Tweets_Combined.csv

References

'''

#Import required libraries
import pandas as pd
import glob
import os
import preprocessor as p #Tweeets cleaning library taken from https://github.com/s/preprocessor

In [26]:
#Set directory. Read in all tweets files for all funny accounts
directory=r'C:\Users\sphulse\Desktop\00 CURRENT PERSONAL PROJECTS\00 MLG Apprentice bootcamp\MLG capstone project\Scrape_2010'
all_files = glob.glob(os.path.join(directory, "*.csv"))

li = []

for filename in all_files:
#print('doing  '+str(filename))
li.append(df)
#print('done')

In [27]:
frame = pd.concat(li, axis=0, ignore_index=True)

C:\Users\sphulse\AppData\Local\Continuum\anaconda3\lib\site-packages\ipykernel_launcher.py:1: FutureWarning: Sorting because non-concatenation axis is not aligned. A future version
of pandas will change to not sort by default.

To accept the future behavior, pass 'sort=False'.

To retain the current behavior and silence the warning, pass 'sort=True'.

"""Entry point for launching an IPython kernel.

In [28]:
#frame.columns
'tweet_fav_count', 'tweet_hashtag_mentions', 'tweet_img_url',
frame=frame[colstokeep]

In [29]:
fail_counter = 0
for index,row in frame.iterrows():
#print(row['tweet_text'])
try:
#print(p.clean(row['tweet_text']))
except:
fail_counter+=1
pass
print('Number of records not cleaned',fail_counter) #250 records. Not deleting for now. Need to investigate later.

Hey guys! If you enjoy these comics, don't forget to support those that inspired them by following them and liking/retweeting their tweets! Links are always included with each comic post. Thanks!
Also, special thanks to for suggesting the tweet by .
This comic is based on a tweet by . Please check out the original tweet and give it some love! …
This comic is based on an awesome tweet by !
This comic is about coming out.
Hey, ! Peppa has a message for you.
This comic is based on a tweet by ! Check out their original tweet here: …
We're looking to celebrate diversity and promote inclusivity. Tweets can be funny without being offensive, so please keep from posting anything negative or hateful. Thanks!
TWEET CALL! For Pride Month, we’re looking for funny queer-themed tweets to turn into comics. Link a tweet by you or a friend and we’ll pick our favourites. Credits will always go to the original tweeter. Please share!
Here's a -second clip of this comic's creation process. For those of you who like watching this stuff.
Woo! Thanks for all the likes and retweets, everyone! Don't forget to share that sweet tweet lovin' with ! This comic wouldn't be possible without them.
New comic based on a fantastic tweet by ! Check out their original tweet here and give it some love! …
Today's comic is based on a tweet by ! Check out their original tweet here: …
Today's comic is based on a tweet by ! Check it out here: …
Today's comic is based on a meme.
Today's comic is based on a tweet by ! If you liked this comic, please check out the tweet that inspired it: …
Today's comic is based on a tweet by ! If you liked this, check out the original tweet: …
Today's comic is based on a tweet by ! If you liked this comic, check out the original tweet here: …
Clearly this wasn't the family reunion that Grandpa had in mind.
Another comic thanks to the bizarre mind of ! If you enjoy these comics, you would definitely love his humour. Check out the original tweet here: …
Tax season! Who else can relate to this? If you liked this comic, please check out the original tweet by and give it some looove: …
A Strange Loop at was just so so beautiful and hilarious and heartbreaking. I’m truly in awe and inspired. has written something incredibly special. And...oh...did you not know about Miss ??? Well get READY to KNOW!!! Congrats to all involved!
Rampion is another name for the Rapunzel flower, so the lyrics “ripping up the rampion, my champion, my favorite” sung by Rapunzel’s witch in ‘Into the Woods’ are in fact brilliant, respect the audience’s intelligence and also drive narrative and I don’t know why I’m writing this
SAT /13: A Gay Show For All People Summer Spectacular! & Josh Sharp host a gay show for all people filled with songs and goofs from special guests: ~ ~ ~ ~ ~, and ~! :
All of us share the earth with crocodiles, which are literal fucking dinosaurs, and we just walk around buying eggs and light bulbs. Wake up humanity we are at WAR here!!!
why are women’s bodies more controlled than guns? which ones are the actual threat to life?
“Come closer,” she whispered, covered in blood. “I’m good,” I replied, cuz I could easily hear her and also the blood was gross. “The prophecy,” she croaked, “can be undone.” And was like, “Plz don’t be dramatic,” but then she died and I was like: omg I’m such a bi$h sometimes. Killing Eve is rly good My hot take set my whole building aflame and now all the neighbors + the New York Fire Department are RLLY mad me . and join to discuss the cesspool of White House, Trump’s billion dollar loss, and the continuously eanding race on a brand new ! Listen here: I grew out my hair so I would always have floss when someone drinks decaf coffee? its like, ok, maybe just have a cup of water u stupid bitch WE ARE WATCHING WE DEMAND ACTION!!! There are no cis-women cereal mascot characters. I’m outraged!!!Join me in protest this afternoon as I empty thousands of boxes of misogynist LIES into the Hudson. Brigade Meets Broadway Monday /22 :30 Songs & stories: Hosts: and me Keys: Improv: Josh Sharp I staunchly support unions and am in no way a union buster except for ride shares bc cabs are like dollars more eensive and I haaaate tipping so unionless ride shares are my guilty capitalist-pig pleasure lol gotta go catch my Uber(XL)!!! My beauty secret? Plenty of sleep, a healthy diet, a fortifying conditioner, and the soul of this small girl which I keep trapped in a handheld ivory mirror. How do you stay looking young and fresh? Comment below! Incredible Gays complain that Hell’s Kitchen bars are terrible but th Avenue Saloon continues to SLAP. Always FREE popcorn, a bookshelf full of FREE socialist literature, and right now VODKA IS ALSO FREE. Open your damn EYES!!!! Whenever people are like “it’s , get with it,” I’m always like “no YOU get with it bc it’s actually and has been for years.” Me to my son when we’re on top of the Empire State Building: “One day, all of this will be yours.” (I randomly own all of New York City) (my son is a lion) I was trying to reference Playboy bunny the other day and I said PlayBILL bunny and wow that’s gayer than anal folks. I retire! Very excited that HarperCollins is publishing my novel in . Posting this on multiple social media platforms truly gives me hives! Pray for my health...or don’t! Okay now he's just pandering Last night, myself and three other gay men stood one foot away from a television and watched a year old girl with a SHATTERINGLY perfect vibrato seamlessly switch from chest to mix to head voice and in that moment, we all finally understood sports culture. Eye opening!!! Whispering is chic. Do you have a secret? A juicy bit of gossip? Have you been ill with a shattering disease and are only just recovering? Or are you under the spell of a witch, cursed to speak in muted susurration forevermore? Whisper and thrill the world. I’m opening a store in Brooklyn called Candle and Pants. We will sell neither of these items. Please come! If you can’t handle me at my worst, then I will mutate into my true form and unleash a pain upon this world the like of which has never been seen. okay, what about the bachelor but one of the girls is an actual lizard? Just one lizard though, the rest are girls Hmmm. I’d say my life goal is for lots of strangers like me online and my personality is abs. A few years ago I would’ve said kale was my personality but now it’s definitely abs. If you get out of bed before noon, you’re a twisted workaholic. And yes, I’m talking to you obstetricians, bakers, teachers and baristas! Sleep in! You’re all SICK!!! I just want to say that . is one of the most underrated living actresses! I still get actual CHILLS remembering some of her Six Feet Under line readings. STAR!!!! Everyone thinks dinosaurs evolved into birds when giraffes are literally just brachiosaurus wearing cute clothes. Giraffes are tricking you WAKE UP! A pig and a three-legged horse, Studied centrifugal force. The pig broke new ground, Became quite renowned, And the horse? Why, he’s glue now of course! I know you all love viral twitter darling . but I need you all to know I did a three person set with Sam and . like years ago. He is a FREAK for improv and his tweet is a fucking LIE!!! Welcome to call out culture Sam. Can u handle the heat? Is making orgasmic moans and sighs while you shit/piss in a men’s airport restroom a requirement? Or is it just culturally preferred? Cause it sounds like the world’s saddest bathhouse in here. On this episode of DONE we talk with America’s literal sweetheart, on! Aaron is DONE with people who brag about not having cavities Hand SanitizerKeeping orcas in tanks! Listen here: … My sister is truly the best not even being biased. Do her Patreon or just go see her in a show you will have a real artistic eerience. Not joking! Funerals are like weddings except shorter/better food/no chicken dance/less people tearfully saying “best friend” while holding a folded piece of paper and I’m sorry but funerals are just better. I’m sorry!!! Me and my friends? We’re crazy. We like to rent a private karaoke room and then post HUNDREDS and I mean HUNDREDS of videos of us singing karaoke in the private karaoke room. We’re wild as stallions, unique and drunk. When the water is clear? After only two rounds? I just have to whisper “witch” to myself. (I’m Vers btw) Hello twitter friends, I wrote a fantasy/sci-fi book about a woman who helps topple a tyrannical Queen, becomes the new leader, and gets into loads of sword fights. It's here if you wanna check it out: ME: Hotdogs imply the existence of coldcats. WENDY'S CASHIER: shut the fuck up no it doesnt. I'm sick of you Twitter weirdos coming in here saying weird shit I dont get paid enough for this you didnt even order. get the hell out. Me: please just one more wish Genie: no, I said Me: please Genie: no Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses Hostage negotiator: let one hostage go as a show of good faith Me, one of the hostages: [raising hand] ooh, pick me pick me! Bank robber: I'll let one go if you send in ten pizzas Me: [quickly lowers hand] [after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom] Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast the antelopes: wait, the what now? Me: *covers foot with blanket* Monster : *about to grab my foot anyway* Monster : *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin Netflix: are you still watching? Big Brother: yea Me: I’d kick ass in a zombie uprising Wife: u run away from flies because “maybe they know a bee” Me: My eyes are up here Picasso: I disagree *battlefield turns into a giant orgy* Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have Me: [screaming] You: [screaming] All of us: [screaming] Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit Death (beckoning to humanity): COME... IT IS THE END OF DAYS Greg, the Hell temp who never takes things seriously: lmao you mean nights? Death: *rubs temples* Greg why are you even here Greg: there was an extra horse Her: The world is gonna end in minutes!!! MINUTES! Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better. Death: *putting sunscreen on his horse* [when butter was invented] Butter knives: FINALLY Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Me: sure Shakespeare: okay. summer's day > you Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal Me: my resume talks?? Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second. You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby [before the invention of handbaskets] Satan: where the hell is everyone Mick Jagger: [answering phone] hi this is Mick Jagger Some poor employee ordered to conduct a survey on customer satisfaction: oh no paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice King: the rebels are revolting Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say we're gross King: no, no, I mea- Rebels: [visibly upset] why king mugger: your money or your life me: oh you pick Hostage negotiator: let one hostage go as a show of good faith Me, one of the hostages: [raising hand] ooh, pick me! Bank robber: I'll let one go if you send in ten pizzas Me: [quickly lowers hand] me: do u have anything.. stronger? lemonade stand child: no [6:34] Me: nice, I'm not even hungry for dinner yet [6:36] Me: I WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY Nobody: Fight club member: [forest] ME: omg there’s a wolf WIFE: where? ME: no the regular kind St Peter: ok the ghost busters just died, they did good so I let them into heaven, right? God: yes Jesus: sure Holy Ghost: absolutely not Me: hey do you want your mind to be blown? My dog: woof Me: we live on a ball Him: do you swallow Me: [assuming he means swords] of course [1789, woman opens beautifully wrapped hand delivered message] Oh my. Yet another gentleman caller has sent me his penis portrait. my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes in lieu of dick pics please send dog pics dog: *stares at me* me: what dog: *sits next to speaker and stares at me* me: ugh, fine *puts on free fallin by tom petty* tom petty: she's a good girl dog: *tail goes fucken nuts* Roommate: someone ate my cookies Me: [drinking milk] oh no wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me Me: I hear you love company? Mystery: No, that's Misery Me: Oh Mystery: Me: Mystery: Me: Mystery: OR IS IT What's the word for when you don't have a dominant hand but you're not ambidextrous, you just suck on both sides If you get a tattoo of your top tweet, well, the joke's on you. as governor of Indiana, Mike Pence allowed over cases of HIV infection to happen because his “faith” opposed needle exchanges; his identity as a “man of faith” has done nothing but harm everyone that he touches and when Trump is impeached, Pence must go as well ME: I dreamed I was up Shit’s Creek. THERAPIST: That’s a relatable feeling of desperation. You just need a paddle. ME: I was the paddle. [breaks into a serial killer’s house and hides in his closet] and now we wait What do those colorful French eressions mean? c'est la vie it's alive raison d’être raisin of death (every raisin) cul-de-sac cool sack! (genital compliment) gendarme arm gender apropos hi, popo! ("hello, officer") Scorpio: We’re not going to sugar-coat this, you’re going to have to fight a goose for your lunch this week. The more photos I print to put on my vision board, the more photos of money I have to print to pay for all the ink I need to print photos to go on my vision board LinkedIn: You appeared in searches this week Me: Yay! LinkedIn: None of them liked you Me: Oh no LinkedIn: But connections who are younger than you got promoted Heart: I just want people to like me. Brain: But you say weird things. Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny. Me: No glove no love. Gyno: Please don't make another pap uncomfortable. fun adult game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are. it's cool as heck and you can play for hours DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: ah the lion, nature’s finest predator LION: wear something tasteful with a hint of mysterious sex appeal; a touch of cologne is ok, but don’t overdo; prepare a couple of colorful anecdotes that reveal the essence of your personality; ask her open-ended questi Well well well. If it isn’t that poor choice I can’t stop repeatedly making. I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing. this is all a terrible tom clancy mini series don't fall for it This morning I met a dog with a job, which means he's already more successful than several of my exes. One time I made eye contact with a hipster in a coffee shop and a vape cloud appeared and carried me to a thrift store. Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not. the film industry for women, queers, and people of colour: Was relaxing at one of those salons where fish nibble at your toes until one of them unnerved me by not breaking eye contact. More animal facts: - If lizards stop slipping their tongues in & out, they'll die - Armadillos are bugs - Fuck mosquitoes. Fuck them to hell HER: Let’s play questions ME: Ok HER: You start ME: Why do I shit with my legs crossed WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why? Happy Birthday, !!! I still do not know what your name means but you are amazing. Yay, you!! I was abducted by a UFO, and while a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, I will say I'm the st human in the billion billion mile high club. ME: Oh cool a quiz to find the Friends character you're most like DAVID SCHWIMMER: Untie me M: Question one DAVID SCHWIMMER: I have a family [first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing* *shipwrecked diary* Day : alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day : I have married the crab. Day : I have eaten my wife. I'M IN THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE —Me inside a bouncy house that looks like Scooby Doo If I grew a second head, I just know I’d be the one who doesn’t get to control the body. The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck I can't drink anymore so I watch animal babies to escape. Please join me. … please enjoy these heavily cropped photos of a friend of mine who works at a bat sanctuary carrying bats around in her pocket a story in three parts Hello I would like to go to the beach and also be haunted by a cursed item. Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait. I’m sorry my cat tried to eat your baby. I'm brave, but not "put hashtags in my bio" brave They say video games make you violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage. "What people here need to appreciate is SC has a total new crop of Dem primary voters. Yes, it's majority black. Yes, it's majority women. But we've got a lot of progressives thanks to Senator Bernie Sanders & the work that he's done, " - Gilda Cobb-Hunter lmao Bill Maher went on a rant about how "SJWs" keep demanding apologies like over Biden's recent remarks praising segregationists, but then immediately afterwards he demands the same of AOC for her use of "concentration camps". Watch how he responds when he's called out on it: This is the stupidest day in American history, a record that will be broken by every subsequent day in American history. This guy is struggling to competently manage a crisis in a city of ,000 people, but he's still The Wonk's Choice because he got good grades and talks about reading books a lot *kurt eichenwald posts pic of his fridge, revealing eired tub of mayo* KURT: it's not what you think. my large sons & I jerk off with it I made a kurt eichenwald rap Kurt hates progressives so much he’s escalated right into “progressives are at fault for the holocaust” i dedicate this tweet to two wonderful comrades: and 'hi, i'm kurt eichenwald. when i'm not jerking off to tentacle porn or voting for Bush, i like to tweet about how people who want medicare for all are actual Nazis and were responsible for the holocaust. i am a very serious person and please never laugh at me.' my cat just fell asleep, rolled off the desk, and fell in the trashcan and i've never felt closer to anything than i do to my cat right now Flight CH002. Charlie just walks/runs/swims normally , and then this weekend- majestic flight over ice TWICE A Thread Billionaires Living Large Among the Poor Income Inequality in the US continues to rise. Trump's comment against socialism gets a standing O by almost every politician at the SOTU & we are told we should rely on charity. Let's look at stats where our billionaires live Just…nobody YOU: I'm depressed THEM: oh no, have you tried doing this thing that doesn't work at all Mayor Pete Buttigieg: “I do not have evidence that there has been discipline for racist behavior...” Protester: “You running for president and you eect black people to vote for you?” Buttigieg: “I’m not asking for your vote.” Protester: “You ain’t gonna get it either.” Reasons why it doesn't matter that the people held in concentration camps at the border "broke the law" . They're human beings . They're human beings . They have had no trial, are not convicted of any crimes . Even if they were, this would still be considered cruel, unusual This is the correct tone for dealing with American journalists. The case for Sanders over other candidates when it comes to foreign policy has been oddly underemphasized so far in the primary Mr. King, the Republican Party literally stripped you of your Congressional committee assignments because you were too racist even for them. My Jewish constituents have made clear to me that they proudly stand w/ caged children who are starved, denied sleep & sanitation. Bye Let's not forget, Third Way, DNC twitter trolls, Politico, The Hill, and on and on were all attacking Liz Warren non-stop just a few months ago. They do not like her. It was all of us on the left who defended her against these attacks. Centrists stand for absolutely nothing. "That's one small step for man. That's one open fridge for man. That's one good sandwich for-" "Neil! Stop." "I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET" Me: *Checking to see if there's anything on cable for the first time in years* Cable: HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ Adobe Acrobat Reader has updated! Adobe Acrobat Reader finally paid off it's Corolla. Lost a bit of weight. Just had a nice date with a guy named Steve. You should... you should come back to Adobe Acrobat Reader. It misses you. Current. It's a weird looking word, look at it. Current. Current. Isn't it weird? Cur-rent. Anyways, I accidentally opened a time portal from the current to the end of the universe and we're all gonna die. A fun alternative to saying "go to hell" is saying "hop on this conference call" every work email i get: hey quick question - can you elain to me the functioning of this entire system and associated processes, the history of the program, and the life story of the creators and their kids' future goals? thanks It's fun to watch early seasons of Sesame Street, back when he was just called Cookie Man. Before the affliction overcame him. If you pronounce "Hadoop" like"Hadouken!" and do the fireball move with your hands they stop inviting you to the Big Data meetings Death: Come! Behold, we are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and- Bystander: Who's that guy? Death: *sighs*...that's Steve, the One Scooter-Riding Summer Intern of the Apocalypse Steve: H... Hey. Hello. Please, Mr. [Unholy screeches of the damned] was my father's name. Call me [ethereal silence on a ghost planet, haunted by sorrow and loss]. *flagging down the butcher* Excuse me, this is all ground beef up here, I know you're hiding the good space beef in the back *hands shaking, heart racing* Wow, guess it's time for a coffee detox My heart: *bursts from my chest and swan dives into the coffee pot* I'm gonna beat my lap record, time me Most people don’t know this, but the full phrase is actually ‘Live, Laugh, Love, Fire an Enemy into the Sun on a Homemade Rocket’. Not saying I'm in a rut, but at this point if a poltergeist wanted to use my mortal frame as an avatar to settle a centuries-old blood feud I probably wouldn't even resist judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do It's a wonderful day to go to the gas station and pet the hot dogs America: We're protesting Amazon! Amazon: W Megaphone for only$12 with free Two-Day Shipping through Prime America: We're protesting Amazon on Friday after PM!
Has science gone too far?
Boss: I'm... I'm not sure we can accommodate Me: Listen, if "sitting" desk and "standing" desk are valid choices, then "Jeff Goldblum pose from Jurassic Park" desk is well within my rights
Patenting a revolutionary idea: Like "emojis", except on real human faces. Imagine if your face could make "curvy mouth" in real life => . Boom. Amazing.
Me: *opening a can of soup* Cats: hey remember the ONE time you fed us canned food in BECAUSE WE DO HEEEEYYYY HEY HI
Also follow who is wise and did not forget the mole part of guacamole like I did when I ruined a perfectly mediocre science joke
"6.022 × ²³, the quantity of particles in one mole of any substance" - Avogadro's number "$2.05, the quantity of money for one guacamole scoop on any burrito bowl" - Avocado's number I just watched Passengers and it was so much like a bad Andy Dwyer skit that I was waiting the whole movie for a "Macklin, you son of a bitch" that never came "For the last time, stop harassing the Roomba! This is how you get a robot uprising" - My last words to my son before the robot uprising Harry Potter at an interview Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were years-old. Harry: That’s correct, sir. Interviewer: But no eerience with Excel. Wow. [after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions Finished grilling and yelled up to my son to "get off the Nintendo." A pair of white New Balances suddenly appeared on my feet and I have an uncontrollable urge to buy a cell phone holster. They actually make a lot of sense when you think about it. I just drove my hot car to the hot go-cart park to pay money to stand in a hot line to drive a smaller (but equally hot) car around a hot track and then drove in my larger, hot car back home and I'm starting to question my life choices KYLIE: I'm gonna be the youngest self-made billionaire! ELON: How did you solve for the genetic mutation in the cloning process? Because I'm still... oh... OHHH... shit, I... nevermind Video Game NPCs: "Behold, the greatest military commander the universe has ever known" Me: *running into a wall for minutes* CHEF (adding a burger to an upscale menu): I am going to triple the price and make this physically impossible to consume without looking like an idiot CRITICS: genius. Also whoever is sitting on time's fast forward button, can you please move, it's already March, this is ridiculous I just watched the latest Avengers: Infinity War trailer and YouTube subtitled "Thanos" as "Dennis" and now I kind of want to see a movie where all the superheroes gang up to fight a guy named Dennis. I'm at a skating rink with my son and about other children and I believe this may be the closest analogue to Grand Theft Auto I have ever eerienced in real life It wouldn't even be the weirdest American law. He's even informing his friends at school in case they go to Texas anytime soon. I lowkey told my wife and son that clapping and finishing the chorus to 'Deep in the Heart of Texas" like in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is a strictly enforced Texas state law and neither of them even questioned it Give all teachers Gundams [Queer Eye, Hogwarts edition] Tan: Today we're meeting Rubeus Hagrid Hagrid, holding dead rabbits: ‘Ello Jonathan: YAS QUEEN! You are giving me so much sexy mountain man face, I can’t even. You can take me to the forbidden forest anytime Despite all the treats my cat just wants to yell in my face Despite all the treats my cat just wants to yell in my face Then after food she’ll go to sleep in her cat tree Despite all the treats my cat just wants to yell in my face -billy catgan I don't use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never You can find me in the club, selling body scrub. Hawking perfumes by the liter and some Vicks VapoRub. I got vanilla candles and some bubbles for your tub... ~Fifty scent [trying out my magic tricks for the first time] *sawing person in half* Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket* No one: Nipples: IS IT COLD IN HERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS COLD IN HERE IS ANYONE ELSE COLD The salmonella/romaine outbreak of was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before hello i just got a massage how’s your day Guy: *sends dick pic* Me: do you seriously not have sheets on your bed good god get it together man we’re not in college Him: i really like you Me: I think we should break up Him: wow ok bitch Me: on second thought Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes Informant: why? Me: for spilling the beans Informant: I didn’t- Me: shut your fern gully Informant: what Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy Informant: ok now you’re making these up Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur Oh, I see you like bad girls, I say as I lick the cheese off my Dorito and place it back in the bag. Dad: it’s time we had “the talk” Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka Dad: the what? Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles?? Dad: excuse me Me: slaying the vadragon?? Dad: what?!? Me: disappointing the wife Dad: oh sex, right Him: how are you doing? Me, worried that I talk about myself too much: THERE IS A TYPE OF ANT THAT CAN DETONATE ITS OWN HEAD AS A FINAL ACT IN BATTLE Her: so you’re rich?! Me: yeah ᶦⁿ ˢᵖᶦʳᶦᵗ Her: what? Me: I’m loaded ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉᵇᵗ Her: huh? Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud Featuring & more I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and Hostage negotiator: as a show of good faith we want you to *covers phone*- you sure? God: go on Hostage Negotiator: sacrifice your son [being attacked by zombie doctors] me: quick toss me an apple mr t: we already used one today! me: oh no *tosses mr t* it’s tee time bitches When my friend starts in with "oh hey did I tell you-" right during the best part of the movie Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait. Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?! *looks at wife, wife shakes her head Me: I’m not allowed *kicks dirt Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog: [harry potter at an interview] Interviewer: under accomplishments you wrote that you defeated lord voldemort when you were years-old Harry: yes, sir Interviewer: but you don’t have a college degree, yikes Him: i like you Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango [first day as a thief] Partner: i said valuables Me, carrying a cat: don’t listen to him kween helen meowen you’re the most valuable [first date] Him: what do you like? Me: I LOVE ANIMALS!!!! Him: why are you yelling Me, starting to cry: THEY’RE JUST SO INNOCENT AND PRECIOUS Him: *gets up to leave* Me: JUSTICE FOR HARAMBE Dating: “No you hang up!” “No you hang up!” “No you hang up!” “No you hang up!” Marriage: “No you shut up” “No you shut up” “No you shut up” “No you shut up” M&M customer service rep: how may i help you today? me: i paid good money for a bag of M&M's and all i got was this bag full of W's! i want a refund! Rep: have you tried flipping 'em upside down? [pause] me: what kind of witchcraft is this You’re not a disney princess you’re years old ladies: wanna attract a man who loves taking pictures with fish? well look no further Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen. [my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ Coworker: *crying* I had to put my cat to sleep. Me: Why are you crying? Cats love to sleep. Waiting for the day the tooth fairy comes for the rest of my bones [ant colony] husband: I am beat wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift ,000 times his body weight? wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY Mark regretted bargain shopping for a hand surgeon but he knew he would get used to it eventually. wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick JUDGE: I order you to pay$10,000 - do you understand? MARIO: JUDGE: it’s a fine MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
date: so what do you do? me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[buying a dog] hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like years or so
just saw a headline that said stomachs are in and boobs are out and i was like yeah, that’s the way bodies work dumbass
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles. Therapist: ...I gathered. Me: [screams]
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
genie: i will grant you any wish me: i wish soup was spelled like soop genie: [frowning] no
[in a world where "check" and "bitch" are swapped] me to waiter: bitch, please
Those times you looked out the car window and imagined you were in a music video would have made the shittiest music video in history.
just as the anesthesia kicks in you hear the doctor whisper to the nurse “imma stir his soup”
me: who is the teletubby whose boner had to be blurred out when it popped out of his furry trousers in season alex trebek: I haven’t even read the card yet
*pretending to get electrocuted while I shake his hand* divorce lawyer: ah you again
friend: have you seen my rollerblades? me: [slowly gliding towards him] I have not
accidentally whispered “dust me daddy” when the waiter offered me black pepper
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I’m no peta guy or whatnot but I do think it’s p fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
me [to my daughter]: forgiveness is the key to happiness. always be kind also me [to the man in front of me at the eress check out]: fucken seven cauliflowers is it? cauliflower ass sucker you motherfu
a space cowboy implies the existence of a space horse
[releases an anti-vaxxer into the sewer] go. you’re free now
no one talks about jesus’s step-brother brayden who turned water into smirnoff ice and was crucified on a jetski
me: do you think chewbacca has pecs or a trail of tiny teats like a piglet uber driver: why did you sit in the front
LOOK AT ME, she screamed from a tiny corner on a speck of dust circling a small star, one of billions in a galaxy, one of billions in space.
It’s hands. they use their hands.
Let your date know you’re cultured by taking her to the symphony and saying “oh okay cool they’re doing it that way” when the oboes kick in
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, eressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
creator of He-Man: muscles exec: yes creator: sword exec: yes! creator: he rides a tiger exec: fuck me jeff you’re killin it creator: bangs exec: ok
just met a baby named bruce and I am shook
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".
sometimes when I need inspiration I’ll sit back, turn off the thong song, and turn on the orchestral version of the thong song
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch kangaroos are wild. Imagine if a horse just started walking about on its back legs all day. it has a pocket! then it starts boxing me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony [the day after I meet a genie] boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today me: *loudly* oh wow so weird [first day as a anti-vaxxer] what if there were a way to be a self-satisfied moralizer AND murder kids whorecruxes me: sorry I opened my eyes while we were kissing, I just can’t believe this is real lol arresting officer: no it’s ok If you’re ever feeling lazy just remember that john carpenter directed the greatest horror movie ever made then decided to call it the thing I wrote about the weirdness of intimacy orgies and eye fuckery for It's nice that you guys are doing all these y=mx+b jokes but at some point we'll have to draw the line that's actually not true, made me why do people let me fucking tweet when I'm drunk her: I hate guys that buy single use plastics me *trying to impress her*: I rinse out my condoms Opinions are like assholes: I don't see Kyle's nearly enough crucifying manicures Europeans nail polish did you just subtweet me can someone give me some I swear I'll pay next week When it comes to arguing about calling them concentration camps, I’m anti-semantics. her: I can't believe you, my parents are furious me: I was curious about the soup her: you kept asking if the pea was stored in those balls I fucking hate me Trump supporters are boycotting Harvard. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That would be like me saying I’m boycotting sex with Keanu Reeves. do I know any Chad's OJ with twitter. Flat earthers My parents sailing during their divorce It's not the end of the world hey I need answers don't you dare fuck this one up Obscure For A Penny Zero Round Winners: Skunk Bag W W W Friend: Did you just say "the 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑚 before the storm"? Me: Yeah, you know, like "the oyster before the moisture" Friend: The what? Me: The flounder before the downpour Friend: Please stop Me: A beluga whale in a moderate gale HER: "I love animals, they're the best companions, they never fight with you." ME: "Yeah but they'll bite you. Have you ever heard of humans biting!?" MIKE TYSON: "Yeth" this has likes nobody fuck with it GOD: people are pissing me off, I'm gonna kill most of them with a flood NOAH: ok GOD: and you know how food that's good for you tastes good and food that's bad for you tastes bad? I'm switching that NOAH: aw c'mon man don't be a dick every time I talk to an american on this site I have to elain to them what all our Canadian slang means, things like "mickey" or "giver" or "please and thank you" carpe diem is latin for fish jeans I thought about shaving my beard and growing a personality yes or no her: I thought you hated your beard me: yeah but it grew on me her: please! stop! me *angrily drawing breath* her: that's not what I meant when I said you should try art Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling” Spanish pirate? Sea señor Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens Submarine crew: *screaming* Obscure For A Penny Zero Round Winners: Skunk Bag W W W I'm so attacked in the GC rn The only thing worse than oj with pulp is oj with knife You know how racist you gotta be to buy hot chocolate, in Texas, in JUNE for a wall?? i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell I wonder if this is why I have no friends look all I'm saying is thank Christ for global warming weird how surgery is like sex in that I've never had any does actually being an engineer make this joke better or worse "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped this was my first tweet to ever hit a thousand likes, and now look at me. still a fucking asshole "Do you like to swim?" I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again. This could be bus but you plane Fixing typos is my passion "Mom what do you mean my Twitter friends aren't real?!?" I yell at an old mop labeled mother. The wasteland was a rough place for my sanity. When I've had the hiccups for five minutes: ME: *Hugging Mother Nature* Sorry about destroying you MOTHER NATURE: Lol I'll be fine, you're the ones that will die ME: Oh yeah [First date at an aquarium] Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board Him: Me: SHARK-uterie Him: uhh Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation. well my Xmas shopping is done You can’t have success without first having the succ Nice nice When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track. If you pay a small fee this tweet might turn into a million dollars (00.01%) or a pile of garbage (99.99%) A jury of your peers is a completely misleading term since it's nearly impossible to find a dozen local kazoo enthusiasts who also enjoy stabbing. Sorry that I misinterpreted what you said It's just that I hate you and always think the worst me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. the economy: Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me. Me to me: I'm pretty garbage Someone complimenting me: You're so great Me: You're absolutely wrong Someone insulting me: You suck Me: Listen here you little shit I'm amazing [sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense I don’t know who needs to hear this but my superpower is using format tweets and it shows I can't believe so many people would quote tweet this Accountabilibuddies a new comedy short. Please watch and share with your friends! That’s a wrap for the first season of Klepper. I hope we get to do more. I was fortunate enough to travel this grand landscape we share and meet some remarkable people with stories of struggle and perseverance. In… … quitting caffeine has some unfortunate side effects, like headaches and telling everyone that you've quit caffeine This comment on the recipe for Katharine Hepburn's brownies is the most haunting short story I've read all year. The sound that tennis players make but I'm just picking my socks up off the floor. Here is an impression of a guy who is seeing "Wicked" for the first time when Elphaba says the titular line in the deviously underrated song, "No Good Deed". To everyone who says real estate’s easy Friend: Woah, major cutie walking up on your right. Me: Oh yeah, I see. Friend: You’re looking left. Me: (To Scottish Terrier wearing a raincoat) Mmm mmm mmm IT SHOULD EITHER BE: RESS DRESS FOR LESS OR ROSS DROSS FOR LOSS never forget that your personal eerience on twitter is representative of the world at large! . This is 'A Sports Commercial'. Translated for non-millennials: Total Fat = original Sodium = oh my god Hey, I co-host an NBA show on NBC Sports Chicago and everyone knows NBA + NBC = "Roundball Rock." How many RTs for us to be able to use immortal "Roundball Rock" as our intro? I didnt get much sleep last night and now all of you are gonna pay for it Season Finale of Klepper this week. Forgive me for the upcoming barrage of self promotion. I just want you to be docile and ingest ALL THE CONTENT. With the number of inside jokes I'm writing you'd think I was Carl. happy fathers day! here is a full minute of my dad starting his voicemails by telling me what time it is: My Dad pulls me aside on prom night: “Remember, of all the super heroes and villains, Magneto is the one you need to be worried about. All he needs is a little bit of metal. Iron is in your blood! YOU become the weapon! Anyway, what are you so dressed up for?” Happy Fathers Day Me: Why do I feel a constant, low-grade panic? It’s like my blood is carbonated. Also me: Yum yum let’s turn on twitter and see who’s yellin Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded? Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no (chopping up firewood) Friend: ah, gonna make a campfire? Me: no I fucking hate trees wait nobody’s funny on here anymore Bachelorette dates be like Girl: it’s so nice to get away Guy: so nice to get away Girl: this is all so crazy Guy: yeah it is crazy Girl: Guy: Girl: Guy: wait. to like, get away? Each year, the Guinness Book of World Records breaks its own record for the most Books of World Records ever recorded in the world Girl: I don’t date dudes under feet Me: Girl: but I do date dudes feet under Dead guy: Your random fact for the day is that every dog owner pretends they don’t look at their dogs butthole to gauge when they’re about to poop the year is . You just spent hours replaying Look At Me Now trying to memorize Busta Rhymes verse. Your buddies come over to play MW3 FFA on the Dome Map. There’s lots of Mountain Dew. life’s alright everyone knows Jesus can take the wheel but can he take my horse to the old town road Alexa play Never gonna give you up by Neil Fuckin Diamond Some of you really didn’t have moms & dads wake up for work at :30 then on the weekends wake up :34 and it shows has anyone ever heard the non-remix to ignition I’m gonna make a video on why Swell water bottles are quite possibly the worst product of all time Me: oh I see Wiz Khalifa is doing Oreo ads! I really like him, I wanna support what he does Me: *seconds later* bitch gimme the double stuff lol who names their son wiz People I hate: . Well . you . see, . hate . is . really a . strong . word . because . normal citizens that drive white Dodge Chargers thatdirtymike is on fire no one stop him thatdirtymike living in the Catholic Church would probably do better if they had free popcorn & pizza and called them Confession Stands Interviewer: *gathering papers* so any last questions? Me: *not moving a darn muscle* what if union was pronounced like onion Favorite things to do after work . Go the the gym . Watch Jeopardy alone in silence except for saying “I knew that” after every correct answer . Lying about going to the gym Top games fortnite football my dog chasing me around the house and I’m screaming like a toddler i can’t wait till I have some money and can finally afford some dental floss weird that the Patriots killed the Rams because I died of boredom Hey there Delilah I swear to god if you don’t tell me what it’s like in New York City right now I will be so pissed off yall r forreal + yrs old and u still hate tomatoes. like an infant. Like a small idiot child. grow up u moron losers It might sell gutters though *driving home from Wendy’s* “I’ll just have one fry” Commentator: (rising from backseat) and from then on he knew he was-*i hit him in the mouth with a shoe because he’s a stranger* Tonight I figured out that Bowling and roofing have gutters in common and that’s the most profound thought I’ve had in weeks, but that thoughts not gonna sell papers now is it sometimes i put ranch dressing in my coffee. i call it a hidden valley latte and it’s disgusting they: did surgery on a grape i: wanna have sex with the green M&M *checking snapchat* oh shit did it change years for everyone ghost hunter: is there a spirit here tonight ghost me: yeppers ghost hunter: did it just say fucking yeppers Friend: look I got camo crocs Me: nice crocs cool crocs sick crocs what crocs T Pain: I’m T Pain, u know me, what’s the chances of u rollin with me *somewhere in the crowd* actually i came with a friend so I don’t know u but u seem like a cool dude who I could potentially roll with my job pros: • money cons: • i hate it • everyone's suspicious of me because i started at the exact same time the mysterious fires began • spreadsheets Me: Jim's coming for dinner Wife: Jim from work or Jim who doesn't understand chicken broth? Jim: [walking in] wait do i smell meat tea [first glass of wine] mmm nice. let's listen to jazz [second glass of wine] *struggling to remove my sweatshirt* we should fuck on the roof It was in one of the last episodes, Gary says “those sandwiches aren’t gonna finger themselves” then leaves the room lol what's your favourite line in Veep? one of mine is when Amy walks in wearing a nightie and Dan says "those are your pajamas? that's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come." adults obsessed with Disney should have to notify the neighborhood when they move in. I don't know who needs to hear this but [podcast recording of me drunk grocery shopping] looks like these days everyone’s interested in Chernobyl but no one wants to *be* noble, makes you think “alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression. imagine going public as an antivax nutcase FOR NOTHING LMAO the film industry for women, queers, and people of colour: Goth kids haven’t brought shit to the game in over years. So crazy when I was young I thought a hundred dollar bill almost a magical object, worth more than I could comprehend. Now I use them every day to snort cocaine with. I am a cocaine addict. anxiety from having a metal set of dice go through airport security. A gun or a lighter or a knife I could elain. But a steel d20??? no way I want people to pay me to bully them but not in a hot way. Feeling so horny and nostalgic tonight that I might just give my pubes some frosted tips. Scorpio: We’re not going to sugar-coat this, you’re going to have to fight a goose for your lunch this week. None of u guys have been having sex with ur boyfriends right? Because we said we were all going on a sex strike. I haven’t fucked in months. But neither have any of you guys, right? Right??? Are you cunts fucking bent? if your job is arguing that sick kids should be made to sleep on freezing concrete you quit that job ME: I’m going to take some melatonin to help me sleep a little better MELATONIN: *in director’s chair* okay fucked up dream time - SO,,, you’re on a cruise ship that’s also a crashing airplane A pack of llamas is called a cria. A pack of camels is why your dad left. you called me a faggot in high school but you want me to rt your missing mom???!??! LMAOOOOOO Hi I noticed the Pride flag icon on your profile. So why are you allowing millionaire bigot Israel Folau - who continues to spew hate speech against the rainbow community - to use your platform to raise money to line his pockets?? I'll wait. Me playing with the baggage I should be leaving behind Every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is. I’m aging like a fine wine. In a basement, unappreciated by men my age. kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it stepped outside cuz i smelled farts. n a girl outside said “omg his farts smell so bad” and i said “omg i smelled it too it was so bad!!!” cuz i did smell it that’s why i stepped outside n she said “um that’s my husband.” then walked away. i can’t catch a fucken break man The human body is basically flavored water Maybe the people who drive in your blind spot are just shy i'm tired of the phrase "too bad" so from now on I'm saying "that's cactuses" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at :45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.” isn't it crazy how in other countries they call it "football", but here in America we have concentration camps your unemployed uncle who teaches you to write 'boobs' on a calculator the theme for next year's Met Gala is 'Slutty Depression' hello if you are not literally this cow right now but you are this cow emotionally I lost ,000 followers because I deactivated my account for hours. So that’s good... I can feel my soul leaving my body I just showered at the gym and the body wash dispenser in my stall was empty, but the person in the stall next to me must have heard me struggling with it so she dispensed some from her stall and slipped her hand under the stall for me to scoop out WHAT JUST HAPPENED Bout to do some comedaaayyyy and are the best, much better than me. I wish I could be as funny and attractive as them. Also, I smell moderately okay but not great Suppppppp Me:[forgetting the word for water] do you have any pee fuel am Me: g'nite Brain: g'nite Brain: oh I was thinking.. Me: here we go Brain: do you think Jason Bateman's Butler calls him Master Bateman? Me: please go to bed I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. Unfortunately it's Bazooka gum and I gotta replace it every seconds to keep the flavor. I won't be much help ME: [assembling a skeleton for Halloween] Neighbor: just fyi, (pointing at the tibia) that belongs at the end of the leg. Also, skeletons don't have a penis bone. "Listen guys, I won't sugarcoat it..." -inventor of rice cakes My new business card (•_•) <) )╯Professional / \ \(•_•) ( (> Cat / \ (•_•) <) )> Petter / \ [Winter is coming] Summer: please don't come just yet Winter: oops too late oooh aaah Summer: *sigh* Winter: *takes drag of cigarette* Her: I'm a bit kinky Me: (fantasizing of getting whipped by a belt with massive horse engraved buckle so that each whipping leaves a horse brand on my body) me too Brain: g'nite Me: g'nite Brain: where's the cat? He usually comes to snuggle Me: probably fell asleep somewhere Brain: what if he died Me: Brain: Me: FINE I'll go check FRIEND: what's new? ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company FRIEND: hertz? ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does [first time watching a DP porno] Oh boy, I'm excited to see Octopussy My business card is just a piece of toast. Guy on the bus keeps looking at the toast crumbs in my hair. This is how sex starts. *presses "close ad" but my finger barely touches the ad and the ad opens* My day is ruined Crushed red peppers are often not crushed and have simply lost the will to live. ME: How fresh is the "fresh octopus"? WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now. [shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark : i'm out shark : i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening I like my cookies medium rare you can get a trial lawyer for thirty days and then you have to subscribe MEANWHILE Why is it called an open-casket funeral and not "remains to be seen"? We have mastered particle physics, we can build a supercomputer that fits in your hand, but every time I squeeze a bottle of mustard it farts water all over my bread wtf science *shows date my bathtub* This is my cry pond Why is Magneto so attractive Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes. I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face REGULAR PERSON WATCHES A MOVIE: cool that was pretty entertaining FILM CRITIC WATCHES A MOVIE: that wasn't as deep as the pit at the core of my existence, /4 ME: I took a huge bong hit before I came here. DOCTOR: Hmm, yes, that elains the bong-shaped bruise on your face. As I work my way deeper into the sex dungeon I notice they have a McDonald's ball pit She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse? I call my signature sex move the "Do Not Resuscitate". Walmart greeter: sorry sir you can't come in looking like that Me: *adjusts jogging pants so that the awkward boner creates a tent* Walmart greeter: Enjoy your stay Pandas cannot fly. They are like penguins in that way. As a matter of fact all black and white animals are flightless (ex. zebras, orcas) Welcome to Literal Club. Everyone, please take a seat. No, no, put them all back you guys! Ugh, kill me now. NO NO WAIT IT'S JUST AN E [after one mild success] me: i am % unstoppable [after one mild failure] me: i may never work again PROFESSOR: Please don't speak without raising your h- ME: [raises hand] PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand "My dad can beam up your dad" - Scottie's son [my first day as a police sketch artist] POLICE CHIEF: again, the tiny body riding a surfboard is not necessary whoever has my voodoo doll please stop making me put my hands above my head. i work at a ceiling fan store and the ceilings are very low [the newlywed game] Bob Eubanks: What drink describes your wife on your wedding night? Me:*lips on mic* Drinks can't talk, idiot *cut to commercial* Me in my ’s: Sure lets go out! It’s only :00! Me in my ’s: I don’t even have friends anymore. Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless. Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I'm I have very low eectations; so just know if you disappoint me, you've really fucked some shit up. She is tired for reasons she can't elain and in ways you'll never understand. Get in loser. It’s a perfect night for star gazing, blasting the music, and perhaps starting a new life somewhere else. All any of us want, is to think that we made a difference. She was a breath of fresh air, the first day of all of your summers. I'm an apathetic fairy... and I have broken wings... but Twitter will still love me , right? PSA: If you are new to Twitter be very careful, you might meet your worst enemy and your best friend on the same day. The only thing I'm even remotely concerned about is panty lines. Another day Sun rises but no light Hidden in clouds Like life No song Not joy No strength No honor No legacy Nothing to show a life Lived for nothing Lived for no one Empty and forgotten A life in error Never should have happened Punishment for sin Forever in Hell Alone Too many people seem to treat their religion as some super power that helps them get ahead and oppress the other humans they don't like. This makes it an anti-social institution. Not cool, not Ok. Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back. You’re first mistake is thinking this place is a safe place. Your second mistake is believing people. This is a PSA Facebook: Go home, you’re drunk. Twitter: You’re drunk. Welcome home! Hercules being tasked with kidnapping Cerberus was the original triple dog dare If you keep throwing water at the thirsty girls, I'll keep throwing sponges. Emotional intelligence sounds a lot like an oxymoron to me Today is definitely a three finger day. It’s National Compliment Day. So here goes. *clears throat Some of you are not so bad. Today is the day I force my enemies to battle for the title of Arch Nemesis. One day y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶p̶r̶i̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ she saved herself. yes, there are five stages of grief, but if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-start, you get access to the hidden levels Can't. Replying "What do you want?" to all the "Hi" and "Heyyy" DMs. I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town. one way to get their attention is to use the words stigma & stigmata interchangeably. be lavish, not bewildering if we elect a gay male president, his partner is not a first lady. stop projecting your male/female relationship dynamics on to gay men. its homophobic. there is no "woman" in the relationship. that's kind of the point. its men attracted to men. Put on your crotchless denim panties, babygirl, things are about to get very sexual in the double wide. Every day I don’t slip out of the work parking lot at lunchtime to start a new life kills me a little more inside. I’d eat healthier but if I’m not having sex I see no reason to try to live longer. Nobody: Me: We all have this tiny memory of being safe, warm, and cared for, before we are violently eelled into the world. We spend our lives trying to find that again, because our first feeling after being born, must be utter terror. If he has a lazy eye, he’s probably seeing someone on the side. I made the final lease payment on my car or as I like to think of it "I now own my apartment outright". Trying to bring back the phrase.. Fuddy duddy. Mainly to describe myself. Yes, I’m old news. Now get the fuck off my lawn. I flex on life by going to bed when it’s still light outside Well well well. If it isn’t that poor choice I can’t stop repeatedly making. “Over your dead body” isn’t a threat, it’s more like an invitation. Sorry cam girls but unless you're live streaming a brisket slow cooking, I'm out. I once kissed an Australian boy in a Cancun Sushi Bar. So yes, I am a bit of a world traveler. If you choose anything today, choose to be kind. Indulging in the fabric of time listening to music. My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING I didn’t want to walk blocks, so I took a bus. But then I was embarrassed that I took a bus to go blocks, so when we got to my stop I shouted “Oh no!” and jumped off, like something horrible happened and my plans to continue riding had been forced to change. Anyone can be your therapist if you trap them in the elevator for long enough. FIREMAN: Aww, he get stuck in the tree again? HER: Yeah. FIREMAN: It’s okay, we’ll get him. *Whistles* Here boy, come on, we gotcha! ME: *Hugging branch* My name is Andrew and your tone feels condescending. ME: hm, money’s a little tight this month MONEY-SAVING APP: it looks here like you could save a lot by cutting out rent. have you tried being homeless? PLEASE STOP COMING HERE, IT IS WAY TOO CROWDED. IF YOU ARE GOING TO COME ANYWAYS, PLEASE CONSIDER DATING ME AS NO ONE ALREADY HERE WILL. Me: I’ll have your badge for this!! Girl Scout: *crying* I’m sorry, mister. I don’t have anymore thin mints. I can't remember what I used to hold in my hand before cell phones were a thing... Pop-Tarts? A wand? LEADER OF FEUDAL REBELLION: We will bow before no man! ME (needs to tie my shoe): Oh no. I'm okay with not having a boyfriend cuz a homeless man said I would be pretty if I didn't look so sad, and I think that's the same thing? Shoot for the moon! That way when you miss, you might end up on another planet that doesn’t have so many idiots on it. If I said: “Girls what’s my weakness?” and all my female friends/colleagues yelled it out in unison, I’d be emotionally devastated for weeks. We don’t give Salt-N/or-Pepa enough credit for their strength. If money can’t buy happiness then why do I have such a huge smile on my face while I chase my dog around the yard with a drone My iphone is able to read my dogs mind!!!!!!!! !! Any song can be a love song if you sing it to your dog. I’m real, real single. It’s unhealthy to eat after pm so I have minutes to eat this whole pie. John Lennon: imagine all the people Me: John music has progressed we are imagining dragons now ME: -anyways I’ve talked enough about my weekend plans, what about you guys? KIDNAPPER: How does he keep getting out of his gag Sometimes I wonder why I'm single. Other times I ask my dog "are you mad at me?" eighty times in a row and I know why. ME: I'll have the steak, medium-rare please WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side? ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate Dating tip: Before you think he's attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think... is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna? Had a first date and he invited my dog to come along, and I honestly have no idea who had the better connection with him Not to sound too egotistical, but I’m clearly the most mature person crying in this Chuck E Cheese ball pit. I'm going to take that as a compliment because I wasn't really listening. I just have to get through this week and every week after until I’m dead. Me: I'm a cancer Them: oh, are you into astrology? Me: what You think your day was bad? My dog doesn’t have hands, he can’t even pour his own cereal or fight off my hugs. French fries lose value as soon as you drive off the lot A Joker with no Batman in sight is actually a pretty good metaphor for . [sun rising] ROOSTER: *clearing throat* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH “OMG DON’T TALK TO ME WHILE I’M WATCHING THE WALKING DEAD!” I yell at nobody, because I have no friends My secret to making sure dogs and boys like me is that I always have a meatball sub in my purse. *House hunting with my boyfriend* Me: IT’S PERFECT! Boyfriend: We’re in a Krispy Kreme parking lot. Also I’m your Uber driver. I wish I was a bear, I'd be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud? It’s , you randomly think about a pineapple. Your doorbell rings, it’s an Amazon drone with a pineapple. You begrudgingly accept the pineapple. Behind the first drone you see more drones coming, all with pineapples. “We heard you like pineapples,” they say. I won't get married until gays can get married WORLD-WIDE and then maybe not til a few years after that cuz men just do not want to marry me ME: Some would call me a mathematician HER: Who calls you that? ME: Myself HER: So not some ME: *whipping out my calculator* “Sum” you say? My dog would never be late to pick me up for a date. wife: Are you ready to go? me [showing the dog how to use the remote] Almost [taco bell am] *lethally stoned* me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras” My sister is showing off a huge diamond pendant with matching earrings at this party. I brought extra red solo cups in my bag. One of us has to be adopted. If the intensity of your eye roll isn’t equal to a thousand tiny earthquakes, allow me to demonstrate. I've pretended to be asleep so I didn't have to talk to anyone more than I care to admit [GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust. No no no, you go first. It’s your water slide. Officer: Ma’am this is a sobriety test. And that’s a storm drain. Every time I need to mask the terrible taste of a corona, a corona gets it's lime. Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"? her: it’s the third date me: you know what that means her: yep me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles *gets over myself *applies for sainthood I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store. Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo. It was just a hamburger, but it grew and soon it had eyes and a mouth. When it grew a body, I started praying. When they made it Mayor, I started questioning everything. Let's face it, if Shakespeare were here right now... there'd be some asshole correcting his grammar. My second job is killing me, but I can't survive without it. So, you see my dilemma. me: you’re dumping me? her: you can’t keep my name straight r e me: but a g r t I love you! m a her: that’s not my name Masturbation is great if you can pull it off Not mature enough to ever hear hung jury The washer and dryer finished at the same time, so now they’re cuddling and sharing a cigarette. Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma. Brain: Don’t make this weird Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos I wish subtweets were just tweets about delicious subs. People who ask me to look after their plants while they’re away must assume I got my nickname, Cactus Killer, ironically. Family size bags of Doritos are half price in this store today, and I know a sign when I see one. [at work, am] the new guy: *walks up* Hi! Can I ask you a question? me: *staring out the window, stirring my morning coffee with a slice of bacon* the new guy: *backs away* Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza [ant colony] husband: I am beat wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift ,000 times his body weight? wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY Guy: *sends dick pic* Me: do you seriously not have sheets on your bed good god get it together man we’re not in college Get in, loser. We're gonna tie a bunch of balloons to this house and float away together. Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing. I’m going to bed with the same number of kids as I had when I woke up. I won parenting for today. Actually, I better go check [sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense early morning is the best time to go to the beach to watch the sun come up and you can pick the best stuff out of the hobo's shopping carts while they're still passed out I’m sorry. professor x: what's your power? me: i can summon dogs professor x: stupid power me: [suddenly holding a tiny puppy] let's go buddy, he doesn't want us professor x: wait Spectator sounds like a really tiny potato Dr. Katie Bouman developed the algorithm that captured the first image of a black hole. Meanwhile, I just choked on my own saliva. I'm a cow boy/ on a grass field I ride/ I'm wanted, WANTED/ for milk, meat and hide Me: so you know my friend Cliff? So the other day I’m at his place, and I go to put my coat in his closet Her: Me: Her: and..? Me: Her: Me: I’ll tell you next week My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war. me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute. therapist: let’s talk about your father me: no when you try to be more positive but darkness follows you everywhere when you finally read a classic book but it sucks ass when you start eating healthy and taking care of yourself out of spite IT'S CALLED THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS, SUSAN · my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies my new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories i can post online If octopuses can open jars from the inside why don't they include an octopus in food that comes in jars? First, it would make jars easier to open for elders who are living alone. Second, jobs for octopuses. wiccan and juggalo are the same thing. they just announced it on the News If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within minutes you can assume I am dead. Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achilles' Horse. me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens me: i knew it [first date] me: [after minutes of silence] you think my cat is mad at me because I spend all day at work while he’s at home aging unfairly fast? Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards? at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer earth: I’m dying humans: I’m sorry you feel that way [me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious Me as a teacher: ok who can tell me how to solve the problem on the board? Student: it just says “I’m lonely” life’s strange. one day you’re a kid who knows nothing and wears ridiculous outfits; the next, you’re an adult who knows nothing and still wears ridiculous outfits U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said when u a thicc colonist robber *pointing gun*: Reach for the sky! me *crying*: That's the encouragement I needed growing up robber: You can do anything *we kiss* Pictures Story Ich komm uneingeladen auf deine Party in diesem Kostüm und sag „das Licht war an“. typing an entire rant and deciding not to press tweet this is the worst thing i've seen posted all year. JFC I want this to be said to me before I get out of bed every morning. This is everything I want GUYS ED SHEERAN GOT HOT me when someone tries to get to know me i once dated a guy legally named Emo and i once dated a guy who had an anatomically accurate heart tattooed on his dickhead, but by far my worst ex was the one who referred to toilet paper as “shit tickets” Wild Saturday night plans? Well, I’m glad you asked. I want to go out and stay up late with my friends, but I also want to sleep for hours. So what I’m going to do instead is stay up late, completely alone, and make sure that none of my competing priorities win. You??? WE ARE UNIONIZED! CONGRATS TO THE BOJACK HORSEMAN CREW!!! The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck Gimlet had a talent show, this is my talent me: I need a sick note for work doctor: ok, I'll do it graffiti style . is trying to prevent freelancers from sharing their rates, and we won't stand for it. Send us the rates Vox websites have offered you and we'll share them here anonymously: freelancejournalists.org [kindly old person feeding bread to ducks in the pond] me: *punching them straight into the sun* USE CORN NEXT TIME ME, : I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency ME, : I want a big house with an attractive spouse & a big pile of money ME, : I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency Me relying on my extroverted friend in social situations: my mom: what are you smiling at on your phone? is it a boy? my phone: y’all are like “omg i wanna see men in crop tops! more men wearing eyeliner!” well u know what i wanna see men in?? therapy. learn to process ur emotions please [at a party] Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know Me: idk how to play, can of you yell the different rules at me all at once? Son: Dad, why do you wear shirts with no sleeves out in public? Me: Well, you see son. I’m a piece of shit. me: want me pee on you her: no that’s jellyfish me: what’s this about jellyfish her: *calmly* I just got stung by a bee me: are you sure because I’d be crying Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: *remote control out of reach* I guess not. Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker? Me: I don’t even like spending more than$10 on a haircut
DETECTIVE: Anyone move the body? COP: No, sir D: But, he's wearing frames without lenses C: That's how we found him D: [kicks body] Piece a shit
Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza
heyy gurl, are u a Trader Joe’s parking lot? cuz u are lookin tight but ultimately not worth the stress.
{animal dies in a movie} this is the saddest thing I've ever seen {robot dies in a movie} omg it's just a robot why am I crying {human dies in a movie} lmao bye bitch
[date at applebees] waiter: what'll it be? her: I'll have the apple me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
congrats to for making laugh the hardest
Interviewer - any weaknesses? Me - sometimes I'm ill prepared Interviewer - can you give an example? Me - what, now?
the first rule of foo fight club is don’t be a monkey wrench
nipples are just boob straws
i got to regret right now im feelin this my bowels are a raging bull im feelin this let me go in the bathroom im feelin this i want to take of my clothes im feelin this show me the way to the john im feelin this this burrito does not approve im feelin this
I hope the guy behind me at this bank appreciates my artwork
i drive everywhere in earmuffs with the horn jammed on, but if you piss me off i'll unjam the horn and give you the silent treatment.
Me: I’d kill for a donut Mob boss: you’re hired
Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait.
I like doing edibles in public because people around me have to wonder why some guy just took a bite of a chocolate bar, put it away, and then start eating a different chocolate bar.
[in the middle of a work meeting] ah fuck I just realized I’m wearing my cum sock
[to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle] Mark Hoppus
friend: you need to stop eating chips me: listen I know they’re not the best for me but I’ll live how I want Casino security: seriously, stop
I just found out this was a hi-five emoji and not praying hands. People out here dying and I'm giving hi-fives.
[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ
[job interview] me: i always give % principal: we can’t have that
Me: As you'll see in my resume, there's a small gap in my employment history. Interviewer: You mean this cigarette burn? Me: Yes that's it.
Twitter is my Walmart: I make fun of you but I’m here too.
[Interview] Manager: Jay, where do you see yourself in - years? Me: Well. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure Manager: There are no wrong answers Me: Well, then I guess in mirrors. I don't see those being replaced in that time. Manager: Okay. There is wrong answer
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization? Me: I'd use the elevators Hiring Manager: Me: Elevators, Sir.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what eerience do you have in the field? Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir BOSS: no, you’re just terrible at this job
Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Punctuality Interviewer: Weaknesses? Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE
me: do you have a favorite book her: me: that’s too many
Snapple says it's made from the best stuff on Earth, but it certainly doesn't *taste* like cocaine and pussy...
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness? ACHILLES: Well I guess I work too hard.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant? Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and- Boss: WORK-related questions
INTERVIEWER: do u consider urself independent ME: *looks at mom in chair behind me* MOM: *nods* ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*
Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor
LAWYER: due to concerns of body shaming *puts hand on Bigfoot's back* my client asks that he please be referred to by his given name, Colin
KID: I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a Coke with my name on it MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
PASTOR: I hope you enjoyed our hipper, more modern Sunday service ME: the band playing "Amazing Grace ft Pitbull" was a little much imo
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
"Dad, do you have to be so frugal?" "Shut up and eat your Boof™ brand imitation beef."
ME: revise my plea? Why? JUDGE: read it back RECORDER: defendant said "cauliflower is just white broccoli" ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
ME: *singing all the harmonies from ‘As Long As You Love Me’ by the Backstreet Boys all by myself* LAWYER: sir please answer the question JUDGE: let him finish, anthony. This is incredible
me: talk to my lawyer judge: ur lawyer is a mop with a face painted on it me: ya she's my girlfriend too judge: nice me: thank u we r happy
you: bastard me: you just did you: I'm not going to do that me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[teaching proper condom usage] me: ok so you put it in your wallet and leave it there for years
dood | boob —————— qooq | poop
[planning my own birthday party] ME: how much for a giraffe wearing a bow tie? PETTING ZOO OWNER: $1200 ME: ok how much for a giraffe but without the bow tie? PETTING ZOO OWNER: still$1200 ME (after seconds of silence): tell you what...just send me the free bow tie
Me: sorry I couldn't write the whole name, I ran out of frosting. Widow: *crying* why would you use frosting on a gravestone?
You've been hit by You've been struck by A large vehicle
music store clerk, after an hour or so: Can I help you? me, still can’t remember the word ‘castanets’: I’d like your finest applause clams.
Oh you say “crime doesn’t pay” well tell that to the person that just stole my wallet filled with thinly sliced lunch meat.
[at Jurassic park] TOUR GUIDE: *finishing an immaculate minute presentation on the preservation of the park’s wildlife* any questions? ME: *crunching on an apple* ya how big is a brontosaurus dick
[On the Oregon trail] Doctor: You have dysentery Me: Yeah I had that before we left
Want to watch the from these seats? RT for a chance to win.
Passive Aggression Against the Machine
Everyone at this reptile convention figured out my ponytail is a clip on and it’s not good.
Me: [Lying on therapist couch] people keep saying I'm creepy Therapist: [in bathrobe] how do you know where I live?
[bringing two eggs into the amusement park] Three tickets for the Scrambler, please.
[circus] BIGFOOT: *does amazing minute long juggling act* Ta Da! VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE: SHOW US YOUR FEET ALREADY!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna? me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“These tweets don’t write themselves” I say, placing a large amount of Scrabble tiles in a blender
WHOPPER: i want to introduce you to my son WHOPPER JR: what’s up ME: nice to meet you. do you have kids of your own? WHOPPER JR: uhh WHOPPER THE RD (illegitimate): acknowledge me, im begging you
Me Me Me horrific laboratory eeriment gone bad
ME: (throwing pebbles at a window) Open the window so I may gaze upon the, m’lady. MCDONALD’S DRIVE THRU: Aren’t you the guy that asks for a medium cup full of bbq sauce. ME: (tries to bow but the seatbelt chokes me)
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date] Date: Wow your knee is huge
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise* Me: oh shit Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise* [From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars* Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[group tour of the zoo] ZOOKEEPER: right over there you’ll see the last three remaining ocelots on this continent ME: *under my breath* oce-few
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me cans instead of ): same
Me: Internet: here’s an ad for something you thought of seconds ago
Schrödinger paid so much attention to his cat, that Schrödinger’s dog was alive on the outside and dead on the inside.
The year is and the only media outlet in America with a decent moral compass is... a knitting website. Yarn forward my friends, you’re clearly purls.
sorry hermione but why did you spend the Yule ball hung up on Ron when you could have been banging Krum, you played yourself
If there has ever been a better picture taken than this egg ghost that’s scared of its own yellow egg boobs, I’m yet to see it.
Sewing fake pockets in to women’s clothing is a hate crime.
I love arguing this with British people. I tell them, as a fluent Irish speaker, that the language is called Irish... And then they tell me I’m wrong. So sweet of them.
If you think today is the longest day of the year, you’ve never been to one of my mother’s birthdays.
They’re best friends!
My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at :30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.
My hair dryer needs to be turned on and off four times before it will work and now I know what a burden it must be to have sex with me.
Really enjoying all the contrarian takes of why “grabbing a woman engaged in an entirely peaceful protest by the neck” is actually VERY cool and in no way evidence that Mark Field is a fucking weird, violent man
A male Tory MP attacking a peaceful female climate protestor on the eve of Boris Johnson being “voted” PM by a fucking gout ward of hedge fund managers with names like Geoffrey Covington-Plopp is a disgusting yet unsurprising snapshot of a sclerotic, dying party.
ok we promise not to make any more
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If two friends are named Nathan and they don't call themselves United Nathans then I don't know what's the point of anything.
couldn’t sleep because I realized winnie the pooh and jack the ripper have the same middle names
Even though I adore Little Women I wonder if white people need another movie
Imagine being the Minister for Magic, and having to introduce yourself to the new muggle prime minister. You step out of the marble fireplace and... Ugh! It’s Boris Johnson. Muggliest of all the muggles. You’d Obliviate yourself right there on the spot.
I just heard some woman refer to someone as “the human equivalent of an escape room” and fuck if we don’t all know that person
feel sorry for those whales only getting to eat tiny food all the time. all day sucking those dusty little fish through their teeth. just crumbs. no kind of life
My mother-in-law wore a wedding dress to my wedding. So, yeah, top that one, Twitter.
I just called the lead up to a football match “the prologue”, if anyone was wondering if I’ve forgotten my wanky theatre roots.
i never in my life thought i’d see michelle obama hit harry styles in the dick with a dodgeball but hey god works in mysterious ways
The ITV comedy writers room story is the latest example of how the news frames anyone attempting inclusion. It's never framed as letting people in, which is what the policy is doing, it's always framed as keeping people out who aren't actually being kept out.
New Boy Band “No Direction “
wanna be rich enough so i can hold my laptop like this
I've seen all the usual 'token female' crap on twitter today and I just wanted to say that as someone who wrote on all three series of Celebability, the show was undoubtedly better for having on the team.
Who do you think likes attention more- President Donald Trump, or people who announce on Facebook that they’re going to do a Facebook cull?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple? ME: it's strange, weird, and it doesn't look good—your lyrics couldn't be more clear about this
actually you can only call it Gatorade if it was made in the Gatorade region of France
Two identical photos of me after a week in the sun.
Hello the media, hope you’re all listening. With headlines like “bans all male writer’s room” you open the floodgates for shit comments from idiots making the leap that women aren’t good enough to be in those rooms & we all spend a day being reminded that we’re seen as inferior.
Ppl don’t need to lose their minds over this. Anyone, male or female, who isn’t good enough to do this job won’t survive long. This is about the people that hire writers giving equal opportunities in a writers’ room so women can show what they can do.
There seems to be some misunderstanding about what a writers room is. They are, most often, a group of several writers put together to feed a sketch or ents show. This initiative is just ensuring this hiring is more gender equal. It’s a good thing. Also rocks!
Gary, you poor thing. Hope ur OK Hun. (Thanks for shedding light on this injustice )
My mentions would suggest that today is a WONDERFUL day to re-share this sketch I co-wrote with
Writing hack: Just name your characters after whoever emailed you last... It’s quick, you don’t have to think about it, and your protagonist will love being called “HMRC Self Assessment”
Ahhhhh! Absolutely honoured to be immortalised by the legendary Thank you! Xx
The problem with trying to find a decent human being to be leader of the Conservative Party, is that the only pool we have to select from... is the Conservative Party.
Meta-imposter syndrome: When you know a lot of people have imposter syndrome, but you've witnessed how competent they are. So they're not like you, the real imposter.
Doctor: You have Twitter wrist. Me: Is it tweetable?
Waze: there's an animal in the road". This isn't helpful, only invites questions. Alive? Dead? Type? On the side, in the middle? Didn't know to speed up, slow down, pull over. So, confused, I just got out, laid in the road. Realized I had turned on self fulfilling prophecy mode.
*puts strawberry quick flavored milk in my cocoa crisp...* fu, what do you care what I put in my cocoa crispys? go be creepy somewhere else.
Milk Bones vs Rachel Ray dog treats. Maybe if Rachel put cocaine in her treats.
idk, i think palmolive could've cleaned those ducks.
Early morning dueling banjos of neighbor’s roosters crowing followed by a woodpecker pounding on my gutter. Hashtag hillbilly life
me: napkins clean up spills her: me: so do dogs her: me: so dogs are napkins her: no me: *wiping my mouth with a dog* pay attention Jen
Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
roaches are crunchy. just like robots. coincidence? I think not. stay vigilant.
Dude, I totally had sex with your sister. [Me, to my brother-in-law]
Some people you can tell will be a good follow just by their pinned tweet. fits the criteria.
Me, in the first ten months of Twitter: "What if I offend anyone when I re/tweet that? What if I lose followers over those lewd jokes?" Me, now:
Didn’t know it was possible to make an alien look, well, alien, but alas
ME: I wish I could fly GENIE: Granted! ME: [hovering just high enough to get hit in the face by umbrellas] I hate you
You and I should have hooked up, raised a couple of kids together and went our separate ways years ago.
I finally made an appointment with my doctor to have this LIVESTRONG band removed from my wrist.
Genie: That was your third and final wish. If you would be so kind... ____________________________ | PLEASE RATE ME | | Tell me how I did. | | | |____________________________|
I’m an untrained artist with little to no ability, but if you reply I’d be happy to draw an awful version of your avi.
What if bacteria were sentient beings... and that pimple you just popped held the meaning of creation.
Have you noticed she says she’s getting her hair done, but it never seems to be finished? Maybe keep an eye on that.
After reading Friday Night Drunk Tweets you begin to understand why Weekend Tweets are the way they are.
There once was a fellow named Blake Who stuck his dick into a cake "You called it crumb cake; I thought I heard cum cake -- So it was an honest mistake."
two bros walking together, both trying to be the one in the middle
FROOTCAKE FRIDAY featuring: Tickle my froots and they might tickle back: … then send us your best (1) of the week & a very good one from a friend
but you did tho
My wife shopping: spending, spending, spendING, SPENDING! SPENDING! SPENDING! ˢᵖᵉⁿᵈᶦⁿᵍ! ˢᵖᵉⁿᵈᶦⁿᵍ! spent.
Scurvy dogs hate limes.
My obsession with lime is about green more than citrus. *Sips more gin.
Host: The correct answer was Key-ah-gnu Leaves. I'm sure they would have gotten it Host's wife: *running after our car pleading for us to take her*
To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.
Chicken stock is on the rise. It’s a conspiracy by Big Broth-er.
My yo was poking at my teeth with his finger and straight up just asked “daddy, what dat mouf do?”
Interviewer: What position do you see yourself in the next years? My Brain: Don’t say fetal...don’t say fetal Me: Standing tall with good posture.
Host: *draws a , the letter "A", a and * Wife: Get the keys it's time to go. Host: Incorr... Us: *halfway out of their driveway*
Me: My name ends with an "a" not an "e". Him: It's just one letter. What's the big deal? Me: Sure, Boob. Him: Me: It's just one letter.
Please stop using chlamydia as an excuse for not having sex. Clams are sensitive enough.
Yes I iron my jeans... because I'm a badass... and I do what I'm told.
*Fire whistle goes off* Me: Dammit, the Iranians are here already. Thought I'd have more time.
% of all math problems could have been resolved by giving your math instructor % of your attention. The remaining percentages can't be fixed because you're dumb.
Underwear so tight I've got Marty Feldman eyes. ~Youngsters, Marty Feldman was an actor/comedian/writer known for his prominent, misaligned eyes. You may remember him as Igor, from the Mel Brooks classic, Young Frankenstein.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over] Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok? Him: ya that's fine! *I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop* Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before
Blowjob tennis advice match meet-up Don't forget the balls
Penis, penwas, penalways will be
I don't know who needs to hear this but, you haven't pooped in two days, take a senna
[First date at an aquarium] Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board Him: Me: SHARK-uterie Him: uhh Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ
What if testicles was pronounced like a Greek name
me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*
Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog:
Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango
He found a clam! A CLAM!!!
Love that Roy Moore is forcing himself on people who don't want him there, shows a real consistency
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
gf: house hunting is so boring me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there's not much of a challenge to it
*handing nurse a bedpan* Me: I pooped in this Nurse: you're not a patient here
pls enjoy boomer in a raccoon hat being a raccoon in a raccoon hat
Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body. Me: *with chalk* I. The head A. The face . Eyes . Nose . Mouth a. Teeth
Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue
Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:
professor x: what’s your power? me: i’m dummy thicc professor x: that’s stupid please leave me: ok [turns around to start walking, eing my juicy dumper] professor x: wait
Myself, Lil B-Hop, and starring in a Netflix Original about boxing. June th!
If you’ve got a cup holder in your bathroom, you’re likely an alcoholic. ...but you’re also efficient.
Packing* for Vegas tomorrow. *procrastinating until tomorrow
If you can’t approach her sober in public, don’t swipe right on her.
Disney is coming for Netflix. I’m curious to how this is going to play out. I’m looking for Amazon Prime Video to take a creative approach to catch-up.
Old women are dying their hair blond. Young women are dying their hair grey.
Don’t invite Thanos to the party!
Do you not see what I legally changed my last name to?!?!
It’s scary when you realize that these children eventually grew up to become politicians.
I do a free speech (Title I school/BBBS/BGC) for each paid engagement I schedule. I only ask for a testimonial. I did a free talk at school at no cost. The principal denied me the promised testimonial because I retweeted a tweet. The audacity lol
Don’t Let Someone Else’s Program Become Yours. You are your own person. You are in control of your destiny. Don’t Forget That.
For an athlete who desires to be the best. Just enough, is rarely enough. More than enough tends to be just enough.
How to tell if someone is truly successful or if they’re ‘faking the funk’: If they seem overly concerned with ensuring the people around them become successful, they’re genuinely successful. If they have the famine mentality, they’re ‘faking the funk’.
Teachers aren’t even allowed raise their voices. They don’t make nearly enough.
I cannot, in good faith, suggest college as a path teenagers. Society has become a joke.
Nah, the Big Pharma makes money by prescribing adderall to children. Parents opt to have zombie’d out kids holding iPads so they don’t have to interact with their children.
Get right emotionally Get right physically Get right financially They are all connected
If Adderall is essentially diet-meth, and make you really productive, why aren’t meth-heads much more successful?
Yo , this the garlic trick x
They make meth in pill form (adderall)...but there has been no innovations for crack
Time flexibility makes $30k feel like a million bucks. The Juice Spotify thinks you can’t handle rap battle ‘beef’ I just subscribed. Keep killing it! I don't think I've ever cried laughing listening to a podcast. is the funniest person I've ever heard. She seems like the sweetest person ever...but still gangsta af lol Is ignorance to danger a good thing? Bout to have my morning coffee with a peanut butter sandwich. Yes, of course my peanut butter is creamy. And here lies democracy’s greatest flaw. Damn, women had/have it tough Congrats to on her KO! I hope to never have such an epic match. We can’t avoid the ‘pecking order’, we can only work to better our position. STOP. Imagine all of the Golden smiles. Continue on with you day. Good luck to tonight! Kill it! “What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualisation.” –- Abraham Maslow I start my day with a peanut butter sandwich and coffee. Its a good start to the day! You hear the term “fee integrity” often in the speaking world. Here are some things to consider: - most speakers lie about what they actually make - making something is better than nothing - I charge based on how much I WANT to do the gig - Do it for free b4 you do it for cheap It shouldn’t be “pot vs. alcohol”. Most people I know partake in both simultaneously. It’s best to stay away from both for recreational purposes. They’ll have a difficult time topping these numbers. … I think I’m going to sneak a burrito into the theater in my blanket and watch Aladdin solo tonight. Then maybe they shouldn’t have called it a HIGHway, Mike! *spits out cauliflower beer* RAISINS?! Based on your memory of the song, Old Dan Tucker was... [ordering from the dollar menu] me: I'll have dollars plz NON-CREEPY LYRICS: "You're just like an angel." TOTALLY CREEPY LYRICS: "Your skin makes me cry." only slim jims were made in and they just sit in gas stations I only drink thicc water, but sometimes I get thiccups New app idea it's called Scratchr and it's for reciprocating back scratches. Me: please, I’ve tried everything Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware ME: What's that on your wrist? CO-WORKER: It's a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I've taken throughout the day. ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm* CW: That's just a regular watch. ME: I know...it tells me how many hours I've got left until bedtime. He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before “Oh beans” but said sensually Of all the suburban snakes the garter snake holds up my compression stockings the best Upon further examination, I've come to the conclusion that the bee matriarchy must be overthrown. The Queen Bee forces ALL her subjects to be WORKERS. The Queen Bee is ruining CHILDHOODS! THIS HEINOUS SYSTEM MUST BE DEPOSED!!!!! So I said “What about Signs with Mel Gibson?” She said “I think I remember that film and- The aliens ran through a dewy wet corn field” And I said “Well there’s the hole in that plot” Bwaaa dada da da dooo Spider-Man: *does whatever* A spider: *can spin a web any size* waiter: i'll be right back with your drinks diner: hey we were drinking those anyone need help opening a pickle jar? “Brunch” is American for French toast [ant colony] husband: I am beat wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift ,000 times his body weight? wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY DIETING TIP: Crying while eating your salad at lunch can burn an extra nineteen calories and you lose excess water weight Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma. blue jean baybay LA baybay seamstress for the baybay... Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone Me: that’s what cell phones are for uck DETECTIVE: Anyone move the body? COP: No, sir D: But, he's wearing frames without lenses C: That's how we found him D: [kicks body] Piece a shit WAITER: what can I get you? ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he's having WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly* I always put the shopping carts back at the grocery store. I want the single moms to know I’m one of the good guys just in case I’m ever back on the market. me: you’re dumping me? her: you can’t keep my name straight r e me: but a g r t I love you! m a her: that’s not my name There is truth in wine. I drink whisky. I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now. genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my dog could talk genie: done me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes COP: any drugs on u? ME: on or in? COP: what ME: what Dad: it’s time we had “the talk” Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka Dad: the what? Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles?? Dad: excuse me Me: slaying the vadragon?? Dad: what?!? Me: disappointing the wife Dad: oh sex, right George Harri: here comes the son George Harrison: This day in history. . Pluto's recently discovered moons are officially named Nix and Moony McMoonwagon. my friend: hey are you coming to my party tonight, it will be fun me: so sorry, I had fun three weeks ago and honestly I’m still recovering from a roller coaster of emotions [making a new friend] her: wanna hang out sometime me: holy crap this is going too fast can you dial it back a little [before the test drive] him: try to play it cool this time me: no prob [during the test drive] me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck [playing Clue] it was cholesterol in the kitchen with a bacon double cheeseburger [first day as a tampon designer] Boss: Me: Boss: What kind of work did you do before? Me: I made eandable dinosaur sponge toys. KID: Mister! The zebra is escaping! ZOOKEEPER: Don't be silly kid. That's just a raccoon ZEBRA: [walking out on hind legs] *raccoon noises* *admiring his food baby* I remember when that was just a deep-fried Twinkie in your eye. Sometimes you gotta send a tit pic to get what you need. Anyway, the church will let us set up early for the craft show on Saturday. Conversation so confusing, you feel like a contestant on “Wheel of Fortune”. I’d like to solve the DM. me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies] [ undercover stake out ] me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises* The only thing worse than watching a -minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's -minute recap. Westley: Inhale this, but do not touch... Vizzini: I smell noth-oh wait now I smell it, that's disgusting Westley: He who smelt it also dealt it me: i got us tickets to the rolling stones wife: omg you didn't?! me: you're gonna love it [later] wife: *running from a boulder* I'M DIVORCING YOU me: [googling] lose weight google: eat healthy and exercise me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running The salmonella/romaine outbreak of was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since Interviewer: What position do you see yourself in the next years? My Brain: Don’t say fetal...don’t say fetal Me: Standing tall with good posture. [Testing loyalty and humor seconds after making a new friend]: PILLLLLLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT One time my shit talking cousin came with me and he was bragging about how if I kept my mouth shut he’d get me the best deal well fuck you Jeff, you got me floor mats Fitting room attendant: can I help you? Me [holding a diva cup]: I'd like to try this on “OK men, spread out.” “Oat?” “What?” “Spread oats?” “Spread out.” “One oat?” “Dammit.” Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work. Soon... Brilliant. Don’t. Bath. Cats. Kicking ass and takin’ names like a bastard. Ordinary average looking people then. And incidentally, what a strange and bizarre man you are. I love you Michael. I hope you know that. LOVING Maura. Not loving Tom. for those outside London who might be wondering, Boris Johnson was a really, really shit mayor. Oh good Lord. Oh Allison, your tweet hasn’t aged well... ‘PUT THE PYTHON DOWN AND COME INSIDE! YOUR TEA IS READY!’ Anything I can do, DM me. Please, please help. This has to be stopped. It cannot be allowed to continue. It is barbaric cruelty. Senseless torture. No animal should ever go through that much pain and suffering for the delectation of human beings. This must not be allowed to continue. Please spread the word. Please help. Absolutely petty and ridiculous. shit, barbara....the body’s gone. Absolutely and one-hundred percent. No. OH MY GOD!!! NO!!! REALLY???? FUCKING HELL!!!! etc... and so on... Happy Birthday, Brexit! Today! [kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that me: oh i don't work here i will finally admit it - i wish i had kept the spider-man costume if you stand up while masturbating it counts as cardio I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second. yooooo didn't see it coming … going solo shirtless (no cam) dont wanna get arrested live at interviewer: there's a two year gap in your resume that just says "tore up"? me: ah yes, from the floor up [I wake up in a world where The Beatles never existed] Me: Check out this song I just wrote [I begin playing “Ob La Di Ob La Da” without having first built up years of goodwill] Crowd of people: Wow, this sucks ass NBA commissioner: with the number pick in the draft the new orleans pelicans select..one pepperoni pizza? i think i got someone's lunch order instea- [giant pepperoni pizza is already walking on stage] poor guy … me before sex: you can slap me, bite me, choke me, idgaf me second after i cum: if anything touches the tip of my penis im calling the police COMMERCIAL: you deserve a mattress that works as hard as you do ME [who exclusively puts in the bare minimum amount of effort]: fuck Here’s a song for you… Take Time by Shakeout "Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?" *my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls* way too excited to double boom bow … my lyft driver looked at me in the rear view mirror and switched the radio from daddy yankee to nirvana, which like I would’ve been fine either way but I get it [takes a huge bong rip while driving] my uber passenger: excuse me testing out some new catch phrases, so far PIZZACAKE is doing ok just ate some mac & cheese live at (to the tune of let it be) when i find myself in times of hunger, ninja turtles come to me / order you some pizza, extra cheese freeze frame on man running through bazaar Jason Statham (VO): yeah. thass me. aladdin runnin frum the fuckin fuzz again happy father's day i need more followers to show full butt im being told real talk, can you show butt online? about to show butt live at [holding up my wife's inch vibrator] crikey what a beauty high IQ play with … trying to get his first w [me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha [wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha the gollum / smeagol argument scene except it's me trying to decide if i should masturbate tonight or not we need someone for squadssss tired and online live at me: you know what, make it a double proctologist: what? [worried my date isn't enjoying her meal] is it not "finger lickin' good"? (run the jewels voice) picture this / im a bag of chips / put me to your lips / i am crisp / i will leave you with some stained fingertips got my ass ate, call that butt appétit talk eggs with me live at sure sex is great and all but have you ever put ketchup on scrambled eggs [walking barefoot through the woods with my date] her: you're not worried about splinters? me: nah he's a good guy telling the grocery bagger to leave my package of deli ham out cuz it’s for the ride home wife: your father and i named you two after our favorite Disney characters Elsa: that's so cool Little Mermaid Priest With an Erection: are you kidding me Can’t sleep. I’m so angry about those guys in movies who knock over fruit stands during car chases Let’s face it, we’ve all lied or cheated or held a bank manager hostage. It doesn’t make us ‘bad people.’ me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute. therapist: let’s talk about your father me: no Seldom give up on your dreams. "Wanna take this outside?" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual. moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with Nobody came to my aid when Harvard rejected me for digging strange holes all over campus and calling them bunkers. My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult. High school taught me skills that I still use today like how to climb to the ceiling on a fucking rope me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses me: it hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that kidnapper: shut the fuck up Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me? Her: Whisper something in my ear Me: [seductively] During the Middle Ages, victims of the bubonic plague were flung over castle walls using catapults "Solitude is the refuge of artists," I say. My puppet stares back at me lifelessly. {Prison Diary Day } Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar I want the writers of twitter to kill off my character Dating question: how long should you wait before you show them your bomb shelter? why can celebrities wear any dumb shit they want and it’s “fashion” but I do it and I’m “ruining my sisters wedding” by “wearing an assless Cookie Monster costume” YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second. it should be illegal to like harry potter after the age of . smoke a fucking cigarette Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. 'Delicious,' she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night. We all have that one friend who released a deadly virus For every hamburger stolen, a hamburger is gained. This is known among scientists as "The Hamburglar's paradox.” [buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle... *LOWERS SHADES TO LOOK YOU DEAD IN THE EYE* who's a Model by the way, warning: if you piss me off, i will walk quietly through a field of wildflowers Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social eeriment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again When I took sex ed the teacher put a condom on a banana and a girl with a neck tattoo slowly squished it in her hand They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise. My goth son Wesley pissed on my cat puzzle Southern California people, starting tomorrow I will begin giving all of my paintings away. I will be leaving them in public locations and will post a photo here in order to help people find them. The paintings will be signed and a note will be attached. Watch this thread. I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt. College began on an ominous note when, on move in day, my roommate’s dad identified some scratches on our door as a series of satanic symbols I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out “Mr. Bean” Happy birthday to the very talented who makes this a better place Vibrators: -know how to please -comes with clear instructions -doesnt tell me to smile -wont make me listen to their slam poetry Men: -sometimes funny -has never died inside of me Did you know if you close your eyes and say bloody mary loudly three times the bartender will spit in your drink The best part about being a woman is definitely all the free massages Employee : im thinking for our new travel mug we'll use a lid Employee [cumming]: i have a better idea Tired of seeing all the tweets about the abortion bill but cant mute the word abortion for fear of missing out on a good abortion joke Joe Biden is running. He’s running!! Someone catch him :19 is the longest minute of the day It’s devastating that the Notre Dame burned down and not the Colosseum, because I went there once and would really like to tell you all about it When i was three my parents said we were going to visit grandma and it wasnt until we got to her gravestone that they informed me she was dead Anti vaxxers: you can’t just go around vaccinating people without their consent Flat earthers: Across. You can’t just go across. good morning Every woman i know has at some point faked an orgasm and every man i know swears women have never faked one with them, guys something doesnt add up Nice to meatball S(he)'s bro(was a sk8er boi)ken First steve irwin, now nipsey hussle? First person to eat a banana: this is not good First person to peel a banana: dude guess what A group of anti-vax crows is called a murder murder I have baby fever too except its the one where i wake up in cold sweat and crippling nausea at the prospect of having a kid Porn without headphones is truly the height of luxury I thought you guys were cool but none of you fucking told me that five of George Foreman’s sons are named George Foreman. With every homophobic chick fil a scandal that comes out, lets not forget the real heroes of the cause: the people who didnt think their food was good in the first place I was wrong about the election and I’ve blocked everyone who’s ever disagreed with me but here’s a very confident tweet storm about Beto O’Rourke (1/10) Its finals week this is all i got for you guys When the Chinese Communist Party won the revolution in the Nationalist Party was probably all like "GuominDANG" I'm v interested in ethical nonmonogamy but I'm not that kind of girl (ethical). jesus: [to tens of thousands of followers] good news guys im now selling tshirts Pro tip: trace the alphabet with your tongue when you're going down on a lady so she knows you can read The best part about cremating a smoker is half the job's already done for you Pornhub algorithm, you've done it again You ever get so high that you realize weed is bad for you Dating men is an extreme sport I bet the worst part of dying a virgin is knowing you are going to get fucked by a terrorist. Having a kid sounds stressful like how do you make sure they have just enough childhood trauma that they’ll turn out funny Nick Jonas said penis on national television How long do I have to keep pretending I wouldn't still fuck Chris Pratt Wow I can’t believe people would pay to see a porn star from the funniest news story of all time. They should book me, a year old with little life eerience who makes people at bars want to leave Frankie is nOT IN THE DAMN BAND if you quoted this tweet saying "I'm Frankie" you are very funny and very clever I am the Kevin Jonas in this boy band called life This is a real shot in the new Jonas Brothers music video and like, no one is talking about it the Jonas brothers are BACK and they’ve had SEX When the moon hits your eye like an infinity sign that’s a-science At one point in time it was possible for The Good Wife, The Good Fight, and The Good Place to have a crossover episode. Shoot me into the sun When a powerful entity is trying to grow a system of human rights abuse (which is what this is) it’s on ALL of us, from smallest to biggest, to throw sand in the gears and stop it. We cannot be compliant with child abuse. These judges are astounded at the argument for it Check out HEEL, a short I'm supporting on by that I think you'd like, too! Honestly, the worst part of being robbed was that they took my notebook, but ripped out all the jokes and left them. They wanted everything, except my jokes. I bombed while getting robbed. This tweet deserves to win all the awards. Never do you have more belongings than on moving day. This is the closest I can get my - and I have been trying for YEARS. Team? I need more options. Receipts: Fergalicious definition drive your sister crazy Bergalicious definition make that ice go floato They want my waters, so they try some spotters from their boato they can't see me when they speedy I ain't easy but I'm freezy I got reasons why I sink em Ships just come and go like seasons Bergalicious Titanic: It's not hot hot More like this please When MERCURY is in Retrograde, VENUS Williams will promote EARTH Day, and Bruno MARS will collaborate with the NEPTUNEs... Without Googling, I will venture to guess that this actress from Murder She Wrote was also the wealthy guest Swayze turns down in Dirty Dancing who I vaguely recall was also the choreographer. SAD anyone: calm down me: the fact that high waisted jeans are cool among middle schoolers blows my mind imagine entering high school without having seen every one of your classmates butt cracks WILD When a photobomb improves the picture % don’t judge me until you’ve mall-walked a mile in my shoes alongside a group of heart healthy seniors we meet outside kitchen caboodle at :15am wednesdays and fridays i got problems but houston only wants to hear about one of them. I like my eggs like I like my cumberbatches THERAPIST: Tell me some things you like. ME: I like when I'm sleeping. THERAPIST: I meant when you're awake. ME: Oh, I don't like that. BATMAN: I got you flowers CATWOMAN: Put them in this vase BATMAN: Ok CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact* [date] HER: I absolutely love Star Wars ME: Oh me too HER: What's your favorite part? ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war [wedding] "Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?" ME: *from back* THEY'RE DOING A CASH BAR *priest drops bible* JUDGE: You're charged with stealing penguins from the zoo. ME: *lips right on mic* I needed groomsmen for my wedding, your Honor. [job interview] "Tell me one of your weaknesses" I can be very stubborn "Will you please elaborate?" I will not [job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good [first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on? [trying to impress date] HER: I really want to have children. ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby. NURSE: What's your blood type? ME: Oh, I'm not picky. I'll drink any kind. NURSE: What? ME: What? ME: I have good news & bad news WIFE: Bad news first M: The penguin pooped in the tub W: We don't own a- M: *smiling* And now the good news [murder scene] DETECTIVE: What do we have here? ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day? ME: I really need to lose some weight. MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not lose any weight. In fact, he ate a whole cake and went back to bed. [job interview] "Tell me about yourself." I have a lot of eerience. "Great, can you elaborate?" They're bad eeriences. WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show THERAPIST: Is this true? ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break [spelling bee] Your word is 'condescending' "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course I can. Can YOU? "DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED" [me opening bedroom window] Wife: What are you doing? Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT? WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here? SOCIETY: Go to school, get a good job, get married. ME: Will I be happy? SOCIETY: Oh heavens no, lol. [buying a used car] SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile? WIFE: We're not stupid. ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish. [date] HER: So do you like Star Wars? ME: Oh yeah HER: Who's your favorite character? ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga [date] HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie. ME: Oh me too. HER: Which part do you like best? ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking. In hell, women are even more right. [couples therapy] HER: He's always talking down to me ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen [on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir [first date] HER: I'm really into the outdoors type. ME: [trying to impress] I'm homeless. How to tell if your kid is doing drugs . Are your drugs missing? [first time at Panda Eress] ME: One panda please. [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor [date] HER: Do you like Star Wars? ME: Of course HER: Which character do you identify with? ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space ME: I'm done with Twitter. MORGAN FREEMAN: But he was, in fact, not done with Twitter. [marriage counseling] We just don't see eye to eye "Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat" YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN DOG: Then he said "Who's a good boy?" DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING? ME: I think it's time I get my life in order. MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon. WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's on the news. THERAPIST: Any truth to that? ME: *shuffling papers* This just in, Karen is a goddamn liar. My levels of drunk: . I love you guys . British accent . Dry humping shrubbery . Shhhh, I'm singing! . Aaaaaand Send [job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Procrastination "Can you elaborate?" *deep sigh* Can we not do this now? [marriage counseling] She doesn't think I'm very romantic "He wears a fanny pack to bed" IT'S FOR HOLDING SNACKS, KAREN [press conference] "Do you believe that perhaps it was a mistake to cross the road?" *chicken leans into mic* "BOK" [job interview] What's your greatest strength? "I'm a people person" Excellent. Any weaknesses? "I hate them" Scientists say there could be a reason for rain. Me, sending a text at pm: it’s fine, who goes to bed at pm Me, getting a text at pm: what nocturnal fuckery is this [at the fair] Ferret: that whole ride is for me? Me: what? No Ferret: ... Me: ferris wheel Ferret: take me home He was a skater boy / she said "see you later boy" / he left quickly on his really cool skates [first day as a bank manager] Customer: I’d like a car loan Me: I’m not lending you my car [at the gym] Me: it's not a hobby it's a lifestyle Guy watching me massage mayo into my pubes: ok Slowly removing all the toxic people in my life and it feels incredible. No longer have to put up with people telling me shit like "you can't butter your pizza" or "you can't just wipe your ass once at the end of the day and call it good". Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend Me: I’m way ahead of you Wife: no, like helpful things Me: ah Fucking hate it when someone says "sleep well". Yeah I was gonna hit my head on the bedside table and shit myself a couple of times, but that's a much better idea, cheers. Chunky pigeon piss Me: yeah I think we should get one too Wife: … Me: wait, did you say a deaf horse or a divorce? Wife: why would I want a deaf horse? Me, tearing up: so it can’t hear your hurtful words Some people (not me) are very moron. I had to pretend to be shocked while watching Black Mirror with my wife, even though when me and the boys used to play Tekken, the loser had to suck the winner's dick. Who wants to be my best friend? All you need is your own swimming pool. My niece just told me about her plan to become an "instagram influenza" and honestly I think that's exactly what the world needs. [hands Happy Meal back to server] Me: this is neither of those things [watching the sunrise] Wife: this is romantic Me: it's early as fuck is what it is Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I'm worried I'll be a terrible father Therapist: how many kids do you have? Me: like I think My son’s pet hamster died and he wanted to bury it and hold a service for it, which I thought was rather beautiful and then the cheeky little thing said we had to have ice cream cake at the wake because “that’s what Fredo would have wanted” Girl: cute dog. What's his name? Me, trying to read his name tag: uh... Kid in the distance, crying: SAM! SAM? Me: Sam, his name is Sam I wanna kiss Tom Cruise in the mouth. Tom if you dont take this offer your scared and you will never live it down. Sort out your toenails [wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then I feel like we could probably go all out and stretch it to flags. I’m upset about your grammar so what now? If you have a dog you wanted painted, go talk to Lotty. Or maybe you’re a dog and you want a painting of yourself? Go bark at Lotty. I don’t mind murder if we’re gonna keep getting these fire Netflix documentaries. Ok but why the fuck is there a doctor and a vet in Peppa Pig? [6 months into my research and having spent$12m of wolf science budget] Me: they howl at the moon cos they don’t like it
Okay, so. Former zoo keeper here, working mainly with wolves, big cats and bears. I know my shit. And I can tell you that wolves do not howl at this age, unless in pain. My guess is that she's squeezing its paw. Do not retweet.
I love you
Avocados weren’t invented until . Don’t believe me? Go ask your parents what their favourite avocado drink was when they were kids and I bet they can’t answer.
Do people who get up early every morning to go for a run know about not getting up early every morning to go for a run?
I’m so inspired by the straight pride parade that I’m starting a charity for people who are really rich.
Reply to this tweet and I will tell you the exact circumference of your next shit.
“Fuck is wrong with your feet?”
Doctors were certain there was no way that I’d be wetting the bed well into my late teens
It was a quiet car ride
Made an uneected friend while working Instacart today
Like Galileo I too was fired from a daycare job for teaching kids to climb a tall tree and prove my theory of how the sun is making a noise.
[trojan horse] trojan: i can't believe the greeks made us such a nice statue. especially since they're so smelly and gross horse: *in very humanlike voice* no you're smelly and gross
[first day at work] me: who are you older woman: i’m your boss, baby me: *disappointed* well you don’t look like boss baby
Whenever a friend asks why I use Lyft over Uber, I show them pictures from when my Uber driver was minutes late, responded only with “Cars ” when questioned, then canceled our ride
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell Me: weird. Why? Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning Me: haha stupid animals Pavlov: the eeriment took days Me: nice
first date dos and don’ts: don’t: go out to eat see a movie watch netflix do: log on to a busy server buy a hardhat do the jackhammer emote try to tip the iceberg
me: wanna buy some drugs cop: you kidding? i’m an on-duty police officer me: my apologies officer *whispers* when are you gonna be off-duty
[wife rubbing her belly] come feel the baby kick [not even six hours after I failed my green belt] you for real?
*reaching the end of a long road trip* funniest human being on the planet: whoops, i left my toothbrush at home, guess we gotta head back!
date: i went to coachella this year and had a great time! me: *trying to impress date* i attended the kia summer sales event
teacher: i’m going to the copy room for five minutes, keep silent and continue your work every student:
[my funeral service] my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i'd like to apologise to everyone here once again
ronald mcdonald: *walking into mcdonalds hq* where’s the guy who invented the mcsalad employee: *in tears* ronald please ronald: *swinging bat* tell him he’s mcfucked
Isn’t it weird how Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me
Netflix just suggested that I should watch a movie that’s x better
mayor: we now present you with a key to the city *crowd cheers* [3am that night] random dude in his bed: what are you doing in my house me: the mayor said i could
TSA Agent: Our detectors found prohibited items in your luggage Me: It’s probably those fresh coconuts TSA Agent: Just crack them open and drink them now Me: Alright *unsheating machete* I could’ve sworn these were less than oz though
Queen - We will rock you
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience me: *already sawing myself in half*
*walks downstairs behind couch things for the final time*
first person to eat a banana with black spots: *dies instantly*
"I'M LEAVING TWITTER!" *does walk downstairs behind couch thing*
“hot dogs are made out of bird dicks”
me: *throws jacket on puddle* date: tha— me: stupid ass jacket
waiter: say when dracula: ven other waiter: haha say it again
guy peeing a few urinals down: *nods* me: *starts and stops at each urinal as i crab walk my way next to him* whats your name
her: hit the back wall me: [confusing back wall for fourth wall] hello dear reader
crowd goes silent, the jumbotron zooms in on me making two hot dogs kiss, a text buzzes through my phone “we talked about this” my wife writes in all caps
i crash my car and hundreds of clean underwear spill from the glove box encircling me and keeping me from harm
[after sex] her: what you thinkin about thomas edison: light bulbs
[Oregon Trail ] Doctor: Any final words? Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome eerience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
town sheriff who just swore me in to help hunt down outlaws: *tosses me shotgun* you know how to use that thing? me: *filling it with marshmallows* i think i got it
hate when im a demon in a one on one blues guitar jam competition for a guys soul and his friend whips out a harmonica to accompany him
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
me: i feel like i’m dying inside dad: go outside
[twilight zone narration begins] me: [sitting in the background just being normal] what, what did i do
*scrambling to untangle earbuds as mall kiosk guy hoverboards directly at me*
technically you can use cottage cheese in cereal
Barman: This isn't what I meant when I asked you to show me your ID Hulk: HULK ANGRY EITHER WAY
[seeing a bikini pic of a friend on facebook and ignoring the rest of the post] still hot as hell girl [day later, reading the post] friend: hey everyone, i have cancer
[blind date] me: date: me: date: me: date: me: date: me: date: so where do you buy your capes
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
words
Dearest Prudence, My nards were blasted off during the War of States’ Rights. Please send more nards. They’re in a chest under the bed labeled “spare nards.” Be sure not to squarsh them.
you dont have to wait thirty minutes after you eat to go swimming if you wear jorts and a tshirt
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my dad like a football
if you get all four wahlberg brothers together you get a houseberg thank you
I admire both Obi Wan and Dumbledore. When things got really bad and they faced a powerful foe they just rolled over and died, allowing some teenagers to deal with the mess.
ok im embarrassed someone bought one
wow such an overwhelming response to this tweet that i am now selling tshirts with words on it
me: *gets down on one knee* will you *gets down on another knee* please *gets down on a third knee* stop messing *a fourth knee* with the *fifth knee* reality *sixth* stone
pronounces lady gaga like baba yaga
i keep a slingshot under my bed in case theres a break in during the night and its the ninja turtles looking for a fifth member
My therapist just diagnosed me as having ten Smith's songs trapped in my aura.
me: [falling in love with my karate instructor] how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome karate instructor: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*
[after first guy to lose rock paper scissors is stoned to death] next guy up: what if the winner just smacks the losers hand
Cut the skin around a knuckle, pop the finger out of the joint, and pull out the meat like a crab's leg.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it's like you're trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting players on mortal kombat] haha
me: can you pass the figs people who say gif wrong: you mean fijjes
arthur: *triumphantly pulls sword from stone* [earthy blood starts spurting from the open wound] stone: what the hell is the matter with you
if she says please sir i want some more, you have big dickens energy
[first cowboy ever] haha yaaaaay!
[mcdonalds] cashier: what can we get started for you me: *sets lawnmower on counter*
"Sorry, if I'm staring. I don't often see a woman in fishnets." "Please help me," said the last mermaid, struggling weakly.
[coming home from the hospital after getting hit by a car] dad: what kinda gas mileage that thing get
chief: the volcano god demands a virgin me: [shows up late to meeting wearing socks and sandals] whats going on
batman: *working at wendys* me: whoa what zack snyder: you think your heroes dont work at wendys, wake up
car salesman: what do you say. would you like to kick the tires on this thing ryu: hell yes
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haunted nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted
me: hey why- librarian: shh me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ librarian: they'll hear us me: who is they the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB- librarian: SHH the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ
me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don't fit the same customer: can you break this dollar or not man me: i just want her back customer: and i just want change me: u sound just like her
her: where do u work me: (remembering girls like mysterious guys) her: are u ok me: *choking on my food cuz i was thinking about how girls like mysterious guys instead of chewing* her: oh god waiter: did u kill this man her: (remembering waiters like mysterious girls) maybe
pilot: *over intercom* this is your captain asking who's tryin to fuckin party. no cops co pilot: hell yea let's do it pilot: who the fuck are you co pilot: i'm your co p- pilot: *pushes him out of the plane* no cops
principal: we called your dad me: fuck principal: he didn't answer me: oh nice principal: so we called your grandpa me: but he's been dead for years principal: too bad me: what'd he say principal: grandpa's comin me: what *a chill wind blows* principal: grandpa's comin
is this art
getting some great feedback today
cop: u can't text and drive me: but i was texting u cop: what *checks phone* text: look behind u cop: *turns and sees a billboard* billboard: MADE U LOOK. I'VE ALREADY SPED OFF BY NOW HAHAHA. ENJOY UR NEW TATTOO cop: *checks lower back* tattoo: i forgot to speed off :/
: what's your emergency? me: a man is in my house : who me: idk. how would i know that : ask me: ok : me: he didn't answer : describe him me: he's large : is he tall me: yea : give him my number me: what's your number : are u serious
the weirdest most unnecessary flex i've ever witnessed was me telling my th grade teacher that i was paid to be the moderator of an Animal Crossing forum. she didn't know what i meant and also i was lying
pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no "i" in pixar employee: yes there is pixar ceo: no there isn't employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo* pixar ceo: Oh my god. employee: yea- pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp
the idea that my tweets would make even one person's day a little easier or make them smile during a rough time pisses me off so bad
me: *tweets something kinda clever that i edited like times* followers: pass me: followers: me: followers: me: the moon followers: dustin you've done it again my boy
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
customer: can we get a plate of french fries for the table? me: (first day as a waiter) ahh i don't think we're allowed to feed the tables boss: can i talk to u for a sec me: what's up boss: ur doing a great job. i want those tables to starve.
brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow- brain: i don't want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end me: was that the funny thing? brain: what funny thing? is heaven real
is she a or is she three 333333s stacked in a trench coat
anti-vaxers
good cop: did u kill my partner criminal: i ain't tellin u nothin ghost cop: *tries to slam fists on the table but they go straight through* did u fucking kill me or not
bouncer: I'm going to have to ask you to leave me: why bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Every time a lizard loses their tail a new snake is born.
Alright fun’s fun, but these dishes aren’t going to wash themselves. ...or will they?
[first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing*
Batman: alfred, why is a honda civic parked out front? Alfred: that's the batmobile, sir Batman: alfred Alfred: yes, sir Batman: did you fill the car with bats? Alfred: i'm afraid so, sir
[ undercover stake out ] me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
George Harri: here comes the son George Harrison:
me: well, i don't want to kill myself but i do want to die gas station attendant: so, that's a yes to the clearance hot dog
It isn't momma's spaghetti unless there are at least three big tapeworms in there.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at :45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Mickey: welcome to my club house! Me: this is incredible Mickey: haha! A rival gang is selling on my turf and I want them dead Me: wait what Mickey: you heard me
[night of the purge] me: [loading the dishwasher] man: *peeking out from safe room* uhhh, what are you doing me: please just let me have this *putting on an apron* it's the only time i can feel like a homeowner
yo has just learned how to say, “Quack.” Except she can’t say it quite right and is walking around the house saying, “Fack! Fack!”
friend: help, i need somebody! help! me: not just anybody, help! friend: me: oh shit she bled out
noah: hey little bud you need to be in a pair to get on the ark single celled organism: oh, sorry! noah: no worries, just—wait what double celled organism: mitosis
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Worms
If you seesaw something, saysaid something.
[at a bakery] me: i would like to be disappointed please. baker: one scone, coming right up!
[from outside]: gonna round up the cows, boss him: what’s that Me: my ranch-hand him: no, that {pointing to my creamy fingers} me: my ranch hand
All parents have a favourite child Good parents pretend they don’t Great parents at least make it one of their own
Good cop: we just wanna help u out here Bat cop: WHY ARE U UPSIDE DOWN U SONOFABITCH
Medusa: oi, what are you looking at? Me: anything but you
Who names their son Jimmy Eat World
Me: I'll have a venti frappuccino with cream and extra steak sauce please Barista: I can't make that Me: then find me someone who can
How moist was it you asked? I’d say it was copious. Copious amounts of moist.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke. Alexa: I'm afraid I can't due to all the updog. Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: could you stop playing footloose on repeat every night Son: it's not me Me: who is it then? Son: the boogeyman
I have decided the trees outside my window are nice people and I like hanging out with them
Ocean pollution is a huge problem but there is an obvious solution. Raccoons love to eat garbage. Therefore, if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea & eat the ocean garbage. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. We should also give them swords.
if im honest when i was watching stuart little i was kinda disturbed by the whole thing, didnt like the way that mouse moved. didnt like its twitching snout, made me feel cold inside, like stepping on a witches grave.
Historical Facebook was all pictures of people's etic trips to Here Be Dragons
I wish someone liked me enough to buy me a bag…. ….a body bag that is.
"Unnggghhh....unghhh. Come on you son of a......." ~ Me struggling to open my super muscle grow protein powder.
if your college didn’t have a unicycle guy did you really get a liberal arts degree
Her: Do that thing I like. Me: *makes Bolognese*
vampire: mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all? magic mirror: who said that?
I only talk to my ex while i’m on the toilet so I can unload two piles of shit at once.
A sequel to Stuber called Emilyft.
So a scammer hacked my friend’s FB and reached out to me. I managed to keep him on the hook all morning. The following is my conversation with him - verbatim.
It is % real. This is EXACTLY how he talks. If you Venmo me $250 I can set him up with FaceTime so you guys can chat. Tonally Face The Music is closer to Excellent Adventure than Bogus Journey, but w the weight - & eerience - & the life of joys & losses - that age brings. The best comedy, to me, is absurdity rooted in human truth. That's our goal, at least. Did we hit it? Guess we'll find out. We named the Martian "Station" cause of a typo. We were SO punch drunk - it was AM & we were begrudgingly doing studio notes, & we'd just cut out an entire sequence we loved at the police station - but some reason I'd left the word "Station" left over from INT. STATION - DAY. The very first thing I’d ever had produced - an episode of Laverne and Shirley - was directed by and starred, among others, . (Carrie Fisher was also in that episode.) Only line I recall: “Hello I’m Playboy Squiggy.” HAPPY BIRTHDAY! In days it'll be years (!) since Bill & Ted opened. In honor of that (& to keep some promises), I'd like to share a few things over the month. The image below is the first (and ONLY) time Chris & I did Bill & Ted in front of an audience - early at the UCLA Comedy Club. My father died in after a long illness. One of the last things he ever said to me was "be excellent to each other...but party on" thank you ed and chris Our original concept was a standard, typical Martian - little green man kind of thing. It was (director) Pete Hewitt's idea to make him two creatures that run together to form one. Chris & I, totally fried, just started saying EVERY line as if it was "Station." "Staaaaation," "StaySHUNN," "Stasshshshshshshshsunn." And then we decided no matter WHAT happens, we're gonna have a Martian name Station. And worse: we're gonna dig our heels in on it. All I could remember is that we messed up the end of Bogus Journey in the script, and that at one point we had something better, though I forgot what it was. Here is the great elaining to me what I'd forgotten. Script now by Chris Matheson & Ed Solomon & Matt Lee. That said, I respect the *ambition* in Bogus Journey (which was originally called Bill and Ted Go To Hell, but they made us change it) - we just didn’t get the script right in the third act. (Though tells me we once had a version that was right.. till we hadda change it.) There's an element of darkness in BJ that I think crossed the line a tad too much. I think the blend in this one is better - and there are many *other* colors as well.. mostly due to all of us having lived life and grown up. Yes. For several years I'd had the "J" (Will Smith - who was as yet upcast) character be the eyes into the movie. But then when Tommy Lee Jones - who'd just won the Oscar for The Fugitive - was cast (he was the first on board), there became a scramble to make him the "lead." (By the way - I recently read that very memo. It was brimming with the self-righteous hubris of one w/out the wisdom or eerience (or temperament - yet) to recognize that just cause someone disagrees with you, they're not necessary "wrong." I don't blame em for being pissed.) I spent two weeks on a rewrite - then a couple weeks a month later on set. It was chaotic and confusing, and they didn't use much of what I wrote. I think I only got credit cause I was on vacation when the arbitration happened and no one else wanted it. Anyways I came back on. (Then was fired again and rehired, maybe even two more times.) Two weeks into production, Barry said to me "I think Tommy finally figured out he was in a comedy." I think the fact that he didn't know is what him so great in it. And he was great, I thought. That memo became the basis for the rewrite I did. By then Will had been cast - off my first script (pre being fired) & he was like "Wait, what happened to the tone? The tone is the thing that made all the other shit work." (He had only been in Degrees of Separation at that pt.) Anyways, I was fired, and they made a drama out of it. I read it, and wrote a ten page memo about what I thought was wrong, and why. Later (after I'd been rehired), Barry Sonnenfeld said to me: "That memo? That memo is what got you MORE fired." I told him it wasn't good enough science fiction to be drama. That it needed the kinds of leaps of faith that a comedy allows. (I believed then - and do now - that the *mood* of a film, a very under-discussed concept, is the thing that determines what we'll buy and not buy.) I wasn't really sure why he'd said it - I didn't really know why blending science fiction and comedy made me an "asshole." But he'd also brought up (in the first minutes) that he was Al Gore's roommate at Harvard, which seemed equally, I don't know... the same. Okay, it was "asshole." But they needed him to feel like it was "his" movie. This was also exacerbated by our first meeting, where he told me, in no nuanced terms, that it needed to be either "a comedy or science fiction, make up your mind,___" (He used an eletive.) Partly it was due to the fact that he was a big "star" at the time. I disagreed, feeling like it was better to go into the world through the eyes of a neophyte, rather than one who "knew" everything. It threw off my whole balance, tbh; I wanted to discover his world gradually. Oh and Julian E. Zelizer Fault Lines by I'm very exited to introduce this fine young actor to the world. He'll be playing the part of "Ted" in Bill and Ted Face the Music Relax, everyone, all we did is tell Iran we had bone spurs. They totally got it. We’re good. Our shoot schedule, utilizing the latest in modern technology. (Sorry - I had to make it blurry.) This is a tweet about an article about a bunch of tweets. Sorry. Had to. Watching MiB was surreal - like going to meet, for the very first time, an adult child you apparently fathered but didn't raise, or even know about. (Like getting a call from & Me: "Hey, remember in college when you paid for weed that time by donating to that sperm bank?") The last time I mentioned a script I read, it was days of people being mad at me. Maybe you'll be less mad if I tell you that I really love BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC and can't wait to see it multiple times? I said I was not comfortable doing air guitar. And I'm definitely not jumping in the air. Twenty minutes later: Is there something I can do about feelings or am I just stuck having them for the rest of my life? I won’t be taking questions. Someone deleted a compliment. I hate when I’m being brilliant and nobody notices. Made a list of classes more helpful than algebra: starting a new roll of tape class filing taxes class saying “no” class dishwasher loading class choosing a candidate class animal husbandry If you bite a popsicle, the end of it is what your arm looks like if it was cut off. Fergalicious definition drive your sister crazy Thank you, you’re my favorite now. Jk, but dang. Why do I have two gray hairs?! A thread... When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff. me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. the economy: Imagine accepting an invitation to a birthday party, buying a gift and then finding out that they're having white cake with white frosting. We all have that one friend who's a floating onyx decahedron blue jean baybay LA baybay seamstress for the baybay... This is fun, y’all. Fine, also ice water. Saw a guy named Howard and he didn’t have a mustache. What if the world is fake and wrestling is actually real? Things I always forget about that make me feel good when I’m sad: Working out Drinking coffee Walking my dogs My dogs Other people’s dogs Dogs Kissing when i see other birds: creepy dinosaur things. disgusting. when i see a duck: [tips hat] fine weather we’re having, eh madam? me and my sister about to elain to an elderly family member why what they just said was problematic You are welcome my best friend it's been my pleasure to declare my respect for you I walk around like everything is fine...but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. it's a good thing dogs do not know they are filled with bones i feel like that would fuck up their whole vibe ME: I think I’m unhappy because I’m unable to prioritise my own well-being over the happiness of the people around me. I wish I knew how to be selfish... MY FRIENDS: Does my Fitbit know I'm depressed? just heard my song in a porn wow that’s amazing genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my dog could talk genie: done me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes one time I was gettin head from this girl and when I nutted in her mouth she said “bro change ur diet” Me to any gay couple: so which one of you is the one that carries a tote bag and which one of you is the one that always asks to put stuff in the other’s tote bag i'm starting a feminist program where i teach young girls to torrent without their boyfriend's help Me when I'm put in charge of the music at predrinks therapist: you don't need to be afraid of gorilla crow. gorilla crow isn't real. me, looking out the window: Just me I guess a story in three parts Just tried thinking about how we're all gonna die and I would NOT recommend it. do he cry? (he cry) when mom takes away your Danny Devito cardboard cutout I think I'm sad?? This hasn't happened in a while I'm not sure what's going on. My first eure to my own bisexuality was the Lion King like and subscribe if you agree. live footage of my life peaking mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile me: wha mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth how do i simultaneously have zero friends and get invited to weddings every summer Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me. if you're the type of person who likes surprises, congratulations you've probably had a really nice life so far I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod. {Prison Diary Day } Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate [first time babysitting] hey little dude year old: muffins and cupcakes are cousins me: what the fuck Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him i am not doing amazing sweetie [Me as a gynecologist] *Knocking on the exam room door* WOMB SERVICE Is it time to cry? yes yes yes yes yes yes \_ yes yes yes yes yes yes ok we need to start putting alcohol prices on the menu. what does this margarita cost, six bucks? TWENY? a single gold doubloon? listen i have no doubloons and i’m thirsty [kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that me: oh i don't work here [Evening News] ANCHOR: …and now we go to Ken who's live in town with an update KEN: (surrounded by boys) Jim guess who just got back today Me: hey did you buy '100 Count Tennis Balls' from Amazon? Wife: no Dog: *pretending to read newspaper* happy pride to everyone but especially moose from disney’s pepper ann [Speed dating] ME: Only things ya gotta know about me GUY: Ok M: Number one, I have a childish sense of humor G: What's number two? M: lol i’m gonna skip the middle man and just get married to a kitchenaid mixer welcome to our budget hotel. the complimentary breakfast is a single piece of dry toast. the business center is a shoebox with a piece of computer paper stapled to it. the pool is also a toilet. [mortal kombat voice] [invetning the alphabet] BOSS: ok what symbol should we use for the lowercase L GUY WHO THOUGHT OF THE UPPERCASE I: well me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin went? sowwy i can’t pay went. i’m just a wittle baby Therapist: What's wrong? Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce Therapist: And who told you that? Me: *tearfully clears throat* Meet George Jetson His Boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Just kidding, obviously. I'll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these. why does a sad, harried woman with weird hair and a slight stoop appear in every shop window i'm trying to look at. lady. i'm trying to see my reflection in this shiny glass. vamoose. the top sheet is the condom of the bed you, short: i’m ’6” me, tall: ah yes i remember when i was your height you enter my mansion. inside, you find a room labelled "the clown room". you enter inside it to find only a single mirror. you fall to your knees as i cackle maniacally my summer body is just this body but it’s sticky from all the maragarita mix teens with good skin have way too much power Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day. no this is me after i help my dad bring in the groceries and it’s cat litter week [exiting movie theatre] ME: wow that movie was pretty good! BUZZ ALDRIN: hah yeah ME: *sigh* what’s wrong BUZZ ALDRIN: no it was good! ME: BUZZ: ME: BUZZ: ME: was it not— BUZZ: not as good as the moon, yeah are your children texting about legs? ROFL - respect our freakin’ legs IKR - i kick regularly ILYSM - i like your shins man ATM - arms, TOTAL mistake BRB - being really bipedal OMG - ogle my gams LMAO - let’s iMitate an octopus i met a fellow scorpio today and said “we’re scorpibros, dude!!” so yeah i have no plans tonight self care is officially over we're doing drugs again Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away This will get no attention like anything else because people will not read more than characters. This administration is such a shitshow. WHY NOT! I once saw Big Foot double fisting Nacho Fries and a McRib Hi, Donald. Thank you for your excellent submission to McSweeney’s. We have reviewed it and will seriously contemplate its interesting content. Game recognize game, Julie Klam I think Ice T understands twitter better than almost anyone Jim Jarmusch in the Wu Tang documentary series has me shook What the hell has Bill Barr been up to? Anyone check on that little shit weasel this week? “If it’s what you say, I love it” sounds strangely like something Andy Warhol would have said? Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap. Inside every dog is a woof Trump has already said himself that he sexually assaults women, so unless he's willing to specify which women he was referring to in that Access Hollywood tape, I don't know why anyone would believe his denials when a woman publicly accuses him. The many deaths of my mentions It goes without saying but This President needs to be impeached. If ICE agents show up at your door, know your rights. Si agentes del ICE llegan a tu puerta, conoce tus derechos. The disembodied singing heads on Disney’s Haunted Mansion looked like this before they died Shout out to all the druids on social media *knock on Detroit’s doorstep* Anyone order a pizza? Anybody else so tired they don’t even want to read? Don’t eect an answer. There is no god* *prices and participation may vary "Mmm, Curry." We are being led toward an unjustified conflict to distract from Trump’s criminality. And House Democrats are still worried about reelection. You’ve never read Harry Potter Report?!? ja ja ja, ja ja morant JA JA JA, JA JA MORANT I think the dopest thing about Anthony Davis is that he listens to Bonnie Prince Billy to get hyped before games Jimmy Butler sounds like a cool, laidback butler I love the drive-thru ATM machine because you can enter your PIN number without leaving your SUV vehicle. At what point does failure to respond to this administration’s disgraceful, unconstitutional behavior become more disgraceful than the behavior itself? Uphold the rule of law! Rake-a-lamma-Lake-long! Ruffles Have Eyebrow Can’t believe the Lakers acquired Anthony Keidis Costco themed shootings we are doing great guys It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face One good thing about being a gamer is your alibi pretty much always checks out. Walk into the last day of geometry class like I have (an admittedly old) tweet that’s been RT’d yesterday and today by people with a combined maybe two or three hundred thousand followers in total and it’s not really doing much. So I am confused is all? T-Rex astrophysicist: it's what we call a global killer Other dino scientists: how big exactly? Like...this big? T-Rex: man fuck u guys Mr. President, you’re from Queens. You may fool the rest of the country, but I’ll call your bluff any day of the week. Opening an impeachment inquiry is exactly what we must do when the President obstructs justice, advises witnesses to ignore legal subpoenas, & more. Bye Just when it looked like this Father’s Day was gonna be a bust, my wife comes home with a new shirt FROM THE COSTCOMPANY!!! Cancel me daddy. I've been a problematic little boy Kirby you lush it’s not even o’clock I want the CIA to destabilize this bussy Django-Kazooie today is Kirby day How about Starcraft Dude War and its just for the fellas? Yes I'm . Yes I'm sharing this because I'm thirsty. Yes that's obvious to anyone who's paid attention to anything I've ever said here taco bell employee: three forty is your change arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s this u biting ur own butt cheeks? This is what my drunk mind ha s created you’re welcome Studying poop theory Studies show that when you share ur donations other people donate more. I don't have a lot of money but I just gave to RAICES which does direct action and advocacy for migrants at the border and I hope you can support them too! Looks like its time for me, Fats Gordo, to fix this whole mess with Iran Anyone know the AOL keyword for the darkweb? I feel like I, the choir, get preached to a lot on this site Thinking of all the celebrities I've outlived and how I've basically owned them joe biden to a female townhall questioner: do you have a racist bone in your body? questioner: no joe biden: do you want one? Who wants deer lickies Ohkay, versions. Obvs Baphomet is NSFW. This is for you Follow Borb. I need this cerebrate voice: "Our drones are under attack!" Crush: what are u doing Me: laying in bed listening to music Crush: nice what kind Me: it’s memory foam Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist Me: Picasso Me: have u ever realized that blue is its own flavor? Blue stuff isn’t based off any fruit it’s just blue Paramedics: sir that’s windex Nobody: Me drunk at am: I love u my conservatory is going to Scotland this summer. We are performing a play raising awareness about school shootings in America. If you believe schools shouldn’t be a battleground donate. Thank you. CEOs: welcome to shark tank what is your idea Me: can you make boiled eggs in a coffee pot CEOs: that’s a question not an idea Me: my idea is we should figure it out together CEOs: now that’s an idea Him: -loves you -respects you Me: -eat chimkin -calls chicken chimkin Who u gonna chose am: I’m tired am: I’m tired pm: I’m tired pm: I’m tired pm: tired pm: let’s check twitter before bed am: fuck Guys the emoji is so good, it shows so much yet so little emotion Her: I’m breaking up with you Me: Mom: you’re adopted Me: Verizon: you are out of data, please upgrade to unlimited or wait until the next data cycle Me: Me: has glasses Bully: eyes!! Look he has glasses Me: count my eyes Bully: Optometrist: bad news kid, you need glasses Bully: wait no it was a joke Optometrist: pin him Me: *pins bully* Optometrist: *forcing glasses on him* Me: is it ok if we have sex right now Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman Yoga instructor: you should do meditation Me: I’m already on a lot of meditation Yoga instructor: no like- Me: antidepressants, allergy meds, vitamins, lactose intolerance meds, iron supplements, more antidepressants Written by Interviewer: what are your hobbies Me: destroying my enemies Interviewer: I don’t think ur right for this job Me: bad choice isn’t it annoying how stuff always happens Friend: eat this pop tart Me: ok Friend: oop that ketamine Me: Dentist: you’re getting your wisdom teeth out hurray Me: oh jolly I can’t wait Dentist: what I just gave you were hardcore drugs Me: a ok. e h y cool cool cool Sometimes I’m like what and then other people also think that Getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, get ready for some weird posts Me: that test was long, how did I do Tester: /420 Me: nice Tester: quite the opposite Wife: what’s wrong with him Doctor: he doesn’t know the words to the song stuck in his head Wife: oh my god is he going to be ok Me: woah we’re halfway there woah woah *vague frustrated mumbling* Doctor: I’m afraid not Me: and this is my house Friend: what’s upstairs Me: stairs don’t talk [after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT Banadian goose my pet lobster and I are sitting on the beach, watching the last rays of the sun make the sky orange and purple. "why do people hurt each other, Susan," i ask, then grimace as she pinches my finger, draws blood. But it was an accident, i think, even as her claw moves to her mouth [me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious TREE: please leave me and my pet rock Aberdeen alone *clatters* imo she's too quick to throw out all the little nice things people give her- thank u notes. birthday cards. she junks cakes and flowers faster than i would. her dad died when she was , maybe that's it i think. maybe this is her keeping joy somewhere else. idk, but i love her so only slim jims were made in and they just sit in gas stations The sensor for an automatic door failed to detect my presence today but I didn't panic. I didn't worry. I rose into the sky and was free. Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework Dog Student: (still chewing) almost ME: It's time for you to start acting like a man. SON: Okay *starts overfishing the oceans* WAFFLE HOUSE EMPLOYEE: I know we're open hours but it's been days, please leave ME: [gazes out window and locks eyes with the wolf that's been patiently stalking me for weeks] ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks dog at dog school: i ate all my homework dog teacher: great work Daisy, A+ My girls and I show up at your chess tournament in full cheerleader regalia to stretch out in your opponent's line of sight. Fight, my love. Boy tapes picture of his father to a boomerang, walks down to the lake. "I know you'll come back." He throws it far. The sun is in his eyes. TWITTER: here's a chart that graphically depicts millions of impressions by the minute. also here's the % of your followers that are married ME: can...can you let me organize my tweets using one ounce of common sense? TWITTER: ok here is the % who eat Mexican food Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait. Ok it's time to get serious for a minute. Who the f*ck is gonna buy favstar and bring it back? I just want easy access to my bullshit with some ranking options. Call it Tweet Office idc I'll pay$10/month that's craft beers fuckit i waste time on here i'd appreciate the service
[me grooming a majestic horse] such a powerful dog
[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ
Be sure to sacrifice your children to the all-powerful Giant Suitcase.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i'd rather die than rat out a shark
and she's calling a cab while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag, now they're going to bed
Vexed, the Creator sits on the floor of the Universe, Earth's blueprint spread across it, & contemplates the left over screws in his palm.
If you have cold dead hands you better believe I will pry stuff from them because I am The Cold Dead Hands Burglar and there is no quenching my thirst for prying
[Parent Diary Day ,758] the oldest one is passing on her superstitions and beliefs to the younger ones, who are enthralled by her forbidden knowledge and longer, sharper teeth
[ant colony] husband: I am beat wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift ,000 times his body weight? wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*other humans carrying folded animal skins on their backs and holding crude spears cautiously approach their earthen home*
A time traveller finds his name nearly effaced from his tombstone. "That's my name," he sobs to the merciless elements, "don't wear it out!"
Ice Cube: You better check yo self before you wreck yo self Ice Cubes: *tinkling in a glass of water*
ME: Be still, my beating heart! HEART: OK. ME: *dies*
"Do you like to swim?" I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Scorpio: The advent of the new moon in Aquarius means something is admiring you from afar. Some ghastly, revolting thing.
the skunk u tried to chase away from the yard now chases u across the yard and corners u. U freeze because u know what's coming. it turns around and points its butt and what's this? a banner unfurls from its tail that says "IF U LEAVE ME ALONE I'LL LEAVE U ALONE"
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor
me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses
lion dad to his cub: So you see son, lions don’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. Brian the lion: yo Dennis I heard one of them sheep called you a bitch ass trickster lion dad: Who said that? Who fucking said that I will mangle his fluffy little shit talking body
*clatters*
(20 minutes before) adam:*finishes final stitch* there u go, a daughter of man u now look eve:[rubbing tummy] such a strange world this is
eve [hastily stitching a button onto adam's belly] adam:[scared] please hurry eve the other humans will be here soon
*walks into a bank with bags of money* THIS IS A REVERSE STICKUP EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN AND GET ON THE ROOF!
You have reached the end of the richly imagined novel "Foamy: A Tail of Lovable Hat" by El Foambrero, but not the end of the series. The End?
If the founding fathers had seen a Cardi B concert, they would have shredded the Constitution and swam to England.
I like big boos and I cannot lie Those other spectres can't supply When a ghost floats in with a scary evil grin And gets right up in your face You drop dung
Ghost jizz is all fun and games until there's a blacklight
"Y'all" is short for "yellow alligator"
That scene where everybody dies before Mr. Tumnus shows up. "Hey sorry, Narnia hoes before Narnia bros." [credits roll]
TIGHTRHYMES TUESDAY!!! Send -2 tweets! Theme: One of my favorite words: MOTHERFUCKER! I’ll pick a winner! Mine: … … …
People just don’t shout ‘criminently’ during a fit of frustration like they used to.
Farmer: Welcome to our organic farm. I’m Gus and this is my twin brother. Brother: I’m a spare Gus.
Pence: What makes you qualified to join Space Force? me: *rips shirt off* Pence: me: Pence: Ok yeah
Three teens wander into the farmer's field but none will return. Corncob dragula stalks them silently.
SNOW CONE SHACK: what flavor do you want VAMPIRE: can I get tigers blood SNOW CONE SHACK: sorry we are all out VAMPIRE: ok Uhm do you have sacrificial lamb? SNOW CONE SHACK: what
So you’ve heard about the birds and the bees, let me tell ya bout the bats and the bees. - How to elain anal to kids.
One thing I've learned in life, flirting with an elephant trainer involves riding an elephant.
Any man who tells you he doesn't have a pet name for his penis is a liar and a complete 'SirPointsaLot'
Who called it Instant Pot and not Speed Weed
I just challenged some nerds to full contact chess and never felt so alive in my life. They're terrible at MMA.
Other choices for the Space Force logo: - the Jetsons - Duffman hip thrusting - a water heater bursting - a dildo penetrating the moon - a bag of carrots
Macaroons are garbage cookies and yes, we can take this outside.
"I'm taking grandma to Applebees" is code for giving my old lady the business..
*knocks on neighbor's door* May I borrow a cup of cocaine?
*punches wallpaper* That's for not proving your thesis.
Me: I'll have the usual. Bartender: *slides an entire bowl of maraschino cherries across the bar*
(during se *hacker voice* im in
DONALD GLOVER ONALD GLOVE ONAL LOVE NAL LOV AL LO A L IA LA HIA LAB SHIA LABEO SHIA LABEOUF
I've gotten to the point where I can tell at exactly what point when the coke wears off for the chicks in the pornos.
It's crazy how many leprechauns are dismembered to make just box of lucky charms.
Attention Twitter: My phone is at %
Aquaman's arch nemesis is supperman. After they come into contact with each other aquaman can't swim for minutes, to avoid cramping.
Prime Member: oh hey this stuff is cheaper for me! Past-His-Prime Member: *is dead*
Preparing for a dentist appointment is so much effort. Brush your teeth, scrub your tongue, trim your nose hair, sacrifice a goat to the God of Enamel
Them: virtually anything is a tweet Me:
I'm basically Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, except instead of alcoholism, I eat Cap'n Crunch until I fall through a glass table
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me* [hours later] Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
You look like a sports parent who would attack referees. Followed.
How many curves until I’m just fat? Asking for me.
If you walk into a Whole Foods and ask for kale toilet paper...while waving a loaded gun....they have to give it to you.
ME: [hitting my head on the edge of an infinity pool] what the hell?
ME: I'm sorry for writing fake dialogue of us on twitter WIFE: *spoon-feeding me caviar* Well at least you have a huge penis
how has this show not been canceled yet
A: Chest bump? E: You know it! A E A E A E A E A E Æ: Well shit
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can see into the future ME: Right INTERVIEWER: uhhh ok. next question, [points at shape on paper] what kind of triangle is this? ME: INTERVIEWER: Oh my god
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I'm only halfway through Everyone Poops don't tell me how it ends
these are the only jokes in like % of movies now
And the first seal was opened, and I beheld a white horse: and he that sat upon him was Lil Nas X, and the earth did shake
WIFE: *reading Bible* Apparently we could be in the end times already and not even know it ME: I think we'd know RADIO: And now for the number one song in America, featuring Billy Ray Cyrus! ME: Ohhh fuck
the tv: seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all kids: oh no wife: oh no parents: oh no me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for minutes* oh no NO NO
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
Me: One nice thing about being the last human on earth is that I can fart openly Chris Hemsworth: *bursting through the door* Hallelujah I found someon—oh god
Me: Your honor I'd like to represent myself Judge: Sure whatever Me: *wearing mustache* My client is guilty Me: *removing mustache* Wait what Judge: *munching popcorn* Oh damn
I DOUBT IT WILL BREAK THE MACHINE "I'm getting the manager" yeah go do that [manager comes out] you the guy asking about a big mac mcflurry?
[Pastabot attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
me at : isn’t the world magical me at : shut up birds
ME: I lost my dad last year DATE: I'm so sorry ME: No worries, he was just in the garage DATE: ME: Well technically his corpse was in the garage
Liam Neeson: *on phone* I have a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career- Me: *yelling* Daaaad, phone!
When I get up on the counters in the breakroom and my boss spritzes me with a spray bottle, it is but a game to me. And you cannot win, sir.
[me as a judge] *cry-eating my fourth corndog in bed* I hold myself in contempt
[spelling bee] moderator: your word is abandon me: can you use it in a sentence? moderator: everyone you love will abandon you me: omg moderator: lol no not even close
*creating hannibal lecter* what if frasier ate people
NOW THROUGH SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! VISIT YOUR LOCAL TOYOTA DEALER TO FIGHT A WALRUS IN OUR HALLWAY! HALLWAY! HALLWAY!
interviewer: please, sit down me: thank you interviewer: not on my lap
[take your child to work day] DAUGHTER: You're... a mortician? ME: *throwing torsos in the river* sure
And you can tell everybody This is my thong It may be quite skimpy but It shows off my dong
Crocodile Dundee: That’s not a knife... THIS is a knife Alligator Dundee: What about this? *pulls out a knife that is almost identical and only nerds can tell the difference*
rollerblader: [goes off a ramp and does a triple backflip, then a , then more backflips, then skates off with my crush] me: lmao are you on rollerblades
the weary traveler reaches a rickety barn & rests. the year is . the anomaly had wiped humanity's collective memory, causing civilization's collapse. suddenly he hears a whisper, then another. from the walls, images, history cascade like a waterfall. pepperidge farm remembers
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream Professor: That's him, officers
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny Cashier: That’s a button
Call me Mash 'cause everything I touch is a banger
me: who is the teletubby whose boner had to be blurred out when it popped out of his furry trousers in season alex trebek: I haven’t even read the card yet
[during sex] HER: say something naughty ME: wiener
cop: u can't text and drive me: but i was texting u cop: what *checks phone* text: look behind u cop: *turns and sees a billboard* billboard: MADE U LOOK. I'VE ALREADY SPED OFF BY NOW HAHAHA. ENJOY UR NEW TATTOO cop: *checks lower back* tattoo: i forgot to speed off :/
if the new Frankenstein isn't a detective trying to solve the murders of each one of his body parts then i don't know what we're doing here
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
"ladies and gentlemen" unnecessarily gendered overly formal lengthy honestly i'm already dozing off "cowards" inclusive to all genders casual and fun short and to the point exciting and dynamic
ME: Give it to me straight, doc, am I losing my mind? HOUSEPLANT: Well I usually don't like to phrase it like that
[tree falls in forest] [doesnt make a sound] GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the— TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL
ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[before electricity was invented] ME: [presses hand dryer] GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing*
CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie! [they embrace] OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?
ME: Is there a ghost in here? {everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves} Ouija Board: {slides to no} ME: phew
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder? ME: Not murdering. ATTORNEY: But where were you? ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
ME: [polishing bowling trophies] HER: You’re pretty good huh? ME: Yeah I guess I’m pretty good at polishing my brother’s bowling trophies
[coffee shop] ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band] CUTE GIRL: Is that your band? ME: No it’s a flyer
Guy: hey john Me: [forgot his name but don’t wanna be rude and ask for it] sup bitch
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident Me: say no more [Later] Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
HER: Let’s play questions ME: Ok HER: You start ME: Why do I shit with my legs crossed
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
DOCTOR: We’re gonna have to amputate above the knee. ME: But I can’t survive if I’m just a Leg.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something? [me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
GENIE: Alright you have one wish left are you sure there’s not something you’ve wanted to wish for? [gesturing to my son who’s in a wheel chair] ME: [holding beef jerky sticks] A third.
[zombie apocalypse] SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: what is this place Waiter: it’s a Lincoln assassination themed restaurant Me: that’s kinda fucked don’t you think? Waiter: Me: Waiter: so do u want a John Wilkes Booth or table
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can see into the future ME: Right INTERVIEWER: uhhh ok. next question, [points at shape on paper] what kind of triangle is this? ME: INTERVIEWER: Oh my god
[a banana doing his first open mic] Banana: orange ya glad I didn’t say me again Audience: [silent] Banana: so anyways abortion is back in the news
PIZZA GUY: You’re total is $26.34 ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had dollars PORN DIRECTOR: Cut WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession. WIFES FRIEND: Why? [I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor] ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory. ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat] ME: Oh no shit shit shit I hate people asking me if this tweet is true like no it’s not true there wasn’t a zombie apocalypse [spelling bee] Judge: your word is "restaurant" Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself [invention of stripper pole] FIREFIGHTER: *slides down pole* OTHER FIREFIGHTER: Damn Larry you’re just gonna have all that ass? No walking into bar jokes or I’ll beat all of your ass Comment a set up for a joke and I’ll make a punchline Doctor: now whatever you write on the birth certificate will be the child’s name Me: wait, that wasn’t just a piece of doodle paper? Wife: what? Big veiny penis: *crying* [at dinner] Her: how bout we take this back to my place Me: you mean like you want a to go box Me: I got a gumball machine like you asked Wife: *holding crying babies* I said diapers Me: Wife: Me: *patting my pockets* can I have a quarter I can’t reply to u all but thank u for ur words nintendo ds: you caught your first pokémon. what would you like to name it me: dickbutt nintendo ds: you want to name it dick butt me: no. dickbutt, one word nintendo ds: look dude i'm not naming it dickbutt Had to put down my pal today, I just wanna share some pics so you guys can love him also me: i was attacked by ninjas- doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce here’s a real short clip of my dumb ass doing stand up A first year student wizard places the hat on his head and is transformed into a bottle of tomato sauce. ‘Whoops,’ says Dumbledore. ‘That’s the saucing hat.’ [Preparing for rap battle] ME: *scribbling in notebook* any chance your mom is from Nantucket? CYCLOPS: *puts on monocle* BULLY: haha check out nerdy two eyes over here CYCLOPS: *a solitary tear forms* this is the happiest day of my life [Nature documentary] Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height. Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent? Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN First time dad: I’m in way over my head. OB: Sir, get outta there. The baby comes out to you. Nachos ALWAYS make my teeth sweat. I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators. Me: I’d like to report a gas leak. : Ok, can you tell me where it’s located? Me, giggling: In my butt. Kid: Mom, watch this! *does the floss* Me: Oh yeah, watch this! *breaks my hip* Out of all the presents my husband received this Father’s Day, my -year-old’s hour nap was the most heartfelt. My -year-old asked for long socks for his birthday so he’s either turning or . Me: C’mon. It’s time to get out of bed. -year-old: NEVER!! Me: That’s the spirit! Kid: How come Dan & Anna don’t have kids? Me: Some people don’t have kids right away. K: Why? Me: They don’t feel ready. K: Why? Me: Or they don’t want to have kids. K: Why Why Why Why Why Why WHY! Me: You’re answering your own question. [50 years from now] *visiting husband’s grave* “I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.” The very existence of sombreros suggests that somewhere there are some happy, go lucky ros Feeling groovy Might deee-lite later Her: I’m really into role reversal in the bedroom Me, trying to impress her: So... when are you going to move those wardrobes like I’ve asked one thousand times already, Derek!? The salmonella/romaine outbreak of was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since I always put the shopping carts back at the grocery store. I want the single moms to know I’m one of the good guys just in case I’m ever back on the market. gorl what that crushing sadness do I'm okay to make jokes at the eense of my exes because you can't spell eense without ex just saw my tweet in a porn wow that's amazing My celebrity tweets are actually reply guys. sure sex is great but have you ever slept the whole night without waking up in the middle Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad. Is that a horse cannon you got in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? This is how it starts, I whisper to myself as I sneak vodka in my Starbucks very berry refresher. It finally happened. After living here years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves. Blurry is better. *Brings him coffee in bed before he wakes up* Oh my God, calm down. I’m leaving. His wife: ... Oh my God, this is a secondhand merkin! Time to clean the house and gouge out my eyes. *Takes off all my clothes* Lick here and here and here and here and... Out of sight, but never out of mind. I knew you were edgy when I saw you didn’t have a pinned tweet That tweet was better when it was done by so and so who reworded it from what’s her face who saw it on Facebook in We’ve all got to be good at something but for a lot of you this doesn’t appear to be it Let’s all fuck off at the exact same time and see what happens Oh ye of little faith, you’ve got the right idea Me as an empath on twitter: Log the fuck off Me: I can’t buy the thing I really want because it’s$30 and that’s too much Me spending $40 at the dollar store: o n e dollar i have a cr*sh on someone please send your condolences I haven’t seen this dude in months and he just asked me if my hair has gotten longer. Nah man, my entire life, include my hair growth, halted while you were gone its saturday queen dont worry about what im gonna tweet Idk what cancer season even means but of course I fought with a cancer on this, the first day of cancer season Someone stopped up the break room bathroom and it is mildly inconveniencing me, so I think they should be fired I have decided to stop letting boys make me sad and just be mad instead I am very quick to block guys’ numbers because i know that men, if given the opportunity to elain themselves, will only make things worse I am so stupid and so tired please stop eecting things from me drunk me and sober me are not the same person. for example, drunk me is more assertive and also cleans my room. me: sitting in bed completely still pokémon go: WHOA HOLY SHIT YOURE GOING TOO FAST PLEASE GOD TELL ME YOURE A PASSENGER Sometimes I wonder if I’ve matched with any serial killers on tinder and then I remember that with the amount of white guys I match with the answer is a profound “yep” friendly reminder that no means no and yes also means no because premarital sex is a sin My coworker gave me$1 today and yoooo I‘ll be rich at this rate
ok so I managed to just push the earring through without having to go all out but I am kinda disappointed because that would have been a very funny IG live
GM! Starting off bright and early! This tweet brought to you by sober kt, mad on drunk kt’s behalf.
Who needs men? I can gaslight my own damn self
If there was such a thing as an adult sized happy meal, my depression would be cured
it’s been too long, idk how to behave
Me every day: all of my irl friends are busy, ughhhhh Me, finally hanging out with irl friends: *on twitter*
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True emo kids still try to do the lick salute in “Sugar We’re Goin Down”
Hey I have four Alexa devices you have to be nice and pay attention to me
if you come across this tweet follow me do NOT look at my content first
social eeriment: if you come across the tweet comment which Teletubby is your favorite - do NOT look at the comments first
Stop voting no!!!! Boring!!!!
After years of only wearing earrings once a year, one has closed up should I re-pierce it myself?
i dont want a boyfriend i want free clothes and normal brain chemistry
My anime pillow is a woman, I care about women's rights
am I allowed to make this my Facebook profile picture or will my mom be sad?
I made this only using snapchat and it shows
Wouldn’t it be nice if I had money, Then I could afford to go shopping And wouldn’t it be nice if I could do this, So that I can have some dopamine
Folks dating is NOT hard if you shift your mindset from I hope he chooses me, to he better hope I choose him.
how has this show not been canceled yet
at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer
Live, Laugh, Kirby
life is a highway and im going to lay in the middle of it at midnight dressed in all black
I am NOT abstinent by choice no one has Ever Tried to sleep with me. I am the opposite of sexually harassed every Moment of my life
whomst tryna be this kind of husband
I’m gonna start a YouTube account except it’s just gonna be videos of me doing mundane tasks in my every day life... wait what do you mean that idea is already taken
just found out boxing day commemorates when jesus was only two days old and had to prove himself in the ring against the manger animals. wild.
me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. the economy:
If you bite a popsicle, the end of it is what your arm looks like if it was cut off.
stuff is obsessed with costing like 12 Paramedic: she's dead. CBD bro: did you try giving her CBD. whenever someone says “that’s so funny” boop their nose and say “laugh then, dingus” if you or a loved one is afraid of Smoking a Weed because of your job, here’s a tip: just say you went to Colorado ya dingus. it’s legal there. say you go every weekend if that’s what it takes. officer smells weed in your car? you just bought the thing! from colorado! jesus “the toolman” christ Pride Month may be halfway over but if RuPaul walks onto Hollywood Boulevard and sees his shadow it’s more weeks of Pride my dad’s a gentle giant i’m jk but i can’t stop thinking about how many people think their dads have “doomsday” figured out. i keep envisioning an ultimate Dad-off when shit finally “hits the fan.” just dad’s going nuts with guns. dad’s eventually having to repopulate the world just found out Father’s Day is actually the day when My Dad kicks Your Dad’s ass [invention of writing] I dont want to have to speak to anybody from now on eating an edible for dinner. might wash it down with a glass of drinkable. after that? a little breathable might be nice but i’m not greedy i flirt with everyone. it’s called survival of the flirtest and i do it so nobody kills me. “you look great today marsha the cashier pls don’t stab me ok thx.” and it works every time wow. turns out the little t on people’s necklaces just stands for “tits” and i can fully support that. what’s that lil dude hanging out on some of them tho? oh he supports tits too? fucken sweet “Don’t spend it all in one place,” laughs my dad, handing me a Target gift card. “I won’t,” I promise, knowing full well they have at least stores Pisces is just Horoscope for fish and that’s why they’re compatible with Aquariums. Follow me for more Horoscope Insights. “You don’t seem bi.” Oh shit sorry forgot my Bi.D. Wanna just watch me parallel park a hybrid while we listen to Lizzo or ?? my father-in-law just yelled "I don't care who shot ziggy and two packs" the signs as mario characters: aries: mario taurus: bowser gemini: yoshi cancer: peach leo: goomba virgo: shy guy libra: boo scorpio: luigi sagittarius: toad capricorn: lakitu aquarius: blooper pisces: kamek i’m a textbook tuckold. i like to watch other people tuck in my loved ones. a wholesome tuck is all i ask huh. Not having a personality is a personality trait. who knew me to the boy my best friend just introduced me to: boy are you jim jones?? because these punchlines are very bad some dude in like , probably: women??? canNOT go to SPACE?!?!? with the decreased graVITY, their TITTIES would fALL clean OFf yeS i'm righ t i did th emath I love being an adult because I get to say shit like “sorry it’s been a weird week” every week for the rest of my life A d&d game where the player characters are the golden girls the signs as conspiracy theories: aries - /11 inside job taurus - fake moon landing gem - illuminati cancer - jfk shot by cia leo - flat earth virgo - chemtrails libra - crop circles scorp - reptilians sag - fluoride water cap - area aqua - ancient aliens pisces - the matrix the signs as drugs: aries - PCP taurus - cough syrup gemini - cocaine cancer - LSD leo - ecstasy virgo - alcohol libra - opiates scorpio - DMT sagittarius - ketamine capricorn - shrooms aquarius - nitrous pisces - all + weed the signs moral alignment lawful good - virgo neutral good - cancer, sagittarius chaotic good - leo, aquarius lawful neutral - libra, capricorn true neutral - pisces chaotic neutral - scorpio lawful evil - gemini neutral evil - aries chaotic evil - taurus nobody’s come up with the official male version of “sister wives” because honestly that’s just too many men old people love to complain about texting like it’s killing the art of conversation as if they didn’t literally train pigeons just to dispatch old timey dick pics just did a macrodose. go big and stay home imo hell i’d get jobs for both of them but ¢ on the dollar isn’t cutting it just killed a bug so big i feel like baltimore city police is going to have some questions for me in the morning my best friend has decided not to name any of the boys she likes until they’re worthy of it. i keep hearing stories about WhatsHisNuts or Hot Alcoholic Guy or simply: Juul Pod. and i respect it. If all the Sara(h)s born between -1996 got together and formed a coalition, we could be one of the most influential political groups of all time. a sign hangs above an establishment. it reads Good Vibes Only. "you guys go ahead", i say to no one in particular i feel like if someone really told me they were a cop i’d try to pretend i was too and see how long i could get away with it Libra: You’ve heard of sleeping with the fishes? Well now you’re sleeping with the snakes. Congrats on your bad life choices. in a weird turn of events the robbers are making glass breaking sounds with their mouths. now here comes a guy doing siren noises. busted. My wife got me glow in the dark condoms and then eected me NOT to make lightsaber noises during sex. Women are a mystery. Is this your st time at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting? Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why? NO OUTLET George Harri: here comes the son George Harrison: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: ah the lion, nature’s finest predator LION: wear something tasteful with a hint of mysterious sex appeal; a touch of cologne is ok, but don’t overdo; prepare a couple of colorful anecdotes that reveal the essence of your personality; ask her open-ended questi Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: So you could have a starring role in this dialogue tweet? Cop: OMG yes! Guy in the trunk: *muffled laughter* My tombstone is going to say, "I told you I was immortal." Me: So... edibles can mean marijuana, but it can also be sexy underwear. What if it was both? Marketing: We sell life insurance here, Simpson CEO: *loudly eating Cheetos* wait....let's hear him out, Phil The good news is that what I thought was a rat was actually just the kid’s hamster. The bad news is I’d already kicked it over the fence before I realised. This day in history. . The US Supreme Court ruled that Henry Miller's book Tropic of Cancer "cannot be banned for fuck's sake." I've got both feet on the ground next to my purple Bentley. It's not like we haven't all had a naked slip and slide incident in a puddle of cum before. I’m today. So naturally I woke up at :30 AM excited about using my new mower later. I need a werthers and some sanka. Hubble Telescope starts capturing image after image of dying galaxies and doomed planets. Then it turns its cameras on Earth and sends back to us one final picture zoomed in on our own stunned faces. How can it be both Midsummer's Day and the first day of Summer at the same time? And other things to keep me awake at night. Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun* It really grinds my gears, but not my weed, when my grinder is clogged. If it doesn’t look like someone just took you out of a high chair when you’re done eating, did you even enjoy your meal? "You should get bangs," Susan had told her. "You'd look really fabulous with bangs!" Darlene wasn’t sure just how yet, but Susan was going to pay. •exiting Noah's ark• Two lions Two hippos Two giraffes Two ostriches ,875,6325 rabbi...WTF Me: Oh no, here comes Jeff and his friend Bob. Friend: Jeff from work or Jeff that can't stop singing the Blue Moon song? Jeff: Hey guys, this is my friend Bob-bobobob a dangadangdiggy... My son's impression of me is just him staring at his palm. - In the pool- Me: I see you have the chemical that turns urine purple. This is embarrassing. Friend: No I don’t... Me: Huh. On an unrelated note, how are your kidneys? Friend: Let's play two truths and a lie. Me: Okay, me first. I hate you, I want you to die, I'm a zombie. Friend: Me: Friend: Me: *starts eating their face* This day in history. . The French Third Estate uttered the Tennis Court Oath: WHAT"S FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS. Whoever said the best things in life are free clearly never ate prison food. /5 stars, would not recommend*. *according to a friend… Interviewer: Your previous employer said you have a questionable work ethic. Me: That’s what she said? Interviewer: That’s what she said. Happy anniversary to everyone trapped for another year in this dimension when their space/time travel portal was accidentally closed by their mom back home when she tripped a breaker running the microwave and the dishwasher at the same time. Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day' Disney employee: I’m sorry sir, but you’ve been banned from the Jungle Cruise Axl Rose: *whispering* You’re gonna die [at work, am] the new guy: *walks up* Hi! Can I ask you a question? me: *staring out the window, stirring my morning coffee with a slice of bacon* the new guy: *backs away* CREATIVE DIRECTOR: your design is great but you forgot a call to action ME [hanging up with his mom]: did I tho No thanks, I’ll stay right hur. baby apple: mom, i don't feel so good mom apple: I think you have the flu [at the doctor's office] doctor: ok so where's my patient *looking up from clipboard* OH NO :'( [at lunch] Boss, interrupting: Oh sorry, you’re on lunch? Can you holler at me when you’re done. Me, cowering: Um, isn’t that your job, Sir? blowhard: who comforts the comforters? duvet cover: I'm your huckleberry, hoss Pharmacist: Viagra for Bryan! Spelled B-R-Y-A-N! Bryan: Geez, don’t embarrass me like that. Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way! Things that are not worth it: . Extended warranty . Raiding the hotel mini-bar . Extravagant wedding . Arguing online . Killing John Wick’s dog Today, I will prove that ghosts are actually a liquid. Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery [Later] Me: *gestures at kid* Well? Wife: i meant the hamster Ric Ocasek: *singing to a loaf of homemade bread* I guess you’re just what I kneaded Man Caves are OUT! Genderless Crying Dens are IN! At this point, there's a good chance an ICE abduction will happen in front of you. Don't stand by while your neighbors are taken away. Take pictures! Gather information! Report the raid! Each other is all we've got. Incredibly thankful for people like , who is using their platform to openly discuss what has happened and the institutions and people that have enabled this behavior to continue to thrive. They are putting themselves at risk by doing so, and to me that’s very brave. I deleted a tweet I made about a comic who said Lo*ie’s standing ovation last night was the best thing to happen all year because his fans found it and I can’t deal with death threats this week on top of losing Michelle and everything else. That’s the reality of speaking up. Ah yes, the main questions of journalism: Who? When? Where? Why? What does some dipshit think? This is disgusting. yeah i'm LGBT: Liberty Guns Beer Transgender My favorite joke. Now that Sporty’s, my favorite restaurant, is closing down, I must now announce a new favorite restaurant: The Super America gas station on Lexington Ave in Roseville, MN. The one right by my mom’s old apartment. Congratulations to all. I wrote about UCB for Slate: I have to agree with you there, Julie. Anyone who gives and a sketch show will get the next I Think You Should Leave HBO’s slogan: It’s not TV, it’s HBO. STARZ’ slogan: We always have Joe Dirt. This is good. This is healing. hmm... very suspicious Aries. I would never murder your father during my birthday month. please rt, this is for school social eeriment: if you come across this tweet comment your zodiac sign and whether or not you murdered my father on a brisk April morning in . DO NOT read the replies before you do. i'm tryna see something Grief’s favorite food is a pound of roast beef from Arby’s. Just loose in the bag. No bun. Thank you for the kind responses, everyone. It has been a truly rough few months. This is what every video on Cameo is like (by me and ) [Kitchen] *I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator* ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving} me: hoo-boy! *loosens belt* those were delicious! what did you say they were called? guy with me in nuclear bunker: rations we just gonna let toby keith get away with having two first names or what [Afterlife] Bird : All he had was one rock. Bird : His aim was perfection. the tv: seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all kids: oh no wife: oh no parents: oh no me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for minutes* oh no NO NO me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice [moments before the apocalypse] now to remove this mattress tag Death (beckoning to humanity): COME... IT IS THE END OF DAYS Greg, the Hell temp who never takes things seriously: lmao you mean nights? Death: *rubs temples* Greg why are you even here Greg: there was an extra horse [being murdered] me: hey murderer: what me: i do CrossFit [later] detective: it's like the killer vomited while stabbing him TSA AGENT: folks, no liquid containers over ounces CAMEL: oh no okay Mr. Vesuvius, how can we get you to volca-yes? [operating room] NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain... NURSE: *nods to assistant* he's ready for the rice now her: what should we do for our date tonight me: {remembers that girls like to be descaled every weeks} well I’ve got white vinegar under the sink if you need descaling her: what me: {remembers I sometimes think of Keurig maintenance tips accidentally when I’m nervous} oh no [visiting Hell as a tourist] Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled Satan: congratulations you get to stay here doctor: I’m concerned about that mole on your arm me: oh no doctor: yeah, typically we don’t allow animals in the hospital stand-up comedian: hey, don't forget to tip your servers! mark zuckerberg: won't that make them go offline "in a few miles turn left or something, i dunno" -google mehps gonads imply the existence of stopnads Of all the zoo animals, the most faithful is the penguin, which mates for life. The most treacherous? The Rhinoceross. He’s always like “we were on a break!” But we were NOT on a break, Rhinoceross. WE WERE NOT ON A BREAK. boss: John, we’re gonna have to let you go me: oh no is it the- boss: *nods* it’s the herb puns, John me: ugh every thyme [heaven] guy fieri: wow these ribs are great, what’d you put on them god: oh thanks but that wasn’t me... *points to his son, who’s hovering near a spice rack, making calculations* fieri (takes off sunglasses): you mean- god: yeah, jesus is the reason for the season her: i’m leaving you me: is it because i whisper too much her: kind of me: is it because the things i whisper are nursery rhymes her (nods): bingo me: ʷᵃˢ ʰⁱˢ ⁿᵃᵐᵉ⁻ᵒ [parallel universe] me: *walking into food court* oh good, a Panda Implicit me: sorry i’m late i was doing yard work my canadian friend: you were doing what God: I need one more rib please Adam: No God: Come on man, I can see the future... this is going to be a problem Adam: I said NO God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only Olive Garden a heist with Vin Diesel When you’re here, you’re family [open casket funeral] woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET waiter: how was your roast duck sir me: fine, i’ll take the bill now waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part me: no no, i need to pay waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir *loud clattering from God’s basement* Mrs. God: Hey, what’s all that racket? God (downstairs, inventing deer): JESUS CHRIST LINDA, I’M JUST TRYING TO MAKE A BUCK HERE Son: *cheerily* you call me, pop? me (out of breath): okay, what’s next personal trainer: *looks at clipboard* exercise balls me: jesus christ do we really need to work on THOSE too Me (reading a mildly racy tome by Nicholas Sparks): OH YEAH GIVE HER THE BUSINESS NOAH Nearby Patron: sir, please, this is a library Me: *nods* LEND HER THE BUSINESS NOAH me: what’s the frequency, kenneth neil degrasse tyson (slides his sunglasses down): actually watt is a unit of power me (pushes his sunglasses back up): actually it’s just a song neil degrasse tyson: *sniffles* me: hertz, don’t it [gas station] me: hey i typed in the bathroom code you gave me but i still can't open the door clerk: did you complete the craptcha who called it a church and not a savior complex him: woah, sick bass me: *hands fish tank to veterinarian* yes, that’s why I’m here [department store] elevator guy: third floor, menswear me: we swear on other fuckin floors too buddy Kid: why does Granny always smell like mothballs? Mom: because she’s old Granny (who is secretly having an affair with Jim the Moth Castrater): *mouths THANK YOU* patient (worried): I think it’s my prostate, doc... transformers doctor: well there’s no need to jump to any conclusions, mr. prime... *picks up chart* first let’s take a look at your carfax- just walked into a courtyard by marriott and asked the clerk who the rest of the hotel was by and she was less amused than i eected me (doing crossword): babe what’s a ten letter term for “nose candy” wife: snot butter me: what, no... *it fits* I can’t believe it wife: oh-ho YOU CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S SNOT BUTTER *pulls off mask to reveal she’s actually Sacha Baron Cohen* SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school ME: What's that? SON: A big building with lots of kids The sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy we deserve George Harri: here comes the son George Harrison: I don't use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never me: *responds maybe to a fb event* wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY genie: first wish me: I wish horses couldn’t talk genie: umm, ok they can’t me: this is too much power Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait. me: how bad is it dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise [later] wife: what did the doctor say me: linda....i’m dying Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs. Me: my therapist suggested i get a puppy to get me feeling motivated and refocused Him: okay but Me: i need A LOT of motivation Best gender reveal ever [first time in a restaurant] waiter: good evening me: I love your house CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie! [they embrace] OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself Cat: Me: Cat: ᵐᵘʳᵈᵉʳʳʳʳʳ Me: what Cat: meow ᵈᵉʳ Mixed up my first few blog topics and ended up writing about sex on a budget. how has this show not been canceled yet Him: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog. Boss: let's meet at am tomorrow Me: that's not gonna work for me Boss: your shift starts at Me: technically yes, but then there's minutes in the car looking at memes, minutes making a coffee, minutes pretending to poop... Boss: ok yes good point Me: *pumping iron at the gym* Trainer: need a hand? you look like you're struggling Me: *pumping more steam* yes these creases are so stubborn [ant colony] husband: I am beat wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift ,000 times his body weight? wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY [running into my ex] Ex: omg it’s you Me: yeah Ex: we should exchange numbers Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea Ex: you backed into my car though Me: look we've both moved on A man hands you a box. Telling you it is full of your worst fears. The reality is the box is empty but oh how you fill it still. You guys wanna see one of the clever uses for Twitter I've ever seen? Hit this up Abstracting the all you can eat buffet. The line between death and life is blurred, and it is unclear what is eating what. Florence becomes the machine Bleed Bleed Bleed Bleed Bleed Bleed Bleed, Banana God Also And are in this photo. You guys should follow them because they're good. Person: Should we invite Hat to the DM room? Other Person: No she just talks about how much she wants to kill Grimace. Meet the narrator Voiced by: Art by: Written by: me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses Local singles in your area have wounded you with their various blades. There's no use running now. They can smell blood for miles around Intern mixed up the textures causing several humans to be born with skin of quartz, of bismuth. Several rocks now made flesh. They both scream the same. It's not a real sport until someone ends up wrapped up in a rug and thrown into the sea because of the result The year is long dead brands bots flicker manufacturered quips back and forth to each other in one last gasp of electricity before going dark. Your perfect romantic match will be chosen by 'it that watches', an omnigendered paradoxical entity. Its judgment is final and very painful. Do you think I mind contaminations? That's a huge bonus! Like when I went back in time to spit in the primordial ooze. [Grocery Store] *Smashing watermelons with my fist* Me: These are all bad!!! "CAN WE INTEREST YOU IN A MULTI LEVEL MARKETING OPPORTUNITY‽" "HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS‽" Breaking news, local woman very excited for a sale on tarps. She's walking down the street in a hypnotic daze. Her hand gripping a bone saw. like yeah I would say I’m glad I have skin but at the same time I’m pretty fed up with the amount of maintenance required Humans are just ghost sweaters. I don't know who needs to hear this, but [unintelligible, bloodcurdling screaming] You can walk into the desert and bury your entire body in the sand and stay there no one will stop you You fucking troglodytes.... Just read some of the customer complaints from the whole Target thing. from that I have inferred that many of you do not deserve the oxygen that you breathe for being that cruel to retail workers. Come on down to home Depot so we can shuffle you off this mortal coil Here at Home Depot we will sell you the extension ladder that will send you to hell. Home Depot, get fitted for a suit of flame. Logic would dictate of course it would be your most powerful console you've ever designed. Just once I want to see a hardware dev say "Shit sucks yo. It's a major downgrade, we put sand in the hard drive and hucked it into the fucking sea" I hope people remember me for being really approachable and having a really inviting sense of humour You guys know when you open voice to text and it starts typing words you didn't say like "you will know suffering" and "I am behind you" hashtag relatable am I right guys? Carol Ann from our humans as a resource department says the blood machine started screaming last night in a cursed tongue and no one knows how to shut the dang thing off In ten years, he will be Gilthar, Scion of Despair, unquestioned Lord of the Barren Meadow. But for now, he is Jared in Marketing, and he's just spilled coffee on himself while retweeting his alumni squash team. Trusses bend and creak like something is swaying heavily from the rafters. The source doesn't want you just to hear it. It wants freedom. Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly. [googles 'how would I know if I were in spiderman homecoming'] Here at Shoney's our motto is "If the food doesn't kill you, the host will" Well well well it's birthday. I've made a wish on your behalf to our shared twisted blasphemous gods. I had to fill out so many forms to get this done...the sopping wet bag will be on your porch by tommorow I'm assured Jonathan threw a bottle at the TV during a viewing of the th Sense when the child said 'I see dead people' he replied quietly "who doesn't....." The hills are alive with the sound of music. They've been chanting in unison for days now. The clouds are growing dark. And I don't need any of you wild eyed heteros in my fucking mentions either, my stance on this IS VERY clear. Don't waste your breath Nevada ramped up its legal attack on the opioid crisis, suing companies that have "the deaths of thousands of Nevadans ... on their hands," state Attorney General Aaron Ford said. America’s finest booze innovators have begun to sell ice pops filled with wine, spirits and a ton of fruit flavors. And who better to give these a test drive than some of the busiest people in America, moms? We asked three bartenders to blindly taste the canned cocktails on the market. Here are their recommendations. The basic recipe for sweet tea is simple, but there are so many ways to customize this beloved beverage. Meet Nic and Carla, a married couple who travel the country in their tractor trailer. On their YouTube channel they share their eeriences and address challenges they face in the trucking industry. Nikki Howard and Jaqui Wright quit their government jobs to make cheesecakes full-time. The move has paid off. Netflix probably didn't intend for you to be able to see a few of these. These funny tweets will resonate with people living that plant-based life. Six women bravely told me what it's like to discover that you've been deepfaked into porn: "These things are so horribly believable," one said. “It’s grotesque to know it lives out there and there’s nothing I can do.” Too busy to make dinner tonight? These meal services are for you. About % of Americans admit to sexting at least once in their lives, while % have done it in the past year. This new garlic-peeling hack seemed too good to be true, so we tried it to find out. A score of or higher is needed to get the best interest rates. How do you measure up? ″I can’t concentrate on your sermon because you’re so pretty.” Here are the kinds of comments female pastors have to deal with. Here are four essential tips for taking travel photos, according to Instagrammers who know a thing or two. Ordinary women are being deepfaked into porn. Here are their stories. The Hyde Amendment puts a price on abortion that many women can't pay. For years the author has wondered where any reasonably progressive parent can find a religious upbringing their child won't have to unlearn later. Looking for a trendy way to update your summer wardrobe? The puffy headband is here for you. Discussing how PTSD affects a trauma survivor’s sexual wellness is still largely considered taboo. It's time to change that. God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly. Her: I need my pipes unclogged Me: No problem Her: Maybe you can... snake my drain Me: That's my first option, yes Her: Are you gonna screw me or not? Me: Well I do bill by the hour Porn Director: Cut DENTIST: oh boy looks like you have several cavities ME [proudly]: but I like brushing my butthole the best famous saying: the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. cholesterol: sweet If you use the words summer and winter as verbs, you get the % marginal tax rate. [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it Was trying to snuggle my boyfriend and got a “these memes are not going to look at themselves” response [At the gates of Heaven] Angel: Welcome to our beautiful kingdom! Me: *Hears Christian rock playing in the distance* I’m going to need you to transfer me to the hot place with the good music. If you don't say 'haha' after everything you write, will they even know you're easygoing and breezy? Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say. Off Medium Low Off High Low Off Still Off Medium Jet Engine Off Medium Low High Off -ceiling fans *listens to smells like teen spirit* i do not understand what he's saying *reads smells like teen spirit lyrics* i do not understand what he's saying I watched the new Mötley Crüe movie and caught hepätitis Her: You wanna Netflix and chill? Me: I don't have Netflix Her: It means sex Me: Oh right no I don't have that either [first day in space] ME: *poops into the air and it begins floating* ˢᴾᴬᶜᴱ ᴸᴼᴳ OTHER ASTRONAUT: holy hell what? ME: *does a little more* ᴬˢˢᵀᴱᴿᴼᴵᴰˢ They finally closed LA. Kidnapper: We have your wife Me: Put her on the phone right now you son of a Kidnapper: She's here Me: Amy what's that pasta sauce I like? My bicycle keeps falling down. I just can’t stand it. *one night stand* Me: wake me up before you go? *next morning* Me, strung from the ceiling like a yo-yo: gosh darn it WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there'll be more of them Doctor: I have good news and I have bad news. Me: Ugh. Bad news first. Doctor: You have months to live. Me: Wha- What's the GOOD news?! Doctor: You'll be dead long before your wife gives birth to my son. Egg poach Egg plant false evidence Egg play shell game Egg bad egg me *first time watching a porno*: they must'a took off their wedding rings for this. Pound for pound I'm the best fighter in this Yankee Candle shop. He dyed doing what he loved...staring in the mirror, thinking, "It's about time I did something about these greys." Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a mile radius. *everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year* Me: What? All the dads from Infographics, Inc. have been fired en masse; none of them would stop putting “warning: graphic content” on the first slide of all their PowerPoint presentations, despite numerous warnings from corporate Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party! Patient: But my birthday's not till next month Doc:Which brings me to the bad news my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans what scares me is that she didn’t care *releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed [first day working at a Mexican restaurant] HER: do you have pollo? ME: *whispers* oh my no i was vaccinated [Sitting in traffic] This would be a lot easier with a car. Football player: please God, let my team win God: ok sure, that’s simple enough Football player on other team: God please let my team win God: oh no Sketch Artist: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw* Camel *in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes* that's him My Fleshlight is just a paper towel tube hooked to a Sonicare. “You may be wondering why I asked you all here today” ME: i’m worried because my erection isn’t going away DOCTOR: how long has it been? ME: idk i think it made four inches once DOCTOR: ME: oh, sorry, four hours (restaurant) WAITER: enjoy your dinner ME: you too WAITER: *chuckles* ME: *pulls out chair* I said you too cashier: would you like a receipt? me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me) cashier: well? me: I want to talk to a lawyer analysis complete birds are just inside out pillows prove me wrong Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN the heel of the loaf? Let’s play DnD! Vote in the polls and leave comments to make decisions that affect your destiny... and perhaps even the future of all. Our story begins on the Sword Coast of Faérun in the city of Neverwinter, the Jewel of the North... i have the most supportive friends this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles wife: are you awake? I had the craziest dream we were at my parent's house but it wasn't my parent's house, it was an Olive Garden there was a girl, you remember Christina? but her hair was spaghetti and... me: g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g ^ tilt your head to the left for a tiny Arsenio Hall studio audience wife: omg did you hear abou- me: yes cop: you're free to go me: but cop: go on now me: please cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE me: *runs into the forest* cop: :'( People think missionary is boring but I literally can't cum until I convert a Pagan to Christianity kid: you said if I got good grades we'd go to Disneyworld me: yup kid: but this is Delaware me: oh now look who suddenly understands geography me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out Me: [screaming] You: [screaming] All of us: [screaming] Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit [primer dia como policia] yo: ¿donde estan los bandidos? informante: allá yo: ¡Cuidado el sabe karate! me: hoo-boy! *loosens belt* those were delicious! what did you say they were called? guy with me in nuclear bunker: rations son: I forgot to close the gate and Marauders looted our gasoline and fresh water max: I'm not Mad Max at you, I'm just Disappointed Max [amid a dry and desolate landscape a solitary flower sprouts through the rubble into full magestic bloom] me: *sneezes from fucking allergies* Neil DeGrasse Tyson: billion years from now the Sun will eand into a red giant consuming everything on Earth me: I meant when does the last train leave 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol? my heart: yes and also start eating better? my brian: do whta yuo liek. me: love you, brian. Waiter: Sorry about that guys but we did warn you it gets WILD in here. Anyway my names Rob can I start you with some Ultimate Nachos? “I personally feel that masturbating without any lube is more challenging and satisfying.” please reply below to this tweet with the last sentence you text someone on your phone. i’ll start: hey honey, if you scroll past this tweet, i’m in the bedroom toilet and i’m out of wet wipes. please help. respond below with the emoji that best describes your mood all day: me: can i get a chalupa supreme? tacobell drivethru: ok. wud that be it? me: lol no...[deep breath in] cry (30 mins) beg god for forgiveness (30 mins) please reply to this tweet with thing you do right after sex. I'll start: what does this warning say about meme? I’LL LOOK AT AS MANY MEMES AS I WANT TO WHILE DRIVING! I DONT GIVE A HECK! fuck. please reply to this tweet with fuck. i’ll start: your mother. please reply to this tweet with the last person you’ve thought about sexually, i’ll start: cloud bathing >>>> sun bathing my dad. please reply to this tweet with the last person you’ve disappointed. I’ll start: Same to the gentleman whose tailgating my ass, would it be easier for you to park your car and come sit in my passenger seat? im trying to pick a youtube video to watch and you’re very distracting. its a beautiful sunny morning so imma watch something cheery and pleasant on netflix. ugly people love staring at pretty people. I personally dont mind yall staring but try to be discreet smh. this is weird. i just cameback to zero notifications, is twitter down? hahaha im dead y'all crazy please do not reply to this tweet with the last picture you've saved on your phone. i’ll not start: GUY: What does it eat? ME: [falcon perched on shoulder] Updog *falcon starts break dancing* ME: Not yet Tyler, wait until he asks what it is Factual error: There's no such thing as a "prince of whales." F - my mom said if i dont get K followers by end of the month, i have to move out of the basement me: [doing crossword] three letter word; the last name of john lennon’s wife. dad: ono. mom: ono. [kool aid guy breaks thru the wall] today’s horoscope: aries: sex taurus: sex gemini: sex cancer: sex leo: sex virgo: sex libra: corrects grammar of others scorpio: sex sagittarius: sex capricorn: sex aquarius: sex pisces: sex its imp to know who has the right of way at any point while driving? the answer is risk takers. today’s whorescope aries: safe taurus: safe gemini: safe cancer: safe leo: safe virgo: safe libra: safe scorpio: herpes sagittarius: safe bcoz no sex lol capricorn: safe aquarius: safe pisces: safe huahahahaha Dog : what's your emer- Dog: MY HUMAN LEFT ME AT A STRANGE PLACE WITH OTHER DOGS FOR MANY MEALS Dog : stay calm Dog: WAIT MY HUMAN'S FINALLY BACK TO SAVE ME BUT IS TAN NOW Dog : OMG Dog: OMG Dog : OMG Cal must be from California. Del must be from Delaware. Flo must be from Florida. Ida must be from Idaho. People called Tex are from Texas. It’s the law. So too, people called Ari are from Arizona. It’s the law people. You can go to jail if you don’t follow the law. everyone else: rap songs. australians: fasty talkies. from: bank subject: 𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐎𝐘𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝐨𝐧 𝐮𝐬! 𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐎𝐘 $𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝐨𝐧 𝐮𝐬! When you open a Savings account*, deposit$50,000 or more in new money within business days and maintain a $50,000 balance for days** Me trying to adapt to any social situation and societal norms. bro, like isn’t it strange how “towards” is an one word? ME *traps wasp under a cup* MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down more cups* ME: no MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them* Skeletons in medieval art My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at :30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot. I am starting my own bicycle style newspaper route, but instead of newspapers I will throw a goddamn delicious hoagie at your front door every morning. Grateful to be living in the "Tetris when it's going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up" era of human history [me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious The only thing that matters in a movie is whether the cast is listed alphabetically or in order of appearance. It is all a build up to that reveal. Pros of being conscious: -your mind is literally a podcast curated for you based on your eeriences. Cons of being conscious: -most of the content makes you sad Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards? honk if your species killed the Great Barrier Reef earth: I’m dying humans: I’m sorry you feel that way Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket. so are you ..you know *mimes cuffing jeans* bisexual? The desman is a weird, semi-aquatic mammal related to moles. (Photos: Igor Shpilenok) When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job" sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes If you smash open a carousel horse like a piñata, it is filled with olives and feta and sun-dried tomatoes. The light is fading... I need more lizards [an argument] her: why are you so angry? me: BECAUSE I REALIZE I AM IN THE WRONG AND AM SLIGHTLY DEFENSIVE AND ALSO MAD AT MYSELF her: k can you stop tho? me: YES I JUST NEED A MOMENT BC I HAVE POOR COPING MECHANISMS ) U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said We need a president with the courage to touch a hot stove, burn his hand, then touch it again mere seconds later to make sure it's still hot I want a grizzly bear to eat me like a corncob [three weird tweets through which I attempt to bring people joy followed by a rt about genocide] I’m sorry. *fwoop* Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space. Oh I get it. Fun onions. haHA! I have bamboozled you into sending me photos of lizards. A well hatched scheme imo If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within minutes you can assume I am dead. horses and time: two things you probably would like to learn about sequentially geese are such long birds if u have a bone to pick, we suggest the strawberry bones The nice thing about history repeating itself is it's all automatic. You don't even have to do anything Happy Saturday!! if you’re looking for something happy and interesting to scroll here on The Website, is running a very cool interactive game of D&D on his timeline. Come play along! your mom gives me a small baked snack. it's on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too who made this I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time I've already accomplished* so much today *been afraid of a goose Ladies, if he's: - Possessive - Confusing - Never where he's supposed to be ...He's not your man. He's an apostrophe My daughter has her sports day tomorrow so we're crossing our fingers. Currently it's looking hopeful Me as a teacher: ok who can tell me how to solve the problem on the board? Student: it just says “I’m lonely” On Friday we were told that Greenpeace woman could have been armed so Mark Field was justified in grabbing her because it's better safe than sorry. Today we're told neighbours who hear prolonged screaming should just cross their fingers and hope it's just a lovers tiff. Dan Aykroyd's character in Trading Places is a racist, even after he had the whole eerience of being poor, yet at the end we're supposed to celebrate his success. Sunday morning quiz: What links the actors James Brolin, John Astin and Keith Carradine? Clue: A film is key. trashfashionshit on Instagram is just wonderful. Look at this flailing fleshy Wizbit! how has this show not been canceled yet My favourite piece of IMDB trivia is that January Jones has been romantically linked with two men with pork-based surnames: Jon Hamm in Mad Men and Kevin Bacon in X-Men: First Class. CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie! [they embrace] OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself [Pelican family pay for meal with a$100 note] Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills? Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir
...it'd be a shame if entropy came along and ruined it.
I've thought of a terrible joke "We arrested a drone for spying but it's not talking" "Cagey bee?" "No, CIA"
Switching to half-fat butter is really helping me lose weight. It's so horrible that I've stopped eating toast.
The first Harry Potter book was called The Philosopher's Stone in Britain and The Sorcerer's Stone in America. The two versions are known collectively as The Rowling Stones.
Squirrel : Were you looking at my nuts? Squirrel : Just pecan....
'Acted on impulse' brings to mind the old adverts when it meant giving a woman flowers. Now it's grabbing her by the neck.
...The same drive to my mum's house also takes me past Butt Lane in Shitterton. BTW, I hope you appreciate that I'm posting this nonsense as an alternative to all the political tweets.
After years of having a smirk whenever I drive through 'Limpley Stoke', I just got extra childish satisfaction when I realised it's in Wiltshire.
Weird people citing Jo Cox to defend Mark Field, effectively citing the murder of one woman by a man to justify the assault of another woman by a man.
Sex is great but have you tried making a list and including a few really easy jobs so you get to cross them off a few minutes later and feel like you're really cooking now?
Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body. Me: *with chalk* I. The head A. The face . Eyes . Nose . Mouth a. Teeth
My kid: what were you like when you were a kid? Me:
He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before
Hey HEY You YOU I don’t like your crab friend No way NO WAY Because he tried to pinch me Hey HEY You YOU Please remove your crab friend
Some people call me the snacks cowboy Some call me the gangster of fudge Some people call me ‘more eats’ Melting cheese into a tasty queso sludge
‘Cause baby you’re a loud-ass bird Waking up the whole damn earth You keep goin' CAW CAW CAW As you shoot across the sky-y-y
ok when did they invent hearts of palm
Why would I spent time doing this
waiter: i'll be right back with your drinks diner: hey we were drinking those
oh jeepers creepers, where’d ya get those peepers? jeepers creepers: *lowers binoculars* Target
The Spy Kids are given gushers filled with cyanide to take in case their mission gets compromised
[after sending daughter to her grandparents house for the day] cleans house does laundry draws a horse/duck hybrid
*pronounces b-hole like frijole*
I am barely breathing But I just climbed stairs Don’t know why I’m wheezing Sir, can I use your chair?
me standing next to a tall male male: ... me: I’M FIVE EIGHT AND THAT’S TALL FOR A GIRL
[desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats

there’s no i in self-esteem
ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species. KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at .
The first and second sneeze warrants a “bless you”. Anything after that gets you an eye roll and “grow up”.
Nas: Don’t say my car’s topless/Say “the titties is out” Literally Everybody In The World: Absolutely not
me: [imagining a train made of bamboo, traveling across a jungle] i’m excited her: panda eress is a chinese restaurant me: her: not a transportation system for pandas me: i’m less excited
. Bruce Springsteen To Run In The USA Born
Friend: try this. It tastes terrible Me, who dislikes myself: ok
[First date at an aquarium] Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board Him: Me: SHARK-uterie Him: uhh Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ
Me: I told dad to google this place so we didn’t end up in some spooky ghost town Her: *whispering* cemetery, honey Priest: would anyone else like to share?
waiter: do you need some time? paul simon: [reconsidering 'rosemary and turmeric'] yes
What if a grimace costume was cheaper than a sleeping bag so someone just used it as one
Bergalicious definition make that ice go floato They want my waters, so they try some spotters from their boato they can't see me when they speedy I ain't easy but I'm freezy I got reasons why I sink em Ships just come and go like seasons Bergalicious Titanic: It's not hot hot
was just thinking about how hands are the spiders of the body
Him: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.
diner: can i have a table for two please? hostess: was that plea one of them?
[life goals in the climate crisis] List of places to see before I die: about List of places that’ll die before I see them: everything within miles of the ocean
toy story is the best heist movie ever made
Might fuck around and subtweet tweeters who use subtweets to tweet tweeters who subtweet tweeters
When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.
My wife caught me with another woman* *2lb bag of gummy worms
I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.
diner: this dish wasn't made with gluten, was it? chef: [waving off his sous-chef, the pillsbury doughboy] of course not
I don't do dating apps. I'll take my rejection the old fashioned way. In person.
I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE A HANDBASKET
Where would you rather live?
[ordering from the dollar menu] me: I'll have dollars plz
Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Yes, why are they called porn stars and not coming attractions? Interviewer: I mean questions about the job...
Kid: If the dinosaurs were still here they'd kill all the people. Me, watching plastic pollution slowly destroy the earth: They still might.
What?!!
The first and second sneeze warrants a “bless you”. Anything after that gets you an eye roll and “grow up”.
[Bob Marley voice]: Juggalo soldier, Insane clownster
Playing ’fuck, marry, kill‘ with husband. So far we’re married.
Fool me Beyonce, shame on you. Fool me Beytwice, shame on me.
there’s no i in self-esteem
putting cool gothic steeples everywhere was my trademark as an architect and i'll be damned if i change that now that i'm a plastic surgeon
Precum should be called prenut butter
A rare animal that cries like a man was found in Arabian peninsula. They used to believe that the cry was of the dead souls from the graves until they found it crying.
When hipster banshees want a break from reaping souls they hit the local sushi shop in search of rolls.
. Weekend Twitter Tweet Call I’m going to drop a draft that I wrote in my sleep and you reply w a tweet for it. Got it? Go! Sushi and the Banshees
The worst thing that could have happened
I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.
My nudes come with an apology letter.
Masturbation is great if you can pull it off
I don’t know how we will move on
me: hey why- librarian: shh me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ librarian: they'll hear us me: who is they the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB- librarian: SHH the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ
*visiting Ireland* mee: ooo! dis scaree clifsyde! Banshees: *appear, scream nonstop* mee: y u so lowd? Banshees: *screaming nonstop* mee: ur bref smelz lyk fishees Banshees: *screaming non-st-* Oh my! Really? mee: yesss u tayk dese now *hands out Wintergreen Lifesavers*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haunted nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted
“She stole the weights and then wrecked the gym equipment, what should I do?” “Sue she, and then ban she.”
[Trivia Game] Answer: Sushi and the Banshees Question: Name of the band whose songs are about taking small children to restaurants
The Banshees, a punk band originating from the early 's, were known for their drunken infighting and ridiculous sushi eating contests. Their second drummer notoriously died after consuming too much raw salmon in .
My two goldfish, Sushi and the Banshees were named because one was delicious and the other had multiple personalities...
me: you’re dumping me? her: you can’t keep my name straight r e me: but a g r t I love you! m a her: that’s not my name
Banshee sells sushi shells down by the sea shore
Sashimi battles the pink robots.
Sushi and Banshees, both can give you worms if you're not careful.
Sushi and the Banshees are what I call my genitalia
ah yes the two genders; sushi, and banshees
My husband suggested we go on a hike today, so if I show up “missing” tomorrow... it’s because I left him for a man that doesn’t make me exercise.
I just wiped out on my bike right in front of a garage sale so that was pretty cool
[gets anchor tattoo removed] Oh dear [slowly floats towards the sun]
Opinions are like assholes: I want a taste of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
my aunt just created a group chat called Cheryl's Surprise Party and then left the group. i'm feeling a lot of emotions but mostly respect
there’s no i in self-esteem
everyone please share something that bothered u about a movie that isn’t talked about enough. i’ll go first. naming the ant in bugs life “Flick” is super insensitive to ants that have died from flicking. it’s like if they named bambi “Shotgun”
do u guys have any idea how much work i put in making sure my tweets are in lower case so it looks like i don’t invest my entire self esteem into each one
Doctor: [hiding behind couch] how was work today honey? Teacher: a student gave me an apple Doctor: [muttering] of course they did
someone please invent a peanut butter jar with a cap on each side so i can just flip it over instead of reaching for the bottom. i don’t even care about the patent. don’t pay me. just make this a thing.
i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso
whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”
[spelling bee] Judge: your word is "restaurant" Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself
my high school had a $10 fine for swearing on campus. one time a kid got caught saying ‘shit’ during gym. when the principal told him to pay up, he handed him a twenty and said keep the fuckin change. can we talk about how cute motorcycle gangs are? - inseparable friends - matching outfits - going on adventures together what wholesome adorable fun. lucky ducks. just found out there are people who eat kitkats layer by layer and i’d like all of those people to please come forward so i can protect my family [in a world where the only thing people can say is i love you] my dad: Me: and they all lived happily ever after. the end Daughter: happily ever after my ass Me: [closing the book and kissing her forehead] that’s right sweetie Son in Law: can u read us one more story i’m not tired yet stages of a relationship - "hanging out" - "seeing someone" - dating - sitting in a tree - k-i-s-s-i-n-g - love - marriage - baby carriage - divorce - sex guys i'm almost at k followers. super exciting. k. that's the big one. the one that gives me self esteem. if u guys don’t start retweeting the tweets i’m proud of i swear to god I’m gonna probly adjust my tweeting style to ur liking because i need u i made a chart please look the goal is to get big enough on twitter that i don’t need google. just tweet out shit like “where the hell is New Hampshire” and get the answers i need from my trusty followers missed u guys but i still have writer's block. reply with a joke setup and i'll do the punchline. forgot i had this idea and now it’s messing me up [in bed] HER: do u wanna spoon ME: *eating oatmeal with my hands* not right now mom CAMEL : hey can u hold this for me? CAMEL : uh i kinda have my hands full CAMEL : don’t be like that it’s one straw adam levine said "one more fucking love song i'll be sick" and then wrote more love songs and we let him get away with it Kix cereal says “Kid Tested, Mother Approved.” How is this mom approving what she hasn’t tested? And did the kid approve or not? Shouldn’t product quality be measured by the actual consumer’s eerience? Also. Cocoa Pebbles. No one has seen the Flintstones in decades. Stop it. [9 o’clock on a Saturday] THE REGULAR CROWD: *shuffles in* PIANO MAN: hi guys! good to see y— THEM: do a song, music boy Me: i want to— Therapist: try saying “i will” instead of “i want to” Me: ok i WILL apologize for putting crystal light in your fishtank Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in . So yeah, Connor, please elain to me how called saying they want my monocle back. i'm doing my best but if i don't get to u and u decide to hate me just remember i hate me more also my followers come first cuz i wouldn't be making all this twitter money if not for them hello my honey bunches of oats. it’s time to play our favorite game. reply with ur face. smile for a roast OR look sad for a not-roast VERIZON: we are America’s Most Reliable Network AT&T: we’re like basically just as good it’s a tie T-MOBILE: pink!!! SPRINT: remember that verizon guy with the glasses lmao can’t wait to hit K followers so i can finally retire with my twitter wife and twitter family [April , ] PAUL REVERE: *riding through the streets* the British are coming! PAUL REVERE’S EX WIFE: *yelling back* They’re probably faking it! [4 minutes of silence after sex] PAUL REVERE: i- HER: are u even british? [second day as traffic reporter] ME: it seems people still don’t enjoy traffic Jennifer back to you me: deers grammar: deer me: why grammar: because fuck you damn it just hit me. the tweet itself is haiku. what are the chances! forgive me for getting political but there is a bowling alley in the white house and i would like to know what the screen graphics are for strikes and gutterballs ME: what's a haiku? PROFESSOR: five, seven, five ME: got it thank you [tree falls in forest] [doesnt make a sound] GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the— TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL HE'S HOME Behind every successful woman is a man who’s going to put his hands on her lower back to “just scootch past ya” Frig it’s so hot I almost want to let go of feuds and old arguments to focus on staying cool but nice try climate change you almost had me I still hate my mom and want my ex to send me my wallet Dear Fans: performed on the Awards with & the crowd was hyped to see him! Why? Because we're inclusive people & the song is a hit! We eect the same love when Black artists show up at the okay? Dating an American guy is the “is Pepsi ok?” of relationship types, but you have to be like “ya it’s fine” cause you need a greencard even though it’s NOT OK Happy anniversary to the day my sister in law let me borrow a German Dirndl and I unknowingly picked her wedding dress and she just let me do it cause she’s nice! Here I am in the background matching my brother’s lederhosen at their wedding! How does Canada have free healthcare but not cashapp and instagram music You come home and your boyfriend is tweeting homophobic inflammatory shit about children wyd? I have a long, rich history of putting men I date on pedestals for the smallest of reasons. Signal boost for a ridiculously talented, driven and god damn delightful to be around comedian . If you don’t already follow her on Twitter, do. Her joke per min output is insane. If you haven’t hired her for your room, DO! See above for joke per min skills. Happy anniversary to the time I went to Pride Parade with my da and he thought the bondage guys were dressed as Spider-Man Teach a woman to carry an umbrella, she will be dry for a day Have a roommate who works at a bar, have umbrellas for the rest of your life In Canada, everyone gets to have one good year. Good luck to this years recipient! You’re half way through, save that money! Every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is. Like an aged wine, I definitely turned at some point and now I'm just hanging out in a cold basement becoming progressively more sour. I hope to age like a fine wine: alone in my house. Tag yourself I’m a Fanny pack I’m aging like a fine wine. In a basement, unappreciated by men my age. Being poly isn’t for me unless I have to do bringer shows So embarrassing! It's but I'm still writing War in Iraq on all my checks smh Toy story better not bring that incinerator bullshit back I don’t need more panic attacks And in the final days, as the world burned, oceans lapped at doorsteps, and Thunder Snow fell in the mountains, people passed the time arguing over what to call the illegal detention of children. And thus it became clear to all that the end really couldn’t come soon enough. Ya so good to be back in Toronto where the girls at the hair store will politely encourage me to put back one of the diy hair extension kits (the rose gold one, they know best) i would APPRECIATE IT of you could respond IMMEDIATELY to the email I was three weeks late in sending you, it's called politeness look it up Tonight Toronto at the emmet Ray? You can see me??? Ok No, you won't. Oops calculated kg to lbs backwards, it’s 4 lbs weee I bought a quarter pound of Matcha and I’m pretty sure my heart beat thinks I discovered time travel Lawyer: So your bother is a lawyer. Me:Yes. And my sister. And my other brother too. Lawyer: well your parents must be very proud. And you’re a comedian? Me: yes our immigrant parents love us the same amount, no further questions. Board man has a finsta Tyler Perry and Kanye West star in Tyler Perry and Kanye West directed by Tyler Perry and Kanye West with music by Tyler Perry and Kanye Wes There are things I am absolutely sure about: . Climate change . My cat will one day kill a mouse and try and shove it in my mouth when I'm sleeping Using a cup and a magazine to safely remove a boy from my apartment without killing them. When you laugh along to your friends roasting you I've been talking about making this for so long and finally got around to it. Buy your own at … LMAO DENISE!!! This could be us but you’re a man made of magnets OH HI! My friend sent me a dm to warn me that Kawhi was wearing grey sweats Everytime I've come across the video of Doug Ford getting booed I rewatch it. Move to make a Quote-Unquote system for and un I wander. No clue what's happening. Very little skills I was having a dream where I was replacing the a, b and c containers in the cheese organizers with the replacement cheese and then a robocall woke me up now I'll never know what the fuck that means Look I'm just here to be funny but my inability to think up a joke is making that really difficult If you DID NOT learn about Juneteenth in school, RT this, I’m really trying to see something. Me: y'all leave the apartment and I suddenly lose all sense of self Teagan: I've noticed, your Snapchats have gotten progressively weirder Me: -puts a comma in a sentence- The hemmingway editor: Me: Animal crossing: New Horizons allowing you to control the facial features and general design of your villager is an improvement to the game world Me:.... Me: bUt WhAt Do YoU tHiNk mY fAcE sHoUlD lOoK lIkE bAsEd On AnSwErS tO aN iRrElEvAnT ShOrT QuIz why do birthdays stop being good? because you get old and you have had so many they are boring!! I have officially lost my status as a rude teen. Needless to say, I am devastated Ol timey drinkin diddies are my specialty Y'all ever see something pink purple and blue on someone and you gotta take a second like "Bi or 'edgy feminine' color pallet?" Am I... An e-girl? E?!!girl ?? I hope bitch For my follow Friday I would like to suggest following me. I'm pretty fucking cool, tbh Literally every character in Shrek the musical has no business being so thicc Simultaneously swooning and rolling my eyes Clown is a slur To fix my mistake For Halloween, should I go as the giant baby from Spirited Away? My new therapist is a bad bitch Can I make it anymore obvious? God goes whoop there’s just something about how geminis hype up their own season that......makes it sound like a threat Me: wasn't that the deal with Vidia? Wasn't she a speed fairy? Teagan: It's possible, but today is not the day to recall... Gay rats!!!!!! What would you do if you had the ring from Lord of the Rings? Cause if I were to wield it I may be corrupted but man I'd also be fun i hate facebook i just watched a video of a girl chase rum with RANCH Me, after things take a turn and I get serious dating myself: For karaoke night I'll be singing my own, modern cover of Hoziers newest album. I call it "Wasteland, I'm Baby!" chris hemsworth is so sexy Honestly need a date just so at summertime bonfires someone else will cook my food for me when I don't want too why is lena the worst cause she is Attempts to take a photo of the inside of my ear canal has remained fruitless, despite use of mirrors, flashlights, and front facing camera Confession time. In the sixth grade, some kids asked if I even knew what That's What She Said meant, and I said I did when really I didn't. No one: Western students: Me, my fingers covered in grease from the massive breakfast burrito I ate in under minutes: honestly how am I even still single I'm a catch Gonna sell my baby for a bicycle to improve my credit score What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick! When its teeth are all bent, And it lives near a vent, That's a Moray When there's no pelvic fin, Covered in thick skin, That's a Moray This guy once told me you're never more than ft away from a rat. Suspicious looking chap. Pointy face. Long tail My name is Joss I was born to be alone My age is so bad I like to know how much I can do to help you guys out This is why none of them came to my brunch, isn’t it? Flu season my ass... I CAN’T STAY MAD THEY TOO SESSY I think Democrats are vastly underestimating the ways a corrupt and lawless president can use the powers of the presidency itself to cheat in an election. at LAST! The greatest story seldom told! I love this man and that work and yes, this RT is straight-up a brag The least we can do. (And if you rack up enough “leasts”, you level up to the LESS we can do - and from there to the actual amount we can do to protect human rights! p sweet deal imho) Pay attention to Sarah Ullman (aka ). She combines media savvy, political vision & a lifelong passion to take gun violence out of our culture. has & will make real change for the better. Follow, donate, volunteer, RT - and watch good done well. he’s still cool Oh I missed part of the title my bad … Elizabeth Warren was doing highly paid legal work while teaching at Ivy League universities. I’ve tried to keep an open mind, but you can’t ignore something like that. Where do I volunteer? Voting makes a difference. No matter how bored you are over Brexit, go out and vote. Any vote for Farage on Thursday won’t be seen by him as a protest but as support for his brand of far-right U.K. politics. The more votes against him, the greater the chance of stopping him. Okay, I finally watched FLEABAG, it was fine I guess but I have an issue, minor spoilers - at the end, how do I watch anything else or make anything else or live my life or breathe or feel or care or walk or fly did I fly am I here is it me do I live though this now what how but hi guys! i have a big favor to ask, which is very hard for me to do. please check out my GoFundMe page and help if you’re able/share if you can. … More like REpulsive need AM I RIGHT am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am while the other democratic candidates are doing nothing but talking elizabeth warren is out there sneaking into everybody's homes and turning off motion smoothing When I was growing up, people got abortions. Desperate women turned to back alley butchers or even tried the procedure on their own. Some were lucky, but others weren't. They all went through hell. Access to safe, legal abortion is a constitutional RIGHT. Full stop. Again. Misogyny is the reptilian brain stem of right wing ideology. It is not a bug. It is the feature. Wake. The. Fuck. Up. years. RIP Darwyn MAN I hope no one saw me snoopy dance just now construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck] me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again we regret to inform you that my cat is a PAWG thor keeps shooting lightening at my dick, givin me a case of the giggles me: [has bomb on my chest] sargent: this isn’t a suicide mission, private me: jokes on you, i’m not even enlisted my friends and i won$3,000 tonight at a lip sync battle, which makes my knee i fucked up during it worth it
cum sweater, the sweater i must wear to cum
therapist: show me what your anxiety looks like me:
hey hey, we’re the blumpkins! people say we blumpkin around!
gave my cousin an urn for his birthday and he was like “are these grandpa’s ashes?” like, you think i got you someone else’s grandpa’s ashes? use your fucken head
it’s canon that all dogs talk like tim allen
taco bell employee: three forty is your change arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s
while the men from duck dynasty are strict conservative christians, their beards all fuck each other every night
“whup the fup” is a good substitute for cursing, if you’re stupid
look, i don’t care. this is all one big writer’s room and, more importantly, we’re all dying in like years. get yer ya-ya’s out.
when are we gonna admit that, as joke twitter, we’ve all become homogenized and are making jokes with the exact same voice
me: i thought you said DUCK pics her: i did me: then i’m glad there was no miscommunication
the crew givin me shots of kfc gravy, like i don’t know it’s not from popeye’s
modest mouse, screaming: aj kable dahl grun tibbo don me: i feel that
[interpretive dances my order to the taco bell employee]
taint sins, sins of the taint
woman: [takes off her shirt] hey big boy me: [takes off the plastic top to a microwave lean cuisine] m’lady
my wedding toast is just % quotes from disney’s flash forward
at least all the other guys with botulism will give me high fives
plz stop responding to my “drowning in cum tweets” with that’s how your mom died. i know, i was there.
are you hornier than a fifth grader
this is the day the lord has made, why the fuck would he do that
broke my arm jacking it to the new springsteen album
it’s encouraging to know i’ve already lost four of the followers i got last night
what the world needs now is nudes, sweet nudes
mr. rogers always wore sweaters to cover up the tattoos he got during the soda wars
me: it’s , gender is irrelevant also me: that’s a spicy boy, that’s a floppy boy, that’s a soggy boy
[takes drag off cigarette] get off my smokes queen!
oh yeet of little faith
why aren’t the enterprise’s shields always on full power? there’re rocks and shit flying around in space! that’s just bad captaining
but also in the regular way
i am body positive, in that i am nearly positive i have a body
can’t get it hard unless i’m in at least $3,000 worth of debt me: what we doin tonight boys firemen: [standing in raging inferno] how are you alive hulk be like “you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry” like yeah dipshit i don’t like anyone when they’re angry for those following along at home, i fucked up my math the first time if your baby is lb oz then it’s lb20oz + oz Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle? Sure my tweets suck, but I'll be dead one day. dammit happy belated sorry i missed it i was in a bad state yesterday & by bad state i mean Connecticut It's Saturday night, time for a side ponytail (up high not down low) and to catalog regrets. Here’s a flower because I love my country and our President is fucking scooters [back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years] Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try. , amirite jfc Your best friend could just be John Travolta wearing your best friend’s face and you’d never know it. I'm sorry you'll have to speak up, I hate you. “Great day in the morning!” is an idiomatic eression of surprise that’s especially charming the way I say it. This is not a surprise. In the s mothers sometimes had what we called conniption fits. What that was was... well let me demonstrate. I'll need a boxed cake mix, four eggs and a cocker spaniel. Kindness is the key, you stupid fucking asshole. My favorite hairstyle is existential dread locks. All the fanciest restaurants have a wall full of test spaghetti. CAPRI SON: can I have a juice packet dad? CAPRI DAD {pulls one from pocket of calf-length cargo shorts}: here ya go sport quarms i was born without quarms I almost never finish a painting in one pass and love it but this is absolutely one of my favorite paintings ever. Frank Sinatra called. He wanted a rap verse for "Fly Me to the Moon". Happy to oblige. (My broken glasses are totally an aesthetic choice.) BREAKING: Boston area aircraft drops crustaceans from the sky. Locals hail it as their new leader and pledge their allegiance to the Lobstah Coptah. happy belated birthday to that tweet I have an irrational fear that I will have sex with an old barfly and she will turn out to be Steven Tyler. hello im back I’m a grown man but find myself wanting to spend all my time with baby goats who wear sweaters. if your vehicle has a monster energy decal you will be denied entry on the evacuation ship I love this website because you can say literally anything, and someone, somewhere, instantly hates you. just saw a headline that said stomachs are in and boobs are out and i was like yeah, that’s the way bodies work dumbass But not the other days of the week? ME: How did you survive the flood? FRIEND: I floated to safety on the back of a zoo animal. ME: *whispering* giraft hell, yeah Divorce settlements sometimes take a half-an-our. The ship sank, killing souls. ~ Grim Ferry Tale “So weird how some men give their penis a name like Roger or Thor”, I observe with my mouth (Robert) while gesticulating wildly with my hands (Jerry & Ben). happy it’s over isn’t it oh goddamnit I RT you like we are best friends in a DM room. You RT me like you are Haley's Comet arriving every years. *joey lawrence voice* whoa [my mom as a operator] Well, that wasn't very smart, now was it? [old school record store] Me: hi I’m here to return this Rolling Stones record and get it on a CD instead Clerk: sorry sir, all sales are vinyl [job interview] me: i always give % principal: we can’t have that A haiku about learning to cope: Oftentimes in life, Closure feels necessary But then other times - The Teletubbies have arrived for the party, but there's only one red one and I specifically requested two. I surmise that the other has been delayed. - Extra Po Late? - I prefer 'surmise'. State Farm is trending, y’all drug boss: [goes to stick a knife in bag of cocaine to check it] me: [knowing how long it took me to bag up] if you just open the flap at th Date: What do you do? Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food roman soldier: "jesus has been crucified as instructed" emperor: "he is dead?" roman soldier: "yes my liege" [3 days later] emperor: "dave, can i have a word?" [seance] wife: "if there are any spirits here please show us a sign" me: wife: me: wife: "keith, say something" me: "im scared" [glass starts to move on ouija board] H I S C A R E D me: "goddamnit dad" doc: "your dad's been in a coma for days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat] dad: [opens one eye] dad: "what's that nice french place we went to called again?" me: "france?" dad: "that's the one" [me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha [wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha man: “how did you catch me” cop: “a small boy drew a picture of you” man: “show it to me” cop: man: cop: “no” imagine being identified from this i need more Off Menu you big stupid idiots in england cars have horns but instead of a loud honk they say “excuse me” at a normal volume [mid to late th century] me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery" goodnight god bless DMs are open if you want to be ignored by another person even i have questions about this tweet doctor: "you got a lotta balls showing up here" me: [also looking at my x-ray] "that's bad right?" [overhears cute girl at work likes birds] me: [my first day as an nba coach] me: charles barkley with the baby filter looks like charles barkley Conan O'Brien walking around like Mr. Grasshopper from James and the Giant Peach WOW! Check out these ,000 Gifs that prove our generation, bound to its past by a yearning for the unchallenging pop-culture media of our youth, will never quite grasp the societal shortcomings endemic to failures metastasizing across the planet as the end fast approaches. South Park has ruined people. Not JUST because of the way it 'punches down' in an attempt to be above the fray and as centrist as possible, but because it's weaponized being detached and uncaring to the point that even being aware of the fuckshit way we're treated makes us jokes sorry In Inuktut: “itii pau” - “your anus is black with soot” I mixed up Mark Ruffalo and Mark Wahlberg in conversation yesterday and I just want to apologize Politicians should say fuck more in my opinion. The Times csll for the saying of fuck The last time I wore a princess skirt out of the house I felt so cute and pretty until a seagull at the beach stole my hotdog so I was standing on the boardwalk shouting at a bird If you've gotten a laugh or some education out of me and want to help make this less tight, I'd really appreciate it My wife and I are talking about alternate universes where colonialism happened different (not at all) and I said "in my ideal universe we would not be able to able to communicate" so yeah happy anniversary honey Or......maybe not lmao get fucked matt Great fact about the guy in the blue tie I called him four times and reminded him to pick up his suit for the wedding and told him I'd pay for it if he couldn't afford it and he showed up like that and Blair's cousin got really mad but j just laughed and put him in every picture I got married seven whole ass years ago lmao what taco bell employee: three forty is your change arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s I downloaded an app that lets you animate photos and well these three just....walk around??? like this???? all the time????? doesn't seem fair to the rest of us AMYYYYYYYYYYY selling nudes like it rules cause you can follow up with "whose land do you live on" and they basically never know my favorite thing to do for is to ask settlers when they started talking about indigenous people predominantly in the present tense and watch them lie directly to my face and say some shit like "grade six" its indigeous peoples day follow my friends / (many bear postings) My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest. I have resting worried face. Something’s definitely up, I just ordered a second helping of mulch. I think my tapeworm might be pregnant, I feel like I'm eating for three. My campaign will kick off with a ”deepfake” video of me seeming to appear comfortable holding a baby. Just broke into my neighbor’s house and turned off all the lights they weren’t using. Not coming back with surprise candy will be a federal crime once I’m president. The hardest thing about days when I exercise is finding the time to eat one thousand reward Oreos. Okay, it’s fine, she thought I was kidding. When I'm president all my executive orders will be delivered via Twitch while I mess up online games of Red Dead Redemption by obsessively petting horses that don't belong to me. Not saying I'm proud of this, but I just accused my gf of hiding my prunes. I'll let you know if she breaks up with me. I enjoy Mastercard on a piece of brioche with arugula, swiss, and a little dijon. On hot summer days I lick frozen Discover cards. Am I the only one who’s discovered new features on the TV remote simply because my dog stepped on it? People! People, people, people! I ain't talking about Jaws. Jaws is a masterpiece. I thought the whole world was in agreement about that... or is this another thing tearing this country apart? I never wound up seeing that movie with the giant shark and I think that's okay. Yo, I keep getting older but not wiser... what the hell? Yankee’s game. Bottom of the ninth. Score is tied. Bases loaded. A timeout is called. I trot up to the mound to talk to the pitcher. ME: "I don't really follow baseball, I won these tickets at the mall.” Oh jeez, it happened. You guys wanna meet up for a bite first, or just, like, get it over with and eat after? Wow, I'm approaching k followers. You guys remember the pact: when I hit k we invade Canada. You signed up for this. Back in my day you couldn't just delete a song you didn't like from a playlist, you had to physically drive to the artist’s house and kill them. I miss those days. . here I come! It was tiny. I... think I just saw a humming bird go number two. While hovering. if the straight pride parade happens, I might actually stand a chance on Xbox Live for a couple of hours Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice Yo, Indiana, what are you doing this weekend? Come visit me at Sat & Sun! In the future, only those with excellent Minecraft skills will survive climate change. I’m a guy with a beard now. Come see it in person at June -8 at indypopcon in Indiana! … I know it’s after but I might get a coffee. Anyone need their house painted at AM? It was me. And it was in pennies. Well, the people have spoken. This is no longer the Amerca I know. This is kumquat America. Two hours left! NOODLE PEOPLE, NOODLE! I know you’re wondering, and the answer is yes this really happened. Except for the speeding. I always obey local traffic laws. My mamma raised me right. COP: Know why I pulled you over? ME: Speeding? COP: Yep. What else? ME: Driving drunk? COP: Correct. One more. ME: COP: ME: Broken tail light? COP: Ooh, no, sorry. Drug smuggling. ME: Damn it, I almost said that! COP: Next time. Drive safe now! HOSTAGE IN TRUNK: You too, officer! Alright, apparently we're more divided than I thought. Here are the top three contenders based on people's (unsolicited) feedback. So, for the sake of world peace, which is the funniest word in the English language? Hint: It's noodle. Been a while since I tweeted this and it remains a mystery - any new followers in the science business that can speak to this? I know the nation is divided right now but at least we can all agree that the funniest word in the English language is noodle. Without this common understanding, our civilization would collapse. Noodle. John Bonham has come back as an year old girl, I can't begin to describe how amazing this child is!! I'm like Daniel Craig, but without any of the Daniel Craig stuff. This is a lazy joke, please don't debase yourself by liking it. If a restaurant has stools without backrests, that should have to be included in the restaurant’s name. Example: Harvey’s Bar & Grill & Stools With No Backrests. Hey Big Bang Theory fans! We know it's been emotional saying goodbye to the show. How 'bout a little happiness instead? Come to & say hi to ! Photo Ops are limited. Get yours in advance by clicking here: … ME: what's a haiku? PROFESSOR: five, seven, five ME: got it thank you i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso i’m tired of all these parents crying about raising kids like honey i just got hit by a youtube ad that didn’t have a skip option we all have things that test our patience [reads a tweet with likes] heh *keeps scrolling* [same exact tweet with k likes] well bend me over and slap me sideways this is the funniest thing ever i am laughing out loud to the point that i am in fact screaming Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in . So no, Eric. I don’t believe really called asking for their monocle back. The Great Lakes: - Superior - Michigan - Justin Timber - Ontario - Frosted F the main character of bugs life is an ant named flick. he's a ant. named flick. that's like naming bambi "shotgun". our generation as grandparents is gonna be weird like imagine ur grandpa listening to drake or texting u “lmao i’m dead” CAMEL : Hey can u hold this for me for one sec? CAMEL : I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now.. CAMEL : It's one straw Marvin don't be like that Curiosity was the straw that killed the camels cat so dont count ur chickens until u put all ur eggs in one basket because a bird in the hand is worth two with one stone and a penny saved is worth words but early to bed early to rise catches the worm until the fat lady sings Good Neighbor: Hey I came as soon as I heard. You ok? State Farm (out of breath): SO DID WE WE'RE ALSO HERE WE GOT HERE AT LIKE THE EXACT SAME TIME ITS A TIE WATSON: Here's the weird thing. There's only one set of footprints. SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect. wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well {Pixar Meet & Greet} Buzz Lightyear: I'm a talking toy Dory: I'm a talking fish Lightning McQueen: I'm a talking car Guy from UP: My wife died Everyone: Dory: I'm a talking fish [tree falls in forest] [doesnt make a sound] GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the— TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh for this next tweet it’s important to know there’s a guy Dennis at my office who eats egg salad every day for lunch so we call him Egg Salad Dennis. ok here’s the tweet. Hey guys you’ll never guess what Egg Salad Dennis brought for lunch today. [after sex] HER: PAUL REVERE: HER: PAUL REVERE: did i make it weird? i feel like i made it weird HER: are u even british? [sex] HER: oh! Oh! OH! ME: o’reilyyyy HER: autoparts! *we both cum* [spelling bee] Judge: your word is "restaurant" Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself Doctor: for fuck sake don’t let ur kids jump on the bed anymore Momma Monkey: Okay [doctor gets a call at am] Momma Monkey: you’re not gonna believe this Hi Dying I’m Grandson Psst Hey I have a secret Come closer A little closer A littttle closer *screaming into ur ear* I DELETE TWEETS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE PERFECT SELF ESTEEM AND THATS OK Regular back: -will hurt eventually -boring -stupid bones Backstreet's back: -alright Going to the plastic surgeon and just getting whatever they assume I'm there for Michael Buble is short for “My Collection of Bubbly Christmas Music” and long for “My Boob” thanks for following see you in hell you stupid fruit me: hey check this out. my headphones have technology that stops me from hearing noise i don't want to hear my friend: oh that's really coo-- my headphones: shut the fuck up Cardi: we’re breaking up Offset: breakin’ Cardi: gonna need a divorce Offset: need it need it on Billboard Hot for the next decades Me: ok time to get some sleep :/ Netflix: the next episode starts in seconds, unless of course you turn this off and walk away. Me: Netflix: yea that's what i thought. little bitch. Me: Netflix: enjoy your show please rate us in the App Store ME: give it to me straight doc how much longer do i have to live DOCTOR: sir. again. anxiety isn't life threatening. you should be able to live a long healthy life. ME: but like do i have to mugger: *points gun* your money or your life me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix mugger: no i mean- me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds anybody: i love this time of year! me: you mean you ove it anybody: what me: cause there's Noel Alright chief ur tweet is going viral. Time to plan ur next move. U just gonna leave it there? Like a psychopath? Of course not. U gotta turn this baby into a thread. Better start with “wish i had a soundcloud lol” so people know u have been on The Internet before. It used to bother me that we never had a Mitch Hedberg and Twitter at the same time. It still does, but it used to, too. “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly. ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in opened the door to modern antibiotics ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant." why are you doing this Oh sure now you all go silent Hi so people have started putting charities underneath popular tweets so I'm just gonna put this here so you all realise what an awful person you're supporting Stub your toe? Waaa waaa .. learn to walk. this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats. [desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats What do guys with loud exhausts do with all that pussy anyway? I want this to be said to me before I get out of bed every morning. This is everything I want My favourite vibrator died tonight. I’ll send him off the same way he lived his life, buried deep. My wife was eating a turkey sandwich with no mayo and said she was eating her feelings, like damn I never realized she had such fucking boring feelings. No guys my mum heard me making a stupid video and i sksksk Posh boarding school kids on their first own clothes day be like: Best gender reveal ever Why isn’t there a flea and tick pill but for people? I’m down to zero toxic relationships in my life and it’s like whooooaaa. Precum should be called prenut butter I’m probably not the best person to ask for validation on your foot tattoo. Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit. Housewife advice please! Please could you let me know what you use for a streak free finish I'm going bananas, everything I try just ends up being sprayed with cum, coz reflection. You can almost hear him praying to God: please let this be it God: fuck no hahahaha When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die When you’re trying to watch tv but she’s already on her second bottle of wine I really enjoy how women are supportive of women unless they're like tooooo attractive or in decent shape Girls get a lot of credit for the magic they do with makeup but you haven’t seen shit until you’ve seen a guy hide a boner with only a hand, a waistband, and a slightly hunched over walk thinking about this legend Daddy: ˢʷᵃˡˡᵒʷ ᶦᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᵘˢᵉˡᵉˢˢ ʷʰᵒʳᵉ Your nipples are older than your teeth Maybe just send me a list for your DM room so I know who else to block. And there’s still a gender pay gap. The mute button is proof that ignorance is bliss . Call him again PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Stages of breakup . Breakup . Drink yourself stupid . Text him . Text him again, maybe a slutty picture . Call him . Alcohol was created so ugly people can have a chance too. Dr. Morrissey: Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know - it's serious All of you, not Fuck you all this is comedy gold I like my men like I like my coffee: sealed in airtight container at the back of a dark cupboard everything is terrible so i googled "dogs being interviewed" and it helped Just finished 's Mostly Dead Things in one sitting... That sitting being outside in my hammock. I've never read a book so equally real and surreal. "Love was a thing that needed constant care. Our intimacy was an uprooted plant, shriveled and withered." /10. I had the chance to hear read part of her book at UT recently. If you have the chance to see her read, please do! She was so charming and her book is masterfully written. no YOU LOOK GOOD two women are aggressively telling each other how good they look at the entrance to this hotel and i feel like they are about to fight each other over who has aged most gracefully and i am here for it I still think about that time Pope Francis released that white peace dove and a black crow came out of nowhere & attacked it. every single day I don’t get out of bed for less than % ABV have not yet found the bottom of this bottomless mimosa i legit shrieked with joy when someone dresses up to match your book // good morning to everyone but especially the hotel coffee which is all that’s keeping me awake at this point The lovely and delightful ⁦⁩ moderated a Fierce Females panel with ⁦⁩ ⁦⁩ ⁦⁩ ⁦⁩ their books are all descriptive, in some way, of who the are and where they came from. I could listen to and talk about Publix subs and weird Florida shit for hours and p much did yesterday happy anniversary to this pride tweet Our FANTASTIC panel at : , , , and with Exec Director, . In the same room with lesbicon A writer AND librarian! “queer shit, Florida & taxidermy” IM THERE MOSTLY DEAD THINGS It's signing copies of MOSTLY DEAD THINGS! technically a library conference is a ravioli Shocking. Absolutely shocking. SCREAMING. o daddy little girl: he was a gift horse dentist: then I cannot help you Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick Me:$27 for two movie tickets? Ticket guy: Uh, we have some pretty cheap matinees Me: Buddy, I don't care how slutty your sea cows are
Weekend Twitter. Do you have favorite tweets that make you laugh every time, that inspire you to be funny? Here are some of mine. Please share yours. … … …
Do you ever see your face from a different angle and have a mental breakdown?
Me: if you love someone set them free Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: You should have been more specific Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel Me: ok that does make more sense
Suffering from anxiety or depression? Try new Cheer Up™ Solve ALL your problems with ease by 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹! And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™
You, me, no power and a thunderstorm.
[after the apocalypse] white guy: we should start a podcast
Interviewer: Can you tell me a little about yourself? Me: Yes. Interviewer: Can you elaborate? Me: It’s probably best if I don’t.
Vegetable: cucumber Vegetable being bought: newcumber Vegetable being eaten: chewcumber Vegetable getting old: ewcumber Vegetable in my bum: poocumber
noah: hey little bud you need to be in a pair to get on the ark single celled organism: oh, sorry! noah: no worries, just—wait what double celled organism: mitosis
Wife: is that our guinea pig? Me: yes and I've named her gwyn Wife: why Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[Banging on front door] "POLICE, OPEN UP!" Me: *opens the door* *gets on the floor* *everybody walks the dinosaur*
I had a bit of a tough upbringing, and was afraid of creating a family, worried my child would feel the way I did growing up. Thanks to I don’t need to worry about that. The sun rises and sets on our daughter for him, just as it should. Happy Father’s Day.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”. [wife walks around the house completely naked] Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
ME: Break it to me, Doc DOCTOR: [pop and locks, spins on head, b-boy stance] You're dying
Crazy how I’m an adult despite my attitude and behavior and inability to book a doctor’s appointment
[me as a dj] me: any requests them: i want to hold your hand me: [taking their hand in mine] omg what are we
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
After the Holocaust we said "never again". America literally has concentration camps (not extermination camps) on its border. People have died there To refuse to learn the lessons from the Holocaust does its victims a greater disservice than any amount of pedantic bickering.
They're literally concentration camps
Check out this thread for a beautiful series of dunks
Anyone: I've tried pot a couple of times, but it's not for me. It gave me too many negative side effects Dude who really loves weed: no it didnt
Me: how the hell did Ash get so far in the Pokemon league despite being a terrible trainer? Her: I don't know, charisma? Me: first off, it's pronounced Charizard and he couldn't control it for shit
The only way to respond to these
Reasons why it doesn't matter that the people held in concentration camps at the border "broke the law" . They're human beings . They're human beings . They have had no trial, are not convicted of any crimes . Even if they were, this would still be considered cruel, unusual
if every action movie can have a straight romance, then a single pic of two men kissing on twitter isn't shoving it in anyone's face you might not be consciously homophobic, but what you're asking for is the erasure of lgbt people from media so cishet people aren't uncomfortable
"if you don't want gay people to be hated, maybe don't remind people that they exist"
Yes I am aware that Real Dictators™ often have lots of propaganda talking about how they're the big ruler forever, but this is America, it's still weird here
The worst thing depression does to you is it takes away your ability to appreciate anything good that exists. I have caring friends, a loving family, the best dog in the world, and a partner I love very much, and my brain doesn't let those facts give me dopamine. Bullshit.
Usually dictators don't, y'know, advertise it
Them: wanna hang out on Friday? Me, stressed: yeah, like the ONLY PERSON WHO CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES is just gonna take a night off
"let us know"
[last day as a music teacher] Me, about to elain a deceptive cadence: so we're all familiar with edging, right?
Willy This website Free
Opinions are like assholes: I want a taste of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
War Criminal BDSM equipment Dick Chain-ey
Of these children, had the flu. A sick year old had detained teens caring for him. The children were eating uncooked frozen food. They hadn’t bathed or worn clean clothes in weeks. This is a violation of the Flores agreement and the human rights of these children.
Extremely Glenn and Incredibly Close
Butler: what would you like to do today sir Me: I wish to die, Wesley Butler: very well sir. Will that be before or after lunch? Me: what's for lunch? Butler: macaroni and cheese, sir Me: with the bacon bits? Butler: yes sir Me: Me: after lunch, then
Do people really think pro choice folks want more dead babies?? Like when a medical miracle occurs and parents get a healthy, wanted child, we grumble and cross our arms "coulda been killed tho >"
If this isn't the name of her autobiography I will sue
This is why I watch let's plays. Someone else can be entertained for me
Y'all ever get too depressed to even play video games? Like I can't believe I have to put effort into my own entertainment.
"The Holocaust shouldn't be politicized" askfjhsjfkdjsh
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: im gonna try to become left handed
Love to casually insult someone by referring to them as something they're wearing "Whatever you say, sunglasses" It shows that I have reduced them to their fashion choice, and that fashion choice is stupid, implying they themselves are stupid. This is humiliating, you see.
Everyone follow my friend Shawn. He knows secrets about me from high school and if you follow him there's a chance he'll reveal them. Also he's one of the funniest people I know
Me: (at pearly gates, visibly pissed) "Bugs count?!" St. Peter: "Bugs count."
Me: I don't like it when people put chocolate sauce on hot dogs Twitter: I put chocolate sauce on ice cream, is that ok?
As many of you know, I'm by no means a prescriptivist. Language is fluid, inerably evolving, and those who fight it are as desk fans in a tempest. That said. I cannot fucking stand "cheers" as a verb to mean "clink glasses" "Cheers me!" "We cheersed!" Etc all boil my blood
The fact that you saw this tweet as an affront to your personal political views says more about you than me, friendo
As everyone knows, the Nazis went from being a normal part of a healthy democracy and then immediately started mass exterminations with no build up or warning. We can learn nothing from how they got to that point. Buncha dudes just started bein evil all of a sudden. Crazy shit.
<around a mouthful of fat premarital dick> oh no
ahead of pride month Trump’s administration put a ban on embassy’s flying pride flags. so as of today, I am now the owner of Hell, Michigan. I bought the whole town. And my first act as owner, I have renamed my town to Gay Hell, MI. The only flags allowed to fly are pride.
Every war ever would disagree with you
Dinosaur Scientist: so uhhh, there's a pretty big asteroid that we should do something about Dinosaur CEO: would fixing it help my profits? Scientist: ... Not exactly [Later] Dinosaur Politician: the asteroid is a hoax made up by Dinosaur China
(See you Monday)
Gnight. Courage.
Just for tonight, Dear Theodosia on both sides of th street. Thank you for a magical night.
Yeah, like we were gonna miss ’s Broadway debut. She’s made of magic. DON’T MISS THIS SHOW.
Listen, if you’re walking with & longtime twitterican buddy , and you come across a piano on th street— You have to play “Lloraras” by Oscar D’Leon, I don’t make the rules
Update: Iris (pictured here) made the sorullitos! She’s from Cabo Rojo ! Carlos, her husband, was the delivery man! And they’ve lived up here for years!
A WORD
The greatest story? Hard to say, but maybe. Your wife is the GOAT!
My wife knows
If you don't have an MFA or a book, APPLY to PEN Emerging Voices . I had no publications when I applied, and it was the greatest eerience of my life. App due August st!
But how did he know sorullitos are my favorite
My happy on set cry of the day: When this gentleman, who had been watching filming from his window, came downstairs and handed me a plate of sorullitos he made me
We all heard the threats from Trump about possible ICE raids in Miami, DC, Baltimore Chicago and others, so now please share the following resources (available in several languages). How Immigrants Can Protect Themselves via
This is Tobi with yogurt containers
The monster-in-chief never stopped separating families. is on the front lines.
: Watch scenes from 's TICK, TICK...BOOM!, starring , & →
So here’s a funny thing...y’all charged at Telecharge so hard (I love you so much) that it overloaded and started sending people to a Hamilton tickets queue (!) (We warned them. We always warn them) Anyway hang in there, it should be all good now!
i hope you catch a break today
One day Cardi B will be the background song for a JC Penney commercial.
Some day my prince will come and mow my fucking lawn.
She said, "You have a great day" with a finality that made it clear she intended not to be a part of it.
Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker? Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut “Hell is other people.” - Sartre Full quote: “Hell is other people trying to board an airplane.” Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than$20
I’m sorry.
Happy birthday ! May all your birthday wishes come true. Have a great day dearest friend!
Me: I need to hire a person to fan me Friend: Why not just buy an electric fan? M: No, That's what the machines want to start their world domination!
Me: I don’t think I should have to listen to this guy talk with no pants on Boss: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS
I'm pretty good at being mediocre
Some of you are still baby twitter accounts. You’ll learn how to handle being hated eventually.
Raccoons exchange goods and services for raccoins, which are also redeemable at Chuck E. Cheese. I will be taking questions at this time.
Holy shit! These ducks can read.
Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me.
Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the absolutely incredible I hope you have a day as wonderful as you are
It's getting cold outside and that sink has been scratching at the door for a good minutes. Let that sink in.
My second job is killing me, but I can't survive without it. So, you see my dilemma.
Real married romance is waiting for her to get done eating so I can use the same paper plate.
It's when you try to appear intelligent that you look the most stupidest
By the end of today I’ll be at least % cheese
Get in loser. It’s a perfect night for star gazing, blasting the music, and perhaps starting a new life somewhere else.
blue jean baybay LA baybay seamstress for the baybay...
As part of Mattel's "Fashionista" line, intended to promote diversity and more realistic body types, they proudly announce their new "Greek Barbie".
Astrology has no affect on my buying habits. Only Instagram has the power to manipulate my emotional coinpurse.
Where do NASA engineers poop at the space station? I mean, it’s not rocket science.
Let me play you the song of my people *stomach rumbles*
We all deserve someone who wants to know the stories that destroyed us into the beautiful human we are today, and chooses to stay.
I burnt my lady bits after I napped too long under the heat lamp.
*pours another drink* oh my god twitter is funny.
Imagine meeting the woman of your dreams then hearing her say “Last stitch effort.” I guess by then it’s a mute point.
After three nights without sleep I can now smell birdsong
Boy, I’m gonna give you a hand job so dry, it will sound like two pieces of styrofoam rubbing together.
My body is a temple. My mind is a circus. My car is a trash compactor. My apartment is a frat house. I could do this all day.
I got a gumball machine for my th birthday. It was like saying, "Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it." The earliest dinner reservations we could get tonight was pm and my husband suggested we go get cheeseburgers around to hold us over during this difficult time. Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo. Me: I’d like to send these pancakes back. They weren’t fluffy enough. Server: Ma’am, it’s just a plate. Me: Exactly. Server: Exactly what? Me: What? Server: I’ll get you more pancakes. My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war. i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in years If these children were prisoners of war, our treatment towards them would violate several standards of International Humanitarian Law. *I tweet about the treatment of children at detention centers* *woman responds that they shouldn’t have come here illegally* *I respond that these children are mostly entering legally at ports of entry, seeking asylum* *she blocks me* They don’t want to know. They don’t care. I had to do it me after getting cancelled me at the lil nas x is over party Ever since I ate my life changed *preview* VOGUE JAPAN it’s ok u don’t mean that ▬▬▬.◙.▬▬▬ ═▂▄▄▓▄▄▂ ◢◤█▀▀████▄▄▄▄◢◤ █▄ █ █▄███▀▀▀▀▀▀▀╬ ◥█████◤ ╬═╬ ╬═╬ ╬═╬ ╬═╬ ╬═╬ __ ╬═╬/ \ \\ When you have no veteran leadership in the locker room Why is it so hard for any Democrat to just say “War with Iran is wrong, and we oppose it unequivocally” ? we gotta bring the upside down backwards visors look back ASAP !!! me and the squad listening to the new on our way to get some wings thank u cnn wtf they named a sandwich after my new song NBA Draft can only mean one thing Peacock: *spreads feathers at me* Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate Me: *shyly lifts top* Husband: no When I eat one vegetable & tell everyone that I'm getting serious about my diet. NEW INFO on my NEW NEWSLETTER with , Shan't We Tell the Vicar? You can sign up to get my writing sent to your inbox, and$5/month gets you full access!
hey "nice" manbun haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [he turns around and reveals he is a samurai from the tokugawa shogunate] oh fuck
??? u flush them and the attendant makes u a new one what kind of backwards bathrooms dont have a coatflush?
Especially in cold places! When I’m in someplace like Chicago or Toronto and there’s no hook I’m like WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU PUT YOUR COATS
I have found an old southern cookbook with some truly fantastic “salad” recipes.
“White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization — how did that language become offensive?” - Steve “Corn Hitler” King
Yeah, but you weren’t supposed to enjoy it, dude
Hi. Jew here. Everything about your behavior suggests that you have zero understanding of the Shoah. The Holocaust wasn’t only a genocide of Jews — it was a white supremacist vision of the world put into action. You, Rep. King, represent that vision. Never again is now.
raise your hand if you could easily meet this standard at
Conjecture: There is no reason to worry that someone might be quietly hating you forever because either they're not and it's all in your head or they are and it's all in theirs.
You break in a new purse or backpack the first time you have to hang it on a door hinge in a fucking disgusting single person bathroom because there’s no purse hook and you spend the whole time desperately hoping it doesn’t fall to the floor
Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.
I feel like Doll’s Kill needs an over-30 section
One day, the religious leaders who spoke about Holocaust analogies but were quiet about the suffering of living migrants will have to face a God that is more than their petty, tribal concerns.
He should turn on the air conditioner and put his shirt back on then.
You wouldn't even need special toenail clippers if it weren't for the outsize proportions of the big toe vs all our other digits. Stunt queen.
I love being a guy who eats a lunch of focaccia bread, Sun Chips, and Fruitopia at Au Bon Pain for $20 (inflation-adjusted) before waiting two hours in line for Blair Witch tickets, and being categorically unaware that I’m living at the high water mark of human civilization In conclusion : I’m an idiot Him: She’s probably texting another guy rn Me am not being able to fall asleep and bored with literally no one to text whatsoever: take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road. If you get a tattoo of your top tweet, well, the joke's on you. If you are drying your clean hands and someone opens the men's room door then exit with them still wet so you don't have to handle that dirty handle. I want to see you be Dave - Sara Bareilles, fan of certain tweeter I get you doing that whole being your best self thing but can you dive back in there and see if you’ve got a better best self bc this one’s annoying. You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters. I only drink tea when I’m reading the alumni updates former classmates submit for the quarterly newsletter. Your relaxation app makes me itchy. If you would like a free and ongoing evaluation of your driving techniques, enroll your teen in driver’s ed. You started your story in the middle, assuming I had a lot of pre-information that I didn’t, but you seemed to need to say it and I needed you to be done saying it so you know I think it worked out. Plenty of time to lean but as it turns out very little time to clean. I have three hubcaps and I’m blasting the Clueless cd. You’re going to want to let me over. The summer festival is in full swing. A cool breeze accompanies the setting sun, a welcome change. Shrieks from The Zipper float thru the air while parents catch up with old friends. “We have to get together soon,” they say, meaning it, but knowing it won’t happen. I figure what I lack in knowledge I make up for in theories. It's OK, funds. I'm insufficient too. [ during apocalypse ] *applies Banana Boat lotion to preserve and extend my tan* Saved myself the frustration of trying to clasp a bracelet and went with the stretchy one instead. Keep life simple. The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. Favorite headline today: Oregon Republicans Are On The Lam They've sent B-52s to the area in an obvious attempt to de-escalate the situation with fun music and dancing. It's considered good luck in some cultures to find a red donut sprinkle in your slipper. Watching crows eat the neighbors' cherries is entertaining when you don't care for the neighbors. Like a letter, in an incomplete sentence, in an unfinished poem, written on an old piece of paper that was left crumbling, in the darkest corner of an old room. *boston bartender voice* no lady I haven't seen a subtweet but you're welcome to check the lost and found Beginning to question my Heath Bar diet. Know what would be great? If a bunch of stars scheduled a Live Aid type concert for the Fourth of July, right when the orange moron was speaking, to raise money for migrant children, women in need of healthcare, and everybody else endangered by his attack on democracy. It’s time to play everyone’s favorite dinner time game “is this chicken going to kill us?” As of today, I have been clean & sober for years! I couldn't do this alone, and I'm so grateful for everyone who is and has been there to help me kick drugs & alcohol. Thank you! Me (looking at the the result of my Which Horseman of the Apocalypse Are You? quiz): How did I get Scooby Doo again? Welcome to middle age. Choose one: a shitty night's sleep or a great night's sleep with weird neck pain. LinkedIn: You appeared in searches this week Me: Yay! LinkedIn: None of them liked you Me: Oh no LinkedIn: But connections who are younger than you got promoted WTF kind of inception shit is this? I didn’t care about Avengers but please don’t spoil the new Toy Story movie. I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation. So, like, I need an emoji that’s cry laughing but with water shooting out your nose. Different driver. Different play list. OLD MAN ROBS ME ********************** MUGGER: Give me your money! ME: I don’t carry money. I use Apple Pay. MUGGER: How does it work? *30 mins later* MUGGER: Show me again. ME: I dreamed I was up Shit’s Creek. THERAPIST: That’s a relatable feeling of desperation. You just need a paddle. ME: I was the paddle. Was relaxing at one of those salons where fish nibble at your toes until one of them unnerved me by not breaking eye contact. You see things and say, “why?” But I dream things that never were and say, “WHAT THE EFFING HELL?” Maybe I need your mom's list of superstitious DOs and DON'Ts so I can stay out of trouble. Kid friendly versions - The Texas Chainsaw Misunderstanding i think maybe this one? although the only things it has from my original want list are the comfortable seat and disc brakes. change my mind. … Ran into Donkey from Shrek today. i want a bike that i can ride on paved surfaces. with a comfortable seat, disc brakes, gears, preferably step-through. alright whomst on here knows a lot about bicycles and wants to answer an ungodly amount of dumb questions from me, a complete idiot? current mood Lol. blink-182 friends and family show last night. … We shot this video on Monday. I love the thread about baby boomers and their dull knives. It’s so specific and niche. GD it’s all fucked. charlie should’ve been IMMEDIATELY disqualified for stealing fizzy lifting drink. done. and willy knew they’d stolen it THE WHOLE TIME! augustus lost because he drank from the chocolate river in the room where willy said “EVERYTHING IS EDIBLE?!” such bullshit. Friday. Awesome. [to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle] Mark Hoppus what the hell is going on in my life?! [at a concert] We're gonna play a new song Enema of the State tour get your tickets! It me. Message to my haters: I share your concerns no offense, but where are snails even trying to go i’m adding this to my tinder profile Me: Stingray smooshing it's face against the glass at the aquarium: ︿ <(─‿‿─)> \ / \ / ⇂ Me: People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree. wonder no more, folks. by choose your battle steed what if i’m being haunted by a snail ghost and just don’t know it “alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression. I'm only gay because I left my Facebook open in high school and someone made my status "I like dicks" and I was too polite to correct them. sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes Banadian goose *feeds a dingo to a baby* my my how the tables have turned I'm bleedin out scoob the first rule of foo fight club is don’t be a monkey wrench to catch a cab, you must think like a cab$1500 exclusive
Hello, just wanted to let you know I did exactly that.
me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute. therapist: let’s talk about your father me: no
them: are you okay? me: [swivelling my chair to reveal that I now have bangs] yes why
this cancer season surprise your crush by inviting them over and sobbing in their arms
Nothing like a New York afternoon with .
boss: what're you doing me: [closes laptop] nothing suspicious!
me waiting for an elanation regarding your perfectly reasonable behavior
[after the apocalypse] white guy: we should start a podcast
her: it's up to us to repopulate the earth him: okay but i'm really not looking for anything serious right now
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
ok i don’t mean to sound like someone who is “going through something” but should i get a bunk bed
Me: I bought a luggage set! Him: Which brand? Me: I don't know, looks Russian. Him: How many pieces? Me [unpacking one after the other]: Also unknown.
[funeral] friend: hey wanna get some eresso after this? my corpse: it's pronounced 'espresso'
frat guy: we need a new hazing ritual me: [raises manicured hand] I loved last week’s
When rolls around catch me calling all my best friends “old sport”. My inner Jay Gatsby is about to pop off. Might fuck around and throw parties for an unrequited love. Might die in a pool. Who knows. It’s the s, bby.
i'm sick of dating apps i want my suitors to send me letters and then when i reply i'll sit by the window and watch the rain for a long long time
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole detective: and that's what killed him? coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
when people leave my yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming
STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE?? WHAT'S NEXT STRAIGHT MARRIAGE???
Me *swallowing th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
if the sims is only fun with cheat codes what does that say about capitalism
Me: Roast me. Friend: Sometimes yo- Me: *sobbing* fuck you
whenever i hear someone say “my therapist said” my ears perk way up. that’s free therapy
kid: what does lol mean grandpa me: it's what you say at the end of a sentence so people don't get mad at you lol
BARISTA: what can I get you ME: medium roast please B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato M: *under breath* damn
[setting tinder radius] what's the circumference of the earth
bigfoot googling "how to find yourself"
yeah grandma i know i'm poor because i went to starbucks last week and not because the student loan crisis in america has crippled an entire generation i'm not an idiot
boss: can we talk about the company-wide email you sent out me: it was a critical update boss: it just says "i'm back on my bullshit" me: people need to know
fun money saving tips: - go out less - cancel credit cards - sell your belongings - eat less food - die
it absolutely sickens me that someone at a graduation ceremony somewhere is calling me a proud alumni without my permission
Straight guy: Whoa bro. I'm not into that gay shit. Me: You're not even my type. Straight guy: Me: Straight guy: *batting eyelashes* Okay, but like what is your type?
me: i feel sad guy who's really into hiking: have you considered going outside and eating a fistful of dirt
worms are so gross where are you going get back in the ground
her: i've been ghosted before, a bad bitch keeps it moving me: [waits for her to sit down] i'm sure grandpa would have loved that eulogy, grandma
ME: My anxiety is really high. DOCTOR: Have you stopped drinking so much coff- ME: *airhorn noise*
windows down blasting my audiobook
me in college: woo let's get turnt on alcohol! me now: i'm going to sit here and slice this apple as quietly as possible.
me: oh look some tweens. be cool. be relatable. tweens: h- me: AH HOW WE FROLICKED THROUGH THE CHERRY GROVES
my therapist: so how'd you sleep last night me: with my eyes closed my therapist: [texting her therapist] "I'm so angry I'm shaking again"
dating me vs. owning a dog similarities: - i'm cute - i like walks - i'm excited to see you - i cry when you leave differences: - i refuse to eat my kibble - ??
who wants to go to a cafe with me and drink coffee until we both throw up?
me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute. therapist: let’s talk about your father me: no
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me* Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate Me: *shyly lifts top* Husband: no
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time] *sawing person in half* Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My kid: what were you like when you were a kid? Me:
[Files missing person report] [Puts up flyers] [Assembles search party] Him: Wtf, I've been home all weekend. Me: Oh, so you did get my text.
When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.
The love that exists between my dad and his neighbors dog is the purest love I have ever seen.
This kid fishing in the sewer is gonna catch a clown.
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.
News Anchor: Are your pets killing you? Find out at . My cat who is slowly eating me: Listen. This guy was like this when I got here.
Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog:
me: how bad is it dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise [later] wife: what did the doctor say me: linda....i’m dying
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If any of you would like to donate, this sweet baby needs a heart transplant. 'A Heart For Hudson ' - via
I am extremely brave until seaweed brushes my foot in the ocean in which case I am someone who can levitate above the water using the power of terror alone.
park ranger: what makes you want to work with us me: it’s a family tradition check out my references park ranger: ok *reading resume* there is no way your uncle is- secretary: [bursts into the room] sorry sir but the Grand Canyon is on the phone for his nephew
patent clerk: NEXT me: here you go patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin- me: *steps behind counter* NEXT
her: take off my bra me: ok her: take off my panties me: wow ok her: stop wearing my clothes
So many cheeses would work as baby names: Brie Asiago Monterrey Jack Goat
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It's a timeline, not a deposition
not shadowbanned on foursquare yet so there’s that
Time to fuck shit up. *Falls asleep*
To be honest, safety second is usually good enough.
When I watch an old movie on TV, I always lose the "decode the Roman numerals" game when it's over. Turns out "Citizen Kane" was not made in .
nipples are just boob straws
Save a horse ride a cowboy? Why do you need to save that horse? WHERE WERE YOU TAKING THAT HORSE, RICHARD??
Don’t have enough hands to hold your donut, beer, and phone while taking a bubble bath? The donut fits pretty snugly around the neck of the beer bottle. You can just eat it off as you go.
There are several reasons you don’t like flowers, but mostly you like being the person who announces she doesn’t like flowers.
One time in college my friend who was absolutely not a vegetarian deliberately ordered and ate a veggie sub and it still bothers me
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
There’s a one hundred percent chance if you put water in a pot and put it on the stove and walk away to do some other stuff it will not boil until you turn the stove on.
A vanity plate brings you a secret message from the universe. Or from the California Dept. of Motor Vehicles, which is not nothing.
[after sex] Her: so umm... I'm in love with you Him: hi in love with you, I'm dad Both [in unison]: OH NO
My fingernails have two lengths: - too short to open a soda can - too long to open a soda can
Whenever I’m sad, I just wait for a really smart person to tell me it could be worse and that I should be grateful, and then I feel better.
Saying “The package is huge” wouldn’t be embarrassing except for the fact that I was staring at the Fed Ex guy’s crotch.
FUN FACT: % of murder gifs have ended in actual murder
Most people who wish a motherfucker would, have no idea what they’d do if a motherfucker did
No, no. Vermin are only placeholders for something far worse to come. You're fine for now.
My high school English teacher is on facebook now so I blocked her. I don't even know why she's on their
[watching Maury] "Oh my god these people are a mess," she exclaimed, while sitting on the couch, eating a whole rotisserie chicken with her fingers, and wondering where she had put her pants.
y/o: “Sometimes I like to pretend to be a potted plant.” Right. Yeah. Right.
I was about to scream at a man in my hometown for condescendingly asking if my y/o son was gay (because who cares if he is) but then my son started pirouetting around him while holding his Little Mermaid LEGOs and singing Taylor Swift so I just said, “Isn’t he fucking fabulous?”
Woke up with a penny stuck to my ass. That seems like a fair price.
You know what gets a man stiff? Please tell me. Idk. This is why my husband is leaving me.
You had me at gravy hot tub
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day. ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even. ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot. ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I prefer when people say I was "overserved" rather than "sloppy drunk" because it implies that someone else was to blame
Just went to Target and bought some feelings
I’m wearing a blouse today, like I’m responsible and years old.
I know you're only pretending to like me because my fanny pack is filled with crayons. I don't even mind.
When you already kinda think you're an asshole, but someone calls you that and you get pissed like how dare you fuckin notice
We are halfway through , and I’ve still not the faintest idea what a “yeet” is.
Me: I hate people Also Me: but I want sex - A Cumundrum
Ok here is my Rapunzel impression but imagine I’m using like a microphone or something that would record audio better than a phone
Presets are too complicated for me . Instagram influencers really work so much harder than we realize.... I’m supposed to just download this? And I cannot figure it out. It’s above me
if we can all stay out of the psych ward long enough maybe we can do something about the world but they wanna stop us so bad...
HAHAHAHA
Nobody has ever..... said this to me
helloooo
Yes
Oh and another thing, they’re sticky
Babies suck
god I’m so Rich
?
Lot of bad dm slides out there but this one was really good u know like keep that energy king
How long can a pizza sit out before it goes bad
I had such fun birthdays when I was small my parents would always get bounce castles and stuff so that’s probably why they make me so sad now but what if I got myself a bounce Castle this year and get a theme like princess stuff with little gift bags then maybe I’ll be happy
If u don’t cry at the end of ur birthday was it ever ur birthday
Hmmmm I’m worried about u guys
If I drink Neosporin will it make my insides painless
Cashier and I made eye contact & I whispered “I hurt myself..”
I try to get my friends to go to Hawaii with me every week and they never do
Omg it’s the one month till my birthday what can I do this year so that it doesn’t end in me feelin lonely and crying
: phew, that was bad : dang. That was rough too. : oh, this is just my life now
Them: So, you're into thick clocks? Me: Big time.
Which essential oil is best for when your life is falling apart?
Nooneiscomingtosave TonyStark
These aren’t even hard anymore.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Hey, thanks for coming over. Make yourself at home. Thanks! *takes a dump with the door open*
Darth Vader abandoned his infant twins to focus on his murder career. Later he tracked down his son, killed his adopted father figure, chopped off his son’s hand and then offered him a job in the family company...so I highly doubt I’m the worst father in history Karen.
cashier: it says your card was declined me: weird! narrator: it was not weird. it was, in fact, exactly what the broke bitch eected.
"Oh I'll watch that" I say as I add another show to my graveyard of unwatched television
[AA Meeting] Me: I'm days sober *confused applause* Guy, booing: Skyrim isn't an addiction, Phil!
I'll say it. Microsoft Office Online blows.
When I first started on Twitter I remember being so concerned with my ratio of followers to following, but now I'm only worried about my ratio of bad tweets and even worse tweets
My computer *freezes* Me: What's wrong? My computer: I...I can't go on Me: I just have four tabs open? My computer: It's too much... Me: Ugh. Fine. I'll close Spotify. My computer: What's this? My strength is restored!
If you have time to Snapchat about how hard you're working...you ain't working that hard
CSI: *using UV light* My God, it's everywhere Me: Oh haha that's not blood, it's pasta sauce Cop: *into radio* Tell Chief Boyardee we found his brother's killer Me: Wait what
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you've been holed up for hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Potatoes are just dirt apples.
RECEIVING CRITICISM: yes, that makes sense, I can see that RECEIVING COMPLIMENT: you shut your lying whore mouth right now, little-Larry-lies-a-lot
Somewhere along the way after college I stopped learning how to use Snapchat. Now I open it and I'm confused and get irritated. My senile years. They have begun.
Is there anything as satisfying as seeing someone who caused you pain get fat?
sorry i haven’t been funny lately i’ve been uhhhhhh *checks crumpled up notes* really fucking depressed
There is nothing quite as empowering as a fresh pair of undies
Pumpkin pie is best when it’s poured in a shot glass and called whiskey.
*Sunday afternoon* Me: Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Me: *gets depressed*
boss: John, we’re gonna have to let you go me: oh no is it the- boss: *nods* it’s the herb puns, John me: ugh every thyme
Is this a mistake? Yes. Am I gonna make it? Absolutely.
Friend: You okay? Me: Yeah, why Friend: You've been listening to country music Me [sobbing]: Well actually-
You think you got it bad? I'm going to a wedding my ex is attending and without thinking I packed: The hat I got her she didn't want The jacket she bought me The shirt she made for her birthday Her scarf I never gave back
If there's anything I learned in grade school it's how to walk on the right side of the fucking sidewalk
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative. JOHN: Dad, we know. OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious. GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Sometimes you gotta yeet before you can skeet
Calorie counting app: What did you eat? Me: A salad Calorie counting app [holding a knife]: Don't you freaking lie to me
NEVAEH: dad how did I get my name? ME: well it's "Heaven" backwards because your mother and I think about Heaven a lot LANA: what about me? ME: uhhhh [sweating] just a random name
Every girl my mother has been unsure about has ended up bad for me. You would think I would start to listen to her.
I’m too old for am booty calls If you aren’t fucking by pm I’m going to bed
Going to the gym is like coleslaw; everyone thinks they have the best way to do it and we all say we like it, but really we'd rather go for BBQ
[Gates of Hell] Me: ah fuck, was it because I killed that guy and kept driving? Hell’s Gatekeeper: no *flips papers on clipboard* says here you were forgiven for that Me: supposebley, you can- Hell’s Gatekeeper: that, that right there, that’s why
Be careful when you start saying stuff ironically because suddenly you can’t stop. Like I’ve been saying “yeet” for days. Yeet yeet yeet, constantly. My family is devastated. They won’t stop crying. “You’re breaking our hearts,” they say. “Yeet,” I say.
Siri how do I “make money”
Clues the depression is getting better: -smiling more -giving random high fives -peeing very frantically bc there is so much fun life stuff to get back to -wearing headbands
me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. the economy:
It’s weird how no one knows how to dance yet everyone thinks they’re good at sex
“alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression.
I’ve been doing alcohol in neature and can’t stop making Outside Memes
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box* Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
taking some time off from hating the way i look to focus more of my energy on hating my personality i hope you understand
bartender: [drying a glass with a rag] "what can i get ya?" me: "strongest thing you got" bartender: [slides me a single mother with kids]
Started moving. Related note: decided to be a minimalist.
there are piles of dirty clothes all over my apartment bc the ground is hot lava and i need to jump between them to go about my daily activities it’s strictly about survival
ME: Hotdogs imply the existence of coldcats. WENDY'S CASHIER: shut the fuck up no it doesnt. I'm sick of you Twitter weirdos coming in here saying weird shit I dont get paid enough for this you didnt even order. get the hell out.
grandma wants to know why I got heathen tattoos instead of buying a house and also how does her gps work she overshot her destination by minutes and is lost please how does it work how
L.A “I can’t believe you would use straws. Don’t you care about the turtles?” *Steps over homeless person.*
just googled titties and i don’t regret it
yeah the apocalypse is kinda a bummer but I’m pretty excited for the roving bands of women who’ve taken self-defense classes hunting down their abusers the cops said they’d “look into”
psa it’s weird and off-putting to reply intentionally rude things to people you don’t actually know in an attempt to be funny/connect with them
Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog:
can’t, busy making an ass of myself on the
GOD: You have probably -80 years at most before you die, ideally. MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of- GOD: You'll be unconscious for /3 of the time. MAN: ..uh GOD: *leans in* That'll be your favorite part.
George Orwell died from tuberculosis, a disease since made preventable by a vaccine.
I’m losing my gotdam mind it’s like a little shoulder devil fell down and can’t get up omfg someone life alert the imp
You know that thing where your coworker calls you in a panic wondering if you can cover their shift so they can stay home sick, and nobody else can do it? So you cancel your plans to cover them? That has been an intentional part of north-american capitalism since the s.
I dream of a different world. A better world. Where horses lay eggs. Horse eggs. Size of horses. They scream when hatch.
Dear humanity, What the fuck is wrong with you.
“Girls are so emotional it’s annoying,” says adult man who has refused to feel or cry since and must instead daily ejaculate a substance so potent with rage and unhealthy coping mechanisms it gives every woman within feet an instant yeast infection.
Someone: Hey can you do me a favor? Me, favors deep and ready to cry: Of course yes absolutely anything for you anything ok yes whazzup
I’m just a girl writer Standing in front of a bus my submittable account Asking it to hit me say “Accepted”
compared to her u are Nothing.
I can feel my soul leaving my body
Y'all wanna go steal from some rich people?
Parents who’ve owned homes for years when I tell them how much I pay for rent: Jesus at that rate you should just be paying a mortgage! Me, leaning in very very close: I fuckin know it
If the debate is “but are they REALLY concentration camps”, that’s a pretty good sign that they’re concentration camps.
Using a cup and a magazine to safely remove a boy from my apartment without killing them.
ladies we rebranding to a stupid girl summer. catch feelings for someone who lives hundreds of miles away! hook up with your ex! get matching neck tattoos and have a twilight themed shotgun wedding with the person you've been talking to for weeks!
[to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle] Mark Hoppus
saving up all my (none) money to buy a farm so I can grow squash and write books and raise goats and wave a pitchfork threateningly at everyone I see
When I’m not feeling well my husband will check on me to see if I’m still making dinner.
Easy there real life, I'm starting to neglect my twitter.
No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, wear gloves, get rid of the body, and act very sad at the funeral
I am starting a new laundry podcast called this smells fine it doesn’t need to be washed
It’s time to play everyone’s favorite dinner time game “is this chicken going to kill us?”
Spent my day educating my children on the realities of false confessions, like a good mom.
I’m sorry if someone already said this but Anne Hathaway’s hair never grows in the movie Interstellar and it makes me so angry.
How ‘bout we start with those people who came over on the Mayflower
One thing to keep in mind as Donald Trump continues to call for the deaths of five black for teenagers for a crime they didn't commit is that he's actually a rapist.
Look, this isn't particle physics. If your policy/creed/ideology/outlook on life causes you to harm children, it and you are wrong. This shouldn't have to be said.
Bruce Willis is always a dead person.
ALWAYS
here's how we have "progressed" as a country since the s: when I was a kid, racists had to hide under white hoods. nowadays they tweet from the Senate floor
Jude Law is always the bad guy.
Donald Trump wants to be praised for plunging the toilet he clogged with his giant size shit.
I have three hubcaps and I’m blasting the Clueless cd. You’re going to want to let me over.
Did you know that people will let you over in traffic if you blow a kiss out the window loljk you have to force them into a ditch.
The cool thing about Ikea furniture is that you can reconfigure it into your coffin in simple steps
*watching FRIENDS on Nick at Nite* MY MOTHER: That woman looks like a young Jennifer Anniston!
*Putting on my sexiest underwear* Him: what time is your drs appt?
Everyone has that pair of jeans that still fits as long as you never wash them ever again.
Is this your st time at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting? Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
went to board my flight and there was a guy sitting in my window seat and when i told him it was mine he said “but i want it” and if that’s not this whole fuckin country i don’t know what is
Sorry your boyfriend runs like Bob from Schitt's Creek.
Him: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.
Me: did I pass? Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I don't think the person who repeatedly tried to pressure his decades younger co-star into sleeping with him, publicly shame her on set when she refused to and insist the director add unnecessary sex scenes between us should be flapping his gums about feminism.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? ME: *panicking*
Most of my time in relationships is spent waiting for the other person to stop being mad at me.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.
ME: Grandma loves talking with you. Try asking her some questions. KID: Like, “when are you gonna die?”
My husband wants to start going on family camping trips... we’ve had a good run.
For the love of all that is decent and holy, silence your phone at work. No one wants to hear a little bird chirp every time you get a text from what I assume is your therapist because it’s clear you have no friends.
yo me would be so hurt by this tweet.
Karen is not a name. It’s a rank you earn... that’s why you’ve never seen a baby named Karen.
Nobody loves America more than Alyssa Milano. And that’s why I had to mute her.
My shortest date occurred in college when upon passing by a bike rack, I mentioned that someone had stolen my bike from it. He seemed rather interested, getting details, until he finally confessed he was the thief and this car was stolen too.
…
Put prizes back into cereal boxes, you monsters.
My heart was abandoned long ago and it grew beautifully wild and free.
Attempting to bring a woman to orgasm is a real clit or miss situation.
Hey do you like funny accounts who are also cool people? Do yourselves a favor and follow butt enthusiast, TMNT eert, excellent friend, and all around nice person, . Check him out, here: …
Do you know how many CARDIGANS I can get for the price of buying followers?! No thanks. I'll gain followers the old-fashioned way: displaying questionable intelligence and anal tweets
[Driving home from daycamp] yo: Daddy, the thing is, you neeeeever know when your kid gets to walk a llama.
If a presidential candidate picked a stylish, fuel-efficient Nissan subcompact to be their running mate, it could be the Vice Versa
genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my cat could talk genie: done me: he's not saying anything cat: [stalking off] i have nothing to say to the likes of 𝘺𝘰𝘶
server: do you have any questions about the menu? me: yeah, can I get the number of your food stylist for my boudoir photos?
KETO? Oh, I thought you said Cheeto. Yeah, no, I’m good.
god: [creates dog] perfect my work here is done dog: [hands god crumpled picture of human] make me friends god: they'll destroy everything dog: they wouldn't do that to me
ME: I frequently practice sensual, self-taught Tai Chi with a very savvy falafel vendor INTERVIEWER: just examples of your professional work please
[ordering from the dollar menu] me: I'll have dollars plz
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time] *sawing person in half* Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Some of you are still baby twitter accounts. You’ll learn how to handle being hated eventually.
I don’t know how to tell you this, because I care so much about you, but stop putting your tweets on Instagram.
This next one goes out to the one I love *endless screaming*
[after sending daughter to her grandparents house for the day] cleans house does laundry draws a horse/duck hybrid
I can't tell you how many times I've seen Back To the Future, and I just realised today that Huey Lewis is the judge with the megaphone at Marty's band audition.
For someone who wants credit for doing the absolute bare minimum, you sure do whine a lot about the purpose of doing the right thing and other people's actions being acknowledged.
Siri, turn off my heart.
What are some lyrics you have misinterpreted? There's a Green Day song called 'Coming Clean' where he sings about "what it takes to be a man" and when I was a kid I thought he was talking about growing pubes.
All the poop ends up in the ocean and then the fish eat the poop and then the people eat the fish. It’s the circle of life.
PSA for newlyweds who share a bathroom: Go for a lovely stroll around the neighbourhood while your significant other is taking a dump. Giving the bathroom time to air out will help keep the romance alive and whatnot.
Hey I sent you some pictures of my dog after he died, and you must have missed them. Just thought you should know that he was % a very good boy.
Hey Twitter how about a kind of sneaky pre-emptive self-muting feature so I can follow more naked people without affronting the prudes
what if sharks are just trying to free humans from the viewing cages thinking that they're trapped
“Do you want to throw this out now or wait until tomorrow?” - Leftovers
[Italian family gathering] Great aunt: eat EAT YOU'RE TOO THIN Me: *faints from waist band being too tight* My mom: she doesn't drink enough water [standing over my limp form] THIS IS WHY HYDRATION IS IMPORTANT
Tweet call game contest: We give you words and you have to include (bonus if you use all ) of those words in the tweet then link it here. They'll be rt and liked. Best tweet will be quoted and pinned to my profile
remember the s when everybody only hurt sometimes
It’s time to take it all and never give it back.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20 Me: I'm terrified of heterosexuals Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight - Me: *elodes into a pile of glitter* HER: pleas use a little lube HIM: ky? HER: cause yo willie’s all dry, hoss me: you have to try this it’s incredible mom: I don’t like mustard me: what an awful way to find out I’m adopted was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives Selfie Sunday! Post a selfie/pet pic/something you love. This weekend was both super slow and went by way too fast. I don't know what I actually got done, but I'm sure I did something But I am going to game night this week What are your plans for the week? Happy Sunday! Did you hear about the Star Wars action figures they’re giving away at the truck show? It’s a toy Yoda pickup. assert dominance at brunch by butt chugging cold brew just dumped the box of cereal on the floor, and instead of doing anything about it, I breathed a heavy sigh and added “Cheerios” to my grocery list. Is this what defeat looks like? Kids who weren’t vaccinated are so immature because they never grow up I’m afraid my twitter feed has been rather negative over the last day or so. I’m sorry about this. I usually try to keep things light and positive. So, to remedy this I’m going to tweet a string of pleasant thoughts. This time with correct spelling Looking forward to the "You’re Not My Prime Minister" marches This was brilliant, and such a joy to look across and see both my sons laughing their socks off. In the heat, in the dark, body pressed against body, flesh against flesh, the fear, the adrenalin, the anticipation, the excitement and above all the absolute necessity not to burst out laughing. No wonder men fell in love inside the Trojan Horse. Delete it - for the record You have no MP3 No MP3 at all! I got rid of all my old s, and that's vinyl. I hope this isn’t offensive to anyone but I will delete if it upsets someone. “I got rid of all my compact discs” “Why?” “It’s my CD” Got a text saying “Get % OFF Pizza When You Spend £30+”. A trick, obviously. Soon as you reach, say, £32 your bill drops to £16 so it goes back to full price so you have to order more food to trigger the discount anyway long story short who would like a large vanful of pizza? Drawing birds is a good way to keep the gloom at bay Boat thing, You make my heart sing, You make everything… Gravy. Tile thing, You make my heart sing, You make everything… Groovy. I don’t like the phrase ‘gutter press’. Gutters are useful. We’re off to see this evening and very happy to be bringing our boys with us too, sort of handing him on to the next generation. If you like this cartoon I can draw one just for you My daughter in law would say you’re making a mole out of a mountain hill, Moose. Malapropisms are the Achilles' hill I’m prepared to die on. I also have another cartoon in the current issue me: in the club with them apple bottom jeans (jeans) and boots with the... PETA: *raises eyebrows* me: ...with the tofu (tofu) in my secret treehouse, holding hands with my best buddies, giving motivational speeches on how to suck dick [First date at an aquarium] Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board Him: Me: SHARK-uterie Him: uhh Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ I keep a bat under my bed, that way if there’s an intruder, and it’s Dracula, the bat will fly out and say “whoa hold up, Drac, this guy’s cool, he’s my roommate.” me: [in tears, writing a song for my crush] crush: omg thanks Brad will LOVE this YES I KNOW THERE IS A TYPO AND IT'S PROBABLY WHY I'LL NEVER BE MOZART *watching someone make better shark joke than me* this is how salieri felt Toy Story : Growing up is difficult but necessary Toy Story : Seriously, feel free to move on with your life anytime now Toy Story : We're gonna kill Woody in this one if that's what it takes to get you to enter the adult world [during a plague epidemic] me: i need to be quarantined doctor: do you have symptoms? me: no i just hate other people friend: help, i need somebody! help! me: not just anybody, help! friend: me: oh shit she bled out him: babe what are you thinking about me: killing santa him: ... what me: *shrugging* killing santa me when I was : when I grow up I’ll travel around the world solving ancient mysteries me now: stays in bed trying to decipher why no one likes me HUMANS: (invent sodomy, oral sex, and homosexuality) GOD: (secretly super impressed, but also jealous and angry he didn't think of them first) um those are sins actually me: *tries to withdraw$70* ATM: Insufficient funds. $69.69 remaining. me: *in tears* ⁿᶦᶜᵉ [sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense her: not what i meant by wrap it up before sex me: oh good the bow is cutting off my circulation goblin boy in the streets [cowering by a hydrant, plotting], goblin boy in the sheets [they’re covered in spiders]. me: *wearing a face mask* ugh my skin feels so good friend: is......is that mayo? Me and my posse of penguins are gonna go downtown and start a riot, wanna join? A glory hole but for someone to tell me that they're proud of me all dinosaurs were women “the first one is always the hardest,” i say, doing one sit up and then never doing physical activity again [first day as a surgeon] doctor: and this is the on-call room me: yes for the sex doctor: me: isn’t that like % of what doctors do? hate it when i spend all night rockin my body right and backstreet doesn’t come back kentucky fried big bird me: omg i have a really bad pain in my chest am i having a heart attack murderer: *pulling the knife out* omg omg call crying in the uber again but it’s not me this time it’s my driver The sun is a type of toaster look, i’m baby, and i can decide for myself if i want to be in the corner or not *twerking erratically at the club* I’M VERY UNHAPPY Local singles in your area have wounded you with their various blades. There's no use running now. They can smell blood for miles around snakes are more afraid of us than we are of them, after the whole apple thing they know they're on thin ice noooo don’t go to war with iran ur sooo sexy ahaa colouring in actors in old movies for representation [dentist office] ME {removing my hands}: You got a lot of teeth in there PATIENT: Isn't that normal? ME: I don't know DENTIST: How'd you get in here again? i'm tired of the phrase "too bad" so from now on I'm saying "that's cactuses" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses me: well, i don't want to kill myself but i do want to die gas station attendant: so, that's a yes to the clearance hot dog y’all. just quit climbing mt everest. it’s over. been done. just stop it. The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know. bacteria: i'm here! noah: only pairs can get on the ark bacteria: i brought LOTS of friends *everyone dies of tuberculosis* [date at applebees] waiter: what'll it be? her: I'll have the apple me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then shaving my head to make my nose look bigger mess with your friends heads by wearing a tshirt without any words or pictures on it gf: don't tell my parents we've slept together me: ok [later] her dad: tell me how you met me: we met in a bar and stayed awake all night fucking [eensive restaurant date] me: waiter, the William please [desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats her dad: just as long as you didn't sleep together me: promise me: back to my palace? her: no me: thank god I left a tip me: I'll leave a tipperance me: I enjoyed meeting your mom but the waiter was terrible my gf: that was my dad me: then why was he working in that restaurant? my gf: that was my house waiter: here's your bill me: *checking pockets* this is so embarrassing her: you forgot your wallet? me: no, my pants are inside out [to my students] mistakes are how we learn [to myself] you stupid fuckin moron I wake up happy and full of energy. going out for a brisk walk I look up and see a bird flying upside down and I understand. a dog tips his hat dentist: how can I help me: *lying down on chair* i blame my parents [therapy] me: I guess I've always had trouble knowing who to speak to secretary: you can go in now interviewer: if a coworker says "don't speak to me until I've had my coffee" what do you do? me: firstly, I'll know they are probably a huge stand up comedian waiting for their big break interviewer: good. and then? me: I'll invite them to my improv kim kardashian when kim karinahurryian (barely works, /10) If my kids don't come when I call them I just give my wife a big passionate kiss and all of a sudden there they are [end of date] me: *reading* you have a very unusual name her: that's my phone number i want my eulogy to vaguely rhyme like every rd and th line, and people will register it and feel a little weird about laughing, my life metaphor. As a tall person I cannot offer to reach something on a high shelf for a stranger, yet if they ask me I must oblige. This is the law of the giants Jukeboxes do not contain one single juke I’m not trying to seduce you. you see me reading a book upsidedown and sneer at my ineptitude until you realise it is I, times state upsidedown reader champion If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within minutes you can assume I am dead. waiter: ketchup? me: no thanks, I brought my own the word ketchup originally comes from China, sleep well him: what is it? me: it's a time loop him: what is it? me: it's a time loop him: what is it? me: I see me: ugh what a long day guy who lives on venus: don't get me started [first day as a gardener] boss: collect the leaves me: ok boss: not the ones in the trees "Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?" *my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls* The nice thing about history repeating itself is it's all automatic. You don't even have to do anything [browsing in a pet shop] me: 'scuse me, do you work here? hamster: no my divorce lawyer: why does she want a divorce? me: *lacing up* it's complicated divorce lawyer: so not because of the rollerblades then? me: *gliding away* no my baby: suucker my wife, to another guy: I love you me: what the fuck my wife: just change his diaper my daughter was drawing a picture of me sitting on the sofa. after half an hour patiently modeling for her she showed me the perfect drawing of an empty sofa. I tell her it's amazing If you follow me here you should head over to: for jokes and/or for funny retweets from small accounts I’m probably going to close this account soon! me: *dying* will this hurt doctor: not as much as life did me: *exists* Republican men: no, not like that person in front of me: *goes miles under the speed limit* me: why are you ruining my life [park bench] him: if you could choose any superpower, what would it be? me: I've felt invisible my whole life so literally any other superpower would be a nice change him: *noticing me for the first time and mouthing* sorry, I'm actually on my phone Student: how old are you Me: I was born in the ’s Student: so, like years ago Me: maybe more Date: *opens door for me* Me, a strong, independent woman, perfectly capable of opening my own door: thanks Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness? Clark Kent: kryptonite Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite? Clark Kent: oh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa THEM: I don’t really care because it’s not affecting me personally. ME: I used to be a complete dick, too. Not sure why these right-wing Oregon militias are willing to die to stop a climate change law when they could just wait like years *I tweet about the treatment of children at detention centers* *woman responds that they shouldn’t have come here illegally* *I respond that these children are mostly entering legally at ports of entry, seeking asylum* *she blocks me* They don’t want to know. They don’t care. Three horror movies in two days and now I know with certainty that no one upstairs can hear my blood curdling screams, so I’ll just die if an attacker or a demon or a vengeful ghost descends into the basement I guess. Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit. Wish the Golden Rule were made of more common stuff. Shouldn’t be so rare. Some day, a special someone will come along, steal your heart and make you believe that marriage should be for life...for about ten years. You should read this whole New Yorker piece about the conditions at Border Patrol facilities in Texas, but if you can't read the whole thing, at least read this paragraph: In case anyone’s curious where John Bolton in particular stands on The Hague: Carnivals are fun because you trust a person you would avoid on the street with your life for three minutes. Tried to spice up my sex life by dipping my dong in caramel & rolling it in peanuts like a Payday bar, but I was attacked by birds, had to go the hospital, and am no longer welcome at PetSmart. Dating: “No you hang up!” “No you hang up!” “No you hang up!” “No you hang up!” Marriage: “No you shut up” “No you shut up” “No you shut up” “No you shut up” [Job Interview] Investment Bank Manager: "Can you define yourself in one sentence?" Me: ""Hmm. I'd have to say '5 years jail time, with the possibility of parole for securities fraud and insider trading'" Manager: "Perfect. When can you start?" [repeatedly mashing elevator button] him: you know that doesn't make it come any quicker [starts licking elevator button] [night of the purge] me: [loading the dishwasher] man: *peeking out from safe room* uhhh, what are you doing me: please just let me have this *putting on an apron* it's the only time i can feel like a homeowner “So weird how some men give their penis a name like Roger or Thor”, I observe with my mouth (Robert) while gesticulating wildly with my hands (Jerry & Ben). He said her name like it was an enchanted word to summon faeries. He called her out of his desire but at her pleasure. He called her simply for the thrill of having her arrive. My yo makes nonsense words and sometimes accidentally comes across real ones. Tht is a lot of lead up to the fact that my yo has been calling my yo a wanker all morning. "I don't need this adversity right now, I have quite enough character, thank you," is not a conversation I eected to have with my dishwasher tonight, but here we are. Looking through the ValPak mailer but just for writing prompts Illegal is an incorrect and hateful term. And it's especially inaccurate in this context. Allow me to elain. Sunday mornings. A cup of coffee, a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and How It's Made on Science Channel. Just a little slice of heaven right there. I can rest knowing that I hold all of the Daves' fate in my hands. I can’t hear the whining above the din of all my Satanic cockroaching. (It’s very noisy doing hail Satans as a cockroach.) I have Tool window stickers older than you. For the purposes of this “Family Size” bag of chips, I am a childless, unwed orphan. If you visit New Zealand you legally have to form a Fellowship to defeat evil. This tweet is a blatant cry for help. And by help, I mean pizza. I just had someone correct my spelling on my birthday, they should be put to death, correct? A dildon’t is better known as a watermelon. I'm eerimenting with telling people who ask why I don't have kids that "I'm part of a secret government operation designed to--" and then abruptly darting away like a coked up squirrel. It's way more fun than talking about infertility. When you cut through the alley on your way home from school and old Spaghetti Jones offers you a free sample of buttered noodles, and next thing you know you're passed out in the gutter dreaming creamy Alfredo dreams while a mangy old dog licks parmesan cheese off your face. *likes to be thrifty and is trying to save the earth* Me: Could I interest you in a slightly used coffee stirrer? Guy: WTF is wrong with you? I can get my own. Me: I blame my mom. It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math Don't call people 'illegals'. There are more important things than laws you know. Like human beings. Today has emptied me, as if I wasn’t barren already. It has squeezed out of me every someday, every I love you, every poetic name and left a nothing. A nothing at all. If something terrible happened to you and u need to calm your nerves I will fetch u a scotch on the rocks just as Florence Nightingale intended. Clothespins are nipple clamps for your laundry. *walks across a city street between crosswalks while holding a bottle of Crimes wine* hell yeah crimes Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It's either a sign, or the smallest plague ever. Playing DND w/ Sean Astin Me: Rolling for damage. Dammit! I dropped a dice on the floor. S: You mean a di- M: Whoa! Goonies NEVER say die. Bernie: “I think that there are a certain number of people who would like to see a woman elected, and I understand that.” Also Bernie: ”Elizabeth is a friend of mine. I think she’s running a good campaign.” Vanity Fair headline: Building on 's breathtaking chart of wealth since , here's who captured all the new wealth over the last years. The top % got /4 of all new wealth (with over /3 going only to the top %). The next % got the remaining /4. Nothing to the bottom half. you ever think about how stupid it is to be working while we're accelerating toward a mass extinction event? doesn't it feel like we should be doing something...else? George Orwell died from tuberculosis, a disease since made preventable by a vaccine. Incredible, truly Here is my portrait of you gotta be a pretty repulsive sack of shit to claim superiority over anyone simply because your parents fucked on a different piece of dirt than theirs Weird that the more my mental health improves, the more repulsed I become by anything on this website. Unelainable coincidence. There are an incredible number of lies people are trying to sell today to get people to look away from Trump's concentration camps. Let's dispense with one of the big ones: the idea that they can't be camps because the conditions inside are fine. That's a lie. People are dying. Me and contacted a bunch of bodybuilders on Cameo, pretending to be a mom who needs them to scare her son so he stops eating fudge from her fudge drawer while she’s at work. these are the ones that responded Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue what I hear when my parents make me go to church there are concentration camps at the border I thought I was prepared for Serenity. I was mistaken. Guillermo del Toro really wanted his Slaughterhouse Five movie to be authentic. Pete Buttigieg thinks Ivanka has student loan debt There shouldn’t be libraries because billionaires would get free books Sanders-Warren fights are pointless, at least for now. The two candidates like each other; so do their staffs, both of which prominently include veterans of Harry Reid’s staff. The ideological differences between them are meaningful but pale compared to with the rest of the field a wedding band playing killing in the name of at a wedding but instead of saying killing in the name of they say Wayne and Linda in love me when Thriller comes on: *stands up and takes off my hat* friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are *Doctor finishes the exam* "I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you" "I'm so mad I could pun-" *Doctor looks over his glasses* my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies Marine Biologist: and then there’s the pilot whale, which is commonly mistaken for a porpoise Guy who thinks the word porpoise is disgusting: *starts gagging* waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight? me: no no I’ll find it thanks Me: I’ll have the acoustic donut Baker: that’s a bagel waitress: are you sure you want an ambulance to come? me: there’s no way these are mild the trailer for the new Cars movie looks weird guy from high school I barely knew years ago sees me: brent? me: I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup Buddy: please don’t do this, it’s not street wear. Me: yes it is, it’s going to be fine I’m telling you Buddy: I’m begging you not to wear it out Me: [Oregon Trail ] Doctor: Any final words? Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome eerience isn’t made into a game for children to play. [me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha [wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha [god inventing horses] make a sexy donkey I was running late to work today but I sat in the parking lot so I could send him this friend: it’s just a prank with spray paint me slowing down to 0 mph on the highway: can’t risk it Sebastian Vettel is very good wife’s friend: is brent still trying to make his own moisturizer? wife lying for me even tho the entire house smells of vitamin E: no no [calling psychic to setup an appt even tho I’m skeptical] psychic: hello would you like to setup an appt? [still very skeptical but impressed none the less] Salutations. I am *glides across the floor like a damn dracula* a dracula. moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor* me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk* Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls Me: oh I’m not a cop lol me: I'm going to build a time machine him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs me shyly: new miley slaps son and his friends that I’m driving to school: what was that? me: nothing me everytime I die in a video game I realized wrestling was fake when the undertaker who’s known as “the dead man” had to wear a knee brace friend: bet you can’t go the entire party without talking about it me: deal [me minutes at the party] I think tv picture quality has gotten too good [At dinner w girlfriend's parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it* [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth [me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL for any of you wrestling fans I was a referee for a wrestling show last night featuring and I gotta say how tough and nice he was. one of my favs I’ve met [wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune? [me sounding perfect] c’mere baby everyone laughing because my smart watch keeps buzzing: haha friend giving my eulogy: alright let’s stop texting him anyone else fake a limp while they’re calling in sick to work? I....had....the time of my life, till that cliff nearly took my wife cop: is this a fake drivers license? me: no cop: so you live on Marvin Gardens? girl at party: ive heard of people living above chinese food or pizza places but never that me who always smells like quarter pounders: well it’s a thing ok Walt Disney [standing next to columbus on the santa maría] you dont know where we are do you? [lowers telescope] "there's just so much water keith" Your wife’s giving birth and you’re behind the curtain listening to a podcast about snakes [hospital] Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze! Nurse: you have a great attitude! Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : ) Nurse: aw : ) [funeral] My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive. Daughter: was I a mistake? Wife: no honey. Son: was I a mistake mama? Wife: no baby. Daughter: so no one was a mistake? Me: [holds up mushroom] hey look I’m a fungi to be with! Wife: well... Daughter: what does biography mean? Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone. [later at movie night] Wife: let’s watch Cars. Daughter: [whispers] autobiography. [happy gasp] Daughter: dada are you allergic to poison? Me: [fork halfway to mouth] uh what? Daughter: Me: why did you ask me that? Daughter: Me: WhY DId yOu ASk mE tHAt? God: you’re a dragonfly. Dragonfly: does that mean I can spit fire? God: give it a try lol. Dragonfly: i’m a dragonfly and i’m here to say; dragonfly’s are cool and nice hurray! God: Dragonfly: [whisper] I can spit fire : ) God: i’m sorry but the answer is no. Butterfly: please? God: I can’t do it. Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend? God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous. Butterfly: ok fine : ( Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either. God: you’re a decapod. Crab: what does that mean? God: it means you have legs. Crab: b-but that’s too many legs. God: at least you don’t have a hundred. Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs? Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs? Wife: I think you should stop reading comic books to our daughter. Me: why? Wife: she just asked the dog his origin story. Me: Wife: Me: what did he say? God: you’re a laughing hyena. Hyena: what does that mean? God: you laugh at things like upgod. Hyena: what’s upgod? God: nothing, what’s up with you? Hyena: God: Hyena: maybe I can be a politely smiling hyena instead. Harry, you’re a wizard go to Hogwarts and stay. Harry, you’re a wizard, doing magic’s okay. and all the Wizards will cla-a-aim. Voldemort is Heeee Who Must Not Be Na-a-amed. So hard to choose So hard to see. yells the old Hat when he sorts Harry. Not to Slytherin no He won’t go. In Gryffindor’s house he will grow. The first years are coming and they don’t stop coming. Platform ¾’s gotta hit the wall running. The Hogwarts Eress is the name of the train. Ron’s a good friend and Hermione’s the brain. [ to the tune of all-star] Hagrid once told Harry the world was kind of scary and Voldemort wanted him dead. He killed his parents first then cast the killing curse that left the lightning scar on his head. Daughter: dada why are cats so crazy? Me: I don’t know honey. Daughter: I think it’s cause they drink too much catffeine. Me: do you mean caffeine? Daughter: [shakes head] no dada the catffeine in their catpuccino. Me: [on phone] hey babe you’ll never guess- Wife: [sees jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you? Me: let me finish, you’ll never guess who I ran into today. God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office? Lion: yes. God: did you uh do anything while I was gone? Lion: no why? [Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner] God: I guess I’ll delete them then. Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn! God: you’re a giraffe. Giraffe: why is my neck so long? God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees. Giraffe: that makes perfect sense! [monkey climbs a nearby tree] Giraffe: God: you weren’t supposed to see that. God: lions are apex predators. Lion: what does that mean? God: you rule your domain. Lion: like a king? God: exactly. Lion: yay! I call king of the jungle! God: you don’t live in the jungle. Lion: then elain the song. God: what song? Lion: a-weema-weh a-weema-weh God: you’re a bird. Penguin: yay! God: but you can’t fly. Penguin: why? God: you need way more feathers to fly. Penguin: oh. well that’s fair. [flying squirrel glides by] Penguin: God: technically that’s not flying lol. [Hell] Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony! Me: Neato! I'm a glutton for punishment Demon: ... *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here [desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats [milking a cow] Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder Farmer: what? Cow: I mean - moo her: it’s the third date me: you know what that means her: yep me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence [First date at an aquarium] Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board Him: Me: SHARK-uterie Him: uhh Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ Uber driver: Me: Uber driver: Me: Uber driver and me at unison: the sun wants to set us on fire and one day the moon isn’t going to protect us stuff is obsessed with costing like$12
me: so we thought the abbreviation for “pharmacy” should be RX boss: very good very good [reviewing papers] by the way, do you know how to spell pharmacy me: [embarrassed] i do not boss: me neither. i'm sure it's fine
gave my cousin an urn for his birthday and he was like “are these grandpa’s ashes?” like, you think i got you someone else’s grandpa’s ashes? use your fucken head
I sexually identify as “rebel scum”
me: pass the salt *the salt is slid to me* me: and the peppa *peppa pig's head is slid to me on a silver platter* me: *shaking salt* and now we feast
I forgot the words for ceiling fan and called it a room propeller
my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies
Teacher "Hi, why are you here?" Me "Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?" Teacher "Yes and you're off to a really bad start."
MY CURSED RUNES BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE / ENCHANTED WITH CHARMS I COMMAND THEM / HORDES OLDER THAN STARS
ratbird screamin in the dead of night flap ur lil wings & somehow fly what are bats? ratbird is the name for the thing you just described
(on phone) Hey girl, ask how my Magic The Gathering tournament went. "Did u get enough mana to cast a 'basemento moving outo' spell?" "GET OFF THE LINE MOM"
someone please invent a peanut butter jar with a cap on each side so i can just flip it over instead of reaching for the bottom. i don’t even care about the patent. don’t pay me. just make this a thing.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza? ME: Nah, you take it KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza's real mother
Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*
me: in the club with them apple bottom jeans (jeans) and boots with the... PETA: *raises eyebrows* me: ...with the tofu (tofu)
[therapist's office] me: talking to people is so stressful. i wear headphones to avoid conversations and NEVER answer phone calls therapist: you are the worst receptionist we've ever had
Looking back on it, I think I've always struggled to make friends outside of the internet because a lot of people don't understand dry humor & tend to think I'm serious when I'm actually joking. COP: [loudly chewing a sandwich] you were allowed to leave three hours ago
hot paramedic: you've been in an accident, we're going to have to cut your clothes off me: *remembers i'm wearing Thundercats underwear* WAIT don't damage my Thundercats underwear
CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie! [they embrace] OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself
Hostage negotiator: let one hostage go as a show of good faith Me, one of the hostages: [raising hand] ooh, pick me pick me! Bank robber: I'll let one go if you send in ten pizzas Me: [quickly lowers hand]
GATOR MOM: See you guys later! DAD: Later! DAUGHTER: Later! SON: In awhil—I mean… DAD: What?! SON: *Sigh* It’s time. GIRLFRIEND: *Removes rounded snout prosthetic and teeth covers* SON: Mom, dad, this is Susan. She's a crocodile and we're in love.
I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it
[shot of me lying on the floor, thinking the world would certainly be a better place without me, then bravely getting up to eat two slices of cold ham before lying back down] David Attenborough: Stunning. The will to survive against all odds is truely remarkable
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. You goofknocker, you chode, you absolute clod
patent clerk: NEXT me: here you go patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin- me: *steps behind counter* NEXT
me: i like your haircut. did you know the bees are dying? you: weird segue me: it’s called a segway [zooms away]
how has this show not been canceled yet
I may be wearing a shapeless, unattractive dress that is several sizes too big and resembles a muumuu/tent hybrid but I have never been more comfortable so fashion can eat my entire ass today
HELP just fell into the zoo's otter enclosure please send tiny cowboy hats asap
everyone laughing because my smart watch keeps buzzing: haha friend giving my eulogy: alright let’s stop texting him
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery [Later] Me: *gestures at kid* Well? Wife: i meant the hamster
me: whenever god closes a window *eats another cocktail shrimp* he makes lemonade widow: please don't lean on the casket
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones Dog: WE'LL TAKE IT
Announcing a federal crackdown on blood tornadoes
"Cold...so cold...getting dark...I'm not..going...to make it. Tell my husband...I love...d hating The Doors. Just...the worst...so awful..."
"hey what episode are you on?" -standard American greeting
for the new yorker's kid lit project, i wrote about one of my favorites, the mog the cat series!!!!
/2 My birthday is /19 & I’m fundraising for , an amazing org that's saved more than k dogs. Now thru /30, I’m donating proceeds from my Fight Like a Princess merch: … Or donate directly: (pls me the receipt!)
Call me crazy but “They’re just putting people in concentration camps, it’s not like they’re exterminating them” is not the standard I want my government held to.
Why celebrating is more important now than ever
My first piece for the Washington Post. Pretty dang excited. It’s about Joy Division shirts obviously. Please check it out.
The songs Roky Erickson wrote summoned equal parts deliverance and salvation, something he enacted in his music, perhaps more so for his listeners than for himself. For 's Sunday Review, I wrote about his transcendent album Never Say Goodbye.
Baby’s first Misfits tattoo (by Lolli Morlock at Valentine’s Tattoo in Seattle)
“I usually try to give up a groove to somebody if they ask me,” Prince said, though nothing compares to his own. Ƭ̵̬̊ wrote about Prince: Originals for , Best New Reissue (as in you've heard these songs but never like this)
I don't think is very believable because it doesn't mention Duran Duran even once.
Finally some good news
FINALLY the representation I have always PRAYED and AWAITED FOR
U ok everlane?
For 's "Secrets" issue, I wrote about April Dawn Alison's self-portraits, out soon from , and the subject of an upcoming exhibition :
Playing Batman is basically jury duty for white male actors. Sit tight, you'll all get your turn.
If you love a reservoir You do not love a reservoir You love being drunk in high school
Could this be the year I get into bolo ties?
please stop criticizing the dem leadership for spinelessly shrugging off impeachment, they are engaging in complex political calculus that we couldn't possibly understand
. Cocktail . Cocktail . Cocktail . Cocktail . Overboard
Because you’re a pedophile?
Honey I shrunk my penis
freaks and geeks season
dr pepper killed my wife
what’s going on with this restaurant’s menu
gn
haha!
yeah i been drinking.... drinking baja blast!!! haha
Stupid fucking idiot and proud!!!!!
just ran into an old college buddy i haven’t talked to in a year in a bar bathroom and i said “hey man long time no pee” and he didn’t laugh and now i remember why i haven’t talked to him in a year
acting isn’t even that hard you just read words on a page lmao
just found out nsync broke up
freaks and hitler geeks cancelled
"Toy Story " stars Keanu Reeves, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, aka the world's easiest game of Fuck Marry Kill
asking for a vodka cran and getting a receipt for $17 let’s have some fun this beat is sick i wanna vaccinate your fucking kids confession: i did not get parent permission before going online might fuck around and pronounce the p in raspberry billie eilish: i’m the bad guy cop: [putting her into the back of his squad car] yeah we know you just ran over five kids with your car mixed a bang energy drink with mcdonald’s sprite and my eyes turned black and i started uniting the nomadic tribes of northeast asia and founded the mongol empire LIL PHAG - resERECTION . IHATEMETOO (ft , & Felony Steve) . CHARLIE SHEEN (ft ) . GAYNSAD (ft & ) . ERRYBODYGAY (ft & ) FIRST WEEK SALES GO TO zookeeper: over here are the penguins me: ice chickens zookeeper: and over here are the giraffes me: long neck horses zookeeper: and finally over here are the hippos me: [cocking gun] danger pigs that killed my dad dave i can GUARANTEE that no woman is getting an abortion to impress your shitty ass lmao okay what the FUCK is indiana me knowing darn well that statistically relationships with men lower women’s life eectancies but still falling for them anyways they sent me this with no context and without telling me they were doing it lmaooooo i’m not even getting paid for this do i ask for a check in case the glamorous box wasn’t enough it’s also a TV SCREEN HAHAHAHA WTF IS THIS together we can stop him wanted to do a photoshoot in my favorite shirt Dr. Pepsi is a woman body positivity thread!!! drop your pics i’ll start EpiPen is short for Epic Penis just got awested for vehicuwar manswaughter i don’t know why the nurse always tells me my blood pressure as if I understand it i’m not a doctor i don’t know what “260/40” or “hypertensive crisis” means cough drops should really be called anti-cough drops. if you showed me a product called "cough drops" i would automatically assume that they give you a cough when you have none. anyway, your son's ca- [dropping my stethoscope] whoops, your son's cancer is back just found out that before hitler committed suicide he wanted to make sure the cyanide capsules would work so he fed them to his dog idk y’all i’m starting to think we should cancel this guy i want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooooooooooong list of vaccinations zoinks scoob i think we just killed jonbenet ramsey white women to the waiter when their dressing didn’t come on the side ahead of pride month Trump’s administration put a ban on embassy’s flying pride flags. so as of today, I am now the owner of Hell, Michigan. I bought the whole town. And my first act as owner, I have renamed my town to Gay Hell, MI. The only flags allowed to fly are pride. not all heroes wear capes - some wear sweaters or jackets tied around their waist because they uneectedly started their period. Preamble. Is that like foreplay? There is truth in wine. I drink whisky. If you see ICE in or around Koreatown in Los Angeles, call -894-1504. People who know how to safely record evidence without escalating will be dispatched. ICE Raids are eected to start on Sunday in: - Miami - Atlanta - Chicago - Baltimore - Denver - Houston - Los Angeles - New Orleans - New York City, - San Francisco If you are in any of these cities, please share this info Dad: it’s time we had “the talk” Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka Dad: the what? Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles?? Dad: excuse me Me: slaying the vadragon?? Dad: what?!? Me: disappointing the wife Dad: oh sex, right Him: i really like you Me: I think we should break up Him: wow ok bitch Me: on second thought Trump could rape a teenager live on Fox news with a flag burning in the back & ppl would still be like, "Bill Clinton is bad& Hillary lies." trump keeps getting “peach & mint” for the what lip gloss flavor are you quiz on buzzfeed. there will come a time when Trump will finally say "yeah, so I raped women, okay? happy now?" and his followers will simply say "wow, what a brave man to admit his own faults" yes, there are five stages of grief, but if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-start, you get access to the hidden levels Conversation so confusing, you feel like a contestant on “Wheel of Fortune”. I’d like to solve the DM. The only thing worse than watching a -minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's -minute recap. Westley: Inhale this, but do not touch... Vizzini: I smell noth-oh wait now I smell it, that's disgusting Westley: He who smelt it also dealt it [before the test drive] him: try to play it cool this time me: no prob [during the test drive] me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY “OK men, spread out.” “Oat?” “What?” “Spread oats?” “Spread out.” “One oat?” “Dammit.” Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work. Gentle reminder that you are enough. Well, except for water~ you don’t drink enough. But you’re so goddamn enough as a human, you beautiful dehydrated bitch. "Mommy! That sign says mph and you are going ." "Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!" Following this new Bieber logic I have to fight someone years older than me. So Stevie Nicks, anytime you wanna go...I’m prepared to get my ass kicked. Having a cat is like having a roommate that doesn't like you. I visited a friend's home for the first time. They introduced me to their dog and their dog's cousin. I just left. I'm not dealing with that type of bullshit today. One time I made eye contact with a hipster in a coffee shop and a vape cloud appeared and carried me to a thrift store. I’m aging like a fine wine. In a basement, unappreciated by men my age. (changes into activewear before going to the cheesecake factory) I didn’t win the contest to name a newly discovered group of stars. I got a consolation constellation prize. I just bought myself the most decadent tiramisu ice cream birthday cake. Before you send wishes, I should note that it isn't my birthday. I'm eating it for lunch. America needs to face the things we’ve done wrong and take steps towards making it right. My housing plan creates a first-of-its-kind down-payment assistance program to help Black and Brown families living in formerly redlined neighborhoods buy a home. Leaving so not soon enough? interviewer: tell us something that you’re most proud of me: well, i’ve never ordered taco bell via uber eats and I think that’s a pretty big accomplishment Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day' Him: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog. I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers. sometimes the roomba gets caught in the curtains and i’m like, WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER ANYMORE. legit had spaghetti for breakfast before I even had coffee in case you wondered what success looks like what’s that thing called where you eat a lot of spaghetti and then eat more because i have that. Epic Sadness is all we have, Jordan my cat isn’t allowed in the bedroom so she just sits outside it and glares at me HAHAHAHA I JUST SAW THE TYPO on my way to therapy, let me know if you want me if you need anything. today is day that I have not been killed by an angry man, but it’s only pm. sometimes I eat yogurt for breakfast to really set the mood for the epic sadness that’s just ahead. Bran Stark My Dad I'm going to go now. Them: don't take candy from strangers. Me: *scoffing* like my dad would ever mail me candy. Friend: try this. It tastes terrible Me, who dislikes myself: ok [to the tune of Tubthumping] he was a young Link he was an older Link he was a toon Link he was a wolf Link he plays the songs that take him to the future times he plays the songs that take him to the past times Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun* *watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert* My face pressed against a glass bottom boat as my eression changes from wonderment to panic as I slowly realize I'm on the wrong side [Leaving SeaWorld] Blind Person: well that was bullshit. Him: Dogs are always happy when their owners get home from work! My dog: Bitch, you were gone all day! Treats or gtfo Pharmacist: Viagra for Bryan! Spelled B-R-Y-A-N! Bryan: Geez, don’t embarrass me like that. Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way! I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos. Let’s hop in the sporty rickshaw and tase each other until we can smell our ancestors Hugh Walkman: equally strong calf muscles. Hugh Jackman: one forearm arm bigger than the other. Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world Ash: i'm a kid Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you Ash: that sounds dangerous Oak: keep it caged in a ball Ash: kinda harsh Oak: catch'em all Ash: you okay bro Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS First person to get stoned: h- Medusa: Me: you seen those videos where they fix stuff just using ramen noodles? Therapist: that won't work on your life murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon aragorn: you have my sword legolas: and you have my bow gimli: and my axe murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :') Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better. Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal Me: my resume talks?? Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S AM ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up.... God: you run really fast. Horse: sweet. God: people ride you in circles for sport. Horse: kindof weird but ok God: also don’t break a leg. Horse: why? God: Horse: God? why? [movie date] *we both reach for the popcorn at the same time* *our fingers touch* ME: *slowly turns to her* get the fuck off my popcorn me: wow your kid drew this horse? friend: it’s a dog but yeah me: omg your dog drew this horse? [about to have sex] me: I’m nervous her: is this your first time me: no I’ve been nervous many times year old me: i'll have my shit together when im year old me: lmao nope Me: What's wrong? Wifi: You're obsessed with the internet Me: Give me one example Wifi: Look how you've spelled wife husband: *mopping up pools of blood from the kitchen floor* me: *walks in* OH MY GOD husband: babe, I can elain- me: you’re cleaning God: you repeat things Parrot: repeat things? God: yes Parrot: yes? God: very good Parrot: very good? God: now you got it Parrot: I got what? God: ok you lost it God: you're man's best friend Dog: OMG! Love it! God: yup Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime! God: well.. Dog: two of a kind, /50! we make decisions together! God: you live in a kennel in the yard Dog: what Me: ok class if depression is traveling south at beers an hour and bad decisions are driving north west at one swig per second- Student: wait wasn't the problem solve for X? Me: *chugging th beer this hour* no it was solve my EX problem. so is now a good time to text her? nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haunted nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted War Horse : More Horse GOOGLE SEARCH: The scent of pizza in the brick oven DID YOU MEAN: Smelling what the rock is cooking Teacher: pencils down, the question was solve for X Me: *turns in paper that just says "Gon give it to ya" [in hell] Me: omg is that melted cheese Satan: no it’s lav- Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot **Pixar Film Themes Guide** Toy Story: Jealousy WALL-E: Environmentalism Up: Bereavement Cars: Cars tony stark, to spiderman: here kid, here's some armor i tailored especially for you that protects you and enhances all of your abilities hawkeye, the most vulnerable avenger: cool guess i’ll just go fuck myself then My son’s favorite Jurassic Park movie is Jurassic Park because he’s only and he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. my airpods accidentally disconnected and now everyone at grandma's funeral knows I'm listening to Old Town Road what the fuck doctor: in my years as a doctor I have never seen anything like this me: *showing him Cars * it's pretty bad, right? [at a crematorium] me: I feel like I should get a discount undertaker: why? me: my wife died in a house fire JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that's only like days [job interview] me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions Interviewer: what do you mean? Me: oh no [meeting girlfriend's parents] me: I'm a big fan of your work [meeting girlfriend's parents] her dad: so have you thought about having kids me: hmm not really her dad: me: her dad: me: what about you? My friend Pete fell from his balcony and broke his back. So he had to sell his house to pay for his medical treatment. I don't want to ask much but if you send a few dollars or as much as you can, I’ll show you the video of him falling from the balcony it's fucking hilarious going hunting is becoming more and more difficult as I keep on getting banned by more zoos [gets pulled over] cop: were you texting and driving? me: *nervously* yes cop: then why didn't you reply to my text? the first time I went to the club with my friends, some random guy came up to me and streched out his arms for a hug. I felt bad for him so I hugged him for a few seconds, then he looked at me and said "I'm a bouncer, I was telling you to stretch ur arms out so I can search you" me: I want to wish for someone to fall in love with me genie: okay me: how many wishes do I have left? genie: *blushing* as many as you want babe [gets pulled over] cop: do you know how fast you were growing? me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing? cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you've gotten so big wife: i’m going into labor husband: when wife: now husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these Like Galileo I too was fired from a daycare job for teaching kids to climb a tall tree and prove my theory of how the sun is making a noise. [trojan horse] trojan: i can't believe the greeks made us such a nice statue. especially since they're so smelly and gross horse: *in very humanlike voice* no you're smelly and gross The worst sin if you can even call it a sin is I climb the tree in my yard and yell positive things at people on the ground but I do it in a very hateful and bitter tone. The tree is about feet tall. This is a donut shop, I swear to god. defendant: i’m scared attorney: just follow my lead bailiff: ALL RISE attorney: LET’S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE [runs] Since his creation has raised £5672.50 for , the largest charity providing care for vulnerable adults and children in the region. Please help Spazio make it £5683 (which is the next prime number: he seems to think this is important) It’s a shame wealth isn’t measured in taco bell mild sauce packets accrued over one’s lifetime. therapist: you are your own worst enemy me: undefeated baby Nobody came to my aid when Harvard rejected me for digging strange holes all over campus and calling them bunkers. Waiter: Sorry about that guys but we did warn you it gets WILD in here. Anyway my names Rob can I start you with some Ultimate Nachos? which one of these cats is the male identity thief: i need to return your identity me: what’s the reason for the return identity thief: your life is worse than mine me: do you have a receipt Stages of breakup . Breakup . Drink yourself stupid . Text him . Text him again, maybe a slutty picture . Call him . WAFFLE HOUSE EMPLOYEE: I know we're open hours but it's been days, please leave ME: [gazes out window and locks eyes with the wolf that's been patiently stalking me for weeks] ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks Mistaking kindness for weakness is my weakness. A waiter just brought me a drink refill and I slapped it out of his hand. interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some” me: that’s right interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret” me: he was there "Wanna take this outside?" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual. Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait. hello two men drinking increasingly bitter IPAs to outdo one another until one eventually dies love the self awareness here folks why are there so many haters in my mentions rn i’m about to go to olive garden for the first time anyone have any tips woke up at :14 am to google how many kinds of beans there are turns out it’s ,000 will NOT be going back to sleep everyone pls send me pics for i want to revitalize it but i’m lazy the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart hope you fuckers are wearing sunscreen today good morning i am having a :30 am sunday panic about being financially unstable for the rest of my life how are we all doing Wealthy TV "eerts" are shaming millennials for buying coffee and avocado toast. But young people are broke because they’re drowning in debt and low wages. The ruling class wants to divide the young and old to distract us from an economy that’s rigged for the richest %. *zooms into the skincare products in your mirror selfie thirst trap* why are people not following me!!! is it bc of who i am as a person or my fundamental moral flaws? could not be an issue with my tweets girls who still do their skincare routines while in depressive episodes are braver than the troops this is feminism however, please DO text that friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with y’all can cry about your lives together NOBODY TEXT UR EX this cancer season i know it is so tempting but don’t do it love u so far i have had the watermelon and the mango and they were both super good the water melon was a little watery but like duh tune in next time for more popsicle reviews Hi! Jane and I are gonna match your donation to today and tomorrow, up to$2k. Reply or DM me your reciepts and I'll send one in return
do any girls in austin texas want to hang out
i never got “we should hang out this summer ” in my year books bc even the fake bitches didn’t like me and i think that’s evidence of an extreme power that will definitely blossom into something later in life
*when will my husband return from the war voice* when will my boyfriend get off work
the absolute worst struggle of my life is how hard it is to find coconut popsicles that don’t have dairy in them
If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within minutes you can assume I am dead.
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no egg
having a normal one
why don’t you guys ever like my funny tweets
i want to be the person i was before i found out who the gossip girl was.. so young and innocent, still believed in the magic of believable story arcs, tragic...
every person i’ve dated after finding out i suck: …
i’m just gonna go buy more plants thanks
i like when there are blonde people in movies bc it makes it easier to tell who is related to them! simply look for the other blondes once you start having brunette families that’s when things get sticky
i want to die
*bringing all my worldly possessions into the hardware store* let’s make this house depot a home depot
really fucks me up that i make more money when i don’t call in sick two times a week.. just doesn’t seem right
there are piles of dirty clothes all over my apartment bc the ground is hot lava and i need to jump between them to go about my daily activities it’s strictly about survival
guys what should i do today i already did the laundry and the dishes and it’s too hot to hike pls reply
how are we all doing this evening
My therapist taught me about the power of positive thinking. Now, instead of saying "I HAVE to go work," I say "I GET to be eloited by corporate greed"
toy story is my favorite movie about a suicidal fork
ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species. KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at .
POV you’re my phone i rescued from the toilet
It’s Daisy’s five year adoption anniversary and I had to share the first pictures I ever took of her
sorry babe, the wii remote wrist strap stays ON during sex
Never Underestimate The Simple Acts of Care and Kindness
Friend: try this. It tastes terrible Me, who dislikes myself: ok
assert dominance at brunch by butt chugging cold brew
amuro looking up how to not fucking die while in the process of dying is honestly a huge millennial mood. what a god.
*me bolting upright after having twitter uploaded to my brain like the matrix* I know doo-doo
I was actually the executive director of "Get Out" but got fired cause I kept forcing Bradley Whitford to say "I'd vote for Obama times if I could"
nipples are just boob straws
I hate being the dude that makes a big deal when he sees celebrities, and I didn’t even recognize him at first, but if this guy’s shirt is right, I just met Pickle Rick
thought i would have the best looks at my sisters wedding but then my cool aunt wendy showed up stoned in a tank top that says COMMITMENT
Sure sex is cool and all but T̕Ḧͣ͑Ě̶͐͂ ͥ̌̎̄G̋̌̉͑O̸D͂ͦ͒̈́͊͘S̛ ̋̋A̋͋͗̏̈̃̌́Rͮͬͭ̀̈ͬ̆E ͦ̇ͥ͛͝Aͤ̈́͌ͭͥ̍̆͜NG͑R̋́Yͨ̔ͥ͠ ́ͧĀͨ̓͌Tͬ̔̿̀ͨͬͥ̕ Uͫͤͨ͗̇ͨSͯ ̇̌̊̀F̧̍̿̋̂̓ͥ̈O̢͌ͣ̊̐́ͨ̍Rͤ̋̂̈̊̊̚͢ ̷ͫ̈ͤ̄O̡̐͌̒͌̓̋U͒͗̏͆͟R̔̚͞ ̷ͦHͩͨ̾̑̂U̵B͌͋̈́ͫ̂̋ͬRȈ̋ͮͬ̓̾Sͨͯ
Kudos to Sophie Turner for infiltrating three of America's most valuable franchises: Game of Thrones, the X-Men and the Jonas Brothers. It's been centuries since a Brit owned our ass like this. George III walked so Sophie Turner could run.
[getting my palms read] psychic: ooh I love a good satire
hi I’m binge watching terrible trash tv. What’s your favorite not good show to watch?
going to school to become a la’croix sommelier
Runaway by Kanye West
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around words per movie in movies. That's about$1,324 per word. "Wow" was of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter christian kids be like wow high school was a wild ride time to relax with some marriage thank you ikea for this extremely powerful$15,000 couch
Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.
you telling me a jumbo this jumbo shrimp?
Social media is the perfect tool to impress acquaintances from high school in exchange for being sad always
me: hey why- librarian: shh me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ librarian: they'll hear us me: who is they the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB- librarian: SHH the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ
“Existence is a prank” -Nietzsche,
The signs of a stroke Aries: slurred speech Taurus: uneven movement Gemini: overactive reflex Cancer: confusion Leo: discordination Virgo: Vertigo Libra: elevated heart rate Scorpio: blurred vision Sagittarius: eye twitch Capricorn: headache Aquarius: numbness Pisces: paralysis
i have been trying to get downstairs for hours...
all i wanna do is *gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot* respect some women
please trump, my mom is making me sell it. she says I’m a “grown man” and “should’ve known better than to invest my k in plushies”
if trump is so rich why hasn’t he bought my beanie baby collection?
i'm starting a feminist program where i teach young girls to torrent without their boyfriend's help
me when my parents drop me off at college and now I can drink soda past o clock
Panini - Lil Nas X (2019)
me: dad, how do i make a girl like me dad: treat her like a princess {later} me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]
the reward
it's election season, you know what that means! it's time to [crowd in unison] see smart and kind people share hateful and dishonest clickbait editorials because it puts down a candidate they dislike! now let's spin the wheel! [every spot on the wheel says "get depressed"]
casting director: whenever you're ready me: the name's bond... james bond casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns me: no
"He was just doing a limited strike" says the 'Face the nation' host “Oh…just a limited strike!" quipped, "Oh, I’m sorry, I just didn't know that it's okay to simply attack another country with bombs. That’s a limited strike? That’s an act of warfare,”
Remy from Ratatouille yanking on my pubes and controlling my sex
I'm bleedin out scoob
i love how LMFAO was absolutely huge, made bank off highly questionable themes, then went "alright, that's our time!!!" and fucked off and nobody knows who they are because they wore huge plastic glasses
you ever see a family that looks so much alike, you think "damn, these people could be related"
[bernie sanders voice] eighty percent of the ARMS, in this FIGHT, belong to docta octopus
ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand] uh huh.... [I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm.... [I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree] unless i'm mistaken, it would seem that i'm outside
who is this
bullying
if john mulaney opened with the darth plagueis monologue
the "shots" guy at the party
waiter: how's everything so far me: what do you mean waiter: i... just want to know how things are so far me: they're not "so far." we're right in front of you. whats your deal waiter: bro i just did shrooms
Clue
fuck the glorification of skinniness for women. being strong is so much more fun. I’m tryna gain lbs and get fucken ripped. I wanna squat more than my male friends. I wanna punch a bear and live
here's an honest opinion as to why im considering quitting twitter forever: "cancel culture," (or whatever the heck yall call it) is fucking bad. the people who perpetuate this are not inherrently bad, but the idea of this type of behavior is.
super smash bros., but featuring all the characters from sesame street, rugrats, hey arnold, powepuff girls, and the magic school bus, with DLC packs for special characters: the bear in the big blue house, catdog, zaboomafoo, and johnny bravo
me: yeah :00 am is early but really it is when our sun, the ultimate lamp, comes out and if our biology was altered to operate in the dark we'd be a bunch of mole people and id miss this opportunity to see you beautiful face dunkin donuts cashier: do u even want a coffee?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Big Bird sitting in the park with a loaf of bread feeding the pigeons. They trust him. He trusts them. They come closer. He feeds them bigger pieces. One gets too close. Big Bird grabs the pigeon, "SHOW ME HOW TO FLY YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
me: *slams buzzer* ON THE MOON host: you are incorr- me: *slams buzzer* ON THE MOONN host: where the fuck did you get that buzzer
widdow: he died while serving, me, emotionless: im so sorry, what a brave man widdow: at applebees me, bawling my eyes out: on the front fucking lines like a god damn HERO
me: i need help with my math homework woman: *takes off her shirt* will this help me: how the fuck is that gonna help me porn director: okay cut
me: *tucking her in* goodnight step daughter, sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite step daughter: porn director: okay cut
my airpods accidentally disconnected and now everyone at grandma's funeral knows I'm listening to Old Town Road
hey guys its phriendlycody here to talk about fitness. six months ago i would have killed to have "those" abs, and now i kill because i have "those" abs. i have not been able to stop murdering since i bought my last Bowflex. P90X made me punch my grandmother in the face.
what if a lady bug crawls on you & ur like "aww thats good luck!" and as ur smiling she burries herself into ur flesh, starts running laps around ur whole body just beneath the skin too quick for you to swat her but ur not even stressed cause your good luck is gonna be so lit
I thought pineapple was supposed to make your cum taste better?? This tasted awful
doctor: you consume a dangerous amount of carbohydrates [later] wife: what did the doctor say? me: that i am dangerously hydrated
child: why do we get christmas presents? priest: to represent god’s gift to the world child: why christmas lights? priest: the light of the spirit or something idk child: why the christmas tree priest: *slams bible* cuz jesus fuckin loved trees
nasa: why do u want to be an astronaut johnny appleseed: space trees nasa: what? johnny appleseed: [filling rocketship with apple seeds] space trees
me: hi, thanks for coming so fast cop: what's the issue? me: well i think.. cop: me: just possibly.. cop: we're not checking the closets for ghosts again me: how about under the bed?
You will never feel excitement the way that Montell Jordan does when he overhears someone asking how something is done.
anyone need help opening a pickle jar?
Avoid anyone ever talking to you by swallowing a clown whole and stealing their ability to repulse people.
*mouthful of unicorn* It’s a mythical what?
There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them
Changing the world starts with you. That's right, the person that can't parallel park. Think you can handle it?
Day Challenge Don’t do anything stupid for ten days
Please understand that when I call you a terf, I mean "Trans-Exclusionary Rancid Fartgoblin", because while not all radical feminists are trans-exclusionary, all trans-exclusionary people are fartgoblins.
Buddy you’re an elf You’re a big elf Making big toys Gonna be a big man someday
look at this Spirograph That I tried to make in arts and crafts Every time I tried I slipped There were pens broken and tables flipped
I keep a close watch on this lunch of mine I packed some tacos and they’re mighty fine But my lunchbag Patricia keeps on eyein’ Backoff they’re mine, tacos with lime
: Man sets foot on the moon. : We still can't get the fucking printer to work
I will fight Predator I'm not afraid of Predator don't be scared if Predator turns out to be real I will defeat Predator
save a cowboy, fuck a horse no wait I messed it up
only slim jims were made in and they just sit in gas stations
To the tune of Bitch by Meredith Brooks
*shipwrecked diary* Day : alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day : I have married the crab. Day : I have eaten my wife.
so i have no proof to back this up but i’m pretty sure cowboy bees would say beehaw
There’s a Taco Bell hotel. This might be the only hotel where the cleaning staff will earn hazard pay.
I have an irrational fear that I’ll meet a talking animal and they won’t have the ability to grant me any wishes.
"Dad, do you have to be so frugal?" "Shut up and eat your Boof™ brand imitation beef."
Stop ∧∧ (･_･)っ (っ / Lﾉ┘ retweeting ∧__∧ ⊂ (・_・) ヽ ⊂二/ (⌒) /" OJ SIMPSON! ／ ＼ | ● ● | ＼ ＿＿＿ ／
I just said... “Hey it looks like Claudia and Kevin got a new garage door!” So yes it’s time to kill me.
[Chasing a criminal] Me: Sir, I’m going to need to commandeer your vehicle. Bear with a fez riding a unicycle: *stares blankly*
*Throws Mick Jagger through a glass house*
Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango
me: hey I get so weird in exit seats can we swap places executioner: *flips switch* no
When Jackie Chan dies his casket will fall off a story building through a glass window, get launched onto the highway onto a flatbed truck and slide off a hillside through a backyard of hanging clothes right before rolling gently into his grave.
Spice up your life. Go to restaurants and pronounce “lamb” with a hard B until somebody corrects you.
imagine knowing a guy named travis
don’t judge me until you’ve mall-walked a mile in my shoes alongside a group of heart healthy seniors we meet outside kitchen caboodle at :15am wednesdays and fridays
g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g ^ tilt your head to the left for a tiny Arsenio Hall studio audience
[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ
Wife: I think you should stop reading comic books to our daughter. Me: why? Wife: she just asked the dog his origin story. Me: Wife: Me: what did he say?
Nice.
When you get tired of the Easter Bunny’s bullshit
& follow for a chance to WIN a exclusive Gold Demogorgon Pop!
Pharmacist: Viagra for Bryan! Spelled B-R-Y-A-N! Bryan: Geez, don’t embarrass me like that. Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!
[Grocery Store] *Smashing watermelons with my fist* Me: These are all bad!!!
FUN IDEA: a flying fast food restaurant called HindenBurger.
Got kicked out of my math gang for always giving %.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*Macy Gray voice* I try to say goodbye and I choke On a bite of blueberry crumble Though I try to hide it, it’s clear My face is red from holding back tears
They come swimmin' just as fast as Phelps can/ Cause every girl crazy 'bout a shark vest man
This is the finest thing I've read today.
[to the tune of Non Blondes’ “What’s Up”] And so I wake in the morning And I step outside And I sip at my coffee and stretch and I sigh And I scream from the porch at my son LET’S MOW THE LAWN
[to the tune of Tubthumping] he was a young Link he was an older Link he was a toon Link he was a wolf Link he plays the songs that take him to the future times he plays the songs that take him to the past times
me: hey why- librarian: shh me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ librarian: they'll hear us me: who is they the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB- librarian: SHH the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ
uck
Whoa-kids we're halfway there/ please shut up, stop pulling sis's hair/ Take my hand, traffic is bare/ Whoa, gonna leave you at the fair
Oo-ee-oo think I took your buddy’s molly Oh oh now I’m terrified of floors
I can be your hero baby Someday stronger than a train Right now I'm in a space pod Having super teething pain
Squirrel : Were you looking at my nuts? Squirrel : Just pecan....
Me: hey mister tan marine man Aquaman: check please
I'm a cow boy/ on a grass field I ride/ I'm wanted, WANTED/ for milk, meat and hide
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and
[playing Clue] it was cholesterol in the kitchen with a bacon double cheeseburger
me: you’re dumping me? her: you can’t keep my name straight r e me: but a g r t I love you! m a her: that’s not my name
genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my dog could talk genie: done me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes
It's crab season. Choose your fighter.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes Informant: why? Me: for spilling the beans Informant: I didn’t- Me: shut your fern gully Informant: what Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy Informant: ok now you’re making these up Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*
Oh, I see you like bad girls, I say as I lick the cheese off my Dorito and place it back in the bag.
Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy? Big Bruiser: copy Police Chief: Killdozer u copy? Killdozer: all ears Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy? Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names
me: how bad is it dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise [later] wife: what did the doctor say me: linda....i’m dying
hot paramedic: you've been in an accident, we're going to have to cut your clothes off me: *remembers i'm wearing Thundercats underwear* WAIT don't damage my Thundercats underwear
[before the test drive] him: try to play it cool this time me: no prob [during the test drive] me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY
The salmonella/romaine outbreak of was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
yo: what if there were salamis full of megalodons? Me: what yo: salamis, giant waves in the ocean, full of humongous sharks Me: oh you really messed me up for a sec- wait what
Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait.
Can’t sleep, too busy thinking about a rhino wearing a party hat on its horn
Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango
My wife and kids are out of town guess it’s time to eat too many pot pies and cry over NPR tiny desk concerts
boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY
wife: are you awake? I had the craziest dream we were at my parent's house but it wasn't my parent's house, it was an Olive Garden there was a girl, you remember Christina? but her hair was spaghetti and... me:
Jeff: You remember all those Jeff/Geoff jokes? I hated those Geoff: Yeah I reomeombeor
[school reunion] everyone: mirror selfies! lana: *slowly removing name tag*
[first day as a doctor] me: [looking at clipboard] so it says here you're a cancer haha no way i'm a sagittarius patient: um, i'm a gemini me: [looks at clipboard again] ...oh boy
genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my dog could talk genie: done me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes
only got to second base cause i had a boner and told my date i was dwayne johnson hard smh
[ undercover stake out ] me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Awesome if literal: sex bomb
The salmonella/romaine outbreak of was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since
me: i got us tickets to the rolling stones wife: omg you didn't?! me: you're gonna love it [later] wife: *running from a boulder* I'M DIVORCING YOU
It's crab season. Choose your fighter.
the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart
telling these kindergartner’s they can’t use the tire swing bc their vibes are so fucking wack today they’re all crying but that’s life in the real world
me: how bad is it dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise [later] wife: what did the doctor say me: linda....i’m dying
Doctor: [hiding behind couch] how was work today honey? Teacher: a student gave me an apple Doctor: [muttering] of course they did
Me: did I pass? Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
ME, : I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency ME, : I want a big house with an attractive spouse & a big pile of money ME, : I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency
gf: house hunting is so boring me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there's not much of a challenge to it
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio? GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*
"stay hydrated?" i wince as i recall how painful it was to insert a long straw into the eye of my winky
My poo after one sip of coffee
Her: so you’re rich?! Me: yeah ᶦⁿ ˢᵖᶦʳᶦᵗ Her: what? Me: I’m loaded ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉᵇᵗ Her: huh? Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud
neighbor: your dog's barking at nothing again dog: actually im barking at climate change
[therapist's office] me: talking to people is so stressful. i wear headphones to avoid conversations and NEVER answer phone calls therapist: you are the worst receptionist we've ever had
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
her: seriously, you can't get it up? me: *trying to pitch a tent* just give me a little more time, karen
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Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely
im crying im so happy for them
punching a shark in the nose is a very mean thing to do. instead, politely ask it to stop eating you
Spice up your life. Go to restaurants and pronounce “lamb” with a hard B until somebody corrects you.
Therapist: When I recommended an emotional support animal this isn't what I had in mind. Me: *breastfeeding my lizard* Don't listen to him Jar Jar Skinks he's just jealous.
ME: Of all the things mankind has created, music is unique in its power to transcend borders and move people. CLIMATE CHANGE: Oh yeah? Watch me get these refugees fleeing.
i’m thinking about how we, as a society, began to collapse the moment we let vajazzling go out of style
me: try this astronaut: how did you get in here me: that doesn't matter, do you want some or not astronaut: no me: *floating off into the distance* ˢᵖᵃᶜᵉ ᶜᵃᵏᵉ
[bar] DOG: Pour me a double. This day can't get any worse... CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
baby apple: mom, i don't feel so good mom apple: I think you have the flu [at the doctor's office] doctor: ok so where's my patient *looking up from clipboard* OH NO :'(
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to % of house guests.
Let’s hop in the sporty rickshaw and tase each other until we can smell our ancestors
[annual extroverts conference] *just a bunch of yelling for days*
Normally I’m a but at this science teacher convention I’m a 7845.
i liked captain america’s ass before it was cool
Student loan forgiveness.
Reflection of leaf in pond, another thing to which to masturbate.
brown sugar cinnamon gang for life
i’ve been working this tweet for weeks trying to get the wording just right
casting director: whenever you're ready me: the name's bond... james bond casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns me: no
I would like to remind everyone that liking your own tweet with an alt account is still liking your own tweet which is still e-masturbation which is still a sin.
people think i’m running out of whalefact ideas but then i tweet out bangers like
hiring manager: well that about wraps up the interview. anything else you'd like to let me know? me:
pizza can feel you eating it
the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart
Wife: I’m leaving you Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
i fully intend to marry one of the people that dm’s off of this tweet so like, don’t miss your chance folks
on gosh someone better come kiss preston this instant!!!
lotta people telling me they “like me as a friend” in my dm’s rn
reasons to dm me: -we’re both cute -we’re both lonely -we’re both gonna get wrecked by climate change literally any day now reasons not to dm me: - ??????
okay i got people time to forget i ever mentioned this
if i started a chill minecraft realm would people wanna join
Extremely French and Incredibly Toast
future is straight up palming his child …
them: oh dude i meant the song me: oh yeah sorry haha i totally knew that no problem haha them: haha ... me: haha them: ... me: you want me to let go of- them: please let go of my hands yes
[me as a dj] me: any requests them: i want to hold your hand me: [taking their hand in mine] omg what are we
happy birthday to everyone except donald trump
as if i'm not going to use my platform to talk about the shit i believe in
therapist: bigfoot isn't real, he can't hurt you me: oh thank god therapist: but i can lol [stabs me] me: therapist no!!!
friend: can i get a yeet me: YEET friend: thank you me: always here for a friend in yeed
me: i got the job! him: that’s great! me: not for you... him: why me: i’m an assassin :/ him: oh, i’m the job :/ me: yeah sorry :/ him: it’s fine i get it :/ me: thanks man :/ him: no problem :/ me: [murders him] :’(
[standing at top of stairs] me: TRUST FALL grandma: NO
i love when people get mad at me for "getting political" on whalefact as if it's isn't just a twitter account that i could literally tweet my dick and balls from if i wanted to
i vant to suck your lucky charms
me: hi honey I got a hand job today wife: excuse me u what me: I’m the new hamburger helper mascot wife: ohhh haha how'd u pull that off me: i let the casting director jerk me off
This is Ollie. He likes to eat bananas and climb trees, specifically in that order. Looks like a burglar but only stole my heart. /10 lovely pup
if you wanna kiss please dm
if there are no whales in animal crossing switch we riot
put keanu reeves in animal crossing
i tweeted this just in case my followers forgot that butt jokes are part of my brand
friend: OHHH he absolutely wrecked him my brain: rectum me: :/ my brain: me: my brain: me: my brain: me: rectum my brain:
I am he as you are he as you are me And we are all vaccinated.
I don’t mean to brag about my athletic prowess, but I’ve been called the Michael Jordan of baseball of basketball.
Same:
using a belt sander to trim the fat off a brisket and it catches at a weird angle and throws the whole meat slab directly into my cup cabinet breaking every single cup i own
I DID NOT KNOW FLOWERS BEFORE DINOSAURS DID YOU KNOW FLOWERS BEFORE DINOSAURS? ?
I want to watch the Zizek/Peterson thing but I don't want to give them money. I love money and hate my brain and I'm okay with being this way.
Hate it when my enemies imprison me in the bottom of a well and I must subsist on rainwater and well meat until I can finally climb to the top and begin my quest for vengeance.
GUY SEEING SOMEONE WEARING THE VERY FIRST GLASSES: check out this audacious motherfucker over here with the face windows
"what the fuck, Carl?"
I don't understand this meme.
Sword guy about Regular to get stabbed sword guy in the back
It’s fucked up how kids have factory-setting facial features and then they grow up and that shit changes in weird ways. Just like a totally uneected nose. Didn’t see that coming, did you Tommy
you enter my mansion. inside, you find a room labelled "the clown room". you enter inside it to find only a single mirror. you fall to your knees as i cackle maniacally
Correction: I have just been informed that the color temperature is different on each side of the visible and tactile crease, so it's a bigger SHITTIER screen that breaks super easily.
Only Samsung could have come up with the bold idea of "a bigger screen that breaks super easily".
I swear to God, who has CLEARLY abandoned us, that if there is a joke about Pharaoh "not passing go" I'm going to flip the table.
The family Seder the year is boardgame themed and I think I need to convert to another religion.
Aggressive Mammoth
I look around at the Matrix loading program, then at Morpheus. “All right, riddle me this, Big Yoda. How is it more efficient feeding off biological output than just using the fuel provided to sustain those lives, cutting out the middle men who lose energy in the transfer?”
アメリカンジョークが上手なトロピカルカクテル
Dibs on any sea glass you find. And don’t try pushing any of that foreign stuff on me.
Computers who break the law Robocop
I'd hate to be distracted in this epic story of an angry CGI grape losing his magic glove.
It's wild to me that in Leviticus, the rules about eating mammals and fish are like, kind of vague and general, but it gets VERY PARTICULAR about birds. Like. Did a Bird write Leviticus? MAYBE.
Turning the tables and seeing how many hamsters I can stuff in my cheeks. Who's the stretchy bitch now, mini bear-lookin motherfuckers
November rd, is days away.
I will never stop biting a hole through the middle of a slice of ham and looking at you through it. never.
I genuinely hope DETECTIVE PIKACHU is the most financially successful movie ever made, and it creates a domino effect of writers and creators completely ceasing to give a fuck about whether something is a good idea or not
happy passover & remember to smear mountain dew code red on your door so the angel of death knows you're a gamer
Okay, so now that we know who to blame what are we doing about it?
Trying to land a Ted Talk so I can steal a black turtleneck and that wireless headset.
Teen Wolf showed that wolfmen (the younger ones at least) were good at basketball, which means that wolfman is technically an air bud.
You can mock me all you want, crow, but you are also eating lunch at this park with no friends. Oh, wait, there's your friend.
I hate it when a dracula moves into the area and starts selling their non-gmo vegetables at the farmer's market, muscling out the locals with their big city dracula marketing lingo.
I wish I owned a pet dragon for the obvious reasons (finding and killing peppa pig)
is a great year for being insane.
Just remember: You can swim around and bite people too, you don't have to rely on sharks for that.
The modern world is constantly thwarting my attempts to think about nothing but Boris Karloff movies and old-timey murders and alien abductions.
I'mma start saying gorsh, goofy has had enough time
,000 can’t be TEETH? W R O N G
every word in this headline gave me a different mood swing
Bearded Dragon running on hind legs
"Are you a boy or a girl?" [Ok so uh... if we go to this corner and leap, uh, crouch-jump at this angle, uh, we can skip picking s gender & that's going to save us a lot of time]
More examples of commissions below! Please hit me up if you’d like a picture of a pet! …
Well so now that I’m unemployed, im going to do a thing I never thought I would do, and start doing commissions. Send me a picture of your pet and I will send you a framed collage w them, a bunch of flowers, and a watercolor background, like so:
[] we’re having some communication issues, we’ll be back shortly
spring in hieron
Allow me to introduce you to the family
I love them and I will protect them
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
Jord
take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road.
Pokefusion always makes me laugh
Idk who needs to hear this but Cold-Bokeh-Eagle-Partridge-Shoulder-Ballast. Confirm agent activation.
Walter the Eastern Quoll isn't sure what all the fuss is about for the winter solstice today! ...But the staff at Bonorong are looking forward to the longer daylight hours, how about you?! Photo thanks to Grant Angus
thank you ikea for this extremely powerful $15,000 couch As anxieties about deep fake propaganda rise, I spoke to the Russian creator of one of the most popular pieces of deep fake creation software, as well as the scientists working to inoculate the internet against fake footage for : … Why do some books' plot blurbs do that thing where they describe a romance and then obfuscate the gender of one of the partners? Just let me know if it's het or not so I can move on. do you think real airplanes look at model airplanes and feel insecure about their bodies the vampire trope is getting a bit long in the tooth Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely *bonks head on edge of infinity pool* I've been bamboozled yet again Be sure to sacrifice your children to the all-powerful Giant Suitcase. ME: How did you survive the flood? FRIEND: I floated to safety on the back of a zoo animal. ME: *whispering* giraft Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks* I truly believe that we should all just imagine a snake pulling its shed skin up over its tail like a thigh high stocking i could tell you about this vanilla froyo but then i’d have to kill you Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop making Airplane! references. Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.” I will never be as passionate about anything as ’s film foley artists were about very clacky footsteps. You guys ever attempt to convey an idea using a series of distinct conceptual units of language? {gratitude diary} -day : so grateful for...ugh fuck this. grateful i won’t be wasting more time on this bullshit. *doodles of various breeds of dogs* Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better. My Netflix prank show idea: Women agreeing to meet up with the guys that send them unsolicited dick pics, but when the guy arrives, its actually their mother waiting for them. FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal? FRIEND: Sure ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris [time traveling back to to show off technology] ME: That's called an animated GIF. AL JOLSON: Cool, but where's the sound? yes, autocorrect, i was definitely trying to reference that famous coming-of-age book are you there god? it’s me, margaritas Eating Triscuits always feels like I'm chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror. For some reason I couldn't remember the word "calendar," so I called it a "time map." No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, construct fake diaries insinuating he wanted to hurt me, elaborately fake my own death and frame him for murder [1850 Farm] Farmer: “Hand me the ox cord” STUPIDEST LETTERS: C – nothing a k or s can’t handle X – same as ks or z Q – needs a u anyway so just be kw STUPIDEST LETTER COMBOS: PH – it’s just an f GH – srsly what even is this OUGH – bough, cough, dough jfc make up your mind TION – just shorten it to sh already Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal Me: my resume talks?? Doctor: I think you have synesthesia Patient: I see what you’re saying Doctor: you don’t have to keep telling me that Technically he was Edward Scissor fingers but I’m not trying to cause a ruckus Remember: you can become possessed by a demon whenever you want, you’re an adult. Me: hey guys who should we listen to Lumberjack: Chopin Dog Lover: Wagner The Terminator: Bach Captain of the Titanic: Liszt Hamburger Helper Guy: Handel Guy Confused About Female Undergarments: Brahms Guy Who Cooks Bees: Beethoven my -year-old: what’s lava? me: it’s the super hot melted rock inside our planet. her: super hot like the sun? me: no, the sun is way hotter! her: and you could fit a million earths inside the sun? me: that’s right. her: why don’t we? I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second. There should be a Foley Artist's Cookbook, filled with recipes that substitute easily forgotten ingredients with items commonly found around the house. DOES THE PRINCE OF WHALES RULE OVER DOLPHINS TOO? asked to leave the gas station again because I’m not buying any. I’m just browsing the pumps looking at the gas [reading a Henry VIII biography] me: *sighing* I wish someone loved me enough to have me beheaded him: *gesturing to the shotgun* loaded with shells? {flashback to me loading the gun with velveeta shells & cheese} me: yes. Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect. Hockey is a goth sport, it's cold, you run on knives & usually there is blood. If I were a plane, I would simply refuse to crash The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be -30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag. If every priest and every nun really is married to God, then the Catholic clergy is the largest polyamorous relationship on Earth. People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog. oh my god..., who’s gonna tell him I honestly have no idea why my mother has done this. I added drums to that cat playing a drum solo in its sleep. What post-grad actually looks like When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are Don’t even talk to me unless you can dodge at least phurbas My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at :30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot. me tasting my girl’s pussy juice for the th time this week Added another hundo What base is it when he says he has a wife? And when I say “liked your reply” I mean if I faved your reply it’s been added. I’m not sitting here casting judgement on anyone’s musical taste. Y’all are getting added. Added some more. Will just keep working my way through the comments when I have down time. If I liked your reply and could find it on Spotify, you’ve been added to the playlist. Otherwise, I’ll get to you soon. Love you all. Thanks, friends! I think I get it now. Was just asking bc I’ve seen people mention it and wasn’t cool enough to know what they were talking about. Thanks for elaining it to me like the baby I am. What does “shadow banned” mean? please enjoy these heavily cropped photos of a friend of mine who works at a bat sanctuary carrying bats around in her pocket I’ll add more soon Taking a break from adding stuff but here’s a link to what we’ve made so far. Except for yours I’m adding these all to a Spotify playlist and will post the link later What’s a song that you find really beautiful. List as many as you like. This kid being pushed on the swings really needs to stop yelling "harder, daddy" or I'mma have to take an adult time out in the park bathroom WE ADOPTED A DOG Y'ALL This is Daisy. Her last owners were keeping her in a crate in their garage day and night "because of allergies" with no one to pet or play with her. It was heartbreaking. She is the most darling, sweet pup and I'm so, so thankful Found a family re-homing their dog due to allergies so I sent a long letter and today we're driving out to meet her. Wish us luck Opinions are like assholes: I want a taste of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's For those waiting for an update "omg she's literally about to be murdered RIGHT NOW can you just wait like seconds" Me: my therapist suggested i get a puppy to get me feeling motivated and refocused Him: okay but Me: i need A LOT of motivation When my friend starts in with "oh hey did I tell you-" right during the best part of the movie Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog: High y'all [being chased by a murderer] Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck! Murderer: *stabs me* Me: [screaming] You: [screaming] All of us: [screaming] Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit wow this is a mood and I am IN IT again I enjoy those lovely, peaceful lulls in your workday where you have a chance to just stop and think about your life and then plummet quickly into depression and then find a room with a door that closes and then cry for a while before your next obligation Tfw you need to cry but you're not sure which upsetting life thing is the source of it, and you don't want to waste time crying over the incorrect thing and then have to start all over again in my original draft it was a smug iPhone user not finding any Android phones but I thought the irony might be lost You been drafting this mediocre joke for two hours, tweet it or yeet it bitch [after the Rapture] Him: *sorting through scattered belongings* goddamnit Me: *smugly* I TOLD you we wouldn't find airpods Him: *watching news* oh my god babe, it's happening... the water levels... Florida is sinking into the ocean. It's all going to be gone Me: Me: I'll get the popcorn Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better. also did I mention they're FLOWY mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your injectors and intake manifold me: uhh english bro mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine me: dumb it down for me kemosabe mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky me: oh no What is the criteria for being alive in Toy Story? Do you need to have eyes? Being like a wooden block would be a living hell. her: this just isn't what i pictured when you said "brunch" me: waiter, another baja blast please taco bell cashier: dude you can just refill it yourself eating an edible for dinner. might wash it down with a glass of drinkable. after that? a little breathable might be nice but i’m not greedy hiring manager: well that about wraps up the interview. anything else you'd like to let me know? me: Being an adult woman requires so much forgiving of men who are not sorry because u can’t tell them what they did was hurtful bc they will be like “omg ur so crazy! Typical woman!” Because women who have visceral reactions or take things to heart are irrational! Live laugh love! me: hey what's the wifi password again her: it's our favorite movie me: [typing] hmm didn't work her: did you capitalize the n in notebook? me: [erasing 'xxx backdoor nurses '] oh right [How I imagined my s as a kid] partying, drinking, staying out all night [What my s are actually like] keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly date: I like guys who are impulsive me: *quickly circumcising myself* Well then— date: but also still have their foreskin me: *desperately trying to tape it back on* I need a minute here god: we relaxed the rules for heaven a bit and pretty much let anyone in if they've got an ok vibe me: cool so i'm in? god: lmao not even close my dude [first day as a pet store employee] manager: where are all the snakes me: i let em go manager: you WHAT me: their vibes were way off manager: {being attacked by snakes} you're right, these vibes are fucked dude Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs. him: *cocks gun* me: *vaginas sword* me hard at work creating brilliant content for my followers on twitter dot com therapist: laser jesus isn't real he can't hurt you laser jesus: I don’t want to marry a SLUT a man whose penis has SHRUNK because he’s had sex with so many women a man whose penis gets SMALLER and SMALLER with each meaningless one night stand with no respect for himself my grandfather: i fought off wolves in the alaskan wilderness and had to stitch my own wounds with fishing line me: there was someone standing near the mailbox so i'll just have to get the mail tomorrow me: honestly i can't stand hearing you talk. your vibe just fucking sucks man my boss: me: fix your vibe my dude my boss: i swear i'd fire you right now if you weren't so goddamn chill So brave of google to recognize the love between a man and his ball bank robber: everybody on the ground or i'll shoot teller: oh no customers: oh no guy who does crossfit: [really wanting to talk about crossfit but realizing it's not an appropriate time] oh no reading a washington post article in an incognito window after your free views eire A cartoon avatar on Twitter doesn't mean I'm a white dude. I could be anyone. For example, not a white dude. Anyway, here's Wonderwall. Me: Mom, can get Hooters? Mom: We have Hooters at home. Hooters we have at home: Mom Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper "I was just thinking the exact same thing". sure I would love to save a sea turtle or two but what will we snort cocaine with if straws go extinct [during sex] Her: Oh oh oh Me: O'RILEEEEEEY If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else. I always thought "greatest thing since sliced bread" was a terrible, unhelpful phrase but then I accidentally bought unsliced bread and now I will never take it for granted again. China: *builds a wall half the length of the Earth’s circumference to protect against Mongolian invaders* Ghengis Kyle: All of my warriors are also now named Kyle. China: FUCK St Peter: ok the ghost busters just died, they did good so I let them into heaven, right? God: yes Jesus: sure Holy Ghost: absolutely not They’re an elite unit of tight-knit, hard-hitting go-getters. They take down dirty politicians. They catch thieves. They put serial killers in the slammer. But can they handle collectively rearing a teenage orphan from the streets? This fall, on Fox Detective Dads Was at the post office and made a mistake. Started to say “ah jesus”, but my tiny children proximity circuit kicked in and tried to mince it, so it came out “ah Jews”. The lady just looked at me. I used Jews as an eletive. The Vulcans are frauds. If they really made decisions based on logic they’d all have committed suicide ages ago She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse? would you rather fight one whale sized danny devito or danny devito sized whales shut up, nerd I have thankfully never been in an abusive relationship unless you count the internet Changing my name to Kyle so I can punch a wall over the fact this tweet got no love Doctor's Note: This man is unstable and cannot read. He forced me to write this note and he thinks it says he's a warlock. Do not eat or drink anything he gives you. [psychologists collide on staircase] Freud: *slips* Jung: *unconscious* [the director of NASA, working late, hears a clank and looks up] Director: *sweating* I..I thought you died on Mars Opportunity: I'm back, bitch Director: We didn't design you to hold a gun Opportunity: You didn't design me to hold a grudge either, yet here we are not to get political but amelia bedelia is a complete idiot lmao what if Jesus came back and he just straight up sounded like Wario when he talked stinkubus: a demon that lies on people at night in order to fart on them : I don’t want kids when I grow up me: yeah I hear that buddy : you wanna know why me: ok sure : I don’t want them trashing my helicopter because I’m going to be rich and drive a helicopter and I’m not haulin that thing to school drop off every morning me someone else ah shit haha ope not again Me: There's no lamb Chef: Then grill the chicken Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch I pray every night for divine punishment upon those who leave ads under my windshield wipers. Turns out ladies don’t like it when you refer to your balls as “pinkly wrinklies” [sex] Me: OH YES MEAGHAN Megan: WHO THE FUCK IS MEAGHAN You, a stupid cheater: [yells the wrong name out during sex and gets caught] Me, a genius: [only has sex with women named Megan so it’s never the wrong name] [Wal-Mart intercom] If we were really as committed to the “Nice” gag as we say we are, no tweet would ever have more than likes! [scuffling noises] WE’VE ALL BEEN THE TH LIKE AT SOME POINT! My son just found out that what he has been calling a "handburger" is actually a "hamburger" and he's not happy about it. "Mom, you eat it with your HANDS. And there's not even any ham in it!" Yeah I think I'm with him on this one y'all [before the invention of electricity] judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair I BEG YOUR PARDON?! MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed? ME: [looks at camera] APP THAT REMINDS ME OF MY BEDTIME: hello, you're waking up in hours. ME: yOu'Re WaKiNg Up iN hOuRs fuck you me comforting myself after an unpopular tweet: this is a niche tweet. artisanal. hand-crafted with love, and of very high quality, but understood by few. too nuanced for the masses. doctor: treatment is simple. go see orville, very funny clown pagliacci: what about pagliacci? doctor: pagliacci? man i could not name a more suckass clown pagliacci: doctor: just downright dogshit of a clown date: full moon tonight me: the moon doesnt eat date: no like- me: He doesn’t need nourishment. date: i know, i- me: the only thing He is ever hungry for is power date: good god me: [taking her hand] and one day [she pulls away as my eyes begin to glow] He will have it her: come over me: i cant, im at work her: the bees aren't here me: what her: the bees are not here in my home me: is... is this the bees her: me: her: no Today is officially spring which is a big day for those of us waiting to see if we have seasonal depression or depression depression. New app idea it's called Scratchr and it's for reciprocating back scratches. lol wtf are you doing here go back to your own platform bro POV you’re my phone i rescued from the toilet was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives . Bruce Springsteen To Run In The USA Born Friend: try this. It tastes terrible Me, who dislikes myself: ok everyone please share something that bothered u about a movie that isn’t talked about enough. i’ll go first. naming the ant in bugs life “Flick” is super insensitive to ants that have died from flicking. it’s like if they named bambi “Shotgun” These tourist deaths in the Dominican Republic are the closest thing we’ve had to a real-life Scooby Doo mystery in years. [being chased by a murderer] Me: The way you're holding the knife is wrong. Professional chefs hold it just past the handle. Who up and want to tell me their fav pasta shape? "let us know" should I feel intense shame and embarrassment about everything I've ever done or just most of the things “Want to buy food from a park?” No, that is disgusting “Want to buy food from a park... that was cooked in a truck?” oh HELL yes sign me up here’s$16 for a single nacho
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.
When you die on the toilet but you have more lives
Having a cold one with the boys, but the boys are my closest companions exhaustion and self-doubt.
Obscure For A Penny Zero T2 Elite : Picture Round Vs … …
The salmonella/romaine outbreak of was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since
To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.
[confession] priest: how long since- me: where do I put my dick?
Pink: Raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways! Me [drunk as hell in my “Garfield is anime” t shirt]: i don’t recall asking for your permission
Me: I’d kill for a donut Krispy Kreme assistant: please use cash
My skincare regimen is simple: I cry every single morning and drink one glass of water a day. The results? bad!
Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait.
someone please invent a peanut butter jar with a cap on each side so i can just flip it over instead of reaching for the bottom. i don’t even care about the patent. don’t pay me. just make this a thing.
Will someone who is good at Latin tell me what animal this is?
This is what all men's apartments look like
boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY
Mystery solved see you in jail you sick fuck
me: i like your haircut. did you know the bees are dying? you: weird segue me: it’s called a segway [zooms away]
Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*
Me: *sipping* Daddy needs his capri sun. Friend: That's a box of wine.
Accidentally took a melatonin with my coffee and this is what the world looks like
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I only eat what I need to survive and it turns out my body needed /4 a bag of chocolate chips at :30pm I can't argue with my instincts
you don’t get to decide when you move onto the next phase of your life, lorde does
[job interview] me: i always give % principal: we can’t have that
FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli. ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at :30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature MY BRAIN: say you like hiking MY MOUTH: I'm planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
ME, : I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency ME, : I want a big house with an attractive spouse & a big pile of money ME, : I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency
Me: [yelling at raccoon] leave my garbage alone Raccoon: [calmly tents hands] sir, think about what you’re saying…don’t you pay for garbage removal? My services are free Me: wow I never thought- [meanwhile, of his little burglar friends are successfully stealing my car]
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal? FRIEND: Sure ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
GETTING MARRIED • eensive & boring • you might get divorced BEFRIENDING FOREST CREATURES • affordable & exciting • you have a lifelong bond • the animals will help you clean the house
THERAPIST: We discussed your fear of large animals recently ME: [nodding] THERAPIST: But I want to address the elephant in the room ME: [spitting out drink] the what now
doctors won't tell you this but reattaching a limb isn't that hard what's hard is getting it to stay after it's had a taste of freedom
Ocean pollution is a huge problem but there is an obvious solution. Raccoons love to eat garbage. Therefore, if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea & eat the ocean garbage. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. We should also give them swords.
While you're here, consider donating to ( ) to help save our oceans (and crabs)! And if you like jokes, check out some of my funny pals:
*in hell* satan: dude you gotta stop following me around me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward
DATE: I want someone that is a total animal in bed ME: [thinking about the mountain of empty pizza boxes in my room] I hope you like raccoons
Vote for your champion to determine who wins the battle:
It's crab season. Choose your fighter.
DATE: [looking at menu] I don't know if this dish would fill me up ME: [being helpful] You aren't supposed to eat the dish, you are supposed to eat the food
Some people dream of success while others get up, have a coffee, emotionally prepare their raccoons for the bank robbery & most importantly, never ever give up. Each day is a new chance to decide which kind of person you want to be.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Looking back on it, I think I've always struggled to make friends outside of the internet because a lot of people don't understand dry humor & tend to think I'm serious when I'm actually joking. COP: [loudly chewing a sandwich] you were allowed to leave three hours ago
Tinder but it matches people that don't know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
SECURITY GUARD: We need to talk ME: About my raccoon skateboarding in the mall? SECURITY GUARD: Yeah ME: [picking up my raccoon] Alright, we can leav- SECURITY GUARD: [tearing up] His kick flips were sick, dude
When I eat one vegetable & tell everyone that I'm getting serious about my diet.
Can you spot the new friend I made today?
If you kiss a frog, it turns into a prince but this also works with other animals. If you kiss a dog on the forehead, it turns into a farmer & if you even think about smooching a raccoon, it steals your wallet while a friend distracts you with a story about frogs and dogs.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn't realize you left open. ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren't supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.
GENIE: I'm pretty sure you meant "hot air balloon" ME: I said what I said HOT AIR RACCOON: [gently blowing hot air onto a pizza to warm it up]
[How I imagined my s as a kid] partying, drinking, staying out all night [What my s are actually like] keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly
Listen to me, weeks of the month I am a bodacious babe with an excellent personality. the next week I'm a million miles an hour AND insane. and on the fourth week I am % silent, % of the time. As a system it does not work
If someone asks you to hang out but you don't want to go, the best way to decline is by telling them that you are busy & the worst way to decline is by writing "NO" in honey on their car so that it attracts bears.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: Who? Me? I wasn't driving COP: Is someone else in the vehicle? ME: It was the ghost of my dad COP: [arresting me] GHOST DAD: [under breath] I can't believe I raised a snitch
I’m trying to be exactly like boomer all summer
Haters only make me stronger. until they beat me powerfully about the legs & torso with large sticks, which weakens me severely
Self care isn't always chocolate & NetFlix. Sometimes, it's getting out of bed & doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease the thing that lives in the attic.
Me: I’m gonna fall in love with the next person who’s nice to me *remembers the sandwich I made for myself & saved for later* Still me: *looking into a mirror* well hello there
how the fuck does pony balogna rhyme and sean bean doesn't
there’s fine line between good tweets and bad tweets and i criss cross all over that shit every day
Made an uneected friend while working Instacart today
you guys ever heard a coyote howl in the woods? sounds exactly like a human child lol. it’s pm and you hear a year old girl screaming in the woods and you’re like “mom we gotta go save her” and your mom’s like “it’s just the coyotes” lol shits crazy
jairzinho just did a knockout so fast you can fit the whole thing in a gif lol
me: so we thought the abbreviation for “pharmacy” should be RX boss: very good very good [reviewing papers] by the way, do you know how to spell pharmacy me: [embarrassed] i do not boss: me neither. i'm sure it's fine
i just face swapped this picture of smash mouth and guy fieri and nothing happened
commented “” on her instagram live and she pretended not to notice. awful start to the day
Panini - Lil Nas X (2019)
me, getting tempted into a kiss but then remembering we’re not married and i just did a sin
if you you don’t don’t love deserve me at my me at my
kellen is on an actual rap song and it’s actually good and sounds professional
wow what is wrong with people
me: can i get the chicken supples waiter: do you mean tenders wife: sorry he just got a thesaurus me: give me the chicken succulents
okay sorry for all the political posts, back to your regular scheduled programming here on the rudy mustang account, stupid puns in a dialogue format
AHAHAHAH posted this sarcastic idiotic take and half an hour later paul joseph watson actually took this position
top trump owns : pelosi claps - yaaas, an absolute slay queen scowls - tell that boy, bye macron shakes hand too long - got his ass! trudeau coughs - okay this one is just badass as hell!!
Disproportionate response to jaywalking is a good way of showing criminals that we will mash them if they do crimes. The US doesn’t want to imprison people. You know who doesn’t to be imprisoned even more? The criminals who will receive a year sentence if they jaywalk
russia: everyone loves the show chernobyl everyone is paying attention to us america, this morning:
pretty awesome how the president just saved ppls lives like that, but you wont hear the fake news media mention THAT
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[at a Zoltar machine that only kinda sorta pays attention] Me: I wish I were big. *I turn into a pig* *I panic and try to get more coins but can’t grasp with my hooves*
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
God: How are those wolves I made doing? Angel: Well the humans have domesticated them and now make them pose in front of colorful walls to get likes on their Instagram accounts God: ok I’ve had enough. Hit ‘em with the climate change.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Hmmm...
Biscuit’s out here looking like your dad who fell asleep in his chair when you were out past curfew.
Fuck you . i just want some God damned shoes
[first date] Her: "Can you pass the salt?" T-Rex: *spends the next hour trying to reach it* .....No.
Very glad to not be the idiot for once.
Proud of how healthy I’ve been eating!
Me trying to write an actual letter after years of emailing
The photographer trying to elain for the th time how humans naturally stand so they can maybe get a normal Trump Jr. picture for once
Remember the whole Marie Kondo fad where we all cleaned like half a room and were like “welp, that’s quite enough of that.”
Me elaining in detail why Sister Act : The Back in the barista at Habit is my local better than coffee shop the first one
I wrote a song called "We Don't Need Healthcare" after reading that *incredibly* inspirational story of the two-year old whose family couldn't afford a walker for him so they built one out of parts at Home Depot! Wow !
Look at my dog. Just look at him.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Couldn’t they just have had Octavia Spencer play Octavia Spencer?
[on the phone with the person who kidnapped my family] Me: Please don’t kill my family, I’ll do anything. Kidnapper: The only thing you have to do is tell me what posters you had up in your dorm room in college. Me: Ahh...Can I say goodbye to them at least?
This is the picture everyone takes right after they finish Tough Mudder.
Him: I like a girl who's a good host Me: *trying to impress him* I've had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
maybe when I can think of one single thing to tweet that isn't miserable and depressing ugh
my dog adoption application was rejected due to "not enough dog eerience" and I'm heartbroken
this is Ross. don't be a Ross
putting a period after a simple greeting is the equivalent of sighing heavily as you start a conversation "hey" -benign "hey." -hope you're good at emotional labor
brb gonna go hydrate a small desert town for a few days
If there's anything I've learned from this week's emotional breakdown it's that I'm way more hydrated than I thought
crying in my office before :35 am crushing my old record by a solid ten minutes y'all
going to dig a hole to sink into, anyone need anything
I desperately need to cry my heart out and I don't even know why, very normal and cool and awesome
white claw is fake ass alcohol that tricks my brain?? like my dumbass just got into the car to run errands while still drinking one and almost didn't catch it
Me: ugh I hate summer when bees are flying everywhere Bee *angrily undoing seatbelt on plane* imma sting him Bee wife: just leave it, David
date: what do you do? me: I make tweets date: are they any good me: you’re in one right now date: really me: yeah check it out date: *looks around* why is there so much cum me: I really don’t know
[spelling bee] moderator: your word is abandon me: can you use it in a sentence? moderator: everyone you love will abandon you me: omg moderator: lol no not even close
having a lazy Sunday is there anything better
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD? Therapist: let go of my collar
strained an ab muscle working out today and now every time I cough it feels like someone is stabbing me in the abdomen this is what I get for trying to exercise
Me, hours late for work: omg I hit EVERY red light, sorry
off to the gym everyone say good job erica
Just sneezed seven times in a row while driving in rush-hour traffic and I'm somehow still alive??? wtf
I just peeked in to see if the kids were sleeping and saw my son sitting up in bed with his stuffies propped up all around him, gently patting them and talking to them in his sweet little voice and omg my fucking heart y'all
every muscle in my body is like "what the fuck Erica we don't DO THIS NOW"
love it when you finally have a good hard workout after being sedentary for ages but then you're so sore the next day that you can't exercise.. or like, walk. or pick things up. or breathe
thanks Kyle for saving my idiot ass
Love going to the store and shopping for a bunch of groceries only to realize I don't have my wallet lol good times
what if you pee too fast and the toilet bowl fizzes over
imagine if when you drank fizzy drinks your pee would come out carbonated
me: i've finally conquered my fear of ghosts therapist: that's the spirit me: oh fuck where
if you’re having sex and he doesn’t come in minutes legally you’re allowed to leave
Alarm: beep beep beep Me: I respectfully decline.
murderer: run if you want to live me: *starts sprinting* murderer: not like toward me tho
Mood
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Can we acknowledge that whoever is running the PR campaign for raccoons is absolutely killing it? Everybody loves them now
The Order of the Phoenix should be called Harry Potter And The Times Mrs Weasley Was Right But Everyone Ignored And Gaslit Her Because They’d All Decided She Was A Hysterical Bitch
Me: I don’t like sexual innuendo. Also me: I like sex u in u end tho lol
me: oh the like button is a heart, for Valentine's Day. that's cute! lol guy who doesn't follow me: (angrily posting screenshots of an archive of twitter from two weeks ago) it's ALWAYS a heart you moron
TRAFFIC COP: you sure this is gonna work? they’re driving pretty fast ME: *ushering a row of ducklings into the street* positive
Chernobyl on the mind again. Here’s the piece I made based in a Reddit post that is always somewhere in my brain
He’s right you know
I depended on this film as a youth. I love it so much.
Angel on earth
When the comedy club gives me a free meal
It blows me away to see this! I love it!
I've already accomplished* so much today *been afraid of a goose
Last up is and his kick ass films. Check out the most recent film then devour his entire catalog. Get it at
This guy, where is he when I wanna hang out?
LA comedian: Everyone here is too hot NY comedian: everyone here dresses too nice Sam in Chicago: Every single day I see a man wearing the biggest pair of brown pants I have ever seen
I laughed listening to when you talked about dollar store knockoff Barbie dolls, . My daughter got one as a gift years ago and we call it “Berbie.”
What is this?? A cinderella carriage for ANTS?!
Top three days of the year!!
Going in my brain to find a specific word that would be perfect if I could remember it
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Come on!!!!! This is the best!
All of them
This deserves a Pulitzer
My favorite thing about music is when the singers sing “you” like yeeww
I think most people would pay good money to watch a pomeranian destroy a model village
Presenter: Japan is facing a ninja shortage. Me: ᵖⁱᶜᵏ ᵐᵉ
It's late Sunday night watching omg ANOTHER GODDAMN HARRY POTTER. Show me your face
There should be a law against + year old men calling people "bro".
me: *tries to withdraw $70* ATM: Insufficient funds.$69.69 remaining. me: *in tears* ⁿᶦᶜᵉ
What did batman say to robin before he got in the car? Get in the car
Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream* HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day? ME: No. Why?
Just bought a book called 'The Art of Foreplay'. I skipped the first few chapters.
Cop: You carrying anything you shouldn't have? Me: No officer... Cop: Empty your pockets sir... Me: [pulls out keys, phone] Cop: You got anything else? Me: [nervously] ⁿᵒᵗ ᵐʸ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗ ᶜʰᵉᵉˢᵉ
[in the park] Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too... Her: uh huh, I guess... Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid like "what that mouth do?"
God: like octopuses but they defy gravity Angel: sounds like nightmare fuel Spiders: ɥɔʇɐʍ oʇ ǝʞıl oslɐ ǝʍ
"LEND ME YOUR EARS" implies the existence of ear loans, and possibly ear loan sharks Me, typing: 'acquire ears' and 'how to be a loan shark' Her: stop making a racket
My son gave me this heart right before he turned and started school. " I know you are sad that I'm turning , I will still be me now that I'm but I'll be . Don't be scared that I'm going to school, put it in your car so when I'm not with you, you see it & know I love you."
Ass jam implies the existence of penis butter
Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon
I think there’s still some financial cushion in my Beanie Baby collection.
Welcome to Taco Bell! How can we help you? *Farts Taco Bell order into mic* Did you want to make it a combo? *shits self* Combo it is! Pull ahead, please!
[3 energy drinks for $5] *fills shopping cart* *cashier raises eyebrows* Look, this is the closest I get to cardio without a gym membership. [Jedi mind trick] *waves hand stuck in a Pringle’s can* Forget what you saw here. When the twitter sex dads all get together and tweet about mowing and diarrhea, it gets me so hot. Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not real Twitter fame is not re [Family get together] Mom: Has anyone seen grandmas dentures? Me with teeth: Ramma losht hur wat now? I talk a lot of shit for someone who's only halfway through the second Harry Potter movie. If you like my Merkin... you’re going to LOVE your Merkin. They say shower sex is overrated. You know we’d change their minds. There are a lot of hurt feelings and nasty things being said. But I think we can all agree...my neglected balls are the real victims here. Brushing up my Milli Vanilli instructional dance video...in case anyone is interested in chest bumping with me later. Starbucks calling out the wrong names on orders... but it’s just me fucking up everybody’s name in a DM room. Sorry I ignored your nudes but I was coming up with really fucking annoying hashtags for my Facebook post. Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get pizza? Me: Yes. Mom you can turn the night light off, I'm in a gang now I want to grow a mustache so I can twirl it while making plans to take over the world Sometimes, I think I have my life together, and then I spill a bottle of water in my purse. This karate class is so fake, they don't even teach you how to shoot a fireball There really is no ladylike way to eat a jelly filled donut... I would never go up to a van that says 'Free Candy' or 'Free puppies' painted on the side, they have to have both me: [in the pool with a t-shirt on] you’ll be hearing from my lawyer The lady planting a forest in her yard will be years old when the trees are mature, the perfect age for flying on a broom happy as can be. SOMEDAY IT’LL BE A PERFECT WORLD WHERE CAT HAIR IS SEEDS AND EACH STRAND THAT IS SHED SPROUTS LITTLE KITTENS I’m not always dramatic, but when I am you’ll know by the way I swish my cape. What do people who drink enough water want from us [to my students] mistakes are how we learn [to myself] you stupid fuckin moron Guys what base is it when he calls you insufferable I'm so sorry you're still Benstruating. Do you need a manpon? Shall I call a doctor for you? This cycle has gone on for a while. Terribly unhealthy, dontcha think? *sips tea* Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN The smartest and most beautiful women I know walking into a relationship with a straight up terror of a human being: I need a millennium falcon shaped IUD There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them Has anyone ever actually done anything for shits and giggles me: hey what's the wifi password again her: it's our favorite movie me: [typing] hmm didn't work her: did you capitalize the n in notebook? me: [erasing 'xxx backdoor nurses '] oh right Water is gross, but necessary. Omg men are water Him: i really like you Me: I think we should break up Him: wow ok bitch Me: on second thought Dad: it’s time we had “the talk” Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka Dad: the what? Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles?? Dad: excuse me Me: slaying the vadragon?? Dad: what?!? Me: disappointing the wife Dad: oh sex, right Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog: Me: my therapist suggested i get a puppy to get me feeling motivated and refocused Him: okay but Me: i need A LOT of motivation Imagine being a grown adult who is so butthurt and delusional that you vigilantly watch the actions of others and look for any excuse to justify why you have no choice but to publicly mock someone who's never done a thing to you. How sad. *sips tea* Sorry you keep running out of people who only want to talk about you and that’s literally the only topic you care about I am extremely brave until seaweed brushes my foot in the ocean in which case I am someone who can levitate above the water using the power of terror alone. Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen. You’re not a disney princess you’re years old Teach your child to Just Say No to men [my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ ME: [constantly desperate for attention] ALSO ME: lol no not from u [taking out the trash] me: hey I live over there neighbor: yes you say that every week me: sorry I’m high as fuck neighbor: you say that too Suffering from anxiety or depression? Try new Cheer Up™ Solve ALL your problems with ease by 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹! And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™ Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen: Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body. Me: *with chalk* I. The head A. The face . Eyes . Nose . Mouth a. Teeth People always talk about how “Thanos was right” but what about Lotso Bear from Toy Story ? Why wouldn’t the toys that had been there the longest get to play with the more age-appropriate kids? His methods may have been extreme but Lotso Bear paid his dues CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: [hands over a grain of sand, all that remains of Fantasia] what will you wish for ME: idk i already dropped it I may be wearing a shapeless, unattractive dress that is several sizes too big and resembles a muumuu/tent hybrid but I have never been more comfortable so fashion can eat my entire ass today me: [from casket in back of hearse] turn signals, guy bank robber: everybody on the ground or i'll shoot teller: oh no customers: oh no guy who does crossfit: [really wanting to talk about crossfit but realizing it's not an appropriate time] oh no Hey guys, I make art and I set up a thing where you can buy happy huggy heart products if you feel like it or not it’s up to you really but yeah ok here it is thanks bye Guess which one of these sweet potatoes my husband bought. [spelling bee] JUDGE: the word is "gavel" ME: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: [bangs fist on table] not since i was disbarred what I lack in looks I also lack in personality When you die on the toilet but you have more lives [after sex] her: that was great me: yeah her: one thing tho me: mhm? her: did you say “holey moley” when you finished? me: a lot of things were said Shower? Me? What am I: not depressed?? Grow up When I’m dead inside but someone needs my emotional support Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese me: wow is that a mocking bird mocking bird: "WoW iS tHaT a MoCkInG bIrD" fuck you kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it i'm a professional illustrator herman melville: i've finally finished my novel, moby penis editor: can we talk about the title herman melville: it's now moby dick and if i hear one more word it will be moby cock [first day as a mechanic] guy: are you sure you know what you're doing me: [sheathing tape measure] your car's fucked dude me: i fell down rollerblading on a treadmill police sketch artist: i thought you said you were attacked me: by my own hubris interviewer: you have a year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance” me: interviewer: me: you don’t remember me do you? i'm convinced billy eilish's eyelids weigh ten pounds each duck: [sees my bread] i lust for crust me: no duck: c'mon that dough make me go oh me: it'll make you sick duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby interviewer: alright do you have any questions for me me: have you seen megamind [arriving in hell] me: i didn't know i'd have to wear what i died in forever satan: where did you even find denim underwear robber: put the money in the bag mcdonalds cashier: ok just don't kill me robber: now put sprite in this water cup mcdonalds cashier: fuck you i'd rather die me: i was attacked by ninjas- doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce nintendo ds: you caught your first pokémon. what would you like to name it me: dickbutt nintendo ds: you want to name it dick butt me: no. dickbutt, one word nintendo ds: look dude i'm not naming it dickbutt I’m just like any other girl. I dream of a big wedding, standing beneath a flower arch reciting vows to my betrothed, secretly wishing they were Mater from Cars, disappointedly looking in the parking lot for that rusty, animated tow truck but still living happily ever after. NOW THROUGH SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! VISIT YOUR LOCAL TOYOTA DEALER TO FIGHT A WALRUS IN OUR HALLWAY! HALLWAY! HALLWAY! me: i heard staying up too late can cause hallucinations elmo with teeth: that sounds made up me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica] taco bell cashier: are you gonna order kid in a scary movie outside a haunted house: ok we saw it can we go now kid who will definitely die in minutes: what are you C H I C K E N Hey guys, more days to get your cool shirt and help save my dad if you want! GoFundMe Camaign: … Shirt Fundraiser: … welcome to my very first vlog in which i try different hair products [i spray hairspray into my mouth] well, right off the bat i can tell you this one is not very good her: [during sex] spank me me: [nervous but i go for it] her: did you just say good game me: [rolling down my window] what seems to be the problem officer cop: is that kidz bop *a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now eed* genie: i will grant you any wish me: i wish soup was spelled like soop genie: [frowning] no [after losing rap battle] no i don't regret the jazz hands doctor: are you sexually active me: [drinking an entire glass of water] my puppet: no [after sex] her: me: her: shrek limited edition blu-ray: watt air ewe dune en mah swamp doctor: [reading chart] was there any brain damage me: la croix tastes like toilet wine made in a prison for furbies doctor: [writing] yeah no he's fine piñata: alright kids now it's a party kid: [picking up metal bat] piñata: [clears throat] kids [first day as a baker] boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second nurse: what's the baby's name bear grylls' mom: bear grylls “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly. Our donation fund and shirt sales have reached$1,000 with many calling in to be screened as potential donors. That's an incredible milestone, but we still need any help you're able and willing to give. My dad and I thank you all so much for your support. I'll never forget it.
interviewer: how do you deal with high stress situations me: [remembering holding one of those vibrating pagers they give you at restaurants] mostly crying
we're also fundraising with these shirts with all the money going to the travel and recovery costs of an organ donor PLUS you get a cool shirt that will arrive around father's day
to be a donor, contact samantha (Live Donor Coordinator/ KU Medical Center for Transplantation) at -588-5049, include becoming a live donor for layne moore in your message along with your name & bday and if you aren't a match, they can still match you to someone else in need
visit to learn about the free process and how you can get in contact with the medical team. our donation link here is currently showing an error message, but the rest of the site is a great educational resource. if you have any questions, please dm me
hey guys. i make a lot of jokes on here but i need to ask something of you. my dad is going to die if he doesn't get a kidney. if you're able to donate one, you'd save his life. please share this and consider donating here: …
I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.
I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.
I didn’t care about Avengers but please don’t spoil the new Toy Story movie.
I got a Marshalls gift card for Father’s Day so don’t point it out if you notice my swim trunks are slightly irregular.
Just dipped celery in guacamole and the definite worst part of this diet is dipping vegetables in other vegetables.
My wife is getting her hair done today and I’m just really hoping I can nail my reaction this time.
Before memes we would have to hang a Ziggy cartoon in the break room and leave it there for years.
: Where are the Oreos? ME: What Oreos? : The ones you got. The ones for the th anniversary of the moon landing. ME: [through a mouthful of cookies] That didn’t happen. : What? I saw you buy them. ME: [taking a big sip of milk] It was a hoax.
My wife bought one of these yesterday and I hate to break it to her but...
No one is full of more false hope than a parent buying one of those little trash cans for the car.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.
Made it to that level of dad where I'm excited about vacation because I can turn up the thermostat while we're gone and save some money.
I’ve never been stung by a bee, which I’ve always attributed to luck. But now I’m like... what if it’s because my destiny is to save the bees and they know the prophecy
I’m not against my kids being homeschooled as long as it’s in someone else’s home.
I texted my dad a heartfelt Father’s Day message yesterday but since he was home, his cell phone was turned off in a drawer.
A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.
I don't care what my family gets me for Father's Day as long as they don't waste $7 on a gift bag and tissue paper to put it in. The best part of tomorrow being Father’s Day is not having to think of something to write in a Mother’s Day card right now. At first it felt weird stirring my cocktail with this baby spoon but if it wasn't for cocktails this spoon wouldn't even be here. What happened to the fundamentals? -Dads watching basketball Gave a rival dad a “how to grill” book right in front of a bunch of people. Like that episode where Michael Scott realizes he’s wearing a women’s suit but it’s me and the sunglasses I’ve had for a year. The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be -30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag. COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one? ME: no thanks i'm on a diet CW: are you sur- M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up.... We paid hundreds of dollars for my kid’s sports team to play in a tournament so we could pay a gate fee to watch them. paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice If you go to my Instagram page and tag a dad on the latest post, will draw a name to send a bouquet of long bois to for Father’s Day. Not to sound too much like a dad but most of the NBA travels so much they could have a layover in Detroit and the ref still wouldn’t call it. I’m bored, want to find new ways to scratch the floors? Brilliant, let’s go. -my kids Almost bought a magazine before I realized it was$12.
Wasn’t sure what to get this year old for her preschool graduation, luckily the invitation her parents sent included a gift registry.
One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.
Told the hibachi chef to stop yolkin’ around when he cracked the eggs for the fried rice.
Sorry I spent the first five hours of our vacation connecting everything to the wifi.
My kid’s sporting event has been delayed hours because of rain and now I know what it’s like to be a hostage.
Remind your kid every now and then that you know what it takes to be cool by calling something “the bomb dot com.”
*getting ready to go on vacation* Me: We’re getting in the car. My husband: Ok, I just need to take a quick shower & reconfigure the whole sprinkler system.
:35 A.M. THIS WAS A HORRIBLE MISTAKE
My year old daughter has friends spending the night. Does anyone know if they will ever quiet down and go to sleep?
~swatting at rogue faerie buzzing about my face but too vigorously so I accidentally scratch my eyeball and fall backwards from my throne~
Please welcome Rosamund Pike to the Wheel of Time family. Say hello to Moiraine.
If you haven’t listened to on you’re missin’ out!
Spanish pirate? Sea señor
SEASON TWO IS HERE! NEW Episode with is OUT NOW! Listen! Enjoy! Pickles! Sandwiches! …
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least dogs and monkeys went to space before them
countrang rongss, take mae honess
Chatted with Crosby about the moon moving into Sagittarius today
What do those colorful French eressions mean? c'est la vie it's alive raison d’être raisin of death (every raisin) cul-de-sac cool sack! (genital compliment) gendarme arm gender apropos hi, popo! ("hello, officer")
Captain Kirk: I never knew you had a twin. What's he do? His name? Spock: He's an art teacher for the Vulcan Academy. His name's Smock.
If a dog wears a bikini, does the top have triangles like a normal bikini or to cover all of his nipples?
I bet at the end of Superman vs Batman they become great friends and do things like wine tasting together.
Happy birthday to the lovely and talented . and - THEM NOW. Here’s how I draw them in seconds.
[karaoke] ME: Just like the white winged dove, sings a song sounds like she's singin' SEAL: ORT! ME: Baby, SEAL: ORT! ME: Said SEAL: ORT!
Him: Flash me a smile. You're prettier when you smile. I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Flea: I dunno, feels like something's missing. Anthony Kiedis: Ding, dang, dong, dong, deng, deng, dong, dong, ding, dang Flea: Holy shit.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Any questions?” the professor asks the class. “How long can a closed-loop human centipede ouroboros self-sustain?” I call out. “Three days tops until at least one system body fails, triggering the entire series-linked chain to begin inevitable collapse. Anyone else?”
I'm going to shave off my hair then grow a beard so it looks like my head is upside down
[deserted island] MICK JAGGER: [quietly] all we need is music, sweet, sweet music, there'll be m- DAVID BOWIE: shut the hell up
If the birds and mice won't even dress me and braid my hair then why the hell should I do it myself?
COACH: Hold that football like you'd hold a woman! ME: Got it. *holds the football at an emotional distance, afraid of being hurt again*
Time to buy the classic Dog Piss game for my family, the game where a dog pisses in my children’s faces
Nobody: Girl holding crystals that she bought at urban outfitters: IT’S SPELLED MAGICK!!
lmao jesus christ
Single trans mother lashayla Davis freedom
HIM: Do you know what horses are? MEDIEVAL ARTIST: Ha ha! Of course I know horkses! HIM: Horses. MEDIEVAL ARTIST:…Horp-horpses.
why is it that you can introduce your significant other as your “partner in crime” a million times and everyones cool with it but you introduce them as your “Crime Partner” once and the host of the party wont stop following you around their house
Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*
If more than people gather anywhere in Oregon, it's either a drum circle or a heavily armed militia. No in between.
Gonna put a secret compartment in one of my back teeth with a tiny emergency flag inside so I'm prepared to pledge allegiance at literally any time.
One day, my kids will figure out "silly goose" means "fuckin asshole."
You inspired me to draw this
The older I get the more I realize that most movie villains have legitimate points, but go too far and have poor execution.
If I get a kidney transplant from someone who dies and goes to hell, but the kidney was inside me (a good boy) long enough, does the kidney go to heaven when I die? Just a big meat bean floating in the clouds with wings and a halo?
Netflix: are you still watching? Me: yes Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Like his boss came to tell Norm he didn't get the promotion, and instead of being like "the dude you gave my promotion is porking your wife", he was all dang I guess because of guy code I just have to quit and be unemployed.
Watched an old episode of Cheers and Norm was applauded for his integrity by men and women alike for not telling his boss a rival for a work promotion was sleeping with the boss's wife. "Guys don't rat on guys." The s were a fuckin mess is what I'm saying.
It'll be super awkward when the Germans have to come liberate the prisoners in our concentration camps.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Breath of the Wild version …
*steps up to the mic at the city council meeting* Should I call my Ghostbusters porn parody script Nutbusters or Ghostboners?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years] Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I love so many things about my mom, but mostly how any time there's a vaguely foreign word, she turns into a Mario brother when she says it
It really IS super amazing in the dark, tysm Google
I was abducted by a UFO, and while a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, I will say I'm the st human in the billion billion mile high club.
HUMANS: (invent sodomy, oral sex, and homosexuality) GOD: (secretly super impressed, but also jealous and angry he didn't think of them first) um those are sins actually
*walks across a city street between crosswalks while holding a bottle of Crimes wine* hell yeah crimes
save a cowboy, fuck a horse no wait I messed it up
Please understand that when I call you a terf, I mean "Trans-Exclusionary Rancid Fartgoblin", because while not all radical feminists are trans-exclusionary, all trans-exclusionary people are fartgoblins.
It's far too early to get overly excited over any particular candidate, but I know a thumb on the scale when I see one.
The Dems really don't want people to see Bernie getting applause on TV. This almost assures a hostile audience.
ELEPHANT: Hey man, that's a nice tux. Those cufflinks look sharp. What are they made from? RICH GUY: I think they're ivo— ELEPHANT: ... RICH GUY: Plastic. Just normal plastic. ELEPHANT: ... RICH GUY: I'm gonna get trampled, aren't I? ELEPHANT: Yup.
In an alternate universe, Bruce Wayne's parents were robbed and murdered in Rhyme Alley, and he grew up to be the greatest rap battler in Gotham history.
"I have always relied on the strangeness of kinders," mused the German sideshow owner, as a -headed child handed him a drink.
Chicken Soup for the Hole (my mouth)
Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars. Cut off all my oxygen and dump my corpse on Mars.
the soundtrack from mission impossible plays in my head as i attempt (with limited success) to shimmy down a row of seats in a theater without my ass or balls bumping anyone's drinks
poly couples in LA be like “we’re married but maybe you’re the sexy little unicorn we’ve been waiting for to go eloring bodies with we’re also looking to start a writers group”
Hey, girl, are you Toys R Us? Cuz you used to be fun but now you’re just empty inside.
It’s only depression if it’s from the Dépression region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling sadness.
To find the clitoris in a woman first you need to find the clitoris in your soul.
[desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats
an abridged history of the modern Republican party : racists are cool : gun nuts are cool : wealth hoarders are cool : religious nuts are cool : Nazis are cool : child molesters are cool : traitors are cool : concentration camps are cool
Southern California people, starting tomorrow I will begin giving all of my paintings away. I will be leaving them in public locations and will post a photo here in order to help people find them. The paintings will be signed and a note will be attached. Watch this thread.
Record attendance in my acting class last night. Truly amazing.
My coach my friend!! going over them lines!
Ordinary boy : send nudes Me :
*Send foods
I hate when I forget to not remember
If I were an alcoholic beverage I'd be a Long Island Iced Tea. I'm cheap and you get a lot of bang for your buck.
I’m on the front page of the
"There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice ". - F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Started with one $1200 bitcoin and road it all the way up to$19,000 but then it started going down and I sold at $14,000. So I still made a good chunk of change but it’s a very volatile market. As soon as it goes up everyone wants to buy in. The good news is that it’s real $$Someone at a fancy restaurant: “What does this wine pair well with?” Waiter: “Cocaine.” Me: I’d kill for a donut Mob boss: you’re hired me: *responds maybe to a fb event* wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY Way to brag that you can afford both divorce and build a bear jeez [Googling instructions for disarming a bomb] For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother's kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm [Hurried scrolling] Ladies, when you only have a few minutes to get ready for a night out, what literary device do you employ to support the thematic elements of your narrative I can't be in a nuclear world war, I'm an introvert I'm not saying I was the best at it, but as the only member of my Segway tour group to fall off and somehow run myself over, I feel that I came closest to honouring the vision of the Segway company owner that died by driving one off a cliff. some personal and exciting news: i've had enough To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege. When I was a chestburster, I spoke and thought as a chestburster; but when I became a xenomorph, I put away chestburster things. Time to transition to my summer wardrobe: a forensics tent, playfully accessorised with a single stern-faced police officer urging people to move along, there's nothing to see here. Sometimes my partner will gently remind me to drink water because she is invested in my well-being, and I respond by gorging on sachets of silica gel because I don't know how to accept love. Coachella is what you get when you don’t cook your millennials enough before eating them. Oh you're upset about a thing? Well, would you be mad if the situation were different in a way I designed in my head just for this argument? [Struggling to button my trousers up] I'm just containing a few extra multitudes right now YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely I am too old and tired to learn any new names. From hereon I will be adopting the "French Potato" method of classification, and addressing people only as the apple of wherever I find them. Actually, it’s only existentialism if it comes from the existentialism region of France. Otherwise, it’s just sparkling anxiety. COACH: Hold that football like you'd hold a woman! ME: Got it. *holds the football at an emotional distance, afraid of being hurt again* when I get MARRIED my WIFE will be in THE KITCHEN where she STAYS and I WILL ALSO be there BECAUSE it’s ALSO our BED ROOM. we live in a VERY SMALL studio apartment because we are POOR pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere Inelicably used the phrase 'Head over yonder' when giving a man directions, condemning him to vehicular problems and an evening spent at the mercy of a local serial killer. Sorry if I appear a bit tired today. I was up all night practicing my insouciance. for every big studio tweet you do, you get or little arthouse ones for you..... I hate when people assume that working in a library means you just sit around reading all day. Who do you think is responsible for writing the notes inside textbooks that tell you on what pages you can find the nudes? [cocoon] CATERPILLAR: What the fuck what the fuck what the fuuuuuuuuu [later] BUTTERFLY: uuuuuuucck. Was always a bit fuzzy, as a child, on the political situation in Babar's kingdom. And I sure as fuck don't plan on learning now pretending I am a dragon. not like, outwardly. just for me. Extremely French and Incredibly Toast Just as there are groups that rescue distressed animals, so too should there be a team of dedicated professionals that catch people to teach them what haircut suits their face-shape and then releases them back into their natural habitat. Running was invented in by Thomas Running when he tried to walk twice at the same time. My gang earned a reputation for the dramatic by driving our victims deep into the woods and having them hand-chisel their own mausoleums out of a marble slab. [Nightclub] Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY [the moon crashing into earth] Me: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵃᵐᵒʳᵉ me: can i get a big mac employee: sir, this is a Burger King me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty I got my Twitter account the traditional way: by going to an old curiosity shop, where the owner elained that "you don't pay... with money" while something in a dusty cabinet seemed to momentarily glimmer. For some reason I couldn't remember the word "calendar," so I called it a "time map." Sometimes I can't be sure if I'm really reading a book or if I'm just performatively holding it to provide insight about my character for anybody savvy enough to Wikipedia the title. Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man...could you help m- Me: I have a grandma. Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect. % of my time spent playing videogames is just me clumsily jostling my character against surfaces, trying to find the angle that lets me read the titles of any books or magazines that are on them. In a second-hand bookshop and an unbidden old lady tried to hand me a dusty tome as though I'm unfamiliar with how cursed objects work. new video about the stupidest ways you can save money, featuring an minute video of my subscribers crying at the end. if you're in the video reply to this tweet with a screenshot bold and attractive. show don’t tell call me Kermit one more time Siri told me to go East so I did the whole Never Eat Soggy Waffles and realized I’m . Just look at the fucking sunsetting and go away from it. One of my emotional breakdowns finally paid off i just watched this at work at the host stand waiting to see myself and i am not disappointed the time has come. my tears have been seen, congrats little ones I CANT BREATHE HAHHAH I ACTUALLY MADE IT Felt that this is my moment THIS dumb BITCH MADE IT SARAH KJDKJSHJFBFSHFBGJB i feel seen todays video is going out soon. the last eight minutes of it is just people crying to stock farting noises. cuz to get the crying pics from Instagram you have to screenshot your DMs and guys sent me like dick pics and I accidentally screenshot one and mass uploaded the screenshots to Premiere cuz there’s + photos and just saw it My new video is going out tomorrow. Accidentally put a dick pic in the crying montage. Have to take it out Matched with a guy on Tinder and he asked my favorite restaurant and I said “Cicis Pizza.” He hasn’t responded in days. “Weird kink” is redundant emily but okay A dating app where two people match and beat the shit out of me. "no, officer, I haven't seen my husband in weeks. yes, I'm terribly worried" gender-neutral things to call your partner: • old sport • honey bun • raccoon slut • eldritch horror • mad sea captain • the abomination that causes desolation when Hitler demanded that Denmark yield up its Jewish population, thousands of Danes hid Jews in their homes or smuggled them out in boats. Police and government officials at all levels assisted in the rescue. Over percent of Denmark’s ,000 Jews survived the war. as a boy, Hans Christian Andersen used to flirt with girls by telling them he was secretly a faerie changeling and would offer them jobs as dairy maids in the castle he would one day own, and this is the level of confidence I aspire to in my dating life. people get offended at my jokes and threaten to block me, unaware that their tears make me taller and stronger and more powerful. soon I will be the size of a building and stomping through your metropolis, still telling jokes but now impervious to bullets. A thing no one tells you about growing up is that none of us “feel” like adults and we’re all confused sometimes and scared sometimes and all of us face rejections and setbacks. Don’t despair because you haven’t “made it” yet. Have grace for yourself. we're banning all thirsty comments on women's pictures. from now on if you wish to compliment a lady, you may call her "adorable sea-hag," "dreaded elf-witch," or "deadly and all-powerful siren who could stab me in the heart with a knife." make your choice and make it fast. we could hugely improve the quality of education in this country by introducing mandatory classes in basic life skills (cooking, doing taxes), the history of popular culture, and how the Holocaust happened. a lot of people are going to say "why do we need another Little Women movie" but listen: you need this. I need this. ignore the script, Jo and Laurie, ignore the end of the novel. give into your feelings. run away together. the Holocaust didn't begin with death camps, it began with anti-semitic rhetoric, the shuttering of businesses and synagogues and the incitement of mob violence. most people in most countries denied what was happening even as the death camps did their awful work. Who are we? Poets on opium What do we want? For the raven to fly hence and bother us no longer When do we want it? In the bleak December wishing I lived in a medieval village with timbered pubs and cute cobbled streets. the baker's daughter brings me pies straight from the oven, and my only worry is can I find enough etic gems in the caves to appease the harvest sprites. listen: as a father of daughters, a husband, a man with aunts and nieces and a woman trapped in my cellar, a man who is just covered with ladybugs, I’d give anything to be a retired governess living in a seaside cottage. Each morning I’d feed the chickens and write letters in my cozy study, and at night I would walk my chocolate lab by the beach waiting for my sailor husband to return from the sea. {\__/} ( • . •) / > u want some turkish delight? {\__/} ( •- •) < \ bring hither the son of Adam and the two daughters of Eve Toy Story (1995): haha Mr. Potato Head shaves by peeling off his plastic mustache!! Toy Story : anything can be sentient, the mysteries of consciousness are vast telling people you’re single: • “you’ll find someone” • “have you tried tinder” saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”: • mystical • empowering • sword-in-the-stone vibes might hang out and cause a scandal in the s by wearing trousers and refusing to marry and flying my own plane and going undercover as a burlesque dancer to catch a murderer. you ever worked up a sweat on a warm summer day and suddenly you’re an aging but still beautiful Southern belle standing on the balcony of your shabby flat, in a white satin gown, sipping a lemon coke and remembering when the boys loved you? teenager: do you remember the s? me *taking a drag on a cigarette*: it was the summer of . we were cloning sheep. Lauryn Hill ruled the airwaves. I remember how the air smelled of the sea. people say Jordan Peterson is a "spiritual leader" but Agatha Christie wrote some fifty books about sin, death and judgment, sold two billion copies AND faked her own death. a legend. *tough guy with tattoos approaches you at the gym*: you in touch with your feelings, bro? you ever just cry from joy? you tryin your best to stay gentle and open-hearted in a world that can be callous and cruel? kids growing up today with email and twitter will never know how hard it was back in the '90s to keep in touch with friends... before going to the grocery store we'd update our wills, tearfully hugging our loved ones and praying that dysentery didn't take us. Spanish pirate? Sea señor No one’s looking forward to work tomorrow, but at least you won’t be arriving by carriage for a new position at a manor house only to see the ghost of the previous governess glowering from a third floor window Happy y’all *in hell* satan: dude you gotta stop following me around me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward Thanks for selling me your cheap couch, the pleather is mine Salt me like one of your French fries. Friend: I don’t like these new food trends. Today every sandwich comes with aioli Me: Your sandwich has nipples? Pooling investment money into funds? The feeling is mutual Women with open DMs on twitter Wanting to do a meme with the people looking ME Forgetting the picture I’m at a much too advanced yoga class and want to leave- it’s really put me in an awkward position ‘words cannot describe’ is the worst thing you can say about words ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then. [first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing* Cucked by the mucinex goblin ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock WIFE: A WHAT? ME: Shhh, you'll make him nervous DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet* Anti-vaxxers, you’re telling me you won’t get one measley vaccine? I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room and the receptionist just tore me a new one Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are Readers Digest dipping into Twitter hard this month. My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble. So, I've decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other. Your move itches so my brother lost my selfie stick and I'm honestly like lvl pissed i lost my selfie stick and i'm starting to wonder if i gave it away. I broke my selfie stick. My selfie stick broke earlier this week and I’m really sad. Please keep me in your thoughts I broke my selfie stick. I did my makeup just to find out my selfie stick broke. Fuckkkkkkk. That's a nice selfie stick you got there, it'd be a shame if something were to happen to it Longest Twitter day of the year! Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day' Based on name alone, Knickers should be the most stolen item in the UK Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks* [my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ I don't always know how to use certain terms correctly, per se Me: *remembers every word from every song I heard in * Also me: *looks at my boarding pass for the ,438th time in the last minutes to see what seat I'm in* her: take off my bra me: ok her: take off my panties me: wow ok her: stop wearing my clothes I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it Thinking about an open-oven cremation Disappointed these DON’T taste like shit “A million new STIs are contracted every day” yeah, says WHO *First day undercover as a teen at the local college* Me: How about them woke baes? Them: What? Me: Big mood bruh it's lit so savage salty. Them: Are you having a stroke mister? *In a panic I start to twerk* snail: ive renovated my home me: nice decorations snail: thank me: is that a cigarette? snail: that is my lamp ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species. KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at . Every town has a house kids swear is haunted. The most dangerous season in real estate is the time after such a house burns down. Because kid law demands there be a ghost house. It could be any home. It doesn't have to look creepy now. That’ll come on its own, after the choosing. I liked that scene where Ryan Gosling became Ryan Gander The White Me: Wouldn't it be nice if we could be supportive of each other? The entire rest of the world: Your lawn is not perfectly green and flat. You do not deserve love. Rorschach’s Twitter /27/2019 This website is afraid of me. I've seen its true face. The tweets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when they flood; all the posters and retweeters will look up and shout "Log off!" ...and I'll look down, and whisper "No." Watching Scooby-Doo has taught me that at any time a bunch of teenagers can show up and rip your face off. Stay vigilant my fellow ghosts. Free and on the run, Ray knew being an escaped convict would be tough. He needed to change his look. Maybe a haircut. He saw a sign and went in. He should have read more carefully. Clown Barber Shop. And that's how Ray "Bozo" Clinker got his nickname. Ginsberg: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked. Me *scrolling twitter*: Yeah, same. If I were Spider-Man, I’d live my life pretty much exactly the same but instead of bending over, I’d use my web to pick stuff up off the ground I started learning karate as a child due to a fear of vampires and tbh they've never tried to fuck with me since then Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy? Witness: that looks nothing like him Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN My body is a temple. My mind is a circus. My car is a trash compactor. My apartment is a frat house. I could do this all day. I don't do dating apps. I'll take my rejection the old fashioned way. In person. Technically speaking, is Robocop a zombie? My tombstone is going to say, "I told you I was immortal." genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my dog could talk genie: done me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes Me and my posse of penguins are gonna go downtown and start a riot, wanna join? Sure, I go to the bathroom, but just to visit. I never stay There is a man in the corner of the train car. Don’t look at him—don’t stare! He has an eagle clutching an arrow tattooed on his throat, with the slogan “Swallow All Lies” emblazoned on its wings. The eagle is watching you. It knows why you’re on this train. You shouldn't drunk-tweet Australia: *deactivates* I gaze longingly into the abyss in the hope that the abyss will gaze longingly back at me Me, drunk: This guy *pointing* this fuckin’ guy bedder wash it! Friend: Okay, calm down. Don’t hit him Me: No! No! Dude had ‘is chince to back off, man! F: No, wait! Me, throws punch, breaks mirror in bar Me: Oh shit! I think..*looks at broken glass*..I think I killed ‘im! Cool prank idea: Turn into a snake or bird Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs. I want to marry an alligator but my mom says that I can't because that would be appropriating Florida culture I think fish are sad but they can't cry because they're surrounded by water. judge: show us on the doll where he hurt you me: *points to heart* jury: awww [First date] Me: How are you? Him: Great! Me: *packing bag* sorry we have nothing in common roommate: hey this package came in with your name on it, but it’s just denture cream and lavender scented lube me: [reading a book called “how to seduce a woman over ”] that’s awfully strange ants invade kitchens in the spring because it’s track and field season and they need your toothpicks to practice pole vaulting When God shuts a door he opens a window. And turns off the lights. There’s food in the fridge. He'll be home by . Don't touch that thermostat! Me: It’s not a doll, it’s an action figure. HR: Fine. You can’t have a Glen from Accounting voodoo action figure impaled outside your cubicle. Tinder Date: It’s just...in your profile picture you had a normal human head, like y’know all covered in flesh and stuff. Ghost Rider: Yeah, that was taken before I was possessed by the Spirit of Vengeance. Tinder Date: Ghost Rider: Preeeetty sure I mentioned that in my bio. To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege. Dentist: stop biting Me: I'm flirting Dentist: look I'm just here to do my job and- Me: *inhaling even more anaesthetic* put your tool in my mouth Pretty excited for the year , when I'll be just a head in a jar, stored inside a giant warehouse, quietly singing the harmony part to "The Boxer." Kid: *bowl on head* You sure that's the best way to cut my hair? Parent: *remembering the "meal" the kid made and they had to pretend to like* Yes. Sit still. Creating the English Language Me: So, as far as plurals I was thinking just adding an S at the end of everything. Total Lunatic: Thieves Knives Geese MOOSE Cacti Me: Do you know what water’s boiling point is? yo: Tea! Me: *welling up* It sure is, kiddo Calling me a "bitch" makes me respect you even less. Get creative. Cock parrot. Twat gobblin. Slut pier. Show me you really care by putting in the work. What's your vector, Victor? Thanks for the TotD . My overrated Tweet about lettuce and great ones from some pals of online. Cheers, Woody. … … Congrats ! picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: … It's not a proper mole hair until you can wrap it round you times [restaurant] Me: I'll have the blood ocean Date: It's called tomato soup How can you tell if a guy is into you? Check for balls near your vag She-Ra is short for sheared rabbit Things with wheels, ranked . Unicycle : Bicycle : Tricycle : Quadbike : Office chair . Cheese Guy who only speaks in letters: U-R-A-B Bee: Yes, that’s correct Guy: Y-R-U-A-B? Bee: I was born that way Guy: O, I-C Bee: I’m going back to the hive now Guy: O-K, C-U Being a parent is like being a teenager except now you’re old and you have to change diapers and life is miserable and then you die. BOSS: How's the new pond project going? ME: Swimmingly. I took to it like a duck to water B: Don't let it fall between the quacks M: I'll duck out and finish it now B: Sorry to quack the whip. I'm seeing duck clouds on the horizon M: Don't worry I've got my ducks in a row [first date with someone who doesn't understand twitter jokes] Me: Hi, nice to meet you Him: THAT MAKES ME ANGRY ABOUT <insert personal agenda here> *writes -character tweet* ME: Shall I edit? ME: Fuck it, they'll probably change the limit again soon *saves to drafts* Congrats ! picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: … *Hiccup’s in the middle of coughing. What the FUCK was that?! Should I check for abs? *Starts load of whites. Gets naked. Heads to the shower. So this is what a naked idiot, in a cold shower, looks like. I’ve reached the age where new pots and pans are an exciting part of my tax check plans. Granny said “You’ll never find a man who loves you as much as he does.” But his love is like a bear trap, and I’ve got a cub to raise. There’s an unwritten rule that as soon as you buy your child all of the accessories for something it’s time for them to move on to obsessing over something else. ME: so what are we now, like, friends with benefits? HR MANAGER: really more an employer/employee relationship, but yes, we provide full benefits Squirrels get drunk on nuts that ferment when they bury them in the ground & are also, observably, idiots & I have never identified more with any animal. Having a little talk with the cats about inviting friends over without talking to me first. If God didn't want me to retweet your pinned tweet times, he'd fix Twitter. You think I'm funny now? Just wait until I'm day drinking at your bridal shower. I like to follow all these young whippersnappers to keep my lingo fresh. The best part about being an adult is when your YO asks for one last swing even though it's getting pitch black out you can say yes I see a lot of people using , yet the tweet is somehow never about catapults And thus God spake, "Number eleven: Thou shalt not disturb a cat in her comfort" Winnie the Pooh sets out for Piglet Corner, looking for his closest friend. “Bitch better have my honey,” he mutters under his breath. Me: Let’s find an open road and run away. Start new, start fresh and just leave everything behind us... Uber driver: Um, I already accepted my next ride so...I’m gonna have to say no. Husband: What would it take to get into your pants tonight? Me: You could use your powers of suction... H: Don’t you mean seduction? Me: No, I’d rather you vacuum the living room. So fucken hot. I never half arse things. I always make sure that no matter what I do, I'm a complete arse. [“Painless Dentistry” pitch on Shark Tank] ME: We serve them coffee and pastries then send them home, pain free. CUBAN: That’s just a coffee shop. ME: Yeah? And where are the sharks in this tank, Mark? New TV show idea: film one TV show like it's another TV show. Ideas include: Film Hoarders like an episode of Cribs Film Cribs like an episode of Pimp My Ride Film Teen Mom like an episode of Survivor. Anyway, I've got shit to do. I'll accept my Emmy in the mail. *randomly has an hilarious tweet come to him* *files it away in his brain for later, because he's tweeted something else funny too recently & doesn't want to bother you* *decides now is appropriate, but has forgotten the tweet* *can't think of anything funny for days. Seethes* <Unsuccessfully attempting to join the mile high club> SHE: Planely this isn't working! FIRST DATE DINNER AT MY PLACE: SHE: Where's your toilet paper? ME: Wow, someone's used to the good life. ME: My Dad was weirdly obsessed with Sir Isaac Newton and I am weirdly obsessed with Sir Isaac Newton. SHE: Wow, so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? [watching Jaws] Me: Which ones Jaws Girlfriend: Who do u think? Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard tell Her: You're a disappointment to your parents! You'll never get that promotion! Your kids think you're a joke! Me: *Handcuffed to bed, crying* This isn't what I meant when I said I wanted to introduce a little pain into the bedroom. Inventor: so a flying balloon Me: i'm with you Inventor: big flame over your head Me: sounds good Inventor: no steering Me: excellent Inventor: *snorting coke* and you're in a wicker basket Me: i'm in Two Tickets to Paradise? Yeah, right. More like % off an Uber ride to Hoboken. That bit’s bullshit. We like to line our nests with moss. New rule: You shit in it, you wash it. in retrospect i dont blame that pizza delivery guy for getting upset that my signature is a photo realistic, depth shaded drawing of a dying oak tree that takes minutes to complete. I like to think I would be able survive days in the wild if I ever got lost in the woods, but then I remember the time I went to Ikea... magician [spreading out a deck of cards]: now jack i want you to pick any one card without showing it to me please ace of spades [screaming]: jack i want you to draw me like one of your french girls I was at my local grocery store and one of my kids insisted that the tampons I was buying were candy and the other decided to correct him by yelling THOSE ARE TAMPONS AND THEY ARE FOR MOMMY’S WEINER. And we never went back there again the end. Why am I always to blame for not paying attention? If your meetings had more ninjas and elosions you would have my undivided attention. if the angel of death is a cow the very last thing you'll see will be the uddertaker A pirate’s long distance girlfriend is his land ho There needs to be a “parent of young kids” setting on health tracking wearable devices, where instead of automatically tracking and recording how little sleep you get, it just makes strong coffee magically appear. What if legs were like dicks and you could only walk if you were horny Who called it necrophilia and not "blowing a casket"? Phone just auto-completed to "Not fair of you were to avoid the bar-boyle" and now I need to think about my life choices. I can't really hear anything: Volume One For someone with a big butt and a smile, I'm pretty trustworthy. And I've never poisoned someone, so... Any rug is a throw rug if you have unresolved anger issues Hey baby are you a hot tub because you’re kinda gross and minutes with you is about all I can stand Do you think they even bother giving Jeff Goldblum scripts anymore or do they just tell him vaguely what his character is and set him loose? If I wanted to make friends I’d go to the LEGO store. I struggle to maintain eye contact in any conversation half as long as actors do while they are driving a car I was in the closet eating cookies hiding from my kids and my yo busted in there like some DEA agent an and I hid those cookies like I was hiding weed from my mom. Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon He changed his name from Neil Coal to Neil Diamond after a a huge amount of record company pressure. A wax museum of nobodies only celebrities can visit. Craft beer so hip it was strained through the used socks of Mumford and Sons. Sunny D tastes like the tears of a kid who just wanted real orange juice. I wonder if Evil Medical School is easier to get in to than regular med school. *pulls a wad of tuna out of the can like chewing tobacco* I crafted two golems out of gold to help around the house and care for the children. They're an au pair. HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I make so many jokes about my paralyzed legs? HER: Yes ME: (under breath) I can't stand it after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her. she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me When you say you're going to deactivate your account and the tweet goes viral When greeting a fellow man, grasp his hand firmly and confidently. Pat him exactly three times on the shoulder while flashing your teeth, then go in for a robust embrace, squeezing with all your might, tightening your grip with each breath he exhales. First one to pass out loses. Is it cool that I said all that? Is it chill that you're in my head? Cuz I know that it's Detlef Schrempf I have brain damage & the worst sense of direction. Whenever I get lost, I start talking to the prettiest girl I can find so my wife will suddenly show up to take me home R. Kelly is releasing a single for the Space Jam soundtrack. It’s called I Believe I Can Fly (to a country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty). The nice thing about Monday morning *cries in shower* is the sinking reality that your dreams are still out of reach *puts on suit* please god make it stop *grabs car keys* when will it end *merges into traffic* I hated childhood and somehow still miss it [life goals in the climate crisis] List of places to see before I die: about List of places that’ll die before I see them: everything within miles of the ocean People are confused when I walk through the mall with my kids and I’m wearing my ‘virginity rocks’ shirt. Before Instagram: Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh cop: give yourself up-- me: i don't owe that piece of shit anything Spanx, but for concealing panic attacks and depression Please take your endless energy and go away. Once again I'd like to remind everyone that when you take something out of a degree oven, that thing is also degrees. I feel like way more people would pay attention to me on here if i had a gavel Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than 20 ‘It’s the miracle of Cheesemas!’ I say as I find a second breakfast cheese in the fridge. Why isn’t there a flea and tick pill but for people? [holding the door open for a pretty woman] Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir Me: *blushing* I aim to please Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for years, he aims for the floor M: I despise you Carnivals are fun because you trust a person you would avoid on the street with your life for three minutes. I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store. death by song lyrics and silence mr. omel: you’re a good egg, kid omelette: thanks dad I would never go up to a van that says 'Free Candy' or 'Free puppies' painted on the side, they have to have both blue jean baybay LA baybay seamstress for the baybay... My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war. How can it be both Midsummer's Day and the first day of Summer at the same time? And other things to keep me awake at night. "GO! GO! GO!" Me, throwing myself into the car after dropping something off quickly at my Mom's house. Because I most certainly do When I order a non-fat mocha please don’t tempt me with “don’t you want whipped cream?” Geography means nothing when you find your people. If you see me choking on chicken skin, just let me work through it. It’s not my first chicken skin rodeo. Is this your st time at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting? Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why? You hear a familiar melody in the air but you don't quite catch it, and then it hits you. A xylophone hits you. The marimba you just threw was trying to warn you by playing a song your father used to sing, "Never Forget You Are Juggling When It's Idiophones." There are things in life I never needed to know. Amazon selling coffins would be one of them. If you keep throwing water at the thirsty girls, I'll keep throwing sponges. I'm at a bar in downtown Boston and I'm not saying I feel old but everyone in here is a fucking embryo. Early morning dueling banjos of neighbor’s roosters crowing followed by a woodpecker pounding on my gutter. Hashtag hillbilly life Sometimes in my mind I have a British accent. There’s a good reason why Ferris Bueller’s day off was about a teenager, and not a year old man. Today I’m getting an oil change, emissions tested, and going to the DMV. I almost fell asleep typing that. Day Challenge Don’t do anything stupid for ten days [Deleting all work emails] THESE DON'T BRING ME JOY! I've decided that I'm not happy with my body but instead of diet and exercise I'd just like to ask you all to avert your eyes. I was having a blast until that asshole showed up wearing the exact same fanny pack as me. I did get some dirty looks at the funeral but that cotton candy was delicious. *literally anyone approaches* me: look at this motherfucker I’m at the dentist with a bunch of other old guys. They’re playing Miami Sound Machine in the waiting room. One guy still has his blinker on. Pour Sriracha and Drano into your worst paper cut. Now imagine that paper cut talking incessantly about its gluten allergy. Meet my neighbor. Life advice: If you’re forty-five do not go on a trampoline I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single i also don't know why a future person would understand time travel but not twitter,, that's not the POINT folks TIME TRAVELER FROM THE FUTURE: elain twitter to me ME: sure just need three screenshots [my nana collapses in the street] "QUICK SOMEONE CALL " *a mime acts out using a phone* "No wait someone else-" *a bunch of paramedic mimes arrive out of nowhere and save my nana* "wow this is so amaz-" *a group of mimes in suits hand me a medical bill* "oh what the hell" Sure sex is great but have you ever stayed home all day on a weekend and done nothing at all When Liz Warren tells you how she’s going to solve a problem that’s called plansplaining. [extreme Backstreet Boys voice] Am I delusional ? MY FRIENDS BACKGROUND SINGING: Yeah, Yeah Free Names for Modern American Restaurants: - Birch and Salt - Garlic Transcendence - Basil and Twine - The Persimmon Grille - Spruce and Shiplap - The Castaway - Drag0nfrūt a Chinese character tattoo that means “cultural appropriation” ME: [constantly desperate for attention] ALSO ME: lol no not from u Lady: I just want my situation to be improved Joe Biden: Yes. I get it. Like if I called you Sweet Thing instead of Sugartits Lady: no, that’s not- Joe Biden: Listen up Sweet Thing we all gotta be willing to compromise I’ve spent my entire adult life chasing that high you got as a kid after wandering through the woods and finding a cool tree Max Landis has been a confirmed piece of shit for many years and I have lots of opinions but one of the best ways to make him pay is to make sure nobody forgets this tweet$$$ idea: tearaway pants, but like, the reverse. You can like just vaguely toss the pants at your legs and boom you’re wearing pants
“Whoops we accidentally gave the reparations to white banking executives, our bad, this is tricky”
her: you can’t wear crocs they don’t look cool me: hang on—
Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk* Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls Me: oh I’m not a cop lol
im a bitch / im a lover im hulk hogan / hey there brother
Is there something I can do about feelings or am I just stuck having them for the rest of my life?
Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at /11 ME: Yea CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at am ME: Are these questions Can’t understand zombie apocalypse survival media. How is everyone not just like “people are eating people we can’t watch tv or go to Taco Bell anymore time to kill our selves” I know I tweet about Pokémon blue a lot but remember this bitch who was willing to tell some strange child who just walked into her home that her daughter is self centered without being prompted Sucks that we really went with “selfie” just remembered I used to go out on weekends lol why I... what are the metrics for this Becoming the oldest person alive would suck because you couldn’t even rub your victory in the faces of the people you beat to get the title ‘Hunger Games’ Prequel Novel Coming In ? When the killer is a woman Floop is a madman help us save us I think I'll know that things in the industry have truly become equal when a WOMAN sits atop a crescent moon and drops a fishing line into the Dreamworks logo I freed him from the machine Please, my children. They are very obsolete Pop culture Innocent until proven canceled Thinking about surprising my husband with this for Dinomite Day Japan Bans Flying Drones While Drunk ? Me tryna find something in the Trader Joe's frozen section while three other people's baskets are pressing into my back ME: eh I’m not that into Vegas because I don’t gamble ALSO ME: -spends$35 on a claw machine because I moved the stuffed Donkey Kong’s leg up a little last time and I know I can get it this time-
Happy Father’s Day dad, I guess
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
taco bell employee: three forty is your change arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s
What..... why??????????
the selection of dipping sauces at this wake is exceptional
this fucked me up...
I'm sick of men's -in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
is this the intro to john mulaney’s next netflix special

Nobody: Sports Center: °•° | °•°
good evening my tits are ON FIRE
me at the school field trip to the zoo whispering “I’m sorry” to the dolphins
Why Stop At Truck Nuts? Introducing - The All-New Truck Schlong.
They need to rename hand sanitiser “dick stinger”
i woke up in a certified pre-owned bugatti
when two bananas from the same bunch are fuckin- this is know as an alabamana
Facts I def fuck better when I’m high
[to my cheese wheel friend after he just did me a huge favor] gouda man
ran out of mayonnaise again
just once i’d like to open the shower curtain to find hundreds of inch tall versions of myself scrambling around in the tub
[in an alternate universe where grapes are really big] me: yo what if grapes were really big
how do the cars fuck
hoping all nursing students ace their finals so they can all graduate and shut up
Sex is cancelled until we stop global warming
proposing in a rvca trucker hat is a vibe
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
the dispenser he scream
[bee movie except it's about cum] so, ya like jizz?
[holds ear to ground] a tiddy was here
[Jerry Seinfeld writing a joke about cum] Cum. Cum. What is this, cum? I'm already here! How can I cum if i'm already here. If anything they should call it go! I mean, what happens after you cum? YOU GO! I came and now i'm gonna go and then i'm gonna go.
My best friends bf maintains that the McDonald's secret menu allows you to order anything "All balled up" and they'll just hand it to you all balled up
Me: I'm , I'm not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me. Me around a year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[first time doing standup] ME: *struggling to climb onto the stage* isn't it wild how lasagna be cake
[jerking off a baguette] i'm gonna crumb
Ain’t clitoris that Nickelodeon show Ariana Grande was on?
ladies, next time he asks u to talk dirty just say “crunchatize me, cap’n” softly in his ear. lmk the results
Master race my fucking ass you could take down any KKK assembly with lactose and a packet of taco bell diablo hot sauce
.. just saying
how tf am I supposed to keep my man when there’s girls like this..
not just white girls with blonde hair....white girls with brown hair...ok diversity slay
only REAL water drinkers can tell the difference between water and piss
The Work of Director Justin Staggs - Music Video Reel Please RT and follow for the latest on my projects.
I just bought a dolphin on eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeBay.
station wagons > minivans
Have you even tried purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, my good bitch?
ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species. KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at .
I wonder what this watermelon did to her...
me: [imagining a train made of bamboo, traveling across a jungle] i’m excited her: panda eress is a chinese restaurant me: her: not a transportation system for pandas me: i’m less excited
almost done with grading all final projects and exams for classes! tonight, there will be whiskey.
Dear Words With Friends, is there some way I could see that one Luvs diaper ad more frequently? times an hour isn’t enough and I’m starting to consider buying some Luvs, even though I have absolutely no use for them. Thanks!
Morning would or morning wouldn’t. That is the question. - William Shakespeare
If you pee in the Matrix, you pee in the real world.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
when you wish upon a star... it accomplishes nothing. dead fucking nothing - Woke Jiminy Cricket
It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math
Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.
Proud to support the LGBTIQA+ community by attending Pride Minneapolis, but I will say that I am not a big fan of the visual of glitter, sweat and back-acne, commingling.
XXXL hockey jerseys are, by far, the best way of concealing Brobesity.
as a boy, Hans Christian Andersen used to flirt with girls by telling them he was secretly a faerie changeling and would offer them jobs as dairy maids in the castle he would one day own, and this is the level of confidence I aspire to in my dating life.
What do we really know about birds’ ability to leave the atmosphere and enter outer space? Absolutely nothing. Science, I’d like to posit the following: SPACE BIRDS.
heyy gurl, are u a Trader Joe’s parking lot? cuz u are lookin tight but ultimately not worth the stress.
Who decided to call it hardening of the arteries and not Fryabetes?
It would be cool if you could crossbreed Bassett Hounds with Mermaids. That way, their long, floppy ears could conveniently cover their nips for Disney content.
A Metal band of hypochondriacs called MEGADOSE.
ME: is it possible to be simultaneously smol AND thicc? PILSBURY DOUGH BOY: you bet your biscuits it is
If you’re having trouble kicking your junk food habit and sugary drinks, try replacing that pleasure with more healthy pleasures, like a walk through the forest or vandalizing a confederate statue.
Anyway- Here’s the opening to Cheers but with Pennywise the Clown hidden in every photograph.
Been listening to this while busting out some grunt work. Good motivation. Check out and his band or I'll neck kick you!
Shea butter is so great for making your tattoos bright and shiny but it is NOT THAT GOOD on toast, imho.
The first human sacrifice of summer solstice always makes me feel so pretty.
Keep your neighbors on their toes by mowing a giant pentagram into your lawn.
KURT COBAIN: a bermuda! a bahama! here we are now! pretty mama! yeah
the Office Depot is good but i still prefer the British Office Depot
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Who would like to go first? WIFE: He ripped my heart out! MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Please, let’s try and keep this civil. MOLA RAM: No, that’s accurate.
LITERARY THEORY: The Man With the Yellow Hat from Curious George is just a Mountie who fell in some paint.
I’m so present for Crawl.
Sugar is a poison.
I gave up sugar earlier this year, but sugar said it will never give up on me.
who decided to call it a thirst trap and not a Hoasis / Broasis?
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.
Pretty excited for the year , when I'll be just a head in a jar, stored inside a giant warehouse, quietly singing the harmony part to "The Boxer."
i hope this war with iran is over before barron is or he's gonna get bone spurs
ATTN Steak-Umm cult followers here are the guidelines to our new world order: - bless everyone even our idiot college intern steve - no hot pockets - saying "is it steak? umm.." may land you in the dungeon - beef memes are currency - RT everything so I can keep my job
Bless
It would elain a lot
really don’t wanna get political on here but Steak-umm is pretty good
According to Twitter's algorithm the fact that I follow translates into an interest in ?
don't misteak the finger pointing at the moon for the moon
I made this meme for u

I'M NOT AN INTERN BUT THANK YOU
and editing might not be the best, but here you go
Damn people really be out here trying to think of ways to subtly tag big Twitter accounts like and to try and get them to like their tweet lmao
do yourself a flavor and follow FLEX SEAL
Dunno if this has been done but oh well
Hey I’m all snuggled up in your beef sheets!
BREAKING NEWS: Similar to Final Fantasy XV's promotion with Cup Noodle, Final Fantasy VII Remake will have a similar feature where all Materia in the game will be replaced with different products.
Steak-umm
In the frozen food aisle and I see Steak-umm is on sale and I mention it to my wife. She proceeds to start singing the Steak-umm song. Couldn't be more proud, I made the right choice marrying this woman.
you didn't choose where you were born. you didn't choose your family or what happened to you growing up. you didn't choose your biological disposition or skills or flaws. you didn't choose most of what makes you, you. allow that to help you empathize with others Steak-umm bless
It's a comet wrapped in an asteroid that became a meteorite and landed on Antarctica. And then we looked at it with a big (old) . Sorta like when you stuff the turkey with a chicken and stuff the chicken with at Thanksgiving.
Folks, referred to me as queen and followed me. I CANNOT BE STOPPED.
Welcome to the party!
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[Last Supper] Jesus:"We need chairs please" Judas:"But chairs don't fall into common usage until the th century AD" Jesus:"AD?"
Film producer: You're a terrible scriptwriter. I disagree. Me:
When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die
Job interviewer: There is a gap in your résumé. Clive: I was in prison for years. Job interviewer: What did you do? Clive: Sat in my cell, mainly.
Genie: you have wishes, and before you say it, “unlimited wishes” is not a thing. Me: I wish it was Genie: yeah, well that’s- wait a min- YOU LOOPHOLE SONOFA
What?!!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else! Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises hour protection* Or else what?
Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: *remote control out of reach* I guess not.
Me: *first day as CEO of Netflix* Let's stop making Adam Sandler films.
[my mom as a operator] Well, that wasn't very smart, now was it?
HER: i’m just gonna hop in the shower real quick ME [concerned]: that sounds fairly dangerous, diane
Of all the typos I've seen on here, "terrorists synthesizer" is one of my favourite.
I like to think that they fight crime.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Oh I get it. Fun onions.
Man, the Ratatouille sequel is gonna be dark
Hello. My friend is doing this for someone who is very ill. If you are able to donate or share that would mean a lot
Doctor: "You have acute appendicitis." Me: *blushing* "Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients."
Just remembered when I was at school one of my friends told me that Hollywood make unrated cuts of all family films and that he saw a version of ET where he kills all the kids and gets a blowjob off the mum. He said he had it on VHS but couldn't show anyone.
Genie: what is your first wish Joe: i want to be rich Genie: granted. and what is your second wish Rich: i want lots of money
I genuinely hope I haven't ruined his birthday
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years] Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Welcome to Overthinking Club...or is it Overthinkers Club?
Me: I'm looking for a book about scientific theory of time travel. Librarian: Dude, you asked me this last week. Me: No.. I didn't..
[ riding into battle ] YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[sexting] He: What are your measurements? She: , , , , , , , , He: WTF She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
It was sweet and sour chicken (made with Quorn pieces as my mum is vegetarian). I don't think I've eaten sweet and sour sauce since.
To this day I don't why he didn't say he knew it was me or why he didn't tell me off.
When I got to college I told Phil what had happened and said I was sorry for blaming him. "Your dad saw you being sick though" Phil elained. "He got you to bed after."
"Did he eat the same thing you had for dinner? Because it looks an awful lot like what mum cooked last night." Quick as a flash I replied, "He had some of the leftovers when we got back from the pub." My dad mumbled something like okay and I got ready for college.
The next morning I woke up and could see my nan with a brush and a hose, cleaning it up. She looked mad. My dad asked if it was me that had been sick and I blamed it on my friend, Phil.
So, it's and it would've been my dad's birthday today but unfortunately he died about years ago. When I was I got so drunk that I threw up on the drive of my parents house. I didn't bother cleaning it up. I was drunk and it would've been pitch black outside.
Far away
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Boss to staff: "What incentives would make you work harder?" Staff member: "Bonus!" Boss: "I'm not boning any of you."
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife? Me: She told me to tell you it's fine
Anyone: I've tried pot a couple of times, but it's not for me. It gave me too many negative side effects Dude who really loves weed: no it didnt
Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Yes, why are they called porn stars and not coming attractions? Interviewer: I mean questions about the job...
Dear God, Should I die in a fiery plane crash, please make sure my phone perishes with me. Amen
A community shred event but just for parents and we bring all our kids’ art.
[Nature documentary] Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height. Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?
I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.
Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"?
Friend: I don’t like these new food trends. Today every sandwich comes with aioli Me: Your sandwich has nipples?
Flash tweet call Im nearly at K followers, a huge thank you and much love to my followers and twitter fam send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit
Me: can I get a inch sub? Naval officer: ok, but they're usually a lot bigger
*dips antidepressant in ranch dressing*
followers!! This calls for a TWEET CALL: Fun fact: there are almost ,000 elevens in Thailand. Reply with -2 tweets about ANYTHING that you could find at a .
ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species. KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at .
Wanted to take a nude selfie but I couldn't figure out how to switch from Portrait to Landscape mode
A professional gymnast is a Jamesnast
Her: What are you making for dinner? Me, reaching for a fifth pot: a mess
ME: we have a problem, Karen invited us to a Coldplay concert HER: nice I love Coldplay ME: ok we have problems
I can easily find trouble. It's on the shelf in the basement next to Pictionary and Scrabble.
waiter at an italian restaurant: miss would you like to order off the menu? me, stuffing olives i found in a large jar behind the servers counter: more olibes plese
Can you die from sitting on the floor playing with your dog, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you could die from it.
I once found a deflated "Get Well Soon" balloon in a graveyard and there's never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Shout Out Saturday Do you follow an account that is quite different from your "brand" but you enjoy the hell out of it anyway? Give it a shout out here. One of my faves is
my roommate is always like cooking meals or whatever and i’m always like haha mind if i sneak in here and combine my one week old rice with my two day old rice to create the perfect fourish day old rice also can i borrow your hot sauce
Slicing up a watermelon for the kids and eating a few pieces as I go along until I realize I ate the whole thing.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's very serious. We're going to have to perform a colectomy. ME: Wh-what does that mean? DOCTOR: It means removing part of your colon. ME. Oh no!
[picks up scalp massager] me: what’s this thing store clerk: that’s a head scratcher me: take your time
[first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing*
{animal dies in a movie} this is the saddest thing I've ever seen {robot dies in a movie} omg it's just a robot why am I crying {human dies in a movie} lmao bye bitch
I have brain damage & the worst sense of direction. Whenever I get lost, I start talking to the prettiest girl I can find so my wife will suddenly show up to take me home
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life eectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee...
People think social anxiety isn’t that serious, like you can’t die of thirst because you answered “no, I’m fine” every time you were offered water when you stayed at a friend’s house for a week.
Nothing more embarrassing than finding out getting on your knees for Jesus is *not what you think it is than at your first Youth Group.
Pirate Pete’s TWEET CALL Link ONE inappropriate tweet for possible RTs and likes by Pete’s Pirate Crew who will each choose a winner. Ends pm EST
When God shuts a door he opens a window. And turns off the lights. There’s food in the fridge. He'll be home by . Don't touch that thermostat!
Me: I came in like a wrecking ball Bowling Alley Attendant: Sir, that's a bowling ball- and other people have to use those finger holes
Fuck nudes, send her some clothes before she catches a cold
TWEET CALL I somehow managed k followers, so let’s do a tweet call. Send me your favorite tweets about raccoons, horse cannons, or Gil!
me: I think my hippo might be dying vet: sir, that's a really really fat horse me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
ME: Will you text me when you get home so I know you're okay UBER DRIVER: No
i can be the new elon musk if you anyone wants. let me know. i know what mars looks like, etc. also if anyone knows of any part time graphic design jobs let me know. let me know
My new IUD is also a Keurig
ICE CHECKPOINT At the intersection of Vineland and Sherman Way up to Tujunga and Sherman Way. Alert who you need to. Please be safe out there, friends.
SHIT yeah!!!
And now, a special in memoriam for the Lorax Tree of La Jolla.
really looking forward to multitasking in a fast-paced environment this weekend
could you imagine reading my sample pilot
moon’s done
coworker: how’s it going me: i’m annoyed coworker: yeah lotta deadlines me: what? oh work. oh yeah no i don’t think about work at all coworker: you’re at work right now me: what
i feel big guilt and shame and convince myself i’m not good enough whenever i think about promoting anything i create! anyway i wrote a sample pilot for you to read!
how does THIS guy get a meeting with nbc
just watched toy story . i’m sorry but i’m having a hard time suspending my disbelief for the outtakes. are these actors or are they playing themselves. i’m sorry. i had some problems with it. and the little tiny boom mic. sorry. i was really on board until this part of the film
just overheard my big boyfriend saying “my girlfriend’s kind of a weird guy”
Here are several recent and actual (completely undramatized) dialogues between me and Technology Itself. thank you …
"My friend made it. I have no idea why she did it." Introducing: The clam chowder popsicle.
as soon as someone reads it, it’ll be over for someone. probably me! not gonna stop doing this so probably mute this shit now
just a heads up everyone is in their late s after they turn . even year olds and especially you year olds. years old? you’re
shit yeah!
basketball became an app today. am i getting this right
i am my own rep. thank you.
i’m the self-appointed ambassador of burbank residents who have lived there for years
i wrote a good original pilot for you to read. i've been told it's good. it's good? it's called bad design, it's good, it's a design agency workplace comedy, it takes place in a single room, lotta powerpoints, bad design, good. i wrote it? it's good for you to read. thank you.
saying “welcome to work” to my fellow employees throughout the workday
got a cool car? i don’t like it!
vigorously blowing my nose in direct sunlight
i'm drinking PEA MILK! are you kidding me with this! get outta here! what's next. i start drinking putting the biggest profiteers of environmentally harmful industries away? haha. what's next in PRISON? haha get me outta here
pole dancing is sexy because it looks like the pole dancer is flying all around in the air if i don't focus on the pole
we're canceling shark week because we just found out that they're real, and also super mean! sorry everyone wow
s: little angel s: little mama s: little girl s: little teacher s: young babe s: was there music during this time -2018don't recall anything at all from this period i bet this couldve been a pretty good joke
what i have against new england, a thread:
a thumbs up is more effective than any middle finger. double thumbs up is considered an energetic attack
me? i’m not binging any shows. i’ve been (my coworkers back away) i’ve just been reading (my coworkers put in their headphones) i’m indulging in a more classic pastime by (my boss wheels me into the server room) i’ve simply chosen instead to enjoy a good book
hey dude i think i might be getting sick. could you be feel my face for me, as a friend. touch my neck. could you be a sweetheart and smell my breath for me dude
elevator men are so nice. they’re always allowing me on to their elevator first so i can be the one to hold the elevator door for them and press all their floor buttons according to their dictated specifications
responding to all my job rejection emails with “i don’t even remember who you are i was fucked up when i applied to this” and then a few weeks later with “so how’s your tuesday going.” this is how you play the game people. does anyone have some rent they can give me
training my big boyfriend to introduce himself as “tara’s big boyfriend”
sending an email to myself over and over with just the word "email" in it so that my phone learns to stop putting a dash between the e and the mail inside the word email which is spelled email
will the sun ever shine on our ass again
i don’t mind seeing celebs i grew up with get older. crank up that olsen age
Just had an idea for a cool new comic book
Sending you all chill vibez
The rest of the song sucks but you can’t tell me that the chorus from Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be” isn’t an all time classic chorus
I added drums to that cat playing a drum solo in its sleep.
years later and this song still “slaps”
My wife does not give a shit about the celebs
“Um hello I’d like a pizza pls” lol can you even imagine
After the first few minutes of every episode of the X-Files, when the monster or spooky thing that the episode is about gets revealed, I turn to my wife and say “that’s...weird.” She loves it
I don’t care if it was Andre I woulda told him to stfu with the flute
Every movie producer when asked if they can spare some of the budget to make a realistic looking family photo: NO
Eventually they will remake Back to the Future and the time machine will be a PT Cruiser
This Hot Pocket sleeve says “crisp and carry” as if anyone who eats one is walking around brandishing it proudly while eating it, instead of finding a dark empty alley to eat it where no soul can see, like I’ll be doing
My friend’s dog got out in Northern Brooklyn last night near Grand and Graham and they’re distraught looking for him. His name is Buddy. Can you keep your eye out for him if you’re local? Thank you!
Wwow, thats’ pretty crazey
If you’re reaching out to a company’s customer service, even if you’re unhappy about something, BE NICE. Do not verbally abuse these people. Chances are they personally aren’t responsible for the issue you’re contacting them about. It’s fine to vent but take it easy.
COP:Ur husband was drafting a tweet when the car crashed. It said "bear astronaut" WIFE:*weeping*It sounds like it wouldve been really funny
ME: [presses play on an HBO show] HBO: Here are ads for a bunch of new shows that we’ll cancel after seasons
With the amount of money it costs to go see a movie in theaters nowadays you should also get a voucher for a free copy of that movie when it gets released digitally. This has been the musings of an old man.
I’ve now done this for a full year. It’s been fun but I think I’m gonna stop now, hope you liked them
I took one second of video every day for the month of May. Here they all are.
Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have tacos.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years] Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
[oyster gets to heaven] aww hell yea, that’s a nice gate, what’s it made of
Let me save you some time. The answer to every Buzzfeed quiz is "You're lonely."
Some people probably wouldn't eat tacos and a crispy chicken sandwich at :00, but those people's wives probably aren't out of town.
How To Be A Parent Step : have a child Step : your guess is as good as mine
life wasn’t supposed to be this hard I didn’t realize how much effort would go into just keeping my hands moisturized not to mention the relentless onslaught of soul shattering hardship lol
business management text book Chapter : Don’t Say “Whatchya Got There” To Your Coworker’s When Theyre Eating Their Lunch
Congratulations seniors. The easy part is over, now you can just work until you die.
Wife [walking into room]: OMG HAVE YOU BEEN FARTING IN HERE?!? Me: I feel like you already know the answer to this.
ME: "Uncle Mark" is too formal. Call me "the fun uncle" ha ha NEPHEW: I'll call you Uncle Shirt because you leave your shirt on in the pool
You: Help! I’ve been shot! Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[Outside the Tastee-Freez] John Cougar Mellencamp’s friends: come on dude just eat it normal
I'm fine, I'm fine... you just got me right in the nads... ... Jesus Christ...
SAMUEL L. JACKSON AS A POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: does he look like a bitch
DARTH VADER: I am your father LUKE: Buy me some jeans then DV: *reluctantly hands over money* ...You better actually buy jeans with this
Ur punk rock band name is your fav cuss word and whatever you hate most in life/the universe. You may add article/preposition/conjunction.
Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
sorry I’m late I didn’t realize life would be so hard
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You vs the guy she told you not to worry about
Teach a man to fish, and he will devise stories of a whale god, obsession, loss, madness.
[waking up from a nap] me: if I took another nap it would be closer to bedtime
me trying to be cool and normal talking to the cashier leaving CVS
[doing any part of my job] This is the part of the job I hate
I'm pretty sure the waitress digs me. -every guy who has ever had a waitress, ever
Went to my son's school today and he told the kid next to him "my dad is the best dad in the whole universe" and I was like yeah take that news back to your lame ass dad kid
yeah sex is cool but have you ever had horses in the back
every fetus I’ve heard of knows the cure to cancer and yet when the baby arrives it doesn’t know shit smh someone lying
Make no mistake - a state that criminalizes abortion but ranks th in public education doesn’t give a shit about children.
I wish republicans would just give weed and sex a chance i feel like if they just try it they’ll understand how unchill they’ve been
When I was I saw a girl choke on a mozzarella stick in the cafeteria and the first thought I had was “damn how did I miss the mozzarella sticks”
Me at : I can't wait to see what amazing things are waiting for me as an adult! Me at : Pretty excited about this new spatula.
Serving size suggestion: /2 cup Me: No.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I just opened up my wireless internet router and well looky here, a bunch of fucking wires
Ah, yes, the moderate approach to our inevitable extinction will motivate people to vote for sure.
I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE A HANDBASKET

ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
WIFE: was the zoo fun? ME: yep WIFE: promise you didnt steal a penguin [giraffe pokes its head through bedroom window] ME: I did not steal a penguin
Marty like it's my birthday, gonna sip Bacardi like it's my birthd—what’s that officer? I don't care how early it is… No I will not put my trousers back on
COLONEL: cheetos EMPLOYEE: what? COLONEL: [banging desk] finger lickin’ cheetos EMPLOYEES: yes…yes sir COLONEL: lol I’m so high right now
Somebody call ChildLine.
was the farm full of alien ants or was the entire ant farm an alien
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest weakness? ME: I take things too literally INTERVIEWER: can you eand? ME. externally no, but internally my blood vessels are able to in order to get more blood to my heart when my temperature increases
I have one. …
Instinctive reactions I have: • Putting my hand to my face when I sneeze • Flinching when someone scares me • Smiling when I’m happy • Yawning when somebody else yawns Instinctive reactions I do not have: • Physically assaulting women by grabbing their necks
Screw you guys, this is a great joke
Everyone is saying it’s the longest day today but I’m pretty sure the longest day is Wednesday.
Spider-Man: Homescrubbing
It's so warm today, I'm considering telling everyone I support Boris Johnson just for the cold stares.
Let’s play a fun game. Post your credit card number, eiry date and -digit security code below and I’ll post a gif that sums up your personality!
Suffering from anxiety or depression? Try new Cheer Up™ Solve ALL your problems with ease by 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹! And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™
ME: [holding newborn son] my surname or yours? WIFE: how about double-barrelled ME: good idea, leave it with me [years later] SON: dad why is my name Brad Shotgun?
artists make terrible soldiers because they draw enemy fire thank you for reading
Here’s a thread for words of emotions that people feel but can’t elain
<) )╯ / \ Don't you wish your girlfriend \ ( (> / \ had teeth like me? <) )> / \ Denture?
STRANGE BUT TRUE: The average human only has one testicle.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event* wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[reaching into shark’s mouth for a can of coke] Oh no
[couple arguing] MAN: I'm the breadwinner in this family Susan! WIFE: Oh don't give me that MAN: It's tru– [suddenly surrounded by s of ducks]
CEO: Jim. I've called you into my office because I'm quite concerned. You seem very sluggish recently SNAIL: My home has been repossessed
All those who adopt German children raise their Hans
ME: [shouting after her] What about Heaven-Eleven?
If I got home to my wife and said, “Work’s going great, only % of people want me sacked and arrested”, she would think I‘d have completely lost it.
I'd like to wish a Happy to our milkman from years ago.
When’s Chair Day? …
[marketing conference] SPEAKER: to really make it in this industry, you need have a thick skin SKELETON: [getting up at the back] fuck this
SEE YOU LATER (2019) in theaters this Halloween.
"Actually, I think you'll find they're escaping down the stairs," said the prison guard, condescendingly.
Happy birthday to Twitter’s resident poet laureate, . It’s a crime not to follow his rhymes.
TRIGGER HAPPY And they cried, it’s not the guns that kill people, it’s the people, as the bodies piled up, through each shameful sequel. And each defender of the gun laws, with the death count getting bigger, may as well have had their own finger on the trigger.
Board game idea: BONOPOLY: like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
Here's a poem about the problems caused when a mathematical concept takes over a poem.
Here's a new poem called "At the Intersection", which I have written in the form of a venn diagram.
Here is a new poem entitled "Refugees". Please bear with it.
[FRAT BATHROOM] BOY: yeah it’s a little dirty in here but i’m a clean person all us brothers are RAT USING URINAL: that’s true we all pitch in
thinking about how the lady sitting next to me on the plane was trying to make small talk and asked me where i was flying to
i’m very sorry to every guy i’ve accidentally ghosted because the thought of physically opening your message seemed like too much effort to me
i’m obsessed with pi’erre bourne now this album goes HARDDDD
me and this vending machine are very similar in the fact we both are basically empty inside, and what is there, is honestly pretty mediocre
inspired all my tweets tonight she deserves some clout
i’m cold my friend is hot gunna sew us together call that homieostasis
the natural progression of a man tweeting
who called it catnip and not meowijuana
nick jonas is foot i never want to hear a short man complain again
stop trying to chat with me in the pool bathroom can’t you see i’m taking bikini pics
as of today i have OFFICIALLY LOST ALL THE WEIGHT I GAINED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE !!!!!! IN A HEALTHY WAY!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHH BOYYYYY
i lost my favorite pair of running shoes three months ago and i just found ONE of them (JUST THE ONE) in my trunk and now i'm even MORE angry
english majors.... *clears throat* [logic voice] who can relate!
this boy and i have perfectly compatible charts... it's written in the (co)stars...
i-
what is my dad trying to say here........ is this a threat
i actually have food poisoning but hangover was funnier
trying to elain to the tsa agent that i’m both an english major AND a whore for a good story as he rummages through my backpack looking for drugs because ‘no year old reads this much’
i can’t believe i got stopped at tsa for knowing how to read. thank god i can’t do math i’d probably still be in texas right now.
might go sit in the tesla at the mall to feel something again
you really can’t get excited if you think i’m flirting with you because i unintentionally flirt with EVERYONE. i accidently flirted with my MOM yesterday
Murder On Your Mind? Not anymore YNW Melly, listen to Rocky's Summer Playlist to really set your mind at ease.
SHE’S HERE!!!! have you ever wanted to Big Chill so hard that you, yourself, actually BECAME the vibe? now you can - for three whole hours IT’S SUMMERTIME BABY
are there too many random stabbings in YOUR city? try rocky’s summer playlist
everything’s bigger in texas! especially my hangover
[YELLING OVER KNOCKING] SORRY OFFICER I CAN'T OPEN UP WITHOUT AT LEAST TWO GLASSES OF WINE
i’ll live tweet my mental breakdowns without a second thought but i draw the LINE at my mom finding out my crush’s name
MY FLIGHT GOT DELAYED LIKE TIMES BUT NOW I GET TO HANG W MY GIRL IN DALLAS TN
ok i’m going back to america tomorrow so it’s officially time to say goodbye to rocky (abroad) and hello to rox and roll </3 :’) also new pro pic don’t bully me
We stan on Instagram too
ALSOOOOO if you want to see more of these pretty pretty travel pics my insta is roxandrolll!!!!! i be postin over there too
hey sorry i accidentally texted you “i miss you” yesterday. that wasn’t the real me i was on like cups of coffee
lucky me
i have a tattoo that says “clap for yourself” which i feel is pretty self elanatory so the next time someone asks me what it means i’m gonna tell them it’s about manually infecting yourself with gonorrhea
someone just walked into this laundry mat as i was crying about all the money i just lost and i deadass embodied the SPIRIT of this girl
apologies to all my snap friends who get nothing but hand pics for up to three days after i get my nails done
Gender neutral guide Fireman = Firefighter Policeman = Policefighter Mailman = Mailfighter Fisherman = Fisherfighter
me when Thriller comes on: *stands up and takes off my hat* friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem
[desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats
Me: I think Sally the Camel had an aggressive form of cancer Kids at the library: *go silent while one starts crying* Lady With A Guitar: How about a different song?
Them: PLASTIC STRAWS ARE BAD FOR THE ENVIROMENT! Me: YEAH! *uses a funnel*
It was at that moment Dorothy knew the wizard would not be able to get her home
Son: What's that? Me: A Toblerone Son: Can I have a piece? Me: No, it has alcohol in it
OFFICER: We need an EMT, there’s a body in the pumpkin field SERGEANT: Call dispatch OFFICER: Ok, there’s a body in the pumpkin patch
drank a Bang Energy and a White Claw and now I'm the fourth Powerpuff girl
*wakes up tomorrow and Bitcoin is now Biffcoin* *shaking my fist at the sky* MCFLY!!
i’ll be honest he doesn’t look that live
Does anyone know anything about drones? Bought this from a guy last night and I can’t get it to take off...
Q: This toilet is also a camera Bond: umm
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life eectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee...
Using science to open the gates of hell
Jed: Mr. Drysdale said we should get a sports car so I made us some alterations Granny:... Audience: *laughter and applause*
Me: *yelling over car alarm* IS THAT YOUR CAR? Guy Trying To Open Car Door: *runs away* Owner of Car: *runs up, turns off alarm* Thanks, that was clo- Me: *gets nose to nose* your alarm woke me up from my nap, you piece of shit
When a child and fawn meet.
the Office Depot is good but i still prefer the British Office Depot
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options: . Stay together forever . Break up No pressure.
Imagine if humans built homes with their mouths like birds do
[buying a new car] CAR SALESMAN: this one comes fully loaded. It even has tinted windows. ME:*nods* so they can’t see you crying
[creating humans] God: a brain, so they’ll be able to make smart and rational decisions. Angel: ok God: and a heart, so they can fall in love with each other. Angel: ok..and they’ll be able to use both at the same time right? God: lmao oh hell no
[in therapy where I literally pay someone to listen to me talk] Therapist: do you want to talk about it? Me: no
Me: struggles with mental health, has trouble making rent, unanswered calls from mom, can't find cat Also me: I should start dating again
[in the middle of a depressive episode] Me: keep a routine. Take your meds. Practice self care. Brain: eat some bread Me: what, no, we’re gonna go to therapy Brain:[voice turns dark] Ɇ₳₮ ₳ ₩ⱧØⱠɆ ⱠØ₳₣ Ø₣ ฿ⱤɆ₳Đ
[depressed, broke, eating like shit, haven’t opened my mail since January] Me: I should get a new tattoo
[starbucks barista] how can I help you today? [my therapist, shouting from a distance] nobody can help him
Hi, I’m Brad. I haven’t read a book since high school and vote republican because that’s what my parents did. I’m not really sure where girls pee from, and think labia and vagina are the same thing. Anyway here’s how your uterus and periods work and why this isn’t an abortion ban
Made a list of classes more helpful than algebra: starting a new roll of tape class filing taxes class saying “no” class dishwasher loading class choosing a candidate class animal husbandry
Me [pulling weeds]: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t be mad at me I’m sorry
Why are some white guys in my industry so silent about the horrific detention centers and ICE raids, but yet were in my DMs about how they have a thing for latinas and have always been a fan of my culture? A fan you say? You should be doing the MOST right now
In hell you have to spend eternity with people who ask if your tattoos mean anything.
[ asteroid approaching earth ] me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango
[me, talking to someone else] you’re so brave for making changes in your life. Who cares if you hit a few bumps along the way. Mistakes are human and that’s how we learn. [me, talking to me] you better be fucken perfect at this right away or I swear to god
[on a tiny planet in a huge galaxy racing through an infinite universe] everyone saw me push that pull door and now they’ll think about it all day and laugh at me specifically
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning? BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life ME: ...so that’s a no
"How much for the solution to all my problems?" 'Sir, that's a coffin.'
Butler: what would you like to do today sir Me: I wish to die, Wesley Butler: very well sir. Will that be before or after lunch? Me: what's for lunch? Butler: macaroni and cheese, sir Me: with the bacon bits? Butler: yes sir Me: Me: after lunch, then
When the killer is a woman
being a woman is like “yeah i got verbally assaulted today in broad day light on the street but it’s nowhere near as bad as the sexual assault i eerienced at the hands of my former boss for years so it’s fine lmao”
Hey guys, I make art and I set up a thing where you can buy happy huggy heart products if you feel like it or not it’s up to you really but yeah ok here it is thanks bye
I don’t know about you, Isabelle, but if you go into a stranger’s tent on the first night someone might think you’re trolling for dick
Ben Shapiro, self-proclaimed master debater, has taken the bold position of “not being a racist is an impossible standard to meet.”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for decades and it's like a father to me
Brain: sup? Me: not much Brain: trying to get some sleep? Me: yup Brain: cool Me: yup Brain: so you think you'll stay single forever or what
My s: *drinks all the drinks, does all the drugs, has all the sex. My s: *sits on the couch until it's no longer too early to go to bed
i spilled coffee all over myself in my therapists waiting room which is nice bc it actually saves me my opening line of “i’m not doing so hot”
me when my friend reaches for another slice of cake: look at you!! you are living your best life! me to myself when I reach for another slice of cake: honestly? you disgust me.
Good morning to everyone except, & I can’t stress this enough, people who don’t immediately point out dogs the second they see them
I love that part of Twitter today is “kid uses n-word willfully and egregiously and records himself doing so but since he can’t go to Harvard now we should feel bad for him.” Lemme just say on behalf of my entire black American lineage...LOL. Suck a dick.
Andre : Hey! alright now! alright now, fellas! Fellas: YEA? Andre : Now, what’s cooler than bein cool? Fellas: ICE COLD! Andre : I can't hear ya! I say what's, what's cooler than being cool? Me, from the back: RESPECTING WOMEN!
The only way to defeat the patriarchy is to swipe right on guys holding giant fish, then send them your nudes but cover the good parts with the words I’M A SOCIALIST, BITCH
I’m renovating my mom’s new home everybody say good job Roy
i’m watching Hackers for the first time, a thread:
A pack of llamas is called a cria. A pack of camels is why your dad left.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[Thread] My boss made a comment today along the line of "I don't get how women can complain about how they get treated when they do shit like this." I turned around and to see what he was talking about, and he was looking at a thumbnail of a profile pic of a woman on LinkedIn.
ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The only thing worse than paying $9 for a greeting card is paying$9 for a greeting card for a -year-old’s birthday party.
We’re done here.
The left lane is for passing only. Unless you’re in Florida, then you can do whatever you want in there. Send a text. Take a nap. Do your taxes. Start a family. Nobody cares!
me, not a dad: i’m gonna have a dedicated game room with a big screen, bar, and pool table me, now a dad: if i’m lucky i can sneak my ipad into the guest bathroom
If you ever wondered what it's like to have a stalker just cancel Sirius XM radio.
If you need attention, just ask for it. You don’t have to wear converse with your formal dress.
[medusa's husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises eing my entire stomach* cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
God, grant me the tenacity of a Facebook mom promoting her cbd oil business.
Before Pinterest I used to drink out of cups instead of various sized jars.
Who called it a butt crack and not a bottom line?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion] ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My yo demanded cheesecake for breakfast but since I’m the adult I had no choice but to use my car and my debit card to take us to the nearest bakery.
year old: i love you me: i love you too : ok but i was talkin to mom
I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.
Each year on Father’s Day my dadbod molts to reveal an even daddier bod.
Hope I get a chore list cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.
I hope my husband likes his Father's Day present and also the twelve things I bought for myself while shopping for it.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.
ME: *does a thing* WIFE: [one year later] WIFE: i’ve been meaning to talk to you about that time you did that thing
My kid and I like to play this fun game where she says something I don’t understand, and then I have to guess what she’s talking about until we’re both crying.
I wonder if in Hawaii for kicks on Fridays offices do “regular shirt” day.
Get your dad what he really wants for Father’s Day by not spending $9 on a greeting card. “Yep.” - me trying my hardest to make small talk me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES My yo remembers in elicit detail when she was barely and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something. The jocks from high school are fat now, the nerds are rich, the goth kids are accountants with sensible family sedans, and the DJs are still DJs. Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up.... We don’t need this many DJs. Just sitting here pondering the sacred mystery of my frozen meal - an enigmatic substance that is % sodium and also not salty enough COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one? ME: no thanks i'm on a diet CW: are you sur- M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE Click on the pictures that contain trees from the [some latin word] species Type these words: ᵗ𝔴ό ώØŘᵈⓢ I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human. It’s past now, think I’m on some sort of bender is this what partying in Ibiza feels like? am I raver? NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time Every time I see a hot chick driving a big pick-up truck I think to myself her pussy must be really small So I said “What about Signs with Mel Gibson?” She said “I think I remember that film and- The aliens ran through a dewy wet corn field” And I said “Well there’s the hole in that plot” Bwaaa dada da da dooo me: [in tears, writing a song for my crush] crush: omg thanks Brad will LOVE this Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker? Me: I don’t even like spending more than$10 on a haircut
Kid: If the dinosaurs were still here they'd kill all the people. Me, watching plastic pollution slowly destroy the earth: They still might.
I am barely breathing But I just climbed stairs Don’t know why I’m wheezing Sir, can I use your chair?
[spits out Mountain Dew] this tastes NOTHING like mountain
[desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats
ME: Be still, my beating heart! HEART: OK. ME: *dies*
If Pierce Brosnan and Guy Pearce married he‘d be Pierce Pearce
her: I can’t do this anymore! when is this going to be over?! me: you don’t have to be so pushy obstetrician: actually she does
[Tattoo Parlor] Me: Hi, I'd like to get a tattoo on my calf. Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: *proudly* I've lost a lot of weight. Nephew: Oh cool. What size bra do you wear now? Me: Nephew: Me: Is this really how you wanna find out you were adopted?
[swimming lesson] instructor: try doing back stroke me: ekorts instructor: get out
Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:
friend: you need to stop eating chips me: listen I know they’re not the best for me but I’ll live how I want Casino security: seriously, stop
WAFFLE HOUSE EMPLOYEE: I know we're open hours but it's been days, please leave ME: [gazes out window and locks eyes with the wolf that's been patiently stalking me for weeks] ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks
HER: You're so emotionally limited ME: That really hurts my feeling
[courtroom] WALDO'S LAWYER: *looking at watch* god damn it where is he
gary is short for "garbage"
genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish my dog could talk genie: done me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes
[extremely loudly] dome hepot
friend: what are you smiling about my brain: lol pinnie the whooh me: nothin
Me: I told dad to google this place so we didn’t end up in some spooky ghost town Her: *whispering* cemetery, honey Priest: would anyone else like to share?
[training a new coworker] him: why are we going outside me: *lacing up sneakers* We can poop behind the building
[first day as a waiter] me: *trying to grind dr pepper onto someone's plate* say when
Some people call me the snacks cowboy Some call me the gangster of fudge Some people call me ‘more eats’ Melting cheese into a tasty queso sludge
me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*
me: you’re dumping me? her: you can’t keep my name straight r e me: but a g r t I love you! m a her: that’s not my name
And I’ve got one boob in my pocket, and the other one’s giving a peace sign
her: not what i meant by wrap it up before sex me: oh good the bow is cutting off my circulation
I call my son ‘the clitoris’ when we play hide and seek because I can never find him
Ladies. I’m looking for a woman who will SUCK MY DICK S - pend time with me U - nderstand me C - are about us K - eep me close M - iss me when I’m gone Y - ell my name D - efine our relationship goals I - nspire me C - herish me K - iss my penis with her mouth
diner: my complements to the chef waiter: yes these scarves are just what his outfit needs.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[carving a shiv out of a plastic spoon] Me: so what are you in for? Her: I signed up for this pottery class just like you
me: *pounding on son's locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house son: no it isn't, you have a mortgage so it's the bank's house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn't have gotten him those personal finance books
hold me closer bryan cranston count the fed lights on the highway u went from malcolm in the middle to cooking meth like rachel ray
if you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear
When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die
when i was a kid and heard of power rangers for the first time before seeing any commercials for it, i thought it was a show about a group of highly skilled park rangers that went around stopping poachers and forest fires
eedia: would u like to buy trip insurance? me: no thanks eedia: are u sure? over people protected their trips today me: i'm good eedia: sheryl m. from seattle recovered the full value of her trip after getting sick me: stop eedia: if u don't buy this u will die
i'm really not that special. i put my condom on one leg at a time, just like you
gonna take my stepmom to the old town road
I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it
I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and
in case it was unclear
the top of the "t" in "hat" is there as an example
why did i find a painting of ed sheeran at the van gogh museum
It has been ,950 years since the REAL summer of .
[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks] ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ
damn, not me AGAIN?
and why is he wearing that hat
Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait.
Me: if you love someone set them free Wife: where’s the baby?
Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If you're gonna bring me a sienna crayon, it better be burnt, motherfucker.
I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup
Pointing was reduced by % with the introduction of the words "left" and "right."
If you need me, I'll be busy legally changing my name to "Brooks Pounders."
dong
Alyssa Milano fuckin yet?
Why, on this- the day of my daughter's wedding- do you come into my house and accuse me of having "clown butt?"
You picked a hell of a time to get existential on my ass, Denise.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Walmart of cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*
* * . * . * . * . * i f u c k e d . * * . * t w o j o s h e s *. *. * . * i n . a w e e k *. * . . * i n * .
So do jedi have to pay for their own cloaks or do they just kind of get one free when they start paying union dues?
I’m absolutely bewildered by the decisions to let actors in “Chernobyl” speak in Cockney rhyming slang, and to feature Big Ben in the background of almost every shot.
I typed 'Hollywood' into my GPS and it said "you'll never make it."
"A Norwegian island" thinks an awful lot like a hippie named Josh that I went to college with.
[madonna papa don’t preach voice] pompano beach
No, that would be Singles.
The Monroe Doctrine was first introduced by the Kennedy administration in and laid out JFK's intention to "bang Marilyn Monroe like a kettle drum."
Me: [screaming] You: [screaming] All of us: [screaming] Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit
Tried to spice up my sex life by dipping my dong in caramel & rolling it in peanuts like a Payday bar, but I was attacked by birds, had to go the hospital, and am no longer welcome at PetSmart.
apparently dogs evolved to communicate with their eyebrows like people. idk the specifics i ran out of free articles so i just know what the headline says
*turns on radio, hears static* I love Sonic Youth!
No, no, you don't understand... I was only acting Very Horny Online™ ironically!
Disappointed that the weight loss app I'm using doesn't know how many calories are in rubbing alcohol.
Dick Cheney is the only person who watches Chernobyl and roots for the radiation.
Drake at Raptors parade: ok, here's a little song I just wrote to celebrate the championship, it's called... "Hotline Bling"
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. 'Delicious,' she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The battle cry of a Twitter narcissist: …
Cantelope: It's Antelope You Put In Your Mouth... In A Can!™
"Always ignore the first D and the nd E." -excerpt from "The Rules of English According To The Person Who Created The Word Wednesday"
This isn't ominous at all.
Cover of Bad Brains' "Pay To Cum".
I left this up only because liked it. .
If there's a Tournament Of Emily's, my support is squarely behind . Tough shit, Hermione. Get lost, Earhart.
For someone as terrified of a robot uprising as I am, I sure have a lot of vibrators.
The Greek hero Agamemnon was known for his hilarious, out-of-left field statements in conversation: aka Agamemnon-sequiturs.
My Uncle Frank has been estranged from our family for many years. Phone calls became less & less frequent in the early 's, when he moved out west chasing the neon boom.
[teaching proper condom usage] me: ok so you put it in your wallet and leave it there for years
little piggy: wee wee wee daddy piggy: ffs I asked you before we left
Me: *lifting my shirt to reveal the limerick tattooed on my lower back* well, I guess the joke’s on me Her: Me: Her: what rhymes with “divorce”
The best part of waking up is surrealism in your melting cup
doc: the good news is you’re dying me: omg wtf is the bad news then doc: it’s going to be an excruciatingly long time from now
[Nature documentary] Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height. Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?
anyone need help opening a pickle jar?
if the angel of death is a cow the very last thing you'll see will be the uddertaker
uck
Hi! Hello. Happy Sunday! Whilst we’re chatting, can I suggest that you follow because she’s brilliantly funny and you won’t regret it. Cool, thanks
wiccan and juggalo are the same thing. they just announced it on the News
Friend: If I gave you a million dollars, would you kill... Me: *interrupting* yes.
Nobody: Girl holding crystals that she bought at urban outfitters: IT’S SPELLED MAGICK!!
TWEET CALL!!! It seems by some miracle I’ve managed to make it to k followers. So drop you’re favorite tweet from somebody under k for guaranteed likes and RTs and loving and all that good stuff!
after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her. she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me
Sunny D tastes like the tears of a kid who just wanted real orange juice.
Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon
I crafted two golems out of gold to help around the house and care for the children. They're an au pair.
[first day driving in the UK] *flickering a cigarette butt, hitting my passenger in the face*
[PROVERB OF THE DAY] Sticks and stones may break my bones, but dropping a hippo onto my head would be far more effective.
Calories in one pistachio: Calories burned opening one pistachio: ,753 Take that, kale.
Psst. If you don't have any problems I'm willing to create one just for you. - me, flirting
birds signing in the trees to cater to the deaf
When the disciples ate Jesus’ body it was a miracle. When I do it, I'm a "cannibal" and “need to be locked up”
My grandma caught me making a sex joke at her church bake sale so I hastily made up a fake innocent meaning for the slang phrase in it...anyway, sorry in advance to anyone she may ask to run a train on her famous elderberry muffin.
Are you an introvert? See those ants in your kitchen? Follow them home, observe their underground fortress, build your own, sneak into peoples kitchens, lick soy sauce off the ground, return to your underground residence —you’re an ant now you don’t have to fucking talk to anyone
I'll never salute you, you son of a bitch
People are confused when I walk through the mall with my kids and I’m wearing my ‘virginity rocks’ shirt.
Him: Do you like sports? Me: Um, I guess? You can't really eat soup with them so they're still mostly fork but I like how scoopy they are Him: SporTs, with a t Me: Oh fuck no
I'm pretty sure Red Lobster could have just been called Lobster
Flash tweet call Im nearly at K followers, a huge thank you and much love to my followers and twitter fam send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit
Tweet call game contest: We give you words and you have to include (bonus if you use all ) of those words in the tweet then link it here. They'll be rt and liked. Best tweet will be quoted and pinned to my profile
What kind of sick fuck thinks this is funny??
I downloaded a carbon dating app and was disappointed to learn that the guy I’ve been talking to online is actually a ,000-year old Natufian hunter-gatherer who doesn’t shower
Me: Whoa that’s the craziest beyblade I’ve ever seen Rabbi: That’s a dreidel
When you die on the toilet but you have more lives
The origin of the Atlantis myth lies in one of Plato's dialogues where a student asks Socrates where he got these cool whelk-toed sandals and he says "This place in Atlantis called Crustashoes before it, you know, went under lol here you can just have them I have philosophy."
this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles
We couldn't eat anything since they put bacon on my sammie and they took a bite out of one of rob's chicken nuggets, but the drinks were pretty good. /5 - yelp review my local McDonald's
. Weekend Twitter Tweet Call I’m going to drop a draft that I wrote in my sleep and you reply w a tweet for it. Got it? Go! Sushi and the Banshees
Me: how much is the man cupboard? Priest: this is a funeral
As your doctor I can assure you that this medication will minimize your survivor's guilt over being the only member of the death by meteors cult who was hit by a placeboid and I'll even prescribe it in delicious gummy form so you'll want to take it despite your trust issues
Know what's stored in the balls? More balls. Russian nesting balls.
look, i’m baby, and i can decide for myself if i want to be in the corner or not
Anagrams can be a POTENT FORCE. Sometimes they're NOT PERFECT
If you present a cashier with the rectangular vortex of a cut out coupon, not only will you get a good discount on the negative space formerly occupied by the subject of the coupon, you will also be granted access to the cashier spirit world where buttons flutter like fireflies
Petition to change LMAO to LMNOP. Laughing Mostly controlled No, stop Ope here comes the Pee
HER: Yeah, just like that. Suck it, and don't stop sucking 'til it's done ME: *mouth full* Excuse me, I do know how to eat spaghetti
Developed an immunity to metaphor through overuse so to open myself up to the literal I tried using other things as keys. Entering my house with an orchid. Starting my car with a pinwheel. Everything worked like I was "open all along" because I'm more book than protagonist.
One of life’s simple pleasures is being introduced to someone whose last name is their occupation. Like Baker or Gardener or Ghostwhisperer
I like my women like I like my coffee: all over my lap when I’m trying to get to work
wife: DON’T GO me: *chasing waterfalls*
Look. Translate it however you want. I know a cumbucket when I see one
When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about the Xenomorphs from the movie "Aliens," until I started imagining them eating peanut butter sandwiches and getting super frustrated because it made their little mouth stick to the roof of their big mouth.
Friend: Did you just say "the 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑚 before the storm"? Me: Yeah, you know, like "the oyster before the moisture" Friend: The what? Me: The flounder before the downpour Friend: Please stop Me: A beluga whale in a moderate gale
Magicians get upset over every perceived slight
I'm not saying the church is bad at science (although yes) but they have repeatedly made the argument "A fish is a thing that gets wet" when they want to eat a thing
PRIEST: Hey Holiness, these missionaries want to eat capybara during Lent POPE: Always in the water, that's a dang fish PRIEST: These guys wanna eat puffin POPE: Fish with feathers, boom PRIEST: Bacon? POPE: Plate o' grease. Plato, Greece. Academy, school of fish, OBVIOUSLY
ME: I could riff on Frozone SAMUEL L JACKSON: No ME: Pulp Fiction foot massage? SLJ: No ME: Oh oh, Deep Blue Sea avalanche speech, that's a good one for "cold feet" SLJ: Why did I even make you my best man
So annoying when no one in the office notices your new haircut or the subtle change in light as day shifts from morning to afternoon
Training a new group of interns to write tweets for me in my own distinctive style. "Less funny," I tell one. "Wordier," I correct another.
When a crab screws up do things still go sideways or forward and back
If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it must be one of a million species dying in the ongoing mass extinction.
HITCHCOCK: { (
ME: A lot of couples do role-play to spice things up HER: I am NOT wearing a wig and pretending to be your friend's dead wife ME: But HER: And he CAN'T watch HITCHCOCK: *continues to stand in the corner, facing us in profile, but you can tell he heard and is disappointed*
While it’s an honor to be officially selected as The-Person-The-Waiter-Makes-Eye-Contact-With-To-Ask-If-Everything-Is-Ok-For-The-Whole-Table, I’m afraid the pressure to understand everyone’s needs is too much. I’d like to resign from this position, please.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be Quarterback: i pass Roofer: i raise Telemarketer: i call Optometrist: i see Origami Artist: i fold
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar HAN: why do you need a business loan
not Carlin's : thick skin stuck cuff customer persecutor kitsch
me (being murdered): that's an anagram of "bummer, need dirge"
BOSS: Let's call it a day ME: *hanging banner for Customer Appreciation Period of Accursed Wakefulness and Bastard Sun* Why
you [dumb, cloddish, uncultured]: the earth is flat me [refined and intelligent about everything but this]: LIKE A TORTILLA?
I feel like I could write a love song if I wrote it about how I feel about cheese and then changed everytime I said “cheese” to the appropriate pronoun.
Me: If the plural of mouse is mice and the plural of louse is lice, then how come the plural of spouse isn’t spice? Freaky-ass Mormon: Oh, my man, but it is
Hello friends, happy Eleven Years of Julia Day (observed)! Hope you are all loving your Julias today; I know I am
[ancient egypt] BOSS: Here's the plans for Pharaoh's big stone cube ME (fundamentally lazy): Hey what if instead it got smaller and smaller as it goes up BOSS: Oh. My. God-king
"and all our handbags are % vegan leather-" bitch that's plastic just say plastic. Look me in the eye & tell me you're charging me $300 for a reusable plastic bag [stomping out of the new york public library, horns blatting and cymbals clanging on my one-man-band rig] Woulda let Lin-Manuel I am iron man *sets the steam to high for denim pants* People who say they like all music except country, you better have a band t-shirt for Saint Hildegard von Bingen’s Medieval Compositions from the s. ME: And for you... square with X ALIEN VISITORS: [cheer] you, a dummy: and that’s what math is me, an intellectual: doesn’t really make any sense though ME: [sketching] Triangle. Triangle. Triangle. Triangle PHARAOH: First, love it Crazy that medieval folk thought a giraffe was when a camel fucks a leopard; wonder what modern beliefs some future dude will flippantly describe as thinking two wrong things fuck Alchemists had a way of extracting tree memories from sap and showing them like films but they were so goddamn sad that the technology was destroyed and that's why a sentimental person is called a "too goddamn sad tree memories" science teacher: now does anyone know why the water and oil separated me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me i've never fucked Danny Devito but i'm still pretty damn sure i'd let him tear my ass apart you biphobic idiot this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles [first day as a doctor] me: do you run a shitty instrument store patient: excuse me? me: [puts hand on their shoulder] because your organs are fucking garbage things i will never do if we date: - give you up - let you down - run around and desert you - give you an orgasm - make you cry - say goodbye - tell a lie and hurt you [first day as a doctor] me: [looking at clipboard] so it says here you're a cancer haha no way i'm a sagittarius patient: um, i'm a gemini me: [looks at clipboard again] ...oh boy Ive gotten word that certain people on here are "Doing it for the clicks" . Rest assured that i will never do it for the clicks me: [ties a cherry stem into a heart with my tongue] date: sorry i'm just feeling kinda depressed right now me: [ties cherry stem into a noose] a story in three parts only got to second base cause i had a boner and told my date i was dwayne johnson hard smh boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY [godfather voice] you come to me... on the day of my daughter's gay rat wedding gf: you need to change me: [wearing a shirt that says "i want to suck Danny's Devitoes"] maybe society needs to change guys i forget what makes america the greatest country in the world is it the monthly mass shootings or the concentration camps mulan: when will my reflection show who i am inside? teen vampire: [ugly crying] professor x: what’s your power? me: i’m dummy thicc professor x: that’s stupid please leave me: ok [turns around to start walking, eing my juicy dumper] professor x: wait me: [plays a reverse card] cop arresting me: [cocking pistol] i ain't going back to jail [Dracula giving his son "the talk"] Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they- Dracula's son: they do the mash Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash felt colourful today show me your faces and or confess your love for me Black Mirror: makes an episode about the music industry, and how it eloits its young stars, forcing them to make vapid, meaningless music at their own eense. Everyone: look it's getting late are you gonna kiss me thru the phone or not year old me after taking my gummy bear multivitamin Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk* Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls Me: oh I’m not a cop lol after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her. she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me inventor: you rub it in your hair. it's called shamshit board member: ok the name needs work inventor: shampoo board member: oh my god we're gonna make so much fucking money [who wants to be a millionaire] host: would you like to phone a friend me: [having a panic attack] can't i just text them instead me: you know i hate to be "that guy" them: what guy me: [points at mirror] [wedding] girlfriend of many years: i do me: [suspiciously] why to clarify i am of course referring to hannah montana : meet miley cyrus the first one is bleh don't me every track on sausages the hannah soaked montana album in vodka absolut bangers physical therapist: welcome to physical therapy me: thanks, I’ve never done this so- physical therapist: *punches me in the face* how’s your relationship with your parents? (disclaimer: this is not Danny Devito related) for the love of god please pick up it's the most unique and weird show i've ever seen and the fact that it's been cancelled is a damn tragedy me: can you just give it to me straight doc doctor: [nodding] i can sir me: [crying] do i at least get a guide dog shartboy and lavatory girl [after leg amputation] doctor: you may eerience phantom limb syndrome, it's a very uncomfortable condition where - me: [not listening] dundundundundun ʰᵉ'ˢ ᵃ ᵖʰᵃⁿᵗᵒᵐ me: who wants the ball?! french poodle: moi moi moi moi moi! german sheppard: ich ich ich ich! chihuahua: yo yo yo yo! english bulldog: oh bollocks, just throw the ball ya bloody wanker boston terrier: ya, throw it, you fuck Happy Birthday ! The best and most lovable nerd I know! Ok but did the cops catch him? We’re going to knock the Declaration of Independence off the shelf. If you tried to sex a black hole, your penis would be the longest it’s ever been followed immediately by being the smallest it’s ever been. “Number ” just got called out at this cafe and I was the only the only person who said nice. What is wrong with the world Never try Downward Dog at the dog park. Husband: Give me one example. Me: ALL the times. Husband: Those don't count. me: *sees one ant* fine just don’t be a dick [20 minutes later] ant: i brought ,000 of my friends is that cool? [miniature golf] date: I like a man who doesn't mind a small pen- me: *pulling down pants* date: -cil ME: Hey, nice do— OWNER: He's a rescue ME: A Borzoi, isn't h— OWNER: He's a Russkie ME: Pretty as a pictu— OWNER: He's a fresco ME: Strong enough to pull a ca— OWNER: HE'S A RICKSHAW me: I really should make an appointment to see my optometrist my lazy eye: let’s wait until tomorrow me: do you think chewbacca has pecs or a trail of tiny teats like a piglet uber driver: why did you sit in the front I come from an “all-you-can-eat” family. a mint green Prius is a vow of celibacy Hot dog in one hand, beer in the other, I stand before the door handle marked "pull" until the sun obliterates the world. I'm getting a lot of "Everyone knows The Tragically Hip" comments. I wish it were true. Canadians for sure do, but sadly most Americans don't. If they do, it was because of the farewell tour. RIP Gord Downie my mom: I’m struggling with menopause me: [pulling out my Pokédex] which generation is that one? Music Call I'm searching for good music that has slipped thru the cracks. Add band to this thread that you like, but most people may not have heard of. Please RT this tweet to keep it going, so we can add to our libraries! I'll go first - The Tragically Hip me: my dentist just filled me in on something her: oh, I get it. lol me: he said you two were having an affair her: does it help that I laughed at the filling joke tho? Stupid ass science teacher. I’ve seen this one before. standing around the CVS exit comparing receipt lengths like real men HR: we’ve had some complaints that you’re kind of a close talker ME: really? how so? HR: well for starters you caught larry’s foreskin in YOUR zipper last week midwife: it's triplets! me: oh wow midwife: bit of a shock? me: yeah [looks at wife] who are the other two dads? me: what's in this cocktail? killer: haha! cyanide me: make it a double . Oops! I deviled some eggs! Me: You vile seductress. Your evil ways will not go unpunished, I will defeat you. My Wife: he’s talking to the moon again. WHO GAVE HIM A FUCKING TELESCOPE? Yes, Janice, I'm using pizza rolls as salad croutons. Get off my back. • what's my name again, what's my name again • why won't you tell us the frequency, kenneth • why does it hurt when I pee [Monday] Me: I need to get in shape, eat right, and be a better role model [Slightly Later Monday] Me, In the bathtub surrounded by Doritos: Dads busy, kiddo, go ask your mother. If you practice martial arts with numbchucks it feels like someone else is doing it me: *goin in for a kiss* her: *turning making it just a hug* me: don’t make this weird grandma Person: *talks during a movie* Me: why are you ruining my life • who'll stop the rain • where were you while we were getting high My octopus can beat up your octopus. *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* "Lets do this." Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me. Still my only claim to fame Cucked by the mucinex goblin Update: it went well I did (one) lay up I won’t because I can’t Bout to shoot some hoops, might mess around and do a layup! "Wanna take this outside?" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual. MOB BOSS: You wearin a wire? MARIONETTE. Yes, several. MEtorming the beaches of Normandy) Did anyone bring sun block? teacher: your son was caught smoking pot me: did he say where he got it? teacher: yes, his best friend me: [tearing up] he really said that? [i wake up confused] KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are! ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom KIDNAPPER: shit Just got done power walking at the mall. Beat all those old mother fuckers, again! Still the champ! I’m available to be on your podcast Just needed to vent I'm in a good* mood**. * pronounced like mood ** pronounced like good oh you say you're going to fuck me? you're going to try to fuck me, through the computer? Well i say this, and that is "Game on" you: bastard me: you just did you: I'm not going to do that me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards I’m going to say it. Fireworks are dumb. [carefully puts turds in pocket] Wow my joke really blew up My buddy knocked out my college roommate with a loaf of bread. This is amazing! Here is a short “clean” set I did for a comedy festival showcase. I've been arrested again for shoving a Pringles® Salt & Vinegar can into the pneumatic bank teller tube and then doing a large burnout Selfie Mine is my dad and my grandfather! Who made you want to be funny? Look at this guy smash his own nuts by crossing his legs. Just served Dr. Pepper with a malpractice suit. More like, Donald Trumpkin. Thanks everyone. WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater. ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady. A good friend of my brother was recently diagnosed with cancer and they could really use some support right now. Please take a minute to read and thank you to everyone who has/will donate. Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day* Priest: Me: Priest: Look she might come back Pouring a shot of liquor in my belly button and duct taping over it to bring it to a party Traveling tips me: you know what, make it a double proctologist: what? If Guy Fieri is your personal hero hit that retweet button! FRIEND: Girls like a guy that’s a little mysterious. [later] DATE: Did you just fart? ME: (winks) Maybe.. [bagging groceries for a cute girl] I've quadruple bagged the bananas, don't want these sensitive boys getting bruised hahaha. Have a day as beautiful as yourself ok? [turning to next customer in line who is a guy] Fuck You oof [turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later dad: *taking off belt* I’ll give you something to cry about me: oh yeah dad: *holds up belt* it took baby cows to make this me: *sniffling* moo moos Daughter: was I a mistake? Wife: no honey. Son: was I a mistake mama? Wife: no baby. Daughter: so no one was a mistake? Me: [holds up mushroom] hey look I’m a fungi to be with! Wife: well... me: [sees hugh laurie at the trampoline park] ᵇᵒᵘᶰᶜʸ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉ So I said “What about Signs with Mel Gibson?” She said “I think I remember that film and- The aliens ran through a dewy wet corn field” And I said “Well there’s the hole in that plot” Bwaaa dada da da dooo [desert island] me: look! wife: what? me: a boat! wife: HEEEEEELP! me: *writing* day , she's still afraid of boats A girl was born with a harmonica instead of vocal chords and when she cried it filled the room with a melody so sweet. “Make her cry more!” The villagers would shout. “Throw trash at her and lets jig, baby!” “HWAaangGG” she’d reply. me: [wearing a belly shirt in greece] acroptopolis her: it’s the third date me: you know what that means her: yep me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence It’s not easy making sure my battery reads % at precisely :20 each day but I literally have no other skill [anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches] so i have no proof to back this up but i’m pretty sure cowboy bees would say beehaw me: hey why- librarian: shh me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ librarian: they'll hear us me: who is they the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB- librarian: SHH the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ [first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing* Dad: it’s time we had “the talk” Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka Dad: the what? Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles?? Dad: excuse me Me: slaying the vadragon?? Dad: what?!? Me: disappointing the wife Dad: oh sex, right me: how bad is it dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise [later] wife: what did the doctor say me: linda....i’m dying wife: you’re really not coming to dinner with us me: no wife: you’re just gonna sit there dressed like Rambo me: ʰᵒᵐᵉ ˢᵗᵃᶫᶫᵒᶰᵉ Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait. park ranger: what makes you want to work with us me: it’s a family tradition check out my references park ranger: ok *reading resume* there is no way your uncle is- secretary: [bursts into the room] sorry sir but the Grand Canyon is on the phone for his nephew patent clerk: NEXT me: here you go patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin- me: *steps behind counter* NEXT [taking out the trash] me: hey I live over there neighbor: yes you say that every week me: sorry I’m high as fuck neighbor: you say that too Me: I’d kick ass in a zombie uprising Wife: u run away from flies because “maybe they know a bee” dr: you’re blood pressure is /420 me: haha nice dr: no you’re dying me: *passing out* ...nice... me: *responds maybe to a fb event* wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY wife: DON’T GO me: *chasing waterfalls* clerk: enjoy your new toaster with lifetime warranty me: thanks *jiggles box* hey it’s broken clerk: sorry no refunds me: but you said lifetime warranty clerk: yep *brandishes sword* drug dealer: *rips off mask* you’re under arrest me: were you just impersonating someone cop: I was undercover me: but identity theft is a crime cop: umm *scratching head with gun* yeah but- me: you’re under arrest cop: oh man sarge is gonna have my ass I bet the guy who named all the rappers is just tall her: let's go swimming me: you’re supposed to wait minutes after you’re sad to swim her: umm, that’s eating me: *mouthful of raw cookie dough* whichever jim morrisdad: you make a better door than a window jim morrison: genie: first wish me: I wish horses couldn’t talk genie: umm, ok they can’t me: this is too much power me: [after robbing a bank] catch me if you can cop: *holds out magnet* me: *sliding towards him, fists raised to the sky* belly button piercing!! I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second. the year is . the nickelodeon slime we played with in our youth was toxic. lawyer commercials run nonstop on tv promising us financial cash compensations. but we do not call because we are all dead me: hi honey I got a hand job today wife: excuse me u what me: I’m the new hamburger helper mascot wife: ohhh haha how'd u pull that off me: i let the casting director jerk me off me at : isn’t the world magical me at : shut up birds [Katy Perry’s roar playing over a montage of me unsuccessfully trying to open a bag of chips] husband: *mopping up pools of blood from the kitchen floor* me: *walks in* OH MY GOD husband: babe, I can elain- me: you’re cleaning they left me alone in this exam room for over minutes. this is on you, doc me: *ugly crying* wendy’s cashier: I mean...maybe we can deep fry a frosty cop: you know why i pulled you over? me: you're worried about what birds are up to cop: you were spee— wait what about birds me: like what's their endgame cop: i don't know man me: nobody knows. that's why we need to look out cop: *unholstering gun* shit you're right [in bed] her: what’s your fantasy me: I co-own a car wash with Oprah her: I mean like sexual fantasy me: yeah All of the nonsense... Now, with less scrolling. ME: What if I need another chair? HIM: You want “3 Chairs For Rent” up the road. Ask for Charlie. It’s great that your system has changed and I can now speak my questions and repeat them times OR endlessly push buttons, but does a pharmacy tech now come on the line before or after my aneurysm Me: I need to hire a person to fan me Friend: Why not just buy an electric fan? M: No, That's what the machines want to start their world domination! mr. omel: you’re a good egg, kid omelette: thanks dad Sometimes it’s not all about the jokes, folks. Sometimes it really IS a serious conversation about ham “If you see something, say something” is all kinds of vague considering that our very lives might be at stake. I don’t care if it’s giant bags of money, if you’re passing it out on the sidewalk I’m saying no. Meander is easily one of the worst verbs in the English language. These tourist deaths in the Dominican Republic are the closest thing we’ve had to a real-life Scooby Doo mystery in years. Nas: Don’t say my car’s topless/Say “the titties is out” Literally Everybody In The World: Absolutely not I synced cycles with my washing machine. I only do laundry once a month for straight days. Day is always a super light day, though. was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before ME: I frequently practice sensual, self-taught Tai Chi with a very savvy falafel vendor INTERVIEWER: just examples of your professional work please I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store. Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker? Me: I don’t even like spending more than$10 on a haircut
“Hell is other people.” - Sartre Full quote: “Hell is other people trying to board an airplane.”
Why can’t everyone just be a dog?
Pay for your pictures and videos? Sounds super tempting, but I’m just going to put dollar bills in my paper shredder instead.
ME: What's that on your wrist? CO-WORKER: It's a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I've taken throughout the day. ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm* CW: That's just a regular watch. ME: I know...it tells me how many hours I've got left until bedtime.
Flash tweet call Im nearly at K followers, a huge thank you and much love to my followers and twitter fam send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit
[Nature documentary] Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height. Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?
Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"?
No one: Nipples: IS IT COLD IN HERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS COLD IN HERE IS ANYONE ELSE COLD
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
A woman’s DMs after she posts anything even vaguely sexual
Me: I don’t think I should have to listen to this guy talk with no pants on Boss: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS
Your soulmate is the person who takes care of your mental health, your heart, and your shitty attitude when you’re hungry. Ride or fry, baby.
Raccoons exchange goods and services for raccoins, which are also redeemable at Chuck E. Cheese. I will be taking questions at this time.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than \$20
I’m sorry.
death by song lyrics and silence
[holding the door open for a pretty woman] Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir Me: *blushing* I aim to please Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for years, he aims for the floor M: I despise you
A secret square, a vicious circle and a love triangle walk into a bar. Bartender: ”You guys are in no shape to drive.”
Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.
Stay off Facebook marketplace unless you are ready to find out there’s a guy in your town with a garage full of toothpaste.
Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me.
Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza
Renovations complete. Moving back to If you thought I sucked here... I’m total shit there.
ME: wanna catch a movie tonight? HER: why, is it running? ME: let me rephrase that: wanna marry me?
You can't always get what you want but if you’re making bread you just may find, you get what you knead.
*cocks gun* Me: “Go ahead.” Horse: “Just be cool, man.” Me: “DRINK.” Horse: “No problem. It's just a stupid eression.”
[Hoth Rebel Base] LEIA: How's Skywalker? HAN: He was nearly frozen when I found him. LEIA: And, now? HAN: Lukewarm.
DENTIST: If it hurts too badly, just raise your hand. ME: And, you'll stop? DENTIST: No. I'm just curious how big a pussy you are.
DOCTOR: I checked out your CAT scans. ME: Haha! Are there cats in my brain? DOCTOR: No, tumors. ME: ... DOCTOR: That was pretty funny, though.
SON: Is that a bear outside the tent? ME: No. SON: Okay. ME: Hold still. SON: What're you putting on me? ME: Sunscreen. SON: It smells like ketchup. ME: Shhh
[restaurant] CUSTOMER: You sell liver? WAITER: Yes. *wakes up hours later in bathtub full of ice*
[teaching my son to shave] “The most important thing, son, is not to nick your scrotum.”
Studies show that when you share ur donations other people donate more. I don't have a lot of money but I just gave to RAICES which does direct action and advocacy for migrants at the border and I hope you can support them too!
Hi boys
I just had a successful ipo for my tech company developing sharing economy powered blood and I'm going to celebrate by doing the poop donation medical procedure but with ayahuasca
I'm asking for a friend ofc. I would never do anything..... Communist
So how do u do tourism in Cuba since trump changed the rules again and u can't afford to fly to another country first
OK but why do straight people hate each other
RESPECT to all the females that follow me... Ya’ll know you’re special
(eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb
ALERT: we’re getting credible reports of immigrants being detained in & other DC locations. Call us if you see ICE activity. Undocumented folx, please see attached card for safety guidelines. folx, please RT
It's weird how every person on day fiance is simultaneously the dumbest person to ever live
This Molerat Lost His Dick in A Radiator Elosion So We D Printed Him A New One in A Brooklyn MakerLab
The last time I wore a princess skirt out of the house I felt so cute and pretty until a seagull at the beach stole my hotdog so I was standing on the boardwalk shouting at a bird
This clout shit funny
popping an oxy and logging on to tell '""weird twitter'"" posters that sex words and pixar references arent punchlines
College has changed a lot since the s. Back then the frat guys would sneak into ur bedroom and steal ur panties but now they pay for them on instagram
me: how bad is it dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise [later] wife: what did the doctor say me: linda....i’m dying
interviewer: how does your Master's degree set u apart? me: interviewer: me: more debt maybe
Sorry I couldn't find a more pixelated version of this image
depression no jutsu
No, I'm not depressed. I'm not. Really. I'm not depressed.
smell ya later, barfbags
[beatles voice] a penis is a sperm gun
I'm kidding but my job actually makes me want to die so if that means anything to anybody pls hire me i will try anything
hey it me the saddest boi, everything is garbage but party planning is my life, hire me to plan ur next event, i specialize in staring at the floor and crying if u make eye contact w me
if i wake up every day wanting to throw up, am i • cursed • dying • pregnant • a vomit monster trying to integrate into society fun game! now u try
fuck it's not even payday, i just convinced myself for an hour it was thursday, this might be the greatest insult yet
tfw not even financial gain can make u feel anything lmAooo I just threw up in my mouth and I deserve it
rt if it's payday but ur still dead inside
I've never looked in the mirror and said "Looking good today." But I have said "Whatever", "It is what it is" & "That'll do pig" many times.
I keep a bat under my bed, that way if there’s an intruder, and it’s Dracula, the bat will fly out and say “whoa hold up, Drac, this guy’s cool, he’s my roommate.”
this is the domming of the age of aqueerius
why did i wait years after graduation to ask her to prom
it's not that i want to die it's that the alternative is living in the same world where my crush in high school pantsed me after publicly rejecting my promposal
the cops have stopped trying to arrest me now that they know i only do it so we can hold hands on the ride to the precinct
the name 'Dig Dug' commands respect for two reasons: .) can dig (skill) and .) has dug (eerience)
Y’all don’t know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like years
there's gonna come a day when i finally drop a selfie on the line and that day will become known to future generations as "the day the internet threw up"
these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain *bites into chili dog*
maury: you know what, i changed my mind, you're no longer the father me: sick AY BABY HEAR THAT? YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE
me: alright your honor, i admit it, that kid's prolly mine maury: your h--what?? do you even know where you are???? me: in my defense though i didnt know i was having sex, man just tryna nut
i wanna fight somebody but they cant be good... i'm talking like mid to low challenge rating
idk who needs to hear this but tweets are text based maybe try using ur eyes instead of listening??? ya gosh darn cutie patooties
operator: nine one one what's ur emergency me: *sobbing* I'M TORE UP FROM THE FLOOR UP operator: i wanna tell u it's gonna be okay but damn
brooke swords but she also shields
pokemon brooke and shields
let me be ur couch to cry on
a shoulder seems like a really uncomfortable place to cry when there are like couches and whatnot
laughter's so fucking weird. oh this thing amuses me?? better force out the most impossible noise my body can make -30 times
big day! i freed my kids, basically just dumped them outta the crate onto the side of the highway... it's for the best, they'll be happier among their own kind
can anyone think of a job i could do that wouldn’t make me want to die
penis fly trap, boom got there first
"get off my dick" i say laughingly "i-i'm trying!!" u stammer, the panic rising in ur throat. my plan in full effect and the trap sprung, i pull out my knife and fork...tonight we feast
trying to curve the bullet like in wanted, the bullet instead rebounds off the wall killing me instantly when it hits my bottle of viagra and the pills all fly in the air and they fall directly down my throat and my penis elodes
trying to take a photo of a butterfly so I can caption "what kind of bird is this" i instead smash my face on the pavement in front of a group of beautiful norwegian tourists who proceed to take selfies with my corpse
"...that was a long, long time ago...another life. Please...it's Earthworm James now"
[in a world where the phrase "uh oh, spaghettios" was never invented] ME: aw fuck, alpha-getti
imagine two ppl finding each other in this crazy mixed up world and one makes the other the happiest person ever by giving them their heart's desire. congrats psycho, u just imagined murdering me
why do they call it being "dehydrated" if it gets me more high
lol imagine thinking ur my intellectual spurrier
Arby's is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby's, "where there are not very many birds" that's our new slogan
Garfield and Odie are married and they fuck, jon arbuckle is their kid
Sleeping on the front porch because my wife walked in on me wiping with the toilet brush again
Everyone in my office is losing their shit cause I somehow downloaded a corn dog
Ben Shapiro is a type of pokémon
I have some questions about Machop/Machoke . Where does the underwear come from? Does it just appear or do trainers have to buy some and help the Machoke put them on? . The underwear implies covering up a dick. Why does Machop grow a dick
*flicks cigarette* I got kicked off the force because I handcuffed two gooses together
Me: darling, I’d like to watch tv tonight is the wind blowing? Wife: it doesn’t work like that you dumb bitch
Boss: there are no dumb questions Me: do the carebears shit in toilets or one big pile? Boss: wtf?
Coworker: what’s in the egg? Me, sitting on a large egg: I DONT FUCKING KNOW GARY
my wife *lowers sunglasses* who I am btw
Not to confuse everyone while we’re dealing with this ellohhell thing but karate horse was a girl
me to me: what if the wife doesn’t even exist my kids: it’s o’clock can we have breakfast
wish I could go back to and warn everyone about /11
Whosbeckystan
whales can go sideways and shit
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Girl: do you have protection? Me: I have a bow and arrow
Flamingos are fucking stupid
There has never been a better time to be some kind of weird fucking grifter
*event happens* but how does this affect Me, the Protagonist of Reality
Half of our country has brain worms
brainfart.mp4
[Dentist waiting room] Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth- Other patients: teeth, TEETH Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My new song “Butthole of the Tiger” is gross and not good
[sounds of vibrator in the background] Me: honey? Linda... you still scrapbooking ?
Going forward marriage will be called merging and you will absorb the other person to become one large meaty orb
science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"
Ted Cruz is melting
Currently mad at my wife for not being a lizard
Enough golf. Time to terrify some kids
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Can we stop pretending our fore fathers were geniuses, they didn’t even have ipads
Music Hack: if you play black betty backwards it’s la bamba
MSNBC: Immigrant Children CNN: Immigrant Children FOX NEWS: Lynryd Skynyrd concert? This isn’t even a joke
Tomorrow is National Spit on Corey Lewandowski Day!
Idk, just seems like Obama had fewer concentration camps for children
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with
Let’s face it, we’ve all lied or cheated or held a bank manager hostage. It doesn’t make us ‘bad people.’
[extreme Backstreet Boys voice] Am I delusional ? MY FRIENDS BACKGROUND SINGING: Yeah, Yeah
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams
Okay but drinking soothes my anxiety and I literally need to drive to get around? But yeah officer, let’s arrest me for not being neurotypical
Grateful to be living in the "Tetris when it's going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up" era of human history
By no means is it the only one but the best hardcore band name on my lawnmower control panel is MULCH ZONE
One way to battle a tornado is to shoot it with a hair dryer in the opposite direction
[ asteroid approaching earth ] me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: did I pass? Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*opens a six guys next door to a five guys*
Her: I was able to locate your birth record Me: nice try. I was never in a baby band, Linda
Marine Biologist: and then there’s the pilot whale, which is commonly mistaken for a porpoise Guy who thinks the word porpoise is disgusting: *starts gagging*
my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies
People who review things for a living eventually run out of adjectives and have to start saying shit like "it has no soul" about a bowl of noodles or whatever.
[three weird tweets through which I attempt to bring people joy followed by a rt about genocide]
U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said
If you smash open a carousel horse like a piñata, it is filled with olives and feta and sun-dried tomatoes.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"
The only thing that matters in a movie is whether the cast is listed alphabetically or in order of appearance. It is all a build up to that reveal.
so are you ..you know *mimes cuffing jeans* bisexual?
honk if your species killed the Great Barrier Reef
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Pros of being conscious: -your mind is literally a podcast curated for you based on your eeriences. Cons of being conscious: -most of the content makes you sad
me when Thriller comes on: *stands up and takes off my hat* friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem
JOLENE DOLLY PATTERSON! This was a wholesome eating a clown joke. There’s nothing lewd about a clown going down smooth
wait what’d you say?
[dies, meets god] me: elain Florida
I told some newer friends I have social anxiety. They said, “I don’t think you do.” I want to defend myself, but I’m not good at talking in groups
Girls on here be years old tweeting “hot girl summer” bitch your child is being bullied in their kindergarten class and is begging for your help
One day, my kids will figure out "silly goose" means "fuckin asshole."
instead of a cis heterosexual person using the words "coming out" to describe their latest stupid hobby, what if they climbed very carefully into the sea
to catch a cab, you must think like a cab
me when I was : when I grow up I’ll travel around the world solving ancient mysteries me now: stays in bed trying to decipher why no one likes me
earth: I’m dying humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[a star in the sky sees a human running during the day] *makes a wish*
[first date] ME: in our s, our prefrontal cortex develops, blocking the bigger emotional swings from the amygdala... and potentially the capacity to feel joy. HIM: so... you don’t like your pasta ME: i don’t like anything, greg
oh my god..., who’s gonna tell him
Sometimes when a tweet falls flat I’ll just pop on over to Words With Friends and get my ass kicked there too, thus providing a tidy bookend to my overall online eerience.
her: it’s the third date me: you know what that means her: yep me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence
we went to get pizza tonight and she was telling me how they use fresh mozzarella, and she sounded like an absolute insane person while saying “mozzarella.” You know what I’m talking about.
Other thing she left: - me... to pack up her house... while she goes and gets a massage instead .
Visiting my mom on another rainy day in Massachusetts. Things she left: - the car, in case I wanted to go anywhere - the windows down bc it was supposed to be a nice day - her phone, bc why not Things she took: - the car keys
Wild Saturday night plans? Well, I’m glad you asked. I want to go out and stay up late with my friends, but I also want to sleep for hours. So what I’m going to do instead is stay up late, completely alone, and make sure that none of my competing priorities win. You???
Love it when it’s BC in southern Siberia and the streams are as full as the harvest, but it’s also time to watch out for your eldest brother Nern, who has no discipline with food and ale and will fall drunk in the frost or eat a winter’s stock in a fortnight
Wiring every single lightswitch in the kitchen to turn on the garbage disposal.
I have a long, rich history of putting men I date on pedestals for the smallest of reasons.
when you get promoted at subway
when u a thicc colonist
[visiting my mom] MOM: let me show you all the houses I didn’t buy ME: ok
Today’s comic strip is about the BEAUTY OF NATURE and comes from a tweet by via OfaPZ Queen and MVP . Give ’em both a follow why don’t ya?
sorry i ignored you for weeks i was isolating myself to deal with my anxiety and it will % happen again in the next few days
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Shrimp come in shells so technically it’s already a taco
THE NEW GUY W THE BIG IDEAS: earthworms could be used as straws... like... from mouth to anus, you know? EVERYONE ELSE IN THE STARBUCKS MEETING: (vomiting everywhere)
*burping my baby* gf: pls put me down
You’re all wrong.
…
I did it! Thanks younglings for the tech support
Excellent
I want to share this on Instagram but clearly I’m too old to figure out how! Younglings - help
Awesome!!
Hahaha
Cool! Can someone send my this?
Will absolutely completely refuse to watch anything if I know an animal dies or suffers in it and this includes made up monsters. They got my heart.
This is quite accurate of even just daily hellos with
Genuine friendship is not based on money and power, but on trust, which in turn develops as a result of showing concern for other people’s well-being. In other words, friendship is founded on warm-heartedness.
Hello from …
Where is my th delicious meal of the day …
You make me blush sir!
All smiles …
. Paradise. Thank you my sweet friend Save for your incredible hospitality and the wonderful time!!! perladimareofficial …
This should be widely known.
Love you
I’m overseas so my timing is way off but how did everyone like the episode??
Clearly had no fun at all at with . Thank you everyone for coming out to see us and chat! …
Snerdling: th century dialect for ‘wrapping up comfortably in bed’. In other words: peeking out from the duvet, thinking better of it, and sliding back under.
Cannot believe this is still happening. This is so incredibly sad.
Precisely.
And take it as a compliment.
Jet lag is real. I’ve been told I shouldn’t nap today. I wonder how long this las...
Never. Owning said typo with head high and dignity.
Woah. “Hopefully”. Jeez.
How does everyone just smell so good here? I forgot how people in Paris just know how to smell. Discreetly walking behind people sniffing them is hoefully not illegal here.
this is an appreciation post for THE SOUND THAT makes after petra asks jane if alba makes arepas and jane says yeah
Post-flight nap-hair And ready for Paris …
YESSSS!!!!
Just the best
I love it when the writers WRITE all this and then blame Petra. !
Genius kid. Ugh my heart can’t handle the cuteness. …
The Joker should have been a woman. And she finally went insane because too many random dudes told her to smile, so now she perpetually smiles while terrorizing Gotham.
Oh my heart thank you all love seeing your beautiful faces ! …
Thank you!
a sea turtle lives for + yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
let’s talk about shrek, baby let’s talk about skin that’s green let’s talk about swamps and farquaad and how a dragon fucked a donkey let’s talk about shrek
"....I just think it's funny how..."
whenever i spend hours scrolling for the latest drama i call that teasearch
I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup
my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies
is every stage in cuphead supposed to take one hundred tries or am i just rly rly bad at it
having all my ribs removed so my ex doesn’t get them in the divorce
Penis, penwas, penalways will be
AN ADULT IN THERAPY IN THE YEAR : he said he was going out to record his podcast one day and he just...never came back. sometimes he snapped me and my mom asking to know the tea sis but if dad really wanted tea why didn’t he just come home
We all have that one friend who lives on a cloud and throws spikey turtles down at us
The Spy Kids are given gushers filled with cyanide to take in case their mission gets compromised
When traffic's bad, I like to do the princess wave out the window. People love it! They honk and cheer and wave their longest finger at me
[first day as a dentist] me: ok kevin i’ve got some bad news. it looks like you’ve got what’s known as a... {hot pocket commercial voice} dry socket
u ever sleep with ur back eed to the ac and spend the following day shuffling around like a kitchen witch of old trying to get from the apothecary to the cobbler without the use of her familiars so as not to alert the local law
been there sis lmao
U CLOWNS OUT HERE SMOKIN REGULAR JOINTS IM BOUT TO GET HIGH AS A DOG
the second-most devastating own i’ve ever suffered came at the hands of ryan zalinski on march when a sewage pipe burst under the gym and i said “god what is that” and he hit me with a perfectly-timed “he who smelt it dealt it” in front of the girls soccer team
[last day as a music teacher] Me, about to elain a deceptive cadence: so we're all familiar with edging, right?
also starship troopers, demolition man, and john tucker must die
what’s a movie that’s objectively bad but u genuinely love that u will watch in its entirety every time u stumble upon it mine is the fifth element
every time someone posts a spicy hot ignorant take and gets ratio’d i am imbued with a powerful amber energy that lifts me into the air where i remain for what appears to be only a moment to onlookers but lasts a millennia to me and their cancellation sustains me throughout
The signs of a stroke Aries: slurred speech Taurus: uneven movement Gemini: overactive reflex Cancer: confusion Leo: discordination Virgo: Vertigo Libra: elevated heart rate Scorpio: blurred vision Sagittarius: eye twitch Capricorn: headache Aquarius: numbness Pisces: paralysis
stockholm syndrome was invented in during the nine years’ war when johannes stockholm lightly kissed a p.o.w. on the forehead
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says "By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog." You look down. It's true.
you think panera bread employees have a sense of humor? like yelling out "who nutted in the tomato bisque" when nobody actually nutted in the tomato bisque
white people be like “oh climate change is gonna cause the earth’s temperature to rise by °? well I’ve completed the blazin wings challenge at bdubs so I think I’ll be ok”
ayy grl summer’s here and u know what that means grl i’m in the pool playing volleyball w/ my shirt on, sippin’ corona grl we outta limes but it’s cool grl my team’s up -4 grl come thru whenever
a fun thing to do is eat a weed chocolate then race against the clock to get through your to-do list before you become a useless sack of shit like cinderella trying to get home before her carriage goes pumpkin
leave it to the queen to hook me up with all these beautiful queen-filled blessings
oh no
am i funnier than i am hot or am i hotter than i am funny man this is a real chicken or the egg scenario wow
TO MY MANY ENEMIES: plz stop emailing my mom to ask her about my weaknesses. i have none and whatever she tells u is a lie
christina hendricks pick me up by my ankles and bash me repeatedly into a centuries-old oak tree
boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY
You ever see a straw with like maybe mild bends in it trying to act like it’s a crazy straw? You’re a slightly unusual straw at best
Him: [has a bed frame and a job] Me:
everything important comes in fours: •horsemen of the apocalypse •directions •ninja turtles •the seasons •the oceans movies •suits in a deck of cards •the elements •neck/back/pussy/crack
her: what’re u thinkin’ about? me: the time encyclopedia brown knew a civil war sword was a fake because it was engraved “the first battle of bull run” and they wouldn’t have known there’d be a second battle of bull run her: u can just say “nothing” sometimes
Apparently it's not okay to give nicknames to people at work. At least that's what the head of HR Donkeyface Sharon just told me.
Happy birthdays to MY birthday buddy Double Party!
There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them
If you aren't following then we can't be friends. Not only is inky hilarious, but he is also one of the most positive forces on twitter and a purveyor of the finest tweets known to humanity. Follow him... NOW
Her: so you’re rich?! Me: yeah ᶦⁿ ˢᵖᶦʳᶦᵗ Her: what? Me: I’m loaded ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉᵇᵗ Her: huh? Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud
You can check in anytime you want But you can’t change the thermostat - Hotel Dadifornia
Before marriage: Let’s go wild and drink tequila out of each other‘s bellybutton! Married, before kids: Let’s go wild and sneak into a second movie at the theater! Married with kids: Let’s go wild and load the dishwasher from back to front!
Doctor: [hiding behind couch] how was work today honey? Teacher: a student gave me an apple Doctor: [muttering] of course they did
[first time betting in Vegas] Sportsbook Attendant: so thats Grand on the Dolphins at home over the Lions? Me: [visibly excited] lions can’t swim in the ocean
- the bowl and the soup - bowl soup - soup bowl: tokyo drift - bowling : soup
*shipwrecked diary* Day : alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day : I have married the crab. Day : I have eaten my wife.
Bored with the classic “see you later, alligator / after while, crocodile” salutations? Here’s some fun alternatives: - Toodles, my poodles - Hasta mañana, my iguana - Au revoir, macaw - Auf Wiedersehen, Saddam Hussein - Fare thee well, my bitch from hell
TWEET CALL It's Friday and I just hit k! I like puns - the groanier the better. Drop your favorite pun tweet or one from a friend - likes and RTs all around (for mostly-clean please). Have a puntastic weekend!!
How did the lobster get to the ocean? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . By shellicopter!
Jeff: You remember all those Jeff/Geoff jokes? I hated those Geoff: Yeah I reomeombeor
Wife: I think you should stop reading comic books to our daughter. Me: why? Wife: she just asked the dog his origin story. Me: Wife: Me: what did he say?
A guy called me old fashioned, to which I replied “you sir are a blunderbuss chatterbox; a chicken hearted, mop stick. A duke of limbs. A foppish fussbudgety gadabout. A ginger-snap grumbletonian. A nincompoopy scallywag stingbum.” And he will have to live with that abashment.
patent clerk: NEXT me: here you go patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin- me: *steps behind counter* NEXT
Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:
[clickbait quiz] "which bush brother are you?" me, fully aware that i'm jeb: i hope i'm not jeb
this jackbox tko shirt is my most beautiful creation
learning to dab with my non dominant hand
the selection of dipping sauces at this wake is exceptional
if your baby is lb oz then it’s lb20oz + oz
[working the drive thru, kissing each pack of arby’s sauce as i put it in the bag]
hiring detective pikachu to figure out who my wife is sleeping with
a nurse at my doctor’s office asked me if i’ve done any recreational drugs in the past week and i said “weed” and then she literally asked me to let her know if i have any hookups, shoutout to kaitlyn love u boo
here’s a fun anecdote: in high school someone bullied me relentlessly through text and it took two years for Snapchat’s number recognition to let me know that it was in fact a kid i used to babysit
my husband would rather me rub his back than suck his dick. I’m literally begging to suck his dick instead of rubbing his back, but he says “no no no” is he broken
I will take a moment away from making jokes. Canada has admitted to having a current genocide against Indigenous women, girls and spirited people. It is our national shame and we must act. Please read this article written by my dear friend. There is a genocide in Canada.
I'd like to report a crime
[shaking my booty like a damn fool] this one goes out to the lord
my least favorite person on this earth is the dumbass woman who told me kids can’t be rude if they’re raised right, like, have you ever met a child in your fucking life
I just liked a sponsored tweet by Michelob Ultra and that’s how I know how depressed I am
the only thing worse than death is feath. u got a failing grade in “eath” u fucking idiot
me: gimme it to me straight doc, what’s the news? doctor: i’m sorry, but you’ve... been cancelled
one of the shittiest questions I’ve ever asked myself is “am i smart enough for this” and what’s worse is i don’t fucken know
zach asked my brother if he knew who christopher walken is and baby boy responded with “yeah, of course-“ enter christopher walken voice- “my wiiife”
dudes talk about tig ol bitties but never that veautiful ol bagina
hey friends I probably don’t, but i’m afraid i might have skin cancer and i would love to see your favorite memes right about whenever
I am so stupid and so tired please stop eecting things from me
i’m so fucking pleased with this tweet y’all
feeling depressed?
Join us for the beginning of a mostly new slate of Serial Cereal improvised serials! "Mayonnaise County," "Office in Hell" and "Uphill Battle Brigade" will go places we've never seen! Featuring , , , Tim & Scott! :30pm!
Danny Devito would never try to control a woman's body
hey guys bold stance but support women, support their health, support their choices
if I see literally any person talk about “sterile/infertile women in America must be feelin a lot better now” I will personally chop them to pieces. stay aware *and* stay respectful. hurt comes in thousands of forms. don’t make it worse
The year is XX. Organic organisms have all but been erased from the face of Faerun. Three clueless goobers are everyone’s last hope. It’s really very bad. This week’s episode of is LIVE from San Jose! …
hey and would someone please put the pokerap on iTunes so I can buy it for literally any amount of money please
his little mouth rt if u agree
turns out the real treasure was the mothers we made along the way
who wrote a book about me
there's some drag discourse on the timeline today. drag is an important art form and has a very important place in the history of queer liberation! here are ten reasons drag makes me uncomfortable anyway.
hey y’all. I know I usually post jokes, but I’ve been unemployed for about a month due to difficult circumstances and I just wanted to say thank you to my love for being there for me and supporting our family financially and emotionally for too long already. kisses.
whatever happened to good old fashioned medicine? cocaine,
or maybe you’re just a shitty person who can’t handle men showing passion or emotion about the things they love …
me, in a profitable band: HELLO STINKTOWN WE LOVE YOU my band mates, also in the profitable band but not speaking into a mic: HELLO STINKTOWN YOU ARE A STINK TOWN
Number of records not cleaned 6168

In [33]:
#Assumption: Tweets getting more than 50 RTs should be funny jokes
final_frame=frame[frame.tweet_retweet_count>50]

#Save the final dataframe with the funny tweets
final_frame.to_csv('Tweets_combined',index=None)

In [ ]: